The Sequel
by Cyh Scaevola
Summary: Sequel to The Irony Gods:: When Togenkyo's dimensional fabric begins to tear, Kannon calls on the only people who can fix it. But are the Irony Gods really all that useful? Individual sections rated M for reasons...Latest: Southern Belles and Ramen Rage. (And you thought I was dead. :P )
1. Anomaly: The Abbreviated Reprieve

**The Sequel: Prologue

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**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_**DISCLAIMER:** Saiyuki still does not belong to me. Apparently, stalking is frowned upon in Japanese culture…I know now that copyrights will never fall into my possession. HOWEVER, Kon, Yumoa, Lyds, Borg Bunny Bob, Higeki, and any future OCs I may create on a whim are the sole property of myself. Chitsujo is dead to me—she called me fat. Chloe and Raquel are clone-like manifestations of two girls who irritated me in high school. After this, may they never be seen again._

_For lucidity's sake this fic's first chappie **starts** just before the party meets Hazel & Gat, and **ends** right after they part ways, which occurs at the end of Reload Vol. 5. It'll make more sense in a bit, but just think of it as an interlude between Vol. 5 & Vol. 6.

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**_(Mission Statement)_**

"_Rosencrantz: 'Well, really—I mean, people want to be **entertained**—they don't come expecting sordid and gratuitous filth.'_

_Player: 'You're wrong—they do! Murder, seduction, and incest—what do you want—jokes?'_

_Rosencrantz: 'I want a good story, with a beginning, middle, and end.'_

_Player (to Guildenstern): 'And you?'_

_Guildenstern: 'I'd prefer art to mirror life, if it's all the same to you.'"_

—_Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, by Tom Stoppard

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_

**_WARNING: This was going to be rated MATURE, but then I made some irritating discoveries and realized that maybe it's okay as TEEN. (Besides, all that crap doesn't happen yet...) However, be prepared for more violence, more mature-ish-rated dialogue (i.e. swearing, questionable subject-matter, et cetera…), NO political-correctness (that crap is so gay)—and, most notably, impending citrus fruits; and I'll tell you when crap's about to get M-rated. If you have a problem with unscrupulousness, I'd rather have you quit now instead of getting pissed at me later for scarring you or getting you in trouble 'cause your parents walked in on the juicy bits…but those come later. For now, enjoy, and PLEASE pay attention when I put up a little warning. I take no responsibility if you make a bad choice based on my writing. _**

**_When in doubt, however, blame The Media. _**

* * *

**_Anomaly: The Abbreviated Reprieve_**

Quite possibly the lowest moment in a person's life occurs during a police interrogation for some form of bestiality involving said person and the neighbor's dog—frightfully embarrassing, I would imagine. Second-lowest is during an interrogation headed by one's significant other the morning after a wild night on the town and fifteen hookers (or man-whores, depending on one's personal preferences).

I was experiencing the third-lowest—I had no intention of aiming any higher.

My boss was shouting some gibberish about law-suits and incarceration for aggravated assault. I tuned him out whenever he started yelling like this, focusing instead on the many brutal and inhuman ways in which I could dismember a certain _plague_ upon my life.

Yes, I was a tad embarrassed about acting like a psychotic killer in public, and yes, I was fully aware of the judicial system's various punishments for attacking a customer. This was the fifth time in three months—of course I knew! _El Jefe_ (1) need not reiterate—Judge Simmons had done a fine job of explaining everything.

It was all _his_ fault, anyway. I was _provoked_…

* * *

_**(One Hour Prior)**_

"_Gawd, I'm so hungry I could eat, like, a horse or something," Raquel complained to her best friend Chloe. "I wonder what's taking the line so long."_

"_I know. We've been waiting for twenty minutes!" Chloe agreed, flipping her clean, perfumed blonde hair behind her shoulder._

_Suddenly, angry shouting sounded at the head of the line, and the crowd rabbled and scattered, parting down the middle to display the most astonishing spectacle of wanton violence most of the yuppies had ever seen._

_It appeared that a young woman of minuscule stature had leapt over the cashier's counter and speared a tall, strikingly gorgeous raven-haired young man to the floor, before proceeding to stab him repeatedly with an eating utensil._

_Chloe grabbed Raquel's arm and whispered frantically, "Hey, isn't that Lydia?! From biology last year?"_

"_The one who came back from the dead, threatened the vice principal when he asked her why she missed six months of school, and, like, scared him so bad that he graduated her a year early?"_

_Chloe nodded, and pushed her sunglasses into her shoulder-length, wavy brown hair like a headband. "Yeah, the one with all the scars. I heard she used to be in that gang that got wiped out in some big gang war a few years ago."_

_Raquel stared as security intervened, plowing into the middle of the fight circle and apprehending the assailant. "Whoa, that's so, like, savage."_

_A portly, balding man in a strained, baby blue short-sleeved dress shirt and a red pin-striped tie came waddling out of the employees only door and started shouting as well, helping the overtaxed guards drag the wild girl back through the door while some good Samaritans (mostly women) went to aid the victim. The young man got to his feet, dusted himself off and ruffled the dirt out of his longish hair, and waved their anxious—as well as groping—hands away. He was sort of grimacing, as though he were in on some big joke that had finally begun to irritate him with repetition._

"_No, really ladies, I'm fine. She just startled me is all," was his excuse, before begging pardon and leaving the restaurant, much to the lament of the off-put women._

"_Holy shit, he was so hot! All that black leather makes him look like some kind of rock star! And such dark green eyes! That's, like, almost not human!" squealed Raquel, clinging to her friend and giggling like a hormonal schoolgirl—which, incidentally, she was. _

"_Wonder what he did to piss Lydia off so bad. Did you hear the rumor that she moved out of her adopted parents' house?" Chloe murmured thoughtfully._

"_Huh? Really?" Juicy gossip was not to be ignored._

"_Yeah, and know what else? She moved in with two guys, as in plural!" Scandalous, this was._

"_O-M-G! That's so…trampy! You think she's sleeping with them?" (2) _

_Chloe was about to add more to the tale, but the guards had showed up again. Through the open door, the customers could hear a shrill, enraged voice demanding to know where "that ass-hat rat bastard" had gone off to._

"_Okay, people, that's enough," a tall, lanky young guard with wide, disturbed eyes was saying. "Show's over. The manager offers his apologies, but they're closing early today due to employee shortage."_

_The customers, understandably, were not happy. "What?!" "This is an outrage!" "Let me speak to the manager!" "I'm pressing charges!" Their cries of indignation and hunger rang out, and were succinctly ignored. Sometimes, it was okay to ignore the obscenely rich._

"_Aww, damn," groaned Raquel, pouting and stomping one pink pump on the vomit-green linoleum. "C'mon, Chloe, let's go find another restaurant. There's, like, ten in this mall."_

"_Alright."_

* * *

**(Present)**

Old Al, the boss-man of the restaurant where I worked, walked back in with a report for me to look over after discussing the situation with mall security.

"Well, he isn't pressing charges…" he began at length, frowning in disapproval at the report.

I snorted, "Damn straight, he's not. He probably ran the moment he was free. Jackass. I'll dismember him when I get home."

He arched his brows. "Come again? You _know _him?"

_Watch what you say!_ the voice in my head shouted temperamentally. Clearly, my brain did not approve of what I was doing, but I never was one to listen to REASON.

"No. I'm going to _hunt_ him. Figure a pretty-boy like him can't be hard to miss."

My boss gave me a worried look—as though he had come to the (accurate) conclusion that hunting someone down just to kick their ass would be child's play by my seasoned standards. "Lydia…I know you're a wonderful employee, and you do all the work that everyone hates…"

I snorted, "Clean one walk-in freezer and you gain the admiration of the establishment—your standards are mundane at best, _Jefe_."

"Stop calling me _Jefe!_" He slapped the report onto the desk and folded his arms across his man-boobs. I had the vague suspicion that I was supposed to feel intimidated, but after battling the "Army of Darkness" incarnate and getting kidnapped by mutant cyborg youkai, I was not moved in the least. "I am your employer! You do as I tell you, understood?"

"Just because you're taller than I does not denote higher status in the food chain on your part." Two inches—bah! I'd grown two inches myself in the last two years. Five-six agreed with my ego.

"Lydia! That was ridiculous! You tried to disembowel that poor man with a fork!"

"_Spork_," I corrected evenly. "And I was in fact attempting castration, but pretty-boy's tougher than he looks."

"You're out of your mind! To hell with that! You…you're fired."

I glared up at him, and he apparently saw something not to be trifled with. "Beg pardon? I didn't quite catch that last little mumble."

He cringed, but did the brave thing and repeated himself. "I cannot justify your continued employ. I'm afraid I have to ask you to take your things and go."

I straightened my shoulders and stood abruptly. "Very well, but I suggest you sleep with the lights on from now on, **_Jefe_**."

I smirked at his terror as I left.

* * *

_**(Togenkyo—Guess Who?)**_

"_Is it just me, or is it more borin' than usual?" Son Goku inquired of his fellow travelers, hunched in his seat behind Hakkai with his chin resting on his fist, pouting slightly at the afternoon sun dead ahead. He was thinking of boredom, yes, but half of his brain was concerned with food at all times, as though his hunger functions gave him reason to live. Granted, he had Sanzo, but since Sanzo fed him all the food he wanted, it was also possible that his peculiar fondness for the sour priest was born from the eternal bottomless hunger. There was no definitive answer to that particular question._

_His answer was a painful punch to the top of his head, carried out by one Sha Gojyo, half-breed ladies' man extraordinaire. "Stupid monkey, you're gonna get us jinxed! It's not boring—it's quiet." He had his crimson hair up in a ponytail, and his coat loose and warm about him, the ultimate desire of millions of female lusts everywhere…and some male, but he forbade discussion of that particular fact. Half of his brain was wondering when they would find a town—a town harboring beautiful women and fine liquor and more cigarettes. The other half was contemplating the best way to annoy the monkey._

"_If you bring bad luck down on us, I'm going to shoot you in the head," growled the one and only Genjyo Sanzo. Of course, just the mere thought of two Sanzos in one world was enough to make brave men cry. Sanzo was the outcome when Buddhists went wrong. He was short-tempered, arrogant, and downright mean for someone so gorgeous. Looks-wise, he surpassed even Gojyo; personality-wise, he was the kappa's complete opposite. He had no qualms about shooting women who got on the wrong nerves, and thoroughly disguised any and all compassion he may have possessed behind his banishing gun. "After all that bullshit, the last thing we need is more bullshit."_

_The formerly-human youkai-murderer Cho Hakkai laughed his enigmatic it-could-mean-anything-at-all laugh, habitually hiding his tumultuous past behind a serene expression possessed of all the traits one finds in the expressions of "nice guys" who actually have a deep-seeded cruelty. He was the quiet person of the group, the one whose anger was least desirable in a fight. When Hakkai was angry, brave men wet their pants and ran screaming for their mommies. "Well, Sanzo, I agree that it's much more peaceful now, but it **is** rather uneventful. Even Kougaiji's people seem to be ignoring us."_

_Gojyo chuckled, "Probably too scared to try anything. We kicked some serious ass back there."_

_Goku dropped his hands to his sides and sank back into the seat with a heavy sigh. "Yeah…but why'd they hafta go so soon? After all that, it's annoyin' that there's nobody t' talk to."_

"_Oy. Then who are we?" Gojyo muttered past a Hi-Lite, mildly insulted at being called "nobody"._

_Sanzo took another drag of his cigarette. "Don't provoke him. Maybe he'll shut up for once." The last thing the monk wanted was a discussion over one of the most idiotic events in his entire life, filled with people—and gods—whom he would much rather pretend had never existed._

"_Sanzo, tha's just mean!" cried the monkey._

_Hakkai interrupted before tempers escalated any higher, "Goku, please. You know that it's better this way. Our two worlds are better off not getting mixed up, and it seems the gods of Lydia's realm are far more imposing than our own here. We wouldn't want another Chitsujo incident to happen now, would we?"_

_He pouted. "Yeah…I guess not…"_

"_But still…" Gojyo muttered, throwing his head back and dragging on his cigarette. He undid the ponytail and crimson hair fluttered behind him in waves._

"_Crapcakes! I'm boooored!" Goku cried suddenly._

_And thus fate had the kindness to grant them a release from boredom, in the form of Lord Bishop Hazel and Gat…but they don't actually show up here. (A/N: See Reload Vols. 4-5)_

* * *

**(Shack, Sweet Shack)**

"I'm going to kill you!" I shouted upon entering my excruciatingly humble abode.

After all the crap that had happened, Chaos (now "Andy" while he lived with me) and Comedy (_his_ alias was "Yossarian" for some ridiculous reason) ended up getting stuck on earth as mere immortals—gods, yes, but demoted gods with no benefits but the fringe—whereas Tragedy had been given a management position in Tartarus. Andy's pet talking foul-mouthed raven Rhadymanthus was currently out for a flight, and was the only one who didn't drive me up the wall.

"Yossarian" loved Earth. "Andy" harbored passionate feelings of ill will toward his superiors for reassigning him as an Earth-bound god of Chaos, as well as an Agent of Death. I was just pissed that their incessant presence had made it necessary to move out of my adopted home and rent an apartment on the wrong side of town.

And now this? This was the fifth lost job in three months thanks to that bastard's meddling!

"Welcome home!" cheered Comedy, emerging from the kitchen wearing his baby blue duckie pajamas and a pink frilly apron. "I made biscuits! Want some?"

I frowned up into his jovial tanned face and flickering ember eyes, noted his disheveled snowy white hair, and folded my arms across my chest. "Why are you in your PJ's? Don't tell me you just woke up."

He pouted like a five-year-old, though his physical development was more in the early twenties range. "I took a nap. I went to visit sis, then went to the supermarket and bought a cake for your birthday, and played all the Resident Evil games in one go…I had a nightmare, so I woke up." He brightened then. "Want some cake? You've been eighteen for a week! Sorry I forgot…"

I sure as hell hadn't forgotten, and had, on the day I turned that wretched age, gone out and done the smartest thing a young girl living with two guys on the wrong side of town could do.

I clean and oil it every day. Heh-heh-heh…

I shook my head. "After dinner, wacko. Right now I have to go kill Andy."

"'Kay, but be finished killing him by six, 'cause I put steaks on the grill, and you should drink some juice in the meantime, 'cause you get really weird when your sugar's low."

"Sure thing, funny-boy." I swear. He was like my wife-slash-son…which was a sad, sad, SAD thing to realize…perhaps it had been a mistake to forsake all possibility for romance in my life.

Then again, I was still convinced that LOVE was merely some other sort of mental illness that I really didn't need to be diagnosed with along with the mild paranoid schizophrenia.

Nope, screw that. I had enough drama as it was, living with gods and all—while still being an atheist.(3)

Irony ruled my existence in so many ways.

Setting the "Yossarian" issue on the backburner (I still couldn't figure out why he wanted to be called that), I stomped across creaky sixth-floor floorboards to my room, which, unfortunately, was only one of two, and Chaos had the embarrassing—read: infuriating—habit of invading my bed. Lately it had gotten to the point where not one night would go by where he wouldn't suddenly appear out of the shadows and under **_my_** covers, dozing peacefully in black silk pajamas. The fact that the ass-hat could afford silk irritated me to no end. Damn that rich bastard god.

When I reached the room I slammed the door open so hard that chipped plaster flaked off the wall behind it.

He was sitting on my bed with his back to the headboard, reading a manga with a curious frown—touching my personal effects?! But…_manga?_ That was just too weird for words.

While I smoldered in the doorway, he looked up with half-vacant expression. "Oh, hello. When did you get home?" His eyes didn't glow while he was pretending humanity, but they had never needed that little trick to be so damn pretty. I silently wished I had a spoon in hand.

Instead, I exploded, "I **_told_** you **_repeatedly_** that I **_don't_** want you coming **_anywhere_** near my place of work **_ever again_**. What part of that is not in plain, understandable English? You got me fired! **_AGAIN!_**"

He frowned slightly and turned back to the book, flipping a page. "You got _yourself_ fired. It's not my fault that you're skipping your psychiatric appointments and going crazy in public without your medication."

"Dr. Renfield is crazier than I am! Eleven years was enough!" I shrieked, grabbing the wind-up alarm clock off the bookshelf and chucking it at his head. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

He moved back a millimeter and it missed him, only to clang against the opposite wall and land in one indestructible piece. _Flip._ "No…you're yelling at me and I'm disinclined to listen."

"Look, jackass, rent is due in three days and I only have half of what I need. I already gave up my family because of you! I don't want to lose my home!"

_Flip._ "I already took care of rent."

"And another thing—what?" I froze, my index finger half-poised for another declaration.

_Flip._ "I **_said_**, 'I already took care of rent,'" he repeated, finally looking up with one raised brow. The look he wore was sharp, but worried. "I'll take care of that from now on. Electricity and water, too."

"But—," I attempted, only to be cut off by the doorbell. "Eh? Stay here. We need to have a discussion."

_Flip._ "I wait with bated breath," he murmured almost sadly.

That creepy, creepy man. What had _his_ knickers in a twist?

"You're wearing out my doorbell," I growled at the visitor before opening the door. "Eh?"

No one was there.

"Damn kids," I sighed, mourning my own lost youth. I started to close the door, but hesitated when I heard someone clearing their throat. I looked down to find a tiny child in dark clothing, with a rather large, deformed head and one huge, bruised eye beside a smaller, more normal one. He had horns growing out of his head.

"Hello, you must be Lydia," he said in a whispery tone, the one huge eye rolling up to stare at me while the other followed like a minion. "I am here to speak with the former Chaos god."

I blinked, then turned and shouted, "Ass-hat! The Antichrist wants to talk to you!"

* * *

_**(Togenkyo—Houtou Castle)**_

"_Ah, so this is your pet project," murmured Professor Ni Jianyi with the usual dangerous smirk, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and holding his precious bunny tight under one arm._

_Doctor Hwan flinched at the sound of his voice and spun her chair around before the computer station. She'd forgotten to lock the door again. The gig was up, but she had to play it off nonchalantly. "What are you doing here?"_

"_Just wondering where my favorite assistant ran off to." The glare of the monitor behind her flashed off his lenses, leaving the impression that they were just floating in empty space above a human body. But when he turned his head he reappeared, staring at a stack of documents on her table. "Hmm… 'Divine Dynamics'? 'Gods Theory'? My, my, you have been** busy**, haven't you, Doctor Hwan?"_

"_I've surpassed your research Ni," she replied flatly, unable to keep at least a little of the pride from her tone._

_He smirked, holding the bunny under one arm while the other hand brought a smoldering cigarette to his lips. "Is that so? And how have you surpassed me, may I ask?"_

_It was her turn to wear the smug smile. "That bunny doll you gave him—I cleaned it out and made a few changes while you were off working on the generator. Is Lady Koushu still angry with you for failing?"_

_She had meant that last as a sharp remark, but he merely chuckled and scratched an itch—or, rather, itched a scratch—between his shoulder blades. "Ahh…she's forgiven me."_

_Hwan cringed and turned angrily back to her monitor. "Get out of my lab!"_

_He chuckled again and hugged the bunny to his chest. "As you wish, Doctor. I have business to attend to anyway." And with an inscrutable_ _smile he strolled out, leaving the Doctor frazzled and stressed as usual._

_She gripped the edge of the desk and set her shoulders straight, determined to make it work. "This is my chance," she whispered to herself. "I can't allow myself to fail…"_

* * *

**(Pepito)**

"What nonsense are you spouting now?" sighed my roommate, emerging from my quarters with a lackadaisical swagger and his raven hair all tousled. Sometimes, I just wanted to attack him. Times like these. _Nobody_ was allowed to be that damn cool in my presence.

I twitched and stepped aside with a sweeping gesture. "The Antichrist, as I said, wishes to speak with you."

He frowned at me in confusion, then looked through the doorway at the tiny demon-child-thing, and suddenly halted in mid-step. "Pepito?"

The creature smiled…if you can call it that. Actually, it kind of creeped me out. "Ah, Mors, there you are. I have something to discuss with you."

I blinked, then cast a narrow glance askance at the only other person present. "'Mors'?" I inquired suspiciously. _Mors_ was the female-gender Latin word for "death". So they were giving him girls names…huh. Cool.

"Lydia, go back to the room," he ordered suddenly.

"Excuse me?" Surely it wasn't _that _embarrassing!

He gave me a look. "Just go, please? This is…not good news."

"I think I can handle your retarded little issues," I snapped crossly.

But before I knew what was going on, he suddenly grabbed my arm, dragged me to my room, pushed me in, and shut the door. I stared at the cracked wood for a split-moment, and then I snapped.

"Chaos, you asshole!" I cried, gripping the knob, turning, and yanking.

The door didn't budge. I checked the lock, but it wasn't locked. It was just…not opening.

"Chaos? Andy! What did you do to the door?! Damn you! Bastard! I'll freaking kill you if you screwed up my door!" I pounded and kicked and rammed the door with my shoulder, but still it wouldn't budge.

Well…time to be proactive. I went over the bed, pulled a long black leather case out from underneath, and took out a friend I hadn't seen in nearly two years.

"Hello, Ryushi," I murmured, trailing my fingertip down the razor edge of the blade and testing its sharpness. It was shaped like the straight tip of a fishhook, barbed and meant to cause serious damage to flesh and bone alike.

I was going to kill that ass-hat on sight…

…and four hours later, I was asleep on the floor, hugging my sword.

* * *

_**(Bad News)**_

_When Chaos finally opened the door to his and Lydia's room (he thought of it that way due to the fact that he slept there more often than not, and had no room of his own), his first crazy thought was that Lydia had escaped out the window. When he saw Ryushi's empty case on the floor, his second crazy thought was that he insane girl had escaped into the populace **armed**._

_But before the panic set in, soft breathing sounds drew his attention to the carpet beside the door, where he found her passed out on her side from exhaustion, clutching the weapon like a stuffed doll. She had been working almost constantly lately to pay the bills in their rundown little apartment._

_He sighed with relief and quickly set to work, carefully prying the blade from her death grip and setting it back in the case, then gently gathering her into his arms and carrying her over to the bed. _

_After arranging her into a comfortable position, he sat beside her and whispered softly, "I hate to do this to you, but it seems we have a huge problem."_

_She stirred slightly, then sighed, "What…"_

"_According to Pepito, we left Togenkyo in a fractured state, and all kinds of strange things have been going on ever since, like dimensional rifts, time warps, supernatural occurrences, bizarre climate shifts." He turned to her sleeping visage and felt a pang of guilt at the worried frown creasing her brow. "I'm sorry, but I have to go back and fix it. If worse comes to worse, it may be that a minor god has gotten in between the cracks and is now starting all kinds of mischief, and those Nordic gods are a pain in the ass in their own world to begin with…"_

"_You're going…alone?"_

_He frowned uncertainly. "Well, yes…why?"_

"_Take me…too…"_

"_I'm leaving immediately," he said slowly. "Tonight."_

"_It shouldn't…be that hard…to take me…with you…"_

_He paused, thought it over, then admitted a soft chuckle. "I honestly would love to bring you with me, and I know it wouldn't be difficult, but what is your conscious half going to do to me when you wake up in that place again?"_

_It was her turn to consider, and after a moment or two an unsettled expression flickered across her face. "Probably…try to…kill you……again."_

"_See? Asleep, you're an angel, but you're a demon in the waking world. I try so hard to win your trust, yet I still have nothing to show for it."_

"_Keep trying…" She rolled over then, huddled against his leg, and fell deeper into her slumber, leaving him to decide on his own._

_Someone tapped lightly on the open door, and he looked up to see Comedy all packed and ready to go, carrying two backpacks and a duffle bag, and wearing what looked an awful lot like an arctic survival suit. Around his neck, in a poorly-stitched red velvet pouch, hung a stuffed bunny, half borg and half plushie—its name was Bob._

"_Why are you dressed like that?" Chaos asked at length._

"_It's cold there, and I brought a bunch of Lyds' things—she'll probably die without her DVDs. Say, which car are we takin'?"_

_Chaos couldn't help but feel slightly left behind. "How do you know it's cold…?" He then came to a realization and shook his head. "Wait, hold on just a minute—who said you were coming?"_

_Comedy propped his fists on his hips in indignation. "I did, and Bob said I could come, too."_

_The disgruntled god massaged his temples slowly before replying, "I give up. Get everything into the Land Rover. And put that microwave back in the kitchen, you dolt!"_

"_But I'm gonna make popcorn! I brought the car plug, too!"_

"_Put. It. Back."_

"_Dag nabbit…fine…"_

_Comedy creaked across the floor to the kitchen, replaced the appliance, then banged out the front door while lugging both his and Lydia's survival kits. Chaos heaved a preparatory sigh and picked the girl up once more, carrying her out to the waiting vehicle where she was bound to wake up in a few hours and make yet another attempt on his pitiful life. Some days he regretted ever picking her out of that catalog…_

…_before immediately succumbing to crushing guilt for ever thinking such blasphemous thoughts._

* * *

_**(Kagekoku Village)**_

_The tired, sinking sun resting on the horizon three days later washed the expansive snowscape in tangerine tones. A modest cluster of buildings up ahead was their target, the only shelter they could find from the sudden biting chill of the freak-snowstorm only three hours prior. Ever since the second pack of gods had left, things just kept getting stranger and stranger, especially the weather._

_The jeep had been growing progressively more cramped as the day wore on, and by the time they entered the village limits they were all more than ready for a hot meal, a cozy bed, and plenty of time away from the other members of the party._

"_Y'know, I just realized that I'm really getting sick of zombies," grumbled Gojyo, forcing himself up out of the jeep as soon as it was parked in front of a suitable inn. "Two weeks or not, dead things should just stay that way."_

_Hakkai smiled in amusement. "On the bright side, we're less likely to attract as much attention this far west, thanks to Bishop Hazel and Gat."_

_Gojyo cringed. "Yeah, and what's up with that?! How are we supposed to mooch off all the free shit Sanzo gets if he's not getting any free shit?"_

_The priest in question rounded on him in a flash, brandishing his handgun. "Who are you mooching off of? WHO? Let me inform you of something you may not already know, smart-ass: **I CAN KILL YOU AT ANY MOMENT AND LEAVE YOU HERE TO ROT!**"_

_While the priest attempted to commit murder, Goku turned to Hakkai with a sad frown and shining, watery eyes. "But…before, people would give us so much free food…"_

_The noise from the other side stopped and Sanzo appeared beside the monkey, this time brandishing a large (supposedly lead-lined) paper fan. He whacked Goku across the head once, and while the young heretic cringed in pain, he growled irately, "And yet despite the free food, you still manage to suck all the money you can out of the Three Aspects' gold card."_

"'_Snot my fault they never give me enough to eat," he grumbled, rubbing the sore lump on his skull._

_Gojyo strode by and mussed up the boy's hair as he passed to enter the inn, "Nah, you're just a glutton."_

"_Take that back!" Goku retorted in a flash, chasing after the cockroach in his monkey rage._

_While the two degenerates ran in circles through the snow, the two remaining competent members of the group headed into the inn, reserved the only two vacancies, commented on the irony that the inn just "happened" to have two vacancies left, and took up residence in one of the rooms. This arrangement was designed to keep Sanzo's environment as benevolent as possible, seeing as how he was likely to start shooting if either of the other two shared with him, and being the implicitly unanimously selected matriarchal figure of the four, Hakkai was more than willing to accommodate the monk and keep the peace._

_It took approximately fifteen minutes of snowball fights escalating into disputes over the legality of ice balls and general wreaking of havoc for the two absent members to realize that they had been abandoned. Once this realization occurred, however, they hightailed it into the inn only to find that the worst had happened:_

_They had to share a room._

"_Aw, dammit!" cursed Gojyo. "Why won't anything go right?!"_

* * *

**_(Author's Notes)_**

_(1) Spanish for "The Boss"_

_(2) That was an ironic reference to the fact that yes, she sleeps with Kon, but no, not in the way they think—language is so screwy. (laugh) Literally! Also, people who say "O-M-G" rather than "oh, my God" need to rethink their options whenever they feel the urge to speak. Please, for the love of toast, just say the damn words—they both have the same number of syllables! (as does "holy crap", which is an equally satisfactory replacement)_

_(3) Ironically, she's half-Mexican and half-Italian—because I just find that concept amusing. No, I'm not an atheist—I actually like the thought that some omnipotent supernatural being is up there like the Godfather calling all the shots._

_There you have it. The Prologue to The Sequel. Don't worry. The beginning's always awkward. I tried a bit of a parallel thing, and yes, the two massive variations in time between Lydia's world and Togenkyo were intentional. Two years have passed Lydia-Time, and only two weeks have gone by in Saiyuki-Time. Why? Because it'll help get Sanzo all riled up, just the way I like him._

_THOU HAST READ, NOW REVIEW! I need input and constant prodding to tear myself away from school and actually update this mess. If anyone wants to know the meaning of a word or has any questions for the sake of clarity or about an allusion, please ask. I'm always available for you guys._

_P.S. I LOVE ALL MY READERS! THANK YOU FOR STICKING WITH ME FOR SO LONG! XD_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_

* * *


	2. Phenomenon: An Unexpected Reunion

**The Sequel: Chapter II

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I still stand by my firm belief that Gojyo is a good guy with a real sense of honor, that his whole perverted side is just one of the walls he uses to keep from letting anyone get too close, and that, when given the choice, he'd rather comfort a hopeless endeavor than pursue the easy bait._

_Ugh…it's not always so apparent, but deep down I'm such a hopeless romantic—you may shoot me now._

_However, you get to see the Kon-man have a nervous breakdown…that makes me happeh…_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"You cannot put kidneys in a man's head. Please make it a telephone."—Richard Pursel, from 'Ren and Stimpy' commentary_

* * *

**_Phenomenon: An Unexpected Reunion_**

_**(Kagekoku—Togenkyo)**_

"_We're staying an extra day? How come?" Goku had been halfway through the plate of rice, spring rolls, and ootori sushi he'd been defending from the water sprite when Sanzo made the announcement. His bright, liquid golden eyes gazed in confusion at his master and mentor from beneath chocolate brown hair and a golden diadem meant to limit his literal wild side._

_Sanzo took another sip of sake and replied, "According to some of the people who recognized us and forced me to chant a goddamn sutra for the safety of their village, there's a back road out of town that cuts straight through the mountain range. It might save us a month of traveling. We don't have the supplies we need, so since all the stores are closed already we have to wait until tomorrow afternoon before we can go."_

"_Thank the gods," Gojyo sighed, stretching his arms up and over his head and leaning his chair back. "I saw so many gorgeous women on the way in…I think I'll be going out."_

_Goku made a face. "Is that the only thing you ever think about? Don't you know it's freezin' outside?"_

_The kappa watched with a perturbed frown as the boy stuffed three pieces of sushi into his mouth and swallowed them like pills. "Is food all **you** ever think about?" he responded. "And the cold holds nothing over my hot body."_

_Hakkai laughed softly, "Now, now, you two. It's already nine o'clock—it's too late to start fighting now."_

"_It's never too late to fight," Gojyo stated with a grin, "but I can't anyway. The ladies are waiting." He piled his trash onto his plate and stood then, digging out and tapping a new pack of Hi-Lites into his palm before unwrapping it and taking out one of the slim white sticks. "I'll probably see you guys in the morning," he said with a backwards wave as he left the inn's diner._

"_Don't come back," the priest grumbled, reaching up the sleeve of his robe for the Three Aspects' gold card. Once obtained, he got up as well and went to pay the check, massaging the migraine under his thick, sun-gold hair. _

_For some bizarre reason, few people found it odd that his phenotypic makeup defied all genetic laws. Rather than the dark hair and brown eyes common to the people of this land, he was golden blond with deep violet eyes, effectively making him one of the strangest genetic mutations in the history of Shangri-La._

_Of course, pointing out that he was a bizarre genetic mutation was probably not the best idea if one valued one's life._

_Hakkai watched out his one good bright green eye—the other was hidden behind dark brown hair and a monocle—while the monk and the cockroach left the table. He then sighed, resting his chin in his palm and smiling a little at Goku, who had promptly returned to devouring everyone's leftovers. "Here, you can have the rest of my pie," he offered, pushing the remnants of the dessert toward the ravenous young man._

_Goku's eyes lit up and he grinned. "Thanks, Hakkai!" In two bites it was gone. Four more and the rest of the food was gone as well. Once all sustenance had been evacuated from the table, he sighed happily and patted his temporarily bulging gut._

_The only thing left was Hakuryu's food, which the tiny white dragon was still eating in miniscule bites and which none of the four would ever deny him (though Goku had come close on several occasions). Hakuryu was both friend and transportation, an animal with the capacity to become a Jeep, of all things. _

_They were okay with a Jeep. Though flashy, a Porche 911 wasn't just terrible for off-roading—it would never manage to fit both them and their squabbles._

"_Hey, Hakkai, ya think we can go for a walk?" Goku inquired after a short silence. "I feel like movin' after all that food, an' I wanna show you how t' build a snowman. Is that okay?"_

_Hakkai blinked, considered it, then nodded with a smile. "Sure. Not too long, though. It's getting late and it's dark outside."_

"_Yes!" the enthusiastic monkey exulted, hopping up and bouncing over to the priest. "Hey, Sanzo, Hakkai an' I are gonna go out in the snow for a while. You wanna come too?"_

"_No," he replied without hesitation. "I'm going to stay and get some sleep. Damn cold's making me tired."_

"_Oh…" Goku pouted, but nodded anyway. "Then g'night, Sanzo!" he bid with a wave, before hurrying back to Hakkai to head out._

_Sanzo sighed in exasperation as he watched the hyperactive ape leave with the pleasant-faced adult supervisor. "Stupid monkey. Those two had better not make any noise when they get back," he muttered past a suppressed yawn. He shook his head, took the receipt from the innkeeper, and headed upstairs for some much-needed, uninterrupted rest.

* * *

_

**(Approximately 3 Miles East of Kagekoku Village)**

The air was so cold, seeping into my bones and joints and muscles and making my body feel stiff like old rubber. Seeking warmth, I reached out unconsciously and found something soft and toasty, and instinctively I clung to it and buried my cold cheeks against the soothing heat.

"Lydia, are you awake?" I was still so groggy that even the sounds around me seemed strangely amplified, and the bed seemed to be moving. What a peculiar dream.

"Mmmpphh," I muttered against the warm something-or-other.

The something-or-other giggled and squirmed in my arms.

Suddenly I was up. Slowly, I lifted my swirling-from-exhaustion heavy head and discovered that Yumoa was the warm object to which I clung.

He was passed out asleep. "Heee…that tickles…" he murmured, suddenly reaching forward and wrapping his arms around me like a five-year-old hugging his teddy bear. Yet again I was disturbed by my inner sociopath, in that a grown man who rated about an eight-point-five (on a scale from one to ten—I'd always sort of preferred the dark-haired type) in the looks department was hugging me and getting no reaction on my part. Well, at least he was warm. I sighed and tried to fall back asleep. Besides, this was _Yumoa_ we were talking about. He was…a very special young god.

But wait—since when was _Yumoa_ the one invading my sleeping space?!

This time I really was awake, and after blinking several times, I looked around.

"Um…this may sound like a stupid question," I began slowly to no one in particular, "but why are we in an unfamiliar vehicle driving in the middle of the night through what _appears_ to be a midsummer blizzard?"

"Oh, good, you're being sarcastic. That means you're awake now." Konran's tapered phthalocyanine eyes glanced up once and caught me in the rear-view mirror, before returning to the "road" ahead. Hell, it could have been a frozen river, the snow was so bad.

"Andy, where the hell are we?" I sighed, just tired in general now. "Oh, and what the hell are you driving?"

"Stop calling me Andy. Since we're here, I'm Konran again. This is a Land Rover—good for rough terrain—and please don't attack me while I'm driving, but we're back in Togenkyo." He glanced at me once more, pleading with his now-glowing eyes that I _not_ to leap between the seats and tear him in half.

"Your eyes can glow now? Huh. Kon, where did you get this car?"

He actually turned and stared at me this time. "Wait, you're not going to kill me?"

"Why should I? I'm too tired to waste energy on attacking you right now. Now explain this vehicle and why we're even here to begin with." Hell, if the explanation was good enough, I might even forego beating him up. I was getting so used to these two doing whatever they wanted that it scared me a little.

"Wow…I'm surprised." And he did look rather shocked. It was a testament to my violent nature that he was surprised I _wasn't_ attacking him.

"Sure, you just keep being surprised—now tell me why we're here."

He frowned a little and sighed, "You're so blunt. We're here because even though we got rid of my sister, it seems our presence allowed someone else to get into the background and start causing problems."

I made a vague gesture with my free hand. "Okay—care to elaborate? What kinds of problems? And where the hell did the Land Rover come from?"

"Well…it's mine. I bought it about three months ago when I realized that my special means of travel tends to attract unwanted attention…"

"Oh, and it took you two whole years to figure that out? Where have you been hiding it? And where did you get the money, pray tell?" Now I was starting to get mad. He had too much money for someone without a job. "What exactly was your occupation while you were living with me?"

"I'd rather not tell you, and it's none of your concern anyway," he snapped, much to my surprise.

"Yeesh, chill! Fine, then explain the bizarre occurrences, at least." Since when did _he _get snippy with me?

He took a breath and ran a nervous hand through his thick, ear-length bangs. "Sorry… Anyway, Pepito brought an emissary from this realm over and we had a long discussion, and it turns out that there's someone from our realm on this side causing time warps and dimensional riffs and supernatural glitches that are undermining the integrity of this dimension."

"Oh?" Typical that I'd get stuck in the middle of a mess which was essentially ass-hat's fault. "And why can't I stay home and get some alone time in my own bed for once?"

"That's the part that'll probably make you hit me…so promise not to or I'm not telling you a thing." He glanced up again and again he was pleading with his eyes.

"Well, I suppose totaling a new—_expensive_—car isn't in my best interests, so fess up already."

He gripped the steering wheel and braced himself anyway. "Well…you made me take you."

I blinked, then glared at him through the mirror, though he was making a point of not looking up. "I did nothing of the sort! What madness would ever induce me to _ask_ that I be dragged along on one of your idiotic little misadventures?!" Sure, I was clinically insane—though "well-adjusted to normal life"—but I made a point to rid myself of annoyances.

"You told me in your sleep."

Oh, that was _it_. I shoved the unconscious Yumoa off of me (he grumbled a bit, but didn't wake) and leapt between the front seats, taking the passenger side and grabbing a handful of Kon's long, thick hair. "Explain to me how sleep-talk counts as consent to kidnapping!"

"You're perfectly sensible in your subconscious!" he cried, weaving the vehicle unintentionally for several harrowing seconds before straightening it out. "Let go of my head or we're going to crash!"

After a long thought, I complied and sat down properly hugging myself against the cold. "Dammit, Kon, why can't you ever give me a break? It's not like I asked you to take over my life."

"I didn't do it intentionally, Lydia. Things happen."

"Regardless, I'm going to build a time machine, go back to whenever the hell that Murphy bastard lived, and kill him for ruining my life with his stupid law. Maybe then I'll have a normal life."

It was quiet for a little while, and I watched the thick clumps of snow fly past the bright halogen headlights, trying to make my mind blank so that the cold wasn't so horribly intense.

"Are you cold?" the god inquired gently after a bit.

"Gee, ya think?!" I retorted despite myself. "Why isn't the heater on?"

"I…I don't feel temperature, really, so it doesn't matter to me," he murmured. "If you reach behind your seat, your coat is on the floor."

"Which one?" I turned around and groped through the darkness for something warm to wear.

"That leather one—the one you forgot here last time."

I stopped groping and froze. "How did you get it?"

"Kanzeon Bosatsu brought it over when she visited."

I spun around and stared at him, torn between punching him in the face and dropping the lighter in his lap. Luckily, common sense caught me before I did either, and instead I said, "Why didn't you let me talk to her?" In truth, I'd felt horrible for not getting a chance to say goodbye to Kannon—_ex post facto_, of course.

"I didn't know it was her to begin with—I just thought that Pepito had finally come to take you to Tartarus because mortals are technically not allowed to know definitively about the existence of the gods—but instead he was just bringing her across the rift. She asked for my help in fixing the problem."

"But I want to see Kannon!" I whined, finally finding the coat and pulling it on. It still smelled like fresh leather, thank sanity. Oh, how I had missed this coat.

"Well, you'll probably get the chance. Remember that earring she gave you? She returned that as well and told me to have you wear it again. Check the inner pocket."

I gasped and quickly searched the pocket, grasping something small and cold and withdrawing it. The small, teardrop-shaped earring glowed blue in the dim reflection of the headlights. I immediately fit it into my left ear and checked myself out in the visor mirror. "Oh, this brings back memories…"

"Are you at least happy about that?" Konran murmured, looking at me through the corner of his eye.

I thought about it, then smiled. "Yeah, I guess I can forgive you then."

"…Thank goodness," he sighed

I frowned at him. "Hey, are you sure you can't feel the cold? Your cheeks are as red as mine—possibly redder 'cause you, my friend, are freaking albino."

He blinked at me several times before turning to the road and focusing unusually hard on driving. "I'm fine!" he said quickly, waving away my concern.

"Uh-huh…where are we going?"

He sighed in what appeared to be relief—but who knew? "There's a small village about three—no, two more miles from here, where the core of the disturbances seems to be situated. Apparently, it's traveling West at a stop and go pace."

"West," I repeated flatly.

"Yeah, I had that feeling, too."

"Well, I guess we might be seeing some old friends then."

"It certainly seems like it."

I smirked and sat back, folding my arms across my stomach and chuckling a little.

He gave me a worried look, as though he thought I was formulating some horribly twisted plan. "What's so funny?"

I shrugged. "Nothing, really. It's just that Sanzo's gonna be **_so_** pissed to see us."

* * *

**_(Mei-Ling Tavern)_**

_Gojyo was in his element. There were so many gorgeous women in the bar who had come in to get away from the freak snowstorm that he had a veritable cornucopia to choose from._

_There was that luscious bottle blonde with the mini skirt and legs that just kept going and going; the redhead—not nearly as redheaded as him of course—with the dangerous curves and long, copper eyelashes; the dark beauty with mocha skin and sable hair that stretched straight to her round, juicy butt…_

_But none of them held a candle to the stunning auburn brunette with the skintight Chinese dress and the milky white skin, on whom the talented kappa was putting his best moves._

_He'd been working on her the whole night, buying her the most expensive drinks and letting her take out all her frustrations with work and men. He'd learned through experience that by allowing the woman to talk and complain, while actually **listening** to what she had to say, he almost always won enough trust to get invited home._

"…_And so this other guy came up and tried to make a pass at me, but I kicked him in the stomach with my heels," she laughed, clinging to his arm and giggling into his shoulder._

_Gojyo grinned. "Guys like that just don't know how to treat a lady," he murmured disdainfully. "Some women like a little bit of pushing, but a lot of them prefer the nice and easy approach."_

"_Exactly!" She let out a long sigh and took a sip of cognac. "Why can't things be simpler?" She took another sip, then paused. "Hey…this tastes like…"_

"_Hmm?" He looked over and saw her frowning hard at her glass, then looked at the glass and blinked in surprise. "Is that blood?!"_

_She gave a start and shrieked, shoving the glass away and jumping off the barstool. "Oh, God, oh, God…"_

_The glass smashed on the floor between them and they stared at it in utter bewilderment._

_It was just cognac._

"_What the hell?" Gojyo muttered, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and stabbing it into the ashtray. "I could have sworn…"_

_She shook her head, throwing her long, wavy hair all around her shoulders. "No, I saw it, too, and it tasted like it."_

"_Then what just happened?" He looked around the bar, meeting a dozen pairs of tired, jaded eyes. The elderly, bespectacled bartender approached and set down a new glass, and the two of them frowned up at him. "What's going on here?"_

"_It's been like this for a few days now, same as the closest town to the East," he replied with a resigned tone from behind a thick gray mustache. "All kinds of weird things happenin', like things movin' 'round and cabinet doors openin' when no one's in the room. One of the regulars swears he saw a monster in the mountains and lots o' the others seen blue and white lights in the woods 'round the village."_

_Gojyo turned to the woman. "Really?"_

_She nodded, covering her eyes with a trembling hand. "Yeah…it's horrible. My friend was hanging the wash in her yard when the ground started shaking and her hands started melting off her bones right in front of her eyes. Then when she panicked and ran in the house, the shaking stopped and her hands were fine."_

"_Holy shit…that would screw with anyone's head." He could recall a similar incident involving a certain youkai by the name of Zakuro, but anything this wide-scale would probably be beyond that one's abilities. He gave an uncertain laugh, "What's causing it?"_

"_No one knows," she sighed, brushing a hand over her hair and trying to gather her wits. "According to the travelers who come by, it's kept East until a few days ago. Lots of us think it's some disturbance moving West, and some of the elders are saying it's punishment for our wicked youth." She laughed sadly, "My own grandmother kicked me out because she thinks I'm cursing us."_

_He sobered up instantly. "That's just cruel. Where are you staying now?"_

"_A friend's—the one with the melting hands." She grimaced at the morbid humor of it all. "Anyway, it's getting kind of late. Could walk me home?"_

_He smiled slightly. "Anything for a beautiful lady." He set a large bill on the counter to pay for the drinks and thanked the bartender, then stood and pulled his coat on after helping her into her own. "So which way is it?" he asked once they were out in the windswept snow drifts._

"_Follow me," she said confidently, taking hold of his arm and leading him through the deserted street. The houses were in various states of activity, some lit warmly and others already out for the night. "It's the one right over there, with the dying flowers on the sill."_

_Dying red flowers…he sighed as they came to her friend's front doorstep._

_She paused at the door, then turned to him a tad anxiously. "W-would you like to come in and warm up?"_

_Gojyo smiled and took her hand, then planted a gentle kiss on the back of it. "I would love to, but I think considering the state of things, you're probably better off if I leave now."_

_She gaped at him in surprise, then blushed furiously. "Wow…thank you…"_

_She hesitated for a few shocked moments, then suddenly pulled him down and kissed him deeply, then spun and hurried into the house with an exuberant wave and a hasty good-bye._

_He stood there for several seconds just staring at the door, then turned with a grin and walked back toward the inn with a sense of accomplishment. As much as he'd wanted to get laid, it was also nice sometimes to just make a girl feel better._

_But still…all that time spent and now it was too late to start over…_

"_Ah, dammit—ghkkk!"_

_Before his knew what was going on, someone had yanked him into a side alley and shoved him back against a wall, gripping the lapels of his coat to keep him from moving._

"_What the hell?!" he cried in surprise._

"_How did you do that?!" demanded the assailant._

_The water sprite opened his squinted eyes and met a pair of glowing blue-green ones, like the perfect blend of emerald and sapphire. "Konran?!"_

_The god let him go and began pacing restlessly, shaking a fist at the falling snow. "Curse the day I was born, I know nothing after five thousand years!"_

"_Uh…what?" It was weird enough to see the god of Chaos returned, but now he was acting like a madman. It didn't help, either, that he was wearing nothing more than black jeans and a T-shirt out in this cold. "Hey, calm down! What's wrong with you?"_

_Konran froze in his tracks, then slowly turned to scrutinize the kappa. "How do you do it?" he asked at length. "I spot you at the bar, follow you here, and you** turn that girl down?** All that skill and you said no at the very end!"_

_It had taken a little while, but at that moment, Gojyo realized what the real issue was. "So Lydia still doesn't know, does she?"_

_He shook his head. "Naïve as ever," he lamented hopelessly._

"_You realize that you've only been gone two weeks, right? I mean, it'll take longer than that with someone like her."_

"_That's the thing! It's been two **years** and I still have nothing—our realms' times have gone all out of joint. The sickening irony of it all is that we've been sleeping in the same bed that whole time…"_

"_Wait, two **years**?" the kappa reiterated. "She's eighteen now? Legal?!"_

_Konran gave him a deadly glare. "If you even **think** about what I think you're thinking about, I'll kill you."_

_Gojyo smirked. "If you really thought that I was thinking about what you say you think I was thinking about, then don't you think you would have killed me already?" (1)_

"_Oh, shut up." Chaos took a spot against the wall, then promptly sat in that spot, hugging his legs and burying his face against his knees. "I'm going to kill **myself** soon if things keep going this way," he groaned._

"_Well…this was the last thing I was expecting. Is that why you're here? For advice?"_

"_No, we came because there's something tampering with the fabric of your realm." Yet, the matter concerning Lydia seemed the more pressing of the two for Konran._

"_Really, now? That's funny, because some really weird shit happened back at that tavern."_

"_Alcohol turned to blood?"_

_This reply wasn't what Gojyo had expected. "You don't sound very surprised."_

_The god shrugged apathetically. "It's an old trick. Chances are good that there's a lower-level god sending out sprites to do his bidding and cause all kinds of mischief. The fabric of your realm is unaccustomed to such things, and if it continues for too long, the dimension will do an automatic reset—sort of like when Yumoa filled the computer with spyware and we had to throw out the old hard drive…"_

_Clearly, the god was standing at the precipice of madness. "Then shouldn't you, maybe, be doing something about it?"_

"_I suppose, but what am I going to do about Lydia?! For someone so sharp, she's almost devastatingly ignorant of anything concerning relationships. She tolerates me, but that's all I know!"_

"_Wow, she really **is** dense if she hasn't figured it out by now. She's really never had even a boyfriend?"_

"_Oh, hell no. If she had I'd have lost my temper and killed him immediately."_

"_Er…some people would say that's a little harsh," the kappa laughed nervously. Konran had seemed on edge before they'd parted ways, but now he seemed ready to die of deprivation._

"_Harsh or not, I'm still the god of Chaos, and when it comes to her I'm the least rational being in existence." He raised his head then with eyes begging. "Please help me. You know more about women than I do. I'm a good god, given the circumstances, but up until recently I've been a horrible man."_

"_Horrible? How so?"_

_Konran looked away in embarrassment. "Well…you could say I'm accustomed to seeing them as a means to an end. I've probably broken so many hearts over the course of my life. I say **probably** because I never paid enough attention to notice."_

"_A heartbreaker, huh?" Gojyo sighed and searched his pocked for his smokes, taking one out and lighting up to battle the cold._

_The god shook his head. "No…a womanizer. There's a difference. I know how to get them into bed—but that's about it. And Lydia is a special case even for that. It's almost as though she doesn't really like men."_

_The kappa stared at him, somewhat unconvinced that the broken man before him had once been the** bad** kind of ladies' man. But though Gojyo hated men like that, seeing Konran so distraught seemed a fitting punishment. Perhaps it was divine punishment a level higher? "You think she might swing the other way?"_

_He shook his head harder. "I don't know! If so, then I'm a dead man walking. I'll die miserable"_

"_Well, then why don't you ask her?" The redhead still couldn't see why Konran was so stuck on this. When in doubt, be blunt about it—especially with that girl. The direct approach seemed the only thing to which she ever responded positively._

"_I can't do that! She'd kill me on sight! I still have the scar from when she stabbed me…it's not going away any time soon, either."_

_Gojyo sighed in mild exasperation, "In that case, get off the ground and stand up like a man. No woman wants a lame-ass. Come on, we're going to go say hi. Where'd you park?"_

"_Over there…" He made a vague gesture toward the other end of the alley, clearly exhibiting no desire to go back there._

"_Goddammit." Suddenly, he grabbed Konran by the scruff of his neck and yanked him up, ignoring the downtrodden god's inevitable protests. "Get up, I said! I'm not helping anyone who's too afraid to face their problems head-on."_

_That gave Chaos pause, and after a moment he stopped fighting and stood on his own. "Fine. Tell me what to do and I'll do it."_

_Gojyo nodded solemnly, taking another drag from his cigarette and blowing the smoke off to one side. "Good, now dance."_

"_What?!"_

_He held up a hand. "Kidding! It was a joke! Damn. Lesson one: Loosen up. Some things take time. Tthat's just how it is."_

"_Oh…okay…"_

_The kappa chuckled, sensing an entertaining challenge before him. "Now, let's go see the enemy."

* * *

_

**(The Land Rover)**

"Kon sure is taking his sweet time, isn't he?" I grumbled, shivering slightly. The inconsiderate bastard had turned off the engine and taken the keys, leaving me to fend off the sub-zero temperatures all by my lonesome. Yumoa, the unconscious, barefoot Comedy, did not count as company. He was like my puppy or something, always searching for praise and attention. Kon was like my cat—far too independent for his own good, and often aggravating.

The town was small and sparsely lit. It was as though some madman had taken the village out of a snow globe and replanted it here, only to have it smothered in snow and ice; quaint, yet helpless. I had my eyes trained on a dark side alley into which the god had disappeared, supposedly following some sort of trail—he'd mumbled most of it, and whatever wasn't mumbled had been disjointed and, quite frankly, stupid.

Since when was "(mumble, mumble) sense (mumble) help (mumble) insane if I (mumble) dammit!" considered a coherent reply to "why did we stop?"

But about ten minutes into my wait, a pair of windblown figures approached from the same alley, and I reached over and switched on the bright Xeon headlights to see them better, making them cringe and cover their eyes. "Sweet!" I whispered. I'd recognize that crimson hair and brown leather coat from a mile away.

Disregarding my body's protests that it was far too cold to go running into a blizzard, I threw open the door and leapt out, not bothering to shut it again as I sprinted over to the figure and tackled it to the ground.

"Whoa!" he cried in surprise.

"Gojyo!" I laughed, squeezing him a tad overzealously. "How's it goin', dude?!"

He sucked in a gasping breath and croaked, "Well, I can't breathe."

"Oops." I let go and stood in a flash, mildly shocked at my behavior. REASON was throwing a fit, but I ignored that part of my brain for the time being.

"Better…I'm fine," he sighed, getting up with his classic wry smirk and dusting the snow from his jeans and coat. "Konran tells me that you guys are back to patch up some problems."

I frowned at the god, and he frowned right back for several seconds before looking away with a dejected sigh. "Kon brought me against my will."

He winced. "You made me take you!" he snapped.

I snorted, "No, you heard me talking nonsense in my sleep and took advantage of my exhaustion! I'm tired! I don't want to deal with your little issues!"

Gojyo interrupted before it escalated to a fistfight, "Please, please! It's good to see you, too!" He shot a sharp look at Kon and the god growled and stalked off to close the door I had left wide open.

"He's getting more and more irritating as time goes on," I muttered darkly.

The look he gave me was peculiar, "I see…but it's not all bad, is it?"

"Once he starts paying the bills, then we'll talk, but until then the moocher's gonna have to suffer my daily wrath." I turned away from the god's busywork and smirked at the cockroach. "Guess what."

He blinked—yet again, the look was peculiar…or perhaps I was just being paranoid? "What?"

I held up two fingers. "Two inches in two years! I _so_ kick ass."

"Thought you looked different. Your hair's longer, too. This might sound weird, but you've only been gone two weeks. Konran said that there's been some kind of time shift or whatever. I don't speak science, but weird shit's been happening all over, according to the locals."

"Well, Chaos certainly lives up to his name, I'll hand him that," I grumbled. "Where are the other guys?"

"Back at the inn. There's no vacancies, I don't think, but hell, maybe someone was crazy enough to leave in this weather. And if there's still nothing, you guys can sleep in mine and the chimp's room." He chuckled, "Sanzo's gonna kill himself. He was so glad to get rid of you. He's gonna blame the monkey for jinxing us."

"Then let the jinxing commence! C'mon and get in. I'll force the moocher to drive us there."

* * *

_**(Sanzo's Room)**_

_Sanzo's violet eyes opened suddenly, scanning the darkness and the flurry of snow just outside of the second-floor window beside his bed. The single pane was wet with melted flakes, as the space heater kept the room tolerably warm. His Sanzo sense was tingling, similar to the one that felt the monkey's soundless calls, but slightly different. It was the one that sensed danger and potential annoyances—perhaps it was a gift from the gods—perhaps it was just one more thing to interrupt his bid for peaceful rest._

"_Goddammit," he growled, sitting up and pressing the heels of his palms against his eyelids. "What now?"_

_He groped through the darkness, clasped his Marlboro Reds on the nightstand, and automatically lit up, taking a drag and letting the nicotine seep into his blood to help mellow the sudden urge to kill whatever had made him wake up. He'd have to sleep late to make up for lost rest, but that might not be a bad idea if it pissed off the lecherous cockroach._

_While he smoked, he leaned his head against the window, letting his dense hair lessen the cold of the glass. Nothing much was going on down there, just the damn snow falling on huge thick clumps like there was no tomorrow, blocking some of the amber light from a nearby lamppost. He sincerely hoped that they wouldn't have to drive through this kind of weather, especially if they were leaving in the afternoon._

_Hell, they might even have to stay until the day after tomorrow—which just **really** pissed him off._

_And then he heard a sound that he had hoped to all the gods he would never have to hear again._

_Ironically, it was laughter._

"_Oh, hell no," he whispered, raising his head and squinting out the window. He cursed the streetlight for casting a glare across half his line of sight._

"_Oh, this should be **fun**," chuckled a voice behind him._

_In a flash he spun, snatched up his banishing gun, and sighted it on the tall, slim figure standing jauntily with a shoulder against the doorframe and a hand on a hip._

_Kanzeon Bosatsu, the Merciful Goddess, smirked back at him from behind a fall of long, wavy black bangs. _

_He glared wrathfully at her, filling with a rage beyond anything any other human being was capable of experiencing—and surviving without an aneurism._

"_**Fuck**," he muttered emphatically, unable to stop his eyes from sliding unconsciously toward the scene outside of the window._

"_What?" Kannon inquired good-naturedly, endlessly amused._

_His eyes flicked back. "She's back, isn't she?"

* * *

_

**_(Author's Notes)_**

_(1) Say that five times fast, I DARE YOU._

_Super special lurid thankee dance to EoS for inspiring the end of this last scene. I broke the quote into two parts, but hey, it's still beautiful. I love it when Sanzo's all pissy. It's a very special brand of humor._

_This time around, the plot's gonna be thick and…juicy? Er…man, I'm out of it._

_BEDTIME! Sanzo ain't getting' any sleep, but though I am an insomniac, I still must manage my three or so hours a night. (It's 2:32 AM here in the land of sun and hurricanes)_

_By the way, PLEASE REVIEW!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	3. Sobriety: Gunfights and Odd Inebriation

**The Sequel: Chapter III

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_There's something poetic about an angry person. I don't know what it is exactly, but the extent to which the humor can be taken always seems so boundless when it comes to angry people. This is why Sanzo is so much fun to manipulate. Oh, and yes, I was bored when I wrote this…I love gunfights and inebriation…And I love the idea that Hakuryu is like the wise old man of the group to whom no one ever pays any attention._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Life is a series of disappointments followed by death."—BumperSticker_

"_Children are our future. Get ready for a cruel, violent future."—BumperSticker_

"_It's all fun and games until someone gets sacrificed to Satan."—BumperSticker_

* * *

**_Sobriety: Gunfights and Odd Inebriation_**

Once Gojyo had thoroughly examined every special feature of the vehicle which I hadn't known Konran possessed until I was kidnapped, we finally went on our way to the other side of the village where the inn with no vacancies was located. Somehow, Comedy noticed absolutely nothing and carried on sleeping like a dog in the back seat. I had opted to let the kappa ride shotgun, but he'd refused for some unfathomable reason.

"I'm good back here," he assured me with another of those odd smirks.

I shrugged. "Fine, leave me trapped up here with my kidnapper, you jerk."

Konran's hold on the wheel tightened slightly. "You were the one who leapt up front to pull my hair out and try to crash the car," the moody god rebutted.

"So? _YOU KIDNAPPED ME._ Forgive me if that little fact irritates me."

"Oh, for the love of—you told me to take you!"

Gojyo cut in before I could retort, "Please! You two should really just try to get along." He pulled out a cigarette and his lighter, and in a flash both Konran and I turned and smacked the implements out of his hand.

"No smoking in our car!" we snapped simultaneously.

I blinked, then turned slowly to the man beside me with an irate glare. "Don't do that again."

His eye twitched. "One of these days, Princess…"

_**Princess?!**_

"Sonuvabitch, how _dare_ you call me that?!" I cried, attempting to leap out of my seat and rip his head off. Unfortunately, the seatbelt thwarted my homicidal rage and I bounced back into the seat with thump.

He was silent for a moment, then asked quietly, "Are you okay?"

I frowned, rubbing my left shoulder. "Owww…that's the one Goku busted up, too." Then I gasped and turned to him anxiously. "My medication! Did you bring it?"

He sighed and smiled a little. "Of course. Though I think you should still eat something when we get there."

"The diner has some dessert," Gojyo offered lightly. He picked up the fallen cigarette and lighter and put them away. "Hakkai and Goku probably already left, and Sanzo has the gold card and the prick's probably in bed already, but I've got a little cash…"

"That won't be necessary," Konran refused politely. "I have ways of getting money."

_What kinds of ways?_ CURIOSITY piped up before I could stop it.

Konran flinched and turned to stare at me. "Another one?!"

"Errr…"

"Another what?" The water sprite didn't want to be left in the dark.

"Another voice," the god murmured, giving me worried looks.

Gojyo sat back. "Oh…I almost forgot about the whole schizophrenia thing. And the diabetes."

"I'm a person of many disorders," I muttered sardonically, pouting out the window at the passing buildings. "Or a superhero, but with no powers or motivation. How much further?"

"You can park over there. Hakuryu's with Hakkai, and I don't know how the villagers are gonna react to the car, but it shouldn't really bother anyone."

Konran parked in an empty area between two buildings and cut the engine before undoing his seatbelt and looking between the two seats at his dozing cousin. "Yumoa, wake up, you little ingrate. We're here."

It was always fascinating when Yumoa woke up. He didn't just wake up—he WOKE UP.

"Awesome!" he cheered instantly, sitting up and hopping out of the car before anyone had time to register his transition. He was just suddenly on the other side of the closed door, running around back and opening the rear hatch.

"What the hell…?" Gojyo gaped at him, then slowly looked to the two of us still in front. "He really isn't normal, is he?"

"Nope," I sighed, laughing a little. "I have my suspicions that he was a squirrel in his previous life."

Konran opened his door and rushed out, chasing after the hyperactive god. "No! Put that back! We're not unpacking!" he shouted as he disappeared behind the vehicle.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna get out now," I muttered, shaking my head.

Gojyo and I took our time exiting the car and locking our doors, and by the time we walked around back to see what the hell was going on, Konran was sorting through the multitude of baggage he'd somehow managed to fit in the storage space. He pulled out a pair of backpacks, one black and one red, and a small camouflage-printed travel bag.

"Bring enough stuff?" Gojyo asked in surprise, eying the mountain uncertainly.

Comedy giggled. "I wanted to make sure Lydia didn't miss her stuff, so I brought all her DVDs and games and even that pillow she's always carrying around the house!"

"Pillow." The kappa looked at me out the corner of his eye.

I didn't care what he thought, as I was suddenly so happy that I glomped Comedy and laughed hysterically, "My life blood! You brought my life blood! That's it, I love you!"

Yumoa hugged me back happily. "Yay! Didja hear that Kon? She loves me!"

Suddenly he was ripped out of my arms and yanked back, and I stood briefly, unsure as to what exactly had happened until I saw Konran storming off with his cousin in tow, dragging him by his collar toward the inn through the snow drifts.

"Uh, what was that?" I asked no one specifically, squinting one eye at the god in bewilderment.

"No idea," replied Gojyo.

While I frowned suspiciously at the kappa, he smirked again and swaggered off toward the inn as well.

A blast of cold air and freezing snow accosted me then, and I decided that it would be a good idea to follow them, despite REASON's constant nagging that something was going on behind the scenes. I didn't particularly care anyway, since I was too focused on something else far more entertaining:

Scaring the crap outta Sanzo.

* * *

**_(Meanwhile…Sugar Gathers Wood)(1)_**

_Sato was a stalwart young man with a great passion…for bread. He baked bread, ate bread, wrote new and revolutionary recipes for bread, and in the distant future, would eventually invent the great and mysterious "sliced bread". (2)_

_So because of his passion for what some might call a bizarre and unsettling fetish, he was out in the middle of the blizzard, gathering firewood in order to—you guessed it—bake some bread. Such was this madman's dedication._

_He hummed bread-making songs as he waded through three-foot snow drifts, constantly reminding himself to add three cups of sugar instead of two and a half for his newest invention. The neighbors watched him from their warm homes, remarking on how truly odd this man was._

_However, as he stepped under the branches of one of many old evergreens in the dense forest behind his home on the outskirts of the village, a bright green light suddenly flashed, blinding him momentarily. Just as he reached the refrain, he vanished, leaving behind only a pile of wood and the rolling pin he kept on his utility belt.

* * *

_

_**(Sanzo's Room)**_

"_What the fuck do you want from me?!" the monk demanded of the goddess, beginning to think it was all some big prank after several uneventful minutes had passed. "Isn't it enough that we're taking your damn mission?" His eyes flashed darkly in the dim streetlight's pale orange glow, and several stylized veins accumulated on his head._

_Kannon giggled behind her hand. "Oh, Konzen, you're always so entertaining. I don't see why you hate that lost kitten so much. She's almost as much fun as you are."_

"_She just pisses me off! It's like having two damn monkeys to deal with instead of just one!"_

"_Oh?" Kannon wandered toward the table and took a seat, crossing one leg over the other. "Would it help at all if I told you that I asked that they come?"_

_His eyes narrowed. "That makes it worse." He sat back against the sill and glared over his shoulder out at the falling snow. In some corner of his mind, he was just glad that it wasn't raining—that would have driven him to end the known world. Not that the snow was much better, but it weighed much less heavily on him._

_The goddess sighed and smiled at her nephew's reincarnation. "Well, if it's any consolation, they're not here for a vacation. There's actually something of a mission that I need them to help with, especially since it's their fault that it happened at all."_

"_That's a shitty consolation. And when you say 'they' and 'them', are you implying that not just the stray came?" Gods forbid._

"_Yes. Lydia, Konran, and Yumoa are all here."_

_He would have shot Kannon in the head in an instant if there hadn't been a knock at the door to interrupt his contemplation of the act. He glowered at the wood as though it might explode if he concentrated any harder on his anger. "What?!" he shouted angrily, way passed pissed and entering into previously unknown territory._

_In response, the door exploded anyway in a hail of bullets, and he had a split-picosecond to dive to the floor and avoid being riddled with holes like young Swiss cheese. And the moment the gunfire ceased, he reciprocated, emptying his banishing gun before allowing the eerie silence to fall._

…_Followed by frightened and angry shouting and arguing._

_("Where were you hiding that?!")_

_("In my pants.")_

_("Have you lost your mind? What if you had actually killed someone?!")_

_("Oh, don't be ridiculous. I've been practicing for a week. And look, I have another one, too!")_

_("Who the hell sold you a Tommy gun and a Beretta?!")_

_("I have my ways. I call this one Tom, and this one's my baby Betty.")_

_("…")_

_Unafraid and currently residing in the Nth dimension of pissed, the priest slowly stood, shot an enraged glare at the smirking goddess, stalked to the door while reloading his weapon, and ripped it off its hinges when he yanked it open._

"_**WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!**" he practically screamed, pressing the muzzle between the dark-haired girl's reddish-brown eyes._

"_I've always wanted to shoot at you, just to piss you off." She chuckled and tapped the muzzle of her own weapon to his chest—or, more specifically, she tapped an M9 semiautomatic 9mm military-issue Beretta to his chest (3). Apparently, the Tommy gun had returned to its mysterious hiding place in her pants. Yet again, she was utilizing the awkward physics of this realm to her own twisted advantage. Behind her, Yumoa was grinning, Konran was torn between anger and terror (he'd been the one arguing with her, obviously), and Gojyo was pressed to the opposite wall in a state of utmost trauma._

_Sanzo's eyes twitched, and he turned his glare on the cockroach. "You bring them here?"_

_The kappa blinked surprisingly dilated pupils, and slowly returned the gaze. "Uh…y-y-yeah…m-my bad."_

"_**DIE**." The banishing gun sighted on the cockroach and he cringed, too freaked to even think to run away._

_Fortunately for him, the two missing members of the party ran in just in time to save his life._

"_Sanzo, wait!" Goku yelled, jumping between the gun and the cockroach before suddenly being tackled to the floor by a happy blur of black and red._

"_Goku!!" Lydia cried giddily, putting him into a headlock and giving him a near-violent noogie. "Didja miss me, buddy?"_

"_Lydia?!"_

"_Hell yeah, dude! I'm back for another round! Yumoa! Get the Twister mat! And hey, Hakkai! What's up?"_

_The ever-pleasant man laughed uncertainly, but put on a warm smile. "Oh, same as always, I suppose."_

"_Excellent." She released the ape as Yumoa produced the Twister mat and spinner from one backpack, and before the others could stop them, they ran into Gojyo and Goku's room and shut the door to play._

"_Um, Sanzo?" Konran said after a long, drawn-out, **awkward** silence, "I have a favor to ask of you."_

_The priest narrowed one eye and sneered at him. "You have some balls, asking me for a favor after that shit your girlfriend just pulled."_

_Konran blinked in shock. "G-girlfriend? Ye gods, I wish." He lowered his head. "No…I'd just like you to kill me now. Just end me. I'd like that."_

"_Eh?" Gojyo snapped out of it and gaped at the god. "What happened to our plan?!"_

_He shook his head. "After this, I realize now that she's going to kill me if she ever finds out—and probably in far more painful ways than Sanzo can conjure. I'd like to die now, if that's okay…"_

"_Don't underestimate how painful the death I can bring you will be," Sanzo growled irritably._

"_Oh, I don't think I can allow that," Kannon tsked, stepping into the light of the hallway in all her sheer splendor. Gojyo and Hakkai didn't seem all that shocked to see here there. "I've frozen this entire incident in a different facet of your realm so that the establishment doesn't go into an uproar, but I must say, Konran, that you disappoint me."_

_Chaos made a face. "Don't patronize me. I'm done. Please just shoot me now."_

_Sanzo frowned at him, then tucked the gun into the bundle around his waist. "I don't waste bullets on idiots."_

"_What?! Please! I'll beg if I have to!" The god actually fell to his knees while Gojyo and Hakkai made futile attempts to raise his spirits. Even Hakuryu, who gets not nearly enough airtime in this fanfic, chirped and fluttered above, trying to tell everyone that they were all being stupid._

_But alas, no one listened to the transportation._

_It was Hakkai who finally managed to attract enough attention to make Konran stop groveling and prevent Sanzo from beating the god's ass for pissing him off. Hakuryu was satisfied well enough with this outcome, and settled on his master's shoulders to take a nap and pretend that he wasn't surrounded by ignorant children._

"_Everybody, we should probably listen to what the Merciful Goddess has to say before we start killing each other," the wise man suggested._

_Kannon nodded assent. "That's right! I ditched Jiroshin to come here and tell you boys some important information, but now you're all making a mess of things. He's probably in a panic right now." Not surprisingly, this thought seemed to amuse her greatly._

_Konran looked up from his prostrate position before the monk's feet. "Oh, yeah…you asked us here to do some cleanup duty, didn't you?" he mumbled vaguely._

_Sanzo just stared at him, then decided that it was time to go back to bed. He turned to the goddess. "I don't have time for this. Talk to Hakkai and the two idiots. They can pass on the information after I stop wanting to kill you all for being stupid."_

"_Good night, Sanzo," Hakkai bade cheerfully._

_The monk made a noncommittal noise, walked back into the room, and slammed the miraculously repaired door shut._

_Silence ensued once more. After a bit, Kannon looked to the three survivors—or perhaps two, since Konran was still face-flat on the floor, apparently talking to himself in Latin—or maybe crying?—and said resignedly, "Well, let's go chat down in the bar. I'll seal that off too, so Konran won't make a scene."_

_The other two nodded and grabbed an ankle each, dragging the still-insensible god down two flights of stairs while the goddess made brief small-talk. It was going to be a hell of a night.

* * *

_

_**(Houtou Castle—Lirin)**_

_Being a naturally inquisitive young youkai Princess, Lirin was naturally stalking her brother when he suddenly received a summons from her less-than-affectionate bitch-mother. So, naturally, she followed him there and eavesdropped from a rather precarious position, hanging upside-down from a bundle of wires too high-up for any of them to notice her presence. The revival chamber had always given her the creeps, but curiosity had always won out over her sense of self-preservation. It was her fortune that they needed her for the revival._

_Lirin's biological mother—and evil witch supreme—was seated in her usual throne-like fixture immediately before the massive, dormant figure of her obsession, dressed in flowing pale blue and green robes and wearing her hair in a bizarre configuration. As Kougaiji entered the chamber and approached the two-story catwalk on which she awaited him, she smirked wicked, blood-red lips and narrowed her already narrow eyes._

"_Hello, dear Kougaiji," she drawled unpleasantly. The Prince gagged inwardly and narrowed his sharp, lavender eyes to mere slits. He hated this concubine so much. If it weren't for his real mother being held prisoner in another chamber, he'd have killed this bitch already._

"_I don't have time for games," he stated flatly, clenching clawed fists to keep from losing his cool. "What do you want?"_

_Her smirk faded slightly at his defiance and Lirin smothered a giggle. "Fine, we can play **your** game. Professor Ni has gone on temporary leave to take care of some business, and Dr. Hwan is working on an interesting new solo project. Since the Professor is gone, she has requested that you assist her in completing the final stages."_

_Kougaiji didn't like her tone. It meant that he'd probably end up doing more than just assisting. "Fine, but on one condition."_

"_There will be no negotiation!" she snapped._

_He shot her a brief glare. "I refuse to be the subject of the experiment!" _

_She chuckled unpleasantly, "Then you are in luck. Your job is to keep an eye on the real subject of her experiment. And if anything goes wrong, it will be your responsibility to fix it. Is that understood?"_

_Well, at least it was better than working with the gods had been. "Fine," he grumbled. He whipped around to escape as quickly as possible, flaring his long white vest and long, trailing auburn rattail behind him. No good came of sticking around Gyokumen Koushu._

_Lirin frowned as he left, then once he was gone she pulled herself back up and shimmied along the wires to get back to her hiding place. Something was definitely up. Professor Ni rarely ever left his lab, unless it was to "talk business" with her mother, and Dr. Hwan was always being overshadowed by the Professor. She must have found out something **really** interesting to go against Lady Koushu's orders and start a side project before letting the boss know about it._

"_All right! Time for Lirin ta do some investigatin'!" the young Princess declared to herself in a whisper that no one else would hear.

* * *

_

**_(Nth-Dimensional Alcohol)_**

_Kannon set down her shot glass and smiled slightly. "And that's it!"_

_Gojyo and Hakkai had just finished listening to the goddess's whole explanation as to what exactly was going on, and were now staring rather hard at the honey-colored varnish of the counter-top. Several glasses of beer were scattered across the surface, leaving rings of moisture wherever they were set down. Gojyo was a smidge tipsy—Hakkai was completely sober._

_The news was somewhat surprising, but it still paled in comparison to the incident involving Lydia and her newest toys. Hakkai was just glad that they had come along in time to save Gojyo from getting shot. Gojyo was just glad that the madwoman and the pissy priest hadn't shot at **him**._

_Konran had his forehead resting on one arm on the countertop, while the other clutched at a whole bottle of the finest, strongest rum in the establishment._

_He was humming unintelligibly—the others were reluctant to interrupt his reverie, though they all would have liked to know whether or not it was the alcohol making him act so strangely. Did Chaos gods get drunk? Kannon was slightly inebriated, but still fully functional—whereas Konran seemed as though he'd been struck down by an eighteen-wheeler._

_Hakkai sighed and smiled a bit soberly—which was ironic, since he'd been drinking nonstop for nigh on an hour and a half. "Well, now we know why they've come here, but what's wrong with Konran? I was surprised to see him behaving so irrationally."_

_Gojyo grinned and downed the rest of his newest glass before lighting up another cigarette and replying, "It's 'cause he's getting rejected—or, actually, she just can't tell, and he doesn't know how to make her notice."_

"_Notice what?" Hakkai blinked and turned to the taciturn Chaos god. "Konran, what's wrong?"_

_The god merely made a disconcerting sound halfway between "abject misery" and "drowning baby" on the Scale of Incoherent Noises._

"_Ah, such is love," Gojyo sighed in amusement. Though he pitied the god, he did feel that this torment was a bit of karmic payback for being a bad boy in the past._

"_Ahh…" Hakkai murmured with a small chuckle of realization. "That explains everything else."_

"_**She's so dense!**" Chaos cried suddenly, jerking upright and pounding his fist against the countertop before slumping forward once more to drown his troubles. "Why?! Why have I been forsaken? Mother, I demand answers!"_

"_Ooh, a mommy complex, eh?" commented the water sprite with an air of total objectivity. He wasn't worried, seeing as how he was sure it would all work itself out in the end, so he took the opportunity to observe and try to understand how the god's mind operated. Gods were kooky. He couldn't help his curiosity._

_Hakkai gave him a disapproving frown. "Gojyo, it's not nice to be so cruel to someone in such pain," he chided._

"_Bah. This is entertaining," the Merciful Goddess interrupted. Konran sat next to her, still rambling like a chronic wino, while Gojyo had the other front-row seat to the Chaos god's pain and Hakkai murmured gentle admonitions and sipped beer beside him._

"_Won't it interfere, though?" the cockroach inquired of the goddess, raising a brow and dragging on his cigarette. "If he's too busy crying after Lydia, then he won't be able to focus on fixing the problems."_

"_Hm, I suppose." She laughed conspiratorially and pointed a finely manicured finger at him, "Then it looks like you have another task as well. Fix him and he'll fix our world."_

_He grinned, totally willing to take on the challenge. "Game on."_

"_Well, then, I should really get back before Jiroshin defies immortality and dies of a heart attack. He's so stuffy sometimes…" She scooted the chair back and made to leave, but as she stood, Chaos jumped up suddenly._

"_No! You have to see Lydia first!" he shouted quickly, wavering a bit and leaning on the counter to keep from tipping over. "She'll never speak to me again if I let you leave without making you see her…and then she'll leave, too, and I'll be alone, and I'll kill myself—why?!"_

"_Shit, man, calm down!" Gojyo yelled over him, grabbing his arm and standing him back up when he began to sink to the floor in despair._

_Unexpectedly, Kannon burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, this is too much! I'm so glad I let you all through! The four hellions were getting a bit too serious, if you ask me."_

"_No one asked you," the cockroach muttered in mild irritation. He wasn't stupid, and he understood that the Merciful Goddess was all about the drama. Immortality must really have been boring for her to go through all this trouble to create a ruckus. "Oy, Kon, get a hold of yourself." He shook the god a little, but Konran would have none of it, and merely stood there, crying silently like a shockingly tall lost child._

_At last, the relationship to Yumoa was verified—the two did indeed share DNA._

"_I guess I can spare a moment to talk to the kitten," Kannon mused, not waiting for their reply and going back upstairs while Gojyo and Hakkai again dragged the god to the desired second-floor destination.

* * *

_

**(Upstairs)**

"No, no, no, you _fool!_" I cried disdainfully when Yumoa again suggested that we play war. "You cheat every time! You get all the aces!"

"I do _not_ cheat," he asserted with a pout. "Goku wants to play, right Goku?"

The monkey knelt on the floor and stared blankly at the crazy girl and the immature god. "Umm…I don't get how you can play war with a deck of cards."

Hmm. "Then the two of us can play while Yumoa watches."

"Noooo! I wanna play, I wanna play! Lydia, you meanie!"

"Oww! Get offa me! Hey! That's my lucky deck you bastard! Gimme that back!"

"Gasp! You said a bad word! Go eat soap!"

"Wha—?! I curse all the time, you little weirdo! And stop verbalizing your reactions! It creeps me out…"

"Hey, guys, someone's knockin'."

The wrestling match froze and I looked up from my pinned position on the floor while Yumoa held the full nelson he'd put me in and called cheerfully, "It's unlocked! Come on in!"

The door opened.

"Hiya Kannon!" Yumoa laughed happily.

I gasped and instantly writhed my way out of Yumoa's grip like a snake with no head, jumping at the person who had entered. "Kannon! Holy crap! Where have you been?"

She chuckled and stepped aside for the ones behind her to come in. "Oh, I've been pretty busy trying to hold this place together while I waited for the dimensional planes to realign so that I could ask you to come back. I would have said hello sooner, but you were sleeping."

I grimaced. "Yeah. The ass-hat locked me in my room and I fell asleep waiting for him to let me out."

"Well, at least you received my gifts. You should be more careful this time and take them with you whenever you leave. And speaking of Konran, I think he's in bad shape at the moment." She glanced behind her and smirked.

"Huh? What's up with Kon?" I followed her gaze and my jaw dropped when I saw Hakkai and Gojyo dragging him in through the doorway. "Kon?!"

"He had a bit too much to drink," Hakkai offered as explanation after they set him on the second bed.

The god groaned.

"You gave him alcohol?!" I cried in horror.

They all turned to me in curiosity—though Yumoa was in a corner of the room with Goku, playing war with his hands as individual opponents to show the dynamics of the game.

"Why, is that bad?" Hakkai asked, clearly the only one who felt that my reaction suggested something terrible.

I sighed. "Kon can't hold his liquor worth crap. He's pretty much the only god who can't, which makes sense since he's Chaos…but it's still so weird."

"Weird how?" pressed Gojyo.

"Well…he basically turns into his own opposite, and I have to be nice to him no matter what. Observe."

They did so earnestly as I went over to the bed and frowned down at the god, before rolling him over onto his back and poking his albino-esque cheek. "Hey, Kon, are you awake?" I asked, sitting down.

"Mmmm?" He frowned, then opened his dazzling eyes and tried hard to focus on my face. "Lydia?"

I nodded. "Have you been drinking again? I thought I told you to stop doing that."

"Oh…" He frowned harder for several moments, then his eyes widened and focused on me at last. "Oh! I'm sorry, Lydia! I promise not to do it again!"

As expected, he dissolved to black confetti, swirled around me once, then reformed in fetal position with his head crying in my lap.

"Thus is his behavior," I sighed, combing my fingers through his hair to make him feel better. "He turns in to Yumoa, his opposite—oversensitive and immature."

Even Kannon looked utterly floored.

"Um, and you willingly baby him?" Gojyo asked after a long pause.

I shrugged and scratched Kon behind the ear—like a puppy, it made him happy. "I almost have no choice, and I sort of do it out of guilt. The first time I ever saw him smashed, I yelled at him and kicked his ass, and he just _would not_ stop crying and begging for forgiveness, and ever since, this is how he reacts. It was like I'd shattered all his pride. I suppose his pride is one thing I don't want to hurt, and besides, he's useless when he's like this. He just mopes for days on end until I show him some sort of kindness."

Finally emerging from her shock, Kannon muttered in awe, "Well, well. I'd never thought I'd say this, but your Konran isn't just handsome, he's adorable."

"Eh?" I frowned at her. "What are you talking about? He's not mine. Hell, he's not anybody's. The guy's gotta be celibate or gay or something, 'cause he never has any girls around. And the adorable bit is an overstatement. He's just got a bunch of irritating baby animal qualities when he's drunk. At least he behaves himself. Otherwise I'd build a doghouse and keep him in the yard."

"Huh. This is going to be more fun than I could have imagined," she chuckled. "Anyway, I really _should_ get going. I can't drop my goddess duties no matter how badly I want to get away from those stuffy old statues."

"Are you visiting again?" I asked quickly, sad to see her go. Kannon was my kind of deity. Far more respectable than the whack-jobs who surrounded me.

She winked. "I'll see what I can do." And in a brilliant burst of light, she disappeared.

My ears popped, and I looked around, sensing that something had changed. "I guess she shifted us back into this realm."

"Ugh, I just got an instant hangover," the water sprite muttered, covering his eyes and sitting abruptly in a nearby armchair. "Hey, Hakkai, can you think of anywhere these guys can stay?"

"Yeah, Kon's already asleep," I sighed, smiling a little when the inebriated god murmured something obscure and hugged around my waist like a pillow. He had a lot of the same sleeping habits as I did—probably because we were attached through his powers. I had to admit that he made an excellent puppy.

Hakkai considered it. "Well, I could go get a futon from mine and Sanzo's room. I know there's one in the closet. There are a couple of blankets as well." He located the closet in the room we were in and rummaged around, removing a futon and a heavy wool blanket. "And there's one here. I'd go ask for another from the management, but I think it's a little too late to go bothering them..."

I waved his worries aside. "Fear not. I'm used to sharing with Kon. Besides, he'll have nightmares if I'm not there for him while he's like this. Damn the schizophrenic creep. I can get him sort of back to normal, but he needs about ten hours of constant attention to return completely to normal."

"I'll go get the other one then," he replied with a kind smile.

"Huh…used to it?" Gojyo was giving me that peculiar look again, as though he were hiding something I didn't really want to know, but was too curious not to demand an answer.

"Well, I am. Two years of routine are hard to break. They're a pain in the butt, but I don't know what I would do if these two ever went away. If fortune favors me, I'll die before that ever happens."

"Ah, don't worry, Lyds," Yumoa giggled while he taught the overzealous monkey how to play war. "Kon would kill himself before leaving, and I like it better with you. Tartarus is so gloomy. The only fun is stealing Hades' bident and using it as a wicket in croquet."

"What's a bident?" Goku asked after setting a jack on the floor.

"It's a two-pronged pitchfork," I answered, glancing to the door when I heard the knob squeak. "Found it?"

Hakkai entered with a bundle in his arms and set it on the floor. "This should be enough for two," he replied with an easy smile. "There's a bathroom down the hall where you can change and take a shower if you want to. Third door down on the right. Though, I wonder what you plan to do about Konran."

"Him? He'll get up when I tell him to." I patted Kon on the head and smiled. "He's an obedient puppy."

"In that case, I'm going to turn in now. A lot has happened, and some sleep sounds like a good idea. Good night everyone." He smiled warmly and waved as he left.

"'Night, Hakkai," Gojyo sighed past his headache.

I prodded Konran's shoulder. "Hey, Kon, get up and put on your pajamas if you're going to fall asleep. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

He muttered something, then lifted his head and looked up at me groggily.

I frowned. "What?"

"I'm dizzy," he repeated, blinking and sitting up to rub his face and comb his hair back. "What happened?"

"You were drinking again. Now where did you put my medication and clothes?"

"Er…that bag over there." He pointed to one of the backpacks and once I had gathered all my things, he coerced his cousin into finding their own things.

"I'll be back in a few," I said to Gojyo. He nodded and forced himself up to get ready as well while I was gone.

* * *

When I got back, the futons and everything had already been laid out, and Konran was drinking some water to dampen his alcohol-induced semi-stupor. He was functioning again, but he'd probably be sluggish until morning. At least he didn't get hangovers. 

Gojyo and Goku and Yumoa had already passed out—again, Comedy wore his ducky pajamas, and I wondered what Gojyo had said about that.

"How's your head?" I asked Chaos, putting my toothbrush and other paraphernalia back into the bag before scooting under the blankets beside him.

"Ugh…I don't know what the hell is wrong with me," he sighed, lying back and covering his eyes with his arm. "Is it warm enough for you?"

I chuckled, "You're like a freaking space heater. I'll probably end up on the nice, cool bare floor later, Pyro."

"Sorry…about everything."

"Oh, shut up and go to sleep. I'm used to your bizarre little quirks—if I weren't, I'd have kicked you our long ago. The alcohol has to stop, however. You act like Yumoa and get all huggy, and it drives me up the proverbial wall."

He dropped his arm and gave me a strange frown. "And you don't kill me?"

"Why would I? I don't want you dead—just less irritating."

"I see…good night, Lydia," he murmured thoughtfully.

I raised a curious eyebrow, but said nothing. Something was definitely up…but that could wait 'til morning. I didn't want to be sleep-deprived for the days ahead if they involved saving the world yet again.

_What a sad, fragile world we all live in_, my mind muttered, before shutting down and dragging me into the depths of sub-consciousness.

* * *

**_(Author's Notes)_**

_(1) "Sato", the name of the dude, is Japanese for "sugar"…I was playing with my dictionary and thought it was cute. I was strongly influenced by "Yakitate Japan". No, this isn't a tangent. It's a "Meanwhile…", as conceived by the great Jhonen Vasquez. **EoS** knows what I'm talking about…But this "Meanwhile…" does actually serve a vague, ephemeral purpose. _

_(2) Incidentally, this dude's** regular** bread was the greatest thing **before** sliced bread…and once he started slicing his, he immediately ascended to a higher plane of existence and was never seen again._

_(3) I researched this. Lydia shouldn't have been able to get one, but apparently she has some badass connections…_

_Out of sheer curiosity, would anyone like to see Konran play Twister? With LYDIA? (evil laugh) Please let me know! My brain has taken up permanent residence in the gutter. Ah, and that whole gunfight scene was the result of me reading too much Gravitation and becoming obsessed with K-san. (BTW, didja know that "caisson", pronounced the same as "K-san", is the Brit term for an ammunition chest? Fitting, isn't it? _

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	4. Plot: The Most Lethal Device

**The Sequel: Chapter IV

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I like Hwan. I think she only acts the way she does because Ni's always in the picture. Ergo, I removed Ni from the picture. I like him, but I wanted to give Hwan a chance; so I offer my deepest apologies to the Ni fans out there, but he's probably not coming back in this fic. Besides, since I'm following the manga timeframe, it would be impossible regardless of whether or not I wanted him in here anyway._

_Oh, and I didn't take the upcoming name from Loveless. I was just looking up the Japanese word for "life" and this was incidentally the result. If you recognize it, I apologize. If you do not, pretend I never said a word._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power."—Ashleigh Brilliant_

"_Nothing says 'I love you' like violating a restraining order."—BumperSticker_

"_I'm never too busy to enjoy someone else's misery."—BumperSticker (as well as my own personal belief)_

"_I can resist everything except temptation."—Oscar Wilde_

* * *

**_Plot: The Most Lethal Device_**

**_(Houtou Castle—Morning)_**

_Dr. Hwan was at her computer, recording the data from her most recent checkup on the first subject, when Kougaiji arrived._

"_What is it that I have to do?" he sighed reluctantly. He was so sick of being treated like the harlot's lap dog, and could hardly await the day when he'd finally be free from all this abuse. However, until that time came, he was stuck doing menial tasks._

_The Doctor looked up and her lenses glinted sharply. "You're late."_

_He bit back what he **really** wanted to say and replied, "I apologize. Lirin was being difficult, and I had to assist Yaone in getting her to her morning lessons."_

"_Oh, well I suppose that can't be helped. I was busy until a moment ago anyway." She stood and motioned him over to a heavy steel door at the opposite end of the room. "This way. You should become acquainted with number four before anything else is done."_

"_Number four?" He frowned past her as she opened the heavy door and then stared in astonishment when he saw what—or, rather, **who**—was waiting inside, seated on a cushioned platform and intently studying the patterns of LED lights flickering across the nearest control panel. "Isn't that…?"_

"_No. This one is much more tolerable," the Doctor muttered irritably, "though it did take four replications to get the results I wanted. He will answer to the name of Seimei. The other two are still in incubation, so I cannot allow you to see them yet, but the wait won't be much longer now."_

_Kougaiji took a moment to absorb what was going on, then finally snapped out of it and demanded, "What exactly do you have planned? This is…this is wrong!" Finally, the recent reports of supernatural phenomena in Shangri-La were making sense. The combination of magic and science necessary to create an entire new being, **this** being, no less, was probably three times what it would take to revive Gyumaoh, but didn't require the scriptures. This made the minus wave seem infantile in comparison._

_Hwan smiled a tad sharply, but not without a touch of melancholy. "Lady Koushu wants as much power on our side as we can manage, seeing as how you have failed so many times to complete the one simple task you were given from the very beginning. This is my answer to our problems."_

_He disregarded the implied insult. "Maybe so, but didn't you pick the wrong one?"_

"_As I've said, there are two more, and all have had personality modifications to keep them under control."_

_This whole concept bothered him, but he set aside his misgivings for the sake of getting it all over with. "Fine, then introduce us."_

_The doctor sighed resignedly and turned to the still figure. "Seimei, there's someone you should meet. I have a mission for you._

"_Hmm?" He looked up and trained large, tapered cyan eyes on the two of them. "Who's that?"_

"_This is Lord Kougaiji. He is in charge of you once you leave the castle," Hwan replied in a tone which said clearly that he wasn't allowed to argue._

_He considered the Prince momentarily, then decided to abandon his perch and hopped to the ground. He was rather thin and tall, draped in a long black silk robe tied tight around his waist. His shaggy auburn hair was in disarray, sticking up all over as though he'd been sleeping until recently. "Prince Kougaiji, eh? So you're the one who's gonna show me the outside world?"_

_Despite his uneasiness with the whole matter, Kou nodded and muttered, "It looks like it."_

"_Well, then, pleased to meetcha." He held out a hand to shake, and the prince reluctantly reciprocated._

_Kougaiji was beginning to feel like he should have just refused this task outright and taken his thirty lashings like a man.

* * *

_

_**(Elsewhere in Houtou Castle)**_

"_Man! This is annoying!" Lirin whined quietly to herself as she crawled through the ventilation shaft above the labs. Yaone was still out there somewhere, searching for her charge, but the Princess would have none of it. Her curiosity toward what was going on back here was too strong to ignore, and it was even more important to find out now that Kougaiji was apparently involved._

_Still, she couldn't help the irritating nagging of her stomach. She **knew** she should have asked for seconds!_

_Echoing voices coming from the ventilation grate up ahead took her mind off her hunger, however, and she slid silently along, stopping only when she was directly over the scene._

_There was someone familiar, yet not familiar there, and she tried to think of who he reminded her of, but her brain wouldn't stop slipping back to the subject of food. It was like trying to run up an ice-coated slope._

'_Grr! Fine, I'll think about it **after** I eat!' she mentally resolved in the end, inching her way back and grumbling the whole way.

* * *

_

**(After the Blizzard)**

Waking up is always an adventure. This time, I'd completely forgotten that I had been kidnapped by my roommate and ended up searching in vain for a clock that wasn't there in a totally unfamiliar room for about ten minutes before I realized what the hell was going on. Dammit, I needed food, and quickly.

The sun was just starting to come up, casting enough pale light to illuminate the room in a dim glow. I could see Goku sprawled across his bed as though he contorted in his sleep, snoring loudly enough to wake the dead and undead alike—a possibility which didn't bode well with me. Yumoa was curled in a ball on the next futon over, sucking his thumb like the five-year-old man he was. Gojyo was sleeping like a normal person, thank sanity.

Konran was…

I looked down and realized for the first time that there was a pair of strong, slender pale arms clinging tightly to my waist. I was so used to it that I never even noticed anymore. Damn, I was going soft.

"Oh, for the love of…this is ridiculous." I sighed and dropped my head back onto my feather pillow. He was so absurd after getting drunk. He was like a small child climbing into his parents' bed after a nightmare.

Only he was a full-grown…god-type thing.

As much as I wanted to stab his hands away, I didn't have Ryushi with me—the one thing they'd neglected to bring. It was just damn lucky that I carried my other weapons on me at all times.

Goku shouted something utterly random about potstickers and yakisoba, and as though it were programmed into his very soul, Gojyo muttered a halfhearted, half-unconscious "shut the hell up, monkey!"

At least they seemed happy. I still wanted to know what time it was, as well as whether or not there was any food downstairs, so I did some contortion of my own and turned around in Konran's grip, then tried to pry him away with both my feet and my hands. No dice. He stuck like glue and slept like a rock, and the fact that his body temperature was several degrees above human didn't help me much. I felt like I was going to suffocate.

"Argh!" I selected a different strategy and scooted lower, trying to slip out of the shackles, rather than break them. I almost made it, too, but at the last moment he opened his eyes a crack and suddenly he gripped my lagging wrists, yanking me back up and appearing above me faster than I could say "Oww! My **_spine!_**"

"And where do you think _you_ are going?" he inquired groggily, stifling a yawn with his shoulder. He'd pinned my wrists to the futon at either side of my head, so I couldn't hit him, and like the seasoned animal-tamer he was, he'd restrained my legs as well.

I glared at him, silently cursing the fact that, physically, he was at least ten times stronger than I. "Good, you're sober. Get off me."

"How quaint. Early morning insults. And what if I don't intend on letting you leave? It's too early to get up."

"Maybe to you, but I'd like to go feed myself before I die, thank you very much," I retorted tightly.

He frowned, then sighed. "Stay here. I'll get you something from the diner."

"But…!" He smothered my argument with my own arm.

"No buts," he replied, giving me a stern, uncompromising look that made his eyes glint like precious stones. "It's the least I can do after all the idiocy of yesterday. You just stay here and rest."

"I can get it myself…" I muttered, squinting at him as he released me and stood up while combing his fingers through the bed-head. (It comforted me deep down to know that gods could get bed-head.)

"Nope. I'm treating you. Do you want me to make some of that mocha you love so much?"

_YES!_ my brain screamed before the thought could register in my speech center.

He gave me a peculiar look and put on a pair of complimentary slippers. "Your brain certainly is enthusiastic in the morning," he commented with a wry smile.

I sat up and hugged my knees. "Shut up. Yeah, some of that mocha sounds great. I can feel a headache coming on."

"What would you like to eat?" He paused at the door.

I shrugged. "Surprise me." Then I considered a moment and added, "Thanks, Kon."

He smiled and chuckled softly. "Anything for you, Lydia." And with that he left.

_Sometimes_ I didn't mind it so much to have him around, I had to admit.

"Mmmmnnnnggghhh," groaned the cockroach, deciding that it was his turn to wake up. He rolled over and blinked at me. "Lydia…?"

"'Mornin'," I greeted.

He sat up and looked around—and did a double-take when he saw Yumoa sucking his thumb. "Damn, he's weird." After a yawn, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and inquired, "Where'd Konran go?" It bugged me that he didn't have bed-head like Kon and I.

"He's getting me food and mocha. Yeah, he's back to normal—well, as normal as a demented god can be—and apparently intent on making it up to me for the whole kidnapping and getting drunk thing. I like it when he's behaving."

"Huh? You get room service? That's just not right," he muttered in mock outrage. "What about the rest of us?"

I laughed. "Goku's food alone would require a winch, and Yumoa's taken a shining to exorbitant quantities of Trix and chocolate milk for breakfast. Those two are better off going to the diner with the others. Besides, they don't have any pain-in-my-ass medical conditions to take care of."

"Good point. What are Trix?"

"A sugar-loaded brand of cereal." Whole wheat my ass. That crap was like pure adrenaline to Yumoa's biological system. So much so that I'd banned the psycho from any and all caffeinated comestibles.

"Ah." He dug a cigarette out of his coat hanging on the bedpost and lit up. "I could go for some coffee. Maybe I'll go see what Kon's up to."

"You do that."

He got up, put on another pair of courtesy slippers, and headed out as well.

"Damn, I want my mocha," I muttered, grabbing my pillow and hugging it tightly to fend off the impending dizziness. At least I knew that I could trust Konran to look out for me. On my own, I would have forgotten not just food, but my medication as well.

Seeing as how it was unoccupied, I decided to usurp Gojyo's bed and take advantage of the joys of mattress. I could wait here until Kon came back, and perhaps have an engaging argument with the water sprite when he demanded that I return his furniture.

* * *

_**(Downstairs)**_

"_Damn, I just don't understand how she can do all that so easily," Konran sighed as he emptied the pan onto the plate. The task was simple enough—food wasn't the problem. However, shifting a specific locus such as a kitchen out of its natural plane was a drain on his powers._

"_Hey, what're you doing in here?"_

_He nearly dropped the hot pan, but caught himself quickly and spun to confront the intruder. "Gojyo? How did you get in?!"_

_The kappa blinked, then made an appropriate face. "All of you are weird in the morning. I **walked** in, dumbass."_

"_Impossible. I sealed this area away as a shifted plane! Argh, I must be losing my touch!"_

"_Geeze, chill out. It's too early to have a nervous breakdown." He dipped the end of his cigarette into a glass of stale water and tossed it in the trash. "So you really are cooking, huh? You any good at it?"_

_Chaos shrugged and turned back to the preparations, cracking a pair of eggs in each hand and setting them in the hot pan. "Back in our realm, Lydia rarely cooked. It was usually either Yumoa or I doing that, mostly because she was so busy working to pay the bills and rent."_

_Gojyo gave a low, impressed whistle. "She sure is lucky to have you. Pity she's so dense. She has to be the only girl I've ever met with no interest at all in sexy men like us."_

_Konran chuckled and sprinkled some salt on the frying eggs. "Watch your tongue. You and I are in completely different leagues—reincarnation notwithstanding."_

"_Reincarnation?"_

"_Ah, nothing at all." He smirked despite himself and added some ground pepper before flipping the eggs to fry the other side. "As I was saying, you're a good guy, and I'm…learning, I suppose. I'll be lucky if I don't die of old age before I catch her." A spacey look glazed over his eyes, and like a machine on autopilot, he finished the eggs and slid them onto the plate as well._

"_Er, I'd be more worried about **her** dying of old age…" the kappa muttered, yet again realizing how difficult this was going to be. "Oy, pay attention!"_

_Konran flinched and awoke from his land of nothingness. "Oh, sorry…that alcohol really shattered a lot of my usual walls. It'll improve soon, I can assure you."_

"_Too bad. Seems to me she's more willing to be around you only when you really need her."_

_He flinched again and gripped the spatula like a knife, rounding on the water sprite in a flash and pointing the utensil at his face. "I **always** need her, dammit! I need her more than plants need sunlight! She's just too stubborn in her status quo to take any notice! That, or she really **is** as immature as she behaves. Ye Zeus, if it turns out that she's on par with Yumoa, I'll…I'll…I have no idea what I'll do. I'll wait, probably." He lowered the spatula and hung his head in depression. "I'm so disgusted with myself."_

_This brought a grin to the water sprite's face, for some obscure reason. "That just means you're in love."_

_Konran shot him a dirty look. "Don't mock me, don't state the blatantly obvious, and don't forget that you're talking to a two-thousand-year-old Chaos god. I've been around the block so many times you'd get dizzy. The only difference now is that I've finally developed an uncontrollable urge to do anything just to be with her. Hell, I'd indenture myself to her in a heartbeat!"_

"_That's kind of sad, you know…ever consider therapy?" Sure, the god was suffering the worst pain imaginable, but something about it made it impossible for Gojyo to resist teasing the poor guy. Quite likely, it was the hilarious irony of the fact that, of all the billions of women Konran could have chosen, he'd picked the most socially defunct, violent, deviant girl imaginable. Yes. That was it. His grin broadened for no discernible reason—at least to Kon—and the god's eyes narrowed._

"_Why are you grinning like that?" he demanded suspiciously while pouring a glass of persimmon juice for himself before he made the mocha._

_Gojyo shook his head and chuckled, fishing through his pocket for a hair tie and pulling his straight locks back into a ponytail. "Nothing, really. It's just really strange. I mean, just three weeks ago—for us, at least—you were the enemy. You were supposed to be some evil son of a bitch with no regard for mortal lives. But now you're just like any poor sap trying to get a girl to notice him. I just think it's funny."_

"_If I weren't so busy, I'd kick your ass into the next dimension over," groused Chaos. He took a bowl mug out of a cupboard and filled it halfway with hot coffee, then added some cinnamon, nutmeg, and brown sugar before filling it the rest of the way with chocolate milk._

"_Hey, seriously, I'll help you as much as I can," amended the kappa with a (sort of) apologetic smile._

_The god took a swig of juice and frowned hard at him, before sighing and setting the glass down. "Whatever. Just don't make things worse than they are."_

"_What the **hell** is taking so long?!"_

_The two of them gave a near-violent start and jerked around to see who was yelling, nearly knocking each other over in the process. Finally, they managed, and looked down to see Lydia in the doorway, glaring in what appeared to be rage._

"_Long?" Konran repeated in confusion first. "It's been ten minutes!"_

"_No, it's been an HOUR. What the hell? I'm about to…whoa boy…" All the yelling had taken its toll, and to the men's surprise, she keeled over on the spot._

"_Crap!" Gojyo exclaimed appropriately._

_Konran said nothing, instead vanishing and reappearing at her side in a burst of black dust in a manner not unlike Nightcrawler from X-Men (1). He caught her before her head hit the tile floor, and let out a breath of relief._

"_What's wrong with her?" The redhead kept his distance, figuring that Konran knew what he was doing if it involved Lydia and her weird medical condition._

"_I'm not quite sure," he muttered, lifting her eyelids and checking her pupils. "I think she might be developing hypoglycemia…which is just ridiculous since she has diabetes, but it's been happening more and more frequently. We need to wake her up."_

_Gojyo searched around for a moment, noticed the frosted window over the sink, and smirked. "I've got the perfect idea."_

_Konran followed his gaze. "Are you insane or just stupid?"_

"_Trust me. It gets the chimp up every time." He unlatched the sill and lifted the stubborn pane in staggered increments, just enough to reach under and obtain a handful of snow._

"_Perhaps, but the 'chimp' doesn't retaliate like a surprised cobra now, does he?"_

"_Just do it. If she's right and it's been an hour, then the rest of them are probably up, too." He held the slush out to the god and nodded solemnly. "Do it before she goes into a coma or something."_

_The thought of Lydia falling into a coma scared the hell out of Chaos, so without another word of argument, he took the snow, propped Lydia up, and dropped the freezing mixture down her back, beneath her nightshirt._

_It really was like a surprised cobra. It happened so quickly that only three seconds later Konran was on the floor in a pool of his own blood, Gojyo was struggling to hide himself in the cupboard under the sink, and Lydia had managed to perch atop the pantry with a bread knife in one hand and a bloodstained rolling pin in the other._

_Fortunately, Sanzo, Hakkai, and Goku selected that moment to enter the kitchen to see what all the noise was about. (Yumoa was still sleeping, and dreaming of bunnies.)_

"_What the fuck is going on in here?" demanded the irate monk. It was immediately apparent to all those present—other than Konran, who was unconscious at the time—that Sanzo was still a little irked at the universe in general for screwing him over and sending his worst nightmares back to torment him further. And now this? It was everyone's good fortune that in his hurry to go and shoot the one responsible for waking him up, he had forgotten his gun under his pillow. He wanted a cigarette so bad at that moment that he could have strangled a small child for one. At least, that was what he told himself._

"_She's gone crazy again!" shouted Gojyo, whose only remaining vulnerable limb was his leg, which he now cursed for being so damn long._

_Hakuryu immediately vacated the room, proving that he indeed was the most intelligent member of the ikkou._

_Hakkai let his little friend go to where it was safe, and once certain that the dragon would be fine, he slowly approached the girl with his hands raised harmlessly before him. "Lydia, you've snapped again. Are you okay?"_

_But to their surprise (yes, even Sanzo's), she afforded them an incredulous look and grouched, "Who said I had snapped? I have total control over all my faculties."_

_Slowly, Gojyo peered out of the cupboard, and seeing her sane he left it as quickly as he could to retrieve his dignity. "What?! You smashed his head in! He's bleeding from his **ears**!" he accused once he had gotten to his feet. He pointed almost frantically at the comatose god and the expanding pool of crimson liquid._

_Goku stared wide-eyed as the pool crawled slowly toward his bare feet, stepping back a bit when it got too close for comfort. He wondered why no one was trying to help Kon._

_Sanzo noticed Goku's fascination and in a fit of good judgment, he grabbed the boy's collar and yanked him away from the blood before he made a mess. He then turned to the culprit and growled, "Get down here right now, or I swear I will shoot you the moment I get my gun."_

_She pursed her lips thoughtfully, shrugged, and hopped down the six feet without further argument. Noticing the food on the counter, she took the plate and fork and began eating, seemingly ignoring the bleeding god and the three observers._

"_This is bullshit." Sanzo had had enough, turning on his heel and grabbing a cup of coffee as he left to go shower and change—and smoke._

_For the first time in a long time, Hakkai wasn't sure whether or not he should assist the injured, and looked to see Goku torn between following his master and staying for the denouement. At length, the placid man decided that an immortal god would be fine with even the most massive of head trauma, and ushered the monkey out before any more corruption occurred._

_Gojyo hesitated a moment, came to the same conclusion as Hakkai, and left as well.

* * *

_

_**(The Heavens)**_

_Kanzeon Bosatsu gazed into the lotus-scattered viewing pool with an unstoppable grin. This was what she was talking about. This was all the entertainment she ever could have wished for. Occasionally, she succumbed to the urge to giggle._

_So when Jiroshin returned with a guest she was reluctant to leave the humorous imagery, but knew that he would just give her a hard time if she refused to go, and with a sigh she stood to greet the visitor._

_Their guest was an utterly gorgeous, tall, leggy woman with sapphire eyes and meticulously applied makeup on an elegant face framed by long, wavy golden tresses. She wore a draping silver cloth, cinched around her waist with a sash of gold thread to create a short-hemmed dress-like garment, and her sandaled feet were adorned with dozens of silver and gold anklets that jingled every time she took a step. She walked like a runway model. _

_Something about her was inexplicably familiar._

_Kannon put on a smile and swaggered up to the woman, wondering what was so important that it couldn't wait until she was finished viewing. "Good afternoon. As you probably know, I am Kanzeon Bosatsu. What is your business with me today?" She shot a pointed look to Jiroshin and he cleared his throat._

"_Merciful Goddess, this is Venus. She came to inquire about your…project." He looked away, apparently a bit flustered, and with a hasty goodbye he hurried off to do menial work._

_Kannon watched him go with a spark of interest. She had heard this name before, but where?_

_She turned to the guest and shrugged elegantly. "I apologize for his behavior. He doesn't get out much."_

_Venus smirked, and it was infinitely alluring and conniving all at once. "Yeah, tell me about it. I'm so envious of my nephews. They get to **live** in the mortal world, the little bastards."_

_The Merciful Goddess chuckled and motioned over to the shogi board (2) where they could sit and talk. "Please have a seat. What brings you here? And where have I heard of you before?"_

_The blonde's smirk broadened as she took a seat across from Kannon and crossed one leg over the other. "Actually, it's about my nephews. I was wondering how they were doing. I miss their visits."_

_And then it all snapped into place. "Wait, **you're** Venus, the goddess of Love in the next realm over?"_

_She nodded._

_Kannon chuckled in mild surprise and folded her arms across her stomach, sitting back a bit. "Huh. I thought you seemed familiar. We have similar jobs…but you really came all the way over here just to ask about Konran and Yumoa?"_

_To the Merciful Goddess' surprise, Venus laughed a high, tinkling laugh that made her eyes take on a wicked gleam. "Oh, you're as sharp as they said you were. Actually, there was a major time shift recently, and it felt like Chaos' doing. My guess is he tried to create a time bubble, but being what he is, he sucks at it."_

"_The chaos thing, I assume." Kannon was impressed that this goddess had sense a time shift in a realm completely separate from her own._

"_Yeah. Pretty much anything that requires an organized frame of mind is out for him. He's a man of spontaneity. And lately he's been acting so strangely that it's no surprise he botched it up."_

"_Strangely? Oh, you mean the fact that he's hopelessly in love with that mortal girl—his, what was it, worldly equivalent? He's been a complete mess." She didn't dare add that this fact amused the hell out of her, or that she hoped it got worse before it got better. All of it was for entertainment purposes._

_Venus' face fell, and Kannon had a sudden, bizarre, inexplicable urge to cry. She fought it off and marveled at the Love goddess' ability to invoke sympathy from others. "He's in **love**?! Really?!"_

_Was it really so difficult for her to see? It was her **job**. Then again, Konran was such a screwball that sometimes it was hard to tell what was really going on in his head. "Yes, really. He's having a hell of a time, too. Apparently Lydia doesn't understand that he's **not** furniture."_

"_Furniture…I beg your pardon! Doesn't she want him?" It seemed a "no" reply would shatter Venus' every belief about love._

…_But Kannon hated to lie._

"_I don't think she even thinks about that sort of thing. Have you ever seen that girl? She's almost a lost cause. I can see how he could be attracted to her—she resembles him in a lot of ways—but he's certainly chosen a challenge." Just remembering all the humorous incidents made her struggle to keep the grin from her face._

_Venus stood abruptly in a flurry of silver and gold. "Unacceptable! Chaos is my finest accomplishment! He can get any woman he wants!" she exclaimed as though declaring that water was wet. "…And he practically **has**…but that's beside the point!" She hesitated and clenched her fists. "Damn. Maybe I should go back and get one of the apples…(3)"_

"_Calm down, please," the other goddess implored, while still struggling not to start laughing._

_She pouted, then sat back down and grumbled, "Well, then how's my little Comedy? Is he happy?"_

"_Yumoa is fine. I believe he's sleeping right now."_

"_Really? Odd, it feels like he's awake. Maybe I'm just thrown off by of this whole Chaos thing." The blonde goddess looked so depressed now that Kannon sighed and made a proposition._

"_Venus, would you like to go see them? I can take you down if you want." In all honesty, she just wanted to see the looks on everyone's faces. She loved it when they spazzed each time she visited._

_The goddess of Love's head snapped up eagerly. "Oh, please? Could you?"_

_Kannon gave her a wily smirk. "Sure. Follow me. Ah, and I may also have an idea for how to deal with Lydia, which I'm sure you can pull off easily."

* * *

_

**(Kagekoku)**

"Oy, I know you're not dead." I poked Kon again with the bread knife, and still received no response. I'd wolfed down the sustenance in mere minutes, as well as drank a mug of mocha and a glass of persimmon juice to get the sugar and caffeine going, and was now attempting to awaken the comatose god.

There was a large pool of blood around his head, leaking from a cut on his temple and both his ears, but somehow he took all the gruesomeness out of the image. He was just too good-looking to make it look like a horrible murder scene. As morbid as it seemed, he would have made a beautiful corpse.

I prodded him again and got some blood on the knife, and I examined it closely. It smelled sweet, like honeysuckle. Huh, so gods had different blood, too? I could vaguely remember it tasting sweet, too, from when he'd stopped my BLOODLUST from destroying me—or something similarly melodramatic.

"Kon, Kon, Kon, Kon, Kon…wake up, dude. We have to get out of here before the management sees you!"

Finally, he stirred, an opened one brilliant eye to squint at me. "Why does my head hurt?" he groaned.

"I beat you with a rolling pin for that mean trick you pulled with the slush," I responded candidly.

His other eye opened as he remembered, and with effort he pushed himself up to a sitting position, before wavering and collapsing again into my lap, breathing hard. "Dammit, why?"

I shrugged and wiped some of the blood from his cheek with a cold, damp cloth. "Seemed a fitting punishment at the time. Mind you, I'm not known for making rational decisions."

_You got that right_, REASON huffed, clearly displeased with my methods.

Despite it all, he chuckled. "I know that better than anyone. Odd how I've gotten used to it."

"It's a fair trade. You get to sleep in my bed, and I get to beat you down for pissing me off."

He looked up at me, smiling a little dazedly. "Could you at least help me stand?"

"C'mon, then." I pushed him to sit up and held his hand as I stood, pulling him with me and wrapping an arm around his waist so he didn't overbalance.

He sighed and held my shoulder, and swept the bloody hair from his eyes with his other hand. "I need a shower now, thanks a lot."

"Quit whining, pretty-boy. Rest first, or you'll drown in the bathtub, and I ain't comin' in to save you."

He managed a chuckle as we snuck out and skirted past the dining room where patrons were beginning to appear for the fresh tea and coffee at the bar. We hurried up the stairs and reached the door without incident. Mission accomplished. I opened the door for him and he entered first of his own volition—he was a remarkably fast healer—but when I followed there was a loud shriek, and I skidded around the corner just as some blonde about Kon's height threw her arms around him.

"Chaos! My poor baby! What happened?!" she demanded frantically, apparently shocked at all the blood.

Kon seemed frozen, and I frowned. Who was this? And why was she hanging all over him like that? And why did that bother me?

I stepped in and coughed loudly, and she went still and looked up at me in surprise…which instantly turned into what I discerned to be anger. "What did you do to my baby?!"

"B-baby?" I stammered in confusion.

"Hello again, little kitten," greeted another person in the room, whom I hadn't noticed due to the drama of the other two.

"Oh, Kannon. What's up? This chick your friend?" There was an unusual edge to my voice.

She smiled. "Don't worry. This is Venus; Venus, this is Lydia."

My mouth dropped open and I gaped at the blond goddess. "Eh?"

I heard the door click open and turned to see Goku, Gojyo, Hakkai and Hakuryu, and Yumoa all enter.

Goku skipped in, unaware of what was happening, and began, "Hey, Lydia! Let's go outside…huh? Who's that?"

They all stopped to stare at Kon and the goddess, and I shrugged. "Venus," I offered lamely.

But then the room went quiet when Kon finally found himself and tore away from the woman, taking several steps back before gasping, "Auntie?!"

"Auntie?" everyone chorused.

"Auntieeee!" Yumoa cried gleefully, running to the goddess and glomping her like a zealous toddler.

I slowly raised my eyes from the god to the goddess, and squinted. "Auntie," I reiterated.

She smiled bashfully and chuckled. "I'm their aunt. I've raised Chaos since his mother left when he was a baby."

Shocked silence filled the room.

"Holy hell…" Gojyo finally choked out past his astonishment.

"Wow…" Goku murmured.

Hakkai sighed and smiled amiably. "Oh, dear."

Good thing Sanzo was still in the shower—

"Why don't you idiots know how to be quiet?!" Sanzo stomped into the room brandishing his weapon—and froze when he spotted the posse. "Eh?"

…Crap.

* * *

**_(Author's Notes)_**

_(1) Difference is, Kon's cuter. That black dust cloud bit is pretty similar, though._

_(2) Shogi is that game that Kannon and Jiroshin are always playing. It's like the Japanese version of chess._

_(3) Venus (AKA Aphrodite) has an odd affinity for apples. She's like an amalgamation of the Snake and Eve. Her apples make people do strange things, like say she's the prettiest of the goddesses._

_Venus doesn't count as an OC. She's a plot device. Sort of. I just really wanted to throw in a blond version of Kannon. I apologize if this offends you, but I just found the combination hilarious._

_How'd you like the attack on Kon? XD Whee!_

_REVIEWS! PLEASE REVIEW!!! I BEG THEE ON MY HANDS AND KNEES!! I GROVEL BEFORE YE!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	5. Conspiracy: Ghost and Goddesses

**The Sequel: Chapter V

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This is fun! My ideas just get wackier and wackier! You may recognize the girl as Nakahara Sunako-chan from "Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge" (AKA "The Wallflower"). I love her. She is AWESOMENESS INCARNATE. Seriously, she's just as weird as Lydia. (Perhaps weirder)_

_And to Alicia, who inquired about the Greek/Roman naming thing, I've posted an explanation on my profile page. (grin) I got into it, though, so I rambled a bit, but you may find that interesting as well._

_Um, no, I don't have an obsession with apples. In fact, I dislike them, even in pie form. Blueberry all the way!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"When I was your age I had to get up half an hour before I went to bed…and walk to work…uphill…both ways!"—ICP_

"_Arrr… The Laws of Science be a harsh mistress…"—Bender, Futurama_

"_I've lost all capacity for disbelief. I'm not sure I could even rise to a little gentle skepticism."—Guildenstern_

* * *

**_Conspiracy: Ghost and _****_Goddesses_**

Venus, the Greek-slash-Roman goddess of love, was an odd, inexplicably tiring person—to me, at least. She and Kannon seemed remarkably similar in a vague way, but there was something about the former that just bugged me. Perhaps it was her borderline preppy demeanor—Kannon was cool and dignified in contrast—or maybe it was the fact that every time she laughed, I had to do battle with my internal rationality to convince myself that laughing along _wasn't _an obligation.

Either way, it was bizarre and annoying.

Sanzo was even less amused. In fact, he was so not amused that the moment after Venus introduced herself and called him "gorgeous," he turned on his heel and left without a word. It wouldn't have surprised me at all if he'd gone ahead to finish the Gyumaoh mission alone.

Currently, the goddess was the center of attention, while Kannon sat off to the side as though the entire thing were a spectator sport. Gojyo was clearly suppressing his urge to hit on the stunning woman, Hakkai was trying to be a good host, and Goku was busy eating the hors d'oeuvres which Hakkai had set out for us all.

As for the gods, Comedy was on the floor beside Venus' chair and grinning while she patted his head as if he were some sort of domesticated animal. After cleaning up a bit, Konran had seated himself beside me on the couch, hunched at the end and glowering at the rug like a pissed-off panther.

Animals. I was surrounded and inextricably associated with animals. _This_ was the reason why I was a stray. Who the hell was my role model supposed to be, when none of the people closest to me passed for human?!

That aside, it was Konran's reaction to the goddess that worried me the most. I couldn't understand why he would act like this in front of the one who had raised him like a son.

But despite all the banter, no one was asking the important question.

Fine, time to be blunt.

"If all you wanted to do was see Kon and Yumoa, then you could have called them to you without revealing yourself to the rest of us," I interrupted during a brief pause in conversation. My words drew everyone's stares, including that of Chaos, whose eyes kept slipping to glare at his aunt. "But you're here now, so why?"

She smirked with full, coral lips, and chuckled. "Well, I wanted to meet _you_, silly. I'm awestruck that you're living with a pair of the finest gods around, yet still strive toward atheism."

My eye twitched, but Konran sat up suddenly and grabbed my arm. "Lydia, we're going!"

"Huh?" I was too surprised to fight as he yanked me to my feet and began to drag me off.

"Wait, what's wrong?" Goku asked, uncertain as to whether or not he should stop the god from taking me away.

"This is a bad idea!" Kon growled so forcefully that the monkey flinched away.

"Hey, be nice to Goku!" I protested.

"Quiet!"

But when he got to the door, it wouldn't open no matter how hard he tried, and after some struggling he stopped and turned slowly to glare again at his aunt.

"Karma's a bitch, ain't it?" I commented. (1)

"Shut up," he muttered.

"Hmm, not opening, huh?" Venus crooned sweetly. "Chaos, baby, why not be a dear and let me meet your little equivalent?"

"**_Like hell!"_ **the god snapped, pulling me behind him and turning to face the goddess.

Kannon chuckled, "Ooh, this is interesting. Why are you acting like that with your aunt, Konran?"

"Yeah, it's kinda creepy," Gojyo muttered, frowning as though he'd only _just_ realized that yes, Kon was behaving out of sorts. "Shouldn't you be happy to see her?"

I peered around the god and squinted at the Love goddess while Kon held an internal debate over how to reply, then murmured after a thought, "Why do you want to meet me so badly?"

"Because you belong to Chaos, of course."

"Belong?" inquired Hakkai, setting a tray of green tea on the low table and seating himself between Goku and Gojyo. "That seems a bit drastic."

"I don't belong to anybody!" I informed her, irritated at the concept of being regarded as property. Far as I could tell, I was made of flesh and bone, not wires or upholstery. Did I _look _like a sofa?!

She grinned. "Come here, sweetie. Let me at least get a good look at you and make sure my Chaos has been a good boy."

What the hell was that supposed to mean? …Whatever. I didn't move from my spot. "Uh, he's a pain in the ass about seventy percent of the time. You should have taught him proper manners concerning the treatment of young girls."

"What?!" Kon acted as though I'd betrayed him.

"Shut up," I replied tiredly. He glared, but I couldn't possibly have cared less. He was getting weird, so _now _was the time to move. "Move aside, ass-hat."

"Huh?! Lydia, no!" He tried to stop me, but I elbowed him in the ribs and slipped ahead out of his reach, only stopping once I was standing before the resplendent goddess. I shoved my hands in my jeans' pockets and cleared my throat.

"Here I am, mortal as…as…er, a mortal, I suppose. Er…yeah, unlike you, I can die."

"We know," Kannon informed me, stifling a laugh.

Venus' smirk turned into a smile. "My, you are energetic. And such lovely hair! Come let Auntie Venus touch it."

"No, _no_, **_NO!_**" Kon shouted, appearing behind me and grabbing my arms so I couldn't move forward. "Please just listen to me, Lydia! Don't go near her!"

"Why not?! She raised you, ass-hat!" I struggled, but he held firm.

Kannon spoke up, "Konran, don't be such a stick in the mud. It's just hair." Was that a mocking tone lacing her words ever so discreetly? A part of me realized that she just liked to get him all worked up. Huh.

"Yeah," Gojyo piped up, catching interest. "When you have nice hair, like mine or Lydia's, it's rude to keep it from the ladies."

Goku coughed on air and gave him the most baffled look I had ever seen on his cute little face. "What th' hell is _that_ supposed ta mean? Lydia's a _girl_, dumb ass. An' her hair's nicer than yours, anyway."

"What was that?!"

"I'm just bein' honest," the monkey replied matter-of-factly. "'Sides, you have antennas, cockroach. Nobody likes bugs."

Before Gojyo could chuck his ashtray at the monkey, Hakkai shot them both sharp frowns and they suddenly found the ceiling positively _fascinating_. Once certain that those two were finished squabbling, monocle turned to Konran and said in a pacifying tone, "Konran, I'm sure letting Venus get to know Lydia would be completely harmless. And that aside, shouldn't it be Lydia's decision as to whether or not she talks to your aunt?"

Comedy piped in, "C'mon, Kon! Auntie came all the way over here to meet her! Please don't make Auntie sad."

Venus laughed and ruffled Yumoa's hair. "Ooh, as adorable as ever!"

He giggled bashfully, "Aw, nuh-uh!"

She turned to me and Kon then and smiled brightly. "Well? I promise not to hurt her or do anything indecent."

I looked over my shoulder at the god. He seemed ready to explode, but I couldn't figure out why. Venus wasn't my cup of tea, but I saw no reason why she would warrant such an outrageous reaction from my roommate. Bad blood, I determined in the end.

"I'll be downstairs," he muttered suddenly, so quietly that I almost hadn't caught it. A moment later and he was little more than particles of black dust slipping out from under the door.

"Oh, and he's really messed up in the head," I added when I returned to the little tête-à-tête.

She waved it away nonchalantly. "Don't mind him. He's always doing that when he feels threatened."

"Perhaps, but why would he find you so threatening?" Kannon mused aloud. Her smile suggested that she knew more than she was letting on, but I didn't say anything.

The Love goddess shrugged and pulled a bright, shiny golden apple out of the ether, as though the air itself were held up by the branches of some invisible apple tree. "I haven't the slightest. Lydia, would you like an apple?" She offered me the large, crisp fruit and I frowned, hesitating only a moment before being overcome with the nausea I usually felt when my sugar was in a bad spot.

"Thanks." I took the apple and chewed idly, enjoying the sweetness while Hakkai engaged in a discussion over how the gods of my realm differed from the gods of this realm.

During the conversation, the goddess pulled half a dozen dark red apples out of the air and passed them around, until everyone had one. They were the tastiest apples I'd ever seen.

"Huh, a gift from the goddess of Love," mused Gojyo, wearing an unsettlingly suggestive smile. "Should I feel blessed?"

"Ooh, you're **hot**. Try anything and I'll tell my husband, the god Hephaestus," Venus informed him flat-out. He winced and returned to pretending that the ceiling was the most captivating thing in existence.

When I finished my apple, I felt a little drowsy, so I filched my pillow from the bed and curled around it, listening idly while Venus coaxed everyone into giving her the four-one-one on everything that had been happening lately, and Kannon informed us of a series of kidnappings that had occurred since the Sanzo party's arrival. Her tone implied that it was their fault.

"We'll tell Sanzo as he gets back," Hakkai promised with a sheepish laugh.

Well, at least I had successfully fulfilled my role as bad luck charm in this dimension.

* * *

_**(Downstairs)**_

"_Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, bad idea…" Konran took a seat at the bar and found himself two stools down from the ill-tempered monk. "Oh, Sanzo…so this is where you went?"_

"_Shut up," he growled in reply, downing shot of sake and motioning to the bartender for another. A half-finished cigarette resting in the ashtray cast an evanescent screen between them._

_Kon frowned, then muttered stubbornly, "Ass."_

_**Ka-Click.** "Care to repeat that?"_

_Kon saw the banishing gun's muzzle out the corner of his eye and chuckled darkly. "Please, be my guest. Death **must** be better than the nonsense of this life," he sighed. "Shoot me several times now—I'm rather resilient," he added, mock-cheerfully, as an afterthought._

_The gun went away, and the monk downed the latest shot placed before him. He grimaced briefly, then turned to sneer at the god. "What, so you ran away? Chicken shit."_

"_Insults have no meaning. Being overlooked is the worst fate imaginable."_

_The bartender walked up to ask for Kon's order, and the god decided, after realizing that Lydia would kill him if he had any alcohol, to order a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Satisfied, the bartender went off to prepare it, and Kon returned to being depressed. It was, naturally, a depressing sight—and a contagious one at that._

_Sanzo watched in mild annoyance, then growled finally, "Could you go act like that somewhere else?"_

"_No."_

_The monk frowned harder, and on impulse grabbed a bottle of rum near at hand and set it in front of the god. "I don't give a shit what the Stray thinks about you drinking. Drink that and stop ruining **my** day just because you've been getting rejected. It's pathetic that she has you whipped already, and she doesn't even know what the hell is going on!" Idiots were invading his world like the Black Plague, cutting down all those in his path and turning them into brainless sods._

_Like hell he would allow that fate to catch him!_

_Kon's eyes slid to the golden liquid in the bottle, then obdurately returned to the counter before him. "No. She'll kill me."_

_Sanzo wanted to shoot him—desperately—but after that whole gun battle thing with the Stray last night, the group's mother-figure had forbidden all indoor gunfire on pain of disembowelment. When Hakkai made threats like that, he meant it. _

_While the monk contemplated on the best way to force the irritating god to switch to a less irritating mood, the bartender returned with the daiquiri and set it in front of the annoyance in question, then resumed serving the other customers. Watching the drink, inspiration found him, and before Kon could touch it, Sanzo grabbed the rum and poured about four fingers of the potent alcohol into the daiquiri._

"_What the hell!" Konran yelped, too late to stop the monk._

"_Drink or death," Sanzo growled. "And if you prefer death, don't think I'll make it quick."_

"_This is coercion!"_

_The priest merely shrugged and picked up the cigarette, taking a drag and blowing it Kon's way._

_Chaos glowered at him. He returned the look with a cold stare. The seconds dragged on, then finally Kon cracked under the weight of those icy amethysts and turned away, picking up the daiquiri and mixing it together before sipping discontentedly. "Bastard. If I get too drunk, I'm coming after you when I'm sober."_

"_I'll be ready," Sanzo replied with half-smirk that was just this side of evil._

_However, Konran didn't have nearly enough time to consume the quantity of alcohol necessary to incite intoxication, because only moments later a gaggle of screaming mortals exploded into the diner, shouting something unintelligible about ghosts…or perhaps goats. It was, after all, unintelligible._

_Like the battle-hardened monk he was (oh, what an oxymoron **that** was!), Sanzo was already on his feet and moving away to avoid the onrush. Konran was not nearly so vigilant, and, as a result, was nearly trampled by the mob like a daffodil under the hooves of a thousand wildebeest._

_Fortunately for him, his conditioned reflex in the face of such danger was to dissolve into a cloud of black confetti. Once the stampede had passed and taken refuge in what he strongly suspected was a small bathroom, he reformed and sat back down, taking a sip from his drink and sighing tiredly. Why did he always have to deal with ridiculous situations like this? It was absurd that a god be forced to handle such madness. More specifically, it was a Chaos god's duty to** cause** such incidents, not clean them up. But his job was changing. These days his duty even entailed personally taking the lives he often put in the path of destruction._

_It kind of pissed him off._

_Sanzo watched the god sit back down and resume drinking even more gloomily, and found it positively stupid. Sure, he didn't exactly feel like going out and doing something of his own free will to help the populace, but it sure as hell beat sitting around with the depressed idiot._

_Konran never suspected a thing. By the time he noticed that the paper fan was flying toward his temple at supersonic speed, it was too late, and it struck with the force of a runaway Mack truck. He managed a choked cry of pain, **then** dissipated. He never actually hit the ground, but was sitting dazedly on his stool and clutching at his head when he reformed._

"_You!" he shouted, jabbing a finger toward the monk in accusation. "What the hell was that for?! That's the same place Lydia hit me!"_

"_I know, now get off your ass," was Sanzo's clipped reply. God his ass. This guy was no more godlike than an earthworm. "We're going to go find out what those people were so afraid of. I heard them say something about ghosts. I'm willing to think it may have something to do with all the shit that's been happening lately."_

_Kon scoffed. "What, are you deaf? They said 'goats.' It was a goat stampede."_

_Sanzo decided then that it was better if he left stupid people behind, where they wouldn't bother him so much. "You're an idiot." He went to the door and pushed it open, holding it ajar as a gust of icy wind blew past, but once it was clear he stepped out onto the snow-laden steps and frowned._

_In the middle of the deserted village square lay a young man and a…a…humanoid meat bun with long black hair wearing a heavy winter coat._

"_What the…"_

_Sanzo flinched—a shocking event, indeed—when Kon appeared behind him, peering over his shoulder at the scene. "Do you have to stand so close?!"_

"_Tch. Why are those kids sleeping in the snow?"_

"_There's only one kid there. The other is a meat bun."_

_Kon gave him a disturbed stare. "You have spent far too much time caring for that monkey. That 'meat bun' is a young girl. Rather pretty, too. She looks almost like Lydia…" Suddenly he was depressed again, and a dark cloud formed over his head, casting the two of them in shadow._

_Irritated at the growing cloud of darkness, Sanzo growled and trudged off into the snow, stopping only when he had reached the pair. "Oy, get up. You're going to die out here like this."_

_The girl—for some reason she no longer looked like a foodstuff—twitched and lifted her head to look at him with large dark eyes. They blinked and focused, then squinted. "Aaargh! It's too bright!" she cried suddenly, burying her face in the snow again._

_Seeing that the monk was having difficulty, Kon went to help, grabbing the collar of the young man's shirt and lifting him up enough to let him breathe. "Hey, kid, wake up or your friend's going to die."_

"_Nnnnngghhh?" He opened his eyes after a few seconds and frowned at the god with snow covering most of his facial features. "What the hell do you want? I don't want the job. Stop harassing me!"_

"_What job?" He flipped the kid onto his back and he coughed, wiping the snow from his eyes. Well, this one seemed to be functioning, so Kon went to assist the monk in rousing the girl. "Move. You go find Hakkai and have him look these two over."_

_Despite his irritation at being ordered to do something which would contribute to the greater good, Sanzo was more than happy to get away from Konran, and so went to go get Hakkai, leaving Kon to tend to the two Freezy Pops._

_The boy was trying to wake up, but the girl wasn't moving at all, so Chaos went to kneel beside her and raise her up. "Hey, you'll freeze to death if you don't get up," he muttered, holding her upper half out of the snow. No, she wasn't as similar to Lydia as he'd initially thought. Lydia would have said something sarcastic by this point._

_Finally, she moved, and he leaned down to wipe the snow from her hair and face._

_She opened her eyes and stared at him._

"_Hello," he said, startled at the intensity of her stare. He was accustomed to women's stares, but this one seemed more afraid than anything else. "Um, why were you lying in the—augh!"_

_**SPLURT!**_

_In an instant, he'd dissipated once again and reformed several feet away, gaping at the huge pool of blood slowly soaking into the pristine snow. Unfortunately, that was also when Sanzo returned with everybody but the goddesses in tow._

_Lydia was the first to see the blood in the snow and on the god, and without asking for any explanations, she drop-kicked him in the chest and knocked him onto his back._

"_Oww!" he cried._

"_What did you do to that girl?!" she demanded, holding him down with a foot on his chest._

_He glared at her, suddenly more than a little fed up with her behavior and her utter ignorance. "I didn't do anything!" he snapped, grabbing her ankle, twisting it, and toppling her over facedown in the snow._

"_Ass-hat!" She leapt at him and caught him by the neck, throttling him like a doll. "How dare you! It's cold, dammit!"_

"_Then! Stop! Hitting! Me!" He took hold of her wrists and overpowered her, bringing her arms behind her back and holding them there with one hand. The other pulled her close enough against him so a kick would be impossible to execute._

"_Let go!"_

"_No!"_

"_I'll kick your ass!"_

"_That's exactly what I'm trying to prevent!"_

_Having already gotten used to their shenanigans, everybody who wasn't a Chaos god or a Chaos god's worldly equivalent ignored the squabble and tended to the frozen ones. They brought the comatose pair inside and let the not-so-comatose pair duke it out where no furniture would have to suffer undeserved punishment. Only Goku hesitated in concern, but when someone mentioned hot soup and meat buns for the girl and boy…well, needless to say, his attention was successfully diverted.

* * *

_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_As she sat alone in her darkened lab, Dr. Hwan kept fastidious watch over the countdown clock for the next subject. This one had been the easiest to augment, but the most difficult to produce. It was almost as though this one knew intrinsically that it shouldn't exist, and therefore somehow ceased its own vital functions before it could come into consciousness._

"_Peculiar," she whispered, frowning at the peaks and troughs of the electroencephalograph. "High frequency delta waves and low frequency beta waves—and they follow such a rigid pattern…is this sleep or not?" (2)_

_Kougaiji had already taken Seimei out of the castle to execute the second stage of the plan, so she couldn't ask that one about these peculiar brain waves, and they really didn't seem to be placing any undue stress on the subject. Based on these observations, she set aside her worry and focused on simple data analysis. So long as the subject was alive, nothing else would really matter._

_She glanced over to the third fluid-filled tube and frowned a little. Of the three, this one was the most unstable. The EEG and EKG were on the fritz half the time, and though this didn't seem to be causing any physiological problems, she still wasn't comfortable with the sudden, erratic beeping of the machines. It had gotten to the point where she had shut off the sound and replaced it with a blinking red light. Subject three hadn't needed any further replications than the first, much unlike subjects two and one, but took the longest to develop._

_The red light began to blink again, and she sighed, only somewhat concerned when the subject's arm moved a bit. Normal. It was all perfectly normal. She returned to the specs for subject two. The timer still allowed for three more days of incubation before it would be ready to— _

_**CRASH!**_

"_What?!" she instinctively went for the emergency alarm button, but before she could even turn around, the darkness surrounded her, and she fell unconscious.

* * *

_

_**(The Heavens)**_

"_Merciful Goddess, I must insist that you stop leaving your post on a whim like that!" Jiroshin begged hopelessly. He knew she would never listen, but at least he could plead plausible deniability when the superiors finally cracked down on her behavior…if the superiors ever obtained the necessary guts to do such a thing in the first place._

_Kannon frowned hard at the pool and motioned for him to shut up._

"_But Merciful Goddes!"_

"_Quiet, you noisy man!" Venus hissed, hunched beside Kannon's chair and frowning hard as well._

_Mortified, Jiroshin stomped out in a huff._

_The stage was set, and the only thing left to do, theoretically, was wait for the plan to play out, but what they were seeing in the water was no more a romantic encounter than that of a chameleon encountering a fly._

"_Hey, is that normal behavior?" the Love goddess inquired dubiously._

_Kannon chuckled and sighed in disappointment. "For Lydia, yes. She's a bit like a cobra-cat hybrid. She's an 'attack first and ask questions later' kind of girl."_

"_But how can she act like that around Chaos?! He's a **god** in so many ways it's mind-boggling! He is to me what Sanzo is to you!" She stood straight and began pacing impatiently, her tunic fluttering behind her. "The apple should have taken effect by now. Perhaps I should have used a more concentrated dose—an apple pi, perhaps? She likes sweet things, right?" (3)_

_The Merciful Goddess watched the Love goddess click back and forth across the tile in her stylish sandals, and said after a minute or two, "I have another idea that will probably get things done more quickly."_

_Venus looked up and halted in her steps, clearly discontent with the current circumstances. "What do you propose we do?"_

_Kannon grinned and nodded toward the image of Lydia attempting to chew Konran's restraining hands off at the wrists. "A bit of competition. We're both goddesses of Love—though you're far more specialized—so why don't we each use our individual abilities to fix that unfortunate couple up?"_

_She brightened and clicked closer. "Intriguing! And what kinds of rules should we abide by?"_

_The other goddess frowned thoughtfully, then shrugged. "No coercion and no blackmail. No bribes, either. I read about that thing you did with Hera and Athena and the Golden Apple. That poor Paris boy…"_

"_What? Oh, please! That was all Chaos' mommy's fault. It was **her** apple, after all, not really mine. I just hapened to win. It was a good idea, though, so I use it. My son sticks with arrows, but, I mean, come** on!** Arrows? Nobody likes being shot at."_

"_So it's settled then? A fair little competition?"_

_Venus raised a hand. "Wait, I have one more condition to add."_

"_And that would be?"_

"_They can't know what we're doing. Otherwise, Chaos is going to throw a monkey wrench into the whole thing, and I really don't feel like dealing with that boy when he's truly angry. Talk about a killjoy."_

_Kannon chuckled at the image of Konran attacking his aunt, but pretended to be laughing about something different. "Very well. Those are the rules. Shall we get started then?"_

_The other goddess laughed and grinned fiercely, suddenly all fired up over the game afoot. "Let's get started. I have some supplies to retrieve, but I won't be long."_

"_Take care now."_

_Venus left, and after a minute Jiroshin returned in a sour mood._

"_This is a very bad idea, Kanzeon Bosatsu," he muttered discontentedly._

"_Oh, stop it. Don't you dare spoil my fun. Now, if you would, could you please go pick me some flowers from the garden? The little blue ones."_

"_Flowers? O-of course, Merciful Goddess." He was confused, but that didn't matter. Orders were orders, no matter how they were disguised._

_Once her companion had left for the gardens, Kannon turned back to the pool and smiled craftily. "Patience Konran. You'll find happiness soon enough," she chuckled as she watched the god tie the girl up with a length of ribbon and drag her in out of the snow for her own good._

_Until then, of course, it was going to be one hell of a ride.

* * *

_

**_(Author's Notes)_**

_(1) Lydia is alluding to the time in chapter 1 when Kon locked her in her room in the same way._

_(2) "Electroencephalograph" Also known as an EEG. It monitors brain activity. Freaky thing is, spell-check recognizes it… _Oo; _Also, what Hwan's babbling about are the wave patterns in the subject's EEG, which are basically telling her that the "delta waves" are moving too fast and the "beta waves" (which shouldn't be there at all) are moving too slow. It only means that some really freaky crap is going down._

_(3) It's a pun. She's referring to the Greek letter "pi" as the dosage concentration (3.14), which, coincidentally, would take the form of an apple **pie**._

_My bad for taking so long…the blockage was immense, and what with the holidays and the New Year and the sudden inundation of excellent fansubs and manga…well, you can see my dilemma. However, waiting paid off. I've never broken double digit reviews for a single chapter! Thank you so much to all those who reviewed! XD Please don't stop!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	6. Bizarre: Unintentional Culture Shock

**The Sequel: Chapter VI

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) (Disclaimer: Still don't own Saiyuki, and no, I do not own The Ring or Ringu or Douglas Adams)_**

_It's only OOC if they do this of their own free will. (nods sagely) To **Wolf**, who left no way for me to reply, yes, them apples be bad. _

_Thou shalt not like them apples! So sayeth the horde._

_All this upcoming nonsense is my first tangential collection, meant to emphasize the weirdness capacity of what exactly is going on because King Kon screwed up. It took forever to write due to a Writers' Block the size of Lithuania. My apologies to those of you who are so sick of waiting that you want me dead._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Attention duelists! My hair has abducted this child!"—Henchman, Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged (by LittleKariboh on U-Tube)_

"_No! My hair is your father!"—ditto the previous_

"_Attention duelists! My hair is inviting you into the castle!"—Yeah…ditto again_

"_Screw the rules. I have money!"—Seto Kaiba, same place as Henchman dude_

* * *

_**Bizarre: Unintentional Culture Shock**_

_**(Tangent 1: My Apologies to Shakespeare—**As inspired by Hamlet_

_Lirin was miffed. No, wait, perhaps miffed was too gentle a word to describe her rage toward the toaster oven, for it had scorched her sweet bean bun to charcoal perfection. She screamed at it, threw it on the ground, and proceeded to lay sweet vengeance upon the offending appliance in a manner befitting a wood chipper._

_The princess, clearly, did not know her own strength, especially not when she was irritated beyond all sanity with the most recent glitch in her life._

_It was only when the carnage had ceased that Yaone entered upon the scene, shocked at the brutality with which the young girl had savaged the device._

"_What hast thou done, Lady Lirin?" the healer cried._

"_Yon damnéd appliance did take mine bun and scorch it as the wrath of mine mother doth scorch her wayward slaves!" she declared profoundly, pointing in condemnation at the scattered remnants of metal and wire and glass. "However, I have had the revenge I so sought. I shall take leave now, and seek out brother to divine what plans he hath conjured for the odd humor which hath befallen us."_

_At that, the Princess left, and Yaone murmured as a small aside, "Methinks it is the Doctor, yet I have seen neither hide nor hair of her in nearly a fortnight. What tricks are these which alter a person so?"_

_A curious guard chose then to approach, and before discovery the healer left to avoid the aforementioned wrath of Lady Koushu.

* * *

_

_**(Tangent 2: Sato's Discovery) **(A/N: I'll betcha FIVE SOULS that you forgot all about this dude.) _

_The poor baker was in a bit of a pickle. He had only lately arisen from his coma, but despite his happiness toward being alive, it was obvious that he had no idea where he was._

_Wet with melted snow and rather uncomfortable, he gazed about the spacious, elaborate room and found himself under the baffled scrutiny of several blue-uniformed youngsters._

"_Yippee, he's awake!" a tiny blonde boy cheered, swinging his stuffed bunny around like a dance partner before apparently forgetting what was going on and sitting down to enjoy some cake._

"_Ah," replied the taller one beside him, whose manner resembled that of a stoic and taciturn bodyguard._

_Sato sat up slowly while the older-looking blond boy set the others into motion, calling for a doctor, a hairdresser, a tailor, and a chef. A pair of mischievous and remarkably synchronized twins returned immediately to whisk the baker away and change him into something more presentable than a dirty apron and overalls. Right afterwards, the hair stylist gave him a smart trim and a smooth shave, and the chef wheeled in a veritable feast._

"_I apologize for their behavior," sighed the only normal boy in the bunch, though he could almost have been a girl._

"_No, no, no, Haruhi!" the older blonde gushed, taking the baker's hand and leading him to the table. "We have an unexpected guest, and we must treat him well!"_

"_You should just send him to the police and have it sorted out there!" Haruhi argued. "Normal people don't appear out of thin air."_

"_Milord! We have informed the headmaster of what just happened!" the twins announced, saluting like a pair of well-trained soldiers._

_Haruhi was forgotten posthaste. "Excellent! Kyouya, have your people find this poor homeless man accommodations for the night!"_

_Sato overheard and tried to protest that he wasn't poor OR homeless, but was immediately interrupted by a slice of cake shoved in his face by the little one._

"_Cake! Have some! It's great!" Eternal flowers danced about this one's head, as though emphasizing his childlike qualities._

"_Perhaps we should ask the man himself before we jump to conclusions, Tamaki," Kyouya, the dark-haired bespectacled boy replied._

"_Nonsense! We will take care of everything!" Tamaki brushed the suggestion aside like so much lint. "Hikaru! Kaoru!"_

"_Milord!" the twins responded at once._

"_When he is finished eating, take him to the next room for a checkup. We won't have anyone dying in our Host Club!" He dished out the orders as though he were king, which, upon closer inspection, he pretty much was._

"_Yessir!" They left to go help the doctor._

"_Bud I'b fime!" Sato argued past a mouthful of cake. He just wanted to go back to Togenkyo, where he belonged._

"_No need to speak, my poor vagabond commoner! We shall save you yet!" replied the remarkably narrow-minded leader of the group._

_Meanwhile, Haruhi decided that it was just getting ridiculous, and left to go study something in a broom closet somewhere, where none of this insanity could infect her._

"_Where are you going?!" cried Tamaki._

"_Anywhere away from you and your insane plans," she replied with no ill intent, before shutting the door behind her._

_In shock, Tamaki staggered back, made a dramatic scene, then slunk into his Corner of Woe to hug his knees and be depressed. An eerie haze of darkness hovered in the corner with him, like a miasma of misery._

"_Idiot," sighed, Kyouya, finding himself, the shadow king, responsible for the emotional Prince's harebrained schemes yet again._

_Unable to escape the clutches of the Host Club, Sato merely sat there and ate, figuring that he could sort things out later when a real adult came into the scene. _

_Besides, he was hungry.

* * *

_

**(Tangent 3: Opposite)**

The two kids woke up in the afternoon, and although Sanzo had been the first to suggest saving them from the freezing outdoors (a concept which I found incredibly difficult to reconcile with my permanent image of the man), he was now the one least happy about the decision.

Kyohei and Sunako were classmates and quasi-friends.

They were not from around here.

"Sooo…you're like me?" I asked from my seat on the couch beside the brooding Chaos god.

Sunako squinted as she looked at me, apparently because we were all too "bright." "Yeah. We were shopping for dinner, and there was a bright blue light."

"And then we ended up here," Kyohei muttered, glancing around warily at the inn's passing patrons as they slowed to a snail's pace just to stare at him and the other boys. "This place is totally different from home…" Even men were slowing down. It was eerie, and Sanzo's gun hand kept twitching as though restraining the near-irresistible urge to kill all who possessed a staring problem.

Sunako and I were of like mind in that we couldn't comprehend the patrons' fascination. Besides, unlike Kon, Kyohei was more _pretty_ than handsome. He was still too young.

The Geisha-looking girl had taken a chair to herself, as far from all other persons as physically possible, with her sleek, waist-length black hair framing her face to limit what people could see of it.

I _was_ sitting with Konran, but he was more like a conversational coffee table or a talking pet cat than an actual person. And he could turn into a cat at will anyway, so it pretty much worked out like that.

"This is probably yet another side-effect of what's going on here," the god mused, hugging one knee and resting his chin on his arm in thought.

"Damn, so this shit's _spreading?_" Gojyo inquired past the stub of a cigarette.

He and Hakkai were on Kyohei's couch. Sanzo was at the bar getting wasted and trying to forget what the hell was happening—I had the odd feeling that our presence may have actually been detrimental to the monk's health. Meanwhile, Goku and Yumoa sat on the floor in the middle of the small circle made by the various seating implements, listening in while the Adults discussed things.

Wait just a…since when was I one of the Adults?! I was on the wrong side of the conversation!

Realizing this, I glared at Konran. "This is all your fault, ass-hat. I want my childhood back!" I pretty much screamed.

He frowned at me in bafflement, as did all the other occupants of the room. "Lydia, why are you accusing me of something I couldn't possibly have any control over? You do realize that I do not possess the capacity for time travel, don't you? And what brings up the topic anyway?"

"Time travel, dimensional travel—whatever," Gojyo interrupted in impatience. He stubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray and pointed at Sunako. "Can you send her and her friend back?"

The god gave him a testy glare, but replied anyway, "Not right now. Her dimension is clashing with this one, but it's not bi-directional. It'll probably be a few hours before I can help them, if they're lucky."

"Typical. You gods _act_ all omnipotent, but when the shit hits the fan you crap out like the rest of us." The cockroach lit a fresh cigarette and puffed on it in discontent.

"That may be a little harsh, Gojyo," Hakkai ameliorated before Chaos snapped. "I don't think he has the power to control so much. Konran, you can send them back, though, right?"

"When the planes shift so that I can do it."

"Then I suppose waiting a little while wouldn't hurt." He smiled kindly at the two kids and they exchanged uncertain glances.

But then Sanzo appeared behind me brandishing his gun, and trained it on the back of Konran's head. "Send them back NOW. Better yet, take everyone with you. You and the Stray and that barefoot moron can all go home. Leave our dimension to us." How many drinks had he had?

Konran glared at him out the corner of one eye, still hugging his knee with his chin on his arm. "Shooting me will merely trap them _all_ here. If you want us gone, my death is the absolute **_last_** thing you want."

"Then at least grow a fucking backbone!" the monk growled. And with that, he turned on his heel and stormed off.

Goku gaped at his monk in surprise, then stood suddenly. "Hey, what th' hell happened? Sanzo, wait up!" In a flash, he was gone as well, and finding himself alone on the floor, Yumoa apparently lost interest in the conversation and wandered off like a wayward moth, probably seeking out some small children or furry creatures to befriend.

I snickered sardonically, "What on earth did you do to Sanzo, Kon?" He looked away stubbornly, so I glanced at the remaining cohorts. "Anyone else wanna vacate the premises?"

Instantly, Kyohei and Sunako both made to leave in opposite directions, but were immediately retained by Gojyo, who grabbed their collars and made them sit back down.

"Get the hell off me!" Kyohei snapped, swiping the kappa's hand away and putting some distance between himself and the rest of us.

"Bright!" Sunako cried, staunching a nosebleed with a large, cloth napkin. The cloth became bright red within moments, and I couldn't help but gape in awe.

"Damn, you have a lot of blood," I commented.

Konran snorted, "That's the dumbest thing you've ever said."

"Silence, cur!" I grabbed the half-full ashtray and shoved it in his face, grinding the cigarette butts in before dropping it on his head with a loud _thock_.

"What the…!" He leapt up and away, brushing the butts off his clothes and out of his hair. "Dammit, you little wretch! Now I stink!"

"Huh, I can't tell the difference. I'm not the kind of freak who distinguishes people by their scent." I propped my chin in my palm and picked up the ashtray, setting it back on the table for Gojyo. "You'd think the gods wouldn't be so pathetic."

"Gods?" both Sunako and Kyohei repeated simultaneously.

"It's nothing," Hakkai assured them, probably automatically realizing that revealing the divine presence might not be the brightest of ideas. His role as the level-headed intelligent dude never fazed him.

"I'm going to go shower," Konran snipped, shoving his hands in his jeans' pockets and slinking off to do whatever. He had a rather feline gait, that god.

"We still need to go shopping for hiking supplies," Hakkai mused, going over his mental grocery list again. "Kyohei and Sunako, would you like to come? There aren't any rooms left, so for now it might be better if you kept busy while you wait."

"Well, I guess. I don't really feel like staying here anyway." The young man glared at a middle-aged man passing by, whose eyes were pretty much rootless. "Come on, Sunako. You know you want to escape, too."

The girl frowned, but stood silently and nodded in agreement.

Monocle looked to me in question, but I shook my head and held up a hand. "Sorry, but I'd rather go up and enjoy the space heater. I like cold, but this place is like the freaking South Pole."

"Ha-ha…yes, well I suppose it is a bit chilly, but somebody has to run the errands or no one will survive the trip." He smiled a bit ironically. "I'll go find a pair if spare coats for them."

I sighed and turned to the kappa, who was also getting ready to leave. "You going shopping, too?"

He smirked. "Hell no. It's late enough to go to a bar for some bird-watching." He left with a backwards wave, grinning like a Cheshire cat who got the canary—double whammy!

"What a sad, perverted man," I muttered, deciding then that I didn't want to hang around much longer either. "Well, you two, Hakkai's probably the most trustworthy guy on this planet, and he'll scare the crap outta anyone who even _thinks_ about doing something you don't like, so don't worry, okay?"

"Er, yeah. Thanks for all of this," Kyohei said slowly, obviously doubting my opinion of the Monopoly guy. "So if that other guy can send us back, then how come he hasn't already sent you back?"

"Kon? Well, because I'll go back with him and Yumoa. We're a Triple Threat of sorts. Chaos, Comedy, and Crazy—that's us in a nutcase."

"What are you doing here?"

I grinned evilly. "Killing things, mostly. Sometimes battling zombies and cyborgs, and saving the world—we're a multitalented group."

"Z-zombies?" Sunako's eyes lit up so suddenly that I took a step back in surprise. "And killing? Is there a lot of blood?!"

I was having flashbacks of The Ring, it seemed, because before I knew what the hell was going on, the black-haired, slender girl began crawling across the floor toward me. For a moment, I gaped in fascination, before remembering that the movie had scared me into a near-coma and yelping in fear, "Augh! Samara's gonna **_eat _**me!!"

However, like a well-trained bodyguard, Kyohei grabbed her arm and held her back. "You should probably go, or she'll start drooling on you or something. She's a horror flick otaku."

"Oh…I love horror flicks, too, but…wow, I'm not the spitting image of one of the characters! My hair's too wavy. She rocks!" I danced with glee and tore her away from the guy. "Blood and guts, right? Damn, I wish you could see Ryushi, my sword. It's got this awesome hook on it to catch skin and rip through bones!"

"Freddy and Jason are my heroes!" she sighed as though swooning over some guy she liked. It was…different.

"And Michael Meyers! Immortal, the lot of 'em!"

"You're both idiots," Kyohei grumbled, scratching his head and spotting Hakkai on the stairs. "Hey, he's back. We're going now."

"No freaking way! I'm staying here!" Sunako declared.

"Like hell! We're leaving!" He snatched her up like a sack of potatoes, but in an instant she swung her fist into his side and he yipped in pain, dropping her.

I couldn't help but stare when she tried to slither away like a dark-haired snake. However, as she attempted to bypass Hakkai, he simply picked her up with a pleasant smile, wrapped her in a coat, and handed her to Kyohei. "We'll be back in a bit, Lydia. Tell Sanzo where we went, if you don't mind."

Hakuryu _kyuued_ in what may very well have been amusement, ruffling his wings and watching me with intelligent scarlet eyes. That dragon was just a quiet version of Rhadymanthus, I swear.

"Er…uh, yeah…creepy." I continued to stare as they left, only regaining sensibility after the door had shut, and when I finally looked around, the entire diner was watching me as though I might sprout tentacles at any moment.

Hmm…now where had Sanzo gone?

The priest and Goku had left the diner, but chances were good that they were probably still in the inn. Sanzo didn't seem the type to inconvenience himself out in the cold for the mere sake of running away, so I went upstairs to seek him out.

At the door, I briefly considered arming myself with a variety of weapons I had crafted during my two-year hiatus in my dimension—including a lovely set of poisoned darts made from shards of stolen sweatdrops. I'd even had some South American immigrant dude teach me how to properly utilize a blowgun, and obtained the poison from some poison arrow frogs I had kidnapped from the local zoo.

Security is so lame when they're unconscious.

However, after some deliberation, I realized that the monk was inebriated, and would likely shoot me the moment he saw a weapon of any sort in my hand. Instead, I knocked and announced that I would be entering.

"Open that door and you'll die where you stand!" the priest retorted.

Hmm…fine, then. "In that case, Hakkai wants me to tell you that he went shopping for supplies or something. He took the kids with him."

"That's not a good enough reason to annoy me!"

"Aw, c'mon Sanzo," Goku muttered, just barely audible. "She's tryin' to do Hakkai a favor."

"You shut up, too! I didn't ask for an entourage."

Well, this conversation was going nowhere. Time to kick it up a notch, so to Emeril. "Yeah, well _Gojyo_ told me to tell you that you're short, bald, and smell like moth balls!"

At that, I ran, barely dodging the barrage of lead which sought my life like a hungry dog seeks an injured squirrel. I found sanctuary in my room, collapsing on the floor and giggling like an idiot.

Not to self: Do that again.

* * *

_**(Tangent 4: Adjacent—**As inspired by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy AND Hamlet_

_Kougaiji approached the lab with habitual caution, still somewhat expectant of the Professor's return and wary enough of the man to hesitate before opening the door. He had dropped Seimei off at the designated location and given him the doctor's orders, then left him there to return and give his report of the situation outside of Houtou castle. Upon returning, he had discovered the illness spreading throughout the castle and feared that either the doctor or the professor had done something horrible, thus hastening him to speak with Hwan._

_As luck would have it, there was no Professor. Hwan, however, was nowhere to be found, but unable to shake the need to discuss these latest developments with the learned woman, he ventured further into the interconnected labs, bypassing strange machines and devices whose purposes he was unable to decipher._

_Even the inner lab was devoid of life, save for a cage of sleeping white mice with a wide variety of odd, indescribable deformities. There was simply…something not quite right about them._

_The prince was too impatient to observe the rodents further, however, and turned to leave and search elsewhere, but at the exit a new, previously hidden doorway presented itself._

"_Hello!" the doorway called out cheerfully._

_Kougaiji froze and slowly turned to stare at the opening. The door itself was on the floor in pieces. "Didst thou speak?" (A/N: Yeah, him too. XD)_

"_Of course!" the opening replied with a jovial laugh._

_Kougaiji glanced around, thinking that perhaps this was just a prank._

"_Silly! I'm over here!" If it could have waved, it would have. It compensated by swinging its empty hinges rapidly. "Hey, you should probably come in my room. There's something you should see."_

"_Who **art** thou?" Kougaiji asked, still (understandably) bewildered by the sentient portal._

"_The name's Eddie. Hey, why're ya talkin' like Shakespeare?"_

_He **knew** he shouldn't have spoken. This disease was intolerable. However, when faced with a talking doorway… "Why art thou speaking at all?" he shot back in irritation. "I know not this shake-spear of which you speak."_

"_Ri-ight. Anyway, c'mon in! You should probably help the unconscious lady in here before she starves to death or somethin'."_

"_Hwan?"_

"_Yeah, I guess. I dunno her name, but she's always alone in here, and I worry about her. The person who attacked her ripped my manhood off, and I'd like to get that back ASAP, but you're the first outsider who's been in here in **days**, so couldja give her a hand and set that particular task in motion?"_

_So the doorway was talking, and in a fit of temporary insanity, he actually heeded the inanimate object's words, unable to check his nervousness toward the thing and rushing through in case it tried to…well…bite him? Insult his mother? Something, at least. Common sense dictated that doorways were not supposed to be able to speak, yet this one was violating all the laws of nature in doing just that._

_However, the doorway had not been lying. At the end of the long, darkened room, the prince came across the unconscious doctor, lying on the floor and bleeding from a shallow cut on her forehead._

"_Doctor, I prithee open thine eyes and inform me of what trait'rous creature hath committed this atrocity!" he said, shaking her shoulder lightly._

_She was breathing and alive, but would not awaken. He glanced around and took in his surroundings, taking note of the shadowed form within a glowing green cylindrical tank, between an empty, unlit tank, and another which had shattered and spilled out its contents. The floor was slick with a mucus-like fluid and shards of razor-edged glass were scattered about, as though someone had waded through the rush and dragged the pieces in his or her wake._

_It was obvious that one of the Doctor's subjects had escaped, and if they were still somewhere in the castle then the prince would have to give out immediate orders to scour the grounds for unknown persons._

_He uttered a curse and quickly picked the doctor up, carrying her back out the talking doorway and laying her on the reclined procedure chair. The nearest com link was in the next room, so he headed back to get it and call on the search._

"_Dokugakuji! 'Tis I. I beseech thee call upon the soldiers, for there hath been a grave misfortune in Lab Two. Thou must needs call together a unit to search the castle for an intruder, anybody unknown to thee who doth carry a manner suspect."_

"_Of course," the swordsman replied, unwilling to say more than a few words at a time due to the spreading verbal sickness._

"_Hey, don't forget me, either!" Eddie the doorway called from the other room._

_Kougaiji frowned through the mute doorway linking the two labs, then grudgingly added, "I shall need a carpenter as well, post haste."_

"_I see…very well," Dokugaku murmured slowly, carefully disguising his skepticism._

_The link shut off, and within minutes, a small contingent of soldiers had arrived, as well as the castle's finest carpenter. Within fifteen minutes, the troops were on their way, and the carpenter was busy trying to ignore the door's inane chatter while he attempted to both maintain his sanity and rebuild the doorway's "manhood."_

_Kougaiji remained in the back lab, waiting for the Doctor to awaken and tell him what exactly had happened. If fortune favored him, she might even have known why the disease was spreading like wildfire through the castle._

_He hoped she did, because Lady Koushu's wrath had increased tenfold since acquiring her charming new colloquialisms. Something was going on over which she had no power, and that was enough for a decapitation a day. Kougaiji sure as hell didn't want to end up as one of the sacrifices.

* * *

_

**_(Tangent 5: Hypotenuse)_**

_Konran found it positively ridiculous that the sound of gunfire no longer stirred his fears. This was because he had come to expect it. He now knew why Hakkai never had panic attacks whenever the monk assaulted his companions—it was as normal as rainfall or sunlight, so why worry?_

_He could hear Lydia burst into the room cackling like a giddy hyena, and sighed inwardly. He really was insane. Why? Why did he love someone who willingly baited a murderous **monk**?! And what madness could drive a Buddhist monk to drink, smoke, and murder on a regular basis? What was **wrong** with this world?_

_The monkey was no less perplexing. He envied the boy's ability to see past the extraneous nonsense and dig straight to the core of a matter, whereas it was the god's **job** to cause all that extraneous nonsense. Seiten Taisei aside, the boy's mannerisms were fascinating all on their own._

_And Gojyo…he simply wished Gojyo were a more accomplished teacher—like Hakkai, whom Konran would never ask for help due to the man's already full hands in caring for the entire band of hellions. _

_Depressed again, the god slid down the wet tile and reclined against the tub wall, letting the water beat the angst out of his system and plaster his hair over his eyes to block out the light._

_However, before he could even get comfortable, someone started pounding on the door, rattling him out of the trance he'd fallen into._

"_What?!" he demanded in irritation._

"_Don't you start ignoring me, too!" Lydia shouted right back. "I'm bored! Wanna play Battle Twister with me and Yumoa and Goku?"_

"_Battle Twister?" he muttered to himself. Then, more loudly, "What the hell is Battle Twister?!"_

"_It's awesome! We're playing in that lounge thing down the hall, but I'll wait for you 'cause Yumoa wants privacy to conspire with Goku, so that means we gotta have a battle plan, too!"_

_To his knowledge, there was no such thing as a "battle plan" for "Battle Twister"—and since when had "It's awesome!" count as an in-depth explanation of a game?_

"_There's something fundamentally wrong with you," he responded at length._

"_Hey…c'mon, Kon. I need you on my team. You're flexible as hell." For once she sounded disappointed, rather than enraged._

"_Twister isn't a team sport!" No. He was not playing Twister of any sort._

…_Then again…with Lydia…_

_NO! NO, NO,** NO!** He would NOT stoop that low!_

…_But still…it was tempting…_

"_Konran, Pleee-ee-ee-ee-eease?!"_

_He could practically visualize her hopping up and down like an anxious puppy._

"_Damn it all to hell, FINE! I'll be out in a few minutes!" he shouted, relenting at last. Deep down, a tiny part of him was rather happy, and he glared at that part as though it were his immortal enemy. His own body was trying to get him killed!_

_Unenthusiastically, he got back up and rinsed, then shut the water off and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist and cursing himself as he exited the bathroom, followed closely by a cloud of steam._

"_Augh!"_

"'_Augh' **what**?!" he snapped at the girl sitting on the sofa._

_Her expression shifted to one of nonchalance, and she shrugged. "Nothing. You're just half-naked. By the way, you still owe me for that crap you pulled the first time I met you in person."_

_That made him pause before the bag of clothing on the desk and frown at her. "What does **that** mean? And why are you still in here? I have to change!"_

"_Into what? A butterfly? Like I'm freaked out by your presence. Hurry up, dude."_

_He realized then that she had no real intention of leaving…because he was furniture. This irked him to no end, and without thinking, he approached her and leaned down until their faces were level and only inches apart. "Leave."_

"_Make me, pretty-boy."_

"_Stop calling me that!" he cried in exasperation._

"_Heh, you're so weird." She reached up and tousled his wet hair with a grin. "Fine, but hurry up. I have a bone to pick with your cheating cousin."_

"_What?" Konran took a confused step back as she stood and made to leave._

"_We'll be down the hall," she replied authoritatively. _

_Why? Why didn't he take the chance? He had her right there—she was being nice to him! Why? How could he prove to her that he wasn't a coffee table?!_

"_Lydia, wait!" he called on impulse. _

"_What's up?" When she turned expectantly, his nerve crumbled like a sandcastle in a tidal wave._

_He stared for a moment, the words struggling to free themselves from his tongue, but then he turned around and waved it away. "Nothing. Just be sure not to say anything revealing to Yumoa. He's an idiot, but he's a brilliant idiot."_

_She considered it. "Crap, that means we're up against **two** geniuses! Okay, I gotta go strategize. Hurry up! I'll debrief you when you arrive at Checkpoint Alpha."_

_Once she was gone, Konran slapped a hand to his forehead and let out a passionate curse, still wondering to himself why the hell he found her so irresistible._

"_You can de-brief me any time, Lyds," he muttered desolately.

* * *

_

_**(Author's Notes)**_

_Awww. How CUTE! Kon's making innuendo…Konran's breakdown and reconstruction will soon be complete. He's not gonna be a pansy for long—he's ever-changing, remember?_

_Oh, and by popular demand, there will be Twister next chapter, involving not only Kon, Lyds, Goku, and Yumoa, but Gojyo and a drunken Sanzo as well. Hakkai and Hakuryu will commentate…actually, all that crap may or may not be in the next chapter. There WILL be Twister, though, and later there will be DDR, as inspired by…was it EoS? I'm pretty sure it was._

_Goku will kick ass, of course. _

_And those were the Shakespearean tangents. I just couldn't stop the madness. I'll go flagellate myself now. The Sato thing…well, I love Ouran, and I wanted the baker to end up in a total nuthouse—hence, the Host Club. Yeah, that's what happened to him._

_Volume 6 of Reload is out…which I've finished already. I'm pretty sure that I'll be slowly dying inside until April, when volume 7 comes out._

_DAMN YOU, CLIFFHANGERS!_

_Yes, I will resume a plot. I've just been struggling with some hella Blockages. Yo. (cackle)_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	7. Mishaps: The Evil of Polka Dots

**The Sequel: Chapter VII

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_Due to the unrelenting Hell of the dreaded Biology Lab Report, I was unable to update for three weeks…possibly more—I've lost count by now, dammit! However, to ease the troubled minds of those of you who may have thought me dead, I now present to you the longest and most painfully embarrassing chapter yet in this story. Enjoy!_

_Anybody who has not seen "Gintama" fansubs or at least read the manga in Jump had better go RIGHT NOW and expose themselves to this beautiful madness. Think: "Excel Saga" meets "Rurouni Kenshin." You'll be seeing Gintoki and his crew very soon…because I love them **THIIIIS MUCH.**_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"If you think about it, you spend more of your life as an old man than as anything else! Scary!"—Episode 16 Title, "Gintama"_

"_See that person smoking over there? The one who seems to look down on everybody? Please run him over with just enough force not to kill him."—The bazooka-happy Shinsengumi dude, "Gintama"_

"_**WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU** merely postpones the inevitable…"—BumperSticker_

"_Who **IS** Oscar Mayer, and why does everyone want to be his wiener?"—BumperSticker _

"_Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?"—BumperSticker_

* * *

**_Mishaps: The Evil of Polka Dots_**

**_(Shopping…sort of)_**

_Hakkai had thought that shopping for travel supplies in a small village with the two kids would be a simple matter of selecting items off a shelf and purchasing them at the counter with the Gold Card he had deftly snatched from Sanzo's robe that morning. In short, he had been completely unprepared for the mass panic and chaos which would result from the grave lapse in judgment on his part._

_He was at a loss. He had no idea how to handle the situation._

_He'd had no inkling whatsoever that women could become this crazed._

"_Why are you doing this?!" Kyohei cried in a rage, running as fast as his legs could carry him. Sunako had already saved herself, seeing no reason to intervene unless things got too ridiculous. She was accustomed to it, and ignored the horde of women as though they were motes of dust hovering in the air. This, naturally, pissed Kyohei off to no end, but he had no way to retaliate while the stampede attempted to strip him of everything but his life._

"_Please come back!" "We love you!" "May I have your autograph?!" "Marry me!" "HAVE MY BABIES!"_

_The screams had pretty much morphed into a single shrill cry for attention by this point, which the young man had no intention of answering._

"_So this is normal?" Hakkai asked conversationally, hiding his disbelief behind a mask of pleasantry._

"_I used to need a police escort just to get to school, let's just leave it at that!" Kyohei gasped, still marveling at the idea that there were this many women in such a small village. He had nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach which suggested that perhaps word had gotten around to the other villages in the area about a beautiful boy with light brown hair and topaz eyes._

"_We should probably run faster," Hakkai put forward politely, not wanting to antagonize the kid._

_Kyohei looked back and gaped in horror to see that the ocean of groping hands had gained enough ground to brush the hem of his coat. He'd thought the snow would have slowed them down, but after several circuits through all the streets, the snow had compressed under the trampling of a hundred pairs of feet, creating a nice, level running surface._

"_ARGH!" It was the only response he could come up with to express his all-encompassing exasperation with the female gender._

"_I'm inclined to agree," Hakkai laughed darkly, the both of them picking up speed and brainstorming like mad to figure a way out of their predicament._

* * *

_**(Approach)**_

"_Hmm, so this is it, huh?" Seimei looked around at the small cluster of buildings and cocked his head to the side when he heard what sounded an awful like a wildebeest stampede coupled with a pop idol concert. "Wow, this place looks fun!"_

_He unzipped his scarlet overcoat and checked his inner pocket for how much money he had to spend. There was enough for lodgings and food to last a week, and he grinned in excitement. Finally, he wasn't going to be stuck in a dingy old lab day and night._

_In fact, orders could wait. He wanted to have some fun first, so he zipped up his coat once more and headed into the village, intent on finding an inn for the night and a quaint restaurant with lots of food for dinner._

"_Ahh, freedom is sweet," he sighed with satisfaction. "And if I see the Sanzo party, I'll be able to do some spying! They'll never notice!" _

_He laughed giddily and began skipping through the snow in excitement._

* * *

**_(Gojyo's Mistake)_**

"_Dammit, where did all the women go?" Gojyo grumbled to himself as he trudged across the hard-packed snow on his way back to the inn. His luck had been horrible. It was almost as if some unseen force had abducted all his pretty ladies and left him out to dry._

_Suddenly, a low rumble and a burst of screams grabbed his attention, and he wheeled around just in time to see a veritable stampede of women bearing down on him, with Kyohei and Hakkai at the front of the mob clearly attempting to escape with their lives._

_Well, one way to save them was to divert the mob's attention, and in a fit of poor judgment he threw his arms out with a grin and shouted, "Hello ladies! How about you try me on for size?"_

"_Hot man willing!" someone in the middle of the crowd shrieked like a harpy, and in a flash the mob turned in his direction._

_Seeing the army heading his way, all of a sudden he knew why the other two had been running, but before he could turn tail and save himself the posse pounced. Dozens of hands groped out and converged on his person, battling each other for hot property and screeching madly the entire way._

"_Gah!" the kappa cried, rapidly finding that his clothes were being ripped away. "No! One at a time, please!" His shouts went unheard as half the mob overran him, while the other half continued on to pursue more available prey like a flock of buzzards vying for control of a zebra carcass._

_That was it. He had to get away. Scrambling, he found his coat on the ground and grabbed it, packing it with some snow to give it form, then throwing it high overhead and shouting in a high-pitched voice, "Look, he's getting away!"_

_The crowd was of one mind, and all leapt up at once to capture the false escapee. In the brief period of chaos, the redhead ducked down and shoved through the crowd, keeping low to avoid notice and breaking through the perimeter after several harrowing seconds. He didn't even bother to look back, and sprinted as quickly as he could back to the inn, bursting through the doors and leaping up the stairs four at a time. Only after he was certain that none of the mob had followed him did he stop running, and immediately he collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath._

_After a brief rest, he lifted his face off the carpet an looked up, unexpectedly finding himself meeting eyes with Konran, who was too surprised to speak._

_Lydia peered past the god and smirked evilly. "You look like you just got raped."_

_He shot her an angry look and panted, "Women! Hundreds! I left Hakkai…and Kyohei! Don't know…if they escaped…"_

_She nodded sagely. "Served you right, pervo. You do realize that you're barefoot and in your boxers, though, right?"_

_Finally, he looked down at himself and saw that she was indeed correct, and that he was rather cold. "Shit…"_

"_Yeah, go get dressed and come back. We're playing Battle Twister, and this time you get to actually play." She grinned and nodded behind her. "Comedy's here, and Goku just went to get Sanzo to run the spinner. If anything, you'll want to see the drunken priest join the fun. He's so wasted that he won't be able to say no."_

_The attack was beginning to seem more and more like some awful nightmare, and now the thought of Sanzo participating in Twister—however superficially—was enough to make him forget that the whole incident had occurred._

"_Hell yeah!" he said with a grin to match Lydia's. He stood and turned back toward his room. "I'll be back in a few." _

_This was going to be **golden**._

* * *

**(Battle Twister—Part Deux)**

Because Gojyo was the fifth wheel in our Battle Royale of Contortionist Techniques, it was necessary to either whittle off a member of one of the two teams in order to even out the numbers, or to dissolve team battles and switch to an individual approach. Neither option was all that difficult to take, but individual battles were eventually selected over team battles, mostly because Comedy was a scheming little imp who wanted to take Goku out of the game early on.

The coin flip, however, was executed by the kappa to decide which of the original teams would select the first two combatants.

Fortune was smiling upon my team, this was for certain. It landed on tails—our win—and after a brief argument with Konran, which ended with him on the floor clutching his gastro-intestinal cavity and cursing profusely, I picked Gojyo and Yumoa to have the first battle.

This decision was made for two reasons:

One, Yumoa was so kickass at this that I wanted to see if the kappa could keep up; and two, on the off-chance that Gojyo was equally kickass, I wanted to see the look on Comedy's face when his pride was at last crushed beneath the weight of my mighty strategic genius.

Shockingly, Gojyo was so worked up because of his run-in with the "army of crazed vixens" that he managed to gloatingly destroy the god of Comedy and obtain a permanent rank on my top ten list of Underdogs Who Rock. (Yumoa, on the other hand, threw a classic tantrum and eventually passed out asleep on the couch like a toddler, making it very difficult to continue arguing with him over the "no biting" rule.)

Not so shockingly, when Gojyo was informed of his new rank, he demanded that I replace "Underdogs" with "Brilliant, Gorgeous, and Talented Men" and challenged me to a battle.

Of course, this name would not change. For one, the addition of three adjectives was just a little superfluous, and made me want to condense them all into the one word "Narcissists." "Men" was also out of the question because there were chicks on my list, including, but not limited to Yoruichi from Bleach, my new pal Sunako, and this one chick in my old gang who kicked ass yet eventually got taken out after one hell of a fight.

Most importantly, however, "Underdog" was my cartoon hero, right up there with Ichigo Kurosaki and Yoichi Hiruma from Eyeshield 21.

I realized then that most of my heroes had "ichi" in their names. Perhaps it was a fad?

"Oy, are you deaf?!" Gojyo shouted suddenly, surprising me out of my inner monologue.

"No, but I will be if you keep screaming," I replied grumpily. "It was getting good."

His sharp, crimson eyes squinted at me as though I were wearing a rainbow clown afro. "What was getting good?"

"My inner monologue, fool! Damn, you always gotta question my methods, don't you?" I looked to the drunken monk and grinned. "Yo, Sanzo, give it a whirl."

He seethed at me with that familiar demonic gaze, wavered a bit under the influence of so much alcohol, then finally flicked the little spinner and watched it twirl until it stopped. "Left foot red," he hiccupped.

Dammit, I should have brought a camera!

"You're goin' down, water boy," I taunted with a confident smirk as I stamped onto the nearest red dot.

The water sprite grinned mischievously. "Oh? Then you better use your best moves, kid, or I might just screw up your plans."

"Bring it!" I barked giddily.

"Damn right I will!" he shot right back.

Konran, standing off to one side, covered his face with one hand and muttered, "It's just the first move and already you're at each other's throats. What would the inventor of this game say if he saw it being used as an implement of war?"

I pointed at the kappa and declared profoundly, "He would say, 'Kick that pansy's candy ass, for he cannot smell what the Rock is cooking!' Then he would dance. Like this." I did a little jig where I stood, maintaining my foothold on the red dot.

"Um, I don't think he would say that, Lydia," Kon sighed, now pinching the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb.

"Shut up!" Sanzo commanded all of a sudden, startling us combatants back into the game. "Right hand green!" He seemed to be using his spinner status as a means to vent his anger.

We dropped in a flash, practically racing for the polka dots.

"I see you're going for the easy ones, cucumber head," I laughed mockingly.

"Cucumber…_what?!_ Oh, it's so on now, girlie!" His eyes narrowed in concentration as Sanzo flicked the spinner once more and let it slowly land on the next command.

"Right foot yellow!" the monk growled. Never in all my years playing Twister had I seen someone spin so angrily. It was almost as if, to Sanzo, it was more than just a Twister spinner. To him it was the Wheel of Fate, twirling and twirling, slowly spiraling toward the loser's doom and the winner's glorious victory.

Like caffeinated spiders scrambling for shelter from the rain, Gojyo and I battled on for nearly half an hour, both of us gaining and losing ground in spurts until, rather suddenly, Sanzo seemed to realize what he was doing.

"What the fuck?" The priest dropped the spinner and glared at the motley crew before him.

I looked up from my crablike position beside the cockroach who, naturally, was positioned like the very creature for which he'd been nicknamed. "What? Spin already!"

"Spin?" He looked back to the fallen cardboard square, then back to us. "That thing?"

"Yeah, give it a twirl!" I waved one arm for him to hurry. My upper arm strength had never been the best.

His eyes narrowed to antagonistic violet slits. "No. If you're so demented that you find it necessary to take advantage of me while I'm drunk, then I think I'll decide on my own who does what."

"Whatever! Just call something!" Gojyo shouted.

Sanzo's eye twitched. "Where the hell is Hakkai? He never would have let you morons do this."

I snapped, "Dammit, it's not like it's hard! Fine, we'll switch to Deathmatch Mode. You point to a limb and a dot and tell us exactly where to put our extremities! Just hurry!"

He blinked, then slowly turned to me. "Any limb on any spot, huh?" There was something dangerous glinting in his gaze, but I wasn't about to let a monk scare me out of Twister.

"Yeah. You pick, we move."

Konran started pacing restlessly, glancing every so often at the battleground, before continuing on his trek back and forth across the floor. It almost sounded like he was muttering "not him" over and over uinder his breath…but I didn't have time to let him distract me.

Sanzo finally appeared to come to a conclusion and pointed at a spot beneath me. "Fine. Cockroach, left hand here. Stray, put your right foot there. You, left foot there. You, right hand there. This here. This here. That there. That one there…" and so on and so forth, until it had become a game of Pretzelmania, rather than Twister.

"Oww, get off my arm!" the kappa shouted from above.

I elbowed him in the chest. "Shut up, whiner! Your leg's digging into my hip!"

"Left hand here," Sanzo commanded, pointing authoritatively at the green dot on the other side of the mat, where Gojyo couldn't possibly reach.

"What?! Are you out of your goddamn mind?!" he cried.

**_BANG!_** A smoking hole appeared before the kappa's left hand, close enough to sprinkle bits of black soot on his fingertips. "Move your fucking hand." Well, at least he was enjoying himself now…

"Okay, just a sec!" Gojyo turned to me. "Lydia, you get on top and I'll get on the bottom. I can't reach otherwise."

"Hell no, pervert! If you can't get to it, just give up and at least maintain some semblance of dignity!" I shot back in irritation. "If you lose, you get to pick who goes in next anyway, and you get the spinner's job, too. Just give it up!"

He frowned, clearly considering it and looking at all the other potential players. (Yumoa was still dozing like a puppy in the sun, utterly unaffected by the chaotic game and the gunshots.)

"Well?" Sanzo pulled the hammer back with a loud click and smirked almost maniacally.

Gojyo sighed, then put on a brave face and stood suddenly. "I give up. Lydia wins."

_**BANG!**_

"Augh!" The water sprite dove back to the mat, crushing me under his weight. "Goddammit, Sanzo, I gave up already!" he cried shrilly.

"Fucking useless," the monk muttered, stashing the gun in his belt and walking away in an irritated huff.

After a moment I coughed, "Hey…you're squishing…my pancreas."

"Oh, sorry," he chuckled shakily, getting to his feet again and helping me up.

"Ass-hat," I grumbled, stretching my cramped limbs out in preparation for the next match. "No waiting. Who's my next opponent, cockroach?"

Slowly, he grinned. "Now, is this Deathmatch or Battle Royale?"

"You pick. I'm game."

His grin widened further, disconcerting me just a little. "Konran?"

"What!?" the god gave a start and nearly tripped over his own, pacing feet.

Gojyo turned his evil little grin on Chaos. "You're the next opponent."

"Eh?" His glowing eyes flicked to me, then to the kappa again. "Wait, with _her?!"_

I frowned, folding my arms across my stomach in indignation. "You got a problem with that, ass-hat?"

"No! I mean…yes! No, wait…how can I do that?!" he babbled only semi-coherently.

"Get on the mat, pansy," I ordered, pointing at the polka dots in all seriousness. "This isn't just a game anymore. It's war."

"But that's insane!" he argued uselessly.

I snorted, "Did you actually expect sanity from the clinically insane? On the floor pretty-boy. You're mine now."

* * *

**_(Seimei Meets the Monk)_**

"_Give me whatever will render me unconscious," Sanzo ordered the bartender, suddenly finding himself back at the diner's liquor store. While the wizened old man chuckled mysteriously and rummaged through a cabinet cloaked in a thin mat of dust, the monk muttered curses under his breath, dreading the hangover he would suffer upon waking up, yet really not giving a damn anymore. Missions, missions, missions. He was about ready to kill everyone, Makai Tenjyo his way to India, kick Gyumaoh's ass five ways to the year 2010, and retire from this mentally trying job of his. Maybe move to the North Pole after everything, just to be sure that he was as far from human civilization as physically possible._

_Of course, knowing his luck, Santa Claus would end up as his neighbor and come over **every single day**, asking to borrow random lawn implements until Sanzo's garage was completely devoid of tools. **THEN WHAT?! **He'd be trapped within an unbreakable cycle of irritation and rage, ever-ready for the moment when he would snap in half and go on an elf-slash-reindeer-slash-Santa-killing spree!_

_Meanwhile, at a table near the diner's front window, the sly-eyed minion of Dr. Hwan studied the priest in curiosity, wondering how powerful this mere human really was. He'd heard stories, but in person, the monk seemed a little…small. Seimei was taller by at least three inches._

"_He doesn't look all that tough," the test tube minion muttered, getting up from his table and going over to the bar. He took a stool one seat away from the priest, and waited patiently for the bartender to finish making the drink Sanzo had ordered._

_No one seemed to notice that the drink had begun evolving an orange-brown vapor, suggesting that perhaps the old man had mistaken a jug of nitric acid for a bottle of malt whiskey, and was now creating poisonous gas. However, considering the old man's odd, wicked chortles, **he** certainly knew that what he was concocting was quite likely detrimental to the chemical equilibrium meticulously maintained within the human body._

_There were two possible outcomes: A) Sanzo's internal organs would melt into a gooey, unrecognizable paste; or B) The priest would fall into a deep coma._

'_But enough of that,' Seimei thought to himself, turning to the monk. "Hey, you look horrible. Are you feeling alright?" he asked, deadpan._

_Sanzo actually flinched, but covered it up with an artful folding of his arms and glared at the earnest young man out of the corner of his eye. "What do you want?"_

_Seimei grinned. "Aw, don't be like that! I'm askin' you how you feel. You're s'posed to answer, 'I feel fine, thank you,' or 'I feel like small animals are slowly eating their way through my intestinal tract,'" he imitated gruffly. "You might actually feel better after talking."_

_Sanzo's eyes narrowed so much that he would have gotten the same effect with just closing them entirely. "You're the absolute last person I want to be dealing with right now, got that? Go play you're little games somewhere far, far away from me."_

_As he finished speaking, the bartender set the violently orange alcoholic (?) drink before him on the countertop and said, a little too seriously for someone serving a beverage, "Drink it in your room. This one's on me."_

_The blond eyed the bubbling, neon orange concoction in mild concern, but in the end decided that if it looked **this** questionable, it was certain to knock him out cold for at least a day. Having already made up his mind, he grabbed the glass and made for the stairs._

"_Bye, bye, Sanzo!" Seimei called, waving happily._

_Sanzo grunted and stomped off, eager to get away from the constant buzzing of these insects which seemed to swarm him whenever he sat in one spot for too long. At least this time the Stray wouldn't be able to coerce him into anything he didn't want to do._

* * *

_**(Konran's Dilemma)**_

_According to common knowledge, gods were powerful beings with the ability to bend fate and rule with a firm yet gentle hand over the mortals of the world._

_On the contrary, Konran felt none of these things. Actually, all he really felt was utter terror._

_If he played Twister with Lydia, then…_

_He closed his eyes tightly and willed the depraved thoughts out of his traitorous mind._

"_Ah, visualizing your conquest, I see," the girl mused in approval, making him look up in surprise. "That's the best way to win a war. Just picture victory, and fight with that glorious image in your mind. That's why Caesar kicked ass, y'know."_

"_Ah, y-yes," the Chaos god stammered warily, both relieved and disappointed all at once._

"_Whatever!" Goku chuckled. "Lydia's gotta win, cause then I hafta beat her!"_

_Lydia smirked at the grinning monkey sitting Indian-style on the floor beside Yumoa's couch. "Yeah, you keep thinking that you can beat the Master," she taunted. "Bring it on, monkey-boy."_

_Goku grinned. "Oh, yeah. You can count on that."_

"_Yeah, well you have to beat the god, first. Hurry your ass up, Konran," Gojyo interrupted, a little more forceful than he usually was. "We ain't got all day. Lydia's waiting."_

_The god didn't like the way Gojyo was talking. Not one bit. In fact, if he'd been any more forceful, he would have been beating the Chaos god to a pulp and mercilessly dragging him onto the mat._

"_But I don't really…" Konran began, only to be cut off by Lydia._

"_Shut it, god-boy," she ordered. "If you know what's good for you, you'll take your place. You already said you would play, now let's play."_

"_But…!"_

"_Right foot yellow!" Gojyo shouted._

_Instantly, Lydia's foot was on the sickly yellow spot on the floor, and she was glaring at him as though his refusal to play would result in an Armageddon of sorts._

'_This is all mother's fault,' Konran thought to himself angrily as he at last gave up and placed his black-socked foot on the mat._

"_That's better," Gojyo chuckled. He seemed to have taken on some sort of Perversion Sensor, because the laughing grin on his face suggested to Kon that perhaps the kappa knew exactly what kinds of sick thoughts were going through the god's head at that very moment. "Konran? Put your left foot there." He pointed to the red spot closest to Chaos._

_He placed his foot while simultaneously cursing his utter lack of good fortune._

_After about fifteen minutes of Gojyo's directions, Goku at last spoke up, hiding the flush of pink crawling up his neck:_

"_Uh, hey, Gojyo, what are you doing?"_

_The kappa laughed mercilessly and pointed to Lydia. "Right hand…here."_

"_Hey, yeah, I'm beginning to think you're up to something," Lydia muttered, propping her hand up on Konran's other side._

_Konran, while pretending that he was in England, marveled to himself at the fact that the girl was so painfully naïve that she hadn't noticed anything amiss earlier._

_His surprise was almost enough to chase away the lecherous thoughts crowding his aching head, but not really. If they'd been naked, other, **far** more surprising things could have been going on._

_However, much to his chagrin, nobody was naked, and he was about ready to commit suicide via toaster in the bath. He hoped silently that Sanzo would come back unreasonably angry for no apparent reason and shoot him in the head to cheer himself up. Actually, it might even cheer them **both** up._

"_My arms hurt," was the god's only complaint. He was far too busy thinking of cold places and tragic occurrences to pay much more attention than that._

"_**OH MY BOB, ARE YOU GUYS HAVING SEX?!" **someone screamed out of absolutely nowhere._

_Konran and Lydia both gave a start, and toppled over at the same time, with Kon on top and Lyds underneath._

_The situation actually looked even more compromising after this._

"_Yumoa, why must you scream like that?!" Lydia demanded in irritation._

"_I'LL KILL HIM!" Konran declared simultaneously. He attempted to leap up and throttle his cousin until Comedy was good and dead—despite being immortal—but before he could do anything, Lydia tackled him back to the mat, pinning his hands to the floor and glaring at him. He stared up in surprise—and just a **little** joy. "What are you doing?" he asked, trying not to sound like he was choking on his own tongue._

"_Don't get pissed at him," she replied sternly. "He's innocent. Blame the kappa." _

"_Hey!" protested the aforementioned kappa, whom they pointedly ignored. _

"_Or blame me for letting the kappa be the caller," she added after a brief consideration._

_Yet again, Konran was surprised that Lydia didn't seem to find any of this embarrassing. He was also disappointed, because this meant that she still saw him as furniture—no, worse: **LAWN** furniture!_

_He would have cried in frustration, but he didn't because he doubted that such behavior would warrant him any merit with the girl._

_There was a sound in the hall, and Hakkai was suddenly there as well, with Kyohei and Sunako. Kyohei looked like a train wreck, Sunako was perfectly fine, and Hakkai merely looked a bit frazzled._

"_Oh, my. What happened here?" Hakkai asked in surprise. He saw Lydia and Konran, and fought not to smile. "Is this a fight or are you playing that game again?"_

"_It's Twister," Goku replied, saving everyone from having to explain what was **really** going on._

_However, naturally, Yumoa ruined it._

"_I think they were doing it, but I'm not sure!" the young god added helpfully._

_Hakkai's mouth twitched, and the two kids actually gaped at the forthright Comedy god. "I see," murmured Hakkai. He turned to the other two. "Come on, now. Let's go get cleaned up for dinner. I also have to go tell Sanzo that I got absolutely no shopping done. I think I heard him coughing in his room…"_

_Konran frowned at the back of Hakkai's head briefly, silently thanking the former-human for not dragging out the embarrassment, then dropped his head to the floor and closed his eyes, pretending that he was in Antarctica, naked, on an iceberg. It was the one image which protected him from **other** thoughts._

"_Crap, there goes the game," Lydia sighed, going limp with exhaustion…**on top of Kon.**_

_Kon's eyes snapped open and gaped at Lydia's dark hair, just below his chin. Her face was buried against his chest, and her shoulders rose and fell as she breathed softly. "Um…Lydia…you're still on me…" he ventured cautiously, feeling a terrifying warmth working its way down his spine and toward places where it had no business going._

"_I'm beat," she muttered, utterly ignorant of Konran's dilemma. "If you wanna get up, you gotta carry me, 'cause I'm not moving. I'm freezing, and you're warm."_

_Gojyo had veritably kidnapped Goku by this point, and the two had escaped the inn altogether with the promise of hot fresh meat buns as a snack. Comedy had gone off to his room to dig out a DVD to watch in the snowed-in Land Rover. Sanzo was effectively unconscious two rooms down, with a fretful Hakkai right beside him intently studying the empty glass of what smelled suspiciously like anti-freeze and drain cleaner._

_Kon was alone in the battle for his sanity…and the sad thing was he wanted to lose._

* * *

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

"_I don't care about what you **think** happened," Lord Kougaiji was snapping impatiently at the lieutenant reporting the result of the castle search, his trailing white coat flaring as he stepped forward threateningly. "Search the wastelands if you have to! Scour the entire country and find that missing experiment!"_

_The lieutenant was understandably put-out by the prince's uncharacteristic, taking it as a sign that other, more pressing matters were at the heart of the incident, and uttered a clumsy "yes, sir" before whipping around to order his troops to organize a wide-scale search party. In his hand he clutched a worn, tattered parchment with a description of the escapee._

"_It's not like you to get so snippy with the soldiers," Dokugakuji observed soberly from behind while Yaone remained silent, wringing her hands anxiously._

"_The doctor just woke up," Kougaiji explained shortly, letting out a ragged sigh. "Apparently, the one that got away was supposed to go last, and was also the strongest of the three. She was supposed to have placed a number of locks on it to prevent it from going strange, but since it escaped while she was unconscious it's out there now, causing who knows what kind of trouble." He frowned in consternation at a beetle crawling across the cold stone floor, easily visible to his eyes even in the dim lamplight of the corridor. _

"_How powerful are we talking?" the swordsman inquired cautiously, wary of raising the prince's anxiety further._

_Kougaiji looked up slowly, studying both of them before dropping his eyes back to the beetle. "It's as powerful as a god," he whispered coldly. "She says it was made with a mixture of DNA from Homura and someone else."_

_Yaone's wide eyes widened even further, catching glints of copper light from the nearby lamp. "A war god? Here? Again?" She was having understandable difficulty in reconciling the truth of the matter. Homura the god of war had been a nightmare, practically decimating the youkai forces by strength of will alone. After that, Konran the Greek god of Chaos had veritably taken over the castle under his sister's command, ruling with a cruel hand that even Lady Koushu would have found difficult to match._

_And now…another one like those two had broken its way into their world…and as the result of their own meddling, no less!_

"_Well, damn. Should we go tell Sanzo?" Doku asked almost conversationally, trying to lighten the grave mood which had befallen the other two._

_Kougaiji glared at him, then the glare cracked a little, then completely. It faded to a weary smolder as he raised his head proudly and squared his shoulders._

"_Yaone," he said, taking command._

_She looked up in curiosity, "Yes, my Lord?"_

_He shook his head as if he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "Go secure Lirin then bring a pair of dragons around. It may again be time for a visit to the Sanzo party. I hate to admit it, but we can't let this crisis go unchecked, and those four might be necessary."_

"_Yes, my Lord." Yaone bowed deeply, then hurried off to find out where Lirin had stashed herself away._

_The prince watched her disappear around one of the many twists in the passage, then muttered exasperatedly under his breath, "I wish she would just call me Kougaiji."_

_Doku chuckled and patted his back in a brotherly manner. "Good luck with that, Skinny."_

* * *

_**(Elsewhere in Houtou Castle)**_

_Somewhere in the maze of ducts and pipes which made up Houtou Castle's ventilation system Lirin was squatted in front of a pipe which was too small to fit through, but just large enough to carry the echoes of her brother's words. She sneered in irritation at the mention of her being left behind while the other three went off to have fun._

"_Well…it looks like I'll have to give myself up…" she muttered thoughtfully. She knew that there was a lot of scary stuff going on, and that she didn't want to put anyone in danger by delaying her brother and Yaone and Doku. **However**, she was far craftier than she let on, and a slow smile spread across her face as she came up with a plan to escape after the other three were well on their way._

"_All right!" she giggled to herself, slipping through a nearby vent and coasting down the gentle slope toward her room. "I'll just use the vents to get out again!"_

* * *

_**(The Inn—and More Polka Dots)**_

_Yes, Konran was still there, with Lydia, on the Twister mat. He had at last come to terms with his eternal torment, and decided that if the Fates were really so cruel, then so be it. He would die celibate—rather, as celibate as someone with his history could die._

_Despite the pain of this resolution, he felt that it was worth it. Lydia was far too precious to him to simply abandon her for some other, far less interesting woman. In fact, he had enough to deal with as it was, just keeping watch over her. The addition of a romantic relationship would make things almost freakishly complicated._

_Yes, this was for the best._

_She stirred restlessly and he lifted his head at the movement, frowning as she raised her head to frown right back._

"_What's wrong?" he asked, feeling somewhat at peace now that he had made his choice._

_Her frown turned into a scowl. "You know, I never really mentioned this before, but whenever you're thinking way too much I can hear people talking in my head. It's actually worse than REASON and HATE and all the others. I never understand a word they're saying, either, 'cause it's all Greek to me."_

_He smirked despite her irritation. "I would think so. Latin came **after** the Greek."_

"_Yeah, well, shut up already! It's annoying, and I've had this weird headache for the last hour or so which does nothing to help. And damn it all, I'm freezing."_

_This time he was frowning out of worry. "It's actually quite warm in here," he remarked, sitting up at last and forcing her to get off of him._

_She shivered and shook her head. "Nuh-uh. It's damn cold."_

"_Are you sure you're not just imagining things?" He let the temperature in his hand drop to human temperature and pressed his palm to her pale forehead, under the long, trailing sable bangs. Instantly, his worry turned into fear. "Lydia, you have a horrible fever!" he gasped, pressing his fingers to her throat and cheek and nearly panicking at the absurd temperature._

_She blinked slowly. "Yeah, right. The last time I had even a cold was the first time I remember seeing you and the other Irony Gods standing beside my bed when I was seven," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "Every other time, I was sick from injuries, like when your damn cyborgs came and ripped me a new one. It's hard to stay healthy when you've nearly been eviscerated."_

_Konran didn't have time to feel the usual pang of guilt he felt whenever she brought up the awful things he had put her through. Instead, he quickly stood, swept her up into his arms, and ignored her weak, indignant protests as he rushed her into Gojyo's room, where they had all slept the past night._

_Gojyo and Goku had been in the middle of laughing hysterically as the infamous Ren Höek mistook a bar of soap for an ice cream bar, when Konran brought Lydia in shouting for Hakkai._

_Goku was the first up, instantly sensing something amiss, and in a flash he was by Lydia's side as Konran laid her down on her futon mat. "What's wrong?" he asked nervously._

"_She has a high fever," Kon muttered tightly. "Gojyo, where's Hakkai?"_

"_I'll go get him," the kappa said, already out the door._

_Moments later, Hakkai was upstairs, trailing behind the water sprite and entering upon a hectic scene that only the god of Chaos himself could have started. He actually had to yell before every one froze in their tracks, surprised at the friendly youkai's commanding tone._

"_Now," he said, much more politely, "Konran, what happened?"_

"_**I. AM. FINE!**" Lydia declared before the god could utter a word._

"_Shut up!" Konran snapped, clamping his hand over her mouth to prevent further interruptions. There was something to be said for an illness which prevented the mighty Lydia herself from beating back the god of Chaos. Not even debilitating bodily injury had held her prone two years ago._

"_Well?" Hakkai pressed, kneeling beside the futon._

"_She said she had a headache, and when I felt her head she had a fever. It's at least a hundred and two by my estimations," god at last explained. "And I think it's going up."_

_Hakkai felt her forehead as well and murmured in surprise, "How is she still conscious?"_

_Konran gave a derisive snort. "You do recall how she was after the mutant youkai attacked her, don't you? She's not exactly fragile."_

"_That doesn't mean it's any less dangerous," Hakkai muttered. He turned to Goku and Gojyo, who were sitting on the floor, awaiting orders. Yumoa was revealed behind them as a bundle of blankets, carefree as can be, and giggling as Ren sunk into the depths of Space Madness on the tiny DVD player's screen. "Gojyo, go to the innkeeper and ask him if he has any medicine to help bring a fever down. Goku, get some ice and water from the kitchen. Quickly!"_

_They were off like a shot, leaving Chaos rather impressed with how Hakkai was capable of handling a situation even without the leader of the group. Kon removed his hand from Lydia's mouth and she merely glared at him._

"_I'm sorry," he muttered to her. "This is for your own good."_

"_I'm f-friggin c-c-cold!" she replied, shuddering under the woolen blanket. A light dew of cold sweat had at last broken out across her forehead, yet she remained as self-possessed as ever. "Get under here. You're warm."_

_Konran looked to Hakkai, and the youkai nodded slightly. "The ice will bring the fever down, but she'll be more comfortable if she's warm. The company might not be a bad thing, either." A tiny, knowing smile turned up one corner of his mouth._

"_What th-th-the hell are you b-ba-babbling about-t?!" Lydia demanded impatiently, seemingly shaking her own bones out of place. "Kon, I'm cold!" Her hand shot out from under the cover, clutching the god's hand tightly and trembling like an uncertain leaf. While her forehead had been hot, her hand was like ice. Capriciousness seemed to be her one permanent trait._

_For the first time ever, Konran saw her and thought that she looked utterly fragile. Without even thinking, he slipped under the covers and let her cling tightly to his body heat, sitting up and cradling her in his lap like something breakable. "Will she be all right?" he asked the emerald-eyed youkai in apprehension. Her shaking was making him tremble as well._

_Hakkai's smile was tight, but confident. "As soon as we break the fever, she'll be fine. After that, we should see to finding out why she's sick in the first place. To my knowledge, an illness this severe doesn't come without some sort of warning, and certainly would never leave her perfectly sensible."_

"_Okay…" The god nodded and looked at Lydia's shivering frame, wrapping the blanket tightly around her shoulders. After a moment of hesitation, and a flare of flickering hope, he rested his chin on her head and closed his eyes, waiting for the kappa and monkey to return._

* * *

_**(The Heavens)**_

"_Well, I never saw that coming," Venus pouted as she tried to interpret the shifting images in the lotus pond. "Was that you?" She turned to Kanzeon Bosatsu in curiosity, the dangling jewels in her ears tinkling like wind chimes._

_Kannon propped her chin on a fist and smirked. "Actually, no. I think it has something to do with that one over there." Vaguely, she pointed to a general area about three feet from the edge of the pool._

_Venus' lips formed a thin line as she frowned at the distorted image there. "Well I'll be…that's the one that escaped, is it?"_

_The goddess chuckled and nodded, grinning now. "This one should spice things up a whole lot. And, with just the right assistance, we might be able to turn things in Konran's favor."_

"_Really? Yes!" The Love goddess clapped her hands enthusiastically. "We should celebrate! I'll call Bacchus, and Hermes, and, oh! Iris should come, too! That poor girl never gets time off…"_

"_Merciful Goddess…" Jiroshin pleaded through gritted teeth, having had about as much as he could take of the ebullient, giggling goddess._

"_Oh, shut up," Kannon chided. "You can join in if you'd like."_

"_But Merciful Goddess, there's someone…" he attempted, only to be cut off by a deeply rich, feminine voice._

"_Well, if it isn't Aphrodite? I was wondering where you had gone off to."_

_Like lightning, Venus heard the voice and was suddenly on her feet, gaping in shock at the woman standing behind Kannon's chair._

_The woman sported wavy, floor-length hair like the night shot with the streaks of falling stars, with eyes like cold emeralds and lips as red as fresh blood. She was draped in a black silk tunic bound by intricate silver chains, which accentuated her ghostly white skin and eerily terrifying beauty._

_Kanzeon Bosatsu felt something familiar in the presence, and stood grandly to see who this newest intruder was._

"_Well, well," Kannon said with a curling smile, loving the bizarre twists that kept occurring. "You look like someone I know."_

_The woman smirked darkly and glanced at the pool. "Yes…and it seems my son has inherited some of my lesser qualities." Her cold, calculating gaze slid to Venus, who stood defiantly, though not without a shiver or two in reaction to the far older goddess. "Hello, neice."_

_The goddess of Love scowled slightly. "It has been a while, hasn't it, Aunt Eris?"_

* * *

**_(Author's Note)_**

_Dun dun DAAAAAH! Hot DAMN, I've been gone a long time!_

_(laugh) Ironically enough, I literally worked myself sick (on the aforementioned Bio Data Report from Hell) right after deciding that Lydia would get sick…though all I caught was the common cold…from my brother, who gets to go to the Great Lakes and see snow, the lucky bastard. I based Lydia's illness off of this bizarre repeat occurrence of insanely high fevers that I went through around this time last year. Fevers suck. They make you want your mommy, and never in all my life have I felt so freaking COLD. I seriously thought I was gonna die._

_Lucky for you all, I didn't, eh? (chuckle)_

_And there you have it: the longest damn chapter so far, and the Twister Battle I had promised you earlier, as well as some much-needed plot progression. The following chapter will get rid of Kyohei and Sunako, and proceed to bring the plot along further._

_PLEASE REVIEW, MY BELOVED READERS! Reviews make life worth living!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	8. Disruption: The Cats Exit the Bag

**The Sequel: Chapter VIII

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_Well! It certainly felt good to get that damned weight off my shoulders with chapter 7. That was one of my better chapters. I know, because I didn't feel any nausea when I posted it. Of course, that may have been due to the fact that I was under the influence of NyQuil at the time, but who am I to judge gut instinct?_

_And **Wolf**, I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to kill me. I happen to be immortal, and just think what the other readers would say if you deprived them of the rest of The Sequel? (okay, no, I'm not really immortal, though I wish I were, just so I could keep writing forever…**sigh**.)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Holy crap, that fish looks like hell. Did you stick him in a blender?"—"No. Goldfish only have a three-second memory, and the water pump has no grate."—Cyh Scævola and a Wal Mart associate_

"_Audiences know what to expect, and that is all they are prepared to believe in."—Player, Ros n Guil (I intend to prove to all of you that this particular assumption is utter bollocks—my apologies to my UK readers for the harsh language.)_

"_Your user guide is an inspired work of pure evil, and your tech-support department is an inebriated chimpanzee with a typewriter."—Dogbert (This here is all the assistance life is willing to give anybody.)_

* * *

_**Disruption: The Cats Exit the Bag **_

_**(The Heavens)**_

_In all honesty, Kannon wasn't really very surprised that Eris had decided to show up. She had read things in the older scrolls about a goddess in one of the parallel realms who loved to stir up chaos, and considering what was going on at that very moment, the imposing goddess was in her element._

_However, the Merciful Goddess couldn't help a mild wariness of the Discordian goddess. She was, after all, the mother of that troublesome Konran, and they all knew how unstable **he** was. Plus, there was the little fact that Konran seemed to think that his mother was dead._

"_What are you doing here, Eris?" Venus asked after a notably long pause._

_Strife's smirk broadened slightly at the younger goddess' fear. "I'm just checking up on how well you've raised him for me, that's all," she purred, a look of calculating malice slowly slipping into her expression. "It seems to me that you have not only taught him to live your lecherous lifestyle, but that you also haven't done as you'd sworn to me the day I gave him into your care."_

"_What oath was this?" Kannon inquired in curiosity._

_Eris frowned at her briefly, then replied dismissively, "That he may never love a human." She turned back to Venus while Kannon **hmm**-ed in thought. "What's this nonsense I hear about my Chaos falling for that little **human** girl?"_

_At last, Aphrodite found her pride and snapped back defensively, "He left us! We couldn't find him whenever he went wandering, and when I finally caught up to him here, he was like this! He's a full-fledged god now—I can't stop him on my own!"_

"_Then get his father to help."_

_The Love goddess winced and shot Strife a seething glare. "You leave my Ares out of this, Eris."_

"_Bah. You couldn't win a fight with me even if you had both Zeus and Hera backing you, you little wretch," Strife snapped right back._

"_Here's an idea," Kannon interrupted, drawing Eris' sharp glare. She wasn't afraid of the Chaos goddess, and continued smoothly, "Why don't you go down and talk to your son. He must have missed his mother, at least a little. Surely he'll listen to your reasoning." If she could get a fight started between **two** chaos gods, it might even be worth recording on Tivo! (A/N: Yes, they have Tivo hooked up to the lotus pond…as well as HBO and digital cable. Them gods be all about the Benjamins, yo!—pardon my ebonics.)_

_Unfortunately, Eris merely laughed, and its sound echoed like a hint of plague. "Are you mad?" she demanded. "My boy's just as stubborn as I am—and he wouldn't trust me anyway. He hasn't seen me in person since he was ten years old. I put him in Aphrodite's care for the simple reason that I would make a horrible mother, but I hadn't counted on the fact that perhaps Aphrodite would just botch the whole thing up. She **wants** him to fall in love, you see, and she doesn't care what the girl's blood is—so long as he loves her. My silly little niece doesn't understand that a human holds nothing over a goddess." She cast a disdainful look Venus' way, and the Love goddess smoldered in quiet rage._

_Kannon frowned then, and considered the whole affair. There had to be a way to turn this in her favor, where Konran got what he wanted, Lydia stopped being a naïve little nit, and **she** got a whole lot of entertainment to help pass the tedium of the Heavens._

_The solution appeared before her like a vision—though she was convinced that it was merely her brilliant intellect speaking up._

"_Then let's expand the competition," Kannon suggested. "Venus will work in Konran's favor and Eris will work against him."_

_Strife's eyes grew suspicious. "And what are you going to do?" she demanded harshly._

_The Merciful Goddess smirked. "Watch," she responded blandly, sitting back on her throne and resting her chin on her knuckles. _

"'_Watch'?" Eris repeated, somewhat unconvinced. "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_Venus explained for her, "She's always like that. She prefers the entertainment of how things play out over the boredom of knowing the outcome of her designs."_

"_Uh-huh…" the Chaos goddess muttered, squinting one eye at Kannon, before clapping her hands twice and conjuring a diorite throne lined with crimson silk pillows, equal in size and to the left of Kannon's. "Fine, then we shall have a little competition," she acceded, seating herself imperiously upon the throne and pointing a sharp, black-lacquered nail to the pool. "You go first, niece. I will stay and chat with Kanzeon for a bit."_

_Venus hastily obeyed, and while the goddess was gone and the other two remained to discuss the different aspects of either realm, Jiroshin quietly made himself scarce, refusing to tolerate any more of this insanity unless there was an emergency. Besides, there was a show he had recorded, on pottery, and he was eager to learn._

_All praise the Tivo!_

_(A/N: I'd like to explain that I desperately want Tivo, or at least a DVR, but my patriarchs are far too miserly to provide it. This is my way of venting my disappointment.)_

* * *

**_(The Pretense of Calm)_**

_Understandably, Konran was at his wits' end. He'd never seen Lydia like this, and though it normally wouldn't have been **too** worrisome, the fact that she had actually gone completely unconscious—not **sub**conscious, mind you—veritably scared the hell out of him._

_He preferred being able to at least talk to her while she was out, but it simply wasn't possible at the moment._

"_What am I going to do?!" he shouted at the window, only briefly noting that the falling evening snow had become a torrential downpour._

"_Please get a hold of yourself," Hakkai requested passively, attempting to instill at least a little bit of his own patience into the fretful god of Chaos. The rain wasn't helping him, but he knew he had to maintain a neutral façade for Kon's sake. Otherwise, the god would simply break down._

_Konran turned and stared at the unconscious girl shivering under the bedcovers—Gojyo had obligingly relinquished the bed—and shook his head slowly. "I just…can't. She's mortal, Hakkai. She could die…"_

"_Don't be an idiot!" Gojyo snorted with a wily smirk. "Do you seriously think that after all the shit she's been through, a stupid fever's gonna take her down? 'Sides, you have unfinished business." He and Yumoa were at the table watching DVDs on the little player to pass the time, and Goku had gone to get more ice for the melted pack on the girl's forehead._

_The two kids, Kyohei and Sunako, had opted to stay downstairs until Konran was done agonizing like a little emo boy. Good call._

_Yumoa perked up at Gojyo's words, and grinned at his cousin. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot that you **really like** her!"_

"_Eh?!" Gojyo gaped at the frosty-headed god in utter shock. "You knew the whole time?!"_

_Yumoa's ember eyes rolled to the ceiling. "Well, duhhhh. How obvious can he be? He's been watching her since she was a baby, and he used to think of her as his little…"_

"_Shut up, you fool!" Kon interrupted in the nick of time._

"_Ohhh. Oops." Comedy laughed a little sheepishly and skipped a few years forward. "Anyway, now that she's all grown up Kon **wants **her, y'know?" He poked at the kappa with his elbow and winked._

_The kappa was effectively floored. "You actually think about that kind of stuff?"_

"_I never would have expected that," Hakkai admitted, rather surprised as well._

_Comedy shrugged. "I don't, but I'm not **stupid**. Personally, I think it's a waste of time, but I'm not one to impose my views on others. Plus, I'm okay with whatever makes Kon happy, 'cause we're best friends!"_

_Konran folded his arms and dropped into one of the chairs. "Yumoa, if you had any real ambition, you would be very dangerous," he sighed._

"_What? I have ambition! I want to see Cirque du Soleil in person!"_

"_And that would be…?" the cockroach pressed in curiosity. He wanted to know what motivated this whack-job._

"_A circus. He wants to go to a circus," Chaos muttered._

"_That's…not ambition," Hakkai chuckled, scratching his head. "That's more like something a child would want, like ice-cream or a new toy."_

_Yumoa hugged Borg Bunny Bob in his haphazard pouch and frowned. "Then what's ambition? And do you have any ice cream? 'Cause I want some now."_

_Chaos could see that this was just going to snowball into a runaway train of thought, and wisely interjected, "Go downstairs and help the monkey with the ice, and see if they have ice-cream. Lydia might want some when she wakes up. After that, get Kyohei and Sunako and bring them upstairs. Since I'll just worry myself to death sitting here, I might as well keep busy and send those two back now."_

"_Roger!" And like the wind, Yumoa had gone to do his cousin's bidding—barefoot, of course._

"_He's even stranger than Lydia," Gojyo remarked in awe of the young god's thought processes._

"_Like a child who knows way too much," Kon agreed, sighing again and frowning at Lydia. She was completely out. This conversation never would have escaped her otherwise._

_Hakkai saw the god starting to sink back into his cycle of depression, and said gently, "Don't worry. She'll be fine."_

"_Yeah," Gojyo added with a nod. "We should actually be using this time to strategize over how you're going to get her to notice you."_

"_Lawn furniture doesn't get noticed," Kon replied tightly._

"_Bah. There has to be something that we haven't considered. I mean, she treats you like a subordinate! What you really need to focus on is a way to one-up her. You've gotten pretty spineless since the last time we saw you."_

"_Gojyo…" the other youkai said warningly. "This really is not the time for this kind of discussion."_

"_Oh, c'mon, Hakkai! You're smart! You should be helping, too!" the kappa defended. "We need him to do his job here and fix whatever the hell is making this weather go crazy. Just look out the window! Rain?! It was snowing an hour ago, and now it's not! And what about the kids who got teleported here for no reason? This isn't right, and if Konran's gonna be able to do anything about it, he can't be acting like a lovesick puppy the whole time. He's pretty much useless right now."_

_Kon twitched in irritation. **Lovesick puppy? …USELESS!?** "Gojyo, I'm right here…"_

_He laughed mockingly, "Oh? And what are you going to do? Hit me? No, you need my help, and you know better than the rest of us that this thing with Lydia is totally screwing you up. Nothing will work out unless you're focusing all of your attention on your **job**."_

_Chaos hated to admit weakness, but the kappa was right. At the moment, what he wanted to do and what he **had** to do were on opposite ends of the spectrum. He never was one to stick with orders unless he felt like sticking with them, and right now all he felt like doing was crawling into a cave and dying quietly._

_A bundle of sheets on the second bed squirmed slightly and made a soft noise, and Konran frowned at it. "What was that?"_

_Hakkai smiled. "Hakuryu is resting. I'm sure Sanzo will want to leave as soon as he wakes up, and the inn doesn't allow pets, so I'm having him keep a low profile until we go."_

"_Ah." The little dragon made Chaos wonder about how Rhadymanthus was doing. He was sure to swear up a storm the moment he saw Konran. In fact, it might be prudent to bring the bird over as quickly as possible, since Rhad had impeccable senses when it came to the actions of gods, and the bizarre goings-on were very likely the result of divine interventions._

_As luck would have it, Yumoa and Goku returned only moments later, carrying far too much ice and leading in the two kids._

"_I hope we got enough!" Yumoa laughed cheerily to the monkey. Upon closer inspection, about fifty percent of the "ice" was actually ice cream._

_Konran dreaded the impending sugar rush which Comedy would inevitably have._

"_Can you really eat that much ice cream in one sitting?" Gojyo asked slowly, eyeing the mountain of cartons like the plague._

_Yumoa grinned and scoffed, "You would be **shocked** at what I am capable of."_

"_Yeah, actually, he would," Konran added impatiently, getting up and preparing himself for transporting the kids back to their dimension. "Kyohei, Sunako, please come here."_

_But though Kyohei was more than ready to go home, the vaguely creepy girl had found her way to Lydia's bedside, and stared at her as though watching a car crash._

"_Uh, Sunako?" Konran repeated, getting a bad feeling all of a sudden. He went over to where she stood and looked back and forth between the two girls. "Come on. I'm sending you home. I'm sorry, but she's not well enough to say goodbye."_

"_Is she dying?" the girl replied, totally ignoring everything else the god had said._

_The question sent a stab of pain through him, and he frowned hard at Lydia's damp forehead. Her breathing was shallow and labored, and even ice seemed to have very little effect on her temperature._

"_I hope not," Konran whispered, gently tugging the girl away. "She needs to rest, and you need to get home. Let's go."_

_Pouting in apparent disappointment that Lydia **wasn't** dying, Sunako at last gave in and followed with a sigh. "I wanted to see a real corpse," she lamented airily._

_Nope. Konran did **not** want this strange girl anywhere near the one person he valued more than anything in existence._

"_What do we have to do?" Kyohei demanded, upfront. "Is it going to hurt? 'Cause last time hurt, and I sure as hell don't feel like getting dropped from the sky again." He was a rather imposing young man, wasn't he?_

_Kon sighed to himself. "My method is much less traumatic than the random act which brought you here," he assured both of them. He directed them to stand before the full-length mirror, concentrated, and made a discreet motion with one hand toward the reflective glass._

_Instantly, the glass blew outward in a starburst of neon blue and silver light, but before reaching them, it imploded and formed a swirling vortex of silent color and illumination. After a few seconds, it settled down to a gentle swirl and seemed to wait for further instructions._

"_Okay," Kon said to the two kids, brushing his hands together and maintaining the wormhole. "Now the way this works is you have to step in and concentrate on where you want to go. It's all thought-activated, so pick a location familiar to you. Understand?"_

"_Yeah, I got it," Kyohei said with a nod. "Thanks for the help. I hope I never see you again."_

"_Likewise," Konran replied with a smirk._

_At that, the boy stepped forward and simply vanished the moment he touched the swirling light._

"_Hey, if she dies, could you send me pictures of the body for my collection?" Sunako requested after a long, thoughtful pause. Her expression was dead serious—no pun intended._

_Kon winced and pointed hastily toward the mirror vortex. "No, I will not! She is **not** going to die, so go home and keep your hobby far away from me!" he snapped, shocked that anyone could ask such a frightening question._

_Sunako took his measure briefly, squinted after a bit, and finally pinched the bridge of her nose. "Too bright…" she muttered, shaking her head and walking into the light before vanishing as Kyohei had._

_For some reason, that girl seriously unnerved Chaos. _

_But despite his discomfort he focused again, on Rhadymanthus this time, and felt the bird's wild protests as it was sucked into the portal on the other side and ejected out the Togenkyo end._

_He shot across the room, hit the wall, and slid slowly down like a Looney Toon character. Once on the floor, the large, glossy black bird twitched slightly and let out a tiny cough, "I hate you." All but Konran and Yumoa watched the bird in apparent concern._

"_Welcome back, Rhad," Kon replied, and he shut the wormhole down with a motion opposite to the one which had opened the thing. He sighed. He would probably be happier dead._

"_Kon, want some ice cream?" Yumoa offered brightly, appearing at his side with flame-like eyes flickering in joy and holding up a bowl filled with chocolate ice cream. Gojyo, Hakkai, and Goku had suddenly found that the bird needed immediate coddling, and were busily avoiding Konran to tend to Rhad's every whim—which was exactly what Rhad needed to cheer **him** up. Only Comedy had the lack of judgment necessary to know that Chaos was in a dour mood._

_Or perhaps Comedy was completely aware of that fact, and simply wanted to make his best friend feel better._

_After a thought, Konran nodded soberly and took the bowl before dragging a chair to Lydia's bedside and sitting rather gloomily, eating his ice cream and imagining worst-case scenarios. Seeing as how he was a Chaos god, it was all he could think about until the fever broke._

* * *

_**(Sanzo's Room—6 AM)**_

_When Sanzo awoke, it was with a splitting headache like no other. His entire body screamed in protest at the mere thought of regaining consciousness, and his internal organs felt like a single cohesive lump of dead meat._

_To this he remarked in irritation, "Shit."_

_What the hell had the bartender put in that drink to make him feel this much discomfort? It was worse than just a hangover—it felt like a flesh-eating disease!_

_Automatically, his hand reached up to the darkened windowsill and clasped his cigarettes and lighter and just barely managed the coordination to light up and take that first, glorious breath of smoke._

_The pain eased in the presence of nicotine, and after a minute of struggle he managed to force himself upright and look out the window._

_Rain._

"_Shit," he repeated, this time with much more feeling. Like hell he was going out in a downpour this early in the morning while his body felt like a lead weight. The clock read six, yet even the aggravatingly cheerful Hakkai was still out like a light on the other bed._

_Sanzo saw no point at all in even bothering to get up._

_Begrudging the universe for being stupid, he finished the cigarette, stubbed it out, and fell back asleep, only somewhat sensing that something troublesome was approaching, but in no mood to give a damn._

_Sleep first—**then** beat the shit out of the enemy._

………………………………………………………………………

**(Lydia's Room—Simultaneously)**

Slowly, I felt myself rising from whatever the hell was wrong with me, gradually escaping the fine threads of sleep which had held me prone for longer than I could recall.

I was still cold, but not because I felt ill.

Groggy yet curious, I rolled over and found myself alone in a bed, not on my futon.

Well, this was a shock. Maybe the redheaded kappa _wasn't_ a total ass.

Then I realized why I was cold, and left sleep's last remaining tendrils behind to sit up precariously and look around, wavering slightly from fatigue.

It was dark, with only the barest orange glow coming from a lantern out in front of the inn. Pattering, rushing sounds of rain filled the room and made the darkness feel claustrophobic and lonely.

"Konran?" I croaked at length, surprised at how dry my throat was.

Suddenly, twin pinpoints of glowing blue-green light appeared before me, and after a moment my eyes adjusted enough to see that it was Kon. He had been resting with his head on his arms at the bedside.

"Lydia, you're awake!" he whispered, sounding unreasonably happy.

I blinked slowly, still feeling sluggish, and nodded. "Water…my throat's…dry," I managed, before coughing hoarsely and collapsing back onto the pillow in exhaustion, breathing hard. How long had I been sleeping to leave me so worn out?

There was a clinking noise and the sound of water closer than the rain, before a warm hand touched my cheek and helped me lift my head enough to drink. Even that was tiring.

"Better," I sighed afterwards, panting slightly from the effort of simply moving but enjoying the smooth feel of liquids in my system.

"You're still warm," Chaos murmured, pressing the back of his hand to my forehead. "How do you feel?" His voice was soothing enough to ward off some of the chill.

"Cold…and dead," I grumbled, reaching up and taking his hand to warm up my own freezing digits. His skin was almost shockingly soft, as though it hadn't aged a day since he was born. Of course, since he was a god, it wasn't all that surprising after I thought about it.

He was quiet for a moment before muttering, "Please don't joke. You really scared me, Lydia."

I frowned at his tone, but decided not to address it. Instead, I asked after a pause, "Why aren't you in bed? Don't tell me you were sleeping in a chair."

I could sense the air currents when he shook his head, and his almost sweet, natural scent put my aching muscles at ease like some sort of drug. Smelling good must have been a deity thing. "I haven't slept yet. I was waiting for you to wake up."

Odd. Since when was a fever that big a deal? …But no matter.

"Well, get in now. I'm awake, but I'm still tired, and it's cold without you." I yawned widely and felt Sleep tugging on my lids.

I must have nodded off for a moment, because when I came to, Chaos was already under the blanket with me, and I was curled up in a ball with my face buried against his solid chest and my hands gripping his shirt. Kon was so warm, and a nice guy, too. Instantly, I felt better.

"Thanks, Chaos," I muttered, fading out again.

"I'll always be here for you, whenever you want me," he murmured in vacant reply, slipping a hand beneath my hair and rubbing comforting circles behind my ear with his thumb. He seemed almost as tired as I felt.

And there it was again, the sense that I was missing something important, but I was so tired, and it was so relaxing to have Kon there to tend to my convalescent needs that I fell back asleep before my brain had time to kick its processes into a high enough gear to figure anything out.

_What a soft-headed little girl you are,_ remarked an unfamiliar echo in my mind, just before I faded completely.

* * *

**(Late Morning)**

"No, seriously, how does that little thing work?" Gojyo repeated, setting down his tea and puffing on his cigarette.

Yumoa sighed in exasperation, still barefoot and wearing his baby blue duckie-print pajamas even though I had told him twice now that he had to change into his day-clothes. To this he had responded that he liked his duckies, and Bob liked the duckies, and that was final. The guy was utterly hopeless.

"Okay, so the pretty rainbow disc goes in here," he explained slowly, demonstrating with the tiny DVD player he had brought. He snapped the disc in and closed the lid. "The disc starts to spin **_really, really fast_**, and then you press play!" He hit play, and an FBI warning came up on the screen, before fading to a menu screen and strange background music.

That music was familiar…

"Yumoa, what movie is that?" I asked slowly, leaning across the small kitchen table to peek at the screen.

He grinned and flipped it around to offer me a better view. "It's Fight Club! This movie is awesome!"

My jaw dropped, and in a flash I had confiscated the device and shut the screen tightly. "No! That is _not_ a movie for you!" I snapped, shocked that he had gotten into my special collection.

Gojyo frowned and Hakkai paused in the middle of making coffee to stare at me in mild surprise. "What? Why?" the cockroach inquired.

"Because Comedy is ridiculously impressionable, and the last thing I need him to learn is how to be a masochist!" I cried almost shrilly.

"Bah!" Yumoa interrupted, pulling the Borg bunny from its pouch around his neck and planting it firmly in the middle of the table. "Bob said it was a good movie, and I agree with Bob, and so I want permission to watch it whenever I want!"

"I said **_no_**, Yumoa!" I snapped back instantly.

"Is it really that bad?" Hakkai asked, bringing over a pitcher of coffee and setting it in front of my mug.

I nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, it is! Oh, crap, Kon's gonna throw a fit when he finds out," I gasped, suddenly grinding to a halt as I came to that little realization. Konran had been the one to declare that Comedy wasn't allowed to watch any movies rated anything above PG. My Disney collection had grown because of it.

Suddenly, a slender, pearly white hand appeared beside me to take my mug and the pitcher of coffee, and I blanched, turning my head slowly to see Chaos standing there, still in his pajamas and suffering a rather bad case of bed-head. He turned to me after pouring me some coffee, and his eyes were still tired but just as glittery as they always were.

"Who's going to throw a fit again?" he queried at length, setting the coffee on the table and grabbing some pre-prepared chocolate milk from the counter. He added it to the mug as well before setting the jug down and taking a seat beside me.

With utmost caution, I weighed my options. The kappa wasn't going to be of any use if Kon got mad at me, and Hakkai was just likely to try and make everyone friends again, which was the absolute wrong strategy when it came to my roommate.

"Well, you see…Yumoa got a hold of Fight Club somehow," I at last replied, figuring that it was the least dangerous option.

Kon frowned and looked at his cousin, then to my surprise he merely sighed, folding his arms on the table and using them as a cushion for his head. "I don't feel like throwing a fit," he muttered gloomily from behind his obsidian fall of hair.

_What's wrong with him?_ REASON asked in bafflement as we all stared at the morose god.

Gojyo coughed, and when I sent him a questioning look he turned away and pretended to find the dingy tabletop utterly mesmerizing. Rhadymanthus chuckled mockingly from his perch beside Hakuryu on the bed I had been sleeping on until about two hours ago. That bird…as much as I liked him, he certainly had his irritating qualities.

_They're suspicious, too,_ my inner voice muttered, feeling that if the kappa wanted to be inconspicuous, then he should find better things to attract his undue attention. Rhad's behavior wasn't surprising, however. _He_ was a natural-born jerk. Kon's pain made him happy.

"Kon? What's the matter?" I asked once my split personality finished adding its two cents to the issue.

He sighed and looked up dazedly, those bizarrely brilliant eyes glittering through no matter how much hair fell across them. "I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep at all."

"How come?" Goku asked, tilting his head to one side and blinking enormous golden eyes like a baffled owl. He was huddled under a blanket in a T-shirt and shorts while Hakkai was drying his regular clothes on a line strung through the room. Plus, the heater was out of gas, and the freaky weather was preventing acquisition of the required fuel.

"I was worried that Lydia's fever would go up again," Kon replied, dropping his head again with a muffled yawn.

"Tch. I'm just a little tired now, that's all," I muttered, poking his head lightly. "You worry too much, you big baby."

"Oh, well I apologize for caring enough to take care of you while you were nearly frying your brain!" he grumbled sarcastically. He turned his head just enough to frown at me in irritation.

That made me pause, and rethink my snide retort. The guy had a point. Perhaps I was being an ass?

_Gee, ya think?_ was REASON's derisive observation.

I stopped poking him and sighed. My brain had a point, as well. "My bad. Thanks, actually, for everything. You were probably the only one I could rely on for that kind of thing." After a thought, I leaned down and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, resting my temple against his soft hair. "I appreciate what you do for me, even if I am a retarded little imp half the time."

* * *

_**(Omniscient POV on This Whole Situation)**_

_The god of Chaos didn't know what to do. Lydia wasn't drugged. Neither was she under hypnosis or even very tired. Why was she hugging him?! He had no problem at all with this, of course, and her words had managed to make him happier than he had originally thought possible, yet he couldn't help fearing for his life all of a sudden. She was like an anglerfish, luring in prey before sinking fang._

_Then again, he rather preferred the delusion that maybe she liked having him around more than she normally let on._

_Of course, Kon wasn't the only one surprised—just the most surprised._

_Gojyo actually had to get out of his chair and leave the room, before exploding into peals of triumphant laughter in the hallway, muffled only by a pillow he had wisely brought along with him. Hakkai was much more reserved, smiling faintly and busying himself with making breakfast so as to afford Konran a chance to soak up the joy._

_Naturally, Comedy had already filched the DVD player back, and was presently corrupting the monkey via "Tyler Durden" and "Jack's Smirking Revenge." Mr. Hessel's brush with enlightenment would also play a key role in the young heretic's bafflement, and spur him on to ask why Tyler reminded him so much of somebody in the room who will remain anonymous at present._

_However, the movie would mostly just confuse Goku, leaving him feeling uncertain about the state of Lydia's world, as well as hungry, which would be quickly remedied by a remarkably elaborate feast concocted by the ex-human, using only some fresh bread, a pot roast, and some stir fry from the previous day._

_But back to Kon and his heart-wrenching dilemma._

_To get up or not to get up—that was the migraine-inducing quandary. It was a catch-22 of sorts, where on one hand he could cut happy-time short—painful to even consider—and retain a shred of dignity, and on the other he could say to hell with dignity and hope for a miracle—which might be a fruitless, crushingly disappointing endeavor._

_Never before had he felt so torn in half._

_But fortunately for him, someone else had already made the decision to storm onto the room wearing a thick, near-toxic miasma of PISSED. _

_The moment a leather-clad Sanzo slammed the door open waving the fan like a battle club and clenching a cigarette butt in his sneer, Lydia jumped up in surprise and Kon actually twitched in irritation at the priest for interrupting his reverie. Despite the quandary, he had been happy, dammit!_

"_Where's Hakkai?!" the monk growled, giving off the aura of an irrationally enraged dragon._

_The amicable man made a motion to single himself out among the crowd in the tiny room. "Right here, Sanzo. Would you like some fresh coffee?"_

"_Fuck the coffee!" he snapped like a whip. "Where the hell are my cigarettes?! I'm out!"_

_Hakkai blinked, then put on a sheepish smile. "Eh-heh-heh…Well, yesterday I wasn't able to get any shopping done, remember? There was a stampede, you see…"_

_However, the priest was no longer listening, and became so angry that he actually left the room to torment the innkeeper into telling him where the nearest tobacconist was located. He would cross three oceans and twelve continents if necessary!_

_It was sort of like a lightning strike. The monk had struck hard and fast, shocking everyone, and then suddenly disappeared as though it had never happened, leaving an inexplicable swath of destruction._

_The silence was thick and tense, but Hakkai was unaffected, and broke it with a small sigh, "Ah, I suppose I should have expected that reaction from him, eh?"_

_Lydia shook her head, totally freaked for once at the instantaneous effect of which the monk was capable. "Dude, I don't think that's something safely forgotten," she muttered while Konran returned to moping._

"_Holy shiiiiiiit!" Gojyo exclaimed, bursting back into the room and panting as though he had been chased by Cerberus himself. "Who shoved a stick up **his** butt?! He tried to stab me with the fan!"_

"_Hakkai forgot his cigarettes," Goku piped up helpfully._

_This made the kappa freeze, before turning slowly to gawk at Hakkai. "Well, that was a bad idea. Tight-ass is just going to keep trying to kill us until he gets his fix." Then he saw Konran being depressed again, and frowned slightly. "What's up with him **now**?"_

_Lydia finally tore away from the chaos to look at Chaos himself, and blinked. "Aww, he's all tired," she laughed, hugging him again. "I'm tired too. Wake me up when the food's ready, a'ight?"_

"_Er…okay?" the water sprite replied, hiding a smirk behind his hand as he lit a cigarette and went to go see what Yumoa was giggling about. He caught Hakkai's gaze and the two laughed secretly, amused with the poor god's torment._

_The god in question, however, did not care who laughed, because he was happy again and that was all that mattered._

* * *

**_(Meanwhile…A Storm Gathers)_**

"_This weather just gets worse and worse the closer we get to the party," muttered Dokugakuji as the two dragons carrying him, Yaone, and Kougaiji made their final descent into a sparse stand of trees._

"_You're not joking," Yaone sighed, wrapping the cloak more tightly around her shoulders to ward off the freezing rain. The fallen snow had become a thick coating of ice overnight, and everything glittered like frosty crystal, including tree branches and blades of grass._

_After they had landed and managed to tie the dragons to a tree with low enough branches to leave a bare patch of dry pine needles directly beneath, they bundled up even more and began the short trek to the village where Hwan had told them to find the Sanzo party. _

"_I can see the lights just beyond those trees," Kougaiji said, pointing ahead at a closely-spaced copse of evergreens._

_But no matter how eager they were to find shelter from this nightmarish storm, they couldn't help but stop when a slim figure cloaked in black suddenly materialized in their path._

_Warily they watched the strange person lower the hood, and were made even more anxious when they saw the person's face. It was oddly familiar—in a disconcerting sort of way._

_Eris smiled darkly at Kougaiji in particular, having singled him out in the lotus pond and gone behind Venus' back to do some meddling—rules just weren't her thing. "You must be the Prince," she purred, studying him with her cold gaze. "I am the goddess of Chaos in the parallel realm, Konran's birth mother, and I have a small favor to ask of you."_

_Kougaiji went still at the sound of her voice, cursing inwardly._

_More gods was the absolute last thing he wanted to handle at the moment, and something about this one made him think that maybe a quarrel with her would be akin to arguing with a tsunami._

_His lavender eyes narrowed, and he stepped forward to lead Strife's attention away from his friends. "What is it that you want from me?"_

_She smirked coldly and nodded over her shoulder toward the village. "My boy. Kill him for me and I will free your mother."_

* * *

**_(Author's Note)_**

_AUGH! PLOT TWISTS! (intense rage) Ares and Eris…damn, that's a hell of a genetic pool. No wonder Kon's a schizophrenic wreck._

_(evil chuckle) Oh, I love my job—entertaining the masses, that is. Kon's mommy is a tad on the wicked side, ain't she? It's Spring Break now, so I might have one or two more updates coming up after this one._

_To **ilovegoku**: This chapter is dedicated to you, for being so insanely enthusiastic in class whenever I draw or coerce you into reading my nonsensical babble._

_I SHALL RETURN POSTHASTE! PLEASE REVIEW, DEAREST READERS!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	9. Mendacity: Peace and Happiness

**The Sequel: Chapter IX

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_Hmm…I really have nothing to add. I don't own anything Saiyuki-derived, I do own all the OCs…and please review. Thankee!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day:**_

"_Pisces: This week the stars will take immense pleasure in lording over your foreseeable future."—The Onion Weekly Horoscope (Let's pretend that this is Kon's)_

* * *

**_Mendacity: Peace and Happiness _**

**_(Irony)_**

_For the first time in a long time, Sanzo had lost the urge to kill things. No, it went beyond even that. As a matter of fact, one could even go so far as to suggest that he was **happy**, and with no ill effects._

_The formerly enraged monk exited the tiny shop with a small, discreet sigh of relief, glanced around to make certain that no one had seen the moment of weakness, and clicked his lighter open to ignite the cigarette between his lips._

_And then clicked it again._

…_and again._

_Suddenly, anything even remotely mimicking the emotion "happy" had evacuated his system._

"_FUCK! Goddamn fucking kappa!" he screamed to no one in particular. He was going to hang, draw, and quarter that useless half-breed the moment he got back to the inn! _

_Across the road, an elderly woman gasped in her doorway and ushered in a small, impressionable young boy, before shooting the priest a disapproving frown and shutting the door behind her. Sanzo stared after the two for a moment, contemplating whether or not it was very monk-like to shoot the elderly, before turning on his heel and bursting back into the tobacconist's shop, shouting for lighter fluid._

_The grizzled old man behind the counter squinted in irritation. This strange young blond man had already stormed in once, swearing up a storm about cigarettes and gods and what have you, but to storm in twice?_

_Young people these days._

"_Gimme the lighter, young feller," the old man ordered in a high-pitched, cracking voice to match his ancient appearance._

_Sanzo slid the silver lighter across the countertop and fidgeted impatiently while the proprietor tinkered with the small device at the work bench and attempted some semblance of small talk._

"_So whatcha doin' in these parts, young feller?" the old man inquired as he added fluid to the lighter._

"_Nothing."_

"_Nothin'? Really now? Ya seem a bit too antsy fer someone doin' nothin' if ya ax me."_

_Sanzo's eye twitched, but he managed to maintain a firm hold on his self control—small victory for corrupt monks everywhere. "None of your business, old man."_

_The geezer chuckled hoarsely and went on to replace the flint, just to squeeze a bit more cash out of the card-toting whippersnapper. "Yer daddy teach ya to abuse yer elders like that? I ain't keen on young people mistreatin' helpless old men like meself." _

_The monk winced inwardly at the term "daddy," but played it off as nothing on the outside. "Like I said: it's none of your business."_

_With a tired sigh the shop owner finished his work and brought the lighter back, placing it in Sanzo's impatient, waiting hand. He held onto it a little longer than necessary, squinting up at the monk's face and seeing nothing friendly there, before letting go when it seemed like the young man would probably shoot him._

"_How much?" Sanzo asked, withdrawing the gold card from his sleeve and holding it out to the old man._

_After a thought, the proprietor shook his head. "'S on the house, 's long as ya lose the attitude next time ya come in, hear me?"_

_Sanzo frowned, then slowly replaced the card, before taking his lighter and paper bag chock full of Marlboros toward the exit._

_However, at the doorway, he paused and looked back briefly. "Thanks, old man." And then he was gone._

_The geezer chuckled in amusement, "Young fellers these days…never sayin' what they mean 'less ya beat it outta 'em."_

* * *

**_(Negotiations)_**

_Kougaiji frowned hard at the goddess Eris, not really certain as to whether or not he had heard her correctly. "Kill…Konran?" he inquired for clarity._

_She remained cold and unwavering. "Yes, that **is** what you call him in this plane, correct?"_

_The Prince nodded slowly, trying to wrap his head around the idea. "But he's not here…is he? I thought he had gone back to his realm with Lydia and Yumoa."_

_Strife made a disgusted face. "Don't ever speak that little mortal's name in my presence. It's **her** fault that my child must be eliminated, after all. I cannot allow her to taint my bloodline, therefore I want Konran to be destroyed. And yes, he's here—with all of them. Atrocious, really."_

_Now he was even more confused, but Dokugakuji beat him to the next question._

"_Wait," the swordsman interrupted, clearly just as baffled as the Prince felt, "wouldn't it just be easier to kill Lyd—I mean, the girl? Kon's kind of…well…immortal." _

"_Don't be ridiculous!" Eris snapped indignantly. "I want her to feel the pain of the loss, as punishment for threatening my line. He has to leave the picture entirely for that to happen."_

_The three looked to each other, silently contemplating the matter, then Yaone turned to the goddess and asked quietly, "Won't you feel sad that your own son is dead?"_

_She glared at the woman and scoffed arrogantly, "Of course not! He is nothing but a disappointment to me—an eyesore to be removed from my sight. To think that I created that pathetic little boy irritates me to no end. I would rather he were dead, because he's almost beyond redemption."_

_This kind of talk bothered Kougaiji—as well as the others, and especially Dokugakuji—but it bothered the Prince even more. To think that a mother could say such things about her own son was disturbing at best. "I don't think I have the power to destroy a god from another realm," he muttered evasively._

"_Nonsense! You have power enough if you try. And regardless of what you may feel, shouldn't you be more than happy to do this small favor in exchange for your mother back?" Her blood red lips curved up into a cruel smile. "Or, instead of killing him, you **could** try and find another goddess for him to marry," she chuckled in dark amusement, "but I doubt you would easily find a goddess out here."_

_Kougaiji frowned more deeply. The goddess' words were tempting—incredibly tempting—and if she followed through, he would no longer have to follow the commands of that monster, Gyokumen Koushu. However…there was something about Eris which reminded him of the very monster he despised. But still, the thought of having that freedom again was powerful indeed. In the end, he nodded slowly and turned a hard eye on the goddess. "Fine. If I do this, then do I have your word that you will follow through?"_

"_Of course…but only if you do it," she responded, her dark green eyes glinting as she saw the decision form in his mind to seal Konran's fate._

_The Prince's companions gaped in astonishment at their leader, shocked that he would even consider such a thing, even if it **would** free his mother. They had thought that he had more honor that this._

_Kougaiji nodded. "Fine, then we'll try."_

_Strife beamed in triumph and folded her arms beneath her breasts haughtily. "Excellent. I expect good news, little Prince." Then in a swirl of air, she scattered into a billion specks of black dust and flew up into the Heavens._

_The Prince sighed once she was gone, and turned to his friends, only to find them glaring fiercely at him._

"_What was **that**?" demanded his apothecary, her face red with outrage. "Kill him or make some goddess marry him? That's ridiculous to even attempt, Lord Kougaiji!"_

"_Do you think your mother would approve of tactics like this?" Doku asked quietly, trying to figure out what was going on in Kou's head. "The whole thing seems kind of fishy to me."_

_Kougaiji just shook his head, refusing to discuss it. "Come on. We're wasting time." Without explaining anything, he continued ahead on their short walk out the woods and into the town, toward the inn where Dr. Hwan had said the Sanzo party was staying. He already had an idea, but it depended on several factors which were beyond his control. For now, he just had to enlist the party's help._

_Yaone and Doku looked to each other, asking the same questions in their minds, but at length they conceded to the decision and followed their Prince, giving up on explanations and merely trusting that he would choose the right path._

* * *

_**(Coincidence)**_

_This time the lighter worked, and as the nicotine worked its way into Sanzo's system, the monk felt the urge to kill slowly abate to normal levels._

_Better._

_However, when he began to head back to the inn through the irritatingly cold sleet, he saw something that made the urge to kill rise yet again._

"_Goddammit," he growled, actually stopping in his tracks. "Fucking great."_

_Not being one to let a little thing like this scare him off—gods forbid!—he stalked onward, beating the source of his irritation to the inn door, and stopping there to meet it. Finally, something to take his rage out on._

_About time._

* * *

_**(Indoors)**_

_Konran was borderline ecstatic. He tried not to be, tried his damnedest not to let his hopes get the best of him, but it was so hard not to be happy when Lydia was finally treating him as something more than a lawn chair. At some point he realized that even if she was utterly unaware of how he felt about her, he was content to hang around and continue to be treated as a friend for once._

_Gojyo sat at the table wearing a smug smirk and smoking a cigarette over a beer, watching in interest the god lying spread eagle on the bed with a sappy smile on his face. "You're pathetic," he chuckled after a bit, shaking his head and taking another swig._

_Kon sat up abruptly and brought his legs over the edge, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Don't you mock me when I'm this happy!" he half-scolded, half-laughed. He was too overjoyed to be angry._

"_Just don't start singing," the kappa replied, stubbing out his cigarette._

_The god made a face, baring pointy teeth at the thought. "Bah. I don't sing."_

_Over at the sink, Hakkai at last finished the last of the breakfast dishes when came over to sit down at the table with Gojyo. "Where did those three go, anyway?" he asked pleasantly, pulling out a deck of cards and shuffling them to play some poker._

"_Yumoa said something about a video game in their car," Gojyo replied, sweeping the pair of cards toward himself when Hakkai dealt them and finished laying out the first three separate cards. "How much crap did you guys bring, anyway?"_

_The god smiled faintly and chuckled, "Who knows? Yumoa brought all kinds of things to keep her happy during the trip. There's enough there to last a month, I'd bet." He fell back once more with his fingers laced behind his head, and the two playing poker looked to each other._

"_Sanzo would shoot himself if he even **heard** Kon talkin' 'bout staying a whole month," Gojyo said with a sly grin._

_Hakkai laughed softly and flipped the next card over. "Please don't bring it up with him. It's hard enough while he's in one of those moods."_

"_Tell me about it! He **never** tries to stab me with that stupid fan, but when you forgot his cigarettes—aw, shit! No way in hell you got a royal flush!" he cried suddenly as the final card was flipped and they revealed their hands._

"_Ah, one to nothing," Hakkai replied, smiling amicably while Gojyo muttered darkly about people with too much good luck._

"_I should know better than to play against you," he grumbled._

"_Well, that should motivate you to get better at it," monocle responded. "Would you like to deal?"_

_The kappa frowned at the cards, and then held out a hand. "Yeah. Maybe my luck will change."_

_After a bit of this, Konran found himself too restless to stay in one spot any longer and got up. "Hey, I'm going to go for a walk if anybody asks," he told the two at the table from the door._

_Hakkai smiled. "We'll tell them. Just make sure you come back in time for lunch, okay?"_

"_All right. See you guys in a little while."_

* * *

**(Second Encounter of the First Kind)**

I glared at the flip-down screen in consternation as the little arrows flew by in rapid succession. This was the hardest bit, and I had everything else blocked out of my thoughts so as to maintain the necessary concentration.

"Crap! Missed one!" I exclaimed a minute later, throwing the PS2 controller down in frustration. I frowned hard at the monkey with the second controller. "Dude, you learned DDR way too fast."

Goku laughed sheepishly, scratching his thick, shaggy hair and grinning broadly. "But it's just buttons. 'S not that hard ta figure out."

"Hee-hee! He's better than you!" Yumoa teased me, grabbing me into a bear hug and rocking me side to side.

"Whoa! Chill out, dude!" I cried. "I'm gonna be sick!" I was still a little queasy from that stupid fever draining all of my energy, and after such a huge breakfast my stomach was at its limits.

He stopped rocking, but wouldn't let go. "Gimme the controller!" he commanded authoritatively.

"What the—hell no! You played for an hour, you little imp! It's my turn!"

"Stop cursing! And I wanna play NOW! I shall prove without a doubt that gods are superior."

"NO! You stole my DVD without my permission, and so this is your punishment. Quit acting like a baby."

He pursed his lips and abruptly released me, hunching down in his seat and averting his flickering ember gaze. "Meanie. You're meaner than Hwan was."

I frowned a little. "Hwan? You hung out with Hwan? As in, _Doctor Hwan_?"

He nodded. "Yep! She let me do experiments!"

Goku looked to each of us in confusion. "Who's that?"

"Er…nobody," I replied, shooting the Comedy god a meaningful look. Fortunately, he wasn't stupid, and merely grinned.

"A friend!" he explained cheerfully. Then he turned back to me. "She had me sit in this chair, and there were all these funny machines, and she kept talking about the Professor like she was REALLY mad. I kinda feel bad for her, 'cause she's always getting' ordered around by that guy." He pouted sympathetically.

I didn't like the sound of that at all. In fact, I decided then that it was time to stop playing games and go talk to Konran about what exactly had happened while he and Yumoa had been working for Koushu. "Hey, I'm a little tired," I said after a pause, handing the controller to an ecstatic Comedy. "You guys can play for a while. I'm gonna go back inside and warm up."

Goku's inquisitive stare followed me as I climbed out, and I gave him a reassuring thumbs-up before I shut the door, which seemed to dispel any doubts he might have been harboring.

Now to find Kon.

The sleet was still falling thickly as I trudged quickly through the slush to the inn doors, but before I got there, I saw some people ahead and stopped dead in my tracks.

And in a flash, I was running forward, skidding to a halt in front of the visitors, who looked human, but weren't. "Kougaiji! Yaone! Doku!" I shouted giddily, happy to see them again. "I was wondering when you guys would show up!"

Kougaiji, who had been speaking coldly to a vehement Sanzo—whom I ignored—gave me a disconcerted frown. "Lydia? So you really did come back…"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yumoa's back there and Kon's inside. How have you guys been?"

"Er…fine," Yaone murmured, smiling crookedly. "It's good to see you. Have you gotten taller?"

"At last, someone notices," I sighed happily, grinning like an idiot. "Two inches! I'm aiming for taller than Sanzo." I could feel the monk's arrogant eyes glaring at me, but I disregarded it. He was always glaring at people—nothing new.

"Wow. Lucky you," Doku laughed a little. "So why are you here again?"

I smirked. "Kon screwed up. When we left, he forgot to tie up his loose ends, and things here ended up going all squirrelly. Have you noticed anything strange happening lately?"

They looked to each other, sharing a moment of silent communication, then turned back to me and nodded in unison. "We just got over some bizarre language disease back at the castle," Doku replied, looking uncomfortable with the memory.

"Huh. Weird. I'll bet it was Shakespeare. His is the only language form anybody would see as a disease." Not that I didn't like the Shake-meister, but I'd had to read "Romeo and Juliet" several times during high school, and after each time I could feel a piece of me dying inside. I hated that play. "Hamlet" and "Macbeth," on the other hand, I loved with a passion. Crazy people simply appealed to me. With reason.

Kougaiji looked surprised. "That door…it said that name when I spoke to it."

I gave him a dubious frown. "You were talking to a door?" I demanded incredulously. "Somehow, I can't see that happening."

He blinked and looked away. "Never mind that. Anyway, it appears that all of these occurrences are centered around two locations: the castle and the Sanzo party." His lavender eyes narrowed at the monk, whose amethysts shrank to cold slits.

"I don't give a shit about your problems," Sanzo growled, bristling at the unasked question which hung between them. "Don't you dare come to us for help again. I've got enough problems dealing with the Stray and her band of fools."

The Prince gave him an irritated frown. "Whether you like the idea or not, we have the same problem, and I'm sure we could help each other to figure out a solution."

"That sounds like a good idea," I commented, nodding. "C'mon Sanzo. Don't be such a stiff!"

"Shut up! I'm in charge here, so if I say no, then the answer is no! There will be no discussion!"

"Tch! You're not in charge of the gods and me," I replied coolly, turning to the other three. "You guys can hang out with me. Pretend Sanzo's not even here, if you'd like."

They looked slowly to the enraged, fuming priest with the twitching gun hand, and sweatdropped all at once. "Well…I don't know…" Yaone began.

"Don't be ridiculous. Come on in. Hakkai and Gojyo won't mind, and neither will Goku, Yumoa, or Kon. 'Sides, it's _freezing_ out here, and I'll bet _you're _slowly turning into a scantily clad popsicle." I gave Yaone a pointed look, but she smiled and shook her head beneath her cloak hood.

"Actually, I dressed for the weather," she said with a soft laugh. "Besides, it's almost impossible not to attract attention in my battle outfit, even if I am wearing a limiter."

I clapped twice in approval. "Bravo! In we go, then!" With that, I turned to the door, only to find Sanzo still barring my path. "Oh, come on, Sanzo," I sighed in exasperation. "If you were a little more lenient, people would stop looking for ways to rile you up. Plus, they're here on Kon's dime now, so bah."

He glowered at me for a few moments, then said threateningly, "If anything happens to fuck things up, it will be _your _fault, understood? If anyone gets hurt, if anyone does something stupid, if anything _at all_ goes wrong, you will take responsibility, got that, Stray?"

"Yes master," I replied smartly, weaving around him and opening the door. "After you, my liege."

He made an irritated noise and stalked in, making a beeline for the bar while taking out a cigarette.

I looked to the other three. "Well, come on in, then!" I said with a grin. "You're friends here, not enemies."

Kougaiji hesitated a moment, then at last led his friends in, uttering a quiet "thank you" as he passed.

* * *

**(Thirty Minutes Later)**

Once I had wheedled the information out of Yumoa, I was able to find the Chaos god's money stash and pay for Kougaiji and his compatriots to stay a night in a vacancy down the hall which had opened up the previous night. They had insisted on paying, but I turned them down flat, reminding them that I was trying to irritate Sanzo by asserting some form of authority over whatever I could. It was a hobby of mine, as well as a resounding success. My theory was that if the monk was pushed too far over the edge, he would eventually give up and stop being so bossy.

I much preferred being ignored over being beaten down with a paper fan every morning.

While those three were getting settled, however, I went out in search of the Chaos god, who had vanished without so much as a note. Hakkai and Gojyo had informed me that he had gone for a walk, and though I had no idea where he could have headed, I went back out into the freezing rain to look for him.

Yumoa's words had bothered me. I wasn't surprised that the childlike god had befriended the enemy—that was actually exactly the kind of thing he was known for—but still, I was fairly certain that Hwan had done something fishy. My inner voices kept whispering that it might have something to do with all the screw-ups in the space-time continuum, or whatever the hell held this world together.

"Damn you, Konran, making me trudge through sleet and snow to find your sorry ass!" I cursed under my breath, creating little puffs of steam which the falling sleet ripped apart into nothingness. "What do I look like? The mail lady?!"

A flash of gold and a tinkling noise caught my attention then, and I turned my head to find Venus standing under the eaves of some old bakery with darkened windows, watching me in what appeared to be amusement.

My eyes narrowed a smidge, and she laughed her eerie ringing laugh. "Well, I was looking for my nephew, but you'll do just fine," she practically sang, fraying my nerves just a little.

"What the hell do you want?" I demanded impatiently, halting in my tracks and tightening my grip on Hakkai's spare umbrella. That guy was prepared for everything imaginable, it seemed.

"Come out of the weather. I'd like to ask you something, if that's okay with you," the sparkly goddess replied, stepping aside to reveal an open doorway to the bakery.

I was more inclined to keep looking for Kon, but after a thought I figured the goddess would have an easier time locating her kin, and I nodded, following her into the dim room just inside.

"Why's it so empty in here?" I asked, frowning at a bowl of leavened dough which seemed to have formed a hard crust.

She chuckled, "The owner is one of the ones who vanished. He may return once this whole mess is cleared up, but until then, I've been using this as a base of operations, so to speak." Obligingly, she pulled a chair out from under a nearby table and motioned for me to sit. "This will only take a moment."

Sitting down and closing the umbrella, I muttered darkly, "You sure like to throw your weight around, usurping the homes of unfortunate kidnapping victims." I brushed some flour off the table and folded my arms atop it. "So what's so damn important that you insist on interrupting my search?"

She sat across from me, her airy garments fluttering a bit, and smiled brightly. "I'd just like to ask you if you've ever been in love, that's all."

I could vaguely sense that my eye was twitching, but I ignored it. "What the crap does that have to do with anything? First tell me where Kon is. I have to ask him some stuff about Yumoa."

Her expression grew shrewd. "I'll tell you _after_ you answer my question. Now, have you ever been in love?"

I frowned, squinting at her mesmerizing aquamarine eyes. "Look, Venus, I don't want to throw you off your game, but that's not exactly important—or pertinent—information. Pardon me if this offends you in any way, but _screw you_. I have more pressing matters to attend to." At that, I stood to go and search without her help, but before I could take a single step toward the door, she simply appeared before me, blocking my path.

"Lydia, Lydia, Lydia," she tutted, sighing and shaking her head so that her turquoise chandelier earrings jingled. "I don't need an answer anymore. You've already told me everything I need to know."

I almost flinched, but restrained the urge. "Come again?"

That sweet, innocent smile was _really _starting to irritate me. "It's obvious. You _have_ loved before!" She began pacing around me, looking me up and down as though I were something abstract on display at an art museum. "However, what baffles me is how you've managed to repress that half of yourself so well. It's such an integral part of the human psyche, yet it seems to me that you have thoroughly locked it away."

"I'm going to beat you if you don't shut up," I growled coldly, trying to pretend that there wasn't a small tremble in my voice.

"Anger…perhaps that is your defense mechanism?" she mused aloud, ignoring my threat.

"One more inane comment and I'll personally disprove the existence of immortality!" I snapped, unconsciously moving my hand toward the Beretta, which I kept in a special holster I had devised to suspend it inside my coat.

This bitch just _couldn't_ take the hint! "So who was it that crippled your ability to feel affection for anyone else?" she crooned, leaning over my shoulder like a demon whispering in my ear.

"**_Game over, biatch!_**" I cried, quick-drawing the weapon and sighting it right between her lavishly painted eyes. "I'll mess you up so bad, I _swear!_"

"What the hell is going on in—Lydia?" Kon's voice floated in through the rage boiling in my head. "Hey! What are you two doing?!"

Steadying my breathing to improve my aim while the goddess backed up against the far wall with a worried expression, I replied calmly, "I'm just answering your dearest Auntie's question." One shot would be enough to get her off my back, I suspected.

Gently, something fell upon my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye I could see the darkly clad god's glowing gaze. A moment later and he was standing in front of me, totally screwing up my aim. "Please don't do anything rash," he said slowly, glancing at the gun, then back at me.

"She was the one trying to crawl into my brain!" I shot back in defense, lowering the weapon slowly. I didn't want to shoot Kon. He was on my side. If only I could get him to move over just a little. "And where were _you?!_" I added. "Yumoa was saying some seriously weird crap, and I thought it was important, and the one time I needed you to be there, you had gone off to take a walk in Lala Land during the freak precipitation of the century! Show some consistency, would you?!"

"Why are you screaming?" he asked with a frown. "And…Lydia…why are you _crying_?"

I gave a start and blinked, and something hot ran down my face. Slowly, I reached up and felt the quickly chilling wetness of tears. My tears? Impossible! I wasn't crying!

The gun hit the floor with a jarring thunk, and I flinched again, and suddenly I found myself surrounded by Konran's warmth. That sweet scent enveloped me, leaving me almost lightheaded.

"K-Kon?" I asked uncertainly.

"Please stop crying," he whispered, holding me close. "I feel terrible when you cry."

Something was wrong here—there was something I was missing again. What was it, dammit?!

In an instant I shoved him away, and without even thinking, I escaped out the door, running as hard as I could for as long as I could through that stupid sleet. I ignored the freezing chill—welcomed it, even. My brain was an absolute mess of a dozen voices all vying for my immediate attention, but I pushed them aside in attempt to sort out my own thoughts and emotions. Unfortunately, none of those made sense, either.

For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I was so…terrified.

* * *

**_(Commencing a Search)_**

_For a moment, Konran was so stunned at being shoved away and abandoned that it was all he could do to pick up the girl's gun and hold it heavily in one hand. However, after he managed to gather his wits, he rounded on Venus in anger._

"_What were you doing to her?!" he snapped, his eyes flashing in his rage._

_The goddess pouted and propped her fists on her hips. "I merely asked her a question, that's all! **She** was the one who lost it and tried to shoot at me! Who does she think she is? The monk?"_

"_Don't play games with me, Aphrodite! You know damn well that my equivalent is psychologically unstable! I even **told** you she was! Now explain to me precisely what you said to make her so upset!" It was one thing to ask a simple question, but to Kon's eyes something else had been going on. Lydia wasn't the kind of person to cry on a whim. She only ever did it when she felt like the world was falling away from beneath her feet, and whatever his aunt had said had done exactly that to her._

_Venus shrugged vaguely. "I asked her about her history. If my little nephew is going to be spending so much of his time with a mere mortal, then as your guardian I think I have a right to know the ins and outs of the situation. Apparently, she's had a rough time of it."_

_Konran glared at her, understanding better than the goddess that some things were best left buried. Too angry and concerned to continue speaking to her, he turned on his heel and headed out, calling dangerously over his shoulder as he went, "If anything happens to my equivalent, I will personally see to it that you suffer the same fate as Tantalus."_

_Venus blanched at the thought and gaped at his retreating form, before folding her arms in a huff. "Well, I never! That boy certainly takes after his parents!" she muttered, vanishing on the spot in a gust of wind._

_By that time, however, Konran had already reached the inn, and barged into his room where Gojyo and Hakkai were arguing with Rhadymanthus about nothing particularly constructive._

"_Has Lydia come by here?" he panted, soaked to the bone but not really noticing._

_The three debaters, however, **did** notice, and stared at him in surprise._

"_What the hell happened to you?" Rhad demanded in a remarkably not-helpful manner._

_Kon shot the bird a cold glare and reached unto his drenched pants' pocket, pulling out a gemstone about an inch across. "This is yours if you find Lydia," he told the bird._

_The bird stared at the stone, frozen, then shouted, "Yessir!" And before either Gojyo or Hakkai could even think to ask, the bird was unlatching the window with his beak, nudging it open, and taking off into the downpour._

"_What happened?" Hakkai finally managed to politely inquire, frowning slightly in concern._

"_My aunt happened, that's what," the god growled, pocketing the enormous ruby and turning to them. "Have you seen Lydia in the last few minutes?"_

_They both shook their heads, and Gojyo replied, "Nope. She went out looking for you after inviting Kougaiji, my bro, and Yaone to stay here in the inn—apparently because they need out help. They're still setting themselves up, as far as we know, but I dunno where Lydia went." He nodded to Kon's pocket. "What's with the rock? Is that where your money comes from?"_

"_It keeps the bird in line," Kon muttered tersely. "I'm going to go look for her. This is the worst possible weather for running away."_

"_Wait!" Hakkai called, forcing him to turn back anxiously._

"_What is it?"_

"_If we all look, we'll find her more quickly," the monocle-clad youkai replied gently, standing and grabbing a raincoat off the back of his chair. "Gojyo?"_

"_Right behind you," chuckled the Kappa. "Kon, you go ahead. We'll be right behind you."_

_Chaos nodded his thanks, then hurried back out. She had just gotten over that fever, and now this? That girl was in no condition to be running off in such inclement weather!_

_He cursed with feeling, and slid to a stop beside the Land Rover, pulling the door open in haste. "Yumoa! There's a problem, and I need your help."_

_Comedy grinned. "What's up, Kon? Why're you so tired?"_

_Konran took a moment to calm himself, then explained to Goku and Comedy, "Venus said something strange to Lydia, and it upset her. She just ran off into the storm, but I can't tell where. Could you help?"_

_Goku frowned. "Why should we look for Venus? Isn't she a goddess?"_

_Mildly frustrated, Konran shook his head in exasperation. "No, I mean that **Lydia** ran away! I can't find her in the inn, and the more people we have searching for her, the better!"_

_The light of realization switched on in the monkey's eyes, and he immediately dropped the PS2 controller and clambered past Yumoa to get out of the vehicle. "C'mon, Yumoa!" he prodded from the door. "We'll come back in a few minutes, but we gotta find her, 'cause it's cold and she might get sick again."_

_The god pouted slightly, then with a sigh he got out as well and shut the door. "Kon, what did Auntie say to her?"_

_Chaos just shook his head. "I'm not sure, but whatever it was made Lydia cry."_

_Comedy's eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed. "Auntie made Lyds **cry**?"_

"_Yes."_

"_That's not…normal, Kon. Lydia doesn't cry because of words." He seemed disturbed at the thought._

_Kon frowned a little. "That's an odd way of putting it, but you're right. I'll have to talk to Lydia and find out what exactly happened."_

_Yumoa gave a firm nod, folding his arms thoughtfully and clearly going over all the possibilities, before looking up at his cousin once more with a small smile. "I think I might know where she is," he chuckled. When Kon and Goku gave him dubious frowns he laughed, "Seriously. Look in high places, like trees and rooftops or whatever you can find. She's scared of heights normally, but when she wants to think, or when she feels upset, that's where I usually find her."_

_Goku squinted an eye at the god in confusion. "You sound diff'rent."_

"_No, I'm the same—I'm just being serious now." Yumoa patted the boy's shoulder and smiled broadly. "Let's go find her before anyone else, okay?" And to Kon: "You should probably stay here and wait."_

"_What?!" How the hell was he supposed to just sit and wait while Lydia was nowhere to be found?! "I'll do nothing of the sort!" he snapped, angry that his cousin could even suggest such a thing._

_However, Comedy shook his head, scattering water from his now-matted hair, and offered a consoling smile. "No. You stay. You **have** to listen to me for once: Lydia won't want to see you right now."_

_Konran actually took a step back in painful shock. "Why not?" he asked incredulously._

"_Well isn't it obvious?" Yumoa responded with a laugh, his fiery eyes flickering in the dim noonday light of the storm. "**She** probably doesn't realize it, but **you** are the reason why she's upset. I swear, both of you are denser than neutron stars." He sighed. "Anyway, you stay. Goku? C'mon. We have a job to do."_

"_Wait, Comedy!" Kon shouted as they ran off in search of hiding places, and Yumoa hesitated, looking back in curiosity._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I've already sent Rhadymanthus out looking, and Gojyo and Hakkai are somewhere around. If you see them, tell them what you told me about high places."_

_The spunky god gave a deep bow, "Of course, dearest cousin." Then with a laugh he dragged the poor monkey away, acting as though it were all just a game of hide-and-seek._

* * *

_**(A Disturbing Discovery)**_

_Once he couldn't see them anymore, Konran growled in aggravation and sat abruptly on the running board of the Land Rover, bowing his head and barely noticing the cold slush dripping down his entire body. He didn't feel so happy anymore—as if it had all been some cruel deception. It hurt him to think about it, but Yumoa was rarely wrong about anything, and was probably correct in thinking that Lydia's mood was somehow his fault._

_After several minutes of moping and worrying endlessly about what was going on, the god heard someone calling his name, and frowned at the doorway to the inn, where Yaone was standing away from the falling sleet. She was dressed normally, in jeans and a sweater, and it surprised him somewhat._

"_What?" he muttered halfheartedly, more than ready to return to being depressed and wondering if Lydia was better off without him there to ruin her life._

"_Lord Kougaiji has some things to ask you," she replied, looking rather self-conscious while surrounded by normal humans doing normal human things. "Could you come upstairs?"_

_Seeing no reason to stay outside if he wasn't going to join the search, he stood with a heavy sigh and went in, slicking his soaking wet hair back away from his face and squeezing the water from his sleeves before stepping onto the hardwood. "So what's so important?" he murmured, then frowned when he noticed that she was staring in open astonishment. "What?"_

_She blinked large copper eyes, then fought back a blush and turned to lead him upstairs to their room. "I apologize!" he said hectically, attempting to act normal. "It's just…your eyes are very pretty without your hair covering them."_

_The god rolled his "pretty" eyes and murmured a curse in Latin, before replying blankly, "Now you know why my bangs are so long—now what does Kougaiji want with me?"_

"_Oh, I should really let Lord Kougaiji explain." She smiled nervously as she opened the door for him and followed as he entered the room._

_Konran found the Prince sitting in a chair at the small kitchen table like the one in his and Lydia's room, and insisted on standing when offered a seat. Kougaiji frowned when he declined the offer, but shrugged and let the god do as he preferred._

"_What's this all about?" Chaos asked in impatience, though he knew that anything to make time pass more quickly would be for the better._

_The prince folded his hands atop the table's Formica surface, watching the god in acute interest. "I think the problem in our world is a god or goddess which our scientists have created," he stated, succinct and with all seriousness. "However, I believe that these creations are a combination of genetic material taken from gods which we have already met and defeated or befriended."_

"_Meaning…?" Now Kon was just confused. Had Nii been fooling around again, like last time? But it was one thing to enlist a god's help, whereas **creating** a god was simply not possible. Unless…_

_Chaos looked up suddenly from his musing, giving Kougaiji a disturbed frown, and the Prince nodded soberly._

"_Seimei," he called, "please come here now."_

_There was a loud **pop**, and suddenly there was a man standing beside Kougaiji's chair—a man with short, unkempt auburn hair, cyan eyes, and a brilliant smile. "Hiya! You're Konran, right?"_

_Kon stared in disbelief. "Uh, Kougaiji…?"_

"_Who does he look like?" the young Prince replied calmly._

"_Like…Yumoa." He frowned deeply. "But he can't be!"_

_Yaone spoke up, "Actually, save for a few cosmetic and personality alterations, he **is** Yumoa."_

"_The power required to create Seimei and his two siblings was what threw our world off-balance," Kougaiji explained. "Unfortunately, after their creation we were unable to bring the balance back, and so Doctor Hwan believes that unless you and the Sanzo party help us find a way to balance things out again, this realm will just continue to deteriorate until it destroys itself."_

_Still in a state of mild shock, Konran simply nodded. This certainly was a lot for him to absorb in a single day._

_Kou sighed then, and frowned slightly, drawing the god's attention. "We have one more matter to discuss as well," he muttered, looking rather uncomfortable about it._

"_There's more?!" What else could possibly go wrong?! First Lydia, and then Yumoa, and now this Seimei person, and—_

"_We met your mother, Eris..."_

_Suddenly, the god's brain ground to a screeching halt, and he almost fell down. "Wh—what?!" he stammered in shock._

"…_and she wants us to kill you, for the price of freeing my mother."_

_Well, **Hell**…at least it wasn't the Apocalypse?_

* * *

**_(Author's Note)_**

_Whooo-ee! I went through a rather painful blockage while writing this, and rewrote it twice. This mess ain't playin'. Things are finally starting to take shape. No, seriously, they are. Well…actually, they have to fall apart completely before they can take shape._

_I like the bit with Sanzo and the tobacconist. I laughed a **lot** while writing that. Kon being a deliriously happy sap was fun, too, since it gave him the opportunity to be both adorable and dangerous all in the same chapter. He **is** Chaos, after all. Plus, I like having the Kou Crew around to mix things up a bit._

_Now, you know the drill! You have read, now PLEASE review! If I didn't get reviews, I'd probably stop writing altogether, and writing is my life, ergo you all keep me alive! (happy dance) THANK YOU!!!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_

— 


	10. Havoc: Real and Psychological

**The Sequel: Chapter X

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_Whoop! Plot development! It's time to get serious, folks, 'cause from this point on it be gettin' hectic up in dis piece! Oddly enough, last chapter was better received than I had expected, even going so far as to evoke pity for Lydia._

_WEIRD._

_Personally, I think Yumoa's adorable when he's being all serious. (nod)_

_Anyway, PLEASE REVIEW!!! XD_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"I know enough to know that I know nothing."--Socrates_

* * *

_**Havoc: Real and Psychological**_

**(Somewhere in the Forest)**

_I should have brought the umbrella with me._

That was the safest thought I could allow myself without fear of tearing through the intangible barrier in my mind which protected me from a veritable flood of other thoughts. It was ridiculously cold, especially up in the air where the wind tossed the upper branches around like seaweed in a current, shedding off layers of ice which continuously built up just to be knocked away. Sleet pelted me like BB's and froze my hair to my back, but considering the circumstances it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

It would have been nice to have an umbrella. The coat which Kannon had given me fended off the chill fairly well, but left my ears and head vulnerable to the freezing air.

The tears had long ago lost themselves in the downpour of snow and water.

Honestly, I still couldn't figure out why Venus' words had shaken me so thoroughly. I was stronger than this!

But still…

_We're forgetting something important,_ muttered REASON, sulking just as much as I was.

I nodded assent, wincing when a piece of ice slipped down my back. "Probably, but I don't know if I want to remember," I replied dimly. There were a lot of things a person didn't need to recall—blocking out the bad and sticking with the good was essential to happiness.

_I wonder how Kon is._

A gust of wind blew a spray of painful ice over me, and I ducked my head to protect my face. "I don't think that matters right now."

REASON sighed in my mind, _He's the only one who keeps us warm when we're cold. He listens to us all—even the little voices. Why does that not matter?_

"Because I said it doesn't matter," I grumbled, gritting my teeth. Konran was the last person I wanted to see right then. I wasn't sure why, but I knew he would just make it harder to sort myself out. Somehow, it felt as though he were at the center of all the trouble in my life. Things would have been so much simpler without that bastard showing up and ruining my perceptions.

_Ignorance may be bliss, but in the end it just makes things more difficult._

"Stop talking. I'm not leaving this spot, I'm not digging up dead horses, and I'm not going to run to Chaos like a little pansy. I can take care of myself." The words sounded good, but my confidence was definitely not as high as it usually was.

REASON was silent for a while, most likely thinking without me, then:

_Lydia, do you remember the first time we spoke? When was that?_

I frowned, not quite sure whether or not it was a trick, but after a thought I murmured softly, "It was after I left the gang, I think. I had no one to talk to. Everyone else was either dead or in jail, so I guess that was when I fragmented. It's easier to control emotions if I personify them. You showed up after I had finally managed to get rid of the bad voices."

_Then is it at all possible that some of your emotions were locked away with MEMORY and the others? Maybe something happened right before you ran?_

Uncertain as to where this was going, I shrugged and stared off into the sea of twisting tree limbs. "It's possible, but I don't see why that's so important. I function just fine, with or without missing pieces."

_If that's true, then why did you start crying when Venus asked about LOVE? _There was something furtive about the voice, and I glared at my knees.

"She just startled me, that's all," I responded obdurately.

_Like hell you were startled,_ the voice snapped._ I don't recall anything of the LOVE-related sort happening on my watch, so something must have happened before I became self-aware._

My eye twitched a little. "We're not discussing it. It's a stupid topic."

_Why is it stupid? Why does thinking about it make you cry? You don't even know why you're crying, yet the tears fall despite of it! Something must have happened to force this kind of innate reaction out of you!_

"REASON, I said we're not discussing it," I growled dangerously.

The voice was undeterred. _Listen to me for once and at least **consider **it! No matter what you think, it **is** important, so search for the cause and stop hiding from it!_

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, fed up with arguing against what was essentially my own self. "We're not talking about it! I'm not going to rummage through all that **_crap_** just because CURIOSITY is your newest roommate!"

Silence, save for a mumbled, _Aww, but I wanna know_ from CURIOSITY.

I sighed tiredly and buried my face against my knees, wiping the fresh tears off on my jeans. This was ridiculous. I wasn't going back until I was done being a crybaby.

There was a soft, fluttering sound above me, and I looked up to see a big raven sitting on the next branch up.

"Yea Zeus!" the bird commented in irritation, glaring at me with one beady black eye. "You picked a hell of a place to run away, Lyds, 'cause the accommodations in this joint suck."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, just a little surprised. "You hate bad weather."

Rhadymanthus gave his strange bird version of a shrug. "I'm a greedy bastard, that's why. Chaos is worrying his immortal ass off about you while you're out here reenacting _The Jungle Book_, kid. He's paying me with _shiny things_."

Instantly, my mood went sour again. "Well too bad. I'm not coming down." If bribery was the only thing capable of making Rhad worry about my health, then I had nothing to say to that foul creature.

He chuckled, and it sounded almost as if a grown man were making the noise. "Whatever. Comedy's already on his way. I'm just here to make sure you don't try to make a break for it again."

"What?!" Damn, already my bid for solitude was moot? "You're all a bunch of asses," I muttered disdainfully.

Someone below me laughed, and I pointedly refused to look down, instead glowering at an undeserving leaf.

"Now that's just rude," chuckled Yumoa, whose ringing, eternally joyous voice was recognizable from a mile away. "Here we are, trying our hardest to keep you happy, and yet you still dare to call us names? What is it that you want from us, exactly?"

Okay, _now_ I was looking down.

"Is that really you down there or is my brain playing tricks on me again?" I demanded. Through the tangled branches, I could easily see the shock of white hair, and the pinpoint glow of twin, flame-like eyes.

The god gave me a brilliant smile. "Nope. I'm still myself. It's just very difficult to convince you of anything unless I'm being utterly serious—boring, yes, but true. Now, are you still too angry to talk or will you come out of this hideous weather and let Uncle Comedy make you smile again?"

This was…_weird_. I was so used to thinking of him as a puppy or a child that seeing him act, well, _normal,_ kind of threw me off. Plus, the whole "Uncle Comedy" thing, when combined with that stuffed Borg Bunny hanging around his neck, just warped everything I had thought I knew about the god.

_Just go down there,_ REASON urged in exasperation.

Oh, what the hell. After stretching out my cold, creaking joints and eyeballing the distance to the ground, I slid off the branch and dropped down, yelping when a sharp pain shot through one cold foot and falling back against Yumoa, who helped me stand and walk off the shock.

"Ugh, I hate it when that happens," I groaned, wincing when I rolled my foot to stretch it out.

"Yeah, it always bites to get a Charlie horse," Comedy chuckled. From this close I could see that he had been out in the sleet almost as long as I had. His hair and clothes clung heavily to his head and limbs, dripping water and sloughing off ice every time he moved. "So what did Auntie say to you to make you so upset?" he asked suddenly.

Just as suddenly, I shot him an unhappy look. "It's no business of yours," I snapped.

He merely smiled, as though I were being naïve. "Oh, please. Of course it's my business. You're like family, what with being Kon's equivalent and all. Things are more fun if you're happy, and whatever Auntie said to you clearly made you unhappy. Ergo, things are boring now. You can tell me anything you want, you know. I'm not an idiot, contrary to popular belief, and I'm good at keeping secrets."

"I don't care if you swear in blood! It's not important enough to talk about, and that's the end of it."

To my surprise, he frowned at me, serious. "Lyds, she made you _cry_. I'd say that's pretty darn important."

Idiot. When I said no, I meant it.

"End of discussion, Yumoa," I replied sharply.

For a moment, he seemed about to argue, but in the end he gave up with a small shrug. "Fine, be stubborn. However, when you finally realize that a discussion is exactly what you need, Kon and I will be here for you—and don't argue with me."

I bit back the need to repeat myself, and set my mouth in a thin line, glaring at the slush around my cold, wet feet.

"Now," he said, smiling almost cheerfully, "let's go back and let Kon know that you're not dead. It's too cold out here for someone who just got over a fever like the one you had."

I nodded resignedly. I had an odd feeling that arguing with him on that point was about as pointless as giving CPR to a skeleton, and let him lead the way back to the inn.

* * *

**_(The Lack of an Improbability Factor)_**

_Konran stared hard at Kougaiji from his seat. He hadn't wanted to sit, but the weight of the Prince's words was enough to make the god's knees feel weak. The tale was absurd, impossible! His mother had faded out with all the eldest gods—the ones who had come before Zeus himself._

_But this wasn't what he was hearing. According to Kougaiji, Eris was still around, wreaking her special brand of havoc. So she hadn't merely become a personification. She was as alive and kicking as Venus._

"_But…" He hesitated, unsure of what exactly he wanted to say, then murmured at length, "Why does she want me dead? Yea Zeus, she's my **mother**."_

_Doku sighed and shook his head. "Our thoughts exactly, but we can't figure it out, either. She said something about Lydia tainting her bloodline, but that seems like a stupid reason to want her son killed."_

"_But shouldn't her target be Lydia, then?" the god demanded, startled. "Not that I want her to be, of course—I'd much rather prefer being the one under the axe than she—but it all seems a bit…much." His eyes wandered to the floor in contemplation._

"_The problem here is that she's a goddess," Kougaiji explained, the picture of utter reason. "She said that there are two choices: one, you die; or two, you marry another goddess. I think she sees what you feel for Lydia as a violation of her royal bloodline."_

_Konran gave him an incredulous frown. "And what does that have to do with anything? It's my choice to make! I won't pick anyone else."_

_Yaone fidgeted with the long hems of her sleeves, curled up in an armchair where it was warmer, and ventured cautiously, "She also said that if neither of those options is taken, she'll go after Lydia. Wouldn't it be better to choose?"_

"_I'm not giving up my life because someone tells me I should," he retorted sarcastically. _

"_Then how about a ruse of some sort?" she suggested softly. "If you pretend to be dead, or pretend to marry some other goddess, and it satisfies your mother, then once she's gone you can go back to your normal life."_

"_Oh? And how do you propose we go about doing this?" The god tried to restrain his anger, but this was all too impossible. Everything about what they were suggesting was just one more painful wound. He should have been happy that his mother was still alive, but instead he felt as though the world was trying to destroy everything he loved._

_He was beginning to see Lydia's point in calling him an "Irony God."_

"_Actually…" Doku began, only to trail off in uncertainty. He looked to Kougaiji for support, and the Prince gave a nod. "Well, there might be a way, but it would require your help in finding this supposed goddess."_

_Konran quirked an eyebrow. "'Supposed goddess,' you say. What does that mean?"_

"_It has to do with the original reason why we came here, before your mother stopped us in the woods," Kougaiji replied, frowning at his cold cup of tea. "Hwan's experiments were created using the genetic material of gods, meaning that what we are already after is a loose deity."_

_Chaos was borderline insulted. "As you might probably recall, I am **male**.A god is not what I am after, but thank you for the offer."_

"_One of them is female—the one we're looking for." Kougaiji's lavender eyes flicked up and caught Kon's gaze. "We can accomplish two tasks simultaneously if we manage to capture her, as well as convince your mother that you intend to marry her."_

"_But I don't even know this person!" Konran argued. "And what about Lydia? How will I be able to live with myself afterwards, regardless of whether or not it was all a ruse?"_

"_She's a smart girl. She'll understand that you were in a tight spot," Yaone reassured him._

_Kon slowly turned to the now-woman. "No. She'll never speak to me again. She will exact a pound of flesh and make stir fry out of it. She's completely ignorant of what's going on, but if I disappear for any length of time without explanations, she'll think the worst before anything else."_

"_Well, at least consider it," Dokugakuji requested, taking a sip of beer and setting it back on the table with a sigh. "We probably have enough time to act, and we need to find that missing experiment anyway."_

_Kougaiji nodded, and Yaone cleared her throat, drawing their stares. "Couldn't Seimei help us with tracking her? The Doctor said something about the three experiments sharing something like a mental link, and Seimei has been remarkably cooperative."_

_The Prince nodded musingly. "I suppose it's worth a try. When he gets back with dinner, we'll ask him."_

_Konran blinked, then slowly turned to frown at Kou. "Wait, you mean he's downstairs?"_

"_Yes, why?"_

"_Dammit!" The god stood suddenly, knocking the chair back. "Yumoa's returning with Lydia right now!"_

"_So? They have to find out sooner or later," Doku muttered, unsure as to why the god was panicking._

_Kon shook his head almost violently. "No, they don't. Yumoa least of all!"_

"_Why?" the three asked in chorus, wearing identical expressions of bafflement._

"_That should be obvious. If he finds out that he has a new 'friend' who looks exactly like him, I'll never be able to make him focus on anything important until Seimei is gone!" the god responded frantically, already running out the door._

* * *

**(Not-so-Triumphant Return)**

"There's the inn," Rhad sighed from my shoulder, leering at the storm clouds above as though cursing them in silence, and digging his sharp little claws into my drenched coat. "Chaos had better pay up or I'm going to ditch him entirely. That asshole doesn't deserve a friend like me."

"Hear hear," I replied with a nod, shivering with the cold and wishing in secret that I had Konran's bizarre ability to not feel inclement temperatures. It must have been nice to be able to ignore things like that.

"Both of you are so negative," Yumoa chided from the rear. "When we get in, Lyds will go straight to the bathroom and take a hot shower, and I'll hold the blow dryer for Rhadymanthus. If you get sick again, Lydia, Kon will have my head _and_ his own for not finding you sooner."

"Who made you boss?" I demanded halfheartedly, turning just enough to give him a mock-glare. I was too cold and tired and depressed to give enough of a damn to put much emotion into anything at the moment.

"I did, naturally." He smiled warmly and picked up his pace to walk alongside me. "Besides, I can't stand it when you're down in the dumps. It's freaky in a bad way."

I frowned, facing ahead once more and sighing wearily, "Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure. Anything at all."

My frown deepened. "Make that two: one, you stop being all serious, 'cause it's freaking me out and I'm too tired to waste energy on freaking out; and two, could you get Kon to bring Ryushi over? I miss my sword…"

He seemed to consider the requests, and after only a few seconds he laughed, "Yeah, why not? And when you get out of the shower, if you're feeling up to it, let's bring in the TV and play DDR on the dance pad."

"You brought a _television?!_" I cried in disbelief.

He gave a noncommittal shrug. "Is that a problem? I figured you'd like to watch TV. Anyway, c'mon! The inn's right there!"

As he hurried giddily ahead, reverting smoothly back into his usual self, I gave the bird an exasperated look and he rolled his eye at me before taking flight and zipping forward to escape the stupid weather.

"Everyone's ditching me," I murmured in mild irritation, trudging along at my snail's pace and reaching the door after everyone had already gone in. "Yo! Speedy Gonzales!" I called after the god when I stepped inside. "It's not nice to abandon your charge in the middle of a rescue mission!"

"Hiya Lydia!"

I frowned and scanned the bustling diner, but found no white hair.

"Over here!"

Upon closer inspection, I finally spotted whoever was calling, and had to blink several times to make certain that I wasn't hallucinating.

"Yumoa?" I demanded of the grinning person at the bar, who sat adjacent to a remarkably inebriated Sanzo. "_What did you do to your hair?!_"

"Huh?" He pouted slightly and felt his head, pulling locks of his fringe down to examine their status.

I almost had a heart attack. "Gah! Your eyes! They're _blue_!"

"Er…they've always been blue…and I don't see anything wrong with my hair."

"Lyds, why are you yellin' at that…AUGH! WHO ARE YOU?! YOU'RE ME! **_NO_! BUT…_I'M_ ME! _WAIT! AM _I ME?! WHO AM I?!**"

I jerked around in surprise, only to find myself face-to-face with the Yumoa I was familiar with, who at the moment was gaping in sheer astonishment at his identical twin and babbling nigh on incoherently. "Yumoa?"

Slowly, his eyes tore themselves away from the auburn version, and stuck to me. "I think so?"

"What the fuck?" Rhad coughed from the god's shoulder, only capable of gawking with one eye, but still managing to convey his deepest objections to what was going on.

"Who's that, then?" I jerked a thumb at the stranger, who now had several Styrofoam food boxes in front of him.

"Seimei," the stranger replied.

"I don't know you, but you look like me, so this is **_freaky!_**" Yumoa cried.

"Ah, so that's why you're so damn handsome!" laughed "Seimei" as the bartender approached and placed what looked an awful lot like a shot of sake in front of him.

Yeah. Totally not _my_ Yumoa. Yumoa didn't swear, drink, or do anything else that most twenty-one-year-olds did. Two and a half millennia notwithstanding—I mean, look at Bacchus! In short, this guy was basically normal. Yumoa, conversely, was not.

The real thing seemed to agree. "Hey! Don't curse! And drinking's bad!"

"Eh? Why not? I'm just here for the fun while Kon and Kou are arguing."

Ah.

"Why am I not surprised?" the bird mused to himself since no one was really paying any attention to him—except maybe the bartender, who was so flabbergasted in the presence of a talking bird that he forgot to tell us that pets were forbidden.

"Yumoa, come." I turned toward the stairs without a second thought, and after struggling to fight his urge to know who the hell this Seimei person really was, he at last managed to triumph over curiosity and trail behind. Once certain that he wasn't going to get distracted, I muttered, "Did Kon say anything about this?"

"No…" He seemed worried. "Lydia, I don't like people stealing my face! It's _creeeeeepy_!"

"Well, let's just go see what ass-hat has to say about it before you panic any further."

And speak of the devil, just as we were rounding the top of the steps, Chaos came out running and collided smack into me, knocking be backwards toward the staircase.

As I overbalanced and came to the realization that I might die from a fall down the stairs, I couldn't help but wonder to myself whether or not my foster parents would believe the tale. It was a ridiculous way to die, really.

However, that thought passed rather quickly when I felt the ground beneath me disappear and started the brief free-fall before I hit the steps.

"Kon!" I yelped instinctively, shutting my eyes tight and bracing myself for "bunnies." (1)

But rather than crashing to my untimely demise, there was a sound like paper scattering on the wind, and only a moment after that I fell against something softer than the hardwood flooring I had expected, jerking to a sudden stop. My heart was jack hammering like a terrified chipmunk, but slowly, I cracked my lids open and looked up to see Konran holding me like a damsel in distress, and looking more than just a little rattled.

That irritated me for some reason.

"What happened?!" someone was shouting, and at the top of the steps there appeared a rather flustered Yaone in what I could only describe as house scrubs—i.e., baggy, casual clothing. Close behind were Doku and Kougaiji, also dressed and appearing like normal human beings of this particular time period.

"Are you okay?" Kon murmured in concern, noting my drowned rat ensemble and unusual pallor, and frowning accordingly.

That irritated me even more.

"Am I _okay?!_" I cried in disbelief, throwing a proverbial fit and flailing while he tried to hold me still above the steps. "First, your aunt decides to emotionally assault me, then Comedy turns into the voice of REASON, _then_ I find out that he has a freaking _clone_, and _now_ you come barreling around the corner and nearly send me to an early grave! A little peace is all I need!"

He bore my tirade admirably, remaining silent and repentant the whole way through, but as soon as I was done talking, he sighed and started walking up the steps. "You need a shower, before you die of hypothermia."

"You _want_ me dead, don't you?" I hissed in accusation. "Put me down. I'll walk my own ass to the bathroom, thank you."

"No, I think I'll carry you," he responded shortly. "There's no telling what kind of havoc you might wreak in your solitude."

I paused, then glared. "You are _soooooo_ not taking a shower with me, ass-hat!"

"Lamentable," was all he muttered in reply.

Eh? What was _that _supposed to mean?

"What did you do?" Doku asked Kon as we passed by.

The god frowned. "I nearly knocked her down the steps," he barely whispered. "We'll finish our discussion once I put her to bed—I don't want a relapse of last night. Yumoa, you and Rhadymanthus go with them and _do not leave that room_, understood?"

"Uh, yeah…" Comedy murmured, frowning a little.

"I want my ruby!" Rhad reminded him with an indignant flap.

"Argh!" I shouted angrily, struggling harder and finding it utterly futile. "Who do you think you are?! I'm a big girl, dammit! Put me down you jackass!"

Kougaiji sighed, scratching his dark auburn hair and turning to go back to his room. "We'll be waiting."

Kon gave a short nod, and carried me kicking and screaming to our room.

* * *

**_(Argument)_**

"_Dammit, stop raining!" Gojyo muttered darkly, sick and tired of the stupid weather._

_Hakkai laughed, just as drenched as the kappa, but far more patient about it. "Actually, it's sleet, not rain," he corrected with a pleasant smile._

_Gojyo shot him an irritated frown, and with a resigned sigh, returned to the task at hand. "Whatever…wait. Hey, is that the monkey up there?"_

_The other followed his gaze and spotted the jogging figure up ahead, pausing in his steps when he realized that it was indeed the monkey. "Yes, that's Goku. I have no idea where he gets all that energy from."_

"_Well, that should be obvious," the water sprite chuckled. "It explains why he never gains weight no matter how much goddamn food he eats."_

_Hakkai smirked. "Ah, true."_

"_HEY GUYS!" Goku called as he approached, bringing their attention away from his metabolism. "YUMOA SAID HE FOUND LYDIA, SO WE CAN GO BACK!" He stopped a few feet away, drenched to the marrow and panting slightly from running almost constantly since leaving the Land Rover. When Yumoa and he hat at last found where Lydia was hiding out, the Comedy god had told him to go tell the other two, and Goku had been on this second manhunt ever since._

"_You ran the whole way?" Gojyo demanded incredulously. "It's fuckin' cold for a midday jog, y'know!"_

"_Shut up, pervy water sprite!" the young man snapped once he had caught his breath. "Lydia was in a tree, and Yumoa sent me to tell ya that it's gonna be okay, so we should just go back to th' inn."_

_Hakkai and Gojyo looked at each other, and laughed a little._

"_Well, I guess that would be just the kind of hiding spot for her," the former sighed, a little tired from walking so much out in the sleet. "Let's go back, then."_

"_I hear ya," Gojyo muttered. "I need a damn cigarette, but the weather's a real bitch today. I can't even get the lighter going. I wonder how tight-ass gets his to work on days like this."_

"_Well, he's usually indoors on days like this," Hakkai reminded him with a minute smile._

"_Ah, that's true. Bastard never does anything useful, does he?"_

_Goku scoffed in defense of his master, "Like you're any better, asshole! All you ever do is whine about not having girls around!"_

"_This, coming from the stupid ape who whines every five seconds about being hungry?!" the kappa shot back._

_Hakkai sighed and shook his head in familiar exasperation. "You two will never change, will you?"_

"_Hell no!" both cried at once, and immediately began arguing over who had the right to say what things, and who should "shut the fuck up" when others were trying to answer a question—which merely led to yet another argument over to whom the question was initially directed, and who should "quit thinkin' they're so damn important."_

_Naturally, the last sane man in this particular dimension didn't do much to intervene, other than an occasional light scolding over name-calling or a donation of two cents to a particular valid argument._

_No, they **three** would never change._

* * *

**(More Argument)**

When Konran at last set me on solid ground, my immediate reaction was to punch him in the gut. As usual, it brought him to his knees, cursing eloquently and glaring at me in resentment.

"Next time, I'm walking, and if you have a problem with that then just leave," I commanded vehemently, wagging a finger in his face.

He remained silent, and seeing that, I _hmph_-ed in annoyance and dropped my coat on a chair to dry, before stalking to the bathroom and slamming the door shut as loudly as I could.

I was going to doom that jackass to an eternity of unspeakable horrors once we got back to my world. And to think that I had actually started to believe that he wasn't such a hassle to have around! Just proved how dense I still was. That bastard must have been working some serious voodoo to cloud my perceptions.

Well, no more!

In the angriest manner I could manage, I shed my drenched rags and clambered into the tub, cranking up the heat and yelping when the hot water tried to cook me alive like a squishy lobster.

"Lydia, what's wrong!" Kon called through the door, sounding slightly panicked.

"Go the hell away!" I screamed right back, balancing the temperature and sighing with relief when it reached the optimum. "I'm too tired to deal with you right now!"

Instead of exiting noises, however, there was a rustle and a thump against the bathroom door.

Oh, hell no.

"What are you doing?" I asked slowly, scowling through the blurry glass at the honey-yellow oak separating me from my tormentor.

"I'm not leaving you," he replied stubbornly. "I'm sitting right here until you're done, and then I'm going to make sure you're not sick again when you go to bed."

"If you think you're sending me to bed like some pathetic little third grader, you are sadly mistaken, ass-hat!" I growled, squeezing the shampoo a little too hard and squirting it in my eye. "Argh, damn it all to HELL!"

"You should really learn to stop screaming," he muttered just loudly enough for me to hear him over the shower. "Why do you get so angry at me? Only me?"

That made me frown. "Huh?" I demanded while I tried to work the stupid cap on the shampoo. Did Pantene have rocket scientists designing their bottles or what? And again! _Pantene_ in Togenkyo?! It was Gojyo's, too, which explained why his hair was always so pretty. The kappa even used conditioner—which made me question several things at once.

"You're always getting mad at me," Chaos repeated a little more loudly through the wood, shaking me from my musing. "No matter what happens, you blame me if it's not in your favor. Why can't you ever just, I don't know, show some _kindness_?"

"What the hell is he talking about?" I muttered to REASON as I finally figured out the flip-top and got to cleaning my scalp.

_I think he wants you to be nice to him,_ the voice muttered dryly, as though I were being an irrational idiot.

Stupid voice. "If you want kindness, then quit dragging me into your personal issues!" I shot back at the god. "I never asked to be kidnapped, maimed, or generally abused—you did this all to me of your own free will! So forgive me if I'm a tad bitter toward you for ruining my life." That was some nerve he had, demanding that I show him kindness when he was the one throwing my world into a tail spin.

At last, he was quiet. I waited, but no retort came, and feeling slightly less irritated now that it was thankfully silent, I finished up my lovely shower, wrapped myself up in an enormous fluffy green towel, and opened the door to step out.

"You are utterly ridiculous," Konran muttered from his seat on the floor with his back against the opposite wall and his arms around his knees. His glowing phthalocyanine green eyes frowned up at me almost morosely. "You are cruel and uncompromising, and what's more, you are totally and completely _blind_ to what is blatantly obvious."

Too enraged to even listen, I glared venomously at him and pointed to the exit. "Leave right this second, or so help me, I'll kill you with my bare hands."

"Would you? Really?"

I blinked, startled at his tone. "Have you been drinking again?"

He shook his head. "No. Now answer the damn question: do you really want me dead, or is that just something you say as a defense against certain thoughts?"

"_Anger…perhaps that is your defense mechanism?" _

Damn that Venus!

"Shut up and go away," I snapped, turning abruptly to find my pajamas. An impromptu psychoanalysis was the absolute _last_ thing on my list of things to do before nap time.

As expected, however, he didn't listen to me. "Lydia, if I left, what would you do?"

"Change my clothes without the most noticeable voyeur in the world watching my every move, that's what," I grouched, gathering up my things and carrying them into the bathroom again so that I could change. It took mere moments in my rage, and when I came out wearing a dark green nightgown and carrying the towel, he was still there.

"No, I mean _permanently_."

Despite my struggle not to, I frowned at him in consternation while I toweled off my hair. "Say what?"

"If I left and never came back, would that bother you at all?" he repeated, taking a seat in the chair which was still situated beside the bed where I had convalesced, and where I was now attempting do dry my uncooperative head.

_He's being serious,_ REASON whispered in slight awe. _What's he trying to say?_

I ignored the voice and replied sharply, "What does it matter? They still haven't found a cure for cancer, so there's currently no way to get rid of you. You might go away for a bit, but sooner or later you'll be back to torture me some more. Difference is that tumors can at the very least be surgically removed. You, unfortunately, cannot."

"Are you being absolutely honest with yourself, or are you just spouting nonsense again to cover up what you really think?" he asked quietly, his expression inscrutable. "What did my aunt say to you, Lydia? Why are you being cold again?"

"Because it's cold outside?" I was in no mood to discuss that stupid, conniving, irritating LOVE goddess.

Suddenly, he was gone, lost in the shadows as he scattered, and only a moment later he was sitting beside me, frowning from a notably stifling distance. "What did she say to you?" he reiterated.

I flinched despite myself, and gave him the proper glower he deserved. "Shut up."

"No! You were upset, and you are _still _upset, whether you want to admit it or not!" he growled, grabbing my arm forcefully. "She made you **_cry_**, Lydia! Since when do the remarks of others make you cry?! Stop being such an insufferable wretch and _talk to me_! What else am I here for, **_if not for you?!_**" He froze in surprise then, as though he had said something irrevocable, and let go of me very slowly.

I scoured his eyes for clues as to what the hell was going on in his head, but got nothing particularly useful. "You're not here for me, Kon. You're here for yourself," I said tightly. "And your aunt can go to hell, for all I care. I'll take her myself."

He frowned. "If you mean what I think you mean, then there is a lot more going on here than a simple matter of her digging at your old wounds. Please don't do anything stupid."

"Chaos, leave me alone," I sighed, tossing the towel away and sliding off the bed to crawl into my futon. "Actually, find somewhere else to sleep tonight, as well." Ah, warm blankets and my pillow—they were the only friends I had left against the madness around me.

"Oh, no you don't!" In an instant, he was on the futon with me, holding my wrists in the grip of one hand and pinning my legs with his own. "Are you still sick or not?" He asked as though he weren't doing anything wrong or irritating, and pressed his free hand to my forehead.

"Let! Me! Go! Ass! Hat!" I shouted injustice, twisting my body as much as I could, but getting nothing out of the attempt. A curse upon his very soul for being strong enough to restrain _me_!

"Ah, you seem fine," he muttered, releasing me abruptly and sitting up at my side.

"I hate your proverbial guts," I seethed, punching his knee.

He gave my halfhearted punch an odd look, fought and lost against a smirk, then actually laughed, "No, you don't. If you did, I'd be dead by now—immortality or no."

I was quiet for a bit, my rage burning away to ash in the presence of weariness and that damn laugh. Unlike Hakkai, whose laugh made me worry for my personal well-being; and Goku, whose laugh originated from the purest, most innocent love for life and meatbuns; Kon's laugh was almost sweet in its simplicity. He laughed because he was happy or amused—that was it, devoid of ulterior motives or hidden secrets or profound meanings. I hated to admit it, but it was a welcome relief that he was more normal than I was.

At length I muttered, "You're not really leaving, are you?"

"Not if you don't want me to." A sly look came upon his face. "Do you want me to leave?"

_No, you don't!_ REASON shouted at me, banging a metaphorical bat against the back of my head.

"Not really," I murmured aloud, flipping my hair behind me so that it could dry more easily. "And I guess you can sleep here if you have nowhere else to go…"

He smiled a little, and took my hand to give it a gentle squeeze. "Then I promise to stay for as long as you want me around," he whispered. "You must be exhausted, though, so even if it is only five in the afternoon, a little nap won't hurt. When you wake up, I'll have your medication ready, and I'll fill you in on what's going on with Kougaiji and Seimei."

"Hear hear," I sighed, closing my eyes and curling into a ball to sleep. "You're right—I don't really hate you."

"Oh, really…?"

"Yeah. You're just really annoying about eighty percent of the time. The rest of the time you're not so bad, I guess."

"Oh, I feel so much better about my odds," he chuckled mock-sarcastically, just as my mind slipped into the realm of dreams.

* * *

_**(Advent)**_

_Once the inn was in sight, Gojyo and Goku abruptly ceased their inane—though amusing—squabbles and celebrated their return to warmth and shelter. It had become, at this point, more than apparent as to why the earliest hominids had left the trees and sought sanctuary in dank caves. It does not rain in a cave, whereas trees are no more waterproof than a sieve._

_Growing even more apparent, however, was the intelligence gap between the two squabblers and their keeper _pro tempore_, Hakkai._

"_It kind of pisses me off that you only brought an umbrella for yourself, 'Kai," the kappa grumbled, inwardly lamenting the havoc which the weather was, at present, wreaking upon his prized hair._

"_You should plan better," the man-turned-youkai replied simply, though not without a hint of smugness. "Both of you just go running out without a moment's thought over what might happen."_

"_But it was an emergency!" defended Goku, taking offense to the implied concept that he was perhaps intellectually on par with the pervy water sprite. "I had ta run, 'cause Yumoa was draggin' me, and then when we found Lydia, he had me go find you guys!"_

"_Only idiots blame others for their stupidity," Gojyo taunted smartly._

"_You friggin' jerk! I'm kickin' your ass once I get somethin' ta eat!" the monkey declared profoundly._

"_Oh, really now? And how're you gonna do that if you're such a little wuss?"_

"_That's it! You're mine, water sprite!" The **nyoi-bo** materialized into Goku's open hands and he twirled it once before aiming it at Gojyo's head._

"_Both of you, stop it!" Hakkai ordered suddenly._

_The cudgel flashed out of existence just as quickly as it had appeared, and the two battle-ready "children" of their little pseudo-family—Hakkai and Sanzo being Mommy and Daddy, respectively—turned to frown at Hakkai, half-surprised and half-irritated at the interruption._

"_What's up?" asked Goku._

"_I think that person over there is waiting for us," he responded softly, frowning in mild consternation. "Gojyo, have you been fooling around again? She's been standing there since we came around the corner, watching us." One emerald eye turned to narrow suspiciously at the kappa, who shook his head rapidly and held both hands up to denote his innocence._

"_I haven't messed around in this town at all yet…except for the one I let go…" He brightened notably. "Why? Is she here for me?"_

_Goku gave him a long, hard stare. "You're really stupid, you know that? What was she? A fish?"_

"_Goku…" The Evil Eye turned on the monkey then, who fell silent without argument. "Well," Hakkai sighed, once certain that the two were finished acting like rivaling siblings, "let's at least go see what she wants."_

_They walked up to the inn, near enough to see that the girl silhouetted by the front door's window was wearing a remarkably suggestive outfit, and sheltering herself with a bright pink, elaborately embroidered parasol—which, it must be noted, is **not** for use in weather conditions such as these._

_She was also blonde with phosphorescent chartreuse eyes—platinum blonde—not to be confused with Sanzo blond, which had much more character and substance._

"_Um, hello?" Hakkai laughed uncertainly at the foot of the steps to the inn. "May I ask why you were waiting for us?"_

_The Goku-height girl let out a high, tittering giggle. "Aw, no, silly!"_

"_Then who…?" Hakkai never actually finished his question, because the girl chose that moment to close her parasol and fold it up neatly._

_The three wanted to scream. Yes, even Hakkai, who for once was the one upon whom the terror was being instilled, for there before them stood one of the most horrifying sights any mortal could behold. (2)_

"_I'm here to see Chaos!" the girl told them with another cutesy giggle._

_It was Lydia. A blonde Lydia. A pink, frilly, suggestive, cutesy, girly, blonde Lydia._

"_I think I'm going to be sick…" Goku wheezed, blanching at the sight—and, for once, the kappa and monocle were of the same opinion as the monkey._

_Indeed, vomit looked to be a rather appropriate reaction right about then._

* * *

**_(Author's Note)_**

_(1) In the first fic, Lyds refers to pain as "bunnies" in order to block the unpleasantness, and it has been resurrected for your literary amusement._

_(2) Wow…check out the wording in that sentence! Whew!_

_(insane, evil laughter) LOOOOOOONG, wasn't it?_

_EVEN MORE MADNESS!!!! That last bit was inspired, in part, by my pal **GryphonWonder14**, who wrote a beautiful Mary-Sue bash for the Hellsing manga. I love it when Hakkai gets to be boss while Sanzo's out of commission, and I love Yumoa…simply love. His reaction to his clone made me happy inside. Plus, Kon makes it back into Lydia's good graces…though, knowing me, you should have already figured out by now that his happiness shall be fleeting, at best._

_I apologize for making you all wait, but wasn't it worth it?! PLEASE REVIEW!!! It sustains me during those long, lonely nights while I'm slaving away at my computer._

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	11. Love: The Supreme Enigma

**The Sequel: Chapter XI

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_Oooooh. I'm evil. You KNOW I am, 'cause there's that freaky Lydiclone (that's what I like to call it) thing back at the inn. Only pure evil—or perhaps a rather sick sense of humor—could have created such a monstrosity._

_In other news, my printer is out of ink, and therefore cannot scan the picture I want to scan—which I am fully aware does not make an iota of sense, but meh. Epson's an ass._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"If you're really a Goth, then where were you when we SACKED ROME?"—Internet Bumpersticker_

"_No husband can have a happy life if his wife doesn't want him to."—Lysistrata, Aristophanes' Lysistrata_

"_I have great faith in fools—self-confidence my friends call it."—Edgar Allan Poe_

"_No one rejoices more in revenge than woman. (Lat., Vindicta Nemo magis gaudet quam foemina.)—Juvenal_

* * *

**_Love: The Supreme Enigma_**

_**(Somewhere in the Woods)**_

"_Come on! It's just a little rain!" Lirin cried in exasperation at the dragon, which had landed against her will some distance from their destination, and had taken refuge beneath a wide, bushy elm._

_The dragon gave her a resentful snort, clearly disagreeing with her description of the current weather conditions, and proceeded to settle on its haunches and rest until said conditions had improved. Regardless of the fact that it had been trained to obey its masters, this particular dragon had some sense, and found it ridiculous that anyone should find it necessary to prod it to go on at present._

_It took only moments for the Princess to become frustrated with the beast, and she stomped her foot in a huff, "Fine! I'll leave you here, but at least point the way to big brother!"_

_The dragon sagely contemplated the request, before deftly raising a folded wing and pointing north._

_Lirin frowned into the thick forest, steeling herself for the long walk. "All right, but don't ya dare leave 'til I come back, got that?"_

_The beast nodded once, then lay its head upon its front claws, intent on taking a much-needed nap._

"_Dammit, next time I'm takin' the other one," she muttered to herself, trudging out from under the sheltering branches and into the wet, dripping cold surroundings. "They'd better still be there when I finally reach the stupid village."_

_Of course, the young youkai girl had no way of knowing that perhaps, in this one case, it would have been better to stay home and play Parcheesi with the guards, for heinous and unspeakable things were at that very moment acting out in the very location she sought._

* * *

**_(The Inn: Upstairs)_**

_After waiting long enough for the girl to fall asleep and chat for a bit, Konran closed the door lightly behind him, beginning to feel that perhaps all was not yet lost. He was now convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lydia really **did** want him around, but was too stubborn and naïve to realize it. It was all a simple matter of time—something which the god had more than enough to spare._

_However, his contentment was fleeting, at best, for just as he reached the entrance to Kougaiji's, Yaone's, and Dokugakuji's room, a cacophony arose from below the banister surrounding the second floor. Curious, he looked down and caught a glimpse of three people bursting into the inn, two of which were shouting incoherently, whereas the third remained tacit and merely flustered. The blur of motion marked a course for the stairs, zipped up like a gust of wind, and stopped abruptly before the god, gasping and panting, and looking just generally disturbed._

"_Where's Lydia?!" cried the first blur, whom the god could now discern was a notably soaked Goku._

"_Sleeping, why?" Konran cast a wary look to the second and third blurs—Gojyo and Hakkai—and found himself dreading what their reply would be._

"_It's Lydia!" Gojyo gasped, gripping the railing as though not to would result in his immediate derangement. He, too, was soaked to the bone, and staining a nice rug._

"_A rather frightening version of her, at least…" Hakkai added, trailing off and giving the god a sheepish, halfhearted smile. He held an umbrella in one hand, but the wind had clearly whipped up enough water to leave him fairly damp as well._

_The god didn't like this at all. "A—a 'version' of Lydia, you say?" The three nodded silently. "What exactly do you mean by that?"_

"_There's some chick out front lookin' for you, and she looks **exactly like Lydia!**" Gojyo quickly explained, motioning frantically towards the entrance, which was mostly visible from their vantage point._

_**Ka-chak.**_

_The four of them turned at once at the sudden noise to see the authentic Lydia standing in her doorway, frowning, bleary-eyed, and evidently irritated. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she muttered, still so drowsy that she couldn't work up enough anger to yell. It was more than obvious that she needed her medication._

_After a quick glance to the other three, Konran put on what he hoped was a placating smile and went over to her, gently taking hold of her shoulder and ushering her back in. "We apologize for waking you," he said mechanically. "We'll be quiet. You can sleep now."_

_However, having been professionally trained in the ways of interpreting suspicious behavior, her response was to shoot her hand up and grip a handful of his thick hair, before yanking his face level with hers and uttering slowly, "You have three seconds to tell me what's up or I'll shave you in your sleep."_

"_Honestly! They're just talking about the bizarre weather!" the god replied in a rush. "Can't you see that they're soaking wet?!"_

_The girl frowned at him, then looked past him at the three drowned rats. "Oh…okay." She let go suddenly, and the god righted himself. "You can keep your hair," Lydia muttered, "but only if you people keep it down while I'm trying to get some shut-eye." And with that last, she reentered her room and swung the door shut._

_After rejoining the drowned rats, the god let out a small sigh of relief, then nodded silently toward the entrance of the inn. Not needing to be told twice, the three took up the lead and Konran followed, keeping his mouth shut until they had reached a place where Lydia couldn't possibly hear them…_

…_which was all well and good, because the moment they reached that place, Konran was accosted by a pink smear just under the extended awning of the inn's front entrance, and let out a cry of utmost protest when he realized what that pink smear actually was._

"_Konran, sweetie-pie! How's my favorite naughty god doing these days?" gushed the inappropriately dressed and freakishly perky girl who clung to the god like a fanatical koala._

"_Ye Zeus! Get it off me!" the god yelped in response, struggling to pry her wandering hands from his body. They were wandering toward places they had no business visiting._

_Goku and Gojyo went right into action, grabbing hold of one thigh-highed leg each and pulling as hard as they could. Unfortunately, she stuck like glue, and as they tugged she slipped further and further down his torso, until the spot where she eventually ceased to slide was perhaps the least desirable location imaginable in Kon's mind. Frantically, he tried to shove her face away, which resulted in him getting bitten notably hard on the thigh._

_Hakkai watched in embarrassment as this continued for several seconds, hoping silently that the innkeeper didn't kick them out, then at last he decided that perhaps it was time to free the poor deity from his fleshy shackles, and calmly pinched a nerve at the girl's nape after digging through the thick, pale blond hair._

_Instantly, she dropped like a marionette into a mud puddle._

_Kon scrambled back and gripped the awning's post, putting it between the creature and himself as though it would protect him should she awaken too soon. "What the hell is this?!" he cried, peering around the painfully thin pole and pointing in shock at what looked too much like **his** Lydia. Yes, **HIS**. He had long ago assumed possession, though if this knowledge were ever to leak out, he would be summarily stoned, hung, drawn, decapitated, decoronated (1), and quartered—then burned, only to have his ashes spread across running water. (2)_

"_We don't know," Hakkai replied calmly, a mostly harmless smile plastered on his face to restrain his amusement. It would be rude to make fun of Konran. "We came back after Goku told us that Yumoa had found Lydia, and when we arrived **this** was here."_

"_It's too weird!" Goku complained, poking at the unconscious form with his shoe and grimacing in distaste._

"_It **bit** me! I think this goes beyond weird!" Kon snapped a little shrilly, he looked at the bite, and winced at the trickle of blood darkening his already dark jeans. "Okay, we're going to behead it and hide the body in the woods, got that?" He frowned at the prone figure and felt his eye twitch involuntarily._

_The three of them were suddenly gawking at him in astonishment. "Behead?" Gojyo muttered incredulously. "Don't you think that's a little much?"_

_After a thought, he nodded. "Okay, good point. I don't want to touch it, either."_

_A sweatdrop appeared on the kappa's head. "Uh, I didn't mean it like that."_

_Konran wasn't listening, though. Actually he was already walking away, apparently heading for the Land Rover._

"_Where…where are you going?" Hakkai inquired as carefully as he could without bursting into laughter._

"_I'm getting Yumoa and Lydia, and we're leaving!" the god declared, taking a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocking the vehicle. "If I'm lucky, we'll get far enough away that I won't ever have to explain this to her."_

"_Konran, please reconsider," Hakkai implored reasonably while fighting even harder to win over control of his facial expressions. "Lydia will almost certainly suspect that something is going on; and then what will you do?"_

"_Yeah." Goku added. "It's not fair ta keep it from her, and if she finds out that ya did, won't she just get pissed?"_

_The god froze at those words, half in and half out of the vehicle with a bowie knife in one hand and a lighter and a can of hair spray in the other. We won't discuss what he was planning to do with those particular implements of destruction. "Ye gods…"_

"_See, man?" Gojyo attempted to console, walking up and placing a hand on the god's shoulder in camaraderie. "You just gotta tell her the truth. If we're lucky, she won't flip out."_

_Kon turned a sharp eye on the kappa. "Tell me: what are the statistics on that, do you think? Have you any idea at all how many times I've vouched for truth and ended up with a broken rib?"_

"_At least she won't kill you…" he offered nervously, drawing on the only fitting response he could come up with._

"_Um…she's waking up."_

_All heads snapped around to Goku, who was pointing uncertainly to the twitching body in the mud. It shuddered, coughed, and in mere seconds it was sitting up and glaring at Hakkai._

"_That was a dirty trick!" she shrieked, starting to bawl uncontrollably. Once she saw the mud covering her clothes, she cried even harder, like a broken bird yearning for the sky. It was a piteous sight. They couldn't fight the rush of sympathy she evoked in all of them._

_Wait…_

"_No!" Konran shouted, gripping his hair and pulling it hard enough for the pain to tug him out of whatever the hell she was doing to his brain. "Kill it! Just kill that creature and be done with it!"_

_She cried even harder, and the waves of sobbing increased in volume until they resonated against the windows of the car and nearby buildings, threatening an explosion of glass. It was so loud and painful that they thought they would break down, sobbing tears of blood from ruptured vessels._

_And then…_

_**Ga-CHUNK!**_

_The inn door flew open without forewarning and smashed against the back of the girl's head, instantly knocking her out._

"_Would somebody like to explain to me **who the fuck** is screaming bloody murder?" demanded a dangerously quiet Genjyo Sanzo. He was still casually dressed, as though he had come to terms at last with the idea of hanging around for days on end doing nothing but drinking himself to death and monitoring the idiots who plagued his life._

_Slowly, the four of them pointed hesitant fingers at the limp form of the girl, who had collapsed on her side behind the door._

_The monk frowned in irritation, then looked to see what the source of all this irritation was. "What is it? It looks like the Stray. Is she finally dead?" No, that was **not** hope in his voice—or so he forced himself to believe._

_Konran glared at the priest. "I'm sorry to crush your aspirations, but the **real **Lydia is still very much alive. **This** thing is a clone…in a manner of speaking."_

"_Shit…I have **no** luck."_

"_Excuse me?!"_

_Sanzo ignored the god. "So is it dead? It looks enough like the Stray—that's a **kind** of satisfaction, I suppose."_

_Kon didn't know whether to scream or kill something. The creature was still breathing, and even if it had Lydia's face, the fact that it was an abomination and an insult to his intelligence was enough reason to kill it dead. "It's alive. Shoot it if you'd like. I'll be upstairs guarding the real one." At that, he stalked past the priest and into the inn, but not before shoving the door open further and slamming it a few times against the impostor's head for good measure._

_Once he was gone, Hakkai gave Sanzo a reproving frown. "That was uncalled for, Sanzo. He's very protective of Lydia."_

_The monk drew a cigarette out of his sleeve and lit up under the awning, then blew out a stream of smoke and muttered flatly. "I don't care. His problems are not my problems, and he can do whatever the fuck he wants as long as it doesn't piss me off, but what about this thing here?"_

"_I think we should at least bring her in and clean her up…" Goku murmured with a concerned frown. "I kinda feel bad, 'cause she really wanted ta see Kon, but he didn't want anythin' ta do with her."_

_Sanzo gave the boy a long look, then turned and went back inside. "Do what you want. Just don't put it in my room. If you do, no more food. Put it in Kougaiji's room."_

_Goku looked stricken, and gaped after his master as though he'd been shot. Only after Gojyo ruffled his hair in a brotherly manner did he regain his senses and look up. "What?"_

"_We'll put her up in Kougaiji's room," the kappa replied, nodding toward the clone. "They have an extra bed."_

"_Do you think they'll mind?" Hakkai asked uncertainly._

"_I talked to my bro in the hall when I went on that beer run, and he said that they're lookin' for a short blonde girl. This one here looks about right. We'll ask when we go up."_

"_Oh…all right then." Though he assented, the monocle-clad youkai wasn't entirely certain, but there didn't appear to be any other choice. "Gojyo, lend me your coat—I know you have several, so don't argue."_

_Deflated that he had to ruin another perfectly good coat, the water sprite grudgingly muttered, "Damn," and handed the garment over. "You owe me, 'Kai."_

_Hakkai had Goku assist in wrapping the girl up then carried her in himself while the other two cast uneasy looks around to make sure that no one was watching. They could only speculate as to what the real thing would do when confronted with her twin—though it must be noted that whether one or the other were the **evil** twin was still up in the air. Lydia **was** left-handed, after all._

* * *

_**(The Heavens)**_

_Kannon had spent about two hours listening to Venus' musings and conjectures as to what had happened to totally screw up Lydia's emotional capacity. The Love goddess had no background history on the girl, but it was obvious that **some**thing had occurred, so now the question was blah, blah, blah…et cetera…_

_After the second hour, during which Eris was still AWOL and probably decimating an island population through clever political manipulation, the Merciful Goddess had had enough. She needed some fresh air, and excused herself with the justification that some mortals required a bit of mercy down in what would one day become New Delhi._

_One theatrical flash of light later, the goddess' feet touched down on the solid Earth before the inn where the Sanzo party was staying, along with the Kou Crew (she liked the ring of that) and Konran's mini-band of oddities. Slipping behind one of the many metaphorical curtains which divided the subdimensions of this plane was simple, and nobody, not even Goku or Sanzo himself, noticed as she passed by in all her translucent, resplendent glory._

_Her target was in Kougaiji's room, taking part in an in-depth discussion concerning the Lydiclone, so she waited patiently outside of the room for him to exit. She took advantage of the relative silence and tried to memorize it for when she went back and found it necessary to go to a "happy place" while Venus prattled on like a narcissistic runaway train. _

_There was only so much inane chatter which a person who hated boredom could withstand in a single sitting._

* * *

_**(An Enlightening Discussion)**_

"_Seriously, I think Konran's gonna come and kill her in her sleep or something," Gojyo was saying while Hakkai and Yaone tended to the minor injuries of the unconscious clone. Yaone had taken the girl in the bath and cleaned her up beforehand. Remarkably, she had no lasting fractures or bruises—perhaps Kougaiji hadn't been yanking their chain after all when he'd told them that the clones had originated from divine DNA._

"_That doesn't seem like something he would do…" Dokugakuji rejoined thoughtfully. "Then again, after how you say he reacted, he might be slipping again."_

"_Slipping?" Hakkai pressed as he anointed a cut on the girl's forearm and wrapped it in gauze. Hakuryu was on the nightstand, handing him scissors and other implements as his master asked for them._

_Kougaiji nodded and contemplated his cup of coffee—he doubted very much whether he would get any sleep tonight. "When he first showed up, Konran was as cruel and unforgiving as a person could possibly be. There was one time when a soldier took too long in retrieving food for his pet raven, and as punishment he chained the soldier to a surgical slab and sawed his arm off to feed the bird." The prince shuddered involuntarily as images of the stricken soldier resurfaced. "That wasn't long ago at all…and I would never have let it happen if I had known about his presence earlier."_

_Gojyo stared at Kougaiji in blatant shock. "Really? No way! Kon's such a…well, he doesn't have the backbone for that kind of thing anymore, I don't think."_

"_No, I think he still might," the latter replied flatly. "While he was still at the castle, he told me once that because of the fact that he's the essence of Chaos, his personality can change on a whim."_

"_Bah!" Yumoa shouted indignantly from his windowsill vantage point, startling everyone. He was waiting for Rhadymanthus to return with some healing herbs. "Kon's a good person. Chitsu was the one makin' Kon bad. My cousin's powerful, and sure he's crazy, but he knows how to control himself."_

"_Granted, but since this is Lydia we're talking about—along with the clone, I mean—wouldn't it make sense that Konran is a little bit more susceptible to violent personality shifts?" Kougaiji asked, finally giving in to pick up the mug and take a sip._

"_He's a good person," Comedy reiterated a little more firmly._

"_He **did** smash her head repeatedly with the door…" Hakkai murmured with an inappropriately placed chuckle._

"_Um…his hand slipped?" the childlike god muttered halfheartedly, beginning to realize that perhaps his cousin **was** acting a bit kooky._

"_And since he feels that the real Lydia is under threat, he's probably more likely to take drastic protective measures," Yaone sighed, carefully cutting the thread she had stitched through a slice on the girl's smooth, milky cheek. Hakuryu obligingly took the needle from her and dropped it in a cup of disinfectant. "Plus, I have a feeling that he's the obsessive, possessive type."_

"_That ain't no lie," Gojyo agreed wholeheartedly. "He's careful about hiding his true intentions, but he'd probably rather die than let anything get between them—or, more likely, he'd rather have the obstacle die—which is funny, since it's almost entirely one-sided." He stretched his arms skyward from his sofa seat and yawned, then stood and made for the door. "Hey, I'll be back in a few."_

"_Where are you going?" Yumoa asked, frowning just a little because of all the negative discussion about his best friend and favorite cousin._

"_I need a cigarette," the kappa explained with a tired sigh. "Shit's happening faster than last time—we can't seem to catch a break. Plus the ones in my pocket got soaked in the rain. It'll only take a few minutes. I should also probably go make sure Sanzo didn't kill the ape in a drunken rage or give away the gold card."_

_He stepped out and shut the door so that no one passing down the hall could eavesdrop, though why any sane person would believe that their conversation was in all seriousness escaped him entirely. Hell, even **he** thought that it was kind of absurd, despite the fact that he had seen everything with his own eyes._

"_You. We need to talk." And just like that, Kannon was blocking his path in the hall, giving him an uncompromisingly resolute look._

"_Shit!" the water sprite yipped, before abruptly stopping such unmanly noises from leaving his voice box ever again. "What are you doing, jumping in front of people randomly and shouting orders like that?!" he hissed._

_She smirked. "You can talk normally. Nobody will hear you in this particular subdimension."_

_He frowned, before examining his surroundings a little more closely and realizing that the colors were a bit off. He was almost positive that the hallway runner hadn't been such a violent shade of purple when he'd gone in. "Well, hell…"_

"_Not really. That one's a little further south. Anyway, I have something important to ask you about Lydia." There was no point in toeing the line. She wanted to know as soon as possible._

_Itching for nicotine, Gojyo was in just as much of a rush as she was. "Shoot, then. I can't promise anything, but…"_

"_You should know at least a little about the girl's past, correct?" the goddess inquired shrewdly. "You and she had a conversation about life and death once, didn't you?"_

_He tried to recall, and frowned slightly. "Well…there was that time where she beat me with the holy man's paper fan. She said that she wasn't afraid of death, just of dying."_

"_No, that's not it. What was it that you talked about before you talked about that?" Kannon knew that he had the information she needed. It was all a matter of milking it out of him. "I think she was talking about when she was in a gang war or something. I missed some of it because Jiroshin forced me to go to this pointless ceremony."_

"_A gang?" After some thought, his crimson eyes widened a bit and he looked at the goddess in doubt. "Yeah…something about how that was when she first killed someone because she chose to, not because some voice was controlling her. It was to protect her leader, I think."_

"_Her leader, eh?" Kannon mused, a smile spreading slowly across her face. "How old was she?"_

"_Lydia? Twelve or thirteen, she said. What's with all these questions, anyway?" A cigarette could wait now. He wanted to find out what was going on._

"_What was her leader's name?"_

_He frowned in consternation, thinking hard, then shook his head. "Nope. I can't remember. I think it started with an 'R' or something, but I'm getting nothing. Why are you so interested all of a sudden, though? Is it really that boring being immortal? Konran seems to get along fine."_

"_Yes, it is, and Konran only gets along because he spends all of his time on Earth, not in the Heavens surrounded by stuffy old traditionalists. As for why I'm asking you all of this, I'm just trying to figure out why asking such a simple question could bring that girl to tears and make her run away from Konran and Venus." A pensive look put a thin crease between her fine brows._

"_What happened, exactly?"_

_The goddess shrugged a little, as if to convey her inability to fathom the mechanics just yet. "Apparently, Venus asked Lydia if she had ever been in love before. Venus wanted to know why the girl seems so emotionally defunct in that aspect, so she asked and Lydia made death threats in response. When Konran showed up, he found her **crying**, of all things, and when he tried to comfort her, she actually had a panic attack and ran away._

"_It's obvious that the answer was yes, but she's almost certainly blocking something out to the point where she doesn't even realize that she can't feel that emotion properly anymore. The only puzzle piece we need now is **who**. Who was it that she loved, and what exactly happened to make her block it all out?"_

_Gojyo mulled it over for a bit, then offered slowly, "I have a hunch that it might have been her gang leader. She said he was killed—but that was as much detail as I ever got."_

_Kannon nodded wisely. "Hmm…I should do some research on the other side, then. Thanks for the help."_

_Flash. Gone._

_The hallway quite abruptly reverted back to its original color scheme, and after a moment to mutter some choice curses about deities with no manners, the kappa resumed his task of finding some cigarettes and seeing what Goku and the monk were up to. He had learned through his experiences that the best way to handle random, bizarre events was to survive first, then move on as though nothing at all had happened._

* * *

_**(Further Discussion)**_

_It was beginning to seem as though Chaos was cursed. Perhaps his sister had cursed him before being sent to the Void dimension—twins had such close mental connections after all. Of course, it was just as likely that he was simply looking for an excuse to allay any blame which might have been his to receive._

_Lydia was sleeping peacefully, and her occasional muttering helped ground the god in what was important. It was imperative that he keep her conscious half from finding anything out until he was certain that she wouldn't go berserk._

"_Kon…"_

_He lifted his head from the sofa cushion and looked down at her sleeping face. "Hmm?"_

_She turned on her side and curled into a huddled lump under the covers, before replying breathily, "What's wrong?"_

_It made him both happy and sad to hear her ask that. Happy, because she was concerned—sad, because her conscious half would have been more inclined to chuck a brick at his head than to show any concern. "This is getting ridiculous," he muttered dispassionately. "There's a clone of you, too. She's blonde, girly—your complete opposite. I hate it."_

_When he looked at her again, she was smiling. "Poor baby…" she teased softly. "You sound like…you need…a hug…"_

_He couldn't stop himself from giving a cynical snort, "You know damn well that I want more than a hug, Lydia." Then again, a hug was a good start._

_She sighed, "I know…but it's up to…the conscious…half…"_

"_Unfortunately." He was starting to feel depressed again._

"_Neither half…hates you…You know that…right?" She frowned a little, clearly worried about his state of mind. "Both want you…to stay…with us…"_

"_And **you** realize that that isn't enough for me, don't you?" he responded tersely. "I've finally found the one thing in the universe that can bring me to my knees. I'm a greedy bastard, and I'm not stopping until I finally get what I want."_

"_You should probably…be a little…more forceful…then…The conscious half…won't give in against…a weaker foe…"_

"_And if the conscious half just gets mad and tries to kill me again?" he muttered._

"_Oh, you know…you like it…when she hits you…" she chuckled in fragments._

_That made him smile, and slowly he slid to the floor beside her and brushed some hair from her face. In response, she turned to his palm and nuzzled it with a gentle sigh. It was enough to make his cynicism evaporate._

"_I'm still tired…" she murmured vacantly. He could see that she was going to fade out when the REM cycles came. "Tell the other half…about the clone…She deserves…to know…and it's entirely…her choice…"_

"_Fine…" he acceded grudgingly, disliking the thought of the two of them in the same room. "Also, I have to ask before you go under: how was it that Venus was able to make you cry?"_

_It was more than apparent that she didn't feel comfortable with the question, but after about of a minute of thinking and digging through discarded memories, she replied quietly, "I heal easily…from emotional pain…and forgive quickly…too…but the conscious half…does not…She still hurts…but buries it…so that it…won't affect her life…She doesn't want…the same thing to happen…again…"_

"_What happened before?" he whispered earnestly, cupping her cheek and frowning deeply. Was this it? Was this why she was so naïve, so blind to how he felt? Was this the reason why Venus had made her cry?_

"_He…died…It was…our fault…I was crying…not the conscious…I still remember…"_

"_**He"?!** Who was this "he"?!_

"_What does that mean?" he asked quickly. "Who? Who died?"_

"_We…loved him…" she sighed sadly. "I healed…the other half…did not…"_

_Ye Zeus, something had happened with her behind his back, and he hated himself for not noticing it. "Lydia, please," he murmured, trying to get the information before subconscious became unconscious. "Even if it hurts, I have to know! What happened? Who died?"_

"_She doesn't want…to love anyone…anymore…"_

"_To late!" he almost shouted, though he toned it down so that she didn't wake up. "**I love her! I love YOU!** I'm not giving up until those feelings are returned!"_

_She was quiet, and he frowned, worried that maybe he'd gone too far, then:_

"_You've never said that…to either of us…before…" she whispered._

"_Then answer me…" he begged, taking her hand in both of his. "What is keeping the conscious half from me? I'm losing my mind. Slowly but surely, I'm going mad over this game you have me playing. I love you. I'll say it a billion times if you think it'll get me some results."_

"_I'm tired…" She turned away. "I need to go…but just so you know…he was strong…We respected him…We obeyed…everything he said…because we trusted him…If you want results…then make the…conscious half…recognize that you…are stronger than she is…She wants to be controlled…but only be someone…who can do it…and who…deserves that respect……Good night, Chaos…"_

_He stared in confusion as she visibly slipped under, and muttered absently, "Good night, Lydia."_

"_Well, that was cute."_

_Konran looked up, unsurprised. "What is it, Kanzeon?"_

_The goddess gave an ambiguous shrug and took a seat on the couch. "I just got back from a little research expedition. I was going to ask Lydia some questions about someone named Rafe."_

_An unsettling chill traced its way down the god's spine. "Rafe? Her old gang leader? Why?"_

_She smiled mysteriously. "Because apparently he was shot to death while trying to get her away from a dangerous area. She still blames herself for it, though I don't think she realizes this. Sound familiar?"_

_His breath caught in his throat, before he uttered incredulously, "Wait, **he** was the one?! She was only twelve and a half! She was too young for that kind of thing!"_

"_She was thinking like an adult from age ten, Konran," the goddess chided gently. "At least now we know why she's repressing everything. Looks like you'll have a tough time of it, what with the Lydiclone and your mother making death threats and what have you. Plus, once your whole emotional drama reaches its happy conclusion, you still have to fix my dimension."_

_He would have felt irritated toward her not-so-subtle hinting, if it weren't for the fact that he was still flabbergasted that **Rafe**, of all people, was the source of the god's woes. He'd been nineteen! Too old! Of course, Konran was **millennia** old, but that was notwithstanding._

"_Wait!" he said suddenly, his insides tying themselves into knots. "How far, exactly, did they go?" Slowly, he raised his eyes to the goddess, positively terrified of what the answer might be._

_The goddess blinked in surprise, and then to the god's irritation she broke into a broad grin, endlessly amused. "What? Oh, no, you silly boy. It was entirely platonic. It was a child's version of love. Her mental reach was that of an adult, but emotionally, she was still only twelve. It's just that the impact he had on her was more than a child could handle, and when he was killed, she completely shut down her capacity to love." Kannon held up a leather-bound ledger. "It's amazing what the gods in your realm keep track of. Hermes' secretary has entire volumes of important mortals' lives in her library."_

_Konran sank back against the sofa, relieved beyond description. "_Mea natura_, don't scare me like that, Kanzeon."_

_She smirked. "Sorry. Anyway, how is this information supposed to help you, may I ask?"_

_He lifted his head and frowned a little, his eyes wandering to his sleeping equivalent. "Now that I have this information, I can find a way to make an even bigger impact on her. At the moment, I'm just her roommate, and that's not good enough. I'll make her look at me differently if it kills me."_

"_Well, actually, it just might. Your mother is going to use all her power to stop you from doing exactly that."_

"_That's inconsequential. If this is what she thinks being a mother means, then she's no mother of mine. I won't have my actions dictated to me by someone who couldn't even be bothered to raise her own son." There had to be a way around it. Despite the fact that Eris was older than even Zeus, the king of the gods, she was as vice-driven as any human—possibly more. She almost certainly had a weakness which Konran could exploit._

_Kannon liked his moxie, and nodded her approval. "In that case, I'll be on my way. Good luck, Chaos."_

"_Thanks for the help," he replied distantly, his mind already mulling over the kind of method he should use to outdo Lydia's late leader._

_Seeing that Konran had his hands full and probably needed some time alone to think, the Merciful Goddess let herself out in silence, musing inwardly about his chances. This was getting more and more entertaining by the minute—time to go watch from afar. A moment later and she was back beside the lotus pond, suffering the prattle of Venus for the sake of more enlightening entertainment._

* * *

**(Hours Later)**

When I finally regained consciousness, it was already dark outside. I could hear chattering next door in Kougaiji's room, but Sanzo's side was utterly silent. Either everyone had already turned in for the night, or everyone was participating in a secret cabal in the Prince's quarters. Seeing that I was too wasted to walk next door, I decided that it was the former.

My head hurt, and when I tried to sit up, a wave of nausea forced me back down. It felt colder than before, and my body was still tired, as though I'd been tossing and turning through a multitude of already forgotten nightmares. A soft voice deep in my INSTINCT center was hinting that something bad had happened, but wouldn't give me any details.

Slowly this time, I propped myself up against a table leg and rested a bit. I needed my pills. Where was that stupid Konran when I needed him?

Once my eyes had adjusted to the darkness, I could see that both beds and the second futon were occupied. Goku and Gojyo were snoring, and Yumoa was nursing from his own thumb, as usual. He was as adorable as a sleeping puppy.

But where was Kon?

As if in answer to my mental question, there came a soft rustling noise from above, and with a frown I looked under the table to see a pair of legs in black silk pajamas.

"Hey, Kon…" I muttered vaguely, though it became a bit slurred when a wide yawn interrupted me. "Konran, is that you up there?" Better luck the second time, I supposed.

"Wh—wha…?" More rustling, then the chair scraping back, then footsteps as the god walked around and spotted me by the table. "Lydia? What are you doing awake?"

"What are _you_ doing sleeping at the kitchen table?" I retorted, fighting off another yawn. Hot damn, I was tired. "Whenever you go missing, the bed gets cold."

"Oh, just admit it already: you missed me," he sighed half-consciously. At least I wasn't the only one who was dead on their feet.

"Shut up. You can't get in until I take my medicine." I blocked his way and frowned as well as I could at his eyes, which were the easiest way to track his movements in the dimness of night.

"I almost forgot…sorry." He scratched his head and stretched a bit while puttering around to get my pills and a glass of water. Once he came back, I let him sit down and took the medicine and water from him, setting the glass on the table above when I was done.

"Ugh…someone, fix me already," I muttered, scooting under the blankets and trying not to let the nausea push the healing drugs back up my esophagus. "Don't you dare hog the covers, Kon. I'm freezing my ass off."

He chuckled as though I were being ridiculous. "What, and let _you_ hog the covers? I think not. If you want to stay warm so badly, then you can join me on this side. Otherwise, we share."

"Gimme, the covers, Chaos."

"No. You come here."

"Ass-hat! Fine, I'll freeze to death over here." Obdurately, I Huddled under the insubstantial blanket and hugged a pillow for warmth, willing the pills to work faster.

"Oh, you ridiculous girl." Before I knew what was going on, I felt myself being yanked backwards, and suddenly a pair of arms were locked around my waist, and my back was flush against his warm chest. "I'm warm and willing. Take advantage of a generous god once in a while." The heat of his breath tickled the back of my neck, and I squirmed a little.

"Quit breathing on me," I grumbled in halfhearted protest. The warmth was just too comfortable for me to stay irritated.

"Quit complaining," he shot right back, with an edge of amusement tracing his voice. "I'm keeping you warm. That should outweigh the minutiae."

"But…" as soon as I tried to respond, his hand came up and pressed a finger to my lips, forcing me silent.

"Both of us are too tired for any arguments right now. Let's yell at each other in the morning, when we have the energy, okay?" he murmured with his lips near enough to my ear for me to hear him perfectly.

Well…

"Whatever," I sighed, grabbing his hand and holding it down with the other, away from my face. "Good night, Chaos."

"Sleep well, Lydia."

Despite INSTINCT's incessant, stupid nagging, exhaustion was able to overcome alarm, and while the drugs went to work balancing my system I sank back into oblivion, hopefully into less tiring dreams than last time.

Yeah, that would be great: non-exhausting sleep…possibly involving bunnies.

* * *

_**(A Bit Closer to the Village)**_

_Lirin was near enough to catch the scent of food by now, and followed the trail eagerly. Her last meal had been at lunchtime, and it was already dark—the days seemed to be getting shorter and shorter at an alarming rate. That stupid dragon had abandoned her a lot farther from the village than she had originally thought._

_She wondered about the weather, mostly. It was getting late in the year, but it was still too early for weather this crazy. What bothered her most, however, was the fact that she couldn't ask her brother about it—if he found out that she had stolen another dragon there would be hell to pay. She was just glad that her mother was too busy organizing the soldiers for a sweep of the entire territory to pay much attention to a missing daughter. Besides, her mother was picky about what mattered, and Lirin was fairly low on that list these days._

"_Only a little farther," she sighed to herself, trying not to let the weather and darkness get her down. "Then Lirin can have all the meatbuns she wants!"_

"_Well, that's a fairly narrow-minded ambition," a sarcastic voice mocked from all directions at once._

_Lirin froze, turning around and around to see who had spoken, but finding nothing but trees and ice. "Hello?"_

"_Over here."_

_She spun in surprise and found herself staring into a pair of faintly incandescent emerald eyes. They belonged to a tall, voluptuous woman in a black, draping garment, with shimmering hair like spun obsidian. She looked like Konran…_

"_Who're you?" the Princess demanded defensively, taking several small steps back._

_The woman parted blood red lips in a broad grin. Her teeth were a bit pointier than normal, also like Konran's. "My name is Eris, little Princess. I've come to take you as collateral."_

"_Colla—what?" Lirin's face screwed up in an expression of total confusion._

"_A kidnapping, my dear. I'm kidnapping you to make sure that your brother follows through with his promise to kill my son, Konran."_

"_Kidnapping…Konran…wait, you're his **mom**?!"_

_The goddess frowned slightly, thinking that perhaps the child was a bit slow on the uptake. "Yes, dear. I'm also **kidnapping you**."_

"_Huh? Really? How? I gotta go find big brother. I don't have time to get kidnapped."_

_Okay, now Eris was simply dumbfounded. "Sweetie…kidnappings aren't exactly a"—she waved her hand through the air in search of a word—"a **voluntary** thing."_

"_Oh…sorry, but I gotta go." Mildly weirded out by the strange goddess, Lirin smiled uncertainly before turning to follow the scent of sustenance._

_The goddess of Chaos was so surprised that she stood in that same spot and stared after the girl until she was no longer visible through the trees. However, she quickly realized that a mere child couldn't stop her, and in a flash of darkness appeared yet again before the Princess. "I apologize," she muttered curtly, somewhat annoyed with the idiocy of the situation, "but, as I said, you have no choice in this matter."_

_Just like that, the shadows of supreme Chaos rushed in, and when they left the forest was empty._

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_(1) I made this word out. It means "to remove one's heart."_

_(2)Lydia would destroy him the way one would kill a vampire in Stoker's novel—and then some._

_Whoop! This chapter should have one of those "…and now you know" animations after it. "…and now you know" why Lydia's too dense to see that Kon's dying inside. Plus, Kon actually says those three little words! (laugh) He's such a dork._

_So what'cha think? Good? Bad? Pretty? Ugly? WEIRD?_

_Please tell me! Review! Call me names! Mock me for accidentally putting "blond" in reference to a female…though I'm pretty sure that I got them all… (EoS, that one's for you…and no, you haven't sent me Ch11, so I'll be waiting! XD)_

_I LOVE YOU ALL!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	12. Nightmares: A Clone too Far

**The Sequel: Chapter XII

* * *

**

**_(Author's Note) _**

_I just read Vol.7 of Reload…and am slowly dying inside. In order to alleviate this pain, I now give you Chapter 12 of The Sequel. Enjoy. _

_Okay…(clears throat)…this first bit is depressing…I almost cried while **writing** the damn thing, and I'm the one who giggled inappropriately all through the end of Titanic, so be prepared. _

_Other than that, this should be a HILARIOUS chapter. _

_(P.S. If you find it necessary to kill something after reading this, then my task has been accomplished. This chapter's entire purpose is to make you all sad, then enraged, then murderous, then happy. (grin) Please don't hate me. I'm not done!) _

**_Quote(s) of the Day: _**_"I think for my part one half of the nation is mad—and the other not very sound."—Tobias Smollet, The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves _

_"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put."—Winston Churchill _

_"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite."—Winston Churchill _

_

* * *

****__Nightmare: A Clone too Far _

**_(Dreams)_**

_"No, no, you hold it like this," Rafe chuckled, taking my hand and adjusting my grip on the chopsticks. "The top one's what moves, and the bottom stays still—see?" _

_I frowned up into his genial face, framed in soft, shaggy black hair and decorated with dark green eyes. "You're really weird. Why so obsessed with Japan?" _

_He gave an ambiguous shrug and stared up at a cloud. "I'm not sure—now, the ultimate test in dexterity is to pick that up with the chopsticks and put it in this cup—I guess when you live like me, you need a hobby to keep you happy. " _

_"Tch! Then what am I here for?" I demanded, taking the little bamboo twigs back and attempting to pick up the stupid rice grain yet again. _

_"Well…I guess you're my other hobby. I'll protect you, and you can just be yourself." _

_"Seems kind of one-sided to me. You just watch. I'll rise to the top ranks and take over when you retire." _

_"Aww, you're so **adorable** when you're determined!" He laughed again, tousling my short-cropped hair. "Well, then your next lesson will be self-defense, Little Lydia." _

_"Ugh, quit calling me little!" I protested, grabbing his arm and shaking him until we were both laughing and mock-battling. _

_"Hey, Rafe?" I asked after we were too tired to keep play-fighting. We were lying back in the grass and watching planes fly to and from the airport. _

_"Yeah?" He looked over and gave me that special smile, the one that made me feel better, no matter how bad I felt. _

_"Do you think I'll ever be alone again, like I was when I ran from the Institute?" _

_His smile faded around the edges, and he reached over, taking my little hand in his. "I won't let that happen. I'm going to raise you and make you strong." _

_"So you promise not to leave?" _

_"Cross my heart, kiddo," he replied, smiling brightly again. _

**FLASH FORWARD **

_"C'mon!" I shouted at the others behind me, sprinting through the warehouses despite the burning in my lungs. "Rafe's announcing his top ten!" _

_"Don't get your hopes up, kid!" Kevin yelled, falling further behind. "You're too young! You'll never get in!" I ignored his argument. _

_At last, I reached the main warehouse, shoving the doors open and jostling through the crowd of fifty or so other hopefuls until I stood at the front of the line, at least a head shorter than the rest. I had to crane my neck to see my favorite person in the world standing on the raised platform, suspended by steel cables from the ceiling. _

_We fell silent, and as he paced back and forth across the sheet metal, he began to count down the top ten who would be in charge of separate units. _

_I couldn't breathe, only stare in awe of him. When addressing the gang, he was no longer just our friend. He was our leader, our _imperator_(1)—someone in whose hands we could place our lives and feel perfectly at peace. _

_And then: _

_"Lastly!" he yelled over the cheers of the chosen members, forcing us silent yet again with that commanding tone of his. "I know you all will probably disagree with my last choice, but in light of the progress my final choice has made in the last three years, I'm not going to change my mind no matter how much you people whine, got that?" He scanned the crowd for dissenters, but, finding none, his eyes wandered over and settled on me. " Lydia? Do you still want to join the top ten?" _

_

* * *

****__(Kougaiji's Room) _

_The prince was restless. Too much was going on, leaving him too alert to even attempt sleep. His eyes kept flicking to the still-comatose test tube goddess and wondering about everything from his mother to Konran's fate. Yaone and Dokugakuji were trying their best to keep their eyes open and listen to all of Lord Kougaiji's ranting, but it was so difficult when Sleep was also doing his best to knock them out._

_"If Konran doesn't accept Eris' terms, then my mother will remain imprisoned at Lady Koushu's will," he muttered anxiously, carving a path down the middle of the room in his tirelessness. "This is the only way. We can't kill him—he's on neutral ground now in our realm—but if he refuses, and we can't follow through with the backup plan, then Lydia will be in danger, and she's completely innocent in all of this." _

_Yaone watched as attentively as she could manage, and after stifling a wide yawn, she murmured vaguely, "My Lord, I know this is difficult for you, but it's getting so late. Why don't you try to sleep a bit and talk to Konran in the morning? I'm sure he'll cooperate in the end for Lydia's sake." _

_Doku nodded, almost nodding off, but snapping his head back up before his head hit the table. "Yeah!" he agreed, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "It has to work out in the end. It always has before, and besides, we're all beat. If you would just sit down for a few seconds, maybe you'd fall asleep." _

_Finally, the prince stopped pacing, and at last took a good look at his two companions. Yaone was already sinking under Sleep's thrall on the couch, and Doku's head kept bobbing up and down while he tried to fight it off—to no avail. _

_Kougaiji frowned slightly, then after a moment of consideration, he nodded. "Okay…I apologize for keeping you two up so late…" _

_"Oh, don't apologize, Skinny. We're here to keep you in check, after all." The swordsman gave him a drowsy smile as he got up and shuffled over to the bed, waking Yaone on the way. "Yaone, we're free. You can sleep in the bed now." Kougaiji frowned slightly at the "we're free" remark, but let it go without argument. _

_While the other two settled in and passed out as soon as their heads hit the pillows in their respective beds, the prince turned out the lights and sat on his own for a bit, thinking quietly to himself until, at last, the drowsiness settled upon him as well. With a sigh he gave up on analyzing the matter, and decided then that it was all up to fortune now. _

_Still, when he finally got under the covers and closed his eyes, he couldn't help the feeling that things would only get worse before they got any better. _

_

* * *

****__(Nightmare) _

**FLASH FORWARD (6 Months Later)**

_Gunshots. Shouting. Chaos. _

_It was carnage. Our opponents ran rampant like a horrifying stampede. _

_I spotted Rafe, and he signaled a retreat, hanging back so that he could be sure that everyone was running. Once I had secured my unit back at the base, however, I ran back to help him with my shank in hand, staying by his side until we were the only ones left out in the open. _

_There were police sirens screaming in the distance, but they were far away, and wouldn't arrive in time to save us. _

_He grabbed my hand tightly and pulled me along as our rivals closed in on us. They knew Rafe. He was their target. " Lydia, we have to run!" _

_I could hear bullets whizzing past my head and body, ricocheting off of steel beams and scattered old cars. In the background, I could hear the high roar of twin-cylinder engines. "They have motorbikes!" I panted, fighting to match his pace. He was a natural sprinter, graceful in weaving through the junkyard and the warehouses, almost like a cheetah. "We can't outrun those!" _

_He cursed in frustration when he looked over his shoulder and spotted the narrow beams of light, and suddenly he let go. "You run! I'll hold them off! Take the others and get out of here!" _

_"What?! No! I'm not ditching you!" I snapped angrily. _

_He gave me a hard look. " Lydia, you're the only one who can take care of them—you're the only one who knows all my secret routes! I'm **ordering** you to get the hell out of here!" _

_I wanted to argue more, but then I looked behind him and gaped in horror as three motorbikes launched off a car hood and screeched to a stop mere yards away. _

_It took less than a second. _

_"Shit!" Rafe shouted, hearing the bikes and suddenly yanking me down with him to hide behind another car as they opened fire. He wrapped around me, holding me so tightly that I couldn't even gasp when the bullets nearly hit me. _

_Before I knew what was happening, dozens of voices started screaming all at once, and when my brain cleared enough to let me think straight, I could see my gang leaping out of their hiding places to launch a counterattack. _

_Never in my life had I been so happy to see them. "Rafe, we've got backup!" I laughed, looking up. _

_He was breathing hard with sweat dripping down his fine face, and gave me a weak smile. "Good…get out safe…and take care of everyone for me…would you?" _

_"Huh?" A sick feeling went crawling through my insides, freezing the blood in my veins and constricting my heart, and I left his arms to crouch before him, touching his face uncertainly. "Rafe?" _

_He shook his head. "Run…save the gang. We don't have the firepower…to fight them off." _

_And then I saw the blood. His dark clothes hid it well, but I knew blood when I saw it. One…two…three? Three shots. Two to the right side of his chest, and one through his left shoulder. _

_"No…Rafe! Please don't leave me here alone!" I begged, patting his face and trying to keep him awake until help came. "I don't want to be alone! You promised not to leave me alone!" Never in my life had I been so terrified. I knew I was crying, but when he saw it he smiled that special smile, raising a hand and running his thumb across the tears. _

_"Please stop crying, Lydia," he whispered gently. "I feel terrible when you cry…" He trailed off, and his hand dropped to the ground. _

_A minute later, he stopped breathing. _

_Rafe would never smile at me again. _

_

* * *

**(Morning—Confusion and Fear) **_

"**_RAFE!_**" I screamed through my tears, reaching out to him.

"Augh! Wait, Lydia!"

"No, no, no! Please, oh, gods don't take him!"

**_" Lydia, I'm not Rafe!"_** a voice hissed through my ears.

I froze, the mist dissipating from my mind.

I opened my eyes and found Konran's glowing, blue-green tapers less than an inch away. "Kon—Konran? But where's Rafe? He was just…" I realized then that I was still crying, and shivering like mad despite the god's warmth. "Kon, what happened?" I asked, suddenly very, _very_ confused. Why was the sun out? It had been nighttime…frantically, I rubbed my face with a forearm and tried to compose myself.

He frowned a little, holding me lightly under the covers and cupping my face in a gentle grip with his free hand. "You had a nightmare. Rafe isn't here. He's gone, remember?"

It was my turn to frown. "But…but wasn't I just…he was right here…"

The god shook his head. "No. It was the nightmare. What happened in the nightmare?"

"He…the gang…there was a rival gang, and he…he's dead, isn't he?" I whispered, the puzzle pieces at last falling into a recognizable pattern.

"Rafe has been dead for nearly six years, Lydia. Why are you suddenly dreaming about him?" His eyes searched mine, seeking any hidden answers I might have locked up in my head.

My stomach dropped suddenly. "I feel sick," I groaned, burying my face against his shoulder and gripping the back of his shirt tightly. "Is there any food?"

"Gojyo and Goku should be coming back soon from breakfast," he replied softly, letting me cling like a baby to his warmth, "and Yumoa is out helping Hakkai with the shopping and keeping a bizarrely close eye on Seimei, in case you want to know where my idiot savant of a cousin is, as well. That aside, however, you have to answer me: what happened in your dream? Why are you crying?"

"I…I can't…" Slowly, I looked up at him, confused again. "It was Rafe. He was trying to save me, and…and they shot him, and—oh, no…_it was my fault that he died_…" The shaking started again, and Chaos tightened his embrace. "How could I forget that? How could I forget…? Am I really that horrible?"

Konran stroked my hair slowly, letting his warmth seep through my grief-stricken muscles and cradling me like a broken child. "Many people forget things that are painful to them. It helps them survive the heartache and move on in their lives. It doesn't make them horrible; just human."

I shook my head vigorously. "No! It's not okay! People don't just suddenly forget the most important people in their lives!" I snapped, shoving away from him.

But before I could even sit up, his hand clasped my wrist and yanked me back down, leaving me glaring up into his glowing gaze. "Do _not_ assume guilt for something that wasn't your fault!" he said harshly, digging his fingers into my hair so that I couldn't turn away. "It was _six years ago!_ Are you telling me that you don't have enough of a life today to accept that he's gone?"

I glared at him, trying to rein in the tumultuous emotions eating their way out of me, but once a tiny shred of doubt wormed its way through my head, I completely lost it. The reins slipped away and I suddenly found myself breaking down until my own sobbing made it hard to breathe.

Konran let go of my hair as soon as he saw, and when I tried to pull away he drew me back gently, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and murmuring comforting words into my ear while I cried against his chest like a pitiful baby.

_

* * *

****__(Next Door)_

_"Where's Chaos?!" cried the shorter, younger, blonder, and far more irritating version of Lydia, who, ironically, had no idea that Lydia existed. _

_Yaone and Hakkai (who had sent Dokugakuji, Yumoa, and Seimei with a list to shop in his place so that he could help Yaone with the uncooperative Lydiclone) were trying their damnedest not to gag her with duct tape while checking the girl's wounds, but the battle was nightmarish at best. Even Hakuryu had vacated the premises in the company of Rhad, with the hope that, maybe—just **maybe**—the demon spawn would be gone when he returned. _

_All the screeching struck a unique nerve in the two normally stoic healers. It was the very same nerve found in "quiet people" who suddenly became serial killers for no discernible reason. However, it was now quite apparent that this **child**, as it were, was a highly likely culprit. _

_Hakkai's smile was slipping on one side as though half of his brain were already mentally ripping out her voice box to end that horrible cacophony, but he still managed to ask (mostly) calmly, "Is there anywhere that hurts, miss…?" _

_She cast him a cold frown and flipped a cascade of corn silk hair behind one shoulder. "Regina Invisamorarum," she responded haughtily (2). "Call me by my full name or do not speak to me at all." _

_For a moment, Yaone wondered to herself what "Regina Invisamorarum's" internal organs looked like, before clenching her fists and shoving them in her pockets to prevent any unfortunate "accidents" from occurring. "Reg-Regina Invisamorarum, do you still hurt anywhere?" the apothecary reiterated, keeping her fantasies to herself. _

_"I am fine. All I ask is that you bring me the Chaos god. I wish to speak with him, and afterwards I will leave with him." All of this was spoken with the certainty of divine providence. _

_The two healers looked to each other, sharing a moment of mutual abhorrence before returning to the misled adolescent with falsely serene expressions. "He's a bit busy at the moment," the ex-human replied, firm but placid. "Perhaps later, when he's finished with his morning ritual." _

_Her face lit up, momentarily surprising both of them. "Ritual? May I see? We're destined to marry, you know? I have a scripture here that says so!" _

_(A/N: You might, at this point, realize where I'm taking you—into the depths of Hell! XD) _

_Hakkai tried to contain his incredulity, with mixed results. "A scripture, you say? I find that rather unlikely. We were not informed of anything like it." Again, his smile twitched as his inner demon—of a much more human variety—tried to slip out. _

_"It's true! I have it right here!" With an unnecessarily dramatic flick of the wrist, a rolled scroll appeared in the air before her like a bad TV image, then gradually solidified into a much more tangible object. She plucked it out of the air and held it out by the loose end, unraveling about four feet of scribbled rice paper. _

_"See?" _

_Temporarily curious, Hakkai leaned closer and peered at the writing, then looked up in uncertainty, trying to figure out whether or not she was trying to play them. "I apologize if I am mistaken, but I seriously doubt that the gods would inscribe a holy scripture with crayon." _

_"What?! That's holy ink you're looking at!" Her indignation was complete. _

_Yaone took a look as well, and nodded slowly. "No, that's definitely crayon. And look here! Someone drew a flower!" _

_"But…!" The false Lydia stopped talking once she saw their expressions. For a brief second, she felt fear. Hakkai was scary. Crazy scary. _

_"I think that's enough playing for now," he said pleasantly, though she had an eerie feeling that one wrong move on her part would cast her into a world of hurt. _

_"Um…okay." Deftly, she rolled up the paper and tucked it under her pillow so that they wouldn't feel the need to talk about it, before sitting cross-legged on the mattress and twiddling her thumbs anxiously. "May I see…?" She almost balked when they frowned at her, but pressed on obdurately, "Is it okay for me to see Chaos now?" _

_It was Yaone's smile this time which made the girl wish she were somewhere else entirely. "No, I don't think that's possible at the moment. Later, perhaps?" _

_She nodded meekly, vouching to remain silent until someone less intimidating came in. _

_

* * *

****__( Mount Olympus) _

_"Do you have any food, at least?" Lirin demanded in a persistent whine while Eris attempted to do her own version of viewing through a massive fragmented ruby in the middle of her lair. It could view through dimensions, across time, through walls, and made a mean Belgian Waffle._

_The goddess of Chaos rolled her eyes for the fiftieth time in the last five hours. "I've told you already: while on Olympus, you feel no hunger! What part of that is not in plain Greek?" _

_"What the hell's Greek?!" the Princess cried. "I wanna go back to big brother! I gotta make sure he doesn't get hurt!" _

_"And how did you plan to help?" the incredulous Strife questioned. "Yell a lot? Whine until the 'bad people' killed themselves? Honestly! Are you useful at all?" _

_Lirin's jaw dropped, before picking itself up and clenching into a spiteful sneer. "You're the only bad person here! You said you wanna kill Konran! And then Lydia's gonna be sad! That's just stupid! Why don't you just talk to Kon before gettin' all mad 'cause he likes Lydia!" _

_Eris propped her head on a fist, half-hidden by the two-foot-tall crystal, and gave the youkai Princess a long, musing stare before muttering flatly, "The gods are the law. He is my son, and I may do with him what I will." There. Maybe that would shut her up? _

_Nope. _

_"That's even stupider! What kinda mom kills her own son for no reason?! You're even worse than **my** mom!" _

_That piqued the goddess' interest, and she pursed her crimson lips slightly. "Worse than **your** mother? What is Lady Koushu like, to earn a reputation more insidious than my own?" _

_The Princess frowned in thought, cocking one head to the side as her brain processed the question, before replying simply, "She doesn't love me." _

_"What?" Surely there was more to it than that if the girl wanted to claim that her mother was worse than Strife. "Is that it? Why is that so horrible compared to what I do?" _

_She shrugged. "Mother only keeps me 'round so she can use me to revive my dad. She'll prob'ly kill me when she's done, but that's only if big brother doesn't stop her." _

_"I see…well, speaking of your brother, I should probably tell him about you being kidnapped and all that. Otherwise, nothing will stop him from giving up before he even tries. It certainly took him long enough to go out on his own." Eris stood suddenly, intent on leaving the claustrophobic atmosphere which the young girl created with all that spunk. _

_"Wait, can I come?" Lirin begged giddily, truly and honestly excited for no reason which the goddess could divine. _

_She shot the child a look of utter disbelief. "Are you insane? This is a kidnapping, not a party! Now don't you dare touch anything while I am gone, understood?" _

_Deflated and sad, the Princess' smile faded and she nodded morosely. "Yeah…I guess…" she mumbled. _

_"That's a good girl." Eris smirked and tapped twice on a facet of the giant ruby, then scattered into the crystal until nothing was left. _

_Lirin looked around dully, suddenly bored and hungry, before spotting a shelf full of bottles and boxes on the other side of the room and breaking into a broad grin. _

_"I wonder what those do…" she muttered to herself. _

_

* * *

**( Lydia's Room)** _

After a long time, it became too tiring to cry anymore. It was a different kind of tired, though. I felt too alert, too focused on the details. It went through cycles, because sometimes it felt as though I couldn't feel anything at all.

The remarkable softness of Kon's shirt, the dampness of the tearstains on his shoulder, the way the light shifted through the room as clouds moved back and forth across the rising sun—all of it was too much, and so I lied there motionless and empty. It happened when I cried for too long, this strange emptiness. It was as though a part of my soul had left with the water.

The vague nagging in the back of my head was still vying for my attention, but I didn't have the energy to pay any. Only my empty stomach seemed to make intermittent progress in motivating me to meet its needs.

"If I died, would I see him…?" I wondered almost silently, my blank gaze unfocused somewhere in the vicinity of the pantry.

Konran stopped breathing for a full ten seconds, then pulled away and frowned at me in what could almost have been fear. "Please don't say things like that," he requested softly.

"But would I?" I pressed, wanting to know the answer. "I wonder if he'd like how I've turned out…or maybe he'd hate me…"

Something touched my face lightly, and my unfocused eyes strained to look at what it was, only to find Kon there with his hand to my cheek and his face mere inches from mine. "Why would he hate you? You were everything to him. Lydia, please snap out of it," he whispered. "I know you're stronger than this."

I frowned, my head going fuzzy from skipping medication. "You have pretty eyes…" I muttered before looking away. "Can I have my pills now? I'm hungry…and tired…"

He must have gone to get them, because a moment later it was cold again.

_

* * *

****__(Konran's Room) __(i.e., same room, Kon's POV.) _

_Robotically, Konran filled a glass with water and tapped a couple of pills out of each orange tube, then brought them all back to Lydia, sitting beside her and helping her sit up to take the medication._

_"This isn't good enough," he said tightly, mostly to himself, since she seemed too out of it to listen to anything he said. She would need to eat some real food before she could return to normal, but he was too afraid to leave her alone. Her history wasn't exactly pristine, and she'd been known to utilize even the smallest opportunities to get rid of herself. _

_Even if all of that had ended years ago, he refused to risk losing her to carelessness. _

_Luckily for him, Gojyo and Goku returned a few minutes later, carrying Styrofoam boxes filled with various entrees and desserts. They had conscientiously stopped their argument in the hall and entered as quietly as they could, peeking in first and spotting the god holding his equivalent in his lap as though she were too weak to sit up on her own. _

_"Hey, what's wrong with Lydia?" Goku asked in concern, pushing the door open with his foot and stacking a few boxes on the tabletop. _

_Konran gave them a weak smile. "She remembered some things she had forgotten, and her blood sugar is so low that she doesn't have the strength to pick herself back up. Did you bring any juice or coffee?" _

_Gojyo set his packages on the table beside Goku's, and after a curious look to the girl's listless figure, he picked up a large cup and handed it to Konran with a straw. "Here's some persimmon juice. It's pretty sweet, so I guess that'll help." _

_"Thank you." Taking the cup, Chaos poked the straw through the top and held it to Lydia's lips. "Here, drink this," he murmured gently. "You'll feel better." _

_For a moment it seemed she wouldn't even try, and remained still with her head on his shoulder and her arms folded limply in her lap, but after catching the sweet scent of the juice she frowned a bit and leaned forward to take a sip. "It's good…" she mumbled dimly, taking the cup from Kon and holding it herself to drink. _

_All the tension seemed to leave the room at those words. With a relieved sigh, Konran motioned for them to unpack some of the food while he slowly made the girl stand and sit down at the table. She was still shivering slightly, but the juice had managed to give her enough energy to at least try to help him. _

_While Lydia ate with Goku, whose bottomless pit of a stomach seemed beyond all control, Gojyo drew Konran aside and whispered, "Hey, what did she remember that's got her so down? It's kind of creepy. She's usually so energetic." _

_"She had a dream about her friend Rafe dying." Kon glanced back to make sure she was eating properly, and felt a little better to see that Goku's innate zest for life and animated chatter was rubbing off on her. She was actually talking back now. _

_"You mean the guy who led her gang before?" the kappa pressed. "So she remembers it?" _

_He looked at the redhead again, frowning slightly. "How do you know about Rafe?" _

_"She told me a long time ago that he died and all, and last night Kannon cornered me in the hallway and grilled me for info. Then she went to talk to you, I think." He felt around his pockets for a pack, and once found he gave the box a dirty look. "Shit. Only one left?" _

_Konran smirked a little as the water sprite gave a defeated sigh and lit up. "Hakkai should be coming back soon with the groceries. The sun is out, so I suppose the weather will be giving us a break for now." _

_"Actually, Hakkai's next door helping Yaone deal with the new problem," Gojyo chuckled. "He sent my bro with your cousin and his clone shopping instead. I hope they get the smokes. Sanzo's downstairs losin' his mind. If we don't get on our way soon, there's no tellin' who he'll shoot. The way he is now, I don't know if he'll care about the nice weather." He turned a sharp eye on the god. "Are you gonna follow us?" _

_Chaos nodded solemnly. "I don't have a choice. The weather may have quieted, but things have gotten so bad between the dimensional planes that I can sense them warping slightly. Think of today as the calm before the storm." _

_"Speaking of storms, I dropped off some food next door, and that chick you beat won't shut the hell up about you. I think even Yaone might try to kill her." Gojyo lifted his eyebrows as if to say, "What do you intend to do about it?" _

_Kon thought it over while he watched Lydia slowly regain her confidence. Hakkai may have been the healer, but when it came to mending psychological trauma, Goku was a master. _

_The thought of seeing that **thing** again was almost nauseating. He didn't want anything to do with it. However, despite his overprotective attitude toward Lydia, he couldn't help being curious about what would happen if the two met. Would the dimensions collapse in on themselves? Would the two go through a mutual annihilation? Or would they fight until one either went insane or died? _

_Yes. Curious. _

_"I think you should send her over here," the god murmured slowly, as though still debating whether or not it was a good idea. "If anything will bring Lydia back to normal, it's a fight. More than anything, she needs a fight right now." _

_The kappa frowned at Kon's skewed sense of reason when it came to Lydia, but let it go when he realized that Chaos was probably right. Fights did seem to bring the girl out of depression awfully quickly. _

_"All right," he said at length, clasping his hands behind his head and heading for the door, leaving a long trail of silvery blue smoke behind. "I'll be back in a minute or so." _

_Once the water sprite was gone, Konran went to the table and took a seat beside the girl, who was halfheartedly participating in a discussion with Goku about which sausage was better with the egg yolk. _

_" Lydia, are you feeling better?" he asked, touching her arm lightly. _

_She flinched at the contact, almost pulling away, but then she seemed to realize what she was doing and stubbornly left her arm where it was on the table, turning to the god with a small smile. "I'm better. Thanks." _

_"She likes the food," Goku supplied with a pleased grin. _

_Kon smiled at them both, letting out a mental sigh of relief. "I'm glad." Then to Lydia, "There's someone you're going to meet when Gojyo brings her over. You'll probably be shocked, but try not to get too out of hand, please?" _

_Her smile turned down. "Who is it?" _

_"Heh…you'll see." _

_Curious indeed. _

_

* * *

****__(Next Door Again)_

_When Gojyo went into the Kou Crew's quarters, he wasn't at all surprised to see that the fake Lydia was prattling away about something positively inane, slowly pushing Yaone and Hakkai towards the brink of madness. Actually, as soon as Hakkai saw that Gojyo had arrived, he immediately grabbed the kappa's arm and led him away to a corner of the room where the girl's irritatingly acute hearing couldn't reach them._

_"What's wrong?" the kappa asked, slightly unnerved by the ex-human's demeanor. _

_Hakkai's eyes were wider than usual and somewhat, dilated as though he had neared his limit. "Oh, I think the real question to ask here is what **isn't** wrong," he replied shortly. "I don't know how much more I can take of this, and Yaone actually suggested that we inject air into the girl's bloodstream. Even Hakuryu refuses to come back until she leaves." As he spoke, his words became more and more rapid, until Gojyo winced and placed a calming hand on his friend's shoulder. _

_"Okay, I get it," he said quickly, laughing in his nervousness. "Could you let go of my arm? You're crushing it." _

_Hakkai blinked in surprise, then looked at his hand and pulled it back quickly. "Oh, dear—I'm sorry, Gojyo. It's just been a hectic morning." _

_"Obviously." He looked past the monocled youkai and watched in fascination as Yaone sat herself at the table and sipped some tea with a trembling hand. He turned back to Hakkai and grinned. "Well, I'm here to make your life easier. Konran wants the clone to come over to our room and meet the real deal." _

_Hakkai's mood did a total one-eighty, and his face lit up in a creepily brilliant smile. "Really? Please take her! Now! Don't waste time, Gojyo. Konran is probably impatient." He ushered the kappa over to the girl's bed and abandoned him there, hurrying over to Yaone and informing her of their sudden freedom. _

_Less than a second later, they were both gone, leaving Gojyo alone with the glaring child. _

_He frowned at the look. "Hey, don't get pissy with me, girly. Konran wants to see you now, so you can quit askin' for him and bothering the people who helped you out. Let's go." _

_She, too, lit up brightly and hopped off the bed. "Really? Okay!" Her hand shot under the pillow to grab something and tuck it into her fluffy pink bathrobe, then scurried past the redhead without further ado. _

_Somewhere in the back of his mind, his atrophied conscience was suggesting that maybe what they were doing was wrong on some level, but it didn't take long for a curiosity not unlike Konran's to develop and kick the conscience to the curb like so much wasted space. _

_This was bound to be far more entertaining than anything else they had encountered so far. _

_

* * *

**( Lydia's Room) **_

It felt so good to have food in my stomach that after the large meal—which Goku was in the process of finishing off entirely—the shadow hovering above my head had diminished noticeably in size.

"Ah, food is good," I sighed, letting the worship-worthy magic of sugar work its way through my veins and resting my head lazily on Kon's shoulder.

"You ate that faster than usual," he commented, chuckling a little. "Are you feeling better? No more panic attacks?"

"Hey!" I protested automatically. "It's my dream and I can throw a fit if I want to. Besides, it's a huge deal that I totally blanked out on Rafe's death." My mood sobered up quickly at the memory. "You have no idea how scary it was, Kon."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I could guess."

I frowned at him, but he didn't elaborate so I let it go, still too mentally exhausted to keep up a good argument for very long.

There was a knock on the door then and I sat up so that Kon could go get it, musing quietly at my seat over what I should do about the dream and what it might mean.

"Hey, I brought the visitor, like you asked." Gojyo's voice floated into my ear and I looked up in curiosity, while Kon muttered secretively through the cracked-open door.

"Just a moment," he said, before turning to me with a crooked smile. "Lydia, there's someone you should see, but before you meet her, I have to warn you that approximately ninety-eight percent of everything she says will be a lie, okay?"

What the hell? "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" I demanded, utterly baffled.

He didn't get a chance to reply, because the moment the words left my mouth, a streak of neon pink and platinum blonde slammed the door open and tackled the god to the ground.

It was a girl. A freakishly, disturbingly familiar girl.

"Oh, **hell** no," I muttered.

"Konran! At last, you accept me for who I am! We shall live happily ever after on Mount Olympus, my darling!"

"Kon…ran…" I whispered, too angry to raise my voice without screaming.

He chuckled grimly, struggling to free himself from the bitch's clutches and having a rather hard time of it. "Well, you see, last night, while you were sleeping—Ow! Don't touch me there, you little nymph!—this girl here showed up and made a mess of things."

My eye twitched at the giggling figure groping my…my…_my_ _slave-god_. "And what exactly is she doing? No, scratch that. **_WHAT IS SHE?!_**"

"Um…your clone," Gojyo replied when Konran lost the ability to speak without cursing poignantly every other word.

"I see."

Suddenly, I was too pissed to feel crappy. I got out of the chair, marched over to the **_thing_**, and grabbed her too-perfect hair, yanking her up so hard that I could hear some of the strands tearing out of her scalp.

It was such a pleasant sound.

"_AIEEEE!!_ My hair! My beautiful hair! What have you done to my **_HAIR?!_**" she screeched like a harpy when I pulled her up off the god and shoved her back, face-first against a table leg.

Goku looked under the table and frowned in worry, then picked up his plate and brought it over to his bed, where he continued to peacefully consume and watch.

I stepped between the god and the clone and folded my arms. "Kon, I know you have that sword somewhere behind the dimensional curtain. It's no Ryushi, but it'll do."

There was a rustling noise behind me, and without taking my eyes off the coughing, struggling abomination, I held my hand out behind me and took the firm, leather-bound grip when it fell into my palm.

**SHHHHIK!**

I slid Kon's katana out of the sheath and dropped that to the floor, twirling the blade a little to test the balance.

Nice.

"Okay, she-bitch," I said loudly as the thing struggled to stand, rubbing its nose and wincing at the blood. "I'm going to let you in on a few rules about being in my presence." I pointed the sword to her throat and her bright, ocean-green eyes widened. "One: I am not a morning person, and therefore will not tolerate people busting down my door unannounced."

"But it's noon!" my stolen face whined.

_Sweet sanity_, REASON murmured. _Kill it! Kill the beast! _

"All in good time, REASON," I replied patiently. "_Two_: I have not yet had caffeine put into my system, and your **_screeching_** is giving me a headache."

"How is that a rule?!" she cried indignantly, stamping her foot.

"_THREE_: no one may have my face, other than myself, in my presence. It's creepy, and confuses small children."

"Now that's just absurd! I don't have your face! YOU have MINE!"

"AND **_FOUR!_**" I shouted over her continued screeching, pressing the blade edge to her jugular and narrowing my eyes. "Konran is **_mine_** to attack indiscriminately, and no one else's," I hissed, lunging for a killing blow.

Quicker than my brain could follow, she dodged to the side and went behind me, planting a kick square against my spine and throwing me forward against the table top. Boxes flew everywhere, food was spilled, and the monkey was not happy.

However, he was the smart one, and opted out of the tussle.

"Die, you miserable negative!" I screamed, letting HATE slip its shackles and drawing on all the training Rafe had ever given me.

Blondie came at me again, in total catfight mode—with nails and teeth and crap—but since I knew that that was likely the least effective form of attack ever invented, I didn't hesitate to charge her down, swiping at her joints in an effort to incapacitate her before the slow torture could commence. But just like before, she managed to get past each one by a hair's breadth, and caught the side of my face with what I could only describe as retractable claws.

What in the name of all that is sane was going on here?

I could feel the chill of blood running down my cheek, but that only pissed me off further, and in a desperate attempt to cut her—anywhere would have been fine—I made a low, sweeping kick and managed to hook her ankle, throwing her off-balance just long enough to get the sword in and slice it into her shoulder like a hot knife through Jell-O.

"Augh!" she yelped, immediately ceasing all movement to keep it from hurting. She merely stood, glaring at me with MY face and MY sneer while she hung at the end of the blade like a particularly antagonistic fish.

I smirked. "Oh, I'm not _that_ nice, sweetie," I laughed cruelly, twisting the katana and tearing an all-out scream from her throat. "There we go. Scream for me, pretty girl. You like that hair you have, don't you? I think I'll shave you in your sleep. And those eyes? I've just decided to start a collection! We'll see who's the better Lydia!" I was grinning maniacally at this point. "It'll be like Highlander! 'There can be only one!' and all that jazz! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to remove your head and heart and burn you to a cinder now."

"P-please!" she cried, tears streaming down her face in proportionately absurd rivulets. "I j-just wanted to s-see Konran!"

"What do you want with **_him_?**" I twisted again and she screamed again. It made me happy.

"We're going to g-get m-m-married!"

I was so surprised that I actually dropped the sword, and she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, whimpering softly. I turned to the god in question. "Don't even **_try_** pulling a fast one, pretty boy! She's joking, right? I mean, **HOLY CRAP, DUDE!** What in the hell could possibly be so wrong with your brain that you'd marry _**this**_ pathetic freak?"

He glared at me. "Are you out of your mind? Like hell I would marry that thing! Give me a **little** credit!"

Fine. That was all I needed, so I looked at Gojyo. "Where did it come from?" I snapped impatiently. "This is the biggest insult I've ever faced, so your life is riding on your answer."

"She just showed up in front of the inn, asking for Kon," he responded with a shrug. "Then when _he_ showed up, she attacked him like just now."

"I see…" My narrowed gaze slid to the fake me as she slowly sat up, wincing in pain.

She shot me a dirty look, then turned to Konran, wearing a pair of the most forlorn, imploring eyes I had ever seen. "Konran, please! Help me! Save me from that monster!"

_Monster_, eh? I kinda liked the sound of that.

Konran, however, clearly did not. He stepped forward deliberately and took possessive hold of my arm, glaring at her in near-rage. "You dare call my equivalent a monster? I should damn you to Tartarus!"

"You can do that?" I frowned up at the god, and he gave me an exasperated frown.

"Princess, I'm trying to work here."

That made _me_ frown. "You know, I hear castration builds character. Seeing as how you're clearly lacking in that department, should we test the myth?"

"What?!" He didn't seem too keen on the idea.

"Translation: call me 'Princess' again, and I'll cut Junior off and feed him to Rhad. Kind of a creepy thought, but meat is meat, I suppose." Eww.

"I hope you were joking."

"Depends on my mood."

"I DEMAND A SECOND CHANCE!" screeched the more irritating version of myself, making everyone flinch at the horrible sound before glaring at her. "I am a goddess! I demand that you give me another chance!"

"It's blasphemy to demand anything outright from a god," Konran growled.

"Wait," Gojyo interrupted, looking confused. "Can gods blaspheme?"

"Hey, that's a good question," I agreed, looking to Chaos for an answer.

He frowned at both of us for a long moment, before at last letting out a tired sigh, rubbing his face with both hands, and taking a seat on the second bed. "I'm done. Lydia, do whatever you want."

I perked up a little. "All right! Coffee break! Torture always gives me such a craving…"

"BUT WHAT ABOUT MY SECOND CHANCE?!" screamed the clone, pounding her fists on the table in outrage.

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot." Setting down the coffee pot, I went over to the glowering carbon copy.

Half a second later, _she_ was unconscious on the floor, and _we_ all had mocha.

_

* * *

****__(Author's Note) _

**_(1) _**_In Ancient Rome, an "imperator" was a military general chosen by the soldiers themselves as the best of the best. Julius Caesar was an imperator. He was awesome. This was how Lydia saw Rafe._

**_(2)_**_ She seems awfully proud of a name which literally means "Queen of Obnoxious Obstacles." (evil grin) _

_Long, eh? _

_I love it when a scene goes down a skewed path due to the characters' ADD. Poor Kon's the only one who seems to think that this is all very important. Hell, even Goku spends the entire scene munching away on leftovers. _

_The next volume of Reload comes out in August. This was my way of venting. _

_PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS CHAPTER!! XD (Especially the whole Rafe thing.) _

_—Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	13. Progress: Pain Pleasure Plot Twist

**The Sequel: Chapter XIII

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Greetings. I have just returned from the pit of Hell, and smell like sulfur and brimstone. It wasn't fun. In addition to that, I participated in an episode of my life called "The Biology Lab Report from Hell Strikes Back."_

_However, I've survived. This is the first time I've worked on this story in TWO WEEKS. You have my apologies. Hopefully, I remember enough of the story line to prevent any massive continuity errors._

_Sweet caffeine, how I love thee. After you read, check out my profile for a present! _XD

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"Gasoline: 50 dollars. 2-week food supply: 500 dollars. 15 boxes of Cigarettes: 300 dollars… Surviving 24/7 on a road trip with a bottomless pit of a monkey; a perverted kappa; an ex-human-ex-murderer mother figure; and a violent, irritable, cursing, drinking, gun-toting corrupt Buddhist priest: Priceless."—moi_

* * *

_**Progress: Pain Pleasure Plot Twist**_

_**(The Heavens)**_

"_You haven't been doing too well in our little competition," Kannon commented to Venus when she returned from her reconnaissance mission. "That new problem may well ruin everything."_

_Venus pouted at the shifting silvery images in the pool and shrugged. "I don't think this Regina girl will be able to come between them. My Chaos clearly hates her, and Lydia finally got over her little dilemma. It should all work out for the best."_

"_Where did Eris go, then? I haven't seen her in a while." The Merciful Goddess searched the pool for the Chaos goddess, but to no avail._

"_Probably to go meddle, but I can't see how it will work. Her methods won't do much to affect someone so strongly based in Chaos. If anything, it'll just make my nephew more determined to catch Lydia."_

_Kannon nodded sagely and munched on some popcorn. "I see…want some?"_

_Aphrodite frowned suspiciously at the proffered bowl, then shook her head. "No, I'm fine, thanks."_

"_Suit yourself. Jiroshin! Bring me a latte!" The Merciful Goddess snapped her fingers, and away went her manservant to do her bidding._

_Being the boss was such a blast._

* * *

_**(The Village)**_

_There had to be a way to make everything work. The Prince was used to setbacks and false hope, but this time it seemed he had a genuine opportunity to save his mother. The only problem was Konran. The god was so adamant about having nothing to do with Lydia's clone that it would be difficult to even discuss it with him again._

"_Ah, here you are, Kougaiji," purred a husky, feminine voice, causing the Prince to look up in surprise and spot Eris blocking his path along the wooded trail._

_Damn. Just what he needed._

"_What are you doing here?" he asked warily, hoping that maybe she was just passing through, and would leave him alone._

_Eris smiled unpleasantly and made an ambiguous gesture with a finely manicured hand. "Oh, this and that. I was wondering how things were coming along on our deal."_

"_Your son is stubborn," he replied tightly. "It'll take longer than one day."_

"_Of course, of course. And how is your little sister these days, may I ask?" Her smirk became cold and cruel, and a shock of fear sparked through Kougaiji's nerves._

"_What did you do to Lirin?" he asked slowly in a low, angry whisper._

"_Nothing—yet. She is a noisy child, isn't she? If she destroys my home on Olympus I'll have to tie her to a chair. Duct tape cures all, or so they say."_

"_Where?!"_

_The goddess gave a lackadaisical shrug. "I'm keeping her as collateral. Wouldn't want you to go back on your word now, would I? I'm sure a prince would understand." She smirked again. "Please keep that in mind. Chaos __**will**__ leave that little mortal girl, and you will make it happen. Otherwise…" she let the rest hang, making it perfectly clear that Lirin's fate was in her brother's hands._

_Before Kougaiji could get a last word in, though, she scattered into dust and slipped away on the wind, leaving him on his own to figure out a way to make everything better again._

* * *

**(The Inn)**

"Konran, what are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Let go of me."

"No."

"I'm serious. I can't breathe with you in my personal space like this. It's giving me a cramp."

"Tough."

I looked up at the Chaos god and frowned. "I'll hurt you."

His eyes narrowed, still not looking at me, but off into some unknown distance. "What's new?"

For some bizarre reason, ever since that clone-thing had busted in and put me through some serious shock-therapy, Konran had been clinging to me as though afraid that I would disembowel the creature and make a mess of the rug. I had to admit that the thought had crossed my mind, but it wasn't as if I would actually do it in a place where cleanup duty would be under the scrutiny of the entire establishment.

I looked to Gojyo for assistance—he was at the table with Hakkai, sipping tea and discussing Sanzo's derangement—but neither he nor his friend would even glance over. They were avoiding involvement!

So nice to have allies.

The clone was unconscious at present, having been duct taped to a chair. Thankfully, we'd had the forethought to tape her mouth shut as well, which would save us the irritation of listening to her incessant screeching. It filled me with a bitter rage to even look at her, but the image of her restrained made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

"Kon, your core temperature is on par with Death Valley, and I gotta go to the bathroom. Let me go."

He sighed and I felt his forehead drop to the back of my neck. "I'm in no condition to be left alone with that thing. I'm going to do something unforgivable, I just know it."

"Go ahead! I won't stop you. Just get rid of the body in an inconspicuous manner. Now let go! I gotta pee!"

Silence, then a tired sigh:

"You're so cruel, Lydia." At last, he released me and I scurried off to use the facilities, shooting Gojyo and Hakkai dirty looks when I passed for not helping me out.

Five minutes later, I came out of the bathroom at a sprint and skidded to a halt in front of Kon. "Did you bring my stuff?!" I demanded in a rushed panic.

He frowned, still resentful. "What stuff?"

I gestured dumbly, stuttered a bit, then dropped my hands with an exasperated sigh. "I'm a girl, Konran. Girls go through special times—like right now, at this moment. Now where's my crap?!"

"What…oh." His eyes widened a bit. "Why don't you just say you're on your cycle? I didn't pack your things. Yumoa did."

"What's wrong?" Hakkai finally noticed my existence, and was now watching me in mild concern.

"NothingIwanttodiscuss!" I cried, sprinting to my bag and emptying the whole thing on the floor. After a minute of rummaging through uselessness, I at last came upon what I was searching for. "EUREKA!"

Instantly, I vanished back into the bathroom, did what I had to do, and stumbled back out grimacing in pain.

"Dammit. I hate my life," I muttered, cursing existence in general. "Kon, move over."

He hesitated momentarily, before scooting over and letting me sit beside him, collapsed on the couch in exhaustion. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" I snapped in a flash of anger. He winced at my shout, and I immediately regretted the outburst, muttering apologetically, "Sorry. It just hurts all over, and I don't have a hot water bottle thing."

"Oh." He avoided my gaze, staring off into space in an attempt to distance himself from my instability.

"You're not going to try to kill Sanzo again, are you?" Gojyo asked all of a sudden, scrutinizing me in caution. "That was pretty fucked up before."

"That was because of the stupid drugs, kappa," I growled. "I'm too tired to kill anyone right now. It's like a freaking switch that just clicks on telling me to hurt all over and sleep until I'm better again." I groaned softly and rolled over, curling into a ball against Kon's side. "All this crap is so not good for me right now."

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Hakkai inquired amiably, setting his tea down.

I shook my head. "Nah. I just need to suffer through the first day or so. After that, the pain'll go away." Just then, a brilliant idea popped into my head, and I looked up at Chaos. "Hey, _you_ can do something for me."

He didn't seem to share my enthusiasm. If anything, I was scaring him a little bit. "And what might that be, may I ask?"

Without getting his permission first, I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my belly. "Hold that there. You're warm, so it'll make the pain go away. I'm going to just sit here and try not to die."

He paled visibly, before a light pink flush started crawling up his pearl white neck. What was _his _deal? "Lyd-Lydia, I'm sure there are other ways…"

"If you move your hand, I'll never forgive you," I muttered crossly, curling around his arm and pressing my cheek against his shoulder. "You have no idea how much it hurts. Honestly, being stabbed is a kinder fate than going through this every month. With that in mind, you have no right to refuse such a small favor. Now shut up. I'm trying not to die, remember?"

"I wouldn't let you die no matter how badly you were hurt, but isn't there a better way?" He sounded almost pleading. Cute, but futile.

"No. And shut up. Let me rest a little, would you?"

Just when I thought he was going to stay silent, however, he sighed in resignation, "If it helps so much, then here." He didn't give me enough time to protest before pulling me smoothly to sit in his lap and wrapping his arms around my waist, with both hands pressed against the pain. "Better?"

With twice the warmth, the pain subsided almost immediately, and I let out a breath of relief. "Oh, that's nice…" He crossed his legs Indian-style and I curled into a ball once more, finding it peaceful to bask in his warmth. "Thanks, Kon."

"No problem," he murmured, resting his chin on my shoulder and closing his eyes as if ready for a nap. After a thought, I turned my face to his soft, silky hair and folded my arms in my lap, intent on not moving for a long time. Yet again, the god was proving useful in strange and surprising ways, and for once I had to admit that it was a relief to have him around.

* * *

_**(Gojyo and Hakkai)**_

_After witnessing what had just happened with Lydia and Kon, the kappa was grinning madly, already scheming up new and creative ways to trick the god into confessing his feelings for the girl. There would have to be danger—possibly a long night alone trapped in a cave? Or perhaps a strategically placed, anonymous note?_

_Hakkai, on the other hand, was scrutinizing his friend, completely aware of what heinous things were going on in the water sprite's mind, and resolved then and there to not let him interfere. Gojyo was utterly shameless, it seemed. No good could possibly come of him manipulating the god and his equivalent into forming a stronger relationship than what they already had. If it were meant to be, then it would happen on its own. In all honesty, Gojyo would probably screw things up._

"_Why don't we go downstairs and make sure Sanzo is okay," the ex-human suggested, lilting his voice in such a way as to put the kappa on edge. That tone meant he had done something bad, and that the something bad had irritated Hakkai._

_Hakkai was terrifying when irritated._

"_O-okay, sure!" the kappa agreed—perhaps a little too readily, but he would do what he had to do in order to preserve his current physical configuration. _

_Hakkai smiled warmly—and creepily—and stood to place his teacup in the sink, before trailing close behind Gojyo out the door, like an ominous shadow portending an imminent disaster._

_Out in the corridor, all that could be heard was a muffled yelp and a suspicious thump. Lydia and Kon didn't even notice._

* * *

_**(Shopping with Comedy)**_

"_Can we get cookies? Please? I'm beggin' ya fo' cookies, dawg!"_

_Dokugakuji stopped dead in his tracks and turned a half-frightened, half-confused gaze on Yumoa, who was hopefully clutching a package of chocolate chip cookies and bouncing in excitement. "Those aren't on Hakkai's list," he replied slowly._

"_Aw, don't leave me hangin', yo! I's gotsta have mah fix!"_

"_Please stop talking like that."_

"_Whut? Yooz gots beef wiv mah roots?!"_

"_SHUT UP!" shrieked Seimei, clutching his head as though he had an irritable tumor buried in his brain. "For the love of all things sane and sacred, shut the hell up!" He didn't seem to care about the mother down the aisle of the grocery store, who was hastily ushering her three young children away from the screaming man._

_Yumoa leered suspiciously at his clone. "Are you a Communist?"_

"_A what?! No! I don't drink diet soda. It's gross."_

"_Oh! Okay, then. Doku! I want cookies!"_

_The swordsman sighed and relented, "Put them in the basket."_

"_Yay!" The god hopped over and put three packages in the basket, before bouncing off to shop some more. Lydia never let him shop with her. He couldn't imagine why…_

_Doku watched as Yumoa vanished around the corner, then turned to Seimei. "The last thing on the list is cigarettes. Marlboro reds and Hi-Lites. We have to get out of here before Yumoa buys the whole store. Have you seen those anywhere?"_

_The clone nodded towards the front of the store. "They keep them behind the counter. How many do you need?"_

"_Uh…ten of each."_

"_So a carton each?"_

_No…ten__** cartons**__ each."_

_Seimei blinked. "Oh."_

"_Yeah. The monk smokes like a chimney, and my little bro's not much better."_

"_All right then. I'll go and ask the guy to get them ready. You make sure you have everything you need."_

"_Thanks."_

_Despite his similarities to Yumoa, Doku had to note that Seimei was much more reasonable. They needed to get out of that store before the god decided to buy something really expensive. There was no telling what Sanzo would do if they maxed out his card._

"_Yumoa! Time's up! We're leaving!" he shouted._

"_Augh! I gotta get batteries for my CD player! I'll die without Ludacris and mah crew!"_

_What the hell was he talking about? "Okay, but that's it! No more!"_

_Ye gods, gods were a handful. As he made his way to where Seimei was waiting beside a veritable mountain of cigarettes, he hoped everyone was okay back at the inn._

* * *

_**(Wrath of the Monk)**_

"_Sir, I think you've had enough. You've been here since opening."_

_Sanzo slowly raised his bleary eyes to glare at the bartender. These were not the words he wanted to hear. What he wanted to hear was "May I pour you another, Master?"_

_**CLICK.**_

_Like an instinctive reaction, the gun was in his hand, aimed eerily well between the bartender's eyes. "You keep 'em comin' until I'm in a coma, got that? There's some shit I don't want to have to deal with, so I'm not stoppin' 'til I'm blind."_

_What the bartender heard was: "Yoo keppem cmin tillemcomma, guddat? Shit. Ayedunwunafta deelith, saimmottoppin tillemblyne." Nevertheless, the gun was an excellent translator, and within moments another shot of vodka appeared before the priest._

_Sanzo chuckled the creepiest chuckle ever heard by human ears and put the gun away, before taking the shot and downing it in one go, with a whiskey chaser._

_Across the way, Yaone was treating Goku to a malted milkshake while the both of them kept an eye on the monk, just in case they had to drag him off to his room whenever he finally passed out._

"_He can certainly hold his liquor, huh?" commented the apothecary, trying to sound nonchalant but settling on deadpan._

_Goku nodded, thoroughly enjoying his shake. "Hakkai's better, though. There was a drinking contest n a village we stopped at, and he beat them all, even Sanzo."_

"_Is it really okay for him to drink this much?" She had to repress the urge to help when Sanzo nearly slipped off his barstool. Fortunately, he caught himself and hung on like the trooper he was. "I don't envy him the hangover he'll have when he finally rests."_

"_I'd be more worried about Gojyo. Sanzo usually tries to shoot him when he's in a bad mood."_

"_I see…"_

_Coincidentally, only moments later, Hakkai and the kappa in question came ambling down the steps and into the bar, spotting the monk first, then the two at the table. Wisely, they decided to take the two empty seats at the table, away from the volatile priest._

"_What happened to your head?" Goku asked the water sprite, squinting in curiosity at the golf-ball-sized lump on his forehead._

"_I fell down the stairs." He clearly didn't want to discuss it, and after seeing the look on Hakkai's face, Yaone chose not to point out that they had just come down the stairs without a hitch._

_Goku wasn't nearly so discreet. "Stupid. You just came from the stairs. What? Didja fall down, then go back up and walk down again?"_

"_Shut up and drink your shake."_

"_But…!"_

"_Drink your shake, Goku," Hakkai ordered, and the monkey finally got the hint._

"_So how is Lydia's clone?" Yaone inquired gently, trying to break the odd tension._

"_A pain in the ass, but Lydia took care of that," replied Gojyo, smirking at the recollection. "That girl was so pissed, it's amazing that the clone isn't dead."_

"_What did she do?" she gasped in surprise._

_He chuckled. "Stabbed her with Kon's sword. Even he lost it and yelled at the clone. It was __**awesome**__."_

"_Gojyo…" came Hakkai's warning tone, silencing the kappa in an instant._

_Yaone gave the two of them a searching frown, but was unable to discern what exactly was going on and gave up. They were friends. It was okay. Sanzo, however… _

"_I think we should find a way to get him out of the bar," she sighed, watching the monk in question down yet another shot of vodka. "He's going to die of alcohol poisoning if someone doesn't stop him."_

_Gojyo snorted, "Do __**you**__ want to be the one to tell him that? I just feel bad for the bartender. The holy man's just gonna keep drinking, and if they try to stop him, he'll shoot them. It makes no sense, but even when he's hammered, that guy can aim like he's sober."_

_Yaone didn't confirm that she had indeed seen Sanzo's freakishly accurate, drunken aim. "Still, there has to be something we can do."_

"_Just leave him. We'll take care of it when he finally decides that he's had enough." This time, it was Hakkai denying the monk help. For a healer to say that…Sanzo was indeed an indefatigable human being._

"_In that case, what should we do until he reaches that point?"_

_Gojyo smirked and cast a crafty look to Hakkai and Goku. "Break out the tiles. Let's play Mahjong and get drunk, too! Not you, monkey. You're underage."_

"_Like I wanna drink that nasty crap! No cheating this time!"_

_She shouldn't have asked._

* * *

**(Upstairs)**

"Hey, Kon, I think I can get up now."

"Hmm?" Chaos lifted his head from my shoulder and frowned at me in apparent confusion. "What was that?"

"I said I can move now. The pain's completely gone."

"Oh…you sure? Maybe it'll come back."

I shrugged. "It might. If it does, I'll be enlisting your service again."

"I don't really want to move. I'm comfortable like this." He dropped his head again and buried his face against my throat. "You smell nice. New shampoo?"

"No, just the usual stuff," I muttered.

"Odd. You smell different." He sniffed my neck, down my nape, sending a shiver up my spine.

"Augh, it tickles!" I cried past a burst of laughter, attempting to scramble away.

He held fast, moving his hands to my waist and chuckling, "I didn't know you were ticklish. How's this?"

"Eeeek! Augh! _No!_ Stop! Ha! Ha-ha-_haaaaargh!_" Within moments, my flailing had thrown us off the couch with a loud _thunk_, and still he didn't let me go until tears were streaming from my eyes.

"Ah, I've made you cry," he crooned mock-apologetically. It was so fake that he was laughing.

I hit his arm lightly. "Ass-hat!" I laughed. He'd ended up on top of me, preventing more effective attempts to admonish him.

"Oh, you liked it," he chuckled, leaning forward and pressing his forehead to mine with a smirk. "Admit it, or you're not going anywhere."

"Hell no. I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm invincible!"

His smirk faded to a faint smile. "No, but you certainly _seem_ invincible."

There was something sad about how he said it, and I frowned, the giddiness abating. "What's up? You okay?"

He blinked in apparent surprise, then laughed softly, and shook his head, so that the silky tips of his hair brushed my forehead. "I'm fine, thanks to you."

"Huh? What'd I do?"

Before replying, he sat up and pulled me into his lap, smiling slightly and letting me sit back against his chest. "Well, you make life more interesting. I like living with you better than living with the other gods or living alone with Yumoa and his sister."

I could feel his heart beating against my back like a steady drum. It was oddly comforting. "I always thought you hated it. I treat you like a slave."

"I like being your slave. It's more entertaining than being a slave to the higher gods. I'm the highest of the Irony Gods, but among the others I'm absolutely nobody." He sighed a little and held me a bit more tightly. "To them, I'm just the bastard child of Eris, and adopted plaything of Aphrodite. Yumoa is their favorite; I'm just some sideshow. Even my own mother wants me dead."

I frowned. It bothered me to hear how the other gods treated him. Konran was more than a toy, and more than a sideshow. I didn't want him dead, either.

_What is he to you, then?_ asked REASON. I could almost picture the voice sitting in a corner of my mind, acting exasperated for some unfathomable reason.

I thought about it. Konran was more than those things—a lot more. And to me, he was…he was…hmm…

"Well…you're _my_ favorite," I said firmly, looking up to him and smiling. I liked him better when he was in a good mood, though.

Instead of smiling, however, he frowned. "That's hard to believe. You're much nicer to Yumoa."

"Sure, but who do I call when I need help, or when it hurts, or when I'm upset?" I pressed. "I don't trust Yumoa the way I trust you."

He gave a derisive laugh, still not smiling. "Nobody can trust Yumoa. The only thing he'll ever evoke is a morbid case of blind faith. _Very _blind faith."

"Fine, but seriously, I like you more than I like him. He's fun, but you're reliable _and_ fun."

Unfortunately, all that did was make him sigh, "No, to you I'm an ass-hat."

"Ah, but you're _my_ ass-hat, and speaking of which, you're not to go near that clone-thing." I eyed the unconscious clone in distrust, before looking back to Kon.

He was staring hard at me, surprising me just a little. "Why?"

What was with that look? "Why what?"

"Why do you want me to stay away from her?"

"Because…." I looked away, suddenly uncomfortable. There was that nagging again, prodding at my brain to make me notice something I couldn't see.

"Because…what?" His face was too close, searching my eyes for whatever it was he was looking for. "What's the real reason behind keeping me away from her?"

It was too much. I couldn't breathe with him staring me down like that, and I couldn't figure out why. "We should probably go check on Sanzo. I'm sure he's…" I shut up when Kon's eyes narrowed.

"Tell me, Lydia," he whispered.

My voice seemed to escape on its own, without my consent:

"I don't…I don't want you…to leave me…"

His expression softened in an instant to something more apologetic, and his hand came up to hold my chin lightly. "You should know by now that I'll never leave you," he sighed, brushing his thumb lightly across my bottom lip. "I'd be too worried about you to leave you alone."

I stared into his peacock blue-green eyes and saw something new shift beneath his gaze. "Kon, what are you…?"

The rest went unspoken as he drew me tight against his chest and turned my face up, catching my lips with his own and shocking me so badly that I couldn't even think to run away.

…five…six…seven…eight…nine…

…ten seconds…longer…

Something warm and tingling was sliding up my backbone. I had to breathe, but I was afraid of the consequences…

…fifteen…sixteen…seventeen…too late.

I gasped for one breath…and suddenly I had him pinned on his back, digging my fingers into his marvelous hair and straddling his waist as I tried to devour him whole. His tongue was sweet like honey, and when he stroked the tip of it along the roof of my mouth I moaned, kissing him harder.

"Oww, you bit my lip!" he yelped suddenly, bringing his fingers to the wound. "You teeth are sharp!"

"It's just a pinprick," I whispered, taking his hand away and licking up the tiny droplet. His blood was as sweet as I remembered from two years ago. "See? All better. All of your teeth are sharp—you should be used to it."

He gaped at me, utterly shocked. "Did you just…? _Was that…?_ _**Huh?!**_"

"Shh." Before Konran could make any more noise I kissed him again, long and deep. It wasn't as fervent as the first one, but he seemed to like it better, and sat up to hold me in his lap with his arms tight around me. Sweet ghost of Christmas Past, he felt so good to kiss. He made my skin hot, and my spine shiver like a leaf.

_"Mmmmm!"_

Was that his muffled shouting or mine?

_"Mmmmff fmmmm nnnmmffm!"_

Wait, it was neither. I opened my eyes a crack.

Then I jerked back in surprise, and Kon frowned at me. "What? Oh, no, you don't, Princess. Get over here." He yanked me back down and found my neck so interesting that it took a whole hell of a lot of effort on my part to even _want_ him to stop, let alone actually _make_ him stop.

When I finally managed to do just that, I was so winded that it was all I could do to point frantically towards the other side of the room while I tried to catch my breath.

Fortunately, Konran wasn't stupid. "Argh, you want me to die, don't you?!" he demanded hopelessly. "Don't push me away _now!_"

Okay, maybe he was…a little.

"No…there…ass-hat!" I panted, before collapsing and just working on the whole breathing thing. Damn my low blood sugar!

Finally, he regained his composure and glared across the way to see what soon-to-be-damned thing had interrupted us. Then he looked back at me, confused. "It's just the clone. We could put out her outside the door and pick up where we left off, if it bothers you that much."

"You're…a freak!" I gasped, smacking a hand to my forehead and sitting up a little too fast. "Oh, crap…"

I nearly blacked out, but Kon caught me before I fell and helped me up to sit on the sofa.

"I'm sorry…" he mumbled into my ear.

"For what—eep!" Before I could escape, his arms were around me, and he nibbled my stationary ear while I squirmed like a headless snake. "Augh! Tongue! _Tongue!_" It felt good and WRONG all at once!

"For that," he chuckled when he was done.

"For _raping_ my _ear?!_ Sorry isn't good enough!" I cried. "My poor ear…" I used my sleeve to clean it out.

_"Mmmmffffmmnnnmff!"_

Chaos' grin faded to a cold glare, which he turned on the clone. "You know, that's getting rather tiresome."

She glared right back with those weird eyes. _"Ffmmnnmmn!"_

He seemed to consider her nonsense, then turned to me. "I say we just keep going and make her watch."

_"MMMMNNMMFFFFMM!"_ was her immediate protest, rocking the chair so hard that it jumped an inch off the floor.

"You can't be serious," I said, frowning in outrage. Already, this whole thing just seemed like some bizarre, horrifyingly invasive dream. Wake up, Lydia. Just wake up and everything will be normal again, dammit!

He smirked. "Just kidding. And have I ever told you that you are simply _adorable_ when you look ready to kill someone?"

I glared at him. "Shut your face, Konran."

"Kiss me and then I'll shut up," he murmured sweetly.

"Are you insane?! Hell no!"

He leaned in and nuzzled my temple, brushing his lips against the edge of my ear and whispering with a sensuous lilt to his voice, "I'll rape your ear again…" A shudder raced through my skin, and my heart nearly crawled out of my ribcage.

"Dammit!" I grabbed his shirt and yanked him to me, and once again lost track of my limbs when our lips met.

It was his turn on top, it seemed—he was careful not to crush me, at least. There was a tearing noise and I only noticed that his shirt had gone missing when my lips touched the bare skin of his chest.

I shivered at the wonderful sensation, and kept going.

This guy seriously needed a warning label: "Caution—may impair good judgment" or "Warning—seduces on contact." Any kind of heads up would have been nice, but nope, he had none of that, and as a result I had lost all sense of…sense.

Until, of course, the door clicked and opened, whereupon natural instinct took over and I ended up planting my feet in his abdomen and launching him back across the room. I really needed to get a handle on my impulses.

"What the hell?!" cried Gojyo when he saw a half-naked god fly past his line of sight and crash against a wall. "Konran?!"

For good measure, and to convince _myself_ as well as the intruders that it was a fight—not a make-out session—I sprinted over to where Kon had landed (and was attempting to get up) and grabbed him by the hair.

"Work with me here," I whispered hastily to him, before shouting, "You bastard, if I ever catch you using my headphones again I'll beat you half to death and drag you the rest of the way there!"

"Whoa, whoa! Calm down!" Doku's voice made me pause and look up to see him, Gojyo, Hakkai, Yaone, Seimei, Yumoa, and Goku staring from the doorway. That was a lot of potential witnesses…crap!

Sanzo was there, too, but he was too wasted to even notice that he was missing a shoe…how the hell does a person lose a _shoe_, anyway?

"Ow…" commented the god, giving me a resentful look. "That was unnecessary."

"Really? Considering who I am, is freaking out over headphones really that far off?" I muttered under my breath while I pretended to stare him down.

He thought about it, then sighed, "No. How sad is that?"

"Shut up!"

"Lydia, was it really necessary to throw him across the room over some headphones?" Hakkai inquired, possibly too weirded out about the whole thing to put on his scary smile.

"They were my favorite ones, and he lost them," I muttered with a shrug, letting go of Kon's hair—with difficulty, since his hair felt so good to touch.

"What happened to his shirt?" asked Seimei, frowning suspiciously at the tattered remains of the god's clothing. "Did he get in a catfight or something?"

_"Mmmmfffnnnmmm!"_ garbled my clone, rocking her chair from side to side in her outrage. Served the bitch right. Konran was _mine_.

"I grabbed him by the shirt, but the damn thing ripped," I answered, glowering at the clone. "What's with the posse, anyway?"

Yaone frowned. "Huh? Oh, we just came to drop off the shopping and put Sanzo to bed. He's too drunk to stand." She glanced at Konran in interest, then seemed to decide that she was better off not asking and turned to Doku. "We can leave everything in here. Hakkai and I will make sure Sanzo is all right once he's settled in his room."

"Uh…okay."

While everybody helped bring in a truckload of groceries, Konran got to his feet and went off to find a new shirt. In the meantime, I made a pit stop, before sitting back down on the sofa where everything had started.

_So…favorite, huh?_ teased REASON, laughing silently in my head. _Seems to me like he's been waiting a long time for what just happened._

I ignored it, chalking everything up to temporary insanity. I was prone to that sort of thing, so it wasn't entirely impossible, right? _Right?!_

_You should apologize later for hurting him like that. It's only the right thing to do._

"Shut up," I said under my breath, taking a bag of toiletries from Goku and sorting them out for their respective owners. Gojyo had by far the most of any of the rest. That was why his hair was so pretty, and why his skin always had a healthy glow.

"You're certainly a cruel mistress," sighed a voice from behind. A shudder crawled up my spine, and I looked up to see Konran behind the sofa, resting his chin on his folded arms. His phthalocyanine green eyes glinted at me with suppressed laughter, and I fought off the urge to grab his hair again—this time for something more pleasant than a screaming session.

I looked around, but everyone had gone to do whatever it was they did when faced with a mountain of groceries and a drunken monk. "Sorry," I forced myself to say, refusing to look him in the eye, "…for everything up to this point."

"Mm-hmm…" with one hand, he reached out and tilted my face up towards his lips, and to my dismay I found that I didn't even _want_ to pull away. He kissed me so sweetly that attacking him became the furthest thing from my thoughts. It made my chest hurt. "Forgiven," he whispered with a smile when he let me go, standing up and heading for the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" I called, disliking the neediness in my tone, but absolutely hating the thought of him leaving. For once, my pride came second. I was turning into a quivering mass of useless Jell-O!

"I have to talk to Kougaiji about the clones. Don't worry—I'm not leaving you." He gave a knowing grin and I fought off the blood rushing to my face.

"Make it quick," I grumbled looking away.

He smiled gently. "Of course." At that, he dissipated and sifted away like a dense breeze.

Dammit. I had either screwed up big time, or I had made the score of a lifetime, but either way, I would never be able to get rid of the god after all this was over.

_"MMMMFFFMMFMFMMMMFFFFMM!"_ _mmmfffmmm-_ed the clone, finally overbalancing the chair and falling to the floor with a clatter and a thump.

"Shut up or I'll stab you again, bee-yatch!" I threatened.

She did, and I returned to frowning in disconcertion at the shredded silk remains of Kon's shirt, half hoping that it had all been a hallucination, while the other half would NOT stop speculating on what he looked like naked.

"Ugh," I groaned, throwing my head back and covering my eyes with an arm. This was all either an elaborate nightmare, or a fantastic dream, and I wasn't sure which one to decide upon just yet.

* * *

_**(A Little Chat)**_

_Konran found Kougaiji wandering around the streets with a pensive and discomfited frown on his temporarily human face. Despite this, however, the god was determined to put an end to all the nonsense about leaving Lydia. He was almost ridiculously overjoyed, but kept it to himself. It was apparent that the girl wasn't comfortable with everyone knowing about what had happened, and he was perfectly fine with hiding the truth, but in order to do that, he had to get rid of this one last obstacle._

"_Kougaiji, we have to talk," the god said, approaching the Prince in plain view, instead of from behind, like he usually preferred to do with people. He thought it was mysterious—but mostly, he just liked scaring people._

"_Yes, we do," Kougaiji replied tersely. "Your mother is stirring up all kinds of trouble, and you're the only one who can end it."_

_Kon's eyes narrowed. "Regardless, I'm not leaving Lydia. I've gotten the information I need to decide, and I'm choosing to risk it. I'll fight my mother off when the time comes."_

_This was clearly the last thing Kougaiji wanted to hear right now. "That's all well and good for you, but there's a problem with that: your mother kidnapped Lirin, and she won't release her until you give up on Lydia. I'm sorry, but I can't take no for an answer anymore, and there is a time limit now."_

"_Lirin?" Chaos frowned, disliking the course this conversation was taking. "What happened?"_

"_She took Lirin!" Kougaiji snapped, losing his cool for once. Immediately, however, he calmed himself and said more placidly, "We have to find a way to convince your mother that Lydia is no longer in the picture. Otherwise, there's no telling what may happen."_

_Well, that certainly threw a monkey wrench into the god's good mood. "And how do you propose we do that?" he sighed._

"_The clone." The Prince gave the god a searching look. It was obvious that he didn't like a word of it, but it was the only way to make things work out in the long run. "Use her to convince your mother that you've chosen another goddess. It's the only way to keep you alive, and once things have settled down, explain everything to Lydia."_

_Konran gave a bitter laugh, "I don't think you quite understand how strongly Lydia can hold a grudge. If she thinks I'm leaving her for the clone, she'll never forgive me, and I may as well die anyway. I'm not going to do that to her, no matter how bad the situation is."_

"_Then explain it to her beforehand!"_

"_It wouldn't make a difference!" he shot back. "She's already made it clear that I'm not allowed near the clone! Knowing her, she'll imagine something heinous and pin it on me. The answer is no, Kougaiji. I'm sorry, but I can't."_

_As Konran turned and walked back down the street the way he had come, Kougaiji stared after him, a feeling of hopelessness working its way through his entire frame. There had to be something! Anything at all! Lirin was counting on him to put things right._

_But after Chaos had already gone from view, an idea popped into the Prince's head. It was cruel, and wrong, and altogether against all of his morals, but this wasn't the time for morals._

"_Fine, Konran," he muttered, heading back to the inn as well. "If that's the only way to make you help me, then so be it."_

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Ye GODS! I've been gone a long time, eh? First it was "The Bio Report from Hell Strikes Back", then it was "The Race to Save My Chemistry Grade", then it was "Attack of Exam Week", and then it was "The Freak Illness Invasion."_

_I almost gave up on this chapter. Good thing I didn't. Kougaiji's gotten kind of evil, though…and Sanzo's gone mad._

_Hmm…Kon finally got through to Lydia. When I look back on it, it happened rather suddenly. I'd planned this for around Ch15, but impulse got the best of me—for plot progression's sake, of course. (smirk)_

_PLEASE REVIEW! (How'd you like Sanzo's and Yumoa's respective bits?) Also, check out my profile for a link to a new pic I drew, and tell me what you think! It's called "Staring Contest." Kon and Lyds look ALIVE!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	14. Doubt: The Destroyer of All Things

**The Sequel: Chapter XIV**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_If you haven't yet, go to my profile and click on the link to my newest pic! I'm told that it "pwns", compliments of my home-slice __**EoS**__. Even I think it's awesome, and I'm my own worst critic._

_I finished this chapter the day after posting Ch13! Go me!_

_Hmm…in this chapter, there will be good stuff and bad stuff, but the M-rated bits are still pending. Keep an eye out, though. I might change my mind all of a sudden. XD_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"Old One-Eyed Unibrow thought the bartender was kidding when he said 'All we have to drink here is horse urine.'"—Blink-182, __Dude Ranch__ CD cover_

_"Futurama: Beats a hard kick in the face."—Futurama opening sequence_

* * *

**_Doubt: The Destroyer of All Things_**

_**(The Heavens)**_

_Kannon stared in awe at what she had just seen, the bowl of popcorn nearly slipping from her hands in her distraction._

"_Wow," was all she managed to iterate._

_Venus, however, was more eloquent in her surprise and pride._

"_I __**told **__you it would all work out for the best! No mortal woman can resist him!" she cackled triumphantly, leaping to her feet and dancing with an invisible partner while her airy tunic flittered around like a mist. "I was right! Eris has to give up! I was right! Eris has to give up!" she sang as she danced. "Now I can rest assured that Chaos will find happiness! My work is done!" Needless to say, she was about as excited as she ever got._

_Unfortunately, Kannon wasn't so sure. She hadn't missed the brief appearance of Konran's mother, and it left her with a bad taste in her mouth. That Kougaiji wasn't going to take his sister's kidnapping lightly, and Konran's newfound happiness was likely to suffer…if Lydia's over-thinking didn't ruin it all beforehand._

_Settling back down and tuning out Venus' continued prancing, Kannon scanned the watery images, wondering how the Prince would handle things now, and wondering even more how Lydia was going to react when she finally realized exactly how serious this recent development really was._

_The Merciful Goddess was going to need more popcorn, and soon._

* * *

**(Dilemma)**

After Kon left, the room was quiet. I could hear other people moving through the inn—mostly the others putting away the groceries into the bags in Sanzo's room, and the incoherent cursing of the inebriated monk himself—but in the room it was quiet. The clone had ceased her muffled shrieking at the threat of bodily injury, but for some reason I wished she were still making noise.

The silence was almost suffocating.

What had just happened? Now that I had peace and quiet to think, it was clear that something major had just occurred—no, something _earth shattering_.

Kon had kissed me…and I had returned the favor with gusto. This wasn't normal, and I was pretty sure that it wasn't good. I didn't like the need he'd left in me. I didn't like the sudden loss of control.

Mostly, though, I didn't like the way my pulse quickened at the thought of what would happen when he returned. Deep down, I wanted him to hurry back and kiss me again until I lost all sense of self. My confidence was slipping away like so much sand in the hourglass, and I didn't know what to do about it…except…

I knew that when he returned, he would expect something from me that I wasn't prepared to risk.

I couldn't have that—I had to end it before it went any further. It hurt to think about, but that pain only made me even more determined to sever the connection. If I let myself get too attached, and something happened, then he would end up as another Rafe.

Once was enough. It would _not_ happen again.

* * *

_**(Afternoon—Speculation)**_

_After everything had been taken care of, and the obdurate priest had at last been put to rest via the healer's remarkably efficient persuasive skills, Hakkai finally had an opportunity to rest a bit downstairs in the diner. It was already past two, but Goku had yet to pester him for food. Of course, this was probably because, according to Yaone, the young man had had about six malted milkshakes around lunchtime._

_Oh well…it was best not to question good fortune._

"_You look like you've been run through the mill," observed Gojyo, approaching the table from the other side of the diner and bringing his Kirin with him. He took a seat across from the ex-human and sipped his drink casually._

_Hakkai sighed, smiling a little. "Sanzo is rather unreasonable when he's had an entire bottle of vodka. I had to threaten to cut up his gold card before he agreed to lie down and take it easy."_

_Gojyo raised a sympathetic eyebrow. He wouldn't have been caught dead trying to help the drunken holy man. In a priest-kill-kappa world, it was survival of the fittest, and the monk hated him the most. He found it easier to save his own skin. Besides, Sanzo had an irritating habit of not dying when he was supposed to, so there really wasn't anything to worry about._

_Instead of voicing his entire inner-monologue, however, all he said in reply was, "Yeah, but old holier-than-thou can take care of his own ass. He'd have been fine passed out down here."_

"_Perhaps, but it would be bad for business if the establishment became known for incapacitating a Sanzo priest. It's better if he spends his coma in his room, wouldn't you agree?"_

_That earned him a poorly suppressed chuckle. "Man, that's cold comin' from you! Anyway, when do you think he'll finally wake up and drag us out of here. I'm gonna lose my lean body if we don't get going and start getting our daily exercise." There was more to it than that, of course. The water sprite hadn't seen anything strange happen since the freak weather shift, and now it was so nice outside that it was hard to believe that the weather had been bad at all, aside from the tenacious snow, of course. If they were lucky, everything had just fixed itself without their help, and Konran could take Lydia and Yumoa home._

_If their luck was poor, however…_

"_When Sanzo wakes up we can ask him," Hakkai murmured distractedly as he motioned over a waitress and ordered a pot of hot tea. Once she left, he added, "Of course, moving on would beg the question of whether or not Konran's group and Kougaiji's group would follow us. Somehow that would feel a bit crowded."_

"_Yea, I guess you're right," admitted Gojyo. "It would be like someone else was writing our story for us in the middle of it all."_

"_Oh, don't be silly. That's not how life works."_

_While the two chuckled amicably, and while the author uncomfortably shuffled her notes and cleared her throat, the bell on the door gave a cheery tinkle and drew their passing attention._

"_Speak of the devil," Gojyo muttered with a smirk. "Oy, over here!" He waved and caught the entrant's attention. "Have a seat. You don't wanna go up there. If Sanzo wakes up, it would suck to be the first thing he sees—it's kinda like being cursed."_

_Kougaiji frowned, still troubled over the conversations he'd had with both Eris and Konran, but in the end decided that it was too early to set his plan into motion and took a seat at the table as well. "What happened with Sanzo?" he asked, looking for any method of distraction he could find._

_The kappa chuckled in barely contained amusement. "He's pretty much got alcohol poisoning. He'd been drinking since opening, and we just dragged him upstairs."_

"_I see…"_

"_So what did Konran have to talk to you about?" inquired Hakkai, thanking the waitress when she brought the tea over and pouring cups for himself and the Prince. "I caught him in the hall, and he seemed to be in a rush."_

"_Konran? Oh…he just wanted to know more about the clones. I explained that our scientists had created them with DNA samples taken from him and the other gods we've run into." There…that sounded plausible._

_Gojyo's crimson eyes glinted in curiosity. "Huh. So how many are there? They seem to keep cropping up whenever we __**don't**__ need them, so should we be on the lookout for any others?"_

_The Prince shook his head. "I know that there were three, total, but the third was still under development the last time I checked. Seimei and Lydia's clone are the only ones who have left the castle, though Lydia's clone escaped without authorization. Seimei was sent. He was actually here for some time, but he says that nobody noticed him until Lydia finally did. Even Sanzo missed him completely, apparently."_

_The kappa frowned, uncomfortable with the thought of a spy so close going completely unnoticed, especially by the monk. "Yeah, well Sanzo's been drunk almost the entire time we've been here. He wouldn't notice a mountain dropping out of the sky, much less one person who __**sort of**__ looks like Yumoa."_

_Kougaiji sensed the offense, but refrained from commenting. "Of course. Anyway, once this problem with the dimensional fragmentation has been remedied, things should go back to the way they were. The current situation could be considered as a vacation, I suppose."_

"_Yeah, well it's getting kind of boring. Nothing has happened since the weather thing." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a fresh pack of Hi-Lites, lighting up and taking a much-needed breath of nicotine. "Once we're sure that everything's fixed, though, you'll be the enemy again."_

"_And so will you."_

_Gojyo frowned through the streams of smoke emanating from his cigarette, but didn't add anything further._

_They were both right. However, there was no telling when things might get worse before they got better. This break in the weather may have simply been the calm before the real storm hit._

_No pun intended._

* * *

_**(Upstairs)**_

"_Is he really gonna be okay?" Goku asked for perhaps the fifteenth time, frowning in concern at the tossing and cursing figure in the bed._

_Yaone, Dokugakuji, Yumoa, and Seimei were there with him, keeping watch over the monk while trying to instill a bit of peace onto the concerned monkey. Well, three of them were doing that. Yumoa was busy "jamming" on his CD player while playing Pokemon Red on his Game Boy Color. The box had told him to "catch 'em all" but it was beginning to frustrate the poor god that the version he had didn't have all the creatures he needed. Where was a link cable when he needed one?!_

"_He'll be fine," Yaone reassured the young man, only briefly distracted when Yumoa muttered his concerns over "Charlie" the Charizard's "HP" aloud. "I suspect that worse things have happened to him than a severe hangover."_

"_Yeah, but he doesn't look to good. He's kinda green," Goku argued. "Is it really okay to let him sleep? He might never wake up."_

_Seimei smirked—though it may have been more of a reaction to Yumoa's sudden tragic outburst when "Charlie" fainted than to Goku's plight—and said easily, "It's better this way. He'll get well faster than if we kept him up."_

"_Oh…okay, then."_

"_We should probably find something better to do than sit around here, though there isn't really much for us until something else happens to give us an idea of how to fix the dimensional problem," muttered Doku. Yumoa's odd behavior had been worrying him for some time, but what worried him more was how everybody acted like his behavior was __**normal**__. It just didn't sit well with him when there was clearly something wrong with his personality. Weren't gods supposed to be…well…__**godlike?**_

"_So what was up with Konran and Lydia earlier?" Goku asked, retrieving him from his musings. "She freaks out, but that was the first time I've seen her treat him like that over something so small. Usually she just yells at him."_

"_Who knows?" sighed the clone, folding his hands behind his head and tilting his chair back a little. He couldn't have cared less about the Lyds/Kon situation. _

_Yumoa finally got fed up with the game and switched it off in a huff, pulling the headphones off and standing abruptly, much to everyone's non-surprise. "What about Kon?" he inquired, pulling up a chair and sitting at the table with his chin on the wood and his arms dangling listlessly beneath. Poor Charlie…_

_Goku frowned a little, but repeated his concerns to the god anyway, curious about the answer._

"_Oh, that?" Yumoa's head thumped lazily to one side. "She prob'ly just panicked when we walked in on them kissing."_

_Silence._

_More silence._

_Yumoa's eyebrows rose when he looked up to see what the problem was, and found everyone staring at him in disbelief._

"_That's…impossible…right?" Dokugakuji looked to Yaone, and she shrugged._

"_It could be true. We know that Konran has been fighting for her attention for some time now," she admitted, though for things to change this suddenly seemed a bit irrational to her._

_Goku, however, was adamantly opposed to the idea. "That can't be it! Why would she hurt him if she liked him that much?!"_

"_Well, this __**is**__ Lydia we're talkin' 'bout," Comedy explained casually. "She's not all that rational. 'Sides, knowing her, she's likely thinking the same thing. She'll keep denying it 'til reality hits her upside the head, then she'll freak out again 'til Kon calms her down. He's the only one she calls to calm her down, but if he's the problem then she might be a little bit more difficult than she usually is."_

_Again, Dokugakuji was disconcerted by the god's behavior. Was he schizophrenic, or just very adept at pretending to be a fool? Or was he simply an idiot savant?_

"_It all too weird, though," Goku murmured uncomfortably. "I always thought they were just friends."_

_Yaone smiled a little to reassure him. "Well, sometimes good friends can become more than just friends. It's not rare at all. Those two have been together for a long time, so it's really not so surprising that they've begun to move the relationship forward."_

"_Maybe…but it's still weird."_

_Seimei frowned at them all, then set the chair straight with a clatter. "Whatever," he muttered in disinterest, pulling up his sleeve and looking at his watch. "I'm bored and hungry. I'll be downstairs if anyone needs me. There's a cute waitress I need to talk to."_

_As the clone got up, Yumoa leapt to his feet in a flash. "No! I'm comin' too, or you're gonna ruin my good name!" he announced._

_The clone squinted at him, raising a finger and pressing it to the god's forehead to push him slowly back into his seat. "No. You stay here and be a good boy. I don't want people acting funny just 'cause we have the same face, got that? It's better if we're not seen together in public, or __**my**__ good name is what's going to get soiled."_

_Stunned, Yumoa could only stare after his doppelganger in shocked silence as he left without another word._

"_What a jerk!" he grumbled at length, folding his arms atop the table and resting his chin on his hand with a pout. "That's it. Now I'll __**never **be his friend."_

* * *

_**(Return)**_

_Though he had entered the building first, Konran kept himself hidden until he was certain that nobody would notice him going into his and Lydia's room. He didn't want to stir up any suspicion over what exactly had been going on when everyone had burst in unannounced, but mostly he just wanted to make sure that she and he would be alone._

_Once in, he shut the door as quietly as he could and spotted Lydia sitting silently on the couch, frowning hard at the floorboards._

_Uh-oh. That usually meant she was in a bad mood._

"_Are you okay?" he asked softly, and she flinched and stared at him in apparent surprise. "I'm sorry I took so long, but…hey, what's the matter?" She was gawking at him like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi._

_Instantly worried, he went over and sat beside her, but when he tried to touch her, she pulled away and stood suddenly, clearly intent on leaving. But before she could even take a step, he grabbed her arm and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her too quickly for her to escape. There was no way in hell that he would allow her to just shut him out after what had happened. He'd be damned if he let her go when he was so close to having her._

"_You're shaking," he murmured, pressing his face against her hair. "Tell me what's wrong. Please?" Strange how silence bothered him more than her shouting._

_Gently, he reached up and swept her long hair aside, turning her to face him, and then froze in surprise._

_She looked positively terrified._

"_Lydia, are you all right?" he whispered, holding her face delicately so that she didn't try to turn away. "Did I do something wrong? What happened?" _

_She opened her mouth to speak, but shut it tightly before any discernible words could escape and averted her eyes stubbornly._

_Frowning slightly, he decided to test something, and slowly bent over her lips, placing a gentle kiss on the soft curve of her mouth._

_Her response to the gesture was immediate, and suddenly her arms were around his neck, holding him tightly as she opened up to him completely. All of his worries evaporated in an instant, and his fingers slipped up her throat to tangle themselves in her hair._

_The god was surprised, though. This time there was no frantic devouring, biting, or rough play. Actually, she seemed small and sweet, her little hands and delicate lips starved for contact while the rest of her was relaxed, curled in his arms._

_He smiled to himself. She tasted like mocha._

* * *

**(The Not-So-Great Escape)**

It was no use. Despite how hard I had tried to convince myself that ending this thing with Kon before it even began was the best course of action to take, when he came back in through that door I could already feel my control vaporizing like so much self-delusion.

I wanted to kick, scream, cry—anything would have been better than losing myself…but deep down, all I really wanted to do was touch him again.

And when I did, I knew I was a goner.

My only remaining choice was to retreat…but he tasted so good…

ARGH! It was too hard to think with his tongue in my mouth! What good was a backbone when he could make it melt like butter?!

With this realization in mind, I tried to pull away, but to no avail. For once, the fact that his strength outmatched mine truly bothered me. It was too easy for him to slide his hands around my back and pull my hair tight, raising my mouth to his like an offering to the gods.

…or…well…_erhem_…to the God of Chaos, to be more precise.

Damn! What the hell was I doing anyway kissing a _god?!_ This time I actually tried to push him away, but was immediately thwarted when he eased me onto my back on the sofa and pinned my legs to the cushions, pressing the entire length of his feverishly warm, painfully beautiful body against me.

As if driven by forces beyond my control, my own body adjusted automatically to fit against him and take in every inch of flesh it could. With a rattled sigh, I arched into his powder-smooth hand when it wandered under my shirt, and gave him room to slide it up the bare midline of my body. Any and all control I may have once had was now officially gone.

I really was going to cry, both because it felt amazing and because I was scared out of my mind. Could he not take a hint?! It wasn't that I didn't like it—oh, I liked it—there was just no way I could maintain any semblance of normalcy if my self-control was compromised like this. It was too much too soon.

_Oh, quit your whining and enjoy it while you can_, grouched REASON.

I didn't _want_ to enjoy it! I wanted to run away.

_Bite him! _suggested MISCHIEF. _You know he'll like it!_

Say _**WHAT?! **_Who said you could talk?!

_He so smexy! Take his shirt off!_ squealed HAPPINESS.

_**Augh!**_ What the _HELL?!_ No! Shut up, all of you! You're going to kill me!

_Please, please, **please** get him out of those tight jeans, _sighed CURIOSITY. _I wanna see him naked._

_**GRRRRGH!**_ That was the last straw. In a fit of panic and gathered determination I shoved him off me as hard as I could, and while he was disoriented I scrambled to the side and off the couch, hitting the floor at a sprint.

"I just remembered!" I cried frantically, reaching the door and yanking it open. "I gotta wash the toaster so I'm just gonna go take care of that, okay?!"

"Eh?!" Konran demanded articulately. His confusion knew no bounds.

Too late. I was already in the hall, running for my life.

"I'm sorry!" I yelled as I rounded the bend and made my escape.

And I was. I was very sorry. I could still taste him on my lips, and it took all the resolve I could muster to burst out of the inn, shoeless and afraid. Half of me wanted him so badly that it hurt, which only further provoked the other half to run like hell. My brain was a mess of protest and indignation and disappointment, but I didn't give a damn. The instinct to preserve the _status quo_ was irrefutable.

…Dear gods, I hoped I hoped he wouldn't follow me. If he did, I knew wouldn't be able deny him again.

* * *

_**(Not-So-Casual Observers—Mount Olympus)**_

"_Whoa. You really can see everything with this thing," Lirin marveled aloud, munching on a giant, juicy apple and gazing fixedly at the images flickering across the many facets of the crystal._

_Eris frowned at the girl, marveling herself at the fact that the little imp didn't seem to think that kidnapping was all that big a deal. "I already told you that," she muttered. "This picture here is the one I have been watching." She indicated the largest facet._

_Lirin glanced over and her eyes went wide. "Whoa! That's Kon and Lydia! What're they **doing**?!"_

_Quickly, Eris looked into the image, and suddenly her temper rose like a firestorm of rage. "This is absurd! What the blazes is Kougaiji doing while this is going on?!"_

"_Eew, are they eating each other?" The Princess wrinkled her nose in distaste, unable to comprehend how anyone could enjoy that._

"_Shut up! This is not supposed to happen!" The goddess began pacing restlessly, her midnight garments whipping around as if to emphasize her consternation, and tried to come up with a way to end it all in one fell swoop._

"_What's wrong? If they really like each other, then it's okay, right?"_

"_**NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!**" exclaimed Konran's mother. "It's wrong! He is a god! He needs to act like one, not go around tainting my bloodline with mortal filth!"_

_Lirin pouted at the "mortal filth" remark. Lydia was her friend. She wasn't filth in any way, and if she really liked Konran that much, then Lirin had no problem with this. "That's not nice. No wonder Kon doesn't wanna listen to you. If you're mean, then he won't listen. Like my mom. She's mean to me all the time, so I'm always runnin' away from home." She looked back to the image, but suddenly forgot what she was talking about. "Hey, somethin's wrong! Lydia just pushed him off and ran away!"_

"_What?" Eris waved her hand above the crystal, and all the facets flickered to that one image. Her smooth brow creased in thought, contemplating this new development. "I see…so the girl does not want him…or perhaps she is just afraid? I could probably use that."_

_The little youkai took another bite of her apple and munched noisily. "Whatcha gonna do?"_

_The goddess shot her a disapproving frown. "Don't talk with your mouth full. It's impolite."_

_Obligingly, Lirin finished chewing, before swallowing and repeating her question._

"_I want to talk to that girl," Eris replied, tapping one long, black-lacquered fingernail against her pointed chin. "If you are lucky I may not need your brother after all, but just in case, I will keep him on his leash for now."_

"_Be nice to her, though. Lydia can get kinda crazy if you make her mad. She could even beat Kon, and he's a god."_

_Eris didn't agree. There was no way a mortal girl could outmatch a god…however, **this** mortal girl was also an equivalent. It would probably be prudent to use caution, in any case._

"_I will keep that in mind," muttered the goddess, waving her hand again and returning the crystal to its normal state. "I have to go do something, so stop playing with my potions. There is food in the cupboard, if you are that hungry, but you have to promise not to touch the apple potions again, understood?"_

_Lirin squinted in thought, then nodded. "Okay. Have fun!"_

"_Uh-huh." As she shifted to her scattered form, she hid a small smile. Eris couldn't help but wonder how any mother could hate that little girl. As irritating as she could be, she certainly had some endearing qualities._

_Also, she wasn't human. That was certainly a plus._

* * *

_**(Venus de Wino)**_

_Aphrodite had halted in mid-prance to gawk at the pool. _

_More than a minute later, she unhinged completely. "Absurd!" the Goddess of Love exclaimed in frustration, gripping her golden tresses and curling into a cringing ball of incomprehension._

"_I'm really not that surprised. Lydia's a complex young woman," Kannon muttered, frowning at her empty latte mug before waving it above her chair to indicate that Jiroshin should bring another. He took the mug to refill it, and she folded her hands across one knee. "She's not accustomed to lust the way most women are, and the whole thing with her late gang leader only makes it harder for her. It'll take more than a moment of passion to make her see Konran as more than a friend. Give it time."_

"_Don't be ridiculous!" Venus snapped. "No woman in her right mind would push him away like that! He's hotter than Adonis was, for Hera's sake!"_

_The Merciful Goddess frowned slightly. "You adopted him when he was a baby. Doesn't it seem at all…**inappropriate** for you to refer to Konran as 'hot'?"_

"_Of course not. I'm just stating an understood fact. All of the other gods are jealous of him—that's why they sent him to work in Hades, where he couldn't do much harm to the female population…but to think that this mere mortal girl could deny him?!" She let go of her hair and sighed hopelessly. "Ugh, I need a drink."_

_Kannon smirked. "For once, I agree with you." She snapped her fingers. "Jiroshin! Cancel the latte! Irish coffees all around!"_

_"Yes, Merciful Goddess," he muttered dispassionately, going off to do her bidding and wondering quietly to himself whether or not it would threaten his job if he put a bottle of sleeping medicine in Venus' cup. _

* * *

**(Hideout)**

A woodshed.

It was a lame hideaway, I knew, but it also seemed like the safest place to be during a crisis like this one. Wood didn't argue nearly as much as the disgruntled voices in my head did, and with the ground still coated with a thick layer of snow, it was warmer than a tree would have been.

…I hated myself.

There were several reasons for this realization:

Firstly, I had given in not once, but _twice_ to Kon's persuasion. This was not normal, oh, no. I knew my will was stronger than that, yet I had still allowed my poor judgement to rule me. Unacceptable.

Secondly, I had run away. I was now officially a coward, incapable of diplomacy and reduced to hiding in a woodshed. If my dignity had taken a downward turn when I gave in to Kon, then it had flatlined the moment I turned tail and ran. I felt sick just thinking about it.

Lastly, however, and possibly most devastating of the reasons to hate myself, was the fact that I had probably hurt the god. He'd done nothing wrong, really. Sure, he had started it, but I should have said no before it could even begin. I didn't want to ruin the relationship we already had. It had been okay, hadn't it?

_You think too much. Go back and apologize to him and let him make you happy._

"Shut your trap, REASON. I'm not in the mood."

_Yes, you are—or, rather, you **were**—before you started thinking too much, at least._

"I'm PMS-ing. It's normal to get impulsive."

_Don't make excuses. You've never had an "impulse" like this before. Admit it already: you're falling for him. By the looks of it, you've been falling for some time—took you damn long. Hit the ground, would you?_

"I am not!" I protested, before slapping my hand to my mouth and glancing around the dank woodpiles, listening for the sound of approaching search parties. Once I was sure it was clear, I whispered almost inaudibly, "I can't be! That's just stupid!"

REASON snorted derisively, _You're so naïve that it's a miracle you can function. It's bad enough that you didn't notice Konran's feelings towards you, but to be completely oblivious to your own feelings is just pathetic._

I frowned, confused. "Kon doesn't have feelings for me."

The voice was silent for a while, then:

_Are you stupid or something? Why the hell else would he kiss you like that?_

I ignored the heat rushing to my face at the memory of his kiss, and grouched stubbornly, "He has no reason to. There's nothing in my personality that's even _remotely_ suitable for making him like me. I'm clinically insane—who in their right mind wants to get involved with an established madwoman?! Besides, guys are known for being detached. How else does Gojyo sleep around without falling for every woman he does it with?"

_This isn't about Gojyo. This is about Konran, and regardless of your shortcomings, the fact that he hangs around is enough evidence to prove that your fractured rationale is wrong. Has Konran ever brought a woman home? Has he ever spent the night anywhere else but your room, barring the nights when you kicked him out for some trivial reason? Why the hell do you think he insists on sharing the bed with you, dammit?! It's because he's so obsessed with you that he can't stand sleeping anywhere else but by your side!_

This was insane. None of it made sense to me. The bed thing was just Kon being overprotective because I was his equivalent. If something happened to me, then he would be the one hurt in the long run. He had no choice but to watch me like a hawk. "He's just trying to protect his assets," I muttered, shaking my head. "The stuff today was just a whim. It doesn't mean anything. I'm no more important than a faucet."

"Good to know that you understand your place," crooned an unfamiliar voice.

I jerked back in surprise and fell off my seat, unintentionally meeting the gaze of a dark-haired woman in a draping, silk toga-like garment. She had eyes like pure, perfect emeralds, and an oddly pointy grin.

"Who—who the hell are you?!" I demanded, automatically rolling over and getting to my feet, putting a safe distance between us. This wasn't good. She looked familiar, but nothing about her said that I could trust her not to hurt me. I didn't have any weapons on me—I had run out of the inn without my coat _or_ my shoes, let alone the Beretta or Kon's sword. It was a careless mistake, which could end up getting me killed in this world.

Instead of attacking me, however, the strange woman smiled slowly and elegantly took a seat on my log pile. "I've come to discuss something important with you." She had a rich tone, kind of haughty, but mostly just regal. Her voice was deeper than one would expect a woman's voice to be, yet it seemed to fit her shadowy appearance.

"What do you want to talk to _me_ for?" I asked, my fight or flight reflex battling over what to do. "Who are you?"

Her red-lipped smile broadened, but instead of giving me a sense of peace, it made me want to run for help.

"I am Eris, the Goddess of Chaos. I'd like to discuss the matter of my son with you, if it is not too inconvenient."

My mouth dropped open. Aww, crap. I was _**so**_ dead.

* * *

_**(Indoors)**_

_Konran was miserable, lost, confused—all those words he could use to describe how he felt about Lydia's sudden flight. He couldn't stop questioning himself, worrying over whether he had pushed her or scared her into doing something she hadn't wanted to do._

_But despite his self-doubt, he knew he had to find her and clarify a few things. Knowing her, she probably thought the whole thing was a hormonal imbalance, or a mental illness._

_Yes, in Lydia's mind, LOVE was a mental illness to be treated with strong pharmaceuticals._

"_Damn it all to hell!" the god muttered, going down the hall and opening the door to Sanzo's room. "Hey, has anybody seen Lydia in here? Possibly throwing a fit, though I'm still not sure whether she's scared or angry."_

_Yumoa was the only one who wasn't gaping at him as though he were a ghost, and replied with a yawn, "Nope, but I did hear someone yelling about toasters and running downstairs. Why? Did she freak out?"_

_Chaos frowned, suddenly wary, "Over what?"_

_Comedy rolled his eyes and propped his chin on one hand. "Duh. Over you kissing her."_

_He blanched. "Uh…thanks for the info—bye!" Konran bade a hasty retreat, shocked yet again at how keen his cousin was. Dammit. Did **everyone** know about this?!_

_Fortunately, he didn't see Yumoa turn to Doku, Yaone, and Goku and chuckle mischievously, holding his other hand out to the middle of the table, "Told ya. Now pay up. I need money for a link cable."_

_Downstairs, the god found Hakkai and Gojyo eating a light snack with Kougaiji, but despite his uneasiness towards the Prince, who had suggested that he threaten his relationship with Lydia, he asked if they had seen her come by._

_Gojyo squinted at him, a smirk trying to twitch its way into existence in his mouth. "Why? You do something bad?"_

_What was with everyone asking "why"?! Why couldn't they just answer the damn question?!_

"_Gojyo, please," Hakkai sighed. "We saw someone running out not long ago. It could have been Lydia, but they were moving too quickly to be sure. Is she all right?"_

"_That's what I'm trying to figure out. Thanks, Hakkai."_

_As the god hurried out the door, he could almost feel Kougaiji's cold gaze following him, but he ignored it and pressed on. There was no telling what Lydia would do if left alone for too long._

"_Yo, jackass!"_

_Kon frowned and looked up to find Rhadymanthus and Hakuryu wheeling above the inn in lazy circles. So that was where they had flown off to. They drifted lower and alighted on the roof of the Land Rover._

"_Rhad…Hakuryu…" Chaos murmured, walking over while glancing around for signs of his equivalent. "Hey, while you were up there, did you see…"_

"_Lydia?" the bird finished before he could. "Yeah, she's in that shed over there, but I don't think it's a good idea to go in. Something reeks about the place."_

_He gave a start. "Is she in danger?!"_

_Rhad did his little bird-shrug, and the little dragon **kyuu**-ed his two cents. "Probably. There's something bad in there with her." _

"_Dammit!" Without any further discussion, he ran as fast as he could to the shed and nearly ripped the door off its hinges when he pulled it open. "Lydia?!" He froze when he saw her sitting on the woodpile, and caught the barest glimpse of something like smoke trailing out of a crack between the planks of the wall behind her. "What happened? Are you all right?"_

_Then he paused, noticing the expression on her face._

_He'd never seen her so angry. _

* * *

**(Resolution)**

Eris had had a lot to say. At first, I'd been skeptical—after all, Kon had told me that she wanted him dead…but then she told me about his _other_ equivalents.

From that point on, I had listened intently to every word she said.

By the time Kon showed up, she had already gone, but the damage was already done.

He looked ragged, but I wasn't convinced. Actually, I was pissed. To think that I had been so blind…

"Lydia?" He frowned when I stood slowly and began walking towards the doorway. "What's wrong? What happened? Are you okay? Who was just here?" I didn't respond, and when I was finally within reach, he took hold of my hand, forcing me to look at him. "Lydia! Tell me _some_thing!"

I looked at his hand, then up into his eyes, suddenly so angry that I couldn't hold it in any longer.

In a blur, my free hand flew up and backhanded him across the face, and he staggered back in surprise, gaping at me.

"What the—what was _that_ for?" he asked, too shocked to be mad.

I jerked my hand from his and turned to leave, but when he grabbed it again I snapped completely and ripped it from his grasp, rounding on him in my rage and gripping the front of his shirt to pull him down to my eye-level.

"_Don't you **ever** fucking touch me again,"_ I whispered an inch away from his face.

Once certain that he understood, I shoved him away and finally went back to the inn to pack his things.

After all, we would no longer be sharing my bed—or my room—from that moment forward.

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_(D8 –Shock—) Whoa. It's been a while since I've finished an entire chapter in a single day. Of course, it's 3:39 AM right now, so the fact that I don't sleep much might have something to do with it._

_Lydia's last line here is kinda important, cause she never uses the F-word prior to the conversation with Eris. If you look back at everything she's said throughout both TIG and TS, you'll notice this. This here is the first time._

_Poor Kon. I felt like crap while writing that last segment, but since I take a sick pleasure from torturing him, I didn't make myself stop. Makes you wonder what Eris said, though, eh? _

_As usual, Yumoa is lovable, and Lirin is adorable. Even Eris can't help but like her. I like making her appealing, since I know a lot of people who think she's irritating. _

_Anyway, hope you liked it!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	15. Complications: An Invisible Puzzle

**The Sequel: Chapter XV**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Angsty Kon is back, but for a limited time only, people! Come get him while he's hot! _XD

_Another chapter…man, I'm on a ROLL! Last chapter was kinda harsh, eh? Eris did some serious psychological manipulation on Lyds, trust me. She didn't actually do much lying, but she twisted the truth enough to mess with Lydia's head._

_As for Kougaiji's little plot…well, that's a secret for now. (smirk) Don't forget to review!_

_Oh, and as a warning, there are __**MATURE **__bits near the end. I'll remind you when they come up. (smirk)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"Boy: (noun) A noise with dirt on it."—I can't remember who said this…_

_"My jokes are inappropriate at best."--Daniel Tosh_

* * *

_**Complications: An Invisible Puzzle**_

_**(Dinner and a Mood Swing)**_

_Awkward didn't even begin to cover it. It was taking all the effort Goku possessed to keep his eyes on the plate in front of him, and not to glance over at Lydia, who was exuding an aura not unlike Sanzo's when he hadn't had a smoke in three days. Something had happened—this was as obvious as a flashing neon sign screaming a lurid pink "I'M PISSED OFF AT KONRAN!!" in fifteen different languages._

_What bugged him, however, were the circumstances. He was certain that it hadn't been the kissing thing—eew!—but it probably fell into the same category. It was like someone had told her some really awful news, and the new was somehow the god's fault, made worse by the kissing thing._

_Konran wasn't at the table. He hadn't even come to dinner after moving into a vacant room next door to Sanzo._

_The monkey was so worried about Kon and Lydia's friendship that he didn't even notice when Gojyo stole a potsticker from his plate._

_This, apparently, was the straw to break the camel's back._

"_Goddammit!" Gojyo snapped suddenly, throwing his chopsticks down in a huff and shoving his chair back as he stood. "I forgot something upstairs. I'll be a few."_

_The others watched his retreating back in uneasy silence—Goku especially. He didn't say anything, though. He was too preoccupied with other thoughts—shockingly enough, none of them concerning the food._

_Hakkai, on the other hand, understood the problem, and looked at Lydia, who was pointedly ignoring everyone present. The falling out with Konran had struck them all as a shock, especially when it seemed that things had been going so well. He didn't feel that it was his place to comment on her love life, but the task usually fell on him to take care of the ikkou when they were disturbed. He just wasn't certain how to address the problem this time around._

_Perhaps a chat with Goku later would help the boy rest easy, but Gojyo was harder to handle. The kappa had invested the most enthusiasm in Konran's favor._

_It was a pity that Sanzo was utterly down for the count at present. For once, the banishing gun seemed like a nice distraction. _

* * *

_**(Confrontation)**_

_Gojyo knocked quickly on the door to Konran's room, determined to find out what the hell had happened to trash a perfectly fine evening. God or not, if he learned that Konran had forced Lydia to do something lascivious—anything at all—he was going to kick his deified ass from here to Kinzan temple. If there was one thing he hated, it was—_

"_What do you want?"_

_Startled, he looked up to see Konran in the doorway, and realized that he'd been completely lost in his thoughts._

_No matter. He pushed his way in and took a seat at the dining table, waiting for Kon to close the door before saying abruptly, "Spill it. What did you do to her?"_

_The god hesitated with his hand still on the knob, then muttered after a stretched moment had passed, "Nothing to warrant the treatment I've received today."_

"_Then explain to me why she booted you out. You must have done **something**." The kappa couldn't imagine Lydia acting like this if Konran really hadn't done anything wrong. She may not have realized it, but she and the god were practically inseparable, despite how often they argued._

_Chaos let out a long, desolate sigh and turned from the door, wandering listlessly to the table and sitting down across from Gojyo. "I really didn't do anything horrible enough to make her hate me like this. All I did was kiss her, which she—amazingly—accepted and reciprocated. Then she started thinking too much, panicked, and ran away. When I found her, she was like this…"_

"_Wait, you **kissed** her?!" exclaimed the water sprite, shocked that he hadn't found out sooner. "When was this?!"_

_Kon frowned at him. "Earlier. If you all hadn't barged in with the groceries, we might have gone further."_

_Gojyo winced. So that was the real reason behind Lydia's launching Kon through the air like a catapult. They had surprised her. That girl really didn't have any self-control, did she?_

"_Sorry…" he muttered lamely._

_The god shook his head and rested his elbows on the table, lacing his fingers behind his neck. "It wasn't your fault that she decided to hate me. You don't have to apologize."_

"_She doesn't hate you!" argued Gojyo. "That just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you think she hates you?"_

"_Because the last words she said to me were, and I quote: 'Don't you ever fucking touch me again'—unquote. She never talks like that! She hasn't spoken a word to me since, not even when she threw all of my things out of the room." He let go of his neck and his head dropped to the table with a thump. "What should I do? I can't even begin to decipher what the hell happened in that woodshed."_

_It was a pitiful sight, to see the God of Chaos reduced to little more than a lump of hopelessness, but the kappa had even less of a clue as to what had happened. "I really don't know, man," he admitted, taking out a cigarette and lighting up. "It sounds to me like someone brainwashed her."_

"_Fine, but then who was it? She was alone when I found her, and despite her inherent personality flaws, I don't think it would be a simple task to brainwash Lydia." He couldn't think of anybody who had enough clout with the girl for her to accept being reprogrammed to hate him. Even if she hadn't wanted a serious relationship, he was certain that she would have kept him nearby._

_Gojyo tapped his ashes into the blue glass ashtray and sighed, "Well, I guess we'll have to investigate, then, because this just doesn't sit right with me."_

"_But where do we start? I don't want to provoke her anymore."_

_The kappa grinned despite the god's mood. "Leave that to me."_

_Kon lifted his head and squinted at him, but decided in the end that he was trustworthy. "Could you do me a favor, though? It's not much, but I'd like you to remind Lydia to take her medication. It used to be my job to make sure she took it, but right now she won't even look at me, let alone listen to a word I say."_

_The grin faded to something less boisterous. Whatever was going on with Lydia was wrong on so many levels…_

"_Sure," he said with a nod. "I'll keep an eye out for her in your place, but only for a while."_

"_Only for a while? Why?" Was Gojyo going to give up so soon?_

"_Because when she realizes that she's wrong about you, then I'll have to step down. 'Sides, I'm no good at being a caretaker. That's Hakkai's specialty." Now that he was confident that Konran hadn't done something heinous to the girl, he saw no reason to hang around wasting valuable time, and got up from his seat, stubbing out the Hi-Lite and dumping the tray in the trash. "I'll ask Hakkai and my bro if they noticed anything."_

"_Thanks. At least there's one person who doesn't want me to be miserable…"_

_Gojyo suppressed the urge to laugh. "Are you kidding? **Everyone's** rooting for you. Hell, even Kannon's on your side. The only one who doesn't give a damn is Sanzo—and maybe Kougaiji—but mostly just Sanzo, which isn't that big of a surprise anyway, since he doesn't give a damn about anything except his weapons and that scripture—and the monkey, but that one's on the down-low."_

_His words did little to alleviate the god's depression, but Konran did appreciate the sentiment. "Thanks for everything. I apologize for invading your world like this, and for dragging you into my personal life."_

"_Nah, it's no problem. It beats the hell out of arguing with the ape over the sukiyaki meat. I'll check things out on my end—you just do whatever it is gods do when they have to fix a problem."_

"_What? Sulk? Go to war?"_

_Gojyo paused at the door and frowned at Chaos. "I was leaning more towards confronting the source of the problem, but you never know. Lydia could suddenly realize that she's been manipulated. Sometimes a lady only needs time to think, so just because she thinks she hates you right now doesn't mean she'll hate you forever."_

"_Maybe…" Sulking had sounded so satisfying, though, and the god still doubted that something like this could simply wear off. Lydia was tough, but emotionally, she had a vulnerable interior. He had discovered this only recently, but he could now see that it had been apparent all her life._

"_See you, Kon."_

"_Good night, and thanks for giving a damn."_

"_What are friends for?" he chuckled as he stepped out._

_Alone again, the god felt no urge to do anything at all just yet. Mentally exhausted, he slumped forward on the table and closed his eyes, trying not to think about Lydia's last words to him. He'd had no idea that loving someone could hurt more than being stabbed through the chest with his own sword, but it did. Emotional wounds couldn't be bandaged. Stitches wouldn't put her in his arms. It was an injury that would just keep bleeding until either she patched him up again, or he died._

_But the kappa was right. It was too early to give up._

_His mind kept slipping back to the odd black smoke he had seen leaving the crevice in the shed's wall, and instinct told him that the culprit had something to do with it. It reminded him of something, but it felt like an ancient memory._

_Kougaiji, too, was a suspect, though Kon wasn't sure whether or not the Prince could pull off something this complicated._

_And Eris…his mother…she wanted him dead or married to another goddess, so it was possible that…_

_His eyes snapped open, and suddenly he was out the door, catching Gojyo just as he reached the stairs._

"_What's up?" the redhead asked, surprised to see the god so flustered out of the blue._

_Kon caught his breath, then said as steadily as he could, "I think my mother has something to do with it—Eris, the Goddess of Chaos. When you talk to Hakkai, tell him that Kougaiji and my mother have been trying to separate me from Lydia. She even kidnapped Lirin as collateral, to make him do what she wants."_

_Gojyo quirked a brow. "Kougaiji and…your **mother**? Where the hell did this come from?"_

_Chaos just shook his head. "Long story short: I thought she was dead, but she's not, and she's hell-bent on preventing mortal blood from tainting her line—i.e. Lydia. She's using Kougaiji, but I think Yaone and Doku are safe, so you can bring them into it. Just make sure Kou doesn't find out."_

"_And you think she's the one who brainwashed Lydia? How are you going to fix it, then?"_

"_No idea, but it's a start, right?"_

_The kappa frowned, but nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I'll tell Hakkai. He's good at figuring things out—you sure you don't want to come and eat?"_

_The instant change of topic threw the god for a moment, but after a thought he shook his head. "I can't…she's there, and…it's still not better. I'll think of something, but right now she despises me, and I don't even know why."_

"_Okay then. In that case, you should get some rest—really, man, you look like hell. We'll have a meeting tomorrow, like back when your sister was the bad guy." He paused, then added as an afterthought, "Oh, and seriously, you have one screwed up family. First your twin sister, and now your own mother? I hope you don't turn into an asshole, too."_

_For the first time since Lydia crushed his soul, Kon admitted a small laugh. "Oh, I'm an asshole. The only difference is that I'm aware of it, and am in the process of fixing it. Besides, Lydia would never have tolerated my presence if she knew who I used to be before that thing with my sister. I have no choice but to be good."_

"_Well, that's a relief. Just ask if you change your mind about food. I'll send the monkey over—he needs the distraction."_

"_All right. Maybe later."_

_While Gojyo returned to dinner, Konran returned to his room to think. Eris was the common link in all of this, and once he figured out a way to bring Lydia back to normal, then she would probably have a more efficient method of getting rid of the root problem._

_But even so, it was going to be almost impossible to fall asleep tonight without her there beside him, and that realization was enough to shatter his improved spirit. Even if there was a way to fix her, the fact that she wasn't there at that moment left him feeling dead inside, and in a distracted haze, he lay back spread eagle on the bed and closed his eyes. Maybe if he focused solely on those few moments when it seemed he had conquered her, it would be easier to rest. _

* * *

**(After Dinner)**

I was a testament to how angry I was that Yumoa's antics with Seimei and Dokugakuji didn't improve my mood at all. The god had somehow managed to hook up a generator outside of the inn—though where he had found it was beyond my ability to fathom—and had run an extension cord to a free-standing, 32-inch, HD plasma-screen television and the PS2. This was all currently up in the room I was sharing with him, Goku, and Gojyo. The clone had been moved to Kougaiji's room for safety purposes.

It was weird as hell to see Comedy and his clone battling it out on DDR.

I couldn't really remember whether or not I had spoken to anyone since yelling at that lying parasite—not that I really cared, but Goku wasn't acting like himself. I felt a little guilty for making him worry, but I wasn't going to let the parasite get away unscathed. I wanted him to hurt, regardless of what the others thought.

"Ack! Hard part!" Yumoa cried suddenly, covering his eyes. Like something possessed his feet flew across the pad, striking each arrow in rapid succession until he peeked though and let out a sigh of relief that the song had ended. "Shoot, I missed one…but that was pretty good! What'cha think, Seimei? Fun?" He turned to the clone expectantly.

Seimei, on the other hand, had stopped even trying. He was too busy staring as though Comedy had just taken off his own hand and replaced it with a bowl of petunias. "How the hell…what the…how did you _**do**_ that?"

Yumoa shrugged. "I memorized the steps. You lost, so get off. I wanna see Doku dance!"

I glanced at the swordsman. He'd gone oddly still, as if trying to become invisible. "No…no, I'd rather not, if that's okay with you…" he managed to respond, slowly edging behind Yaone, who gave him an amused smirk.

"But it's awesome!" argued the god. "Look, I'll put it on an easy one. 'End of the Century' isn't bad in beginner mode."

"Maybe another time?" Yaone suggested lightly. She didn't want to hurt the god's feelings—we all knew how he got when his feelings were hurt.

"I think he just doesn't wanna dance," murmured Goku, staring absently out the window from his bed.

Yumoa pouted. "Oh…well that's boring…you play then! You did really good with the controller."

"I don't really wanna, either…"

However, the god had stopped listening, and immediately grabbed Goku's arm and tugged him forcefully off the bed, steering him onto the second pad before he could argue. "You're playing," Comedy said sternly. "You'll feel better."

Goku seemed surprised, but after a thought he finally relented. "'Kay, but I wanna choose the song."

"Works for me. Pick what you like," he replied with a cunning grin.

At this, the monkey tapped his foot on the pad, picking out my favorite song, 'Tsugaru', and hitting the start button.

Yumoa frowned at the screen, then at Goku. "'Tsugaru' on heavy? But that's crazy hard."

"Why? You can't do it?" There was a challenging edge to his tone, as though daring the god to chicken out.

In response, Comedy stomped on the pad several times and hit start. "Bring it on! I'll beat ya senseless!"

And so it began.

It was one of the most jaw-dropping performances I had ever seen—enough even to distract me from my anger for the duration of the song.

Standard was as well as I could go on that song, but Goku had mastered it to the point of madness. His little legs skipped lightly across the pad as though it were the easiest thing in the world. His golden gaze flicked across the arrows at the top, registering the steps with split-nanosecond reaction times. Yumoa, who had never known defeat, was suddenly on the brink of utter annihilation.

He let out a panicked cry and put on an extra burst of speed in an attempt to catch up to Goku's currently flawless score, but to no avail.

By the end of the song, the monkey had absolutely destroyed the god.

"How can this be?!" he lamented, falling to his knees and sobbing like a child. "First Twister, and now this?!"

Goku just shrugged at his triple-A perfect score. "You only missed a couple. You did good, too."

"But you beat me! Nobody can beat me! Lyds! Tell him!" There was a soft _popping_ sound, and suddenly he was a little chibi version of himself. He crawled over and hugged my leg, crying into my lap.

I patted his head and sighed, "It's okay. There are worse things that could happen to you."

He looked up, frowning through the tears in his enormous, firelit eyes. "Like making you kick me out like you did to Kon?"

I didn't have to look to know that everyone else was staring at him in shock. Except Goku, who was frowning hard at me.

"You could never do anything as bad as what he has done to me," I murmured softly, avoiding the monkey's expectant gaze. "You're completely innocent. I want you to stay."

"No! I can't leave Kon alone like that! He's my best friend, and he's a good person! I dunno what you _think_ he did, but you're wrong!" In a flash of red light, he was normal again, standing before me and pointing an accusatory finger between my eyes. "Kon's innocent, too! I'll _prove _it to you, and then you _have_ to want him back, 'cause he's gonna kill himself if he can't be with you! If I lose Kon, I'll never forgive you, Lydia!"

At that, he stormed out, slamming the door in his wake.

A moment later, Doku stood and made a big show of yawning. "Well! I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'll just be going to bed now. Good night, guys. Yaone, you coming, too?"

She nodded, perhaps a little too eagerly. "Yes, I'm tired as well. It's been an exhausting day, what with the clone and everything. See you all in the morning!"

Like culprits running from the law, they hurried out without another word, leaving me alone with the monkey and Seimei.

"You wanna go, too?" I asked the two of them, frowning a little.

The clone shrugged. "Sure, why not?" He took his time sauntering to the door and opening it, but before closing it behind him, he added, "I don't get what's going on, but it seems to me that your world's imploding. If you'd like help with that, I'd be glad to be of assistance."

"Get the hell out!" I screamed, jolting to my feet and glowering at him.

He gave me a sly smirk—eerie on a face I associated with someone much more childlike. "Sleep well, 'Princess'."

After he shut the door, I realized that I was shaking, and I sat down abruptly, hugging myself to make it stop.

I glanced up at Goku. He was staring at me as though he pitied me.

"What?" I demanded harshly, uncomfortable with those strangely all-seeing eyes watching me so closely.

He blinked, then looked down at his feet, sitting slowly on Yumoa's futon roll. "Hey…I'm not mad at ya, 'cause I don't think you're acting this way on purpose, but I feel bad for Konran," he murmured quietly, still not looking at me. "I agree with Yumoa. Kon's a good guy now, and I thought before that you'd forgiven him for all the stuff he did to ya when he was the bad guy, so I was just wonderin' why ya suddenly decided that he's bad again."

He was so innocent and endearing. "I'm sorry you feel bad, but I just found out today that he's been lying to me for a long time. I'm not capable of tolerating what he's been doing to me."

"But why can'tcha just forgive him again?" he asked, finally looking up and pinning me with that intense gaze. "I know ya like him a lot, and that he pretty much takes care of you. What're ya gonna do without him?"

I broke eye contact. "I can take care of myself. I don't need a babysitter."

"He's not your babysitter—he's your friend. If he really wanted to hurt you on purpose, then he woulda told ya what he did, but 'cause he didn't, then doesn't it mean that he didn't wanna hurt you?"

I frowned. "I don't want to discuss it. He doesn't take care of me because he cares—let's leave it at that." I got up and went over to the door, pulling it open and stepping out. "You should go to sleep. I'll be back in a few. I want to take a walk around the inn, first."

He gave me a disgruntled pout, but nodded anyway. "Okay…but what about Gojyo and Yumoa?"

"Gojyo's talking to Hakkai, probably about Sanzo. Don't worry about Yumoa. He's just really attached to his cousin. He'll come back when he gets tired. Good night, Goku."

"'Night, Lydia," he muttered, still discontent, but resigned to my feelings on the matter. "Hope ya feel better after your walk."

That made me smile, just a little. "Thanks, monkey."

* * *

_**(The Heavens)**_

_Kannon was normally a remarkably easygoing goddess, but for once her attitude of detached curiosity and fascination had gone out the window, replaced with the kind of anger that the higher-ups frowned upon. This time she didn't give two damns the whole "pure observation" rule._

_She had seen what Eris had done to the kitten, and it was unforgivable. Venus had been too wasted to notice, but the Merciful Goddess, who could hold her liquor better than Hakkai, had witnessed it all…_

…_and she was royally pissed._

_This was against all of the rules. There was no way she would allow some stray, lower goddess to just waltz in and ruin the intricate web she had worked so hard to manipulate in her favor. She had put so much effort into leading her hellions and the kitten's group to where they needed to be. This new hindrance was going too far._

_Something had to be done. It was time to pay a visit to Lydia's realm and convince someone with power to set things straight again._

"_Jiroshin!" she called, and he was there in an instant, sensing that something was amiss._

"_Yes, Merciful Goddess?" he asked, hoping in the back of his mind that she was going to kick Venus out—who, at that moment, was a sobbing mess on the floor beside the pool._

_Her face, however, told him that something different was bugging her. "Get me the approval I need to cross into Lydia's dimension. I don't care how—just do it. It's about time I put a stop to this chaos."_

* * *

_**(The Plan)**_

_It was surprisingly easy for Kougaiji to get the room to himself. All he'd had to do was volunteer to guard the clone while Yaone and Dokugakuji went to say goodnight to everyone else and make plans for the following day. After all, it didn't seem like there was much to do until they had more information on the disturbances._

_Unbeknownst to everyone else, a messenger had come to inform the Prince of another bizarre event not far from the village they were in, but he hadn't told the others yet. Even if the next town over **was** currently under siege by a gang of angry fish-people pirates, he didn't intend on telling anyone just yet._

_He didn't want to have everything rearrange itself until he was certain that his sister was safe._

_The clone hadn't slept yet, probably because sleeping while duct-taped to a hard chair for the duration of one whole day would make it especially difficult for anyone to get comfortable enough for sleep. This was fine, though. Kougaiji had other things in mind than letting the clone sleep._

_Once certain that nobody was within earshot, he pulled another chair up to face the glowering young lady and took his seat. "I have something I need you to do, and in return I will set you free," he stated bluntly, earning himself an incredulous look. "I need you to make sure that Lydia and Konran break apart completely. If you promise to do that, I will remove your restraints and let you go do whatever it is you want to do."_

_Her sea-green eyes narrowed in interest, and she nodded once._

"_Do you know what you're going to do to make this work?"_

_She nodded once more._

"_Good. When my friends are asleep, I'll undo your binds. Until then, keep quiet."_

_She clearly didn't like the idea of sitting like this a moment longer, but nodded her assent anyway. Oh, she knew **exactly** what to do to get rid of that pesky mortal girl. No one was going to take Chaos from her. **No one.** _

* * *

**(A Little REASONing)**

Now that the absurd weather had cleared up, it was actually very pleasant outside. There was a cool breeze blowing, rustling the trees surrounding the village, and the sound had a calming effect on my mind. My body felt tired and sore due to factors beyond my control, but it wasn't as if I hadn't gotten used to it over the years.

_You're depressed._

I frowned, my good mood beginning to dissolve. "Don't."

_Have you even considered discussing it with him, or are you going to just use this as an excuse to run away? Surely you're not **this** cowardly._

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Go to sleep." I kicked a rock across the dirt path and heard it fall into a pond on the other side, but as I turned away, there was a squeaking noise and the fluttering of wings.

Emerging from the rushes was Hakuryu, flapping to eye-level and gliding over to land on my shoulder.

"Kyuu!" he complained, turning and showing me a crimp in his tail.

Oops. "Did I hit you?" I asked, a wash of guilt accosting me. "I'm sorry, little guy. I didn't know you were there."

He turned back around and snaked his long neck down, squinting at me with his tiny red eye. "Kyuu?"

"Uh…I don't speak dragon, dude. Sorry."

"Kyuuu!" The little claw at the joint of one wing gripped my hair and tugged.

"Oww! Hey, knock it off! What'd I do?! I said I was sorry!" I winced and pulled my head away, but he pulled it closer, seemingly frowning at me. Strong little bugger!

"Kyuu."

_He wants to know it you're okay_, REASON translated, sighing as though tired of my presence.

"You can understand him?"

_Yes, and he can understand you._

Well…that was weird, but not unheard of in a dimension such as this. "I'm fine," I replied to the dragon. "Just a little tired, that's all."

He let go of my hair and backed up a little, staring at me in obvious doubt. "Kyuu."

"_No you're not."_

"Thank you," I grumbled, irritated that the voice could understand despite my ignorance. "Really, I'm okay, Hakuryu. Where's Rhad? I thought he was with you." The bird had hightailed it the moment I went off on the asshole. There was no telling what sort of mischief he was getting while everyone was taking it easy back at the inn.

"Kyuu. Kyuuuu-kyuu," he replied, plus a few unintelligible chirps thrown in.

"_He said he was going home. I don't know where he is now."_

I frowned. "Huh. I wonder why."

Suddenly, he made a trilling sound and grabbed my hair again. "Kyuuu!"

"Augh! Geeze, what's with you?!" I cried, trying to pry my hair from his little grip. "REASON, what's he saying?!"

_He says, "Because he's worried about Konran. It's your fault. What happened to make you so mad at him?"_

"None of your business! I'm just pissed at him, okay?!" I replied, to which the dragon made an even bigger fuss and actually took off, flapping around my head in tantrum-esque manner. All the while, REASON continued translating, clearly agreeing with everything the creature was saying.

"_Did you tell him what made you angry?! Why would you treat him like that? It's not fair to be so cruel when he doesn't even know what made you mad in the first place!"_

Finally, I made it away from the lizard and took a step back, holding my hands up in surrender. "You don't seem to get it! Eris said that he's been using me the same way he used all of his other equivalents! Wouldn't his own mother know something like that?! Venus raised him into a little tool she could use to gather power for herself, and he's been lying to me the entire time, saying that he's 'good' now, when he's really not! He's nothing more than a stupid asshole!"

The dragon hovered in the air while I ranted, then replied softly, "Kyuuuu."

_Well, why am I not surprised that even the animal figured it out?_ REASON murmured airily.

"What did he say?!" I demanded.

The voice was silent for a little bit, then replied simply, _He says, "But that 'stupid asshole' is in love with you."_

My skin went cold, and not because of the breeze. It took some time to get my vocal cords to cooperate, but finally I managed to whisper, "That's not possible." I shook my head. "It never changed when he became 'good' and helped us get rid of Chitsujo. I'm just another toy to him."

"Kyuu? Kyuu-kyuuu-kyu! Kyuuuuuu?!"

"_How do you know? You haven't talked to him about it! How can you let someone you don't even know tell you what to think?!"_

I frowned at the dragon, getting that nagging feeling again. "I can't…he's probably mad at me anyway. He doesn't want to hear my argument."

"Kyuuu. Kyuu-kyuuu," he chirped softly.

"_Of course he does. He'd just be happy that you're talking to him again."_

"What should I do, then?"

_That should be obvious,_ the voice in my head responded with a sigh. _Go on. Go and clarify everything before you let this madness continue. I'm going to go take a nap._

Stupid voice. It had a point, though, and Hakuryu didn't look like he was going to leave me alone until I did what he wanted me to do.

"Fine," I relented, holding an arm out to the dragon. "You come, too. Hakkai's been waiting for you, and you're probably hungry."

He alighted on my shoulder and I turned back towards the inn, starting to feel a bit nervous about confronting Kon. "Kyuuuu!"

_He says, "That's more like it."_

"Shut up, REASON."

* * *

_**(Kon's Room—Rated MATURE!! DX)**_

_Ten o'clock. He'd been lying on the bed since Gojyo's visit. Three hours was a long time to stare at something as uninteresting as the ceiling. Sleep was out of the question, no matter how dark it was in his room. How was he supposed to sleep when he was dying inside?_

_He kept wondering what it would be like when they went back home. She would probably move back in with her adopted parents, leaving him to go back to Hell alone. Literally. Yumoa would go back to Olympus._

_That hurt more than anything else did, knowing that he'd have to return to the place he hated most, rather than live with the one person he'd ever really cared about._

_Just then, there was a tapping at the door, and with a heavy sigh he rolled over and frowned at the wood. "Who is it?" he muttered, not bothering to sound interested._

"_Kon? Can I come in?" Lydia's voice was muffled by the door, but he couldn't have mistaken it for anything else._

_Before he could stop himself, he scrambled off the bed and sprinted to the knob, half afraid that if he wasted even a single moment she would walk away forever. "Yes?!" he cried, yanking it open and staring down at her, fighting to keep his heart in his ribcage._

_She looked startled, then blinked and looked down. "Can I come in?" she repeated._

"_Of course!" Why couldn't he seem to stop shouting?! "I mean, sure," he added, letting her step into the middle of the room before slowly shutting the door. "Why…why are you here?"_

_She frowned. "I came to apologize. I…I went off on you without getting all the facts, and I'm sorry."_

_Was this a dream? This was impossible. Since when did Lydia **apologize**? Unless…_

_No! That was absurd! _

…_But then again, here she was, apologizing._

_Slowly, he reached out and touched her arm, and instead of flinching away she let him pull her into his arms. "I'm sorry if I scared you," he whispered. He'd had no idea that he could feel this happy._

_She leaned back and smiled a little, then took hold of his shirt and pulled him down, kissing him deeply._

_At that, he unhinged._

_He lost all the control he'd had. By the time he took a moment to breathe, he found himself on the bed, staring down at her in surprise. They were both nude, their clothes scattered on the floor._

_For some reason this scared him, no matter how "happy" he was to see her naked again._

"_What's wrong?" she breathed, sounding worried._

_He frowned. "I'm just surprised…I've waited years for this. It seems too easy."_

_She smiled, clearly relieved. "Then let's make this memorable." She took hold of his neck and sat up, wrapping her body around him and crushing whatever argument he was about to make._

"_Oh, wow," he gasped instead when she took matters into her own…self…(A/N: cough…)_

_She was so soft and warm and sweet…_

…_wait…_

…_wasn't she supposed to be a virgin?_

_**BAM! **_interjected the door.

"_Ass-hat! I wanna set some crap straight before my brain explodes at me!" declared the well-known intruder who had busted the door in._

_Uh, oh… _

* * *

**(A Room with an Unpleasant View)**

"Hi Lydia," Goku said to me in the hall when I came up the stairs. He was leaving the unconscious Sanzo's room.

I glanced behind him in uncertainty. "Hey, monkey, what's up? Why do I hear a large group of people conversing in the angry monk's room this late at night? Won't he wake up and shoot someone?"

He shook his head and laughed a little. "Nah, he's still out cold. Hakkai says he's fine, though. Why's Hakuryu with ya?"

"Oh. I found him outside. Could you take him to Hakkai?"

"Kyuu!" Without waiting for an answer, the little bugger flitted to the monkey's head and nested in his hair. Not landed—_nested._

"Uh, okay, I'll take him," Goku laughed. "Where're ya goin?"

"I have to argue with the ass-hat some more. I'll harass you guys later. Have fun plotting without me."

"'Kay. I gotta go get drinks for Hakkai and everyone anyway."

"See you, monkey-boy."

With Goku gone, it was time to get to business. I wanted the voices to shut up, and the only way to do that was to confront my antagonist. Shoving aside my innate pessimism, I marched to the door and kicked it open, deciding on a dramatic entrance. I wanted him scared.

"Ass-hat! I wanna set some crap straight before my brain explodes at me!" I shouted as though declaring war on a wayward nation.

However, he was distracted.

I'd had no idea that the human body could bend like that, but apparently it was entirely feasible with assistance from another person. It was actually kind of fascinating to watch. So _this_ was sex.

But…wait a minute…I could see a fall of long black hair…don't tell me…it couldn't be…me?!

Ass-hat chose that moment to realize that I had busted in, and looked up, frozen in blatant shock.

I couldn't have stopped myself if I had tried.

As I stomped up to the bed, the second person—the one on the bottom—looked up to see why ass-hat had stopped, and noticed me a little too late.

"She-bitch, I condemn thee to HELL!" I screamed, roundhouse kicking ass-hat in the head and grabbing the clone by her poorly dyed blondie-black hair while the bastard fell back, clutching his face and groaning. Before she could even protest, I dragged her off, naked and kicking, and literally threw her out the door in my rage. Actually, she went a little further than the initially intended door and ended up falling over the banister and down to the first floor with a yelp and a loud crash.

Once sure that the bitch was out of commission for now, I turned back to the god and shut the door behind me, locking it with a profound click.

He sure recovered quickly from my attacks. He was already up and covering himself with a pillow.

"Lydia, I can explain! I didn't…"

"Explain it to my FIST!" I snapped, taking a running start and spearing him to the floor. I got my hands around his throat and started squeezing, pinning his arms with my knees. "You…you…you MAN WHORE!" I cried in a fit of rage. "You son of a BITCH! Your mother was right about you! Well, here's the deal, Casanova, we're gonna discuss your indiscretions AFTER I strangle the life out of you, OKAY?!"

"My…mother?!" he demanded intermittently between gasps for breath. "What did she…tell…you?!"

His pretty eyes were starting to get bloodshot—always a good sign of asphyxiation. "She told me all about your little brothel-business with dear Auntie Aphrodite! You're just her little minion, sent out to seduce the world's women and turn them into Auntie's slaves! But now that I know, I'm shutting you down for good!"

He grimaced and suddenly jerked his whole upper body off the floor, and in an instant, he was the one pinning _me_.

"You insane, paranoid delusional madwoman!" he cried in astonishment while I tried to squirm away to no avail. "Are you so gullible that you'll believe Eris?! It's her PURPOSE in life to tear people apart! Did the Trojan War teach you nothing?!"

"Then what were you doing with the she-bitch clone thing?!" I demanded. "You're gonna go off with her, aren't you?! You're gonna leave me alone again, right?!" Somewhere in all the screaming, my throat started feeling tight, and I didn't know why until I felt hot tears running down my face.

"Lydia…" he murmured softly, spotting the droplets.

"Shut UP!" I shouted hoarsely. "You bastard! I hate you! You and all the other gods can die horribly and rot in Hell for all I…"

I stopped shouting. He had let go of my wrists and took hold of my face, bending over me and planting the barest kiss on my lips.

"I'm sorry I made you cry, I'm sorry I'm always hurting you, and I'm sorry I haven't told you this until now…" he whispered, a worried crease in his brow.

I blinked in shock. His eyes had already returned to their usual pure phthalocyanine green-on-titanium white. "Told me what?" I managed to ask despite my surprise, starting to realize that yes, he was naked, and that this little fact didn't sit well with me.

He stared down at me from less than an inch away and smiled almost sadly. "I love you. Your subconscious knows, but I've never told your waking half. Eris was right, in a way, but I haven't done anything like that for almost a millennium, and you're the only person I've ever loved. I wouldn't give you up for anything." He kissed me again while I tried to process the information, but then his tongue got in the way of _that_, and for some absurd reason I started crying again.

"You jerk…" I hiccuped, covering my face and shying away. Why did he do these things to me? Why did the voices in my head know these things when I hadn't noticed at all? Why, dammit?!

"What's wrong?" he murmured in worry.

I peered through my fingers, then slowly lowered my hands and muttered, "Don't kiss me again until you wash the bitch off you. I can't believe you let her touch you. You reek of clone (1)."

He frowned, then blinked, then began to laugh. "_Again_, huh? Well, if you want a shower, then a shower you will get."

Without further explanation, he scooped me up off the floor and began heading towards the bathroom with me in tow.

Something wasn't right. "Wait a minute…Kon! What are you doing?! No! Take me back, damn you!"

He just laughed, "Oh, stop complaining. I promise to be gentle. I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

I blanched, froze like a deer on a busy freeway during rush hour, then started scrambling for safety, "Argh! No! Wait, I left a food in the oven! A FOOOOOD!" He wasn't…he couldn't…no!

"I don't think so!" he chuckled, tossing me over his shoulder and affording me a rather pleasant view of his bare butt. "I'm breaking you _tonight_, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"You jackass! I can't do this! Hell no!" I protested, pounding his back with my fists in a halfhearted rage. "Help! Someone save me! I'm gonna be raped!"

"Ah, don't be silly," he sighed, carrying me into the bathroom and locking the door with the key in the knob, which he then put on a high shelf where I couldn't possibly reach before setting me on my feet like a terrified poodle. "You can't rape the willing," he explained, bending to my eye-level with an expectant glint in his eyes.

Rather suddenly, the air in my lungs became something akin to a lump of lead. Sweet sanity, I couldn't say no to that look…but the scary part was that I didn't really _want_ to anymore.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile…The Neighbors Take Notice)**_

"_Hey…should we, maybe, at least go check on them?" Dokugakuji finally asked of the poker table, setting a stack of chips in the pot. "I'll bet twenty."_

_Gojyo quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not interrupting Kon's fun. It's about damn time that guy got what he wanted." He shoved a stack of chips forward. "I'll see that and raise you thirty."_

"_Yeah, but I think I heard someone screaming about rape…that's bad, right?"_

_Yaone looked up from her cards and sighed, "I'll see that, I suppose. Doku, you have to understand that sometimes no means yes—at least in the case of young girls of Lydia's disposition. I'm not worried. Lydia yells a lot for no reason anyway. She's probably just being dramatic."_

"_But, knowing her, something like this might be the one thing she's really afraid of. It doesn't really make any sense **not** to see if something's wrong," Hakkai pointed out with a genial, ambivalent smile as he pushed his enormous pile of chips towards the middle of the table. "I'm all in."_

_Yumoa laughed and fanned his cards out to cover his grin while his eyes watched the other players shrewdly. "Of course it makes sense! She's just nervous, but she likes Kon just as much as he likes her, so it's okay even if she starts screaming like a banshee in a toilet." He scanned his hand then flicked a card down. "Go fish!"_

"_AAAARGH! For the last time, this is POKER!" Seimei snapped, before throwing down his hand. "Dammit. I fold. Hakkai's got some wicked trick up his sleeve or somethin' 'cause he keeps smiling." He leaned his chair back and sighed, "I just hope Konran quits being a whiny little emo baby for once. It's annoying."_

"_Shit, I'm out…and it doesn't have to make sense, anyway," Gojyo replied to Hakkai's comment, throwing his cards to the middle. "If no really meant no, then every man alive would die a virgin (2)…or end up in prison." He frowned at the thought, recalling far too many past women for even him to remember them all. His adult life could have been drastically different in a variety of ways…bad ways._

_Doku stared at his cards, then at Hakkai, then set the cards down. "I'll fold, too. I just don't understand Lydia…"_

"_I'm all in," Yaone announced firmly, adding her chips to the pot. "Nobody does, except maybe Konran. Of course, men need to know where to set boundaries. Konran was smart enough to wait until Lydia was accustomed to sharing a bed with him—which is an oddly brilliant technique…"_

"_I suppose it is," mused Hakkai, before turning to the little dragon on the corner of the table beside the deck. "Hakuryu, if you would?"_

"_Kyuu!" Cheerily, he picked up the last three cards and turned them face up. "Kyuu…"_

_Hakkai and Yaone set their cards down at the same time, and everyone frowned._

"_Wow…you beat him…" Gojyo murmured in awe. "Hakkai didn't have jack shit, but even then he never loses!"_

_She smiled proudly and pulled the mountain of chips over to her side for counting. "I knew he was bluffing. He always smiles like that."_

"_Creepy. Know your enemies and all that shit, right?"_

_She shrugged, half-distracted by the chips. "I suppose, though for now you're friends as well, which means we have to know you three times better."_

"_Uh, huh…"_

_At that moment, a flustered Goku carrying a paper bag of drinks came hurrying in, setting it on the floor before running to Hakkai and tugging his sleeve in earnest. "Lydia's clone got in an accident! She fell off the railing and landed on a table full of glasses. I think she's pretty hurt…and she's naked for some reason."_

_Yumoa frowned in distaste. "So? Gimme mah apple juice, yo." After his tantrum and the following chat with Kannon, he'd lost all fascination with the Lydiclone. If she died, that was just fine with him. Same for Eris. He didn't care if she **was** Kon's mom—she was mean and unreasonable, and therefore deserved disappointment. When the time came, he would do what he had to in order to help Kon and Lydia stay together. He didn't feel like getting thrown into joint custody between those two. It was too much work, and Tartarus didn't have a PS2. _

_Goku squinted at him uncertainly and looked to everyone else, but they all wore identical expressions of not giving a damn. "Right. So…uh…who ordered what again?"_

_Gojyo chuckled. "That's more like it! Toss me a beer, monkey!"_

"_Get off your ass and get it yourself, cucumber head!" Goku snapped back._

_And thus ended the reign of the Queen of Obnoxious Obstacles…or so we would like to think._

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_**(1) **Yes, this was a pun. Cologne…clone…see? XD I'm such a DORK!_

_**(2) **This is a direct quote originally part of a joke by Daniel Tosh. Buy his CDs. Watch his Comedy Central specials. If you like my kind of comedy, then you will LOVE this man._

_So there you have it. Kon finally told the conscious half. (About damn time!) …And kidnapped her to boot! Next chapter is rated MATURE, and I refuse to take responsibility if your mother walks in on you while you're reading it and subjects you to The Talk…I'll have enough to deal with if my own mother walks in while I'm WRITING it. (laugh…shudder…)_

_Longest chapter yet! But it's not over, not by a long shot. However, after next chappie, we get a visit from some One Piece folks for you fans out there, as well as Gintama, Bleach, more Ouran, and maybe even Angel Sanctuary. I'm also considering getting Ginji from GetBackers onto my mad little bandwagon. He, Yumoa, and Goku together would be PURE BRILLIANCE._

_Until next chappie!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	16. SEX: a Self EXplanatory title

**The Sequel: Chapter XVI (MATURE XD)**

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(Author's Note) **_

_This chapter is rated __**MATURE.**__ Why? That should be obvious. Just read the title._

_Not all of it is bad, but there's some seriously graphic stuff strewn about in here. To __**Wolf**__, I apologize, but this thing was written LOOOONG before you voiced your concerns, and to change it now would screw up my flow. I marked it all pretty well, though, especially the last graphic bit, so anyone who can't handle it may skip those parts. I arranged it so that skipping wouldn't really hurt the overall story line._

_To those of you who don't give a damn how graphic it gets: Kidnappings, seduction, citrus, proposals…it's all in here! Hot and fresh, people!_

_Oh, and you get a lot of Kannon in his chappie, 'cause I love her attitude, and Jiroshin's funny when he's hanging around her. Plus, MORE GREEK GODS! That's what you get for going to Olympus. (laugh) Have fun with the gods and lemons, now! _XD (You better damn comment on the newest Greek Gods! I worked my ass off to make those bits just right!!!)

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"Drive it like you stole it."—bumper sticker on a car I saw today on my way to Home Depot to get some topsoil_

"_If you can read this, I can hit my breaks and SUE YOU."—another bumper sticker I saw on the back of a seriously ghetto redneck pickup_

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**SEX: a Self EXplanatory title**_

_**(Downstairs)**_

_Of all the things Kougaiji had ever experienced, a naked girl flying off the balcony and landing on a table right in front of him was probably the most sporadic of them all. The impact of flesh hitting wood virtually exploded the table legs and collapsed the entire structure, sending splinters and the shards of a dozen glasses flying every which way. The sudden event threw the diner into frenzy, and the fact that the victim was a young naked girl didn't help._

_The prince avoided the panic. He didn't have to do much guessing to come to the conclusion that either Lydia or Konran had figured out the clone's plan, and had taken immediate action._

_But to throw her off a balcony…no, it had to have been Lydia. For her, it was a perfectly normal response; and to everyone who knew her, she wasn't normal by any stretch of the imagination._

_Already, the bartender had called in his elderly wife to bring a first aid kit and dress the girl—and her wounds. Like ants rushing to fix a caved-in tunnel, they carried the girl into the back where the customers and guests couldn't gawk. She was barely conscious. Kougaiji could hear her muttering something about killing "that meddling mortal girl" and gasping at random as—he supposed—the larger pieces of glass were removed from her body._

_Even if she was clearly delirious, he knew he couldn't just hang around the bar, lest she say something to implicate him and ruin his efforts to save his sister. Lirin was top priority, regardless of who else was hurt._

_Following common sense, he slipped away as discreetly as he could and took refuge upstairs in his empty room. Doku and Yaone were still in the monk's room, probably lost in conversation, but that was fine. He needed some more time to think._

_If luck were on his side, then the clone had at least completed the task of splitting Konran and Lydia apart for good. That was all he needed, really. He didn't give a damn about the clone, so long as Lirin was safe, and so long as Eris kept her promise to free his mother. However, knowing how underhanded she was, she could easily decide that it wasn't good enough and refuse to free Rasetsunyo._

_Fine, he could free his mother himself by helping the witch, but he wanted Lirin back safely, regardless of the cost. It would just take a little bit of patience on his part. _

_He was accustomed to waiting._

……………………………………………………………………………………

**(The Bathroom—rated MATURE, but it's not really very graphic, considering…Actually, READ THIS. The first half is important.)**

An argument. I needed a valid argument if I wanted to weasel my way out of this. I didn't like how my body reacted when Kon went and turned on the showers. My eyes couldn't seem to get a hold of themselves, and kept slipping down his long, amazing body like a kid on greased monkey bars. Everything except the ME half of my brain was enjoying it a little too much.

_Oooh, I wanna touch…_ CURIOSITY sighed longingly.

_**NOT AGAIN!**_

"Kon…" I attempted, looking anywhere but at him. "I can't do this. Er…I'm on my cycle, so wouldn't it be bad if…?"

He leered over his shoulder and I cut myself off. "No. No excuses," he said flatly. "You can argue all you want, but right now you want me so bad that I can smell it on your skin. If experience has taught me anything, it's how to know when a woman wants me. I don't care if you're bleeding like a stuck pig—I'm taking you _tonight._"

I argued anyway. "I'm too young for this kind of relationship! Besides…I always figured I'd wait 'til I was married…" A dead dream, of course. Kon was the first guy ever to take this kind of interest in me. In reality, I had been looking forward to growing old alone in a rickety mansion with a dozen dogs, in a neighborhood full of small children I could chase off my pristine lawn while wielding a nine-iron.

"Fine, then marry me."

_**HUH?! **_

"Wait, _what the hell?!_" I demanded, startled beyond all sanity. "You crazy person! You can't just chuck crap like that at an innocent girl and expect her to accept it!"

He shrugged, and I fought the urge to sigh when the muscles in his back and shoulders slid under his fine pearl skin like something hypnotic. "Sure I can. Marry me. Any god can declare a marriage. It's easy."

My world was crumbling like over-baked bunt cake. "No, it's _not!_ Aargh! What is _wrong_ with you?!"

"Look, I've already established that I'm in love with you," he reasoned. "All that I need to know now is how you feel about me—and don't say I'm just your friend. That's just your terror talking."

"But you _are!_"

"Kiss me again and I'll prove you wrong."

"No!"

"Fine. Have it your way." Without warning, he grabbed my arm and yanked me up against his body, taking hold of my chin and forcing me to look him in the eyes. "I LOVE YOU. When I say those words, I can see the blood rushing to your face because you _like_ hearing them. You're not the kind of person who believes in love, but deep down you feel something for me that you haven't ever felt for anyone else before, not even Rafe."

I couldn't think straight with him so close like this. I was thankful for my clothes, because without them I would have broken down by now. It was all I could do to keep my hands from roaming his bare chest.

But what _did_ that mean? He was right—I'd never felt these kinds of things before, but what was it, really? Lust? Lust and love together? CURIOSITY?

"I don't know, Kon," I whispered meekly, shutting my eyes tight.

"I'll show you, then." Suddenly, I found myself free, and peeked to see that he had returned to the shower, adjusting the temperature so that it wouldn't cook us alive. "Take your clothes off, or I'll take them off for you."

"EH?! Hell no!" I backed up and my hands hit the door. I was trapped in a bathroom with a naked man! Why didn't school teach me how to deal with crap like this, rather than focusing so much on logarithms?

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair in exasperation, and turned back to me. "Fine. I'll _make_ you get naked."

Before I could scream for help, Chaos trapped me against the door and wrapped his arms around me, pinning my limbs so that all I could do was dig my nails into his back while he buried his face against my throat. His lips moved up my neck to my ear. Delicious shudders went chasing through my skin as his tongue slipped behind the shell, tracing a shivering line back down my neck, then along my collarbone, then…

He paused and I opened my eyes, only to find my shirt had vanished.

"Ack!" I yelped in shock, before nearly passing out when he continued on down my body, leaving a tingling trail of kisses along my skin. My eyes shut again, and my heart began to sputter like a bad engine on its last leg. I threw my head back against the door. Best not to think. Thinking was bad. Bad!

There was an unsettling tug at my waist, and I jerked my head up in time to see my pants fall, while Kon smirked up at me with his thumbs hooked on the waistband of my underwear.

I froze, cursing myself for liking cargo pants and beginning to question my own doubts.

He had freed my arms long ago, as I realized when I discovered one hand clawing at the door while the other gripped his thick hair to push him lower. My body was trying to destroy me!

He smiled wolfishly. "Told you so. You want me. I'll take care of the rest in a moment, but for now this is enough to get you in the shower."

Clothes! Where the hell were my clothes?! They weren't anywhere visible! "Wait! But…"

"Too late!" He hooked an arm around my waist and tugged me through the curtain to the steamy blast of the showerhead beyond. "By the time we're done showering—yes, just showering—you'll be _begging_ me to take you to bed."

I frowned, feeling more indignant than panicked at that statement. "Excuse me? Has anyone ever told you that you're a cocky bastard?"

He smirked, his eyes gliding down my wet-underwear-clad body. "Incredibly cocky."

Still frowning, I glanced down _his_ body, then blanched, and tried to leap out of the shower. "Nooooooo! It's gonna hurt! I already have cramps! _I don't need this, too!_" Stupid curtain! Outta my way, damn you!

So that was what shower curtains were for—thwarting the escape plans of cornered young girls.

Konran caught me without difficulty and pinned me back against the tiles, grinning like a greedy little kid on Christmas morning. I gaped up in shock at the water beading down his face and hair like a wet dream shampoo commercial as he pressed the length of his body against my front. My breath caught in my chest. It was touching me!

My brain exploded in a cacophony of cheers and incoherent screaming.

"I think…" he murmured darkly, sliding his hands around my waist to the water-slicked skin of my back, and down under my panties to cup my bare rear, "…it's time to get the rest of these clothes off, don't you?"

The shower felt suddenly cold, not because all the hot water was gone, but because my entire body had instantly become warmer. Unable to make my voice come out coherently, I stared helplessly into his marvelous eyes and nodded once.

He smirked. "I thought so."

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(Mount Olympus)**_

"_This is the place, all right," the Merciful Goddess mused as she took in the whitewashed, clouded, rocky surroundings. "Mount Olympus is kind of small, though, don't you think? Yumoa wasn't kidding, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if Tartarus was bigger."_

_Jiroshin frowned. "Yes, well, it would probably be more prudent not to tell the head god. He may take offense, and from what the brochure says, he is usually in an irritable mood due to his sometimes-estranged wife." He folded up the pamphlet and tucked it under a sleeve._

_Kannon lit up, "Wow! He sounds so much more exciting than the Jade Emperor! Can we go see him, too?"_

"_No."_

_She frowned. "Good point." The goddess scanned the area for signs of life, and found a young, sprightly-looking god slumbering on a fluffy cloud. His helm and sandals sported small wings, and across his breastplate he held a staff twined with twin golden snakes. "Let's ask him."_

"_Perhaps we should not wake…" Jiroshin stopped talking. Kanzeon was already marching purposefully towards the god. "Oh, well…"_

_Once close enough to be heard, the goddess shouted to the sleeping deity, "Hey, you! Wake up and give me some directions! I'm on a tight schedule here!"_

"_What happened?! I wasn't sleeping!" He jerked awake and fell off the edge of the cloud, but before hitting the ground, his sandals gave a flutter and he froze in mid-air, upside down and bobbing on the light breeze. Righting himself, he assumed a more dignified attitude and turned to Kannon with an irritated frown. "Who are you?"_

"_Kanzeon Bosatsu of Shangri-La," she responded blandly, putting her hands on her hips. "And who are __**you**__?"_

_He puffed up his chest proudly and grinned like an innocent farm boy. "Why, I'm Hermes, Messenger of the Gods!"_

_She nodded. "Cute. I need directions to wherever Aries is. Now."_

"_Aries?" he repeated, clearly baffled by the request, and disappointed that she wasn't impressed with his rank. "May I ask __**why**__ I should interrupt the God of War and put my life at risk?"_

_She merely smirked. "Tell him it's about his son."_

"_Which one? Romulus and Remus are dead, you know. Crafty little buggers they were, especially Romulus, what with the killing of his brother, and the starting a new civilization, and the confusing everyone by giving them different names…except Apollo, lucky bastard…"_

_The goddess squinted one eye, cocking her head to the side. "Uh, right. I'm here to ask about his son, Chaos, actually."_

_This was not what the god had expected. What he had expected was clearly something less frightening. "Cha-Chaos? I have no idea what you're talking about! Good day!" At that, he made to zip away as quickly as his nimble winged feet could take him, but with a snap of her fingers the messenger god reappeared before the goddess._

"_I don't think I've made myself clear," she said, smiling grimly at his nervous fidgeting. "Aries' son is in danger, and Chaos' __**mother**__, Eris, is on the brink of tearing my world apart. You __**will**__ show me the way to the God of War. He doesn't scare me. My nephew was more of a hassle than any war god could ever be, got that, __**Hermes?**__"_

"_Merciful Goddess…" Jiroshin sighed, more as a mantra than as an admonishment. He knew too well that she was an unstoppable force when she got something into her head. There was no point in arguing._

_Hermes, too, seemed to get this impression, and nodded quickly, eyes wide. "Y-yes madam! Right away! Follow me!"_

_She turned and smirked at her manservant, who merely rolled his eyes and trailed behind as she went to follow the god down a gilded pathway. All he hoped was that she didn't stir up trouble with the gods of this dimension. If Shangri-La's gods were any indication, then these Greek gods would likely not take too kindly to being ordered about and undermined._

_Then again, it was obvious that Konran's name was a bit of taboo._

_He sighed again. Oh, no. She was going to blackmail them, for sure._

_Sometimes he wished he had posted his résumé to a different deity, perhaps someone with less intelligence and self-confidence. At least that way he wouldn't have been dragged into precarious situations like this on a daily basis._ ……………………………………………………………………………………

**(The Room of Bath—still rated MATURE—More MATURE than last time. You may skip it entirely, if you so wish.)**

I had no idea how Konran did it. It was like a superpower or something, to be capable of making clothing disappear without the knowledge of the wearer until it was too late. And when I say _disappear_, I don't mean _remove._ Really, clothing vanished without a trace, making it impossible to squirm away and redress myself.

It was so ridiculously easy for him to rid me of my underwear that it was almost comical.

Of course, I was far too busy avoiding a faint to give two damns about my undergarments' vanishing act. If his skin had felt good against my hands, it felt like a wild dream against the rest of my body, and once the shampoo had gotten involved, it was over for me. All resistance was gone. The only thing I cared about now was keeping him pressed against my flesh.

"Oh, my god," I groaned when he turned my back to him and bit lightly down my neck while his hands glided up my hips and waist to hold my breasts in his palms. It sent powerful shivers throughout my body, making it harder to breathe.

He chuckled and squeezed a little, making me gasp and throw my head back against his shoulder. "Your god, entirely," he whispered intimately, kissing me deeply.

While his tongue stroked the roof of my mouth, he reached down and gripped my inner thighs, spreading them apart and wedging his leg between, raising it enough to touch me somewhere devastating. I moaned against his lips, and his leg went higher, until my feet actually left the floor of the tub. His arms went around me to keep me steady and I gripped them tightly, wanting more.

That was it. He was _mine_.

Once on my feet, I turned and grabbed handfuls of his soapy hair, yanking him to my lips and sandwiching him between my body and the tiled wall as I drank him down. If this surprised him, he got over it pretty damn quick. His fingers slid around my neck and held my jaw, keeping my mouth within easy reach as he steered us away from the wall and under the shower.

"What are you doing?" I asked, coming up for air. It was hard to breathe, kissing him under a downpour.

He let me go and wiped the water from his face, slicking his hair back so that his brilliant eyes were the only color visible. Without the hair in the way, his eyes were brighter, larger, and elegantly tapered, with coal-black lashes framing their splendor. He really was gorgeous…

"Lydia? Did you hear any of that?"

I flinched. "What?"

He frowned a little, then smirked. "I'm glad I have that effect on you."

I pursed my lips crossly. "Shut up. What did you say?"

"I said, 'Let's get rinsed off now. You're ready.'"

I raised an eyebrow in uncertainty. "How do you know that I'm ready?"

"Would you like me to show you?"

Something about the way he said it made me want to say no, but in the end CURIOSITY won out. "How, then?"

"With _this_." He spun me suddenly and caught my back against his chest, then before I could demand to know what the hell was going on, his hand vanished between my legs.

"Ahh!" I gasped, my body spasming.

His fingers slid slowly and gently between my nether lips, and he murmured against my ear, "You're so wet. I'll fit nicely inside of you now. It'll be tight, but that's a good thing."

My heart faltered in my ribcage. He was already so hard against the small of my back. Softly, I groaned, "Please…now…"

"Nope." He took his hand back and pulled me under the shower once more, leaving me high and…wet. "Rinse first. I refuse to take your virginity in a hotel bathroom. That's just tacky. Besides, it'll hurt you if I take it in here. At least in bed there's more control."

It kind of pissed me off that he was making me wait now that I had gotten over my aversion. "You suck," I grumbled, scrubbing the shampoo out of my hair as quickly as I could.

"I don't know whether to be happy that you've finally admitted to wanting me, or to be offended that you're so rude to a _god_ who is willing to sacrifice everything to be with you."

I grabbed a washcloth and started scrubbing, making sure to wash every crevice; then threw the towel at his face in spite. "Hurry up, or I'll leave you to take care of Junior all by your lonesome."

He pulled the cloth off his head and sighed. "Get a few dark towels off the shelf. You're right—you're still on your cycle, and bloodstains on the bedspread would be a pain to explain to the innkeeper."

"Oh…okay, then."

I got out of the shower and took about seven dark-colored towels off the cubbies, then dried myself off as well as I could and sat on the toilet lid to wait for Kon. Amazingly, I wasn't as scared as before. I just wanted to be with him now, rather than keep pushing him away. I had trusted him with my life—and now I wanted to trust him with my body. I loved how he made me feel, despite how irritating he could be. Just thinking about him made me ache.

I frowned slightly at that realization, and glanced up at the curtain. "Hey, Kon…"

"Yes?" I could hear him shut the water off, before sweeping the curtain aside and stepping out to take the towel I offered. "What is it?" he asked, toweling off his face and hair, and then drying off and wrapping the towel around his waist.

I waited for him to finish, just watching and enjoying every moment, then when he was done I took his hand to get his attention. "Hey, I was wondering. What does love feel like?"

He paused to stare at me, frowning in thought, then replied slowly, "It's…it's like a pain that makes you happy. It hurts, but it's a good hurt…do you understand or was that too convoluted?"

"Huh…" I smiled a little. "That's kind of poetic."

"Er, I suppose. Why do you ask?"

"Because I wanted to be sure."

His eyes narrowed slightly. "Of what?"

I stood and reached up to hold his face lightly between my hands. "You're a sweet person, Kon. You're the only one who can tolerate my behavior no matter how bad it gets, and you never stopped trying to be there for me. I like that. It makes me feel good, but it also hurts. Here." I tapped my fist against my chest.

"So…what are you trying to say?" he asked.

I shrugged and smiled a little. "You said you love me, and apparently, it's mutual."

His eyes went wide, then grew softer as he gently took my hands and bent down, kissing me sweetly. "You're the most precious thing in the world to me," he sighed.

"You're my favorite person ever," I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tight. "I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass."

He chuckled, "Well, I'm about to become a pain in _your_ ass—or thereabouts—so no hard feelings okay?"

I grinned and let go, picking up the towels and nodding to the door. "Okay, but you'd better not disappoint me."

"That's impossible. I'm too good," he responded, grabbing the key to open the door and let us out into the cooler air of his dark room.

I sighed, "Cocky bastard…you're lucky I love you."

He just laughed, "I know. Yea Zeus, do I know how lucky that is…"

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(Eris and Lirin)**_

"_HOLY CRAP! MY EYES!" Lirin shrieked, diving across the room and sliding to a stop under the bed. "I didn't see that! I DIDN'T SEE THAT!"_

"_See what?!" demanded Eris, looking up from her notes at the potion desk. She frowned at the little girl, huddled under the bed and hugging herself as though having a seizure, then turned to the crystal and nearly set the notes on fire with sheer anger. "That wretched mortal! How dare she put her hands on a god like that?! She loves him? Hah! Don't be ridiculous."_

_In a fit of rage, she chucked her cloak through the air and covered the crystal. "Lirin! Get out from under there! You may not look at the crystal anymore. This is the end of it! I'm going to kill that little girl before this gets anymore absurd."_

_At those words, Lirin looked up and crawled out of her hiding spot. "Hey! You can't kill Lydia! She's my friend! Give it up already! Just 'cause Kon doesn't wanna listen to you doesn't mean you gotta take it out on her! Isn't he old enough to do what he wants anyway?"_

_She snorted, "Don't make me laugh. That boy is little more than a pawn for the higher gods. Now that he is straying from the path we have set for him, there is no longer any reason to keep him around. Even less do we need that girl. Equivalent or not, her presence is unnecessary. If I kill her, then Chaos will also die. That way, I'll be rid of two irritants."_

"_You can't do that!" the Princess argued. "Cantcha just let them go?"_

"_No." The goddess went to her closet and rummaged through, before pulling out a vial of radioactively glowing, purple liquid. "This should do it. Don't touch anything while I'm gone, and don't bother with the closet. It's locked."_

"_Wait, Miss Eris!" Lirin shouted, but before she could get off the floor, the goddess had disappeared yet again. "Dammit!' she exclaimed. "Grrrrgh! Somebody __**do**__ something down there!"_

_It sure sucked to be trapped in a small room an entire dimension away from where all the action was._ ……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(The God of War gets Pwned)**_

"_In here," Hermes muttered, glancing around nervously before backing away from the massive, white marble door. "You go ahead on in. I'm not really supposed to come within twelve kilometers of this place."_

_Kannon's face formed a slow smile. "Why? Did you make him mad?"_

_The messenger god winced, then gave an anxious laugh, "Well, you see, I invited Loki over for a party I was throwing, and he started hitting on Aphrodite. Well, Aries and Aphrodite are tight, you know? So when __**he**__ found out, he kicked Loki out, crashed the party, and threatened to throw me into the River Phlegethon—that's the fiery, lava-filled one, by the way. Then Aphrodite's husband Vulcan got involved…I've been banned ever since."_

_The goddess frowned, then pouted slightly. "Why can't exciting things like that happen in The Heavens, huh? Jiroshin! Make a note to invite this Loki god over to our realm." She snapped her fingers, and Jiroshin grimaced slightly._

"_Merciful Goddess, I don't think…"_

"_I didn't say think, I said make a note."_

_He sighed, "Yes, Merciful Goddess."_

_She nodded and turned back to Hermes. "Okay, then. Which one is he? What does he look like?"_

"_Er…about yea tall, with scary eyes, and he never smiles. That's Aries. Be careful now!" Before any more questions could be asked, he made a break for it, more intent on saving his own ass than protecting the asses of others._

"_Cute boy," Kannon murmured in amusement, pushing the doors open without difficulty and stepping through the portal with a commanding air._

_Beyond the doors lay a grand hall, carved from the same magnificent marble and styled in the earliest of classical designs. There were dozens of doors lining both sides of the hall, just behind the immense golden columns. _

"_Which one?"_

"_Erhem, may I help you?" inquired a sycophantic voice from below._

_Kannon looked down and discovered a nondescript old man in a high-end toga. "Where's Aries," she asked without hesitation._

"_Do you have an appointment, miss?"_

_MISS?!_

"_I beg your pardon, but I am the Merciful Goddess."_

_He squinted as though she were a wayward escaped mental patient, noting in passing that he could see right through her top. "Uh-huh. Do you have an appointment?"_

_She frowned, disliking the thought that her clout was moot in this dimension. However, after some consideration, she smiled brightly and replied with certainty, "Yes."_

_The old man's grizzled face crinkled up in a smile. "Well, then! Come this way please."_

_She smirked. Too easy._

_They walked for what felt like an eternity, and just as the goddess was about to make a complaint, the old man stopped before a door like all the others and opened it. "Right here. Master Aries is doing paperwork, so he may enjoy a break."_

_Like Hermes, he left them at the door, and Kannon and Jiroshin entered what was either a barbarian's training hall or a lawyer's office. It was the only way she could think to describe the array of vicious weaponry displayed amongst walls and walls of thick rolled scrolls. It seemed appropriate for a war god._

_The god in question was the only other person in the room: an amply muscled, yet youthful man in a bright red tunic, who sat behind a gargantuan, black marble desk._

_He heard the intrusion, and looked up with smoldering gray eyes. "Who the hell are you?"_

_What a polite young lad. Well, it seemed the direct approach was the way to go._

"_I am Kanzeon Bosatsu, from the next realm over, in Shangri-La," Kannon replied without missing a beat. "I'm here to ask you about your son."_

_He frowned. "Both Romulus and Remus are dead, and what do you want with either of them, anyway?"_

"_Not them," she sighed, somewhat irritated that even his own father seemed to be forgetting poor Konran. "I want to ask you about Chaos, your son with Eris. He's in a bit of trouble. His mother is trying to kill Chaos and my kitten, Lydia. I'd like to solicit your assistance in stopping her."_

_The god's eye twitched. "Chaos, eh? What did that boy do __**this**__ time? It's not the nymphs again, is it? It's bad enough that we had to pin the laurel tree incident on Apollo—he won't even speak to me anymore because of it. Chaos isn't even allowed on Olympus after all the insane thoughts my sister put into his head."_

_Nymphs? Laurel tree incident?_

"_Uh, no. Actually it's about his equivalent and his mother—that's about all." She nodded, certain that that was the whole problem on Konran's end._

"_Oh…what does that have to do with me? One bad decision and it haunts me for the rest of eternity?" he demanded. "It was Bacchus' fault for spiking the punch."_

"_Look," she interrupted, leaning both hands on the desk and frowning at the god, "I'm not here to investigate your history—I just want you to move some pawns and stop Eris from screwing up my realm. I've got enough trouble keeping my own people in line, so I don't need more trouble from the gods over here. Chaos is trying to help fix things, and he can't if his equivalent is being brainwashed by his mother."_

_Aries folded his arms across his broad chest and gave her a patronizing look. "So the real problem is that you can't handle your own realm, is it?"_

_That was the last straw._

"_Jiroshin! Bring me my cell!"_

"_Yes, Merciful Goddess," he responded listlessly, handing over the little phone._

_Kannon speed-dialed her temple and a sobbing voice picked up. "Yeah? Kannon's place, who is this?"_

"_It's me. Please explain to Aries that Konran's mother is about to kill her own son and his equivalent." She handed the phone to the god, who took it uncertainly._

"_Hello?"_

_There was a fury of sobbing and screaming on the other end, and he actually blanched, holding the device away from his ear until the screaming subsided, then replying in surprise, "Aphrodite? What are you doing over there?"_

_More screaming._

"_But I don't see why I should…"_

_Even more—hysterical—screaming._

"_Okay, okay! I'll see what I can do!"_

_Sobbing. Happy sobbing and angry sobbing._

"_Yeah. Uh-huh…I know…water the plants, right. No, Psyche is not usurping your throne. Cupid's still keeping her busy. Okay? Yeah, bye."_

_He handed it back with a winded look and Kannon picked up, "Hey, Venus, you still there?"_

"_SHE SAID IT! THE CLONE ALMOST RUINED IT, BUT LYDIA SAID IT! SHE SAID LOVES HIM!" squealed the Goddess of Love._

_Kannon grinned, not surprised in the least. "I know. We all did. I'll see you later, and don't leave the temple or the Jade Emperor will have my head."_

"_How can I leave?! I have to watch!"_

"_Spoken like a true voyeur. See you in a bit."_

_She hung up and gave the disgruntled God of War a self-satisfied smile. "I see that you have been persuaded. Please make sure Eris doesn't harm Chaos or my kitten, or __**I'll**__ make sure Venus never gives you another moment's peace."_

_That seemed to scare him out of his mind, and he nodded dumbly._

"_Excellent! I'll be watching." With a conniving chuckle, she and Jiroshin let themselves out to go check up on the viewing pond. _

_Ah, it felt good to manipulate people. _

……………………………………………………………………………………

**(The Bedroom—Rated MATURE, like XXX MATURE…**_**seriously**_** MATURE, people. Don't say I didn't warn you! XP)**

Kon certainly wasn't one to waste time. Once out of the bathroom, he made a beeline for the bed and stripped the top-sheet and comforter off, replacing them with several of the giant, dark green towels. Was it just me or did he enjoy stripping clothing off of things?

"What should I do with this, then?" I asked, pointing to the pile of discarded bedclothes.

"Leave it." He whipped the towel off his hips and tossed it carelessly aside. "Get on the bed."

I frowned at his gruff response. "What's wrong?"

He shot me a wily smirk, stepped over, and swept my legs out from under me, carrying me to the bed and laying me down before sitting at my side. "Nothing is wrong," he murmured, slipping an arm around my waist and tracing his fingertips down my spine. His other hand came up and tilted my face up for a gentle kiss. "I've just been waiting a very, VERY long time for this night."

"Oh." I frowned, feeling a little guilty. "Well, then don't hesitate now. There's no telling when I'll chicken out."

He chuckled. "No matter what you might say aloud, I still won't stop. You're never this warm."

"You keep me warm," I replied matter-of-factly.

"My _intention_ is to make you _hot_." He chuckled when my eyes widened, and let go of my jaw to trail his hand down the front of my body, sparking an electric sensation through my skin. "Don't worry. I already promised to be gentle."

"Wait, shouldn't we use some kind of protection?" I panted, grabbing his wrist before his hand could take my ability to think.

"No need. It'll all come back out with your menses, and anyway, I took precautions against that sort of thing a long time ago."

"Eh?"

"A vasectomy. You'll be fine." He grinned as though he thought himself brilliant.

I let go, relieved—and slightly astonished. He had planned this out so thoroughly. "Okay, then give me all you've got."

He turned his body so that his waist was between my knees, and slid his hand home. "Naturally."

I gasped and grit my teeth, holding in a cry. Instinctively, my back bowed forward and my fingers gripped his shoulders while my body convulsed, pulling him closer so that I could take his lips. My skin felt hot and heavy, but every time he nipped my tongue or brushed a finger across that one particular spot, a cold sweat rippled over me, making my hips rise to meet him.

"Please, Kon, please," I groaned when his kisses left my mouth to venture down my throat and shoulder.

His thumb found that special place and massaged it in slow circles. "Beg me a little more," he murmured against my skin. "Want me as much as I want you, so much that it hurts."

"Ahh! Please don't make me wait!" I gasped, unintentionally digging my nails into his flesh and scratching his smooth chest when he propped me up to lie back against the stack of pillows.

"Just a little more. I don't want to hurt you more than I have to." His mouth worked its way further and further down, until he found my breast and licked under the curve.

The hot touch forced a groan from my lungs, and in seeming response he went a little higher and took the nipple between his teeth, teasing it with his tongue until every muscle in my body went taut. I panted in heat when his lips closed around it and suckled, brushing my hands up his neck and cradling his head against me, gripping his hair tight and arching into the sensation of both his hand and mouth on my body. "Ohhh, wow…Kon…" I sighed.

"That's it, now _I_ can't wait," he muttered, stopping suddenly and pulling away.

I released his hair and dropped my arms, trembling at the ghost of the feeling and breathing hard as though I'd just run a mile. "Now way it can get better than that…" I denied, shaking my head. "There's no way."

He laughed, "Oh? Just you watch." After wiping his hand on the towels, he helped me sit up higher on the pillows, and knelt between my thighs, before bringing his arms under my knees and gripping my hips firmly. "Seriously, I want you to watch," he said, catching my gaze. There was something new and dark in his glowing eyes, and it made the air around me seem too dense to breathe.

"How much will it hurt?" I asked, starting to feel an edge of worry.

"It'll probably hurt a little bit when I go in this first time. Possibly more, thanks to my…uh, _gifted_ status." When I just stared, he smiled a little and leaned down, kissing the jagged white scar across my abdomen and making me sigh. "It's my fault that you have these scars. In comparison, taking your virginity won't hurt nearly as much as what I've done to you before." He came back up and gave my hips a gentle squeeze. "Actually, this should make up for some of that pain, so don't worry."

The fear subsided, and I frowned in apology. "Please be gentle."

"Of course I will. Now…ask for it."

Eagerly, I reached up and hooked my hand on the back of his neck, drawing him to me for a kiss, then whispering against his lips, "Make love to me. Please, Chaos."

His gaze was so heavy I could almost feel it glide down my skin. "Lie down and relax."

I fell back against the pillows, gripping the towels beneath me in anticipation as I watched him lean in and slide his impressive length across the slick wetness between my legs. That alone made my breath catch and my toes curl, but when he lined up and slowly pushed his head into me, everything else stopped mattering, other than that image and that feeling.

"Deeper," I heard myself whisper.

He obeyed, and pushed a little more, stretching me wide open. There was some pressure, then a sharp pain that made me yelp, and suddenly the rest of him slipped far into my body in one smooth, jarring stroke.

"Ahhh!" It surprised me how right it felt despite the pain, as though I'd been waiting my entire life for him to fill me up like this.

"Are you okay?" he asked quickly, freezing in case he had hurt me.

"Don't stop!" I cried, grabbing his shoulders to pull myself up into his lap, and moaning when he moved his arms to hold my waist and let me take the rest of him in more slowly. He met my limit, but he couldn't possibly have gone any deeper. He was perfect for me.

"Ahhh, that's nice," he sighed, cradling me against his chest as I wrapped my legs around him. "However, I want you on your back."

In a blink, I found myself reclined against the pillows with him taking hold of my calves and spreading my legs further apart. But before I could argue about positioning, he drew himself out completely, making me moan, then pushed back in and began thrusting rhythmically into me, tearing various sounds of pleasure from my throat.

That was the end of any argument I may have had.

"Harder," I groaned, clinging to his body and kissing his powder-smooth chest. "Sweet sanity…I love you…don't ever leave me…"

He changed his angle slightly and raised one of my legs to his shoulder, then got the other up, forcing me back again. "I'll be with you for the rest of your life, no matter how old and wizened you get," he breathed, propping his hands on either side of my chest and giving me a remarkably sweet smile.

I moaned, my legs tensing and drawing him closer, then snapped while I still could, "Don't put images like that into my head! You're ruining the—ah!"

He cut me off before I could finish by simply letting one of my legs fall and bending the other one closer to my body. His one hand gripped my calf while the other slid around my back, positioning us so that he could kiss me while we made love.

Which was all well and good, but I kept having to pull away and catch my breath. It was getting harder to maintain focus, and my temperature seemed to be rising higher and higher.

"What's happening?!" I gasped, clutching his shoulders tightly. My body had left with me in the back seat, hanging on for dear life.

"You're…probably close," he groaned, kissing my neck and making it even harder to breathe.

"To what?!"

He kisses paused, and he raised his head to look in my eyes, frowning. "Uh, _orgasm_?" he breathed, as though I'd just asked him the color of the sky.

"Oh."

"Yeah, _oh!_"

"I—ahh!—knew that!"

He rolled his eyes, smiling as though he thought my ignorance was simply adorable. "Of course you did, Princess. Now hush while I bring you. You'll enjoy it more."

Figuring that I had thoroughly proven myself an idiot, I shut up and sank back into the feel of him, so thick and deep inside of me. It was like a hot, rising tide, giving me just enough stamina to raise my hips to meet his thrusts and keep them up while my back arched back against the pillows.

More, deeper, faster…he wasn't making complete strokes anymore, instead pulling out just enough to shove back in again and again, until the tide was too much. Without the slightest warning, the tide spilled through me like a devastating wave.

I cried out breathlessly as my body convulsed, moaning when he didn't stop. He drew the sensation out for what felt like forever, making it grow and crest over and over again as though he knew exactly what I needed, until at last he let out a ragged groan and shoved hard one last time. He held himself frozen deep inside of me as I felt something hot coming into my body. So hot…

My legs and back tightened at the marvelous heat while my abdomen spasmed over and over. "Oooh, that's…_good_," I panted, shocked at the sheer ecstasy.

After a few long seconds he finally relaxed, easing the pressure and setting my leg free. "Do you want me to come out now or can I stay for a little while and enjoy this?" he sighed, rolling us both over so that I was lying on top of him, still gasping as he rested against the pillows, breathing hard.

All I really wanted to do was cuddle. Odd, but I certainly didn't have the strength to get up. I shook my head languidly, nuzzling the soft skin of his chest. "Stay right where you are. I like this too much. Lets do it again sometime."

With a small chuckle, he slipped his fingers into my hair and kissed my forehead, then my lips. "Oh, we will. I'll give you a few minutes to rest first, though. Let's do it with the lights on, next."

"_A few minutes?!" _I gaped at him in disbelief, but he just grinned and kissed me again.

Greedy, cocky, loveable bastard…I let it go.

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(Next Door—1 AM)**_

"_Well, I'm beat," Gojyo sighed, downing the rest of his beer and stubbing out his Hi-Lite. "Hey, monkey! We should go back to our room and give Hakkai a break for once!" he shouted so that the boy could hear him over the headphones._

_Goku looked up from the Game Boy Color he had borrowed from Yumoa, and gave the kappa a disgruntled frown. "But I'm in the middle of a battle! Gimme a minute…" Without waiting for an okay—he had never felt that Gojyo had that kind of authority over him, after all—he submerged himself back into the battle with Bug Catcher, cursing the other trainer when Wheedle pwned Goku's Bulbasaur without difficulty._

_The water sprite leered at the boy in irritation. "Son of a…Yumoa, what are you filling his monkey brain with __**now**__?!"_

_Comedy opened one eye from his puppy-like resting position on the other bed, and gave a loud, dramatic yawn before responding simply, "Pokémon. It's cool. Conform." He then rolled over, wiggled a bit to get comfortable, and fell still once more._

_Gojyo was pretty sure that the god's answer hadn't made any sense at all, but in the end he gave up trying to figure out whether or not it did. That whack-job never made sense anyway._

_The room had been quieter since Dokugakuji and Yaone had turned in for the night. They had given up on poker and mahjong, since every game went to either Yaone or Hakkai. Plus, there was only so much they could speculate about Kougaiji's involvement with Eris. Likewise, Seimei had gotten tired of the company early on, and left to "find a lady-friend' to cheer himself up. _

_This had brought on another round of discussion between Goku and Hakkai over whether or not the clone had some of Gojyo's DNA. However, after the kappa in question threatened to throw all their new groceries in the street if they didn't shut up, Goku wisely decided that food was more important than poking at the redhead's insecurities. That was when Yumoa had loaned him the headphones and the Game Boy. The monkey had been playing this "Pokémon" thing ever since._

"_At least it seems that Lydia and Konran are getting along," Hakkai put forward with a smirk._

"_I noticed. It's a good thing Goku put the headphones on before it started getting' loud over there. It's been what? Two __**hours**__? Shit, I'm starting to feel jealous." He frowned at his empty can. "Think it's too late to pick up a good one?"_

_Hakkai's eyes narrowed the tiniest bit—imperceptible to most, but blatantly obvious to the kappa. "Yes."_

_Gojyo laughed nervously and waved his hand in front of his face. "It was a joke! I'm actually planning to go straight to bed once the ape decides to wake up from whatever the hell kind of hypnosis that game is putting on him."_

"_I see. Well, then take him now. It's late. He can play before lights out."_

_Gojyo didn't wait to be told twice. "Okay, time for bed!" he announced, getting up and poking the monkey with his foot. "Get up. You can play the game in our room."_

"_Grr. Fine," he muttered, unfolding his legs and getting off the floor, trailing absently behind the kappa as he left the room._

"'_Night, Hakkai."_

"_Goodnight, Gojyo."_

_Once they had left, Hakkai sighed and removed his monocle to massage his bad eye. "Yumoa, could I please have my bed back? I'm exhausted."_

_The god looked over his shoulder in interest, then sat up and hopped to his feet. Rubbing his eyes with his fists and yawning, "I'mma go to bed, too. G'night."_

"_Sleep well," the ex-human bade as the god ambled half-asleep out the door._

_The room was much more peaceful when the only other occupant was a sleeping monk. Hakkai changed into his nightclothes and set his monocle and a glass of water on his nightstand, then got under the covers and closed his eyes. He was glad that things between Lydia and Konran had been patched up, but he also knew there was still a lot of work ahead. This whole ordeal hadn't been much more than a distraction in the grand scheme of things. Beyond it, there was a much more pressing matter to be addressed._

_Chuckling doubtfully to himself while he drifted off, he wondered whether tomorrow might be devoid of unpleasant surprises. He certainly would have liked a vacation._

……………………………………………………………………………………

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I keep writing long chapters…I think it's because this is the third one I've written since my last post. My dad stole the internet, so I've been bored, and I only work part-time at the craft store—not nearly as stressful as Taco Hell._

_Well, there you have it. Citrus goodness. Kon's such a dirty-minded person, and Lydia's so not. They're perfect for each other! Now I can get back to the main plot. Tell me what you think of Kon's daddy and the lemon!_

_Oh, and I won't be posting for a while. The lack of reviews for the last two chapters left me with Writers' Block of epic proportions. I don't know what the hell I'm doing... I'm convinced that at this point you all hate me. Seriously. I use reviews as inspiration, and without your input, I'm pretty much screwed…_TT—TT

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	17. Intermission: Crap What Just Happens

**The Sequel: Chapter XVII (PG-13, Just the way I like it!)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Last chappie sure was loooong. I'm so bad at keeping things short. This one's long, too, but just because I've been dead to the world for some time. _

_Anyway, Sanzo wakes up! I always have fun with him when he's conscious. XD The serious stuff is OVER! (mostly) Enjoy some good ol' fashioned comedy. You deserve it for tolerating my abusive nature._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Don't make me come out there and force-feed you ham!"—Mike Rowe, to a monkey_

"_You think you can stop me with your stuff that you do?!"—Giant Dust Mite, SQUEE!! vol. 2_

"_Alien 1: 'Umm…I forgot to bring the sleeper-ray.' Alien 2: 'But…the adults! How are they being restrained?' A1: 'Well…I kept striking their heads until they were sleepy.' A2: 'OH DEAR GOD!'"—The Aliens, SQUEE!! vol.1_

"_**NOOOOOO!!!** I've lost the respect of this impolite Special Ed student!! _I have no valid reason to live!!_ (Thank you, Lord, for sarcasm.)"—Jhonen Vasquez, "Meanwhile…Somewhere Not in a Human Colon", SQUEE!! compilation_

* * *

_**Intermission: Crap What Just Happens**_

_**(Rise of the Surly Sanzo)**_

_When the monk finally opened his eyes, he had the unsettling feeling that something heinous had happened—something which would only serve to aggravate the stabbing pain behind his eyes. He felt nauseous. Hangovers were rarely pleasant, but this one occupied all circles of Hell and back._

"_Shiiiiit…" he groaned, covering his face with one hand and gripping his dense golden fringe. _

"_Shit is right. Are you trying to inconvenience us on purpose or are you just naturally this frustrating?" muttered the water sprite, who was having tea with Hakkai at the breakfast table. Goku was still sleeping—tossing and turning every few minutes like a puppy having a dream. It had been nice and quiet until the monk's decision to rise and sour the atmosphere._

"_Get the fuck out of my room or I'll kill you," responded the aforementioned monk, forcing himself up and sitting back against the window to breathe and push back the nausea._

"_Now, now," chided the only smiling person in the room—which wasn't saying much, since Hakkai spent ninety percent of his time smiling anyway. "You're in no shape to be shooting people."_

_He gave the one-eyed bastard a searing glare. "Coffee. I need coffee."_

_With a pleasant smile he replied simply, "Get it yourself."_

_Sanzo blinked, somewhat surprised, but in too much pain to be surprised for very long. Pissed-off and determined to make the man eat his own words, he slowly got to his feet and shuffled to the counter, grabbing a large ramen bowl from an open cupboard and filling it to the rim with the dark liquid. He then proceeded to take a seat at the table and downed it all in one go._

_Gojyo sweatdropped. "Er, maybe you shouldn't drink it so fast. You might get…"_

"_**Hic!**__"_

_Dead silence._

_Gojyo wanted to laugh. So much so that holding it in was more difficult than holding in explosive diarrhea. His face hurt from suppressing his grin. No! It was too much!_

_He lost control. "Pfffft! Ha-ha-HAH! You __**dumbass!**__ That's what you get for—!"_

_**BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!**_

_The shots were fired so close to his head that three locks of hair floated to the floor._

"_Shut your fucking—__**hic!—**__face or I'll—__**hic!**__—kill you!" the monk growled between hiccups, which pissed him off even more because one, it was hard to take a hiccuped death threat seriously, regardless of who had issued it; and two, every hiccup only worsened his migraine. _

_It was going to be a bad day—hopefully it didn't get any worse than this. (A/N: With me in charge, that's a hell of a lot to hope for…)_

_The kappa's mouth twitched, trying not to smile. "I'm gonna go get some food!" he declared suddenly, realizing that there was no way in hell that he could maintain his composure with a compromised Sanzo. He was out the door before anyone could respond._

"_**Hic!**__—Jackass…" muttered Sanzo, getting up to refill his bowl._

* * *

**(Morning After)**

The first thing I saw when I woke up was the sun. It was really, _really_ bright. Blinding, even. I winced and flinched away, then gasped in pain and spasmed into a tight lump of ache. My entire body hurt! I felt like I'd been run over multiple times by an angry semi, then had maple syrup poured on me by a spiteful toddler.

Why?! Why did I hurt this much?!

Cringing and groaning and screwing my eyes up tight, I rolled away from the sun and felt my arm land on something warm and soft.

I flinched again, then seized at the stabs of pain, and finally looked to see what else was on my bed, breathing as slowly as I could to minimize the tight muscle aches.

Kon? Why wasn't he wearing a shirt…? Or…pants…?

And then I remembered everything, as though it were a brick flying through the air, whapping me in the head with all the force it could muster. I suppressed the urge to scream, instead peering around me with shell-shocked eyes at the strewn towels and smears of blood all down my thighs and belly. I looked like a crime scene, and after glancing down at the god, it was more than apparent who the culprit had been. It appeared as if he'd beaten me half to death—and sure as hell _felt _like that was the case.

"Oh, my god…" I groaned, slapping a hand over my eyes and wondering how the hell I could forget such an earth-shattering night.

Eight times. I'd finally fallen asleep in Kon's arms at around three in the morning, but prior to that, he'd ravaged me in as many ways as I could take before my body gave out and dragged me into unconsciousness. That was a hell of a lot of sex for a noob on her cycle.

Movement at my side, and suddenly a pair of arms twined around me, pulling their owner over and on top of me. My hand fell away and I found myself staring into the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen on a man.

"You called?" murmured the God of Chaos, dipping his head down and running his lips along my neck, where I was certain I had several incriminating—and sore, because his teeth were damn sharp—love bites.

Tentatively, I reached up and slid my hands up his chest. Yeah, I remembered touching him like this. I even remembered clinging like a limpet to his body as he…

"Ugh…" I muttered, moving a hand over to grip his amazing hair. "It hurts…what the hell did you _do_ to me?"

"I think the more accurate question is, 'What the hell _didn't_ I do to you?'" he replied, nibbling my ear and making me tighten all over.

I remembered this, too, how he could sweep away all my free will and make me simply _want_ him. It somehow replaced the pain in my body with a dull ache in my chest. "Kon…"

"I love you," he whispered as his hands glided up my back, turning his head to kiss me tenderly.

"Mmmmnnn…"

He drew away and stared down at me. "Come again?"

"I love you, too," I repeated, "but I'm in no shape for any more. Please, seriously, I'm beat. Plus, there's blood all over the place. It's not exactly good for the mood."

At least he looked repentant, seeming to realize that in just one night he'd put me through about a year's worth of experience. "Ah…I'm sorry…"

"Sorry isn't going to make my legs grow back their bones, now, is it?" I replied tersely. "I need a bath."

With a creaking groan, I sat up, and he obligingly let me go, kneeling on the bed with his hands in his lap, clearly realizing that my pride was at stake and giving me the opportunity to save it. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, set my feet on the sun-warmed floorboards…and toppled over onto my ass the moment I put my weight on them.

Well…so much for my pride…

"Lydia! Are you all right?!" Like a cat he slid off the bed and crouched beside me, his hand hovering over my arm in uncertainty. It pissed me off to no end that he could move like this after a night like that.

"You _ass-hat!_" I snapped, grabbing his hair and yanking him to meet my glare, which he bore with the usual resignation. "Do you not know the meaning of restraint?! Was it really necessary to teach me the _entire_ Kama Sutra in less than four hours?! I'm just a—_was_ a _virgin!_" At that thought, I felt light-headed all of a sudden, and let go of him, dropping my hand to the floor as the realization hit me.

I, Lydia, one of the most sexually disinclined people to ever grace the face of the Earth, had gotten laid…and by a _god_, no less. A god who was in love with me…and whom I loved in return…

"Awwww, crap. I'm having a nightmare, right? Or maybe my brain's fried…yeah…brain fries…_that's_ the problem." I stared off into space, certain that my blood-sugar levels were going screwy. That was why I was having this nightmare, and that was why I felt like a murder victim.

He gave me a confused, slightly annoyed frown. "Excuse me? Nightmare? Brain fries? As I recall, you were crying 'again' and 'more' and 'harder, Kon, harder' every time. If that was a nightmare, then what the hell constitutes a _dream_ by your definition?!"

I scrubbed my face with my hands in frustration. "Yeah, okay, but do I know what the hell I'm doing? A resounding _no_. You, on the contrary, _do_. If you wanna teach me things, fine, but set a limit!"

He frowned. "Look. I apologize. I apologize a thousand times over for getting caught up in the greatest night of my eternal life, but don't tell me you didn't like it."

"That's not what I'm saying! I loved every minute! I'm just saying that at the moment I can't even stand up, and it's pissing me off that I can handle a gang war, yet one night with you has utterly wiped me out. That's all!" Why were we arguing? I didn't want to argue. I wanted a bath. I was covered in blood and other things I had no names for, and I felt sticky and dirty, and I had no idea why anyone would want to kiss someone as sticky and dirty as I was.

Konran sighed, then gently brought his arms under my knees and around my shoulders, lifting me up and carrying me to the bathroom. "We'll bathe together. I swear not to do anything else until you feel up to it."

Disgruntled, I frowned and tried to fold my arms, but then my chest hurt, so I gave up and left an arm in my lap while I hooked the other around his neck. "…Hey, Kon…"

"Mmm?" He brought me in and let me sit on the toilet lid while he prepared the water.

I turned away and stared at the floor. "Thanks…for not hating me like you should. I'm such an ass to you…"

"Don't be silly. I can't hate you," he replied shortly. "I love you too much. Some twist of irony and fate made you positively irresistible to me…not that I'm complaining. It was probably my fault for designing you to be that way."

"_Designing?_ What does _that_ mean?" I asked, letting him help me up and into the hot, soothing water of the tub.

He climbed in as well and drew me into his embrace, replying with a sigh, "Equivalents are _chosen_ by their respective gods or goddesses. There's a catalogue of all the different physical attributes we could want, and I created your blueprint, which was then sent to the womb of a random mother-to-be. That's why your hair is black, but both of your parents had brown hair. It's also why you're a bit on the short side."

"What?!" I cried, too surprised for any other reaction. "I'm not real? I'm a blueprint?! Is that why I'm so screwed in the head? Wait a minute…_you made me short __**on purpose?!**_" Shock. Rage. Despair.

"Eh? Oh, no!" he chuckled, tightening his hold and kissing my temple. "I had no say in your personality. Only your physical template was my decision. What you do to modify it and how your personality develops have nothing to do with me. It was pure coincidence that those parts of you appeal to me as much as the physical…and I like you short. It's cute."

I frowned, deciding to let the "cute" remark slide. "You mean you _like_ my propensity for abuse? Are you a masochist or something?"

He shrugged. "I find emotionally deviant, intelligent, and violent women attractive. You epitomize all of this, which is why you drive me crazy. I suppose that _is _a bit masochistic, though." He pouted in thought, making him look damn near irresistible.

"So…every time I kicked your ass, it only made you want me more?" I pressed, grasping at straws to maintain my dignity.

"Basically. Plus, you're adorable, especially when you're angry."

Huh? That just didn't make sense. I gave him an appropriately baffled frown. "Dude, I'm covered in freaky scars. I've scared small children with the one on my right arm alone, and don't even get me started on the one on my stomach. Every time I look at it in the mirror, I'm forced to realize how fragile the human body really is, and how easily my insides could have become my outsides. How is that adorable?"

"I don't care about all that. I just like how easily you fit in my lap when I hold you, and how determined you are to conquer every obstacle in your path, and just your general attitude towards the concept of life. I'm immortal, but watching you makes me feel humble about it. Being immortal doesn't make me any better than you, and neither does being a god. I need you, and that's about as ungodly as it gets. No wonder my mother is so angry."

"She might kill you because of me," I murmured, the pain starting to go numb while the hot water dissolved the blood and other things from my skin and his. It turned the water dark pink, there was so much. I was almost surprised that I was still alive.

"No, she won't," he responded adamantly.

I looked up at him. "How can you sound so certain?"

He frowned at my shoulder, then removed one arm from my waist and slid his hand up my neck until he traced his fingertips along my jaw line and chin, letting his eyes follow to mine. "I'm not leaving you alone. I don't want to, so I won't. I'm not letting anyone separate us."

I waited until he finally caught my gaze, then smiled. "Good. I'd like to spend more nights with you. Were you serious about the whole marriage thing?"

After a brief hesitation, he sighed, smiling sweetly. "I wouldn't have said it if I hadn't meant it. Honestly, we've been living together for a long time, and I don't intend on changing that. I would love to make you officially mine."

"Huh…sure, then," I said after a thought. "I guess I'd miss you too much if you left, anyway."

This answer was clearly not the one he had been expecting. "J-just like that? '_Sure_?' Damn…I honestly believed I would have to argue with you about it."

"Nah, we can argue about more trivial things. Those are more fun." I grinned and nuzzled his throat, kissing his skin before turning to kiss his lips. "Besides, marrying you means I don't have to go easy on you if I have to kick your ass for looking at another girl."

That made him smirk. "See? _You're_ the one who can't say no."

"Shut up and kiss me, ass-hat, and if you so much as look at the clone for more than a second at a time, I'll shatter every bone in your body. EVERY bone."

"Of course, _Mistress_," he laughed, kissing me and making me forget what the hell I had been saying.

* * *

_**(More Meddling)**_

_The clone was still unconscious. Kougaiji had talked to the innkeeper at breakfast, asking about the previous night's incident and pretending not to know the strange foreign girl. She was apparently under close observation, by orders of the village physician, so checking to see if she had completed her mission was out of the question. Neither of his two companions had mentioned anything at all concerning Lydia and Konran before going off to do some sightseeing, so he could only assume that nothing had changed._

_All the worry over his sister made him tense, and after spending far too much time pacing and thinking, he finally decided that a nice shower would ease his nerves. It was better than pacing, at least._

_He got all his clothes ready and found the toiletries in the bag Yaone had packed for the three of them, then with a towel cinched around his waist, he swept the curtain aside._

"_Take this and put it in the girl's food," Eris commanded, appearing out of thin air before the Youkai Prince as he was about to remove his towel and get in the shower._

_He gave a violent start and leapt back, slamming against the door and cursing profusely as he glared up at the goddess, who was standing right behind the curtain, in the bathtub. "What the hell is this?!" he demanded, trying hard not to hyperventilate. Were gods always this ridiculous or was her branch of the family tree just special?!_

_She wasn't dissuaded in the least, and rather than complying, she put on a cold scowl and stepped out of the tub. "I don't think you understand the predicament you are in," she growled, taking another step closer. "Your sister's life is at stake, and you have not been doing as I have asked. Are you even aware that my son and that mortal girl are back together? I should punish you for this failure!"_

"_Together?" he managed to repeat, frowning in uncertainty. "Then it didn't work with the clone…"_

"_Obviously. My son and his mortal have apparently had a wonderful night." The goddess reached up with one needle-nailed finger, catching the prince under the chin and forcing him to look up at her venomous glare. "Now," she said sharply, pressing her nail hard enough to break the skin. "Take this potion and put it in the girl's food or drink. It should get rid of her rather quickly, and without his equivalent, my son will be left either crippled or dead. If you fail, you will never see Lirin again, understood?" She dropped the loop of string with the potion vial around his neck._

_He glared, wishing with every fiber of his being that he could destroy her right there, but instead responded through clenched teeth, "Understood."_

_She dropped her hand and smirked, chuckling in ruthless amusement, "Good boy. Carry on now."_

_And just as instantaneously as she had appeared, she slipped away under the door like black desert sand._

_The Prince stood with his back to the door for several moments, debating whether to panic or bury his emotional reactions. However, he knew that panicking would do nothing for Lirin, so as per usual, he buried it and determined to continue with the whole shower plan. After all, he needed the stress relief twice as badly now, and it didn't seem as though Eris would let him off without the kind of major battle he couldn't get involved in._

_It was beginning to irritate him immensely that there was now a second Gyokumen Koushuu trying to run his life._

* * *

_**(The Love Doctor's Triumph—Sorta)**_

_It was just too much work to be in the same room as the corrupt monk—even more so when said corrupt monk was suffering from a hangover __**and**__ some seriously amusing hiccups. Laughter had become a deadly luxury, and with that in mind, Gojyo found that the best way to remedy the situation was to leave Sanzo's immediate presence and seek refuge elsewhere. They were still serving breakfast in the diner, and as much as he would have enjoyed Hakkai's excellent culinary creations, natural instinct was the more powerful force. He far preferred surviving the day and eating in the diner, than possibly dying for the sake of one home-cooked meal._

_He had no idea where Yumoa was—the god had vanished before anyone had woken up—but he wasn't worried in the least. Comedy had an uncanny ability to outsmart even the most intelligent of foes, which was saying a lot. Despite Yumoa's apparent idiocy, he seemed to have some sort of ulterior motive thing going on, much to the water sprite's bafflement._

_He made a mental note to ask Konran if he knew anything about what the idiot savant was planning._

_As fate would have it, while the kappa was strolling along to check if his brother and Yaone felt like coming down with him for breakfast, the door beside Sanzo's opened with a squeak. Gojyo couldn't help the automatic smirk invading his facial features. It was time for some good-natured teasing. He waited for the occupants to come out, listening all the while to their continuous, seemingly eternal oratory sparring._

"_I can walk, I said! Don't! No! No cane, you ass!"_

"_Really, I would feel much better of you took precautions! I can't have you falling and breaking your neck now, can I?"_

"_Don't underestimate me! Besides, I __**told**__you no more, but do you listen? No! You just turn on the charm and __**bam!**__ Half an hour later, I realize that I've been tricked again, and get all pissed, but then you act all repentant and I feel bad about yelling at you…and then the cycle repeats itself! It's your own damn fault if I fall and break my neck, you horndog!"_

"_I said I was sorry…"_

"_No dice! Apologize __**after **__you feed me."_

"…_Oh, I'll apologize…heh-heh…"_

"_ARGH! __**PERVERT!**__"_

"_Sure, but you love this pervert."_

"_I'll change my mind in a heartbeat if you don't knock it off!"_

"_No, you won't. You want me."_

"_I'm gonna kick your ass into the next dimension in about ten seconds, ass-hat."_

_The two verbal warriors exited the room and shut the door, and Gojyo suppressed another snicker. Lydia's steps __**did**__ seem a tad uneven, and Konran was hovering about her as though seriously afraid that she would trip and fall to her death. And were those __**hickeys**_

_Joy!_

"_Did you have fun?" the kappa inquired as they approached, fighting the urge to start laughing and laughing for the rest of his life, however short Lydia might make it._

_The girl spotted him and completely lost it. "What? __**Fun?!**__ I'm in pain! Yell at Rico Suave over here for me, would you?! He can't listen to a word I say without turning it into something dirty! I should have just killed his ass when I had the chance…" Lydia then realized that she was, in fact, complaining to __**Gojyo**__ about something she really would have preferred to keep a secret. Yeah, bad move._

_The redhead was somewhat fascinated to see that she could blush. He'd never seen her do it before—she really wasn't the type—but here she was, blushing like mad._

"_Uh…I'm just gonna go save myself now," she muttered tightly, stumbling away in attempt to preserve what meager pride she still possessed._

_Gojyo watched her head towards the stairs at the end of the hall, then gave Kon a devious grin. "She's limping, though I'm not surprised. Did you know that the walls between the rooms are kinda thin?"_

_Chaos paled even more than usual, fighting the urge to follow Lydia's line of thought and running and instead replying slowly, "No. I didn't know that. Sanzo…wasn't awake, was he?" This was an important question, seeing as how the monk was the one least likely to find any…noises…amusing._

"_Nope. He was still hammered. He's awake now, though." He glanced over to Lydia, who had paused to rest against a wall, and frowned a little. "Shit, you really did a number on that poor girl. I've never seen her that crippled. Even those zombies from before weren't that bad."_

_The god winced, feeling more than a little guilty. "Uh, yeah…she's fallen over twice since waking up, and has berated me accordingly…"_

"_**Whoa!"**_**THUMP**_"Owww…dammit, Konran! I hate you!"_

_Kon's face twitched into a nervous smile. "Er…thrice. If you'll excuse me—Lydia! Don't you __**dare**__ attempt the stairs in your condition!" Without another word, he ran off to assist his young love, who, unfortunately, would have none of it._

"_I hope you get butt cancer!" Lydia declared, swatting him away and getting to her feet with a groan._

"_Don't be absurd. God's can't get sick. Now let me help you down." He wrapped an arm around her waist without waiting for permission, pinning her close to his side, and after a brief struggle she finally gave up and grudgingly accepted his assistance._

_Gojyo couldn't help but stare in interest, marveling in the fact that Kon had indeed finally tamed the rabid girl. He needed a trophy or something for a feat like that, like a Nobel Peace Prize—the gods knew that taming Lydia was a step towards world peace. This proved that no woman was unattainable if only one knew how to go about capturing her._

_Well, it would be much more interesting to follow them, rather than miss precious moments of hilarity, so he gave up on his original plan and trailed after the new couple, smirking broadly._

_The doctor was in, indeed. Time to reap the entertainment._

* * *

_**(Bunny-God Plot)**_

"_Took you long enough to get here," Kannon muttered, sitting back in her viewing chair and smirking a little. "Looks like Konran finally got what he's been working towards for so long. It must be fate."_

_Yumoa shrugged, smiling slightly. "Nah, that's not fate. If Kon hadn't been so persistent, Lydia would never have come around. Ever. She never thinks about stuff like that. Actually, Aunt Eris might have helped a little to push her over the edge. She could never hate Kon. His role in her life is too important, though the exact role has been altered a bit now."_

"_Huh, that's good point," mused the goddess._

_Venus beamed. "That's my little Comedy! Always a step ahead of the rest."_

"_I'm still not talking to you!" he declared with the profundity of Moses announcing a commandment, pointing a damning finger her way._

_Her jaw went slack, but went unnoticed as Comedy and Kannon began throwing around various ways to get rid of Eris and the clone situation. For once, the ostentatious Goddess of Love wasn't Yumoa's favorite Auntie. _

_Somewhere in the dimensional plane, a pig took flight._

"_I still think that letting Aries take care of everything would be the better idea," mused Kannon. "He seems capable enough."_

_Yumoa chuckled, "Yeah, but then poor Sanzo won't have any fun. He's been insensible for a while, and now that he's awake, he'll want to blow off some steam. Considering how Lyds has been causing all his troubles, I think he should at least get a crack at the Lydiclone."_

_Kannon smirked. It amused her to no end that Comedy would use such fuzzy logic for complicating the plan. However, in a way, he was helping her out as well. After all, where was the fun in letting one person take care of everything?_

"_Okay, then all Aries has to do is remove Eris from the picture. We'll leave the clones to the rest, correct?"_

"_Yup!" He grinned and fiddled with Bob's stunted little arms. "It was all Bob's idea, though. He's a smart bunny—aren't you, Bob? You're such a smart bunny!"_

"_Did that doll really tell you, or are you just playing a…?" Kannon's question faded to nothing in the presence of something utterly inexplicable._

"_Look, I hate it when you do that!" Bob cried in protest, smacking the god's hands away with insufficient stumps. Yes, __**Bob**__, the __**stuffed bunny**_

"_Aww, no you don't, 'cause you're just a cute widdle bunny, aren'tcha?"_

"_Dammit! Really, I'd rather not be treated like an infant!" asserted the bunny in the little woven pouch._

_That was it. The Goddess of Mercy couldn't hold it in any longer._

"_Did that thing just…?" she murmured, her eyes wide with surprise._

_Comedy frowned in his innocence. "What? Bob? Of course he can talk!"_

"_I'll do you one better," muttered the disturbingly animated toy with what could only be described as a mischievous grin. "I can __**dance**__."_

_Yumoa clapped in excitement. "Yay! Dance, dance, dance!"_

"_To the DDR pad!" Bob commanded._

"_Yessir!"_

_And in an instant, the two were gone._

_Kannon stared at the empty air, then glanced over to Venus, who was gaping in appropriate shock._

"_That was…odd," Venus managed to utter, meeting Kannon's baffled gaze._

"_Yeah," she agreed. Her eyes traced to the pool. "Let's watch."_

"_You don't need to tell me twice."_

_And thus two goddesses of notable prestige were summarily reduced to little more than spectators gawking at the edge of a bizarre circus. The balance of things hadn't improved at all, yet all was well in the land of entertainment. __**This**__ was what it was all about, according to Kannon's philosophy. _

_Who needed wars and angst when dancing bunnies were plentiful?_

* * *

**(Food-Time)**

"That smirk of yours is really starting to piss me off," I informed the kappa, sipping loudly at the bottom of my iced mocha with a straw.

We'd been sitting at the table for approximately one hour, every moment of which was etched into my mind as the most embarrassing moment of my entire life—and counting. It was bad enough that Konran wouldn't stop fussing over my crippled state, but Gojyo's presence was like adding insult to injury. He had a way of making things more mortifying than they should have been.

_So we had sex! **Get over it!**_

I wanted to scream it to the stars, but at least some part of me was still clinging to an ounce of reason and pointing out that the diner was kind of crowded for announcements like that.

Gojyo's mean little smirk only widened. "But it's so _cute_!" he gushed, feigning—poorly—the voice of a hormone-driven schoolgirl. "After waiting so long, Kon finally finds love, and you finally figure out _what the hell is going on_." As he spoke, his usual sardonic tone returned, like dye diffusing into a glass of water. "Seriously," he added, completely back to normal, "this isn't some kind of sick joke, is it? You're not just the clone in disguise, are you?"

_**THWACK!**_

"Argh!"

"Don't _ever_ speak that name in my presence!" I ordered, lowering my throwing hand.

The cockroach massaged the mug-shaped imprint on his forehead and gave me a thoroughly annoyed glare. "I didn't even say a name!" he defended.

"That _creature_ shall **remain** nameless, and shall henceforth be referred to as 'yon she-bitch' until further notice, _capice_?"

"None of that made any sense!" kappa-man argued uselessly.

I pursed my lips and grabbed a piece of bacon, chewing noisily and ignoring his general presence.

Konran looked at me in resigned amusement and sighed, "It's no use arguing with her. Besides, I really don't have any problem with calling it 'yon she-bitch' in a public environment. Yon she-bitch deserves the epithet."

"You now?!"

Kon just shrugged.

Gojyo gawked in disbelief, but after a little while, he settled on mere confusion. "Man, that's one twisted girlfriend you've got there."

"Fiancée," Chaos corrected automatically, before realizing the slip and gasping in obvious terror.

In a flash, my fist flew up and decked the god in one hit. "Wedding's off!" I screamed at his unconscious figure, before storming out of the inn with my chopsticks still in hand.

* * *

_**(How to Cure the Hiccups)**_

_Unfortunately for the ever-mistreated god, Gojyo was so surprised and excited that he completely overlooked __**helping**__ poor Konran, and vacated his seat in a jiffy, bursting into Sanzo's and Hakkai's room just as bystanders were working up the courage to see whether or not Chaos was still alive._

_The noise and incoherent babble of water boy was the absolute last thing Sanzo was willing to contend with in his current condition, of which he reminded everyone in his own special way:_

"_**Hic!**__—die, kappa!" The banishing gun flew up to leave a few holes in the water sprite's head. _

_But before a single shot could be fired, Gojyo managed to duck behind Hakkai and shout at the top of his lungs, "Kon and Lydia are gonna get married! Though…they've already had the honeymoon." He chuckled wickedly, then noticed the stares._

_DEAD SILENCE._

_It lasted for some time, until Goku finally spoke up and quipped helpfully, "Hey, Sanzo, your hiccups are gone. Was it really that scary?"_

_The hung-over priest snapped back into animation, slamming his fist on the table and screaming, "That's not 'scared!' That's 'disturbed beyond all reason' you stupid ape!"_

"_It's really not surprising," Hakkai pointed out. "You've known that Konran was fighting this battle for a long time."_

_Sanzo wasn't the least bit placated. "No! He was fucking it up constantly! How the hell did this happen?!—wait! No…I don't give a shit, because it's not __**going**__ to happen." Rather abruptly, he stood, wavered a bit from nausea, then made his resolute way to the door._

_Goku's perceptive eyes followed him. "Wait, what're you gonna do?"_

_He turned and glared at the room's occupants, then growled with a determined gleam in his amethyst eyes, "I'm going to go kill one of them. One is enough. That way there won't be children." He seemed to fade a bit, muttering, mostly to himself, "Children… Goddammit, there's no what in hell I'm letting that happen on my watch. The last thing I need is a miniature version of those two combined ruining my life."_

_And before the others could even think to try and stop him, the monk was gone._

"_So…" Gojyo muttered at length, trying to ignore the curt frown Hakkai was sending his way. "Um, I guess telling Sanzo was a bad idea…I'll be more careful next time."_

"_That's only if those two get out of it alive," monocle reminded him._

"_Hey, what can I do about it? The prick's just gonna shoot at me!" argued the kappa._

_Hakkai returned to his tea, sipping slowly, then setting the cup down with an almost prophetic clink. "Go fix it. Now."_

_Gojyo blanched. "Uh, yeah, I'll just, um, go do that." And in a flash, he was gone as well._

_Frowning, Goku turned to the older man after a few seconds of silence and asked flatly, "How do you __**do**__ that?"_

_He smiled blandly, taking another sip of tea. "Finish your breakfast, Goku."_

* * *

**(Chicken Tenders) **(1) 

I didn't actually leave the property after my tantrum. There were two main reasons for this:

One, it was still cold outside, and there was so much smoke in the air anyway that being outside made my eyes water; and two, I simply _couldn't_ have left the property without breaking my neck along the way, all thanks to Kon.

Plus…I felt kind of guilty for hitting him…again. I was bringing new meaning to "tough love" in new and disturbing ways.

I sighed from my seat in the Land Rover, staring listlessly out the frosted glass and wondering about my qualifications for whatever Konran was expecting me to be. Really, I didn't feel as though we could have any sort of healthy relationship. Chances were, I'd either wind up killing him or driving him off for good.

"Dammit, I suck," I grumbled, watching people going in and out of the inn. Apparently, the diner was popular in this tiny town.

But then a familiar robed figure stepped out, and I lifted my head in surprise, leaving the confines of the vehicle before I even knew what the hell I was doing.

"Sanzo!" I shouted, hobbling over and waving to get his attention.

He spotted me, frowned at my awkward limp, and then lit a cigarette. "What the hell are you doing outside?" he asked in a tone which suggested that he really didn't give a crap either way, as he dragged on the thin white stick.

"I'm escaping," I replied. "What about you? When did you wake up?"

"Couple hours ago." His violet eyes narrowed slightly at me. "What are those red things on your neck?"

I blinked, then reached up to touch the bruises Konran had left as a reminder of how crazy last night had been.

"A tumor," I stated, deadpan.

"A tumor."

I nodded earnestly, my eyes wide. "Yep, a tumor."

His expression changed to half-apathetic suspicion. "You're sure Konran didn't make those?"

It took a moment to register his question, but once I did, it became more than obvious that he knew what had happened.

"Oh! I forgot that I have to water my posters, so I'll catch you later…" I tried to weasel out, but trailed off when I came face-to-face with the banishing gun.

"No, you won't."

"Sanzo, what are you doing?" I whispered, too surprised to ask anything else.

"That should be obvious," he responded shortly, drawing back the hammer. "Marriage means children, and like hell am I allowing you two to produce some sort of hell spawn to fuck up my world all over again. If I get rid of you, then there's no problem."

Okay…so he was still hung over. That was the only explanation I could think of for his behavior…unless, of course, he was really actually _afraid_ of the kind of kid I might bring into the world with Konran.

I decided against voicing that particular observation. I wanted to keep my face in its original configuration, thank you.

But wait…hadn't Kon already taken care of that whole kid-business?

"Um, you might be too far-gone in your decision to listen at this point, but there's no possibility of me having his kid," I attempted, starting slow, but picking up speed once I was certain that he was listening. "He had some kind of operation done to fix that little glitch."

Sanzo squinted one dubious eye at me, maintaining a level sight on the bridge of my nose. "No possibility at all?"

"Nope. None."

To my endless relief, he lowered the gun and reset it, then took another drag on his Marlboro. "Fine, but you damn well better be sure, because if it happens, and it comes back here, I'll kill it."

"Of course."

"Understood?"

"Yes, sir." I was nodding a little too much as I scurried back into the inn.

Kon had already gotten up, and was sitting at the table with his forehead in one hand, shooing away the last of his overzealous female well-wishers—which sent an uncomfortable twinge of irritation through me. He saw me come in and pursed his lips. "Next time, I think I would prefer it if you just yelled at me," he muttered.

"Sorry—hey are you absolutely _**positive**_ that you can't knock me up?"

His frown turned into something far to complicated to describe accurately without suggesting that he was having some kind of bizarre hallucination. "Knock you…_what?!_ Lydia, at least _try_ to _attempt_ some class. Really, being here is destroying your communication skills."

"Shut up and answer the freaking question!" I snapped, grabbing his arm in a death grip.

He blinked in surprise, looking at my hand, then at the open desperation on my face. "Positive," he murmured. "Why? What happened?"

I shook my head. "Sanzo is in a _really _bad mood right now, and he knows _everything_. He said that if we have a kid, he'll kill it if it comes here."

Then, to my irritation, he laughed. "What? He said that? I'm not surprised—I imagine that he's having a hideous hangover right now."

"You know, I think I may hate you."

"Of course you do," he chuckled, grabbing the back of my chair and scraping it over so that I was right next to him. He wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my temple. "Hate me a little more. Masochists like that."

I sighed. There was no fixing him now. That was what I got for spoiling a god.

When he let me go, I scowled at the empty spot where my mocha had been. Gojyo had _not _been worth wasting good mocha.

I searched for the waiter, pining for caffeine, but instead found Kougaiji coming down the stairs with damp hair and oddly casual clothes. It would probably take a while longer for me to get used to him and the other two wearing limiters and going about like average human beings. Some part of me found it rather bizarre that I was used to people _not_ being human.

I made a mental note _not_ to mention that to my shrink.

"Good morning," the human-looking youkai prince greeted slowly, casting a peculiar look to Kon, then turning to me. "Are they still serving breakfast?"

"For another hour, yeah," I replied, pointedly scooting my chair away from the god. "Sit with us. There's plenty of room." Maybe that would make Chaos quit with the public displays of affection.

He seemed to think about it, then nodded. "I'll go order first. Do either of you want anything?"

"MOCHA!"

The immediate response made him wince and stare at me in surprise. "Uh, okay…"

After one last disturbed glance my way, he went over to the counter to order some food and—I hoped—my mocha.

"Subtlety is a virtue," muttered Konran, shaking his head in exasperation and taking a sip of orange juice. "Most people ask—even more ask _politely_, in a less fanatical tone. Seriously, I'm beginning to think you're having dependence issues concerning mocha and Mountain Dew."

"_Most_ people know better than to provoke the clinically insane," I retorted.

"Exactly. It's a job for trained professionals _only_."

"And most people don't cripple their girlfriends on their first night together."

He frowned. "Okay, now that one was below the belt."

"So was most of last night, so shut up—ooh! Mocha!" Kougaiji returned with the steaming mug of joy, and like an addict possessed, I held out my hands in eagerness. "Gimme!"

"I'll be taking that."

"Huh?" To my rage and dismay, a large, tanned, brawny hand descended from above and plucked the mocha from the saucer in Kougaiji's grasp. I stared at the empty little plate for a shocked moment, then craned my neck as far back as it would go to find a heavily muscled man with storm gray eyes in a chisel-cut face and a rust red military haircut standing behind me. He was holding the mug far higher than I could reach without embarrassing myself or tripping over my own crippled legs.

"Agh! It's the Incredible hulk, but not green!" I cried, blurting the first insane thought to pop into my head. Wait…but this guy was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt…Brawny man? Or perhaps country bumpkin Fabio?

Konran, on the other hand, had a different image in his mind.

"Dad?!" he spazzed, nearly flipping his chair over in his scramble to get to his feet.

"Dad?!" I demanded in similar surprise to his statement.

"Dad?" Kougaiji questioned, frowning hard at the God of Chaos and the man from the Brawny paper towel ads.

Kon nodded slowly. "Dad," he affirmed. "Better known as Aries, the God of War."

"Aries?!" I yelped.

"God of War?" Kougaiji gasped, taking a step back.

"ENOUGH!" Aries shouted quickly, putting an end to our roundabout exclamations before they went around again. "For the love of Hera, boy! What the blazes have you been getting into _this_ time?!"

Kon's mouth opened and closed like a dying fish, before he managed to stammer, "N-nothing! Mom's the one throwing everything into a tailspin!"

Aries' eyes narrowed, taking on a flickering glow, like a barely contained thunderstorm. "Uh-huh. Then explain why _he_ is trying to kill _her_."

"Eh?" Confused, I looked to Kougaiji. "What's he talking about?"

The prince hesitated, but when Kon's father folded his arms across his chest, flexing biceps the size of my thighs, he swallowed hard and said slowly, "Eris has kidnapped my younger sister, Lirin, and she's blackmailing me into killing Lydia to prevent Konran and her from staying together."

"Together…" That stormy gaze rotated to me, and my eyes went wide as I scooted away slightly. "What's that on your neck?"

"Guh…buh…MOSQUITOES! _**GIANT**__ MOSQUITOES!_" I shouted, standing suddenly and attempting to make a break for it.

Before I could take a single step, something stronger than steel wrapped around my arm and yanked me back. "Oh, no, you don't," Aries rumbled in that scary voice. "Chaos did that to you, didn't he?"

Faced with possible dislocation of my shoulder, I nodded dumbly.

"You're his equivalent, right?"

Again, a nod.

He frowned in a scary way, then after a moment he let me go and placed his enormous hand on my head. "I suppose you're going to be my daughter-in-law, then, _Lydia_."

Those were probably the most terrifying words I had ever heard in my entire life. "Uh…I guess…so?" I babbled.

The imposing god then looked over to his son. "If you screw up, I'll chain you to a wall and give you to Cerberus as a chew toy, you got that, boy?"

It was Kon's turn to nod in silence.

"Good." Aries' hand left my head, and a wave of relief washed over me.

"So you're okay with…us?" I asked meekly, petrified at the thought of how easily those immense muscles could snap every bone in my body. Not even suicidal insanity could fight muscles like that.

He shrugged mountainous shoulders. "I'm just glad you've managed to tie him down. That kid of mine is a handful."

"Tell me about it," I muttered, managing a chuckle.

"Lydia?!"

"Shut up, ass-hat. I'm having a moment with daddy!" That was all it took to quiet him.

Aries' eyes crinkled at the corners, and he gave a rumbling chuckle. "Impressive. I don't think I would mind it if you called me daddy, after all." Then the smile left, replaced with crackling heat, and he scowled at Kougaiji. "However, you're still a problem. Ignore all of Eris' orders. I'll take care of her. Understood?"

The prince clenched his fists. "And my sister?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get her, too. Lirin, right? Actually, I'll go do that now, and then I'll make sure Chaos' mother can't play with this realm anymore." He sighed, then set down the mug. "Lydia, throw that away and get a new one for yourself, and Chaos, please swear to me that you're done with all the fooling around. It's all well and good that you've finally decided to settle down, but Apollo's _still_ pissed at the both of us, and don't _even_ get me started on Artemis. Poor girl keeps flying into rages over you and that stunt you pulled in her bedroom."

Konran frowned, a flush of pale pink working its way up his slender, white throat. "Dad, please don't talk about that in front of Lydia."

"Oh?" The war god gave a booming laugh and clapped his shovel-sized hand on his son's shoulder. "All embarrassed now, are you? 'Bout time, if you ask me. I'll see you kids later. I've got a goddess to wrangle."

And just like that, he was gone—no theatrics, no warning, just gone. A quick scan of the diner made it clear that no one had noticed a thing.

"You're dad's kind of…different from how I imagined…" I muttered. "He talks Southern, but minus the accent. It's weird. Plus, he's _huge_! How the hell did you end up so trim?"

"I take after my mother," he mumbled tightly, refusing to meet my gaze. "Kougaiji, don't worry about Lirin, and I forgive you for what you were about to do. If my father says he's going to do something, then he won't stop until it's done, so you can stop worrying."

Kougaiji's hands relaxed in increments, until he let out a long sigh. "Thank you…uh…may I still eat here?"

I grinned and motioned to a chair. "Have a seat! I'll go get a fresh mocha."

Obligingly, he gave a small, weary smile and sat down. "Thank you, again."

"No problemo, dude."

As I went to retrieve a fresh cup, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. Of all the unexpected, bizarre things to happen to me, this one took the cake. _Aries the Greek God of War_ was going to be my father-in-law.

It didn't just feel appropriate—it kicked ass. Even the fact that I had almost been poisoned seemed trivial.

Now…how to get rid of the she-bitch…

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_**(1)** This title has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the segment. It just kind of popped into my head as I was listening to Dane Cook's "Harmful if Swallowed" CD, so I typed it instead of the intended title, which was much lamer._

_There! Done! (sighs) It sucks, right? It's been almost a month, I'm wallowing in the misery that is Calculus 1, and my scribble gland is shriveled and dry. HELP ME! IDEAS! I NEED IDEAS!!! Anything to crank up my system!_

_CHALLENGE! I need ideas on how to kill the clone. Actually, I have ideas, but I'd like some more, just to play with. Preferably something involving Sanzo, but not his gun…_

_Basically, I'm asking that you precious, precious readers of mine tell me any ideas you may have in a review or a PM. Violence is welcome. Gore is welcome. **Al** Gore is welcome, though how the hell I'll make that work is an interesting thought. Sex, however, is not—she's had her fun, and now she must suffer._ (XP)

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	18. Escalation: Madness Resumes through Pie

**The Sequel: Chapter XVIII (Current Mood: PISSED.)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note…kinda long this time around…) **_

_It's GONE?! This is the second time I've had to type up this accursed chapter! It was so beautiful! (cries) It was over 4000 words already! I don't have time! I have work tomorrow, and it's already 2:36 AM!? AAARGH! _

_By the by, my birthday is (was) on July 15th __so be sure to review, if only for that single reason. Hopefully, I can get it up on time, but what with this horrifying incident…AUGH! MY QUOTES! Are they okay?! (rushes off to find her babies…)_

_They're not?! But I saved them!! (sobs uncontrollably) The gods hate meeee!_

_This is REALLY late for two reasons. One, I was preoccupied with my book. I want to publish it quickly! Soon! (screams) Agents suck! Now I have to rewrite the damn thing **again!** This is the THIRD TIME! (screams again) The entire story line is changing! (breath) Second, I'm pretty sure I failed my calculus class. I've been in a horribly depressed state of late. _T.T_ Please! Curve the overall grade! I'M BEGGING YOU!_

_Anyway, yeah. Sorry if this chapter is absolute crap. There are some seriously funny moments, though, so read it anyway! (Like Yumoa's Jamaican episode!) It's dedicated to mah homie, Faith, who is now officially Lyds' shrink._

_**Omedeto! Banzai!**_

_(By the by, Sanzo looks REAL good in a pink apron. Thank you, Gunlock, even if it was just filler!)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"Murphy's Law: If something can go wrong, it will."—Murphy. I hope he died in an obscene manner._

"_To err is human; to really screw things up requires a computer."—some poster in my English class in 7th grade. Never have such words rung so true…_

* * *

_**Escalation: Madness Resumes through Pie**_

_**(Houtou Castle—Revisited)**_

_The sound of sirens shattered the silent afternoon, echoing through the crags and peaks of the jutting monuments surrounding Houtou castle. Perched creatures gave a start and took off, but not even the sound of a thousand crows taking flight could drown out the cacophony. Deep within the bowels of the sinister structure, pacing angrily across the usual platform in the Revival Chamber, the current queen of this realm was screaming at the top of her lungs, louder than even the sirens._

"_All of you! Idiots!" she shrieked, chucking a hairbrush at her servants and sending them running for theirs lives. "You! Assemble the units! I don't care what you have to do to get it done, but I want my daughter and that **woman's** son standing before me by tonight!"_

"_Y-yes, my q-queen!" stammered the general, and with a hurried bow, he scurried off to obey her orders._

_Not surprisingly, the chamber emptied rather quickly, but just as Lady Koushuu was about to sit down and fume a little, there was a repetitive ringing noise._

"_Who the hell could that be at a time like this?!" she growled, stalking over to the phone and nearly tearing the receiver out of the wall as she picked up. "What do you want?!"_

* * *

_**(Hwan's Lab)**_

_Doctor Hwan had actually been looking forward to coming back to her research after spending so long in the infirmary. It had seemed as though things would finally calm down. However, when she returned to check on her last and least stable experiment, she found only an empty glass tube, filled with greenish liquid giving off a faint, phosphorescent glow._

_This was bad, for a number of reasons. Most important was the fact that this experiment had the highest potential of the three. In other words, it started fairly average in power, but after enough time, it could easily surpass the strength of the other two combined. If Seimei's occasional reports were any indication, then releasing yet another experiment would probably throw everything off-balance again._

_She didn't want to do it, especially since Lirin had yet again gone missing, but with Ni off looking into the Bishop Hazel matter, the doctor had no choice but to report the situation to Lady Koushuu._

_The phone rang several times, but just when Hwan was beginning to think that she might have to go there in person, a screeching voice cried suddenly, "What do you want?!"_

_After a brief hesitation, Hwan said as calmly as she could, "My Lady, there's been another accident. The final experiment has escaped…"_

"_Can't you take care of your own business? What use are you to me if you can't even handle that much! Fix it yourself!"_

_The line went dead before the doctor could even think to argue._

_Sighing, she set the receiver down slowly. "I suppose it can't be helped, then. A least it will be nice to get out of this stuffy lab for once."_

_There was no time to delay. She slipped her lab coat off and grabbed a light overcoat from a closet, then picked up the limiter from one of the hooks and stuck it in her pocket, intent on rushing._

"_Where are __**you**__ going, Doctor?" inquired Wang from behind his bizarre goggles as he compiled reams of data into digital archives._

"_Out," she snipped. "Our Lady's too busy to help me find the experiment. Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_You seemed a little busy yourself there," he responded with a chuckle. It was obvious that he didn't care. The experiment had probably walked right past him without difficulty._

_She grit her teeth, refusing to say what she wanted to say, and muttering crossly, "Mind the lab while I'm away."_

_A crafty smile turned up a corner of his mouth. "Yes, Doctor."_

* * *

_**(In Front of the Inn)**_

_Despite his instincts telling him repeatedly that it was a crazy, stupid idea, Gojyo hurried down the stairs and burst out of the inn to spot Sanzo standing off in the middle of the snow path, smoking a cigarette and staring up at the cerulean sky. The gun was nowhere in sight, but the kappa was well aware of the voodoo tricks Sanzo possessed in order to arm himself, and approached cautiously, putting on a nonchalant air._

"_Hey, man, you can't just kill them off like that," he said, announcing his presence to the monk._

_Sanzo exhaled a stream of blue smoke and turned a cold, amethyst eye on the water sprite. "Get the hell away from me."_

"_Oh, come on!" Gojyo insisted. "You didn't do anything, did you? Lydia and Konran have been through a ton of shit already. They don't need you trying to kill them on top of all that."_

"_I didn't do shit. As long as they can't spawn some kind of hell-beast, I don't give a damn what the Stray and her whipping post do on their spare time." He turned away and took another drag, wondering why idiots always gravitated toward him while spewing headache-inducing nonsense._

_The kappa frowned, pausing to figure out what he meant, then asking slowly, "Kids? You just don't want them having kids?"_

"_Yes, now leave."_

"_Oh…so they can't have kids?_

"_So says the Stray."_

"_And you're not going to kill them?"_

"_Why waste a good bullet on something so stupid?"_

"_Okay, then. That's all I needed."_

_The priest ignored him, and seeing that everything was—sort of—back to normal, Gojyo allowed his instincts to take over and returned to the inn. It was only common sense to leave Sanzo to his own devices when he was getting over a hangover._

_Alone once more, the monk resumed smoking and staring at the sky. It wasn't that he found it relaxing, it was just that he couldn't seem to shake the irritating feeling that something was coming. Although the fluffy white clouds above looked innocent and harmless, the blue sky itself seemed somewhat sinister, as though it were too thin in some places._

_Sighing in aggravation, he threw down his cigarette butt and took out another to light up. He wasn't leaving this spot until either the feeling went away, or something happened._

_Fortunately, he wouldn't have to wait long._

* * *

_**(Meanwhile…Strawberry Appears)**_

"_Once you get a good look at it, the architecture in the village is actually very nice," commented Yaone as she and Dokugakuji wandered about the haphazard scattering of streets to kill time. _

"_Yeah, especially when the weather's nice," Doku chuckled. "I wonder if it's really over."_

"_Probably not, but it's nice to have a break. I'm just worried about Lord Kougaiji. He's so preoccupied over Lirin's kidnapping that he's losing himself. It hurts to watch." She sighed, wincing at the memory of all those things Kougaiji had done to get Lirin back safely._

_The swordsman smiled and placed a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Yeah, it's bad, but Lirin's pretty tough. She'll be fine, and once that happens, skinny will be back to his normal self. He's not really cut out to play the puppet role, anyway."_

"_I hope so… It's just frustrating that Lady Koushuu wasn't enough of a problem, that Konran's __**mother**__, of all people, had to go and interrupt things." If only the security around Gyokumen Koushuu wasn't so tight. Otherwise, the apothecary would have removed the witch from the picture a long time ago with a well-placed bomb. She had a nice little vial of nitroglycerine back in the workshop just for her. All she had to do is put it under the throne cushion. Once the evil woman sat down, the glass would shatter, and the sudden agitation would ignite the liquid, sending the usurper to hell in a thousand, fiery pieces._

_Doku frowned, seeing strange expressions flickering across her visage, and cleared his throat. "Anyway, it's kind of cold out here." He indicated the snowy landscape and nodded back the way they had come. "We've been gone for a while. Let's go and see what everyone's up to."_

_She rose from her thoughts and smiled tiredly, still worried about Kougaiji, but trying to see the lighter side of things. "All right. I'm a bit hungry, anyway."_

_As they headed back, she absently watched the path in front of her, thinking up different ways to protect the prince. But after a few minutes of walking, she noticed a vacuum at her side and stopped, looking over her shoulder to see the swordsman standing motionless, staring at the sky. "Doku? What's wrong?"_

_He took a few moments to generate a reply, then said hesitantly, "It's…that __**thing**__!"_

_Frowning, she followed his gaze and froze as well, baffled by what she was seeing._

"_What in the world…?"_

_The cotton ball clouds high above were splitting apart and streaming away from a patch of bright blue sky. As they watched in utter confusion, the sky itself seemed to rip apart at the seams, cracking open to reveal nothing but darkness. A moment later, what could only be described as a pair of bone-white hands appeared, working the crack open wider and wider, shattering away bits of skyscape until there was enough room to see a frightening, warped mask peering through and trying to wedge itself through the hole._

_It was like the skull of some unknown animal, with a fanged, lipless maw and vacant sockets for eyes._

_The thing let out an ear-splitting shriek, and the two youkai unhinged at last._

"_What is it?!" Yaone cried, running over to Doku and taking a defensive stance._

_He shook his head, gaping in awe as the hole split even wider, allowing a set of heavily-furred shoulders to work their way through. "I have no idea at all…"_

"_Get down right now!"_

_Surprised at the sudden voice, they dropped to the ground without question and looked up just in time to see a black-clothed figure flit by like a phantom, launching over their heads and high up into the blue._

"_What's __**that**__, then?!" Yaone demanded._

"_Look, I said I don't know! It looks like a kid—what's he doing?!"_

_The unknown flying person kept going up and up, until he reached the struggling creature and slashed out with a black sword as long as he was tall. The movement was too fast to see, but nonetheless, blood sprayed from the wound up the middle of the creature's face and rained down from the sky like a sign of the apocalypse._

_The creature bellowed in pain and quickly pulled back, retreating into the darkness and sealing the sky up in its wake._

_With the monster gone, Doku and Yaone stood up again and frowned in consternation as the stranger dropped back down to earth and landed lightly on sandal-clad feet. He whipped the sword through the air to clean the blade, then wrapped it up with appeared to be a medical bandage and slung it behind his back._

"_What __**was**__ that thing?" murmured Yaone, her eyes wide with surprise._

"_It's okay, the Hollow's gone now," replied the stranger, whom they could now see was a young man of average height, with spiky, orange hair and a perpetual scowl._

"_H-hollow? So that's what that monster was…" Doku muttered. "Wait, that doesn't explain anything! And who are __**you?!**__"_

_The kid blinked in apparent surprise, then frowned hard at each of them in turn. "Hold on, you can see me?"_

_They shrugged simultaneously. "Yeah…why?" inquired Yaone. "And answer the question: who are you, and what was that creature?"_

_He squinted an eye. "I told you, it was a Hollow—kind of like a lost soul, but worse. I'm Kurosaki Ichigo—a shinigami."_

"_Shini…gami…what?! Where did you come from?!" demanded the swordsman. "Togenkyo?"_

"_To-Tokyo, you mean?"_

_He shook his head. "No! To__**gen**__kyo! You're not from here are you?! Damn, it's really not over…Yaone, grab him. Let's go see Konran."_

_In a flash, the two youkai had each of this "Ichigo" character's arms, and proceeded to drag him away towards the inn._

_Naturally, he protested._

"…_The hell?! Let me go! Who're __**you**__ people?! Let go, I said!" he shouted in confusion and anger, kicking his legs, yet failing to dislodge their grips._

_There was no time to explain it to him. It was better to just bring him to Konran and Lydia…or maybe just Konran, and have __**him**__ explain everything to the confused young man. If their suspicions were accurate, then this kid was yet another victim of the riff between dimensions. In which case, it was time to get everyone together for some serious brainstorming on fixing this problem._

* * *

**(An Incident Concerning Pie…and then Some)**

"Blueberry is the best, without a shadow of a doubt."

"Actually, I prefer apple pie, especially with plenty of cinnamon and nutmeg."

"Eh?! You dare insult the almighty blueberry?!"

"I'm not insulting it! What, I'm not allowed to like apples?"

"Apples hold nothing on the utter perfection of a blueberry! I refuse to associate with people of your persuasion!"

"What? What kind of logic is that?! Since when do you play mind games like a normal girl?! …And I mean _normal_ in the loosest sense of the word…"

"Since I found out what dear Auntie used to make you do! Now bow down to my blueberry might!"

"How in the _hell_ does that have anything to do with what kind of pie I like?!"

"Pie can mean many things. You do not like my pie. That makes me worry."

"What is _wrong _with you today?!"

"Maybe I'm just cranky 'cause _everything hurts_, you _dog._"

(…et cetera…)

This was an outrage. As a sufferer of the frustrating—and often crippling—disease entitled "diabetes", I had long ago taken it upon myself to classify all desserts—otherwise known as sugar-engorged substances—according to a simple criterion I liked to call _awesomeness._ Blueberry pie and blueberry cheesecake were at the pinnacle of this list.

In other words, I was right, and Konran was stupid.

See? Simple.

"I don't understand you at all!" I snapped, propping my head on my hand and gripping my hair tight to will the confusion away. "Hakkai, what do you think? Blueberry or apple? Please ease my pain…" He had come down for lunch with Goku and Gojyo, at which point I had realized that the diner was becoming something of a hangout for the entire group. There really was nothing better to do, other than DDR or Twister, was there? Only Kougaiji seemed to have more important matters to attend to. He'd already gone to…sulk, or something…?

In my state, I wouldn't be attempting Twister or DDR for some time. My pride was in a pinch.

Hakkai smiled and took a sip of after-meal tea. "I actually don't much care for pie. Other pastries are nice, though. Pie is a bit messy."

I felt my eyes widen to approximately the size of oranges, and my jaw drop open wide. "What?! But…but that's not….it doesn't…" I trailed off, unable to form a coherent response to this madness. No! NO! There was something fundamentally wrong with his brain! Somebody!—_anybody!_—fix his brain! Super glue! Gorilla glue! Have gorillas glue his head back together!

"Kon, you've infected him with your pie-hating disease!" I accused abruptly.

He frowned at the finger I had pointed less than an inch from his face, and slowly reached up to lower it. "Honestly, Princess, you're overreacting over _pie?_ I never said I didn't like blueberry pie—it's just not my favorite."

"Hiya guys!" Like clockwork bent on shattering every last micron of sanity I was desperately attempting to protect, Yumoa appeared out of thin air, clearly unaware of the fact that half the diner was now staring at him in fear and disbelief. It was better not to address the problem. People were wont to go with the flow, so long as nobody else was reacting as though it were something unusual.

While Gojyo tried to hold in his laughter at my twitch of surprise, I frowned up at Comedy. "You know, the whole teleportation thing is cool and all, but it's not really something you should be doing in a public setting."

"Oh, c'mon, mon! Mah mon Kon be all ober da plehs wit da con-_feh_-tee, mon. Dat be too crool to ya boi!" was the fiery-eyed god's response. The only word I had understood was "confetti" and "oh," which, technically, wasn't really even a word…more like an interjection.

Gojyo's chuckles faded away to uncertainty, and he, too, frowned hard at Yumoa. "Hey, why are you using a Jamaican accent?"

I gasped and lunged at the kappa, grabbing his coat lapels from across the table and glaring hard at him. "How do you know Jamaica?!"

"They make rum, right?!" he cried, as though his life hung in the balance.

"But you're in China, for sanity's sake!" I released him and dropped back into my chair, once more utterly lost. "Well…sometimes I think it's India…other times it's Japan…still others I swear it's the Swiss Alps."

Musing, I didn't recover from the temporary standby until Yumoa quipped hopefully, "Can I go eat now?"

"Why not? It's not like we restrict your feeding habits. Go grab some vittles. I'm busy being mad at Kon for being a blueberry-hater-slash-dog."

"Aw, Kon, don't be hatin'," giggled Comedy.

"I already said that I have nothing against blueberries!" the "hatin'" god in question sighed in exasperation. Gently, he took hold of my hand and leaned his lips next to my ear. "At any rate, I'm sure we can set aside our differences in this case. You won't leave me for pie, will you?" he asked in a tone which implied much more than his words alone ever could.

An involuntary shudder chased its way down my traitor of a spine, and I grit my teeth stubbornly. "Witchcraft!" I snapped, jerking away. "Get thee behind me…er…you…you _god,_ you!" At that, I stood so quickly that my chair made a nails-on-chalkboard noise as it skidded backwards, and grabbed Yumoa's collar while half the room screamed in auditory pain. "Come! We shall obtain comestibles at this time!"

This was better. In the privacy of our own room, affectionate displays were all well and good, but in the presence of an entire diner, the majority of whose attention was focused on our table, such things would _not_ be tolerated!

Yumoa was safe. He was neutral ground. I wasn't capable of even imagining Yumoa trying to seduce me.

…_Eww!_

Konran, conversely, was a ticking time bomb in a multitude of ways.

"I want French fries and pie!" Yumoa declared at the counter, giving off the impression that French fries and pie were essential to the very fabric of his being.

The poor, grizzled old man at the register gave a mild start, then panted in surprise, "Don't _do_ that, boy! Ya nearly gave me a heart attack! Now, what kind of pie do ya want, feller?"

He grinned briefly at me, then responded firmly, "Blueberry! And I want the curly fries, not the boring straight ones."

"Er…right…" After a moment to give the god a precautionary once-over, the bartender did his thing, and I paid with some money I had filched from Kon's wallet while he wasn't looking.

"I'm so proud of you!" I gushed, patting Comedy on the head. "We should force-feed some of it to Kon, the Blueberry Hater."

"Indeed! Let's go wait at the table. My feet hurt." He pouted at his feet and wiggled his bare toes.

"Well, if you would wear shoes like a normal person, then we wouldn't have this problem."

I reclaimed my seat beside my tormentor—out of habit, unfortunately—and Yumoa plopped down between Gojyo and Goku.

"Where did you get the money?" the kappa asked, frowning at the baffled bartender who was at that moment cutting up potatoes and rolling piecrust.

"I filched it from the BBH while the bastard's back was turned," I replied with a broad grin.

"'BBH'?" Chaos gave me a suspicious leer. "What does that stand for, pray tell?"

"Blueberry Hater."

He blinked, then smiled coldly. "I see. You've been stealing my money, wench."

"Eh? That's kinda harsh, don'tcha think?" Goku muttered. "You shouldn't call Lydia mean names like that."

"Oh, but _ass-hat_ is just fine, is it? She can call me a myriad of heinous names, yet I can't use one outdated term?" He chuckled almost evilly, and for the first time in a long while, I was worried about him.

"Hey, you feeling okay?" I inquired slowly.

"Time for punishment!" Before I could shout or blink or even register the meaning of that particular string of words within my mind, he yanked me up, over his shoulder, and carried me out of the diner, heading towards the stairs.

"What are you doing?! Put me down!" I finally managed to cry.

"Nope. If you're going to be taking my things, then I demand payment. A little fun is in order."

I froze, then skittered over his shoulder like a cat on crack and hit the ground running, sprinting over to the table and diving underneath. "Don't come near me!" I screamed.

"Whoa! Kon, calm down! Oww! Hey, I'm not moving!" Gojyo—bless his heart—he was trying to help me! I promised from that point on to do everything I could to make his life…

"Go around if you want her that bad! Sheesh!"

…a _**living HELL!**_ Damn you, traitor! A curse upon your very soul!

I found Yumoa's legs and latched on, wrapping myself around his knees and clinging for dear life—which he didn't seem to even notice, not surprisingly. "KEEP AWAY FROM ME, ASS-HAT! I'LL NOT HAVE YOU CRIPPLING ME ON A DAILY BASIS!"

"Get out of there and repay me for all that money you've been taking!"

"It's your fault for leaving your wallet out in the open! And for not wearing pants when you should!"

"Wha…?! C'mere, you little feral cat! I'll make it so you can't even _hobble_ away!"

And then the table made an immense, explosive noise, loud enough to rattle my eardrums, and powerful enough to send a splintered crack down the middle above my head.

Lightning? Indoors? Indeed, this was the lawless land of anti-physics.

Silence…then:

"Konran. Sit. Lydia. Come out here, please."

Hakkai? _Worse!_

For some reason, I sensed an evil presence hovering near the sensible loafers on my right.

Kon's chair suddenly scooted out, and he sat abruptly. After a moment of waiting for some sign that nothing horrible was happening to him, I slowly let go of Yumoa and crawled out from under the table, peering over the edge at the ex-human.

He was smiling.

I'd never felt so terrified.

Quickly, I staggered up and sat hard on the chair, wincing as my bruises protested the rough contact. "So…pie…sound good?" I asked, faltering when his eyes opened a crack, as though letting me peek through a hole in the wall next door to a medieval torture room.

"I think you've had enough sugar for one sitting." It was a simple response—yet for some reason my heart was trying to shove my lungs out of the way and save itself by crawling out of my throat.

"Yes sir," I muttered weakly. There was no arguing with this kind of evil. It was the kind of evil that even Big Daddy Aries would probably try to avoid. Hell, not even the almighty Sanzo could fight Hakkai's craziness.

"I'd like to point out that I'm a god," Kon, grumbled.

"Oh, that doesn't matter. Your behavior is inexcusable, regardless of your mortality status. You should be ashamed of what you were trying to do to Lydia—and in a public environment, no less. The poor girl needs a break for a while, and if you want to push the envelope, then I suppose you will have no problem with going through me." Hakkai smiled again, and Kon actually paled—like, paper-white, rather than his usual off-white.

I had to admit that I was really seeing the upside to having Hakkai vouch for my sanity. Nobody—and I mean _NOBODY_—messed with Hakkai.

There was an awkward moment of silence—and not just at our table. The entire diner had gone quiet. However, when Hakkai glanced over a the other tables, noise rose once more to appropriate levels, and the bartender was working twice as fast to fry the potatoes. Such power…oh, how I wanted to be that kind of scary.

"Can I have some tea?" Yumoa asked cheerily, the only one immune to Evil Hakkai.

"Of course." Monocle poured a cup and passed it to Comedy. "It's still hot, so don't burn yourself."

The god nodded in acknowledgement, and, once in possession of the cup, began to blow diligently across the surface as he stirred the liquid. Sometimes he was almost absurdly cute—three-year-old cute, and not a year older.

A light jingle from the doorway caught my passing attention—which led to a double-take…which led to a twitching eye, an autonomously pointing finger, and a string of incoherent babble which—I _assumed_—had initially been intended as a statement of some kind.

"Mmmuh! Guhh! Duh! Waaah!" I cried.

Everyone looked at me as though my brains were leaking out of my ear.

"I think she's finally snapped," Goku whispered to Yumoa.

The god ceased blowing on his drink and looked over his shoulder, then turned back to the table and shook his head. "Nah, it's just Yaone and Doku dragging in a kid with orange hair."

"Huh?" The rest of them looked as well, and merely stared in confused silence as Kougaiji's friends carried a bound and gagged young man into the diner and set him beside the table.

"Hey, guys, we have a problem," Doku muttered, clearing his throat and pretending that they weren't the center of attention.

"Uh, yeah—I'm pretty sure that normal kleptomania doesn't extend to stealing living humans," I agreed with a sober nod. "Not even my shrink will touch that one. Dr. Faith don't accept weirdness of that caliber. I suggest Dr. Pessie Mizzim."

"That's not the problem," sighed Yaone. "The problem is that it's happening again, the dimensional instability."

"Kurosaki Ichigo?" Kon asked out of the blue, getting up and turning the kid to frown hard at his glaring brown eyes. "Yeah, that's him. What the hell is he doing in this dimension?"

The name made me gasp and leap out of my chair, sliding across the floor as though stealing second base, and stop beside the kidnapping victim. "Ichigo?! You're Ichigo?!" I demanded.

One of his eyes squinted at me, and he gave a silent, hesitant nod, as if he weren't too sure about whether or not it was safe to answer the question.

I frowned, then spazzed, "Augh! Dude! I'm your biggest fan! Can I have your autograph?!"

There was a tug on my collar, and without warning, Kon yanked me back on my feet and pinned me to his side, hissing in irritation, "Don't you have any sense at all?! This is a crisis, not a convention!"

"Shut up! I'm meeting my favorite fictional person in the world!"

"He's not exactly fictional if he's right there," corrected Goku, nodding towards the young man with the angry veins popping out all over his head.

"Yeah, but in my world, he's a fictional character. He's in manga! And a TV show—if you're not afraid to torrent the episodes, of course."

"I'm pretty sure none of that made any sense," Gojyo muttered, turning his chair to stare at Ichigo. "What's with the getup, though? Cosplay?"

"Again! How is it that you know about things with which you have no cultural contact in your dimension?!" Honestly, this was bothering me a lot.

He just shrugged. "It's common knowledge."

"MMMFF!" protested the substitute shinigami.

"Oh, be quiet. It's not like you're me," I snapped. "'Cause then you'd have to contend with Mr. Happy-Pants over hither, which is _not_ fun when he's got something sick in his head."

"Too much information," Kon growled, clamping his hand over my mouth. "Yaone, remove his sword, and Dokugakuji, untie him. I need to ask a few questions."

I sighed, and folded my arms with a pout, absently gnawing on the god's finger while the assigned tasks were completed. Kon didn't seem to even notice...or so I thought, until he suddenly shoved a finger in my mouth and hooked it in my cheek. With this new anchor, he turned my head and frowned at me.

"Knock that off, Lydia, unless of course you're willing to finish what you start." He gave me a suggestive little smirk.

I grimaced. "I'gull shtoff naogh." (_A/N: For those of you, the ones who do not speak gobbledygook, she's saying, "I'll stop now.")_

"Good girl." He removed the finger and wiped his hand on his pants, returning to the situation at hand. "How did you get here?" he asked Ichigo once the makeshift gag—a length of old rope—had been removed.

"I ran here!" he snapped, tearing his hands out of the loosened binds and resting clenched fists on his knees. "I was getting away from that crazy-ass Zaraki. What the hell is wrong with you people? It's not normal to kidnap the guy who saved you from a Hollow! And how come you can all see me?!"

That piqued my interest. "A Hollow? There was a Hollow? And I didn't see it?!" Noooo! My dreams! Come back to me!

Kon grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked fairly hard, interrupting my flow. DAMMIT!

"That's it! No nookie!" I growled, elbowing him in the ribs.

"I think there are more important things! …And that's just not fair!" he protested.

"Ahem!" Hakkai said loudly, creating a bubble of silence. "Better. Now, Ichigo, was it? Could you please tell us if this place is familiar to you?"

He frowned, hopefully sensing that Hakkai was not to be trifled with, and shook his head. "It's not snowing in the Soul Society, so no. Why?"

"We're not going to tell you."

We all heard the voice, and caught sight of Sanzo approaching, a cigarette in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. "I saw him kill that thing—more progress than anyone else here has made in a long while." He shot a pissed-off glare in Kon's general direction. "But that's beside the point. If shit's getting worse, then chances are that tying him into this dimension will make things even more difficult to fix later. After all, the Stray and the whipping post got involved and now _everything's_ fucked."

"_Whipping post?_" Kon repeated slowly. "Hold on just a minute! Who are you calling a whipping post?!"

"Shut the fuck up and get your ass to work. We're leaving in the morning, whether you've fixed it or not. I don't have any more time to waste on babysitting you and the Stray—and even less to waste on babysitting whatever random people you end up dragging into this world."

"And who the hell are _you?_" Ichigo demanded arrogantly. "A monk? Or did Halloween come early this year." He put on a self-satisfying smirk, while the rest of us cringed in mild terror.

Sanzo was silent for several moments, apparently taking the kid's measure, then:

_**CLICK**_.

"Nobody insults the robe without punishment," he growled, sighting the banishing gun between Ichigo's eyes…which had expanded to illogical proportions.

"A—a—a gu—gu—gun?!" he cried, scrambling back like a crab being chased by an ill-tempered seagull; a normal reaction for anyone unaccustomed to Sanzo's horrifyingly violent moods.

"Sanzo, please," Hakkai sighed, shaking his head in mild exasperation. "His comments didn't warrant a death sentence, and he's completely ignorant of what is going on here, anyway. It's rude to try and kill him for that."

"RUDE?! That's IT?!" Ichigo demanded shrilly. "What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

While Sanzo finally reconsidered and stashed his piece, Yumoa stood suddenly and bowed deeply to the shinigami.

"If I may clarify," he said graciously, before standing and pointing to the group in general. "Dems mah brovas, mon. Deys be tryin' so haad ta fix dis wald, but dere be some crehhzy stuff hoppenin', mon. Mah mon, Kon, be one, mon. Dat one wit da gun be Sanzo. Lydia da one be glarin' aht meh. Da rest ken nehm demselbs."

More silence. That hadn't clarified anything at all. In fact, I could feel my brain cells dying slow, agonizing deaths. Yumoa had that kind of bizarre power over us.

Once I was certain that enough mental sabotage had passed, I sighed and gently led Comedy back to his seat, which he gratefully took and thereafter resumed blowing on the hot tea. "Geeze, Yumoa, you can't just go talking like that to people. Ichigo's head is about to explode in a mess of brains and skull bits. You're not Jamaican. Accept it."

He pouted. "I know, but I just wanted to be a part of somethin' bigger, y'know?"

"No…no, I don't…but good luck with that." I gave him a wary frown and an awkward shoulder pat, then turned back to the brain-fried carrot-top. "I apologize for his nonsense. He's like diarrhea. He can't be stopped."

Gojyo made a face. "Seriously. You need some better analogies."

"And YOU need to wax your antennae. They're limping."

While the kappa gaped at me—and resisted the urge to look up and check—Konran muttered, "At any rate, this is no place to be discussing the end of the world. The innkeeper is already mad at me over those sheets."

"Silence, cur!" I shrieked, striking him in the head with the nearest thing at hand. It turned out to be a fork…which stuck rather diligently into his cranium.

"Aiiieee!!" he cried.

"Holy SHIT!" Gojyo explicated.

"Owww…" commented Yumoa.

"I'm getting a drink," grumbled Sanzo.

"It stuck! It's stuck!" Yaone panicked.

"What the hell?" Dokugakuji mumbled.

"Oh, my. That was a powerful hit," Hakkai complimented.

"Oops," I chuckled.

"I think I see brains," Goku marveled.

"I'M OUTTA HERE!" declared Ichigo.

He got up to escape in the midst of Kon's freaking out, but hit a brick wall when…well…actually, he just really hit a brick wall…

_Weird._ Who put that there?! I looked around, but no one else seemed to find it odd...

…wait, that was a pillar. Okay.

Comedy stood with a grin and restrained him as though there were nothing but a game. A game called Kidnapping, in which he participated while drinking tea.

"Let me go!" the shinigami screamed. "I don't wanna have anything to do with you crazy people and your forks! Why forks, anyway?!"

I nodded somberly. "Indeed. The inconsistencies are countless. I should have stabbed him with chopsticks."

"Hello?! I'm kind of bleeding from my brain here!" Kon said in an attempt to remind us that he was critically wounded.

"Also," I continued, ignoring the god to the best of my ability, "what language are you speaking?"

Ichigo blinked, bafflement overcoming indignation for a brief pause. "Uh…Japanese. Why?"

"EXACTLY!" I declared, sweeping my arm around to encompass the entire group. "You're speaking Japanese! I'm speaking English! Sanzo's speaking Chinese! Everything is being manipulated to our own preferences! We speak in tongues and no one notices! We understand languages we've never heard before and assume they're our own!"

"Geeze, calm down," Gojyo sighed in exasperation, finally giving in and helping pull the fork out of Kon's head. The prongs came out with a soft _pop_, and Chaos fell back on his rear.

"I am _so _going to enjoy punishing you," he threatened, holding a bloodied napkin to the sopping wound not far from a critical artery.

"Shut up, Kon. There are more important things happening right now." The kappa turned to Hakkai. "What's your take on all of this?"

The schizophrenic ex-human put on a pondering face, then replied at length, "I think we should do as Sanzo wants, and leave in the morning. We've been here too long, and if we really are the eye of the storm, then it would be better if we didn't hang around populated locations. That may actually be Sanzo's train of thought as well, but we all know he wouldn't admit it aloud."

Everyone—barring the ignorant Ichigo—nodded in concurrence. Any soft spot hidden in Sanzo's heart was wrapped in barbed wire, titanium alloy armor, and guarded by the hounds of Hell. Only the most convoluted of minds could find a way through that maze.

I was the exact opposite. It was easy to tell what I was thinking…mostly because I made damn sure that everybody knew about it. Tact was not one of my strong suits.

"But what about food?" Goku asked, his eyes full of fear and longing…for vittles. "We can't leave without food!"

Hakkai just chuckled softly. "We have plenty. Yumoa made sure of that."

Goku cast a suspicious glance at the god, who froze in the middle of a sip of tea and blinked eyes filled with barely contained laughter. "Eh? What? Food? Lots. Me and Doku bought enough to fill all the bags and the back of the Land Rover."

"Huh…well…okay, then, I guess." The monkey pouted in mild dubiety, but decided in the end that, despite the god's bizarre habits, he should at least have been able to purchase the essentials of life, as Goku knew it.

"Uh…" Ichigo captured our attentions. "Could I just go now, if it's not a problem? I kind of left Kon and Renji in the middle of the woods, and since Zaraki's out there being his usual crazy-ass self, there's a good chance that they're all in some big fight right now."

"WHAT?! Zaraki and Renji and Kon are here?!" I practically squealed. Who wouldn't love that freakish combo?

"I'm right here," Chaos grouched, checking to see if the bleeding has stopped yet.

It hadn't.

Maybe silver could kill gods, too? Or was Kon a vampire?

That would have been kind of cool, actually.

Whatever. "Shut your face. I'm fulfilling my dreams here!"

"Er, yeah…" murmured Ichigo. "So can just I go?"

"What are the chances that they'll find us?" I demanded. My tone did not imply that a good chance meant something bad. In fact, I didn't care who got hurt. I wanted to steal one of Zaraki's bells, and mock Renji's eyebrows…and have tea with Kon.

Plus, it would have been simply _awesome_ to shout "Kon!" and have both the God of Chaos and a stuffed animal turn to see who was calling them. It would be even better if they were arguing during a video game. The image was cute. So sue me.

"Zaraki will probably get lost, but if he's following Renji and Kon, then sometime tomorrow, maybe."

"Yeah, but you exude _reiatsu_ like carbon dioxide, genius," I argued. "They'll find you sooner than that!"

He blinked. "Oh, yeah…maybe."

"Whatever the case may be, we still have to do what Sanzo says," Hakkai reflected. "We have the supplies we need, so we're still leaving tomorrow."

"Fine!" I clapped my hands together, chuckling madly. "It's decided! Ichi_-nii-san_ will ride with me, Kon, and Yumoa! You guys can cram into the Jeep."

"'Ichi_-nii-san_'?" Kon gave me a disturbed look. "He's not your brother, and he's younger than you."

"So? It's like counting to three in Japanese." I folded my arms across my stomach and dared him to deny my logic.

He just sighed and turned to Hakkai. "All right. We'll take him, if it'll make her that happy. You don't have to do anything, and we'll follow."

"Very well. Now, let's see about some food for this young man." Hakkai went into mommy-mode, and sought out vittles for the wayward strawberry.

"Hey, you can't just say you're gonna keep me!" Ichigo argued forcefully. "I'm not a stray cat!"

"You're right. _She_ is." Sanzo returned with a stiff drink and a newspaper, picking up his cigarettes and pointing at me, then at Ichigo. "You're more like a stray…cow."

"A COW?! The hell?!"

"A cow that wandered off its pasture," the monk added.

"Look here, you son of a—!"

Goku grabbed Ichigo's shoulder and shook his head fiercely. "Not worth it."

Sanzo watched them for a moment, then turned and headed upstairs with the paper and drink.

…He was…smiling?!

"The end is near!" I declared. "Sanzo made a funny!"

_**BAM!**_

I felt the wind coming off that one. It zipped past and struck the bulls-eye of a dartboard behind me. "Shut up!"

I just grinned and watched him leave. "This is gonna ROCK. I can't wait to filch a bell…"

"You can't possibly be serious." This, from Kon.

I grabbed the salt shaker, too, and chucked it at his head.

"Not this time, Princess!" He ducked under and reached out, grabbing my wrist in one swift move and twisting it around my back. "Sit and be good for five minutes."

"I was good for _four hours._ I still have to kill you."

"Quiet, you little hellion. I refuse to let you pick a fight with Zaraki!"

"Why? You worried about me?" I teased.

"Of course I am!" he growled, pulling me to my seat and planting me there. "If you get killed for something stupid, I don't know how I'll live with myself!"

It was quiet for a moment, then Yaone laughed softly and pulled up two chairs. "Well, let's all have a meeting then, to figure out how this will work." She was clearly trying to save the god from an embarrassing incident. And me. I was grateful.

"Yeah, it'll be like old times," Doku chuckled, taking the proffered seat.

"Like the problem with my sister, you mean?" Kon inquired slowly.

"Obviously. We can't get anywhere without at least discussing it."

Everyone stared, then cooperated willingly. "Yeah, I guess having a plan of attack will make thing easier," Gojyo sighed, kicking back and lighting up.

Hakkai returned with a plate of barbecue for Ichigo and laughed, "Let's get started then."

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_(sigh) I'm still depressed. I hate math, but I know I can learn it. The professor was so bad that he's in the process of being fired. Hopefully, someone will speak on our behalf…_

_On a lighter note, Ichigo showed up, Hwan's actually doing something, and Zaraki is gonna appear eventually. I'm thinking about Yachiru…I want her to be there, too…all of this was on a sudden whim, by the way. Depression and boredom breed STRANGE things._

_Anyway, hope this didn't suck too bad. I've missed you guys… _TT.TT

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	19. Fracture: The Collapse of Reality

**The Sequel: Chapter XIX (Current Mood: SICK.)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I AM NOT DEAD._

…_But I **AM** very ill._

_All right! Now that we have established the obvious, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Eos, who DID NOT REVIEW CH 18._

_(hint, hint) _+…+ _I'm watching you, missy._

_This whole thing took forever because I'm doing a lot of stuff all at once in it. There's so much chaos (not just the god) going on that I actually had to organize it a bit…oh, and this opening thing with Harry Potter? Blame my pal Pixie. She swore up and down that I couldn't make it mine, and here I am proving her wrong._

_May I go down in history as "Yon Chick What Pwned That Thing."_

_Urh…my sinuses…forgive me if it seems more like a fever-dream than a coherent body of writing…_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **__"The people will say, 'Oh. My. God. What the hell is __**Mexico**__ doing wandering around in __**Florida**__?!'"—K-chan. (In response to my expressing interest in becoming Mexico…yeah…weird, I know…)_

"_Fighting…or elaborate foreplay?—YOU be the judge."—K-chan (While watching a weird fight scene at the beginning of _Karas)

"_You'll end it all with a violin bow to the jugular!"—K-chan (Again. This time in response to my sporadically-acted-out Godfather reference.)_

* * *

_Fracture: The Collapse of Reality_

_**(MEANWHILE…The Real World—Sort of.)**_

_Despite his better judgement, the incessant warnings of the Order, and a particularly territorial mastiff the size of a small horse, the great and wonderful wizard of…(oh, to hell with it!) HARRY POTTER was taking an evening stroll not far from his (pseudo) home on Privet Drive. After all, there were many things to think about—things better thunk alone, away from prying ears and moving photographs which made one feel as though one were being watched—which one was, in a way. (A/N: yes…I do this on purpose…please don't read it aloud, for fear of injuring oneself.)_

_However, unbeknownst to this young lad, there were bizarre happenings afoot only a dimension away. Naturally, he was not concerned with these happenings, as they had never obstructed his forcibly gloomy life at all…until now._

_While thinking gloomily on whatever it was he was thinking—his thoughts are not our concern—he realized after several minutes that there was a rather conspicuous black van at his left peripheral, with large, white lettering on its side. The van had apparently been following him for some time…on the wrong side of the road…they __**were**__ in the land of left-handed streets, after all._

_He wondered with a mild start whether he was in danger…until he read the lettering on the side._

"_INCONSPICUOUS CANDY MAN," he muttered aloud, following the words from behind ridiculously unfashionable glasses and frowning harder after every syllable._

_Nope. Even Voldemort wasn't that absurd._

_Thinking that it was some sick kind of joke, he decided to just stop and stare at the black-tinted windows._

_The van stopped as well, and remained still, as though waiting for him to continue walking._

_Squinting in curiosity, Harry took several steps along the sidewalk._

_The van idled forward and stopped again, even with his feet._

_Luckily for plot (?) progression, the van's driver-side window began rolling down before Harry could test it again, and something utterly bizarre appeared behind the black glass._

_It was a man…well, it was in the shape of a man, but normal men didn't have lavender-colored hair or glowing eyes, did they? Nor did they have pointy ears or claws. No, this most certainly was not like any man Harry had seen thus far, and the only thing keeping the boy from making a mad dash for safety was the thought of encountering that mastiff again. Perhaps it was Punk Season? A Queen reunion somewhere? (The band, not Her Majesty, you dolt.)_

"_Um…'ello?" Harry attempted, slightly disturbed by the intense concentration on the…person's face._

_Suddenly, the strange person grinned, baring pointy teeth, and held out what appeared to be a candy bar._

"_Would you like some candy, little boy?" the strange man asked in a forced friendly voice._

_More than slightly disturbed, the young man took a step back. "Er, no, no thank you."_

"_Oh, come on. You like candy, don't you?"_

_Harry shook his head and gave a strained smile. "Ah, no, really, I'm fine."_

"_You __**want**__ the candy." There was an edge of irritation in the stranger's voice now, as though he could have sworn that this plan would work._

_Really, this was beyond absurd. Who in their right mind would actually think this sort of thing worked, anyway? Harry certainly didn't. "I don't want the candy. Honestly."_

_This seemed to push him over the edge. "Eat the damn candy!" Like a maniac, he waved the Snickers in front of Harry's face, his phosphorescent eyes glowing in a near-rage. "Do as Zakuro commands you!"_

_Ooookay. That mastiff didn't seem all that threatening after all now, did it? "I…I have to go…"_

"_How dare you defy my powers?!" At that, the stranger lunged, straight through the window at the young wizard._

_Harry didn't even have a chance to brace himself when there flashed a brilliant blue light, brighter than the sun and twice as carcinogenic._

_A moment later, no trace remained of Harry or his little stalker friend._

* * *

_**(Rendezvous)**__ (A/N: I REALLY hate how that word is spelled.)_

_Naturally, it hadn't taken long at all for Seimei to become bored with the Sanzo party's bizarre activities, and when they finally left—with Konran's stubborn group and Ichigo in tow—he had elected to stay behind._

_They had taken his "sister" Regina, but he didn't particularly care, as that girl was substantially annoying, and had a tendency to do things which would embarrass him in public._

_In any case, he couldn't have gone anyway, as he was obliged to wait for a special visitor. He stood quietly against a tree near the main road through the village and spotted a gradually expanding speck in the sky._

"_Ah, here she is," he sighed, relieved that his wait was over. There were far more interesting things he could be doing than standing in the snow and watching confused squirrels dig for their vittles._

_Within minutes, the speck became a large, flying beast, a dragon with a thirty-foot wingspan and iridescent green scales to be the envy of any iguana. Atop the lizard sat a stressed woman with short, windswept hair, glasses, and bright red cheeks from the icy winds high above. Some of her hair had frozen into dripping clumps, only worsening her appearance._

"_You look horrible," Seimei observed frankly, smirking when she threw him a glare._

"_Shut up. I can't believe Lady Koushu made me come on my own! She wouldn't even lend me a soldier or two!" She carried on along this vein with an indignant air, until Seimei at last held a hand up to keep her from wasting all of their time._

"_That's enough," he sighed. "I get the picture. Anyway, to report, the Sanzo Party left yesterday, Lirin is still missing, and Konran and Lydia are now enjoying a healthy sexual and emotional relationship. Er…well, actually, it's not healthy at all, since he cripples her every night, and she beats him up and emotionally attacks him as a result, but it's as healthy as I think they are capable of. It would be cute if it weren't so…bizarre." He shuddered slightly._

_Hwan stared at him for a long time, trying to come up with an appropriate response, before muttering tiredly, "You don't sound very convinced."_

"_Oh, don't get me wrong—they'll be together for a long time…but to think that psychotic rage could fuel love? Even I never could have imagined it."_

"_I see." The doctor looked around with a desolate glare, obviously dreading the task before her. "So…any signs of your brother?"_

_This seemed to sober the clone up rather quickly, resulting in a reply lacking any and all of his usual sardonic tone. "No sign at all. He should have gotten here by now—it's impossible to resist the draw of our genetic progenitors—but I haven't caught hide nor hair of him since I felt him escape."_

"_Well, he was the most developed of you all. I suppose we'll run into him at some point or another. Sooner would be for the best, but it's no use hoping for much." Thoughtfully, she ran several scenarios through her precise, scientific brain, but in the end came up with nothing particularly useful. "Him aside, what about Lirin?"_

_Seimei shrugged and kicked a pinecone at a squirrel's twitching tail, resulting in a flurry of snow and a frantic rodent, which quickly vanished up a tree. "Lirin is still being held hostage, though since Kon and Lyds are together, I'm not sure how much longer the goddess will keep her around. Kon's father, Ares went to get her yesterday, but nothing has happened yet."_

"_Ugh…then we have nothing useful at all?" She was understandably disappointed, as her life and career were on the line if she screwed it up._

"_Nada. Want some mocha?" He held up a mug he had brought with him, almost as a peace offering. "It's still hot."_

_The doctor eyed the container for a brief moment of suspicion, then broke down and gratefully took it. "Thanks."_

_Seimei smiled and nodded to the dragon. "Don't mention it. Let's get going after you've rested up for a bit, okay?"_

_She nodded absently, staring off towards the west. "Yes…the sooner the better."_

* * *

_**(Mount Olympus)**_

_Lirin stared blankly out the barred window, wondering what her brother was up to at that moment. Things were so boring when he wasn't around, and even more boring when she was being held hostage._

_She didn't feel all that threatened by Eris. The goddess spent more time avoiding the youkai Princess than hanging around the shadowy lair. However, that also added to the boredom issue. Watching the crystal was out—she'd had enough mental scarring for one lifetime—but it wasn't like there was anything else to do._

_Being alone was a pain in the ass. She was going to lose her mind if something didn't happen soon._

_In a fit of frustration, she snapped suddenly and screamed out into the blue sky, "SOMEONE COME AND PLAY WITH ME!"_

"_Huh…this isn't quite…what I had expected."_

_Surprised, Lirin yelped and spun around, nearly knocking over a jar of wicked-looking green liquid and scrambling to recover it before turning to the source of the voice._

_She blanched. There was enormous LUMBERJACK in the room!_

"_Paul Bunion!" she cried, torn between fear and madness._

_Ares frowned, somewhat injured that his mere appearance incited fear in small children. "My apologies, young miss, but I've been sent to get you out of this evil place. You know Lydia, right?"_

_The bafflement faded in increments, and Lirin said haltingly, "Lyd—Lydia? Lydia sent you? Wait! Who're __**you?!**__"_

_He smiled as harmlessly as he could manage. "I'm Ares, the God of War. Chaos—er, Konran, I think you call him—he's my somewhat estranged son."_

"_Son…Kon's your son? What?!" This news had a more startling effect than the god could ever have predicted._

"_What's wrong with that?" he asked, wondering to himself why everyone thought it was so damn bizarre._

_Clearly, she thought her surprise was perfectly sensible. "But…but you're __**huge!**__ Kon's a skinny guy compared to you, and he's tall, but you're, like…__**giant**__."_

_This wasn't going quite as well as the god had intended. Why were all these young'uns so suspicious of him? What happened to the days when people worshipped him and knew exactly who he was upon first glance? Was it really so much to ask for a little recognition?_

"_He takes after his mother," was his clipped reply, sitting on a chest and folding his enormous arms in exasperation. "Could we just, y'know, go now? Eris is a little creepy, if you get my drift."_

"_No, she's kinda nice. She gave me cookies." The girl smiled as though cookies could atone for even the most heinous of crimes, somewhat reminding Ares of his nephew, Yumoa. That boy was…special…_

"_Cookies do __**not**__ always mean good," he stated clearly, putting utmost emphasis on the "not" bit. "Look, kid, Chaos' mother is one of the most unpleasant, evil, conniving, __**insane **__women you will ever meet. She's not __**nice**__."_

"_Insane?" the Princess snorted in disagreement. "If you want insane, you gotta talk to Lyds. She's __**nuts**__. Besides, if Eris is that bad, then why'd you have a kid with her? Huh? Why?"_

_He grimaced as though this were the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him. "Okay, kid, here's a bit of advice for when you're all grown up: STAY AWAY FROM WINE. Nothing in the world is more dangerous. It makes you do crazy things, like sleep with Evil incarnate, or dance naked in a bar, or…uh…you can just use your imagination."_

_Lirin just stared, feeling that perhaps she should feel…something…but she wasn't sure what that was. "O-okay, then…"_

_Frowning, the god stood suddenly and cleared his throat loudly, "Er, anyway, your brother's real worried about you, so I think it's a good idea if you come with me. I'll take care of Kon's crazy mother."_

_She perked up in an instant. "Big brother?! Really?! Let's go!" Like greased lightning, she leapt up and landed nimbly on his shoulders. "C'mon, Big Daddy Ares! Let's go see my brother and baldy Sanzo!"_

_Though surprised at first, in the end, the god chuckled and shrugged. "Well, I guess it's not nice to keep your family waiting. Let's go, Lirin."_

"_Yaaaaaay! Let's go get some food!" she cheered, flailing her arms around in excitement._

_Grinning, he turned to leave, but came to a stop when he saw the trembling, enraged figure standing in his path._

"_What in the name of Hades are you doing in my house?!" growled Eris, her eyes emitting a poisonous green glow and her ebony hair floating lightly above her shoulders. Her glare was dangerous enough to frighten a tiger—no, a War God._

"_H-hi, Eris…long…long time n-no see!" He tried to sound lighthearted, but nothing was going to get through that madwoman's rage._

"_You bastard! How __**DARE **__you enter my lair without my permission?! You've tainted my very home!" Her eyes narrowed to slivers. "__**I'LL KILL YOU.**__"_

"_Ooookay, time to run," Ares said suddenly to Lirin._

"_What?!" the Princess demanded. "You're gonna run away?!"_

"_She's the Goddess of Chaos, and she's older than my dad, Zeus!" he defended, leaping for the window on surprisingly agile feet and kicking easily through the bars. "That madwoman is capable of things that could make entire nations fall to ruin! It's her fault that Rome's empire collapsed, and that Chaos grew up in my absurd sister's care! Honestly! Who in their right mind puts a handsome young boy in the grasp of the Goddess of Love?! She turned him into a…a…a bloody Casanova! I'm shocked that he's managed to find a (sort of) stable relationship with a girl!"_

"_Er…I'm sorry for your loss?"_

_He glanced at the sweatdropping youkai child, then at the wall of darkness chasing close behind. "We'll chat later. For now, surviving seems like a good idea," he muttered tightly._

* * *

**(On the Road—at Last) **(A/N: PRAISE MEEE! PRAISE MEEEE!!!) 

"So, we're just gonna follow Sanzo around until something happens?" I asked doubtfully, frowning ahead at the spray of snow which the Jeep sent flying into the air along these winding, insane roads.

Kon sighed at the wheel of the Land Rover and nodded glumly. "Unfortunately, my father's task with my mother has nothing to do with fixing Tokgenkyo's precarious dimensional instability, and we therefore have no other option than to follow Sanzo's group and hope we can gather more clues."

I turned to leer at him incredulously. "Then exactly how long do you plan on dragging yon she-bitch along for the ride, pray tell? Sure, kidnapping her unconscious body and leaving no loose ends is all well and good, but I don't trust her anywhere near you. Plus, the whole duffel bag thing makes me feel like I'm moving a corpse. Can't we just weigh it down at the bottom of a river? The Mafia's got some really good ideas, y'know. You should take a lesson from them."

"How merciful of you," he muttered dryly, focusing on the narrow, icy road which would take us only halfway through the damn mountains. "She would probably escape and cause even more mayhem for some unsuspecting village, and both Sanzo and I agreed that keeping the enemy under supervision was the safest method."

"Tch. You're just gonna keep her around as a substitute in case I'm not in the mood, you lecher. Gimme my gun back and I'll get rid of that eyesore right quick."

"Please stop making wild assumptions—and give me a little credit, at least. Only the real Lydia will satisfy me."

"Because you've tried everyone else…nympho."

His hands gripped the wheel a little harder than necessary as he forced himself not to rise to my bait. "If the fact truly disgusted you so, then you would not have allowed me into your bed, or accepted my proposal, or _anything_. I would still be at square one, dealing with an unresponsive and utterly ignorant young woman."

"You freaking _seduced _me!" I snapped in disbelief. "That's different than my making a logical and rational decision to give you permission! Plus, you locked me in the bathroom. That was cheating. What kind of evil bastard locks himself in a bathroom with a defenseless girl?" I made a repulsed face at him.

He gave me a scandalous grin and replied sweetly, "But it worked, and you said you love me, so I really have no problems with what I did to make you realize what you were already feeling. All I did was speed up the process."

"And caused irreparable system shock in the process! Not to mention the fact that it's been two days, and I'm still hurting. I demand payment. You're buying me Bioshock when we get home."

"Stop making me repeat myself. _You didn't tell me to stop._ How was I supposed to know?"

"**Don't defend youself!"** I cried angrily. "You ravished a _virgin!_ What the hell is so wrong with your brain that you thought I could handle _eight freaking times in a row_?!"

"Ah, but you enjoyed it. Hell, you threatened to strangle me to death if I stopped—"

"SHUT UP!" screamed a sudden, tortured voice from the back. "PLEASE! PLEASE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Frowning, I pulled my leather coat tighter around myself and looked back at Ichigo, who was bound in a cocoon of rope and looking more than a little stressed. "What's _your_ deal?"

"I don't need mental scarring on top of all the crap that's going on!" he snapped, his eyes wild as though he would resort to cannibalism at any moment to survive this desperate situation we had placed him in. "Talk about something else! _Anything else!_ I'll even help, but this is the third time you've started arguing about _that_, and I'm gonna go crazy!"

"It's just sex," I mumbled with an irritated grunt, turning back to the front and slouching. It was boring unless I was arguing with someone, and Kon was actually fun to argue with, since he wasn't a total moron.

Yumoa didn't argue…he played video games and generally ignored our existence, unless he was having one of those brief moments of lucidity—in which case, he was _too_ smart for us to have a decent, pointless argument. _Booooooriiiing._

"Then what do _you_ want to talk about, Ichi_-nii-san_?"

"How about telling me what the hell is going on? I've been kidnapped by people who call themselves gods, and that priest isn't right in the head! And the guy with the monocle is the scariest bastard I've ever seen! Then there's the kid who eats more than any human should be able to, and the weird antenna guy he argues with constantly. And this dude with the white hair…actually, I just don't get him." He frowned, blinking rapidly. "What kind of people are you guys?"

I chuckled. "Exactly what you just said. I'm the ringleader on the gods' side, and Sanzo's the merciless tyrant of the youkai side. It's very simple."

"Wait, you're just a human, right? Why are you leading gods?"

"Because Kon's supposed to be in charge, 'cause he's the God of Chaos and all, but his backbone is made of Jell-O. Someone has to keep him and his absurd cousin in check—that's the guy next to you who doesn't seem to know we exist." I frowned at Comedy, who was so absorbed in the PS2 that we could have crashed the car without his notice.

"Uhh…right. And that girl in the bag?"

A flash of anger snapped through me, and before I could stop myself, I whipped around and grabbed the front of his ensemble, glaring in a near-rage. "Speak not of yon she-bitch, lest thou incur my eternal wrath unto thee," I hissed poisonously.

"Lydia, please stop making Elizabethan death threats," sighed the chaos god. "I still don't understand your adamant urge to bring him along, and even less do I understand your disturbing tendency to complicate situations which are already as complicated as they can possibly be, but, at the very least, spare the kid his sanity."

"You speak well, Don Juan," I growled, releasing the startled _shinigami_ and resuming my seat to glare at the god.

He shrugged and gave me a sweet smile. "As pathetic as I am, I'm the only one who can tame you, and I gratefully accept the task. The only voice you listen to is the voice of REASON. It's smart to emulate that one."

"You promised to give Ryushi back to me. Do that, _then_ we'll converse rationally."

"Already did. It's at Ichigo's feet, next to his sword."

"It's called a _zanpakuto_, fool," I grouched, fishing around between the seats and eventually grasping hold of that familiar, fiber glass carrying case. "Ryushi!" I cheered in glee, pulling the case up front with me and unlatching it.

"I don't care if it's called a cheese grater," muttered Chaos. "Just be happy that I went against my sense of self-preservation and actually brought your accursed sword across for you." He looked into the rear-view mirror. "Kid, do you have _any_ idea at all how difficult love is? It's the most wonderful nightmare anyone can experience. I've been beaten, cursed, insulted, stabbed…think of something painful and she's probably done it to me. Yet, regardless of all that, I'm still trapped with her. If you know what's good for you, you'll become a monk."

"Like the crazy guy with the paper fan?"

Kon seemed horrified. "NO! Idiot! That's not a monk—that's a cold-blooded killer wearing a monk's robe."

"Why's he got a scripture, then?"

"Because the gods have a sick sense of humor," I said, shrugging and thinking fondly of Kannon. I wondered when I would get to see her again.

"Not all of us," defended the only slightly normal god in the vehicle.

"You're the last sane man in the universe, Kon. You don't count."

He pouted. "Well, I love you, too."

"Silence, or I'll run you through."

"Yes ma'am."

"Damn straight."

"You're _all_ insane."

"Shut up, carrot top. I'm just _clinically_ insane. It's only criminally insane if I go around serial-killing people."

"Hey, you do that a lot in this dimension."

"Again, silence ass-hat. Ours is the only dimension of importance."

"I'm sure Ichigo disagrees. Right, kid?"

"Really, I have no idea what the hell is going on."

"Ah, true, but you get used to it after a while."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

* * *

_**(The Sanzo Party)**_

"_I don't think it's a good idea to leave that kid alone with Lyds and Kon," muttered Gojyo, glancing over his shoulder and trying to see what was going on through the Land Rover's glare-obscured windshield. "It can't be healthy to get that much crazy-exposure all at once." He thought he saw a sword flash through the glare, but brushed the thought away. No, they wouldn't do anything **that** crazy…he hoped._

_Poor boy was doomed._

"_Lydia was acting like he was a friend," countered the monkey, who had somehow located the secret food stash and was trying to inconspicuously chew on a sweet bean bun. "She won't hurt a friend."_

"_Tell that to Kon. That poor bastard would be dead by now if he weren't immortal."_

_Goku blinked in realization. "Huh…good point."_

"_Oh, don't be so pessimistic," Hakkai chided with one of his trademark creepy laughs. "They're probably enjoying themselves."_

"_They wrapped him in fifty feet of rope and stashed him with the unconscious Lydiclone," Gojyo replied, deadpan. "I seriously doubt their intentions."_

_Sanzo made a noncommittal noise somewhere between a grunt and a snort while nursing a cigarette. "If we're lucky, they'll get lost and we'll never have to deal with them ever again." He still hadn't forgiven them for driving him to drink until he was comatose. Naturally, he begrudged the gods just a little._

"_That would be unfortunate," monocle pointed out. "If they got lost, then there's a good chance that our world would collapse in on itself."_

_The monkey nodded in agreement. "Yeah, at least Kougaiji's here. Now we're not gonna get attacked every five miles like before. It was fun for a while, but then it got kinda annoying."_

"_I for one wouldn't mind a chance to shoot something right about now."_

_Unfortunately, Sanzo's wish came true. Just as they rounded a bend in the twisting forest road, a harried figure came dashing out of the trees and into the road. Hakkai immediately slammed on the brakes, throwing everyone into whatever object was directly in front of them and sending the Jeep swerving across black ice and hard-packed snow. There was a small **thump**, and a moment later the vehicle came to a screeching stop on the shoulder._

_Konran was not nearly so vigilant, as he was busy trying not to get stabbed for an explicit comment he'd unwisely made only moments earlier. By the time he saw the danger ahead, it was too late, and the Land Rover went hurling completely past the bend and into the dense woods, like an enormous, mechanical beast fleeing into the wild. The off-road vehicle wove madly around several trees before at last stopping only inches away from a trunk about six feet in diameter._

_While Lydia had a fit and endangered the lives of everyone in the SUV with Ryushi's vengeful, razor-sharp blade, the Sanzo party, meanwhile, staggered dizzily out of the Jeep and thanked their lucky stars that Hakkai had not yet ended their own lives._

"_Fucking **HELL**, Hakkai!" screamed the monk, waving the banishing gun in the placid ex-man's face. "If you don't figure out how to goddamn drive, I'll put a bullet through your head and drive **myself**!"_

"_For once I agree with the pissy priest," Gojyo panted, clutching at his chest with one hand while the other supported him against the side of the Jeep. "Shit, I thought we were goners!"_

"_Now, now, Sanzo, Gojyo. It's not my fault that someone came running into the middle of the road so suddenly," reasoned the youkai. "We should just be thankful that nobody got hurt."_

"_Actually, you're wrong," Goku called. The three of them paused in their routine Hakkai-driving-skills-bash and turned to see what the monkey was babbling on about._

_Gojyo caught sight of the motionless lump on the ice next to a long row of skid marks and frowned. "'The hell?"_

_Successfully diverted, they approached their victim and gathered in a loose circle to stare at what appeared to be a young man in his mid-teens, wearing a red, woolen sweater and jeans. He had an odd scar on his forehead, and some feet away lay a pair of cracked spectacles in an out-of-date design._

_There was an unnerving pool of blood leaking from a cut on his temple._

"_He's still breathing," murmured Hakkai, bending down to check the boy's pulse. "We must have blindsided him."_

"_**YOU** must have blindsided him," corrected Sanzo, taking a last drag on his cigarette before tossing the butt into the snow with a hiss. "I didn't do shit, and these two couldn't drive themselves out of a wet paper bag."_

"_I seem to remember driving your sorry, poisoned ass back to the village after the scorpion-bitch put you out of commission," Gojyo seethed, suddenly pissed at the universe in general._

"_Funny," countered the monk. "I thought you passed out in the middle of the desert and nearly killed us all. Some kid had to come get us."_

"_That's because Hakuryu couldn't go any further!"_

"_Gentlemen, please!" Hakkai said in exasperation, turning the boy over and holding his hands over the wound. "I need to concentrate if I'm going to get this right."_

_Sanzo frowned at the comatose kid and wondered briefly why comas were so damn popular all of a sudden. "I don't care if he **explodes**. Just get us out of here before the idiots wise up and try to find us."_

_Hakkai shot him a serious frown. "You're not helping."_

_He blinked, then caught himself and shrugged it off, stalking back towards the Jeep. "Whatever. Do what you want."_

_However, respite was not so easily gained in this world of demons and gods, and, as misfortune would have it, just when Sanzo reached the idling Jeep, a familiar outlandish character stepped out from the brush to block his way._

"_We meet again, Sanzo priest," chuckled the glow-eyed youkai in what some might have considered a mysterious voice._

_To the monk, though, it was just another buzzing fly. "You again? How many times, exactly, do I have to flush before you go away?"_

_Zakuro's eyes widened perceptibly at the insult. "How dare you mock me! I shall show you a world of unending pain and madness!"_

_Before Sanzo could avert his gaze, the sphere of darkness enclosed him. A moment later he found himself standing in a…_

"_What in the hell is this?!" he demanded, finally shocked at something for once in his life._

_Zakuro stood only a few feet away, wearing the same expression of confusion and irritation. "That is what I would like to know!"_

_There was no unending pain in what they saw. Neither was there any madness—other than the very concept of what they were seeing, of course. _

_The youkai's precious bone-field had been replaced by an abomination of style. In place of eerie femur torches, there stood elegant, wispy candelabras of silver and gold in ivy filigree. In place of the hills of skulls there sprouted fields upon fields of brightly-colored tulips. Some distance away, a windmill twirled lazily in the sweet, balmy breeze. Even closer, they could have sworn—yet refused to admit to themselves or each other—that there was a young girl in a blue bonnet and petticoat prancing through the flowers hand-in-hand with a young boy in brown britches, white stockings, a waistcoat, and a beret._

_This was not Zakuro's usual illusion, needless to say. Somehow, a Dutch landscape had sneaked its way into his precious, meticulously crafted illusion._

"_Dammit, I give up," he growled, muttering a dispassionate command under his breath and bringing them both back to the more mentally sound snow scene._

"_Sanzo!" shouted the monkey, spotting his master with the disillusioned youkai. He sprinted over, materializing his Nyoi-bo and leaping between the two of them. "You bastard! What're ya doin' to Sanzo!"_

"_Shut up, monkey—you're noisy," Sanzo grumbled in irritation. "He can't do jack shit."_

"_Huh?" Confused at the monk's relaxed posture, he looked to Zakuro. "What happened?"_

_Depressed, the youkai threw his "candy man" hat onto the ground and sat abruptly in the snow. "This wretched dimensional instability is beginning to affect even our thoughts. My powers have been rendered virtually useless."_

"_Unless you like flowers, I guess," muttered Sanzo as e drew out a Marlboro and lit up to push back the impending rage._

"_F-flowers?" This only baffled the young Sage even more, and he looked back and forth in curiosity between the two of them, but neither gave any indication that they would discuss what had just happened. The cudgel vanished in the wake of his hesitation._

_Figuring that the enemy had been rendered pretty much impotent, Sanzo caught Goku's gaze and nodded towards Hakkai and Gojyo. "They having any luck?"_

"_Hakkai stopped the bleeding, but he's still not wakin' up. He said the shock must've knocked him out worse thatn actually getting hit."_

"_Dammit. More delays." Figuring that this would take awhile, the priest got back into the Jeep and settled down. "Wake me whenever we can finally get going."_

"_Uh…'kay." Goku sighed and sat down as well, casting uneasy glances at the seemingly morose Zakuro. "Hey, you okay?"_

"_Of course I'm not okay!" he snapped. To think that he'd gone through so much trouble to obtain a black jumper and inconspicuous van to kidnap that magic-wielding boy for Lady Koushuu. What was the point if his illusions didn't work at all in that dimension, or work properly in this one? "I was so powerful! My Lady trusted me with so many important missions! Now I'm completely useless! A loser!" _

_It should be said, however, that this was the least of Zakuro's worries. In reality, his illusions had corrupted his own judgement as surely as they had corrupted the judgement of everyone he'd ever captured with his eyes. Had he known better, he would have realized that he had always been a bit of a loser, and that the only thing saving him from the chopping block was the fact that Lady Koushuu did indeed require his services when charming masses of discontented minions. However, the illusion made him happy, and that was what mattered._

_The monkey and the loser sat quietly after the latter's outburst, pondering food and deluded dreams._

* * *

**(Impromptu Off-Roading)**

I gripped Kon by the front of his shirt and held the blade to his jugular in a blind rage, cursing myself for ever thinking that maybe, just _**maybe**_, he'd be cured of his horrifyingly embarrassing habits after I finally gave into his advances.

Ye gods, was I wrong!

"Yet again you prove that your brain resides lower than your cranial cavity," I growled through bared teeth, nicking his skin and sending a thin trickle of blood down his neck. "You picked a hell of a moment to make that apparent, ass-hat. How do you intend to atone for your atrocities?"

"Er…I love you?" he fished blindly with a log and a piece of gum wrapped around the end of a rope.

My eyes narrowed. "You should know by now that your tricks are useless against me. I've lived with you long enough to develop an immunity, you virus! Pick a better option."

He smiled helplessly. "Well, there's always this, I suppose." In a burst of soot and confetti, he vaporized into a million bits and suddenly reappeared on the other side of the glass.

I was going to stab him until there was nothing left but minced meat and shattered bone.

"Get back in here and drive us the hell out of the woods!" I commanded.

He shook his head and pointed at Ryushi. "Put the sword away or I'm not getting in!" he called through the glass.

Bastard.

Cursing profusely in my ire, I set Ryushi aside and slipped over the console, then turned the key, put the Land Rover in gear, and hit the gas. The massive, three-ton vehicle flew back under about a billion foot-pounds of torque to tackle the rough ground. Then, with a quick maneuver Rafe had showed me back in the day, I slammed on the brakes as I turned sharply and slam-shifted, spinning the thing around in a single sweep and peeling away before the god could even blink.

I caught a brief glimpse of Kon's surprised face as I tore through the woods and left him behind. The slalom had always been my best skill in drivers' ed., and I at last had a chance to put the knowledge to good use as I wove around tree after tree, rumbling over logs and stones and just generally wreaking all kinds of havoc on the ecosystem.

Within seconds I spotted the road ahead, and shifted again to pick up speed and race diagonally over a natural ramp, which sent the SUV, the terrified Ichigo, the inattentive Yumoa, and my own manic self flying over the ditch along the roadside. The wheels hit the road and I had a split-nanosecond to slam-shift again and brake hard, compensating for the black ice with what little horizontal inertia I had gathered and spinning the Land Rover three hundred and sixty degrees. Once in the clear, I turned into the spin and corrected my trajectory, coming to a sudden halt while the engine growled like a feral beast.

I could get used to this. Most people would have overbalanced a spin and sent the entire thing rolling, but Rafe had explained that a heavy enough vehicle could handle the rough handling. Land Rovers were _fun_.

_**POOF!**_

Kon appeared suddenly in the passenger's seat, and grabbed my by the shoulders in apparent fear. "Lydia, don't ever scare me like that again!" he shouted, pulling me into his arms before I could react and burying me in his warmth.

Suddenly, I wasn't so annoyed. Damn the ass-hat.

Sighing, I relented and returned the hug. "My bad."

He relaxed and slipped back enough to cup my chin in his hand and kiss my lips sweetly, then pressed his forehead to mine and murmured breathlessly, "You're mortal. Don't ever forget that. I've only just reached you—don't make me lose you so quickly."

Damn him for making me feel guilty. I sank against his warmth and rested my cheek against his shoulder, staring wistfully into the distance…then gasped and jerked away.

"What?" he asked, unnerved and probably thinking that I was going to try to take his head again.

"Ichigo!" I said by way of explanation, diving into the back seat and lifting—with some effort—the substitute shinigami off of the floor to set him back in the seat. We hadn't put any seatbelts on him, but we also hadn't known that we'd go rally racing anytime in the immediate future.

His eyes were open, but couldn't seem to focus on anything in particular. "Make it stop…" I thought I heard him croak before his lids fell. A minute later and he was snoring peacefully.

"Oops," I muttered.

Kon rolled his eyes at me and nodded outside. "Buckle him in and leave him. Let's go see what cause this whole ordeal. Yumoa! Keep vigilant watch, got it?"

Comedy didn't look away from the flip-down screen, but he did give a proper military salute. "Yessir!"

"Come on, Lydia."

After strapping Ichigo tightly into his seat and making sure that there were no muffled noises coming from the duffel bag, I followed Kon out with Ryushi in hand, intent on giving the culprit a lesson in proper crossing safety.

However, the vengeful feelings faded when Kon, caught my hand and tugged me over to wrap his arm around my waist.

Dammit. What good was a sword if it couldn't give me back my dignity?

In the end, I sighed and hooked the guard in a belt loop; my will to destroy crushed under the weight of Kon's affection.

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

Personally, my favorite bit is the first bit, when Zakuro is trying to kidnap _Harry Potter_, of all the random, absurd people. I giggled like a complete idiot while writing that.

I'm not going to apologize for being late this time around. Why? Well, because if I had posted any sooner, this chapter would have turned out as a pile of utter crap, that's why.

Actually, I wrote seven chapters of one of my books, and three-point-five chapters for another book, during my time away from you. Console yourselves with the thought that, because of your wait, you might sooner see my penname on bookstore shelves all across the world.

Fear not—I will send a special dedication to all of my FFNet readers, for they have helped me improve my skills greatly. X)

Love you guys!! Until next chapter!

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	20. Absurdity: It Tastes Like Chicken

**The Sequel: Chapter XX (Current Mood: Chipper!)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Why is this first part so screwy? Well, it's because I've been reading Don Quixote. It's an excellent read, for those of you who are so inclined to take on the challenge. Cervantes is really subtle with the humor. I've never both loved and disdained any character so much as I love and disdain Don Quixote._

_Therefore, the first bit is an experiment of mine: Chaucer-style with Vernacular dialog. (nod-nod) Reads like a hillbilly knight-errant on acid._

_The rest is my usual madness, though I must add that the peanut bit trumps the rest, followed closely by the thing with Harry. (evil, sadistic laugh) Oh, I'm a **bad** person._

_Oh, and I haven't read the last HP book yet, so don't tell me who dies or anything, 'cause I'm taking liberties with my ignorance for the time being. (I have the book, and I've read the first chapter, but it was depressing so I decided to read Christopher Moore's A Dirty Job instead. I must say that Charlie Asher is now one of my favorite people ever.)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Eyeliner is shorthand for demonic possession."—K-chan, commenting on movie clichés_

"_If you're going out in search of a prehistoric dino-bird, for safety's sake, you should always bring along at least one member of a reggae band."—Host-man, _Destination: Truth

"_So my primary goal in life is to push a psychiatrist to the brink of insanity! Is that so wrong?"—me, to my parents_

* * *

_**Absurdity: It Tastes Like Chicken**_

_**(Midget v. The God of War)**_

"_You know, you're kind of lame for a god."_

_Ares turned from the tiny crack in the wall of collapsed stone, which he had created to cloister the little youkai and himself within a random cave at the foot of Olympus. For the moment, Eris was nowhere to be seen, but he could feel her raging presence nearby like a chill wind brushing up the back of his neck. That goddess was a beast indeed._

_He frowned at Lirin. "Don't talk to me as if you were my sister."_

"_I don't care if I'm talking like your __**uncle**__!" she snapped. "That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen!"_

"_I could just as well move these rocks and give you back." Kids these days! Where was the respect?_

"_At least Eris was cooler. She scared the crap outta ya." Spitefully, she stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry._

_The great and powerful God of War stood nonplussed, uncertain as to whether he should or should not defend his pride. 'Twas not often that one came across such blatantly blasphemous characters. A good part of him wanted to test her mettle, whereas the other part just wanted to let it go._

"_What? Got nothing to say to that, huh?" Lirin pressed on. "You gonna defend yourself or not?"_

"_Shut up, brat, or I'll let you give Cerberus his weekly bath!" Hades was not guaranteed to agree to that, but the God of the Underworld was well renowned for being a fiercely cynical bastard. The prospect of having a child bathe his three-headed monster dog would just tickle him pink. Hades hated doing it. Cerberus hated baths even more. Those who attempted the feat often met horrifying ends. Fortunately, Hades was immortal, though that did not necessarily imply that he enjoyed being rent asunder like so much squeaky burger._

_Yet Lirin remained unmoved, and gave the dishonored god a hard countenance. 'Twas not often that she felt so robbed of her expectations, but this matter with Ares cut particularly deep. Konran had always held rather high standing with the child, as he had both dispatched his sister and protected his equivalent all at the risk of his own life, all without fearing the path ahead._

_Konran's father, however…_

_Well, needless to say, she could well see from whence the Chaos god's tenacity had originated, for the source clearly was not the enormous disappointment before her._

_Hmph-ing in disdain, she turned away and glared at a stone, wishing her brother were there to ease the unrest in her mind. "I wanna go home," she uttered._

_Espying her malcontent, Aries' will crumbled, and with a heaving sigh offered a hand to the minute child. "Let's go, then, kid. I'll catch hell if Eris catches me, but I still wouldn't want to disappoint my future daughter-in-law."_

_This piqued the girl's curiosity, who, while taking the proffered hand, asked in all seriousness, "You're talkin' 'bout Lyds, arent'cha?"_

"_Who else?" demanded the god, frowning at the stone barrier and judging the warring goddess' distance as well as he could. It seemed they were safe for the moment, but hastened nonetheless, as Eris was Chaos incarnate, mother of Konran, and inciter of all things not-so-good. Her path could change at the drop of a kerchief, thus raining upon them all the flames of misfortune._

_Standing to her feet and afterwards springing onto the god's back, Lirin responded, "Well, I dunno. It's just…well, it's kinda weird. Lydia spends all her time fightin' Kon, like they're enemies or somethin'. Sure, they're nice to each other, too, but I never thought they'd get __**married**__."_

"_Chaos has been obsessed with her for many years. It's really not all that surprising." Bracing himself for imminent hardship, Ares shoved the stones away and took to flight, as quickly as his godly powers could carry the child and himself. "Besides, I like her style. My idiot of a son can't screw up if she's his mistress. He'll pay with his life if he crosses her."_

_The youkai Princess frowned, her arms wrapped around a corded neck the likes of which were scarcely seen anywhere, other than within the steroid-augmented pages of a men's fitness magazine._

_The god would attest, however, that his musculature was one hundred percents natural, though gossip never ceased to speak the contrary._

_Lirin could find no fault with the god's account of Lydia's inherent madness, and thus nodded sagely. "Yep, Lyds is nuts. Kon's gonna be in big trouble if she ever catches him doin' something bad."_

_Ares gave a modest laugh, and, upon seeing the shrieking, boiling mass of darkness at their rear, put on a burst of speed and muttered in amusement, "Well, she's saving me the trouble of doing it myself, kid. Now, let's take you back to were you belong."_

* * *

_**(Protecting Scarface)**_

_Halfway to the scene of the accident, Lydia realized that she had forgotten to tell Yumoa something of "dire importance", and told Konran to go on ahead while she rushed back to complete the Comedy god's orders._

_Pausing only momentarily to wonder at what she could possibly have to tell the barefoot idiot, Konran sighed and hooked his thumbs in his pockets, figuring that deviation from the set path would probably end in some kind of disaster. He walked up to the gathered Sanzo party and hoped that she would one day regain her sanity. However much the dangerous relationship excited him, someone had been __**hit by a car**__, and still her priorities were skewed at best. A little bit of concern for the probably-crippled was all he asked for. There was a good chance that he would be treated in the same manner if he were the one in peril, and the thought made him feel all the more eager to rectify her priorities._

_However, his hoping session fell short upon spotting a familiar, outrageously-dressed figure sitting on a nearby log and…moping?_

"_Er, this may sound kind of stupid, but that's Zakuro, right? Why is he wearing a jumpsuit?" he asked Gojyo, who had stepped away for a bit to have a smoke and give Hakkai room to work._

_The kappa opened one eye, glanced to the lamenting youkai, then closed it again as he nodded grimly. "Yep. Seems his illusions were invaded by Holland. He's more sensitive than I'd've thought. I don't know why he's wearing that getup."_

_Holland? What?! "Why do you insist on entangling my already broken mind? How, in the name of Hera, did Holland invade an __**illusion**__?" demanded Chaos, wondering if perhaps the disease of madness were having another go at them all._

_Gojyo just shrugged. "I dunno. That's what he said, and Sanzo won't talk about it, so we only have that fruitcake to believe. Is it just me or is the shit finally hitting the fan? Now we're dealing with wizards and whatever. What's next? Vampires? Werewolves? Godzilla?"_

_After a long moment to stare silently at the water sprite, Konran muttered flatly, "I'm not going to ask how you know about Holland or Godzilla. I'll simply assume that it's a very popular movie in this realm. However, I have to ask what you mean by 'wizards' and what have you. You're kidding, right?"_

"_Nope. That's what the kid said he was. He thinks Zakuro's a wizard too, but he's way off on that one. Zakuro's just some weird drama queen. Kid keeps going on about Volkswagens or whatever the hell he's talking about."_

_Volkswagens? __**(1)**__ Konran's brain was going to melt into a puddle of thick, sticky goo. Instead of asking for further explanation, he decided to leave Gojyo alone and see for himself what this was all about._

_Bad idea._

_In truth, Harry Potter was fortunate that Konran figured it out so quickly, though the god had never read the books. (He preferred audio tapes, the illiterate son of a...erhem.) Sensing danger to the child's life, Konran quickly went to interrogate the boy. Hakkai was reluctant to stress the young man so soon after being hit by a Jeep, but easily let it go upon hearing of the dangers to the boy's life._

_Harry was sitting on a blanket and sipping slowly from a thermos of hot mocha, the scar plain as day on his forehead, and the ever-so-scorned BC __**(2)**__ lenses placed crookedly obvious upon his nose._

_He was drinking mocha. Lydia was going to tear him limb from limb in an attempt to recover her precious nectar._

"_Hakkai…" ventured the god, focusing on the boy, but speaking to the healer. "It may not be my place to question your healing skills, but do you really think it's a good idea to dip into Lydia's private stash without telling her?"_

"_I'm sure she'll be fine with it," Hakkai responded with a smile to make Death weep._

_An involuntary shudder gripped Kon's spine, but, pressing onward, turned to the boy and asked carefully, "You're Harry Potter, aren't you?"_

_Harry's eyes widened in suspicion and fear, for that was how he was accustomed to responding when inquired of his name, especially by strange people with strange powers. Though how he might come to the conclusion that Konran had any powers at all, having met him only now, this author can merely conjecture. _

"_Er, yeah, I am." He tried to smile, but only managed to grimace like a cornered macaque._

"_How do you know him?" Hakkai wondered aloud to the god, obviously surprised._

_Kon narrowed his eyes in heavy thought, staring into the ether as though gathering himself to declare war on national television. "That doesn't matter at the moment. For now, we have to protect him from a horrifying fate. I'll explain later, but could you first bring me some of the Oreo cookies and a magic marker?"_

_This was an odd request. Hakkai was certain that, in such situations, a magic marker and cookies would do little to protect a person. However, he did as requested, and soon after handed the implements over to the determined God of Chaos._

_Satisfied with the quality of the products, Konran turned to Harry and, frowning sternly, said with utter conviction. "Your name is no longer Harry Potter, and, if you value your life, you'll maintain that lie until you are certain that you will never see us again."_

* * *

**(Discerning the Obvious)**

Once certain that Yumoa had undertaken the task I had put before him, I headed over to where Konran and Hakkai were speaking with the now-healed victim of vehicular attempted-homicide. Having seen many dead bodies in my relatively short life—not excluding those of my parents, siblings, and Rafe—I had been prepared for the worst. However, what I met with was neither a dead body, nor any sort of human being I had ever seen.

"We ran over a Rastafarian," I muttered in disbelief as I spotted the victim from some yards away. Shaking my head, I approached the trio and, upon closer inspection, decided to reevaluate my eyesight. Perhaps LASIK surgery wasn't much help after all. Sure, I didn't need glasses anymore, but what did that matter when it made me hallucinate Chinese Rastafarians? "Yo, ass-hat, who's this?"

Kon turned suddenly, as if startled, but gave me innocent eyes and said too-brightly, "Lydia, this is Diego Sanchez! He's from a neighboring village."

"But he's Black," I pointed out, frowning hard at the grease-stained face before me. Somehow, I doubted that mechanics were in such high demand in these parts. "Also, his beard needs a good washing…and that hair…I don't know what the hell can fix that, 'cause either he's never seen soap or aliens have tampered with his DNA." I didn't feel it necessary to also add that his sweater sported the name HARRY in large, gold block letters on a red backdrop.

"Don't be silly!" Chaos argued, patting the confused-looking young man on the shoulder and smiling almost idiotically.

Honestly, if he had wanted to fool me, he'd have been better off substituting a dancing chimpanzee.

Faster than he could react, I had the god by his lapels, urged to his knees by the force of the pull, so that I glowered down at his upturned face. "I'll give you to the count of ten to tell me the truth, or I _**will**_ castrate you, shave your head, and drop you to the bottom of the Mariana Trench in cement shoes. One."

"Princess, really, it's nothing to be so concerned about!"

"Say that when your manhood's missing. _Two._"

"Lydia, this is a little much, don't you think?" Hakkai attempted.

"Nope. Some people need their hair threatened before they'll give up. _THREE."_

Kon knew I wasn't kidding. I _had_ twisted the blade on purpose after the…oops, memory block.

Odd.

"_**Four.**_"

"You won't do it!" declared the god in a fit of idiocy.

I twirled Ryushi into action, placing the hooked edge right between his legs. "Try me. I'm game. **AND WHY IS HE DRINKING MY MOCHA?!"**

"Hakkai did it!" he defended helplessly, his knees shaking at the thought of what I was ready and willing and able to do to him.

"Well, I'm blaming you for that as well, then._** FIVE.**_"

"What kind of logic is that?!"

I gave him a poignant look. "Hakkai's scary. _**SIX.**_"

"So you're just going to castrate the man you love for something you _know_ he didn't do?!" he shrieked when I nudged his family jewels with the tip of the hook.

"Precisely. _**SEVENEIGHTNINETEN!**_"

"OKAY! Okay, it's Harry Potter!" he cried shrilly, fearing for his virility and instinctively protecting it at the expense of a child's life. "We drew on him with magic marker and made him wear an Oreo beard and dreadlocks!"

I blinked. "Like in the pizza commercial **(3)**?"

He nodded vigorously. "Now, would you please guarantee my safety?!"

As sick as it was, I kind of liked it when he was scared. Apparently, I was a natural-born sadist. After a thought, I withdrew the sword and let go of his hair, patting it in praise. "Good boy. See? That wasn't worth the threat, was it?"

Before he could give me a retort to match the irritation in his eyes, I bent down and planted a soft kiss on his lips, then while he (and the rest of the world, apparently) was frozen in shock and confusion, I turned to the nervous kid in red.

"Harry Potter."

He blinked. "Yes?"

"I really hate you."

This, clearly, was not the conversation he had expected. Most likely, he had envisioned fireballs and bolts of lightning bearing down on his helpless form. "I…I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me. You're such a little bitch, you know that? I mean, ye gods, get out of your emo loop and start being a man about it! Chess? What in the _hell?!_ And come on, the whole kidnapped-by-V-meister thing? That lame-ass wand can't possibly be the only thing you've got in your repertoire! Carry a sword or a gun or something! You step into _every freaking trap!_ It's only common sense to go armed. If you suck at magic, just get good at killing stuff the normal way, DUH."

He looked like a bovine caught in the teleporter lights of an alien craft. "Ex-excuse me? But that's…what on…muggle weapons won't work on—"

I cut him off with a raised fist, and he flinched away, searching his pockets for his twig and finding himself wanting. "Don't you dare call it that!" I growled, slapping the flat of Ryushi's blade against my palm. "Smith & Wesson is an honorable manufacturer, and you ain't gangsta if'n you don't gotsa nine!"

It was more than obvious now that he had come to the realization that I was not right in the head, and neither did I claim to the contrary. "I'm really sorry for whatever it was that I did to offend you, but I am certain that I cannot carry a firearm due to age restrictions, and a sword would be rather obvious."

I frowned. "So? I carry mine all the time. See?" I waggled Ryushi in his face.

"Uh, well, there are police where I come from, you see, and they don't take kindly to minors with weapons of that sort." He explained slowly, the way a camper would calmly talk to a bear on a food raid.

"You're still a pansy. Your character needs development, and, frankly, Malfoy has seen much more than you have."

This finally seemed to get through to him, and he stood straighter in indignation. "Impossible! I've gone through plenty of development!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Puberty don't count, kid. 'Ooooh, you kissed a girl! I dub thee a man!' HELL NO. You're just using all that pent-up resentment you've always had."

"What about all the adventures?!" he demanded outright. (It must be noted, again, that he still looked like "Diego Sanchez, the Rastafarian", and thus appeared more ridiculous than most things I had ever seen.) "I've nearly died several times!"

"I've fought—and/or killed—zombies, cyborg mutant youkai, insane gods, good gods, _and_ the voices in my head—and got a ton of creepy/cool scars in the process. All you got is that itty-bitty lightning bolt on your forehead." Mockingly, I poked at his head and grinned evilly.

At last, Hakkai decided that I'd done enough, and chided amiably, "Lydia, I don't think this is very productive. Why do you bear such a grudge, anyway?"

Kon awoke from his joyous stupor in time to explain for me: "She reads the books, and enjoys the books, but all the while she's cursing and yelling and demanding recompense for all of the disappointments and outrages she comes across. It's fascinating to watch, actually. Her bitterness towards Harry here is the worst. She feels that his status as main character is overshadowed by his utterly pathetic demeanor."

Hakkai wanted to understand what was going on—and tried very hard to do just that—but he'd never heard of, and, as a consequence, had never read through the fifth book and felt the total and complete rage which had possessed me at the time.

Once you kill off my favorite character, you are dead to me. I refused to read any further.

"Still, is it really Harry's fault?" wondered the Monopoly Man.

"I'll blame him for Bubonic Plague if I have the inclination," I muttered in reply, glaring poison-dart frogs at the wizard-in-training.

"Lydia, please at least _try_ to act like a normal person around strangers," Konran sighed.

"Normal is overrated and boring. I'd rather be a psychopath any day."

"I don't think that's something you can choose," Hakkai said slowly, his smile slipping towards worry.

Regardless, I arced Ryushi through the air and aimed the point at Harry's throat, narrowing my eyes and growling coldly, "I wasted almost eighty bucks on your mind-numbing, pansy ass. I demand recompense!"

"Oookay, time to calm down." Suddenly, I found myself being tugged away from Rastafarian Harry and placed before a familiar face. "Play nice, you two."

As Gojyo took a slow step back, I stared in barely-contained glee at the jumper-wearing youkai. "Zakuro!" I cried in excitement. (A/N: How short can one's attention span become?!)

He blinked, then looked around, then back at me. "Do I know you?"

"Nope!"

Conversation seemed to reach an impasse at my response, and in an attempt to get it going again, I asked slowly, "So, um, why the gloomy face?" Curious, I sat down next to him on the snowy log.

There was nothing about him that I didn't like. I needed more friends like him. You know--delusional, strange, _hilarous_.

After a bit of prodding, I finally broke through, and he began to relate the story of how he had ended up kidnapping Harry Potter. Gojyo had been wise to distract me as such. It seemed they were all learning the trick to thwarting my homicidal attempts...but I had plenty of time to kill Harry later. For now I was listening to Zakuro.

* * *

_**(Comedy Central) **_**(4)**

"_Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo! Ichigo!"_

"_**WHAT?!**__"_

_The substitute shinigami snapped like a toothpick tower and turned as well as he could to glare at Yumoa, who had somehow restrained him in a chair not unlike the one from __A Clockwork Orange__ when Alex was forced to watch evil videos. Lydia's orders had been fairly simple:_

_Make Ichigo watch "The Princess Bride". In her mind, nothing was better for cheering a person up._

_However, Ichigo was tied to a chair with calipers on his eyelids and Chinese water torture droppers keeping his eyes from shriveling in the cold, dry air. This was hardly conducive to "cheering up" a person--but made sure that Yumoa could do whatever he wanted without having to check up on the kid every three seconds._

"_I'm going outside to see what everybody's doin', 'kay?" the Comedy god informed him with a bright smile, seemingly ignorant of the fact that he was putting a young man through some serious torment. It wasn't the movie's fault--it was an excellent film. The only problem was the chair and the calipers._

_Ichigo didn't have a chance to respond. Comedy abandoned him immediately after declaring his intentions. (A/N: Wow, ditched him pretty quick, there.)_

_Outside, Yumoa padded barefoot through several inches of snow and ice to stop by Hakkai, who was trying to calm Harry down after the revelation that the magic marker had, in actuality, been an industrial-strength Sharpie. The boy was not happy that he would have to play the part of a black man named Diego Sanchez for longer than anticipated. "Hey, Hakkai! Anything I can do?"_

_The healer looked up momentarily. "Oh, hello. If you don't mind, there's some acetone in one of the Jeep's bags. Could you go get it for me? I picked up the wrong marker by mistake."_

"_Okie dokie." Honestly, Hakkai could have asked him to go on a quest to find the Holy Grail, the Fountain of Youth, and Sasquatch...and Yumoa would have done exactly that--no questions asked--and would have succeeded as well._

_Unfortunately, Yumoa's mission was jeopardized by Sanzo, who had fallen asleep in the back with the supply bag as a makeshift pillow._

_He knew to be wary of the angry monk. It was rare to find people who were immune to his powers, but Sanzo was almost certainly one of them._

_Practicing his greatest stealth abilities, the clever god crept up behind the monk, took a deep breath, reached out to grab hold of the duffel bag's handle..._

_...and screamed at the top of his lungs, as though Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Meyers, Samara, Kayako, and every other monster, ghost, and ghoul ever created for the sake of frightening small children had appeared in his underwear drawer. It was so loud that a murder of crows roosting in the surrounding trees took to the air, only adding to the racket._

_To say the least, Sanzo panicked. He jerked upright in uncharacteristic surprise and whipped the banishing gun out, sighting it on the god within three nanoseconds._

"_What the fuck are you doing?!" he demanded in a rage._

"_I need the acetone. Hakkai sent me."_

_The monk merely stared. A moment passed and he pulled the hammer back. "Get the hell away from me."_

"_There's a monkey in the tree."_

_The "Princess Bride" rhyme game reference was entirely lost on the irate priest. "What are you rambling __**now?**__"_

"_I've always wanted to own a cow."_

"_I want you to go away."_

"_I'd really like to stay and play."_

"_Leave or I'll shoot you in the gut!"_

"_Anybody want a peanut?"_

_Sanzo snapped like a Pringle potato crisp under the weight of an elephant. "__**FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU **__**AND**__** YOUR PEANUT!**__"_

_Yumoa blinked, then pouted. "Meanie." _

_With that, he unzipped the bag, removed the bottle of acetone, and left to pass it on to Hakkai and Gojyo._

"_What was that?" the kappa hissed, glancing to the monk. Sanzo was shaking in his rage. Gojyo quickly averted his gaze and pretended that the plight of "Diego Sanchez" was utterly fascinating--which it was, though not nearly as fascinating as Comedy's treatment of the pissy priest._

"_I was watching a fun movie, and tried to play a game with Sanzo, but he got mad." Yumoa frowned. "I think he needs some of Lydia's happy pills," he whispered conspiratorially._

"_Please don't drug him. It's hard enough to live with the bastard without worrying about how he'll react to being drugged."_

"_But it'll make him happier. He won't shoot at you as much."_

_The half-breed paused, overcome by curiosity. He chanced a glance to the monk, and saw that he was already napping. Interested, he sidled up to the comedy god, shrewd, crimson eyes keeping a close watch on the slumbering beast. "Hey, how many 'til it kills him?" he whispered._

_Yumoa smiled, utterly benign...but it must be said that, though his intentions were __**mostly**__ pure, the things which Comedy thought completely harmless were often capable of bringing down a bull moose. Lydia could attest to the fact--a fact which had assisted in her decision to ban him from all grocery shopping. "About twenty. Depends on which ones--and how much he drinks, of course."_

"_Gojyo, please fetch me a towel."_

_The kappa flinched and looked at Hakkai less than two feet away. Monocle was smiling. Not good._

"_Coming right up, Hakkai!" He made himself scarce, and Yumoa, distracted by a shiny object, meandered off like the free spirit he was._

* * *

_**(Once Upon an Ear Infection)**_

"_I have a headache," sighed Kougaiji._

_Doku looked over to the Prince, who had his head in his palm and was presently staring in bafflement at the scene below. Considering the apparent circumstances, none of them had wanted to land and get involved with the enduring madness which clung to the Sanzo Party and Lydia's regime like mashed peas to a toddler's face...and hands and feet and just about every other available clinging surface. Those two groups combined were more chaotic than Tokyo at rush hour with Godzilla on the rampage._

"_Well..." began the swordsman, considering all the recent events and trying to figure out the best way to cheer up his compatriot, "...at least you don't have an ear infection."_

_Kou gave him a look. "No, what I have is worse. I can't do anything to help Lirin, we're chained to __**these**__ people for an indefinite length of time, my stepmother is threatening to do horrifying things to us if we don't return my sister immediately, and I have a headache...oh, and the Jeep just ran over a young boy. I must say that an ear infection, on its own, would be wonderful compared to all of this."_

"_Have you ever had an ear infection?" Yaone interjected in a disagreeing tone. "It isn't fun at all. Worse than a headache, my Lord."_

"_Don't be ridiculous. You can cure an ear infection, but when you have __**people**__ like __**them**__ surrounding you, it's worse than plague."_

"_Oh, it's not so bad," argued Dokugakuji. "At least things are exciting."_

"_I don't think exciting quite describes the—__**uwaaaaagh!**__"_

_The other two had been watching Konran do peculiar things to the boy's face, distracted long enough to miss what exactly had happened._

_Surprised, Yaone looked up. "'Uwaaaaagh?'" she repeated, glancing around for the Prince._

_Doku was looking down, and spotted Kou's dragon as it plummeted to the ground a few hundred yards from where the automobiles had stopped. "Yaone, over there!"_

_Instinctively, they prodded their own flying reptiles to follow in a dive, both fearing the worst when their leader vanished through the dense evergreen canopy._

"_Lord Kougaiji!" Yaone shouted, the first to break through and pull the dragon up before she crashed as well._

_Doku followed only a moment later, and they quickly dismounted the now-ornery animals to hurry over to the scaly green hide of the fallen dragon._

_Then they stopped…_

…_and stared._

"_Honestly, I really would rather have had an ear infection," rasped Kougaiji, pinned by the throat to a large tree and tightly gripping the wrist of the man who held him against it._

_At the exact same moment, the same bewildered thought popped into Yaone's and Doku's heads, and they voiced this thought at the same time:_

"_Konran, why are you naked?"_

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_**(1) **Yes, I've reduced Voldemort to a German auto manufacturing corporation. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo._

_**(2) **BC stands for "birth control", and is the joke name given to military-issue glasses in boot camp while my dad was first getting in. He still has a pair, not much different from Potter's, and they are **hideous.**_

_**(3) **I dunno if y'alls have seen that Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza commercial, but it's funny as hell. Oreo beards are fun, and grow at an alarming rate… _O…O

_**(4) **Please don't sue me, O corporate comedy overlords. I watch you all the time._

_Whoooee! That was one of the weirdest things I've written in a long while. You have permission to beat me. Really. Just pick up a large stick and rough me up real good. I've been neglecting this story for far too long… (sigh)_

_On the other hand, it turned out pretty well. Hmm…maybe I **don't** suck as a human being…The ear infection bit stems from this bizarre brain-vomit-type thing I wrote some time ago by the same title. It involved croutons becoming self-aware. I should post it somewhere and let you guys read it..._

_**REVIEW, PLEASE! If I ever reach 200 reviews, for either TIG or TS, I'll write a special one-shot for all of you! (bow)**_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	21. Awareness: The Anonymous Cyh

**The Sequel: Chapter XXI (Current Mood: Exhausted)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ. (hangs head) It just kind of happened. This is the most crack I've ever been. THE BLOCK MADE ME DO IT!!! I got a stupid idea and I ran like an idiot with it._

_Dedicated to **Kinnikinnick** because, well, I enjoy long PM's and Reviews. The longer it is, the happier I feel._

_I _**do**_ hope it's funny..._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"I'm so happy, I'll **stab** your ass!"—ICP, "Mr. Happy"_

"_Whaddaya mean I can't get an egg McMuffin?! Just 'cause it's after eleven?!"—"No, sir, because this is a bank."—Dave Nasher, Comedian; on being drunk_

"_You're not drunk until you think you have to clutch the grass on your lawn to keep from **falling off the face of the earth**."—some comedian whose name I can't for the life of me remember._

* * *

**_Awareness: The Anonymous Cyh_**

_(The entire cast of TIG and TS suddenly falls into a mass coma and finds itself in the Therapy Dimension. No rhyme or reason, they just do, so deal with it. The author is suffering from extreme Blockage and this is her way of venting the frustration._

_Anyway, they get up in a daze and stare around at the whitewashed, pristine walls of a large group therapy room in a clinic, surprised at how many ficus trees there are cluttering the perimeter. A desk piled high with books sits in an alcove near a large window. Stray copies of Stoppard's _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, _Adams'_ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, _and Moore's_ A Dirty Job_ lie scattered on the floor beside the desk, among other works.)_

Sanzo_ (viciously)_: **Konran!** Did _you_ do this?!

Kon: _(frowns at the priest as though he's being accused of having intimate relations with a turnip)_ Is **everything** my fault to you? If a child is eaten by cannibals in the Amazon, am I to blame?

Lyds _(muttering)_: Probably.

Kon _(indignant)_: That's just stupid.

Hakkai_ (smiling)_: Okay, before we start leaping at each other's throats, why don't we first try and figure out what has happened?

_(Suddenly, a door which no one has noticed clicks open, and in walks a young woman wearing a white lab coat, red-rimmed glasses, and a light-auburn ponytail.)_

Doctor _(grumbling under her breath)_: ...told him not to put it in the microwave, but does he ever listen? NO! NEVER! How the HELL am I supposed to heat up my chicken adobo with a wad of shrapnel...?

_(The Doctor realizes that she isn't alone in the room—in fact, there are many people, all of them staring in bafflement for various reasons. She squints. She removes her glasses, cleans them thoroughly, and replaces them, only to squint some more.)_

Doctor _(five minutes later)_: By George! There are people in my office!

Yumoa_ (hopping up off the floor and skipping over to the surprised physician.)_: Hiya, Cyh! How's it goin'?

Cyh _(shocked)_: What are _you people_ doing here?

Yumoa: Arguing. Think you can help them work out their issues? They've got a lot of them.

Cyh_ (trembling slightly)_: Erhem...well...if Sanzo puts the gun down...perhaps...

_(Hakkai shoots a maliciously sweet smile at the monk, who shudders against his will and quickly replaces the weapon under the pretense that his hand is cold.)_

Hakkai _(to Cyh)_: Go on.

Cyh _(with a twitching eye)_: Right. Uhhh. Grab a seat, everyone! Let's see if I can fix you. _(trails off) _...I gotta lay off the caffeine...maybe sleep more, too...

Yumoa_ (cheering)_: YAY! We's gonna gets ourselves fixdeded!

_(Cyh raids a mini fridge for caffeine anyway as the confused and disgruntled characters gather into a motley pow-wow, with the desk at one side of the circle. After chugging half a liter of Dew, she sighs and sits at the desk, propping her chin on a fist and frowning at them all. Kougaiji raises his hand like a middle-school student and she stares at him, fascinated at the sight.)_

Cyh: Kougaiji, what are you doing?

Kou: Aren't we supposed to raise our hands to speak?

Cyh: I'll tell you when you can speak.

Kou _(after a pause)_: How about now?

Cyh _(sighing)_: Whatever. Go ahead. _(makes shooing motion with free hand)_

Kou: Well, I just wanted to point out that all of this really is Konran's fault.

Kon: Like hell! Why is everything my fault?!

_(Cyh slams a fist on the desk and the god falls silent.)_

Cyh: Good boy. Now stay put and shut up until I tell you to talk. Got it?

_(Konran nods meekly.)_

Lyds _(impressed)_: Man, I need some of your mojo, 'cause he never listens to me.

Cyh: Of course he listens to me. All of you have to listen to me. That's what being an author is all about—the God complex and all that goodness.

Kon: Hey, Yumoa and I are the only gods here!

Cyh_ (glowering in a rage)_: You will remain silent. If you do not remain silent, I will have you sent to prison. In prison, I will make certain that large men pass you around like currency. Understand, Pretty Boy?

_(Konran shuts up and looks away, afraid of what might happen to a guy like him in prison—completely forgetting the fact that, as a god, he really shouldn't be worried at all. Gojyo laughs, earning himself an unhappy frown from Hakkai.)_

Gojyo: Sorry...

Lydiclone: I think I should have a chance to talk!

_(Sanzo's irritation-sense goes haywire and the clone finds herself at the business end of a Smith and Wesson.)_

Sanzo_ (whispering to himself)_: Just one bullet, and all the pain will go away...

Goku _(nervous)_: Sanzo? Um, maybe you shouldn't.

Hakkai_ (deadpan)_: It's okay, Goku. We don't need her in the cast.

Gojyo: But what about the plot? Isn't she supposed to be essential to the plot?

Cyh _(shaking her head)_: I don't know anymore. Honestly, Sanzo has every right to shoot her dead. He's angry enough over Lydia, so he should at least be allowed to feel like he's killing her, right?

Lydiclone: Preposterous! How could you even _presume_ to compare me to _her?!_

Cyh_ (in realization)_: Excellent point. That would be an inexcusable insult to Lydia. But still, Sanzo needs the therapy, and killing you is the most logical path.

Gojyo _(appalled)_: **THERAPY?! **_**LOGIC?!?!?**_ How the hell is that true?! That's something a psycho would say, isn't it?!

Lyds: Hey, don't knock psychos. We're a respectable bunch once you get to know us. Besides, I don't like Yon She-Bitch. Sanzo, go ahead and shoot her. Many times. I want an indecipherable mass of pulverized meat bits at my feet.

Goku _(satisfied with the explanations)_: I'm hungry... _(He is ignored, and Sanzo puts the gun away, bored already.)_

Aries _(staring at the entire group)_: Why am I here?

Cyh_ (sagely)_: Excellent question. Why _are_ we here? What is our _purpose_? _(smirks suddenly) _Or, rather, what is _your_ purpose?

Gojyo: Hey, I'm talkin' here! Hello? Oy!

Cyh_ (continuing as though Gojyo **isn't** waving his arms to catch her attention)_: I'll tell you what your purpose is! Every single one of you, your purpose is to ENTERTAIN THE MASSES!

_(A silence fills the room. Nervously, the characters look at one another and wonder what their supposed "purpose" entails.)_

Aries_ (frowning slightly)_: Uh, no, really. How did I get here? Where's Eris?

Lirin_ (to Cyh, appearing on Aries' shoulder)_: By "entertain", d'ya mean we gotta sing an' dance an' stuff?

Comedy_ (shaking his head)_: Naw, she's talkin' 'bout the fanfic. She's the real reason why Togenkyo is fallin' apart.

Lirin: Oh...that's not nice.

Cyh _(nodding)_: Indeed. I'm also the reason why Konran is an emotional train wreck.

Konran _(stunned and enraged)_: WHAT?! That was YOU?! How could you do such a thing?! _And let me take all the blame?!_

Lyds _(chuckling to herself)_: We love to hurt the ones we love.

Cyh: I torment you so because I can't torment Andy.

Kon_ (suddenly suspicious)_: Andy? Who's Andy?

_(Cyh takes another swig of Dew, contemplating the bouquet before nodding approval and speaking.)_

Cyh: Andy is your predecessor, so to speak. He's so much cooler. I made you just so I could put you through the kind of hell my heart longs to put Andy through. Problem is, Andy's my precious. I can't hurt my precious. Much.

Lyds: Hey, I call Kon Andy while we're in the real world.

Cyh: That's because I couldn't come up with a better nickname for him. Comedy already had Yossarian. Man, that was fun. _(grins wistfully)_ That was back when I still had the spark. Anyway, it was ether Andy or Gunter von Christ. You got lucky, slave-god.

Lyds_ (curious)_: So...so Kon is Andy, but not **Andy **Andy.

Cyh: Basically.

Lyds: Can I meet him? **Andy** Andy, I mean.

_(Konran snaps and quickly tackles Lydia to the ground, restraining her arms and legs in his lap and covering her mouth with his free hand. Everyone gawks in surprise.)_

Kon _(shrugging defensively)_: She's mine, and no two-bit copycat can take her from me.

Cyh _(insulted beyond comprehension)_: _Excuse me?_ _**You're**_ the copy. I MADE YOU IN HIS IMAGE. Don't you dare insult my precious! I brought you into this world, and I could totally kill you off if I felt like it!

Kon _(defiantly)_: No, you can't!

_(Suddenly, a swarm of bees appears and converges on the terrified God of Chaos, stinging him a million times and sending him into an anaphylactic shock of epic proportions. He is pronounced dead at two-fifteen A.M. on November 28th, 2007. May he rest in peace.)_

Cyh _(smug-as-hell)_: See? Told you so.

Sanzo_ (pissed-off, but startled nonetheless)_: What the fuck was that? Why did bees just kill the idiot? _HOW_ did bees just kill the idiot?! Bees don't just appear out of thin air!

Lyds _(devastated)_: No! Kon! _(grovels at Cyh's feet) _You have to bring him back! He's the only one! The only one..._(sob)..._who can get me back to my DVD collection!

Eris_ (sitting in a corner of the room and glancing up from Vogue in surprise)_: Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that I've been tearing my hair out over this girl possibly spawning pathetic demigod grandchildren when in reality she's just using Chaos to get back home?!

_(Everyone glances at the Goddess, then nervously looks away, afraid to make eye contact.)_

Cyh: No, I';m just taking liberties right now because I don't know what's gonna happen next in the story line. May as well please my seven or eight raging fans. _(smolders quietly)_

Sanzo _(still pissed)_: Look, he can't just suddenly _die_ in a swarm of _bees!_ There has to be _some_ sanity left in this story line! And BEES?! What the HELL!? _Who gets killed by BEES?!_

Cyh: Sanity? Nope. And thank you for quoting Dane Cook. That man is a genius.

Gojyo: Still, you shouldn't just kill Kon like that. It's a little too weird.

Eris _(approaching the group)_: I agree! My son deserves a more honorable death. He was a bastard and a lecher, but he was still my boy.

Cyh_ (frowning in irritation)_: Fine. Have it your way, but don't come crawling back to me when he turns all evil again and tries to break Lydia! I won't care! I'll laugh as you all writhe in torment! HA-HAH?! SEE?! Laughing.

_(Before anyone can add any other absurd requests to the list, the floor at the center of the pow-wow circle explodes in a hail of fire and brimstone and vomits out a shell-shocked Chaos. He is naked, shivering, and caked with ash. In an attempt to speak, he chokes on more ash and goes into a coughing-fit.)_

Doku _(to Kon)_: Look, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, and this is probably the best time for it, so I want you to know that your communication skills need some work.

Yaone: Yes. Lydia is smart enough to understand words, but you're not making any sense at all. Also, what happened to your clothes? Is this why you were naked before? Because that doesn't make sense--chronologically, of course.

Cyh _(musing)_: Maybe I'll just keep Lyds here with me. She's got an interesting way of seeing the world...and I'd really like to borrow some DVDs.

_(Finally, Konran manages to hack up the last of the gritty dust and point an accusing finger at Cyh, who merely stares in fascination while intermittently watering her ficus trees around the desk.)_

Kon _(still naked)_: Lydia's also clinically insane and emotionally defunct, but I still love her! I've only had her for a few chapters! _(stares at Cyh with desperation in his gaze) _Don't take that away from me! If you're in charge, I'm begging you not to ruin the only happiness I've got!

Cyh: Eh? What are_ you_ complaining about? At least you got laid! I could have easily dragged your torture out longer than that. Hell, I could have waitied 'til _Spawn of the Sequel _to fulfill your fantasies.

Zakuro_ (standing suddenly and sweeping his pointed finger across the group)_: I, Zakuro, shall take over this dimension and claim it for my Lady! _(His finger lands on Kon.)_ You! Whiny man! You make my ears bleed! You shall feel the bitter sting of my powers!

_(Without warning, the lights go out, casting the entire room in pitch-darkness. However, after a few tense seconds, the light's flicker back on.)_

Goku _(mildly disturbed)_: Um...this is...not right...

_(The rest of the cast turn their attention to their surroundings and become very confused.)_

Cyh_ (looking at the neon pink wall clock hovering precariously over the jet-puffed volcano)_: Hot damn, it's already two-thirty AM? I've got class at eight in the morning! Curse you all for distracting me from sleep!

Comedy: But you don't really sleep. _(He shies away from a lurid green capybara as it trundles through the dense violet grass.)_ That's a scary panda...

Kou_ (tentatively)_: This may seem a bit redundant, but where are we?

Zakuro: Oh, I give up! _(He goes to sulk in a corner and mutter motivational catch-phrases to himself.)_

_(Sanzo frowns as an enormous, polka-dotted mallard duck waddles past him into the chicken noodle pond, and wisely closes his eyes, lighting a cigarette and pretending to be somewhere less convoluted. Noticing this, Cyh sits abruptly on the stump of a giant felled asparagus spear and claps loudly to gather everyone's attention.)_

Cyh _(resignedly)_: Okie-dokie, if Zakuro is going to take us along on his acid trip, fine, but I insist that we get something productive done before the euphoria wears off.

Lyds: I don't feel very euphoric. Actually, I'm kinda thirsty.

Cyh: As the author of this madness, it is my duty to ensure that my characters' needs are taken care of. Thus...

_(She snaps her fingers, and a soft rustling noise approaches Lydia through the grass. All but Yumoa and Sanzo gawk in bewilderment as a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew swaggers up and stops in front of her.)_

Big Daddy Pimp Dew _(talkin' like a true playa)_: Yo. I'm hurr ta quench ya thirst, purdy lady. Care ta take a sip?

Kon _(horrified...though he's not quite certain as to why)_: Get away from my Lydia, you...you DRINK!

Big Daddy Pimp Dew _(mildly contemptuous)_: You her pimp, playa? Cuz I'mma cap yo ass if'n ya be steppin' on mah turf. I's gots mah own bitches 'n' hoes, yo. Dere ain't no mo' room fo' mo', nigga'.

_(Right on cue, half a dozen one-liters of Code Red Light District strut out of the brush, flanking their sugar daddy like good little minions and addressing Kon.)_

CRLD1: Baby, dis one be buggin'.

CRLD2: Naw, dat dere's jus' a boy. _(seductively) _Hey, suga', you wanna go have some fun? _(She eyes the naked god...though, since she has no eyes to speak of, nobody notices.)_

Big Daddy Pimp Dew: S'okay, girls. Dis li'l whiny-ass bitch don't gots nuffin' on us. Let's git outta hurr.

_(Lydia stares in fascination as the bottles of soda swagger away into the bushes, then joins everyone else in scrutinizing Cyh for an explanation.)_

Gojyo _(cautiously)_: Yeah...that was...that was...different.

Doku: I've never been to any other dimensional planes before, and I'm really not sure if this is one or not, but I have to ask anyway. Was that...that _thing_ just now—was that normal?

_(Chy shakes here head solemnly, and Doku frowns, beginning to fear that something has gone horribly wrong with this world.)_

Kon _(utterly confused and in serious mental anguish—modestly covered with a glittery pink palm frond)_: How am I supposed to react to being insulted by a bottle of soda?

Lyds _(matter-of-factly)_: Well, whenever I started telling people about crap like that, I'd end up spending a few hundred hours under the scrutiny of Doctors Renfield and Faith. Then I'd play with Rubik's Cubes until my face went numb and my fingers began to bleed.

Kon _(sympathetically)_: That's terrible! You shouldn't tell people about it when you're hallucinating. The only time the men in white coats need to get involved is when the hallucinations cause you to make enormous scenes in public.

Hakkai _(thoughtfully)_: I think that would be a point of no return.

Yaone: I think we passed the point of no return around chapter one of Irony Gods. Anything from then on was just our further descent into madness.

_(The whole group nods soberly, completely understanding her logic. Sanzo turns his back on the rest of them and lights another cigarette, ignoring the noise as Goku scoots over next to him and starts prodding for food.)_

Kou: So are we going to get any of this "therapy" done or are we just going to talk about nothing until we get sucked into some other dimension?

Cyh _(raising her brows and sipping her less-pimpish Dew)_: That depends on you guys. Who has the worst problems?

_(All eyes flicker to Sanzo's back, then quickly settle on something neutral—like the vivid red sky, or the violently yellow deer grazing next to a nearby chocolate milk stream, or Pamela Anderson's ridiculously large breasts. After a long, uneasy silence, Gojyo raises his hand.)_

Cyh: You there, the redhead with antennae.

Gojyo _(annoyed)_: You know who I am!

Cyh: I'm feigning ignorance in order to mentally distance myself from whatever's wrong with your head. That way, I won't feel guilty when your brain illness ultimately destroys you.

_(Gojyo's eyes widen, and he glances around at the circle.)_

Gojyo _(flatly, forgetting what he was talking about)_: I'm not mentally ill.

Cyh _(in a concerned tone)_: How does that make you _feel?_

Gojyo _(very confused)_: Um...glad? Who wants to be mentally ill?

Lyds: I don't mind it. My life's way more fascinating than yours is. Crazy isn't necessarily a bad thing. They say that most geniuses are insane, and many of the insane are geniuses who can't properly communicate their thoughts. By the way, I'm still thirsty.

Lydiclone: You're so annoying! The only crazy thing about you is your violent behavior!

_(Without notice, a ficus tree flies through the air and smashes into the Lydiclone's face, spattering blood all over the nice purple grass, a stubbornly tacit Seimei, and an indifferent Aries.)_

Lyds _(smirking evilly)_: Come again? What's wrong with a little violence?

Kon_ (proudly)_: Nothing at all. _(He pulls her into a tight hug, suddenly picks her up, and marches her into some nearby bushes.)_

Cyh _(staring after them in uncertainty)_: Why do I keep getting this bizarre feeling that I should have put land mines there?

_(The answer arrives in the form of embarrassing moans and cries, and, like a startled flock of pigeons, the entire group gets up suddenly and leaves the acid dream. Once out, they find themselves in the normal room once more, though Lydia and Konran lie at opposite ends of the room, muttering incoherently and drooling copiously; and Zakuro is huddled in a corner, giggling to himself as he plays the role of voyeur.)_

Hakkai _(to Cyh)_: Am I right to assume that you probably won't be able to help us?

Gojyo: Yeah, are you even a real doctor?

Cyh: Of course I'm a doctor. I'm just not a psychologist or a therapist or whatever you thought I was. I'm a hematopathologist. I study blood diseases. Or maybe I'm an anesthesiologist?

Gojyo _(squinting in disbelief)_: You don't know?! What's with the doctor coat, then?!

Cyh _(glances at the coat, then shrugs)_: It's what I wear in Organic Chemistry. That way I don't get that rank Benzyl Methyl Ether all over my regular clothes. The smell stays forever on my hands, though. _(makes face)_

Kougaiji _(flatly)_: I think we should leave.

Cyh: Exit's thataway. _(She points to a large doorway with the words "PORTAL TO THE TOGENKYO DIMENSION" emblazoned across the front like the title font for Star Wars.)_

Goku _(hopefully pointing to the mini fridge)_: Is there any food in there?

_(Cyh gives him a baffled look, then opens the fridge again, sorting through and grabbing hold of something munchable.)_

Cyh _(tossing vittles to the Sage)_: Here. Eat.

_(Goku does so with gusto and plenty of noise, earning himself a vicious guerilla attack via Sanzo's paper fan-o-doom. The fan withdraws so quickly that the monkey is left feeling bewildered and scared, slowly eating and offering a bit to his master. Sanzo partakes of the chicken, though not without suspicion...)_

Comedy: How come he gets chicken wings?! I want chicken wings, too!

Cyh_ (shaking her head)_: No. No, you don't.

Sanzo _(screaming)_: **_Wagha fakshin da shiggen?!_**

Everyone: What?

_(Sanzo grabs the container of chicken bones from Goku and gesticulates wildly.)_

Gojyo: Ooh! I know this game! Okay...two words...first word...one syllable...shit, I give up.

_(Cyh watches the event in fascination, jotting notes as Goku realizes what the monk is trying to say and runs to get some water from the cooler in the corner. Everyone else begins to notice what she is doing, and by the time Sanzo is breathing normally, all eyes are on her.)_

Cyh _(muttering)_: "...loss of verbal capacities. Subject one showed no symptoms at all towards 'Nuclear' Hell Fire Wing Sauce—suggests modified taste buds, or lack thereof..." _(She senses that she is being watched and looks up.)_ Okay, time to go home! The experim—I mean, VISITING HOURS are over!

_(She grabs a cat-o-nine-tails and begins thrashing wildly, shouting cowboy slang as she drives the characters towards the dimensional portal. They pile out within moments, and the door slams shut, sealing them off.)_

Cyh_ (shaking her head and scribbling again)_: "Note to self: use one-way mirrors for next set of test subjects." _(She sets down the pad and pen, frowning at the carnage around her—the leaking acid dream, the disarrayed ficus trees, the scattered chicken remains—and presses the intercom on her phone) _Marge, cancel my one o'clock.

Marge _(bored)_: They did it again, didn't they?

Cyh: Let's just say that acid dreams are more corrosive than any normal acid.

Marge: Please try to be more sensible with the Suzumiya girl and that Kyon boy.

Cyh _(chuckling)_: Oh, fear not. They're getting the electroshock therapy. Restraints prevent escape. Just keep your fingers crossed over that whole universal collapse possibility.

Marge: Yeah, yeah.

_(Back in Togenkyo, everyone wakes up where they had been before their strange comas—and as a group they decide never to speak of The Awareness ever again. Regardless of whether or not they are aware of their roles in a scripted story, the show must go on without hesitation...and it shall.)_

_**FIN.**_

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Next chapter is normal. I just had to write this to get rid of Writers' Block. I think it worked. I should be posting that within a few days._

_**Please review. Really. I'm getting fewer and fewer. All the familiar faces are leaving me... (sob) I think it may be the cause of my Blocks.**_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	22. Repetition: Such is Human Perversity

**The Sequel: Chapter XXII (Current Mood: Gouda)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_There's fluff in this chapter for the simple reason that I was in a fluffy mood. After that **thing** I wrote as a bizarre replacement for Ch21, I needed to write this chapter. Funny, fluffy, sweet, and serious—this chappie in a nutshell. However, in order for you to find humor in the serious moments, please imagine an army of lawn gnomes watching their every movement. (smirk)_

_And just to clarify, the Andy I mentioned in the previous chapter is from my book. The one I'm going to publish even if it's the last thing I ever do. (growls incoherently) I'm going to conquer the publishing world one of these days. **Kinnikinnick**, you can be my agent. I hear lawyers make good publishing agents, since all that crap is legal stuff. _

_Anyway, root for me!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love."—Professor, Futurama (this is basically what has happened to Lydia: something inherently incapable of LOVE had just had it shoved in its face)_

"_You people scare me. Please stay away from my home. If you don't wanna get beat down, just leave the presents and then leave me alone."—'I Won't Be Home for Christmas', Blink-182_

* * *

_**Repetition: Such is Human Perversity **_

_**(Spatio-Temporal Conundrum)**_

_Ichigo was going to lose his mind. It wasn't a question of __**if**__; it was a question of __**when**__. Granted, _The Princess Bride_ was an excellent production, but as soon as the short rotund man screamed, "Behold! The CLIFFS OF INSANITY!" and Ichigo began giggling like a mental patient, he realized that it was time to get out._

_The only problems were the tiny facts that he was strapped at fifteen points to a steel chair, Zangetsu was in the trunk, and Regina Invisamorarum (AKA "Duffel-Bag Chick" or "Yon She-Bitch" or "The Lydiclone") had chosen to awaken at that precise second and begin screaming like a banshee. The sound was enough to make his ears bleed._

_Once the bleeding started, however, the noise went away, and the Shinigami _pro temporem_ resigned to his bitter fate like a good boy._

_Regina, on the other hand, would have none of this duffel bag business. She had a mission to complete: win Konran's heart. (No one had bothered to rectify her flawed understanding of the relationship between the crazy girl and the "super-special-awesome" God of Chaos, thus resulting in all kinds of badness. __**(1)**__) Unfortunately, she was hog-tied, gagged, and securely fastened within her duffel bag. There was so little time to get where she needed to go, and to bring Konran with her._

_She would have reserved the chapel for next Friday if she had known about all the delays!_

_Disgruntled and rather uncomfortable, she ceased her screaming and remained still for a time, until the sound of the trunk opening awakened her from her musings._

_Sensing an opportunity at freedom, she writhed and tossed against the strait-jacket, squealing until she was periwinkle in the face._

_Suddenly, she felt herself being lifted, moved, then set gently on cold ground. After a few seconds of silent waiting, she squinted her eyes against the sudden blast of light as someone removed the lock on the bag and unzipped it all the way._

_Seeing who it was, she began shrieking again, but her savior quickly placed a hand over her mouth and brought a finger to his lips, shaking his head to indicate that she remain quiet. She was far too ecstatic to feel admonished, and grinned silently as he undid about twenty different, complicated knots to make any Boy Scout proud._

_Once free, she tore the ball gag out of her mouth, tossed it aside, and threw herself at her rescuer._

"_Konran!" she cried happily._

* * *

**(Mocha Mania)**

"Konran!" I cried desperately.

The god in question looked up from the discussion with Hakkai and Gojyo over what to do from here on out and frowned slightly. "Yes, Princess?"

Frantically, I waved my arms at the Jeep's supply bag in total panic. "Mocha! Mocha! Not here! **Help!**"

He turned to Hakkai and dryly muttered, "I told you so," before getting off his seat on the nearby rock and coming over. "Hakkai gave the rest to Harry. The kid was nearly hypothermic, and your mocha was the only warm thing we had."

I was going to cry. "But! But! _**NO!!!**_" I turned to Goku. "Is this true?!"

The monkey nodded slowly, as though afraid that any sudden movement would set me off in a burst of flames and thunderbolts, and began edging towards the woods. As soon as my attention wandered, he bolted for the tree line to wait out my rage.

"ARGH!" I was going to die. DIE! I was going to have an aneurism, my brain would explode in a mess of blood, bone, and cerebral cortex, and I was going to DIE.

While I went into conniptions over the absence of mocha, Konran left for a minute, then returned and set something solid on my head. "Hey. Look up."

I paused in my wailings and did so. My heart skipped a beat.

There—floating above in the hand of a god—was a can of Georgia coffee.

Before I could stop myself I was sobbing like a baby, and I took the can in my arms to cradle it as though it were my own child. "My precious! My one true love!" I whispered happily. "Thou hast returned to thy mother's bosom!"

"And what do you say?" Chaos pressed, smiling in amusement at my behavior.

I looked up at him for a long moment, thinking, then without any transitional state whatsoever, I flung myself at him and knocked him to the ground with my arms wrapped tightly around his middle. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I love you, ass-hat!"

He chuckled uncertainly, somewhat bothered by my calling him ass-hat, yet pleased that he had made me happy again. "You're welcome, Lydia. I love you, too."

"YEE-HAW!" I was on my feet in a flash, and faster than it had taken to knock him over, I abandoned him in the snow and went to show Zakuro my mocha.

* * *

_**(Discussion)**_

"_You're lucky she's so easy to please," Gojyo commented when Konran returned to the little discussion circle. "Normal women prefer clothes and jewelry and shoes."_

"_If Lydia were normal, we never would have met her," Hakkai pointed out with a little smile. He was glad that Chaos and Lydia were getting along—in a manner of speaking. She was still clinically insane and somewhat difficult to comprehend, but at least she seemed happy with Kon's new status._

"_I think she's still adjusting to the idea of having a close relationship with me, though," Kon sighed, brushing the snow off and resting his elbows on his knees. "She's even more bipolar than usual. She was violent before, but now she's completely unpredictable. I never know when she'll snap and make an attempt on my life."_

_Gojyo frowned. "Um...that's not...healthy."_

"_You're preaching to the choir." Chaos shook his head in exasperation with himself for being so forgiving. "Anyway, about Potter here...do we take him with us?"_

_Harry had at last gotten cleaned up, but at the expense of his outermost layer of skin. His face was splotchy, red, and very sore. He sat alone at some distance, staring off into space and avoiding any extreme facial expressions. The dimensional rift which had sucked him into Togenkyo was now closed, and Kon would have to wait until a new portal opened up if he was going to send the kid home._

"_We can't just leave him here," Hakkai murmured thoughtfully, his maternal instincts cringing at the thought of abandoning a child. _

_The kappa nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, true, but if this kind of stuff keeps happening, then we're going to have to ask Kougaiji, Yaone, and my bro to start carrying some of them."_

_Chaos blinked in realization. "Hey, where __**is**__ Kougaiji, anyway? I haven't seen them flying overhead."_

"_Probably avoiding us," the redhead supplied easily. "Kougaiji's not insane, but he's not much happier with this whole mess than Sanzo is, either. Besides, they're on dragons. They can do what they want, as far as I'm concerned. Bastards get to fly around as fast as they want, and we have to take the back roads all across the country. This shit ain't fair." Muttering in irritation, he tapped a Hi-Lite out of his pack and lit up, taking a much-needed drag and calming down._

"_Well, should we get going, then?" Hakkai wondered aloud._

_Kon thought about it, glancing over to Lydia talking animatedly with an equally animated Zakuro. Even he was adjusting to having a close relationship with her. It seemed improbable and surreal, but it was happening, and he couldn't help the surge of happiness it gave him. "Yeah, we should—as long as Sanzo's okay with it, of course. However, I really think you should take Harry in the Jeep, and let Goku ride in the Land Rover with Lydia and me. I don't need Lydia losing it and killing Potter while I'm trying to drive."_

"_That's pretty much evident," monocle chuckled. "I'll speak with Goku about it...and on that note, where __**is**__ Goku?"_

_Frowning, the three of them looked around, but found no clues as to where the young sage had gone. They could remember him running into the woods, but he hadn't yet returned._

"_Dammit," the kappa said with feeling. He shoved his hands in his coat pockets and turned towards the tree line. "I'll go hunt him down."_

"_Don't take long," Hakkai called after him._

_He raised a hand to indicate that he had heard, and disappeared into the woods._

_Kon looked at Hakkai. "While he's finding Goku, I should go check on Yumoa. Chances are, he's already abandoned Ichigo." He got up with a sigh. "I'll be back to collect my mental patient once I'm certain that the kid is alive."_

"_I'll go tell Sanzo our plan, then."_

_At that, they went their separate ways, neither one aware of the approaching storm just a few hundred yards away._

* * *

_**(Just a Few Hundred Yards Away)**_

_Kougaiji blinked his eyes open and felt somewhat startled to see that he was being pinned to a tree by Konran. He could have sworn that only moments ago he had been chased out of a strange place by a crazy woman wielding a cat-o-nine-tails, but considering how he was back where he had started, the hallucination didn't seem all that plausible. Besides, he didn't need therapy. Everyone else did, but he was fine._

_REALLY._

_Moments later, a pair of figures emerged from the bushes. "Konran, why are you naked?" Yaone and Dokugakuji asked simultaneously._

_Ah, yes. The situation at hand was far more pressing than a bizarre dream._

_The god in question frowned slightly, his cobalt eyes giving off a dim, smoldering glow as he ignored the interruption and stared at the prince. "I'm not Konran," he muttered in irritation, suddenly glaring. "However, I'm looking for him. Tell me where he is."_

"_He's probably back on the road," Kougaiji choked out. This was the last thing he needed—another clone. "Now let me go!"_

_The clone god narrowed his eyes, then released the Prince, satisfied. A moment later and he was already streaking through the trees in search of his genetic double. Literally. He was naked, after all._

_Once the clone was gone, Yaone and Dokugakuji hurried over to catch their coughing leader before he fell to the ground, holding him up while he recovered from the assault on his trachea._

"_This is getting ridiculous," he growled, rubbing his bruised larynx and glowering at the line of trees into which the newest clone had escaped._

"_We need to go warn the others," Doku said urgently once the shock wore off. "I wonder what he wants with Kon."_

"_I don't want to wait long enough to find out," murmured Yaone, fussing over her prince and making certain that he wasn't injured from the fall. "My Lord, can you walk?"_

_Kou nodded. "I don't think he was trying to hurt me—just cornering me for information." He motioned in the direction Clone Kon had gone. "Let's go."_

_Not needing to be told twice, the two of them began to run, following Kougaiji as he wove nimbly through the forest towards the road. The clone would probably beat them there, but at least they could lend a hand if a fight broke out.

* * *

_

**(Humorous Advice)**

"...and now I'm here, a pathetic shadow of what I had once been," lamented Zakuro, completing his life's story at last and staring morosely into the ether. "I should have just grabbed the boy. At least then I wouldn't have had to lose face like this."

I frowned in sympathy, swilling the remaining half a can of Georgia coffee in thought. "I'm sorry. It must be difficult."

The bright-eyed youkai shook his head vigorously, waving his hands in front of himself to dispel my worries. "No, really! I'm sure it will get better. My Lady is just having a bad week, is all. I cannot allow myself to give up so easily."

I took a sip of coffee, draining it almost to the end, and sighed, holding the can in front of him and looking away. "Here. One sip and eternal happiness will be yours."

I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw him staring in awe at the narrow tin container. "For me?" he asked, suddenly very emotional.

Frowning in embarrassment, I wiggled the can. "Just take it, all right? You need it more than I do. At least I have Kon. You're battling all of this crap on your own, and no one seems to care. I'll be damned if I just sit around and pretend that it's all going to be okay. Even I don't know that. Hell, I could die at any moment for any number of reasons. So could everyone else. May as well do something nice."

_At least I have Kon..._ My words echoed back at me with striking clarity, and I frowned. My enemy had become my source of stability. Where was the sanity in that? It sounded like some idiotic dime-store romance...yet it still made my chest ache whenever I thought of him. How long had these feelings been sitting there, waiting for me to notice them?

Reverently, Zakuro took the can from my hand and smiled sincerely. "Thank you for this magical beverage!"

I cocked an eyebrow, shaking the thoughts from my head. "Okay, It's not really magical. I just have a bizarre affinity for all things liquid. Now drink it before my selfishness takes over and tries to steal it back."

_Is it just me or is Konran making you kinder?_ REASON questioned in my mind. I knew I wasn't imagining that teasing lilt.

"Like hell! I'm perfectly capable of kindness without Kon's influence!" I defended aloud.

Zakuro paused with the can halfway to his lips and stared at me. Then he stared at the can...then at me again.

"Does this elixir really not have magical properties?" he asked, dead serious.

_Ooh. Say yes!_ CURIOSITY was practically dancing in excitement, wondering how he would react to that information.

I silently told the voice to go suck a lemon, and stood rather abruptly. "I'm just talking to myself," I assured the hallucinogenic drama queen, turning to go see what Kon and the others were up to. "I have to check on progress now, but I'll be back, okay?"

"Oh..." he sounded disappointed. "Okay, then." With a desolate sigh, he threw back the remainder of my drink and set the can down. A moment later and he was smiling slightly. "Very nice."

I smirked and turned away, shoving my hands in my coat pockets and sighing a little. It had been awhile since the voices had last talked to me, and during that time I had forgotten to keep my responses in my head. The most irksome part was that Konran probably _was_ the force behind my mental and behavioral shift. Not once in my life had I ever expected to find myself in this sort of relationship, and now that I had, it was completely tweaking my thought processes.

The only thing that bothered me, however, was the fact that I didn't really mind it.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked Chaos, intercepting him on his way to the Land Rover. "What are we doing now?" He gave me a pleasant smile and slid an arm around my waist...without repercussions. I frowned uncertainly. Maybe REASON had a point, after all...

"Hakkai is going to ask Sanzo if Harry can ride in the Jeep," he replied. "If he can, then Goku will ride with us. Is that okay?"

I blinked, realizing with a start that I missed the monkey. "Yeah! I'm down with that." Maybe Comedy could sit up front for awhile and let me duke it out with Goku in Bust-A-Move.

"I thought that would make you happy. Also, there's more of that coffee if you need it, and I want you to take your meds before we leave. I can't have you passing out or killing people at random moments." He turned to smirk at me, his brilliant eyes stealing my breath for a second, and I looked away, suddenly embarrassed.

"Don't look at me like that," I muttered.

We stopped at the back of the Land Rover and Kon popped the trunk open, giving me a confused look. "Like what?" he asked, letting me slip away as he pulled out the bag of toiletries and extracted three orange tubes from the cluttered contents.

"As though I'm really that important," I grumbled, turning my back to him and examining our footprints in the snow. His were bigger than mine. Why did he make me feel so small and helpless all of a sudden? Not long ago, I had been absolutely positive that I was the stronger...but now I wasn't so certain. Rafe had never made me feel like I couldn't stand on my own, but these days I relied on Kon. He was taking responsibility for all of my problems without complaint, and I wasn't sure how I really felt about that. I cared about him—that much was certain—but still...it was so different.

"You're still not used to this, are you?" Kon asked gently, appearing at my side and holding out his pale hand. Five pills sat in the cusp of his palm—one antidepressant, two for my diabetes, and two for my more pressing mental imbalances. My sanity was in the care of a rainbow of drugs.

"Not one bit," I whispered, frowning when his fingers brushed against mine as he handed me the pills. Despite how intimately his hands knew my body, it was still hard to get used to, as though our time together had been a strange, wild dream—something imagined and unspeakable. For some strange reason, that knowledge made it even more difficult to touch him. Maybe I was broken. Maybe I had no idea what love really meant. I certainly had no frame of reference to tell if Kon and I were good for each other.

I popped the pills into my mouth with a sigh and washed them down with the water he'd brought alone for me. One caught in my esophagus and I grimaced, chugging some more water to make it move and then handing the bottle back to him. "Thanks. I'll eat something later in the car," I muttered, avoiding his gaze.

But before I knew what he was doing, his arms were around my shoulders, and I was breathing in the warm scent that was his alone—sweet like ginkgo leaves in the fall, but sharper, too, like cedar. "I'm sorry," he murmured, his soft tenor resonating through his chest and into my ears. "I should have given you more time."

I frowned even harder once the surprise wore off. "Kon, no...you know I never would have even noticed. I'm an idiot like that. You didn't deserve being forced to wait. You waited two years already."

"You're not angry at me?"

"Why would I be?" I asked, pulling away and staring at him in surprise. Despite my automatic hesitation, I forced myself to admit the truth aloud. "I love you. I'm just shocked that you're willing to take on so much. If anyone should be angry, it's you. I'm basically luggage. Feral, violent, psychologically convoluted baggage. I'm a barbarian Samsonite with a sword and a penchant for wanton destruction!"

The image must have been funny to him, because he was suddenly laughing uncontrollably.

Irritated, I tried to get away, but he tugged me back to him and held me more tightly. "I'm sorry—it's just an amusing picture," he apologized. Cupping my face in his hands, he leaned down with a tender smile, making sure that I couldn't turn away. "You are not baggage—you are my sweetheart," he whispered firmly. "You hold my heart and soul in your hands, so don't belittle your importance to me."

I tried to argue, but then his lips were on mine, gentle and earnest, coaxing me into opening up for him. His tongue traced my bottom lip cautiously, vanquishing all of my doubts in an instant, and I let him in deep without another thought. Losing myself in his taste for several long seconds, I drank him down and let the calm diffuse through my system, sighing when his gentle hands slipped around my throat to tangle in my hair and make me shiver. It was impossible to doubt this—his concern for my wellbeing was a near-tangible thing.

However, a disconcerting _snap—_followed by the whirring of a tiny motor—startled me, and I quickly jumped back from the god in embarrassment. Looking wildly around for the source of the noise, my eyes eventually landed on Comedy, only a few feet away.

"Yumoa!" Konran growled in disbelief, glaring at his cousin.

I stared in shock at Comedy as he fiddled with the buttons on the pocket-sized camera. "Just a sec..." he muttered.

Then the realization hit me. "Did you just do what I think you did?!" I demanded, suddenly enraged.

"That depends on what you think I did," he replied smartly. "I can't have done what you think I did if I haven't done it." At last, he finished whatever it was he'd been trying to do with the camera, and grinned brightly. "However, you're right; I did." He flipped the little device around and I stared at the LCD display in dumbfounded shock.

There it was, evidence for all the world to see: a passionate kiss between Konran and myself.

Before I could lunge at the device and smash it into dust, Yumoa flipped it back around and shoved it into his pants—no man's land. He knew I wouldn't go after it, the crafty bastard. "That one's going in the photo album, and I'm not letting you ruin it!" was his severe response to my stricken expression. "Whether you like it or not—no, wait—whether you're _embarrassed or not_, Kon and you are getting married, and you're going to be my cousin-in-law. You were family before, but even more so now, and it would be shameful not to document such a happy occasion."

"Yumoa, you can't just startle her like that," sighed Konran. "It's not healthy, for anybody—_especially_ not the people around her—_least of all me_."

"Oh, and I'm supposed to _assume_ that she's going to agree to having her picture taken during a kiss? You know she won't. _I_ know she won't. At least this way I can keep an authentic account of your budding romance." He wiggled his eyebrows at me. "C'mon, Lyds. You love him. It's not the end of anything. In fact, it's the very beginning. You can have the happiest life imaginable, if only you'll let him give it to you."

I gaped, my jaw moving like a stuttering puppet. This wasn't happening! No! This was just another nightmare, like the one with Big Daddy Pimp Dew and Sanzo eating spicy chicken wings while that crazy therapist took notes!

I knew I was in a bad way when my love advice was coming from the God of Comedy.

"_**I give up!**_" I cried to the heavens, turning abruptly and...

I froze in place, staring in bewilderment at what I was seeing. Just to be sure, I looked back at Kon, but he, too, was frowning in confusion at the spectacle before us. I faced forward again and blinked in surprise.

"Kon...there's...there's another one of you over there..." I stammered, backing away slowly. "And naked? I mean, I've seen you naked, so I'm used to it, but that's..."

I blushed suddenly, realizing what I was saying a little too late. "I'm going to shut up and hide behind you now," I muttered in complete and total embarrassment as my sanity received another blow to the head.

* * *

_**(The Messenger)**_

"_Gah! There he is!" Aphrodite scooted closer to the edge of the pond, her attention rapt on the face-off between Konran and his clone. _

_Kannon smiled wickedly and munched on popcorn. "Ooh, this is going to get very interesting..."_

"_Merciful Goddess...?"_

_Kannon frowned suddenly, and slowly turned to glare at Jiroshin. "This had better be good." She growled past the half-chewed food._

_He gave her an apologetic bow. "I'm very sorry, but a messenger has just arrived, and he claims that this is of dire importance."_

_She grumbled under her breath and hit the "record" button on the side of her throne. "I'll be right back, Venus. Don't move from that spot, got it?" However, Aphrodite was too absorbed in the rippling events to have heard, indicating to Kannon that the Love goddess wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. _

_Sighing in exasperation, Kanzeon Bosatsu rose from her throne in a flutter of robes and started past Jiroshin to the foyer. "Who is it?" she demanded as he hurried behind._

"_You do recall the young god who pointed out the way to Aries' palace, correct?" the manservant inquired in a hush. She nodded and he continued, "He has come bearing news. Apparently he did some research in his realm, and believes that he knows the one who is at the source of all the dimensional instability."_

"_Oh?" The face-off was suddenly a million miles away, and Kannon blew into the flamboyant gold and jade waiting room with a flourish, spotting the messenger god sitting restlessly on a chaise lounge. "Hermes, right?"_

_The god looked up as he heard his name called, and stood abruptly with a deep bow. The wings on his ankles and helmet flapped restlessly, as though he'd been straining them to their limits to get there as soon as possible. "I apologize for the intrusion, but I was sent by the King of the Gods himself..."_

"_Yes, yes," Kannon muttered, waving away the formality with a well-manicured hand. "Skip the preliminaries—just tell me what you've come to say." She was missing her favorite show._

_Nodding a little too much, he turned to his bag and removed a manila file folder, opening it up and handing her the contents. "You may want to look at this." As she scanned the documents, he said sheepishly, "Zeus apologizes for what's been happening, but, as you can see, the one responsible isn't even a part of the Greek hierarchy. That's why we never noticed. _

"_Last week, however, Odin from the Norse hierarchy showed up all of a sudden on Olympus, asking about this one here, and after some calculations we realized that the time shift between your realm and ours perfectly fits the timeframe for the incidents you described." He looked at her in earnest. "I can't stress enough that he has to be dealt with as soon as possible."_

"_Well, that's not going to be easy," Kannon sighed, handing the papers to Jiroshin._

_He looked them over and blanched. "Merciful Goddess, this is..."_

"_What's wrong?" Hermes questioned, confused._

_She shook her head. "He's not even an official god. This could get tricky—if he's not a god, then I can't do anything about it. The Jade Emperor has his own sick little rulebook. Not that I would interfere, but..." The rest was left hanging in the air, but the other two understood._

_If the culprit had been a god, then Kannon would have been allowed to intercede if things became too much for the Lower World to handle. Since he technically wasn't, everything was now up to the only people who knew what was going on. The most she could do was tell them what they were up against._

_And as though the Fates were playing for the good team, there sounded a high-pitched beeping noise, startling Jiroshin and Hermes. Kannon, however, immediately reached into her sash and withdrew a small, silver pager-like device. Curious, the other two looked at the little screen._

"'_Kitten'?" Hermes inquired, confused. "Your cat pages you?! That's amazing!"_

"_No, it's a stray," she murmured, already turning to leave. "Jiroshin, hold the fort while I'm gone; and Hermes, tell him everything you know about our unwanted visitor. This won't be easy, but the more we know, the better prepared we'll be to save what's left of this twisted world we live in."_

_And just like that, she was gone._

_After a long moment, the Messenger God turned to the manservant with a baffled frown the wings on his helmet fluttering in curiosity. "Who's 'Kitten'? A pet?"_

_Jiroshin shook his head. "More like a pet project." He indicated the manila folder, getting serious. "Tell me everything, and hold no details."_

"_Oh...all right..."_

_With that, the two of them brought the folder back to the viewing pond and sat down to ready themselves for what was coming, while Venus obliviously giggled and watched her precious Chaos stare himself down._

* * *

_**(Homecoming)**_

_It was one of the most difficult things he'd ever done, but somehow Ares managed it. It had been a stroke of genius to use the dimensional portals to lose the insane Goddess of Chaos, and somewhere back in either the hippie dimension or the soap opera dimension, he had fortunately been able to do exactly that._

_Afterwards, it was only a matter of time before they reached the Togenkyo dimension, and in no time at all, the god landed in a snow bank not far from where the Sanzo Party and Kou Crew had gotten held up._

_Lirin finally opened her eyes once she realized that the nauseating time-shifts had stopped, and looked around the frigid, pristine landscape with the light of recognition in her bright green eyes. "Hey, we made it! I can smell big brother!"_

_Ares gave her a dubious look. "Smell? You can __**smell**__ him?"_

"_Yeah!" Without further explanation, she pointed insistently into the trees. "He's in there, but he's moving! We gotta catch him!"_

_Taking her word for it, the War God leapt into the thicket, racing along on tireless, muscular legs and dodging every root and branch which threatened his charge's safety. _

_After less than a minute, he could hear the sound of three pairs of feet crashing through the brush, and cut left to head them off before they made it out of the trees an onto easier ground._

_Lirin held on for dear life, closing her eyes tightly and trusting Ares to keep her from harm, and it wasn't long before she felt the entire world come to a grinding halt. She squinted through her lashes to make sure that the coast was clear, then popped her head up over the god's shoulder._

_Like turning on the sun, her face lit up in unbridled joy, and she leapt from Aries' massive shoulders to her openly surprised big brother. "__**Kougaiji!**__" she laughed ecstatically, knocking him to the ground with the force of her glomp and blasting all the oxygen out of his lungs._

_However, he was just as happy to see her safe, and disregarded his body's protests at being manhandled as he sat up and hugged her tightly. "Lirin, you're safe!"_

_She drew back, grinning broadly and flashing dainty fangs. "Duh! Uncle Ares picked me up from Eris' place. He's really scary-lookin', but he's a nice guy. Eris was okay, but she's kinda crazy."_

"_Did she do anything to you?!" he demanded suddenly, while Ares grumbled in the background about judging people by their appearances. _

_Lirin frowned. "No. She gave me cookies, and let me hang out. I was watching in the crystal until..." She immediately stopped talking, abruptly embarrassed about the things she had seen going on between Lydia and Konran. After a pause, she put on a smile to mask her thoughts. "She covered it up when she caught me lookin', so I couldn't watch after that."_

"_Oh." Kougaiji sighed, smiling warmly and thanking his luck that she was back without a scratch. "I'm happy that you didn't get hurt, but since you shouldn't have been out of the castle in the first place, I'm sending you back with Yaone and Dokugakuji immediately."_

"_What?!" she cried in shock. "But I wanna see Lydia and Yumoa and Kon and Baldy!"_

_He gave her a curt frown. "Lirin, your mother is furious, and if you don't go home soon, she may do something to__** my **__mother." He hated playing that card, but it was the only way she would take this seriously._

_That did the trick. At this news, she blinked in worry and looked to Yaone and Doku. "Okay, I'll go see Mother...but...I really wanna see Lydia and Kon. Eris was saying real bad things 'bout them, and I gotta be sure they're okay."_

_Kougaiji smiled a little, touched by his sister's concerns. "It will be fine. Those two are impossible to separate, you can be sure."_

_She stared at him for a long time, then nodded, convinced. If her brother said it would be okay, then it would be okay._

_Dutifully, she let him go and turned to Ares. "Thank you!" she said with utter sincerity, throwing her arms as far as they would go around the god's enormous chest and hugging tightly. Then, without another word, she followed a relieved Yaone and a pleased Doku over to where two of the dragons had been secured._

_Once they were gone, Kougaiji looked to Ares and bowed deeply. "You have my gratitude. I am sorry for the trouble I've caused your son."_

_Ares chuckled, somewhat flustered by the prince's decorum. "Nah, it's okay, kid. Just be sure to help them out. I'll be heading home now, but tell them I'll be back for the wedding, all right?"_

"_Of course." Kougaiji straightened himself up and smiled thankfully, and with a sheepish grin, the God of War vanished in a swirl of flame and smoke._

_With the massive weight lifted from his shoulders, Kougaiji found it easier to accept that he would simply have to wait until his mother could be freed. So what if Eris didn't do it for him? At least Lirin was safe—something he knew his mother would have wanted above all else before he worried about her._

_As he started back towards his lone dragon, however, there was a rustle in the bushes, and Goku appeared, looking somewhat worried._

"_Kougaiji! What was that just now?" the sage asked quickly, seemingly in a hurry._

"_Ares," replied the prince, smiling faintly at the peaceful knowledge. "He brought Lirin back safely."_

_Goku blinked in surprise. "Wow...that's lucky...but do you sense that other thing? It's comin' from over there." He indicated towards back towards the road. "It was here, but now it's over there. Did somethin' happen?"_

_Kougaiji paused, then realized that he had completely forgotten about the newest clone. His eyes widened in surprise. "We have to find Konran," he said quickly, motioning for the young heretic to follow as he sprinted off into the trees. "There's another! Like Lydia's and Yumoa's clones, but he looks almost exactly like Konran!"_

_Startled, the monkey easily kept pace with the youkai prince and nodded dutifully. "We gotta warn them! I thought somethin' was fishy."_

"_I just hope we're not too late," Kougaiji muttered to himself, dreading the guilt he would have to deal with if Konran or Lydia were hurt because of his distraction._

"_Hey, what's the rush!" called a voice from behind, and the two of them glanced over their shoulders to see Gojyo chasing after them. _

_They waited for him to catch up, then Goku said tersely, "There's another clone, an' it's Kon's this time. We gotta find Lydia and Kon before the clone does."_

_Gojyo frowned, then nodded in silent concurrence. The worst thing he could imagine was having two gods of Chaos in one place at the same time. The shit was destined to hit the fan in a case like that._

* * *

**(Konran v. Konran, Perhaps?)**

I wasn't sure if I should have been embarrassed or afraid. Yes, I had somehow grown accustomed to Konran's naked body, but this guy wasn't Konran. His eyes were cobalt blue, not phthalo green, like those of the authentic version. It wasn't hard to guess that he had probably come from the same place as Yon She-Bitch and Seimei, but I still didn't know what his motives were. Yon She-Bitch had been after Kon, and Seimei had been on reconnaissance until it began to bore him. Konran's doppelganger, however, was a whole new ballgame. This one actually looked serious.

"Lydia, stay behind me," Chaos murmured, wrapping his warm hand around my cold digits and stepping in front of me.

I complied, not wanting to get caught in this particular tussle. Fighting a naked clone version of my divine equivalent and now-fiancée was a little too much for my mind to handle in its current unstable state.

Yumoa watched in curiosity as Kon shielded me from view, then frowned slightly at the newest clone. "Hey, who're you?" he asked bluntly, cocking his head to one side.

The clone's crystalline cobalt gaze flicked to Comedy, and there was a spark of recognition in it. "My name isn't as important as my purpose," he responded. Even his voice sounded like Kon's, but just a bit deeper. The strange lilt to every word was the same, however.

"And what would that be?" Konran growled tersely, his glowing eyes narrowed to wary slits.

He frowned slightly, and then to my disconcertion he looked past Kon and straight to me. "Her. I've come to make her mine."

My eye twitched. "You're deranged," I informed him, scooting a little further behind Kon and leering at the doppelganger. Suddenly, I was perfectly okay with the direction our relationship had taken. Kon was familiar—Kon was home. This new guy could have been an alien, for all I knew! Aliens ate people's brains and crap! I didn't have time to waste getting my brain eaten by alien clones.

Konran stiffened at the clone's declaration, then managed a darkly amused chuckle. "Okay, correct me if I'm getting this wrong, but you're here to win Lydia over? As in, make her regard you as someone important to her?"

"Yes. Your point?"

Without notice, Kon burst out laughing, and I stared at him in disbelief. Had he finally had too much? Had he finally snapped? Would we be crazy together from now on? "Umm, are you, uh...feeling all right?" I questioned, just a little worried for his sanity.

He shook his head as the giggles faded, and to my surprise he squeezed my hand and tugged me to stand in front of him as he faced his duplicate. "You think you can win her over? You, a complete stranger? It's taken me two years of sharing a bed with her to make her see me as something other than a coffee table, and you think you can appear out of nowhere and take her without resistance?"

Finally, the clone was beginning to realize that Kon had a point, and after a long, awkward pause, muttered sheepishly, "Well...could I at least borrow some clothes?"

"What?!"

I jerked in surprise at the chorus of disbelief behind us, and spun to see Gojyo, Kougaiji, and Goku standing at the edge of the trees, gawking incredulously at the clone.

"Shoot, I thought there was going to be some action," muttered a closer voice.

I looked up beside me and saw Kannon with her arms folded loosely across her stomach as she frowned in disappointment. "You too?"

She glanced at me and smiled. "Oh, I'm happy you're all right, kitten, but I had expected more resistance from our latest visitor. Anyway, I'm not here for that. I have to speak with Konran."

"I would really like some clothing, if you would be so kind," the clone grumbled tightly, stepping behind a bush and frowning at the audience.

Konran turned to me with a gentle smile. "Something tells me we're about the same size," he chuckled, still too amused to feel threatened. "Go grab some pants and a shirt from my bag, please?"

I frowned, looking from him to the fidgeting look-alike, then grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and tugged him along with me to the Land Rover's trunk. "I'm borrowing him for just a second, Kannon," I called over my shoulder. "You can grill him in a minute."

She smirked broadly, enjoying some private joke, and made a shooing motion with one hand. "Take your time, kitten. It seems there's no danger at present."

Chuckling darkly, I threw her a grin and shoved the god behind the vehicle, out of everyone's view. Once hidden, I popped the trunk and pulled out the Kon's bag of clothing, and the god paused to frown at me in curiosity.

"Princess, is there something you wanted to say to me?" he asked after I had rummaged through his wardrobe and found an old shirt and a pair of faded black jeans for his clone. He placed a hand on my shoulder, pulling me away from my intense work. "Lydia, talk to me," he pleaded.

I paused, suddenly nervous, then slowly turned to look up at him. "I hope you're not planning on letting him come along for the ride," I whispered, keeping my voice low to exclude any eavesdroppers from the conversation. "One of you is enough—I don't need another."

To my surprise, he smiled. He'd been smiling a lot more than usual lately. "I'm not certain as to what has you so worried, but really, you don't need to be. Even if he tried, I'd rip his arms and legs off before he could even think to steal you by force."

"Look, I'm still trying to deal with the fact that I'm..." I broke off, losing the battle to keep my cool. Embarrassed yet again—this was really starting to piss me off—I turned back to the bag of clothes and found a pair of tennis shoes to add to the ensemble I'd thrown together. Kon only wore black, so it was only a matter of grabbing whatever was nearest at hand. No fashion sense required.

However, I flinched in surprise when I felt a pair of warm, cautious arms snake around my waist, and froze when Kon nosed under my hair to kiss the back of my neck. "Relax. I'm not letting you go. I've worked myself to madness getting to where we are, and nobody, not even I, is going to take that away. I'm far too self-serving." He laughed a little at the double entendre. **(2)**

I frowned at the stack of clothes, thinking, then with a sigh I leaned back against him, letting his warmth push back the freezing chill of the air around us. "I'll hold you to that, ass-hat."

"I would expect nothing less from you," he assured me as he spun me around and claimed my lips with a searing kiss.

It was then that I noticed something further off in the snow, and in surprise I pulled away from Chaos. "Kon, that's the duffel bag we put Yon She-Bitch in..."

He blinked in surprise after following my gaze. "We need to tell the others before she does something inappropriate."

"Inappropriate?" I questioned, baffled at his choice of words.

He gave me a crafty smirk. "Well, it isn't as if she can hurt us or tear us apart anymore," he stated matter-of-factly.

I frowned, then winced as the memory of catching him in bed with that...that..._creature_—accosted me. It was more than difficult to ease my worries over that.

"Yeah, I'm gonna need another kiss," I muttered, grabbing him by the shirt and taking him for my own before he even knew what had hit him.

* * *

_**(Advice from the Monk)**_

_Due to the fact that the author was presently in a state of limbo regarding the prior crack chapter and the current jiggling mass of sappiness, the monk and the drama queen were up next on the chopping block of weirdness._

_Zakuro had gotten bored of waiting for people to talk to him, but he was still too depressed to go back to the castle. It was painful to even think about what his mistress would do to him when he returned empty-handed. He was failing almost constantly now, and for that he blamed the monk._

"_Look at him there, talking so smugly to that dark-haired fellow," he muttered under his breath, wishing his illusions would take his victims somewhere other than an acid trip or Holland. He'd heard from some of the more avid gossips that the Sanzo Party was at the core of all the trouble, but he couldn't figure out why that little bunch of oddities was so damn important that chaos had to follow wherever they went._

_(Naturally, he was completely unaware of the fact that Chaos had been sent there at the behest of the Merciful Goddess, and would thusly remain ignorant until this writer decided to enlighten him—most probably in some convoluted and violently complex manner. Like chickens. Diplomatic zombie chickens come to peck at everyone's brains and spread the Word of Bob.)_

_As the drama queen continued to watch, Sanzo at last buckled under the green-eyed youkai's passive-aggressive persuasions and agreed to let the little one switch places with the magic-wielding boy. Satisfied, the latter smiled amicably and excused himself to go and inform the others of the decision._

_Zakuro frowned, waiting for the monocle man to leave before getting off his log seat and sticking his hands in his vest pockets as he walked cautiously towards the Jeep._

_Sanzo was lighting up a cigarette as he approached, and after spotting the hallucinogenic semi-enemy coming closer, he casually reached into his robe's sleeve and pulled out the banishing gun, training it squarely between Zakuro's eyes._

"_Yes?" he inquired, taking a lazy drag on his smoke and giving the youkai an icy violet leer._

_He hesitated, then steeled himself, and moved to the side of the Jeep, tense and ready to run for his life if the priest decided to shoot him anyway. "I was just curious about something," he said very slowly, raising his hands to indicate his lack of defenses. "I won't use the illusions again—they're useless at the moment."_

"_Either shut up and go or ask what you've come to ask, but pick something quickly or I'll give you a new eye socket," muttered Sanzo, his aim still flawless and his arm not the least bit tired._

_Frowning in guarded annoyance, the youkai finally blurted out, "Why do you have so many friends when all you are is a temperamental jerk?"_

_Sanzo stared, unable to restrain the surprise on his face for a brief moment, before shutting down completely. "I don't know what you're talking about, but you're beginning to piss me off. Go away. Now."_

_But Zakuro would not be deterred. "No! I need to know what your secret is! You're not the least bit charismatic, you're grumpy all the time, and you point guns at whomever you think is getting too close. How do you do it? How do you make people like you?"_

_The monk wasn't quite certain as to what was going on, and, honestly, it was about one question away from creeping him out. To get rid of the annoyance, he flicked away his ashes and glared for a moment, then growled avoidantly, "Look, they're like parasites—too dumb to notice danger or too masochistic to care. What the fuck do you want from me?"_

"_I was just wondering why nobody takes me seriously," muttered Zakuro, frowning lamely at the snow. "I want to please my mistress, but she is always so angry, and now that my illusions are no longer working properly, I'm afraid that she will have me executed. She doesn't value me at all."_

"_Do I look like a therapist? Get the hell away from me!" snapped Sanzo, feeling more than a little disturbed but hiding it behind years of practice. "If you're going to bother someone with your stupid problems, go ask Hakkai or the idiot half-breed."_

"_But they're nice to people, and you're not, and everyone is so attached to you!" he argued._

_Sanzo paused, thinking, then said in all seriousness, "If you want help with that, talk to the Stray—Lydia—whatever. Talk to her and the whipping post. If anyone can explain something that stupid, it's them. Now go away or I'll add __**two**__ new eye sockets."_

_Sensing that the monk was at the end of his tether and prepared to break it, Zakuro muttered his thanks and hurried off to ask Lydia and Konran to explain it to him._

_Once the irritant was gone, Sanzo returned to his vice and muttered dryly to himself, "Huh, I wonder why do they flock around me..."_

_Realizing what he'd said, he quickly looked around for possible witnesses, but once certain that there were none, he sat back and closed his eyes, content with letting his followers do all the work while he enjoyed his brief respite from everyone else's unfathomable stupidity. _

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_So did you picture the gnomes?? Didja? I did! _XD_ They's so cuuuuuute! (I've clearly lost my mind. _-.-;_ My bad...)_

_Am I starting to suck? Is that it? It doesn't feel like a Block—I have plenty of ideas—but I think I've been reading too many romances lately. (growls) That must be it! (Runs off to read "Bloodsucking Fiends—a Love Story" by Christopher Moore.) There, that should warp my interpretation of LOVE just enough to make this funny again._

_**REVIEW, PLEASE! You will have my eternal adoration if you do! **_

_**(1) **According to Microsoft word, "badness" is indeed a word. WEIRD. _XD_ Oh, and "super-special-awesome" is what fake-dubbed Yugi says every three minutes in "Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series" by Little Kuriboh._

_**(2) **There are so many unintentional dual-meanings in that paragraph that I deserve some sort of award. (grin)_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	23. Discomfort: Possible Side Effects

**The Sequel: Chapter XXIII (Current Mood: Pepper Jack)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I'm going on vacation from the 26th of December to the 2nd of January, so I'll be AWOL for a while. I'm just not certain that my grandparents will be able to accommodate my internet needs...so this chapter is hella, HELLA long and you DAMN WELL BETTER REVIEW! _TToTT_ I'm dying here. I caught another cold, so forgive my mood swings..._

_Hell. It's just a honking long patchwork quilt. Oh, and there's one MATURE bit, but it's not tat bad at all—mostly as a plot device for more funny._

_There was a mosquito in my room today. I freaked out because mosquitoes make that creepy sound and because it's WINTER and there was a F——ING MOSQUITO in my ROOM! (screams)_

_So I killed it forthwith and fed the corpse to my female betta fish. It made me almost dangerously happy...I love my fishy. I feed her the flesh of enemies to make her big and strong._

_Guess what? The most frequently viewed chapter so far is the SEX chapter. (grin) Oh, you dirty, dirty readers, you...then again, I wrote it..._ O.o

_You get a present for the season: Yumoa in a position of absolute power. He makes me so proud!_

_Oh, and did you know that Hakai means Destruction? (snicker) Thank you, Irony Gods._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Optimism...is a mania for saying things are well when one is in Hell."—Candide, Voltaire_

"_Why, then, was this world formed at all?' asked Candide. _'_To drive us mad,' answered Martin."—ditto _

"_What is this world of ours?' sighed Candide on the Dutch vessel. _'_Something crazy, something abominable,' Martin replied. _'_You have been in England; are people as crazy there as in France?' _'_It's a different sort of crazy,' said Martin."—ditto again_

* * *

**_Discomfort: Possible Side Effects_**

* * *

_**(Hwan and Seimei)**_

_Although dragons were an excellent method of transportation, Hwan still felt that it would be far more comfortable if she had brought two of the damned things along with her. Seimei was nothing like his genetic source, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. Then again, at least he wasn't the Professor..._

_But still! This was a little too much for her to deal with on top of all the other troubles!_

_Besides, the seating arrangement did nothing to help her situation._

"_You know, for a brainy scientist, you're awfully cute," Seimei commented over his shoulder. "You've got that 'strong, intelligent woman' thing going for you. And the glasses...I love a woman with glasses."_

_She sighed in exasperation, wishing he would either shut up or render her unconscious. At least Yumoa hadn't spent every waking moment trying to butter her up. "Look, we have a mission to accomplish, and I really would rather not anger Lady Koushu any more than I already have," she muttered, irritated that she had to huddle against his back and hold his waist tightly to keep from falling off. Well, at least the gods had higher core temperatures than humans. It was freezing this high up._

_Seimei frowned, wondering why she was being so aloof. "Hey, it's a long flight, and I see no reason why I can't compliment you to pass the time."_

"_Talk about something else," she suggested, barely hiding the irritation in her voice._

"_Hmm. Is there a weird thing going on between you and Professor Ni?" He asked the first thing to pop into his head._

_Bad idea. Just hearing that man's name brought on a wave of uncontrollable hatred in the woman._

"_Oww?!" yelped Seimei, startled at the doctor's sudden, vice-like grip. "That's my pancreas!"_

"_Fly faster!" Hwan ordered vehemently. "I'll not have my creations destroying my one chance at overtaking that pompous, pretentious, vile, repulsive...human!"_

_The clone cocked a brow. He didn't need anyone to tell him that the Doctor was harboring some seriously twisted ill will towards her superior._

"_You know, you shouldn't let that guy get to you," he ventured cautiously, spurring the dragon on faster just to be safe. "Yeah, he's a real prick, but you're a genius, too. At least you have a likeability factor working in your favor. Even if he's good at what he does—being an asshole, that is—I'd still rather hang around you." Slowly, her grip loosened to a more tolerable clutch, and he smiled to himself._

"_Even so, Lady Koushu will have me executed without hesitation if I put the revival at risk. You clones were supposed to combine your powers to speed things up, but then the disturbances happened...and it's my fault. I tried to play God, and it's gotten me into this mess."_

"_Oh, cheer up. I'm glad you made me. Being alive is much better than being a soul in a jar."_

_She went still, then raised her face from between his shoulders and leered at the back of his head in uncertainty. "You were aware before I created you?"_

_He nodded. "Yeah, you could call it that, I suppose. I don't remember who I was before that, however, so for all intents and purposes, I'm just Seimei, the clone of Comedy."_

"_Were the others the same?"_

"_You'd have to ask them," he chuckled._

_After a long, hard stare at the back of his auburn head, she turned away and rested her cheek against his warm back, a deep crease forming between her brows as she absorbed the seemingly impossible words._

"_I spliced Yumoa's DNA with Zenon's to create you," she murmured, barely a whisper. Was it possible that she had resurrected the blank slate of his existence? And if that were true, then the Lydia-Shien and Konran-Homura clones..._

_The thought made her head spin. If she had somehow brought three dead gods back to life...even if they didn't remember their previous lived, then the implications were astonishing. Perhaps there were more ways to revive Gyumaoh than they had initially believed. The youkai Lord didn't necessarily need his __**own**__ body, did he...?_

_Yes, curious._

* * *

**(Awkward, to Say the Least)**

Despite his unwavering faith in Konran's ability to protect me, Yumoa still clung to me like an avid guard dog when Kon excused himself to speak with Kannon and left the rest of us to chat it up with the now-clothed Kon clone—or Klone, for short.

In spite of the Klone's earlier declaration, he was now as docile as a butterfly, an observation which only made Comedy more protective. I couldn't figure out why he was acting this way, but it was easier to let him do as he wished, rather than argue. Yumoa could be as stubborn as he wanted, and two people being stubborn against each other never ended well.

Goku sat on my other side, next to Zakuro—who had no idea as to what was going on—but the monkey wasn't nearly as paranoid as the quirky, unpredictable god. He was just curious. Hakkai and Gojyo were catching up with Kougaiji, but Sanzo had been allowed to sleep through the whole thing.

Nobody wanted to know what that homicidal monk would do when he awakened to find yet another clone—a Klone, no less. The violent, insane priest would probably strangle someone to death in his blind rage.

This was awkward. No, I needed a stronger word than awkward, because half of my brain focused only on the Klone's physical appearance, and that half saw him as Konran, with whom I was intimately familiar.

_He's not Kon..._seethed REASON, stubbornly refusing to let any stupid thoughts slip past my guard.

I sighed and decided to break the oppressive silence. "Hey, Klone-Kon, do you have a name?"'

He looked up from his pensive stare at the snowy ground beneath his borrowed shoes and gave me an innocent look. "No...I escaped the lab..." he murmured softly. "I have no recollection prior to that, so I have no idea what my name is, if I have any at all."

That made Goku perk up in curiosity. "Wait, then how didja know about Lydia and them?"

"Well...I just knew. I could sense her, and I knew her name, and that she was someone important to who I was. Konran was the same. I share his genetic makeup, and she is very special to him, so I can only assume that I know Konran because we share DNA, and that some part of his essence has Lydia written in it." A timid chuckle escaped him at that thought. "How nice to have someone meant for you. That other one was...a fake...so I suppose the search is still on."

"What other one?" I asked, my eyes narrowed in interest. "Was it Yon She-Bitch?"

He blinked in surprise, cocking his head to one side and giving me a downright endearing frown that puckered his smooth brow and pouted his delectable lips...

_**SLAP!**_

I smacked myself across the face so suddenly and so hard that everyone around me gave a violent start, gawking as if I might metamorphose into a giant bug at any moment.

Oh, Samsa, if only I were as invisible as you were.

"Do I even want to ask?" Zakuro ventured apprehensively, his eyes wide and disturbed.

I shook my head tersely and massaged my sore jaw, putting away my hexapodian thoughts. "Nothing...a mosquito...did she look like me?" Leery about explaining my behavior, I returned to the topic at hand as though I _hadn't_ just bitch-slapped myself.

The Klone looked so concerned. "Your cheek is red. Are you going to be okay?" He still had that pouty, puppy look, exuding the kind of sweet gentleness only Kon and Yumoa ever showed me.

"I'M FINE! _Answer the damn question or __**I'll put you through a Hell to make Vlad Dracul look like a bunny rabbit**_" I hissed, unable to control my reflexive grip on Ryushi. The sword was stuck into the ground, and I held it with both hands, appalled at my lack of attention and fully prepared to remove the offending obstacle if things got out of hand.

Yumoa's hold on my arm tightened instinctively. He knew! Somehow, he knew what was going on in my backstabbing cranial cavity! I was mortified beyond repair. Embarrassment would kill me in one fell swoop, of this I was certain.

After a long, worried pause, the Klone at last sighed and said plainly, "You know, you can tell me to leave if I'm making you uncomfortable."

"Look, just answer the freaking question!" I shrieked, losing patience—mostly with myself. "Yon She-Bitch is AWOL and I have to hunt her down and sacrifice her to Sanzo at some point to appease His Holiness. Plus, she an intolerable twit. I can't stand that creature." I realized then that my hands were trembling, and quickly let go of the blade to shove my freezing extremities into the leather coat's warm pockets. I kept my eyes on the ground. "She looks like me, but she's blonde, with light eyes," I growled, letting my rage towards the abhorrent doppelganger keep my thoughts in check.

"Yes, I saw her...and judging by how hard I hit her, she could still be unconscious in the bushes over there. Then again, if she's like me and derived from divine DNA, then she might be awake already." Surprised, I looked up in time to see him motion towards the woods just beyond the Land Rover.

"Wait, you hit her?" Goku inquired. "Why?"

He gave the semi-simian sage an incredulous glare. "Why?' you ask? That should be obvious! She's the most irritating thing I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. Granted, I haven't been able to know much, but that little girl just hit all the wrong buttons for some reason."

"That's how Kon acts!" announced Comedy.

"That's how we all act," I pointed out. "Sanzo, too. Hell, she nearly drove _Yaone_ to homicide, and she's an utter sweetheart." There was definitely something more to Yon She-Bitch. It seemed to be her special power, to incite so much hatred in otherwise docile people.

"Well, If you wish to tie her up again, please do so," the Klone offered. "I'll even help."

"Er...right...I'll just get Kon to..." I trailed off, bothered by the concept of my Konran touching that _thing_ again. Yes, _my_ Konran. Like hell he belonged to anyone else. He was _my_ slave, _my _roommate, _my_...lo-lllllllov..._DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!_ The bastard took my virginity, for sanity's sake, and _**I couldn't even say the L-word?!**_ "On second thought, I'll reprimand her forthwith, _myself_." Itching to escape this awkward situation, I drew away from Yumoa to stand and yank my sword out of the snow, intent on a bloodbath to cool my head.

However, as I was about to leave, the Klone got up and approached cautiously, touching my shoulder.

I froze and resisted the sudden torrent of contrary emotions—one of which wanted me to tackle him to the ground and have my way with him, and the other to snap his spine in several places and rip his still-beating heart out of his sternum.

Man, I needed to up the dosage on those psychotics...

"_**YES?!**_" What was supposed to be a neutral inquiry ended up sounding as though one of my inner voices was a homicidal chipmunk suffering from demonic possession.

"_SNIFFY WANTS __**MEAT!**__"_—I imagined it would sound something like that.

He raised a brow, but instead of doing what any sane person would do and putting himself at a safe distance, he rolled his eyes. "Okay, I understand that the fact that I look like your lover is...beyond awkward...no, I think it's worse, but I don't know how to describe it..." he blinked. "Anyway, I was just wondering if you could give me a name?" He looked hopeful.

Well, at least _**he**_ could say it. I frowned so hard I thought my face would freeze in place. "Er...okay? Just...just give me some time to think about it..."

At that, he smiled brightly and sincerely. "Thank you." Then he turned and sat back down.

_Stop staring at him!_ shrieked REASON. _Turn around, damn you! Now march, missy!_

"Yeesh, bossy today, aren't we?" I grumbled under my breath as I marched into the woods with my sword drawn and sought out that stupid clone.

I needed the stress relief in a bad way.

"Here, Bitchy, Bitchy, Bitchy..." I growled, letting the crazy laughter escape as I closed in on my victim.

* * *

_**(Informative)**_

_Konran was in disbelief, giving Kannon the hairy eyeball like nobody's business and muttering random oaths under his breath in Latin and Greek. He had hoped for better news than this. Yumoa was going to be so upset...wait...best not to tell Comedy unless completely necessary._

"_I take it you know of this...non-god?" Kannon pressed, still unsure as to what she should call their unwanted guest. She watched in fascination as the God of Chaos visibly cracked, then put himself back together._

_Once he'd composed himself, he muttered darkly, "Oh, there are very few who don't know Uncle Loki. He's crashed so many parties on Olympus that he is no longer allowed to even visit. What I don't understand is why he decided to come here, of all the absurd..."_

"_Well, he's here, and you have to send him back as soon as possible. He's playing with the fabric of my dimension, and since I can't do a damn thing about it, I'll be counting on you." She gave him a dark scowl to convey the torment she would bestow upon him if he failed to complete the task._

"_Er, un-understood," he stammered, startled at the normally cool goddess' sudden ire. "Anyway, I need to go tell everybody what we're up against. Loki is like Yumoa in that he can't tell the difference between right and wrong, but different because he usually chooses the wrong path."_

"_Uh-huh." She was still glaring as he slowly backed away and finally turned to get back and tell all concerned about their target._

_Once away, he let out the breath he had been holding. Kannon was really worked up about this, and it didn't help that she wouldn't be able to do anything to help it...including protecting Lydia if things went awry._

_At that frightening thought, he broke into a run, and in a matter of seconds, he was back at the stalling point where everyone but the slumbering monk had gathered._

"_...Where's Lydia?" he asked, seeing the empty space between Comedy and Goku and fighting the rising hysteria._

"_She went to catch the Lydiclone," Goku replied, producing a snack from seeming nowhere and munching absently. "What'd Kannon say, huh?"_

"_I'll tell you later. Get Kougaiji, Gojyo, and Hakkai—I have to find Lydia first, then we can discuss it. Yumoa, you stay here."_

"_What about Sanzo?"_

_Konran gave him a poignant look. "I think it's safer to wait until he wakes of his own volition, don't you?"_

_Goku's bright golden eyes grew even bigger than usual. "Ah...good idea."_

"_How come I hafta stay?!" demanded Yumoa, feeling rather left-out._

"_I want you to watch over Harry and Ichigo when Goku brings Kougaiji and the guys over. Plus, I don't want my twin wandering off—no offense," he added quickly for the Klone's benefit._

_The Klone shrugged passively. "None taken. I understand your position."_

"_Thanks. I'll be back once I find Lydia..." he paused as he caught the unmistakable sound of a vicious battle waging somewhere in the forest, and gave everyone an apologetic smile. "That's my cue." Without another word, he left them to carry out his orders and followed the snarls and screams into the trees._

* * *

**(Interception)**

I found Yon She-Bitch sitting on a rock next to an ancient sycamore, crying her eyes out into the skirt of her pink, skimpy little halter top sundress. It pissed me off, since one of her other abilities was to make everyone feel whatever she was feeling—according to Konran, at least. This bitch was _not_ going to make me cry, by Zeus!

Growling low in my throat, I stepped out of the brush and stood before the startled clone, pointing Ryushi straight between her eyes and wishing Kon hadn't gotten rid of Betty and Tommy while stealing my clothes. Fifteen hundred smackers down the drain...he was _so_ buying me a car when we got home.

"Yo, She-Bitch, I'm in a bad mood, so I'm going to kill you now," I informed her.

Her bloodshot, puffy eyes stared as though I were out of my mind—which I was, so it didn't really bother me. "Um, what?" she sniffed, still too absorbed in her own troubles to recognize Death staring her in the face.

"I. Am. Here. To. Kill. Your. Candy. Ass." I enunciated slowly, making certain that she knew exactly why I had the sword in my hand.

She frowned, tears once more welling up in her enormous Barbie eyes. "Shut up, you meanie. Take your stupid Konran. He's an idiot and a jerk, and I hope he dies."

I have no idea why that set me off. Perhaps I was feeling insulted on Konran's behalf, or maybe it was the fact that she was using _my_ face to say dumb things about my...my lov—SCREW IT! I attacked, and just in time, she realized my purpose and scrambled back.

"Get away from me, you FREAK!" she screamed. "I said you can have him! Leave me alone!"

"You abomination of nature, I'm going to feed your liver to the eagles!" I shrieked, lunging at her and delivering a flying kick to the side of her head. She grunted and fell to the ground, but rolled quickly away before I could tear her innards out with Ryushi's hook. "Get back here, She-Bitch! Prometheus needs your liver!" I cried.

"You monster!" she sneered, finally waking up to smell the blood and leaping at me with her retractable claws exposed.

An enormous tussle then ensued, she using her Catwoman moves and me using the suicidal insanity I was best known for. It was a fairly even fight, I had to admit, with both of us getting in some good shots. It probably looked like a cartoon brawl to an outsider, with growling and snapping, and blades and claws flashing about in a blur of dirt and snow and stars.

And then, too quickly, I felt myself being yanked back and restrained against the warmest chest in the world, panting from the effort of giving it my all and struggling to get back into the fight. A scratch across my scalp was leaking blood down my face, but the coat from Kannon protected the rest of me from harm.

"Lydia, please calm down," whispered that familiar, musical tenor, and the savage beast was immediately soothed. I lowered my sword in surprise as I looked up at Kon.

"She...said...she was talkin' crap about you!" I accused. Yon She-Bitch growled at my shout, and I sneered and flipped her the bird. "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it, Bitch?!" I cackled, waving my finger at her as the stress of existence finally snapped my fragile barrier of sanity. Ah, it felt like old times, when the gang would incite battles to overtake lesser territories in the boondocks...I'd hit my peak at age twelve—thus beginning a slow decline into further derangement. I was almost at Bottom. Mr. Durden would be _so_ proud.

"Princess, honestly!" muttered Kon, restraining my sword-wielding hand and putting me in a firm headlock. "With everything that's going on, the last thing I need is for you to go running off into the unknown and starting frivolous confrontations."

"Lemme go, Ass-Hat! I'mma skewer Yon She-Bitch and ROAST HER FOR DINNER!" I shrieked, before succumbing to a disconcerting string of giggles. "Barbecue sauce and tocino and bitch-back ribs...yesssssss..._**LYDIA WANTS MEAT.**_" Aha! Sniffy was my inner cannibal, it would seem.

"Again with the cannibalism?! Who was your mother? An Amazonian pygmy?! And you're bleeding!" He swept a hand across my cheek and it came away covered in blood.

Slowly, I turned to give him a creepy, snickering grin. "I'm short for a reason, and that's as good as any..." I hissed.

He sighed and muttered something Greek under his breath, then turned to Dinner. "Look, just to be clear, I'm not your friend. However, I don't think it's wise to let Lydia go around consuming people in a mad rage. Also, the one who hit you wasn't me. There's another clone, like you—only he's a clone of me. Oddly enough, the only difference is our eye color."

I twitched. "KOOOOOOONRAAAAN..._how __**dare**__ ye show kindnessssss to Yon Shhhheeeee-Bitch..."_

"Lydia," he said in a warning tone, frowning at me. "I understand that you feel threatened, but honestly, it was an accident. I was damn near killing myself at the time, and I grabbed the nearest straw."

"A straw dressed like a whore wearing clown paint and a poorly-done dye job..." I growled under my breath. Thank the gods, it hadn't been permanent dye. I don't know how long I would have been able to resist the killing urge if her hair had stayed black. To be perfectly fair, it was a miracle I had made it this far.

"Wait...the one who...he wasn't the real Konran?" mumbled Dinner, her eyes growing wide and filling with glistening tears of happiness. "Konran! He said such horrible things to me with your beautiful face!" She broke down on the spot, sobbing into the snow. A wave of compassion overcame me for a split moment, before I crushed it beneath my immense pride as a certified psychopath.

Kon looked at me again, frowning worriedly, and I gave him the most powerful Evil Eye I possessed, warning him of the impending horrors he would face if he so much as blinked in her direction. He cringed.

"Yo, DINNER!" I seethed, jerking out of Kon's hold and glowering at the rump roast. Pouting glossy pink lips, she raised her/my face and tilted her/my head at me in confusion.

"Yes?"

My eye gave an angry twitch. "Konran may not have been the one to beat your ass the way I'd prefer, but you'd better get one thing straight, missy!"

"What?" she muttered sourly, letting her irritation with my presence be known.

Without warning, I spun back to Kon and pounced, knocking him onto his back and kissing him so hard and so deeply that even I began to feel faint. Ohhhh...it boggled the mind that anyone could taste so good. If there were anyone I'd eat without hesitation, it was Kon. Best if I didn't tell him that, however. If I ate him, then he'd be gone forever, and I couldn't have that. I doubted very much that a normal mortal would be able to live up to his reputation in bed—or even be willing to come within striking distance.

After what felt like an eternity, I forced myself away and grinned evilly at Yon She-Bitch. "He's _mine,_" I hissed possessively, gripping his hair so hard it was a miracle I hadn't scalped him. "I will neither share him nor abdicate my rule."

She turned beet-red as I watched her, and in an angry huff, she snubbed her nose at me and stalked off towards the stalling point. "Don't think this is over, Freak," she muttered under her breath.

"Bring it on, Tenderloin." I was chuckling like a deranged Hell Beast when I looked back down at the still-prostrate god, and he blinked up at me in either fear or surprise.

"That was..." he began, before frowning in bafflement. "Okay, I don't even know what that was, but I liked it...a lot."

I smirked. "Masochist. It's dangerous to get involved with the certifiably insane—did mommy teach you nothing?"

He cocked a brow, then sat up and grabbed hold of my hips, his large, slender hands easily trapping me against him. "No, but Auntie Aphrodite taught me all about how to pleasure a woman properly," he whispered sweetly, giving me a demonic little smile and pulling me closer to kiss along my throat. "Why don't I show you what I've learned, hmm? If you want me so much it would be cruel to deny you."

"I think it's damn creepy that your blood relative taught you these things," I breathed, gripping his shoulders tightly as a shiver crawled down my spine and warmed my insides.

He sighed and rolled his eyes at me. "She didn't do it herself—I was under her care, and she's good friends with some nymphs—ANYWAY! Shut up and take your pants off, Princess. Don't worry, I'll keep you warm." He grinned brightly and shattered all the sense I had ever possessed.

He met no resistance when he reversed the tackle and pinned me down, and by the time he was through with me I'd completely forgotten about that thing I was supposed to do with that one pointy, metallic bit and...yeahhhh.

I love my Kon.

* * *

**(Twenty Minutes Later—MATURE)**

"I can't breathe!" I gasped, trembling between the warmth of the god and the freezing snow. My pants were somewhere over...well I wasn't sure where they were, actually. At least I knew where my underwear was—hanging around one ankle.

Kon chuckled at me, grinning in triumph as his stunning eyes glittered happily. "Look at you, blushing so red! If you enjoy it so much, would you like to go again?"

"Shut...up!" I panted, giving him a halfhearted smack, then gasping again when he decided to move. We were still coupled together, and he didn't seem too keen on letting me escape. The bastard was a machine! Just one trip wiped me out, and he had already risen to the occasion for round two?!

He smirked. "Ah, I suppose sex _al fresco_ is a bit advanced for an amateur like you. Can you walk?"

I gave him a horrified look, imagining how badly I could mangle my fragile human ankles if I tried to navigate the icy, pitfall-ridden forest with Jell-O legs. "No. I don't think I could even stand—or sit! What the hell kind of power over me do you have, anyway?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

Rather suddenly, he picked me up so that I was straddled across his lap, and I cried out despite myself when he slid deeper, "Too big! You're gonna break me!" Sweet sanity, pain never felt so good.

His arm tightened around my waist, and he reached up with his free hand, touching my face and tilting my head back to make me meet his gaze. "I couldn't break you even if I tried," he murmured softly, kissing my forehead and pulling me into a warm embrace. "If anyone would break, it would be me."

"Idiot. You're a god," I grumbled, feeling more than a little compromised and embarrassed. I hoped against hope that nobody decided to take a stroll in the woods and see us like this.

"Yes, well, considering what's coming, I'm feeling somewhat helpless. I could lose you so easily."

"Yeah, and whoever decides to take me away is going down with me," I snapped, patting his cheeks lightly. "Buck up, Kon. You're tougher than this. You managed to tie me down and make me _like it_, so have some confidence!"

He stared at me for a long, thoughtful moment, then smiled. "I love you, you know."

"I know. It's kind of obvious." I gestured towards our state of dress—his shirt was wide open, framing a pearly chest and stomach to make Adonis weep, my shirt was shoved up above my breasts beneath the coat, and my pants had done their little vanishing act...again. Luckily, his core temperature was about a hundred and ten, so freezing was impossible.

That made him chuckle a little, then without warning he squeezed my thighs, lifting me up and pulling out while I bit my lip and suppressed a moan. "You love me, too, right?" he asked almost conversationally as he stood and produced my jeans from somewhere behind him. I took them and waited for him to tuck himself away.

"I think it's safe to say that I'm hopelessly lost to you, and completely okay with that," I replied in the meanwhile, sighing once the spasms ceased. My cycle had ended in record time, so I didn't have to worry about leaving a trail of blood in the snow—a small consolation for the embarrassment I was surely about to face upon our return. Then again, he'd used the snow to clean the blood from my face and hair...

It bothered me that I could no longer use the excuse that I'd dragged him off to be beaten, even if there _was_ blood all over the place. Nobody would believe me that at this point—not even the monkey...

I felt very sleepy.

"Help," I requested softly, and my lover—because that's what he was, I now understood—helped me redress myself, before hastily fixing his shirt. Once done, he picked me up as though I weighed nothing and cradled me in his warmth to easily head through the treacherous forest towards the Land Rover.

"I'll let you rest once we discuss what Kannon told me," he promised.

I raised a brow and snuggled closer to his chest. "I'll bet you a copy of Bioshock that they're making bets as to what we were doing back there."

"They can't possibly know," he muttered, though it sounded as if he were trying to convince himself as well.

"Look, Gojyo's over there. Do you honestly believe his ero-sense isn't tingling right now? He knew the entire time that I had deeply buried affection for you—before _you_ knew it, I'll wager."

His shoulders slumped a little. "Good point. I'd buy you the game anyway, though."

I chuckled a little. "Sorry, but considering how I've lost to you so thoroughly, I really need to feel like I've won something right now."

"As you wish, Princess," he sighed, tightening his arms and smiling sweetly at me.

* * *

_**(Cabal and Clone Therapy)**_

"_You know, from how you were talking, I'd thought there was some kinda emergency," muttered Gojyo, stubbing out his fifth cigarette since Goku had herded the four of them together. Zakuro and Yumoa were watching over Ichigo, Harry, and the Klone—though Ichigo was nursing a concussion, Harry was going into serious post-traumatic shock and rocking at the end of a fallen log, and the Klone was perfectly happy with sitting still and keeping a non-threatening air about himself._

_Hakkai smiled at Gojyo's impatience. "Well, the Lydiclone just came back and got willingly into the Land Rover, so we should expect Konran and Lydia to follow."_

"_Yes, but I still find it a little unsettling that the Lydiclone came back at all. Did Konran say what kind of news Kannon had for us?" Kougaiji asked Goku as he leaned against the off-roader's shiny, metallic silver fender and folded his arms loosely across his chest._

_The monkey shook his head from his seat on the roof of the vehicle. "Nope. He just said to get you guys together, and not bother Sanzo. I think he was worried about Lydia bein' alone in the woods, so it must've been important."_

_After he'd spoken, there came the sound of feet crunching through snow and brambles, and Konran emerged from the forest, carrying Lydia in his arms and humming an ancient tune from the Festival of Bacchus. Lydia was pinker than usual, her hair disheveled and windblown; and Kon was grinning as though he'd won the lottery jackpot, though his clothes were in disarray, with his shirt buttons misaligned and partly undone. _

"_Five says they did it in the woods!" announced Gojyo, immediately throwing down a wad of cash._

"_No way!" Goku growled indignantly, patting his pockets and adding his portion to the pot: a pack of sweets._

"_I refuse to be involved," Kougaiji asserted, giving the monkey and cockroach a disparaging frown._

_Hakkai sighed, "Same here." Though, his little amused smirk suggested that if he had been joining in on the bet he would have sided with Gojyo._

_Konran spotted them then, and suddenly looked embarrassed—avoiding their eyes as he approached—and sat down on a rock with Lydia curled in his lap. "Er...she's...having trouble...uh...walking..." he mumbled._

_Goku gaped in horror at the two of them while Gojyo burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Hakkai just turned away to mask his chuckle, and Kougaiji's eyes widened in unease and surprise. Part of him was shocked that they had actually done it in the woods on a snowy day—the rest was debating over whether Kon was too talented or too rough. What kind of power did he have that could make LYDIA unable to even WALK?!_

_He would have to rethink his views on the power of gods._

"_I win!" chuckled the kappa, scooping up the money and candy, then placing it in his pocket. He gave Kon a proud grin. "Nice work, you stud, you!"_

_Lydia chose that moment to open her eyes. "I'm awake, asshole," she said through gritted teeth, before turning to Chaos and nuzzling his cheek. "Told you so. Hurry up. I wanna sleep..." she muttered._

_Kon smiled sheepishly as everyone simply watched in disbelief. Even Hakkai was derailed. She wasn't brandishing her sword or yelling death threats or answering the voices in her head...WHO WAS THIS GIRL?!_

"_It's still Lydia," Kon muttered, comprehending their expressions and giving them an exasperated frown. "And since she's tired from...uh, battle...I need to tell you what Kannon told me."_

"_Battle,' he says," scoffed Gojyo under his breath. "I guess sex with that girl would probably be like a fight to the death or something equally violent."_

_Koran's eye gave a near-imperceptible twitch. "__**Did you say something?**__" he growled in irritation and embarrassment._

"_Silence, or I'll eat you, fruitcake," Lydia muttered, raising a hand and gripping Kon's neck so hard he turned purple. "Don't think I won't do it. You taste good."_

Ah,_ thought everyone, sweatdropping all at once. _That's definitely her...and yet—maybe we should pretend we didn't hear that.

_At last, everyone went into serious-mode, including Lydia, though she was in Kon's lap the whole time, staring groggily at him and smiling at odd moments. Once he could breathe properly, he explained the fact that Kannon wouldn't be able to assist them with this, no matter how bad it got, and that Comedy could not, under any circumstances, figure out whom they were tasked to find and eliminate._

"_Any questions?" he said once he was through. Lydia leaned closer and whispered something in his ear, and he shivered despite himself. "Any __**pertinent**__ questions?!" he said shrilly, staring at her as though she had asked something almost terrifyingly erotic involving knives and fuzzy handcuffs._

_Gojyo eyed Lydia in curiosity, then muttered, "So this Loki god is a blood brother to the king of the...Norse gods, right?" Kon nodded way too quickly. "Right. So if he isn't a real god, I don't get how he could cause so much trouble."_

"_You don't know Loki. He infamous amongst all gods, regardless of religion. Hell, even the Hindu gods won't let him near. In his mythology, he's the one slated to bring the world to an end."_

"_How?" Kougaiji inquired._

"_Norse gods tend to have more mystical powers. Those of us in the Greek realm are pretty much confined to strategic procreation—a favorite of Zeus and my father—and subliminal messages—basically all the women—to manipulate the Lower World. However, Loki is a special case in that he doesn't have to follow the rules of the gods. Imagine an ignorant child playing carelessly with the activation switch to a nuclear warhead. That's Loki."_

"_So is Matt Damon," Lydia supplied._

"_That was a movie, sweetheart," sighed Chaos. "He played a different Loki, too." He looked at the others. "If that's all, I'd like to get her in the Land Rover."_

"_The Lydiclone's in here." Goku pointed beneath at the vehicle and made a face. "I think she's in a bad mood. She showed up screamin' an' kickin' rocks, then got in and slammed the door. What happened?"_

_Kon winced a little. "Nothing...I'll just make sure she understands that hurting Lydia will only make her situation with me worse than it already is." Seeing that no one else had any more questions for him, the god stood up and brought Lydia to the other side of the vehicle while they conferred over how much to tell Sanzo._

"_What should I call you?" Lydia mumbled as he was opening the door._

_Perplexed at the question, he set her in the seat and leaned in to meet her eyes. "What do you mean? Kon, Konran, Chaos, and Ass-Hat are your primary vocatives, aren't they? Andy, too, in our realm."_

_She shook her head slowly, frowning up at him. "No...I mean...what are __**we?**__ Us. Together."_

"_What do you think?" he asked cautiously, wondering where the misunderstanding came from._

"_I love you, and we're getting married, but right now, what are we?" This seemed to be of dire importance to her psyche, and he stared at her for a long time, trying to figure it out himself._

"_Well...we're friends, yes?" he ventured._

_After a thought, she nodded, smiling a little. "Of course. More than that, though, considering how I'm going to marry you."_

"_We're also lovers, partners, co-conspirators..." he chuckled at the image. "I'm here for you, even if you're not here for me."_

_That made her frown hard. "I'm here for you," she said sternly, reaching out and holding her comparatively tiny hand against his face. It was rough with calluses from a difficult life and plenty of swordplay, but he adored her hands, turning towards her cool skin and planting a kiss against her palm. She shook her head in confusion. "You're too good to me, Kon."_

"_Oh, you're worth it," he said with a smile. "You've stabbed me, beaten me, emotionally destroyed me on several occasions...but you fix me every time, more easily than you've ever torn me down. We've been through so much together that it's reached the point where I'm content with a life of madness. You're the sweetest demon I've ever known."_

"_You're an idiot," she sighed, dropping her hand and smiling at him, "but I still love you."_

"_Every time you say those words, a pig takes flight and Hades feels a draft." He smirked, taking her face in his hands and kissing her softly. "I __**adore**__ you," he whispered as he drew away. "Now, you should rest while I go sort things out with my clone and help Hakkai and Gojyo figure out what to do about Sanzo's escalating madness and rage. I think we should probably keep our little romps behind closed doors from now on—at least until the snow melts. I'll try to get us moving soon." _

"_Good idea," she muttered, shivering a little. "Could you turn on the heat? It's cold in here."_

"_Sure." He took out the keys and reached across to start the engine, sighing when she absently tousled his hair as he adjusted the heater's settings. When he drew back, however, he peered between the seats and spotted the Lydiclone staring at him, tears in her eyes once more._

"_I give up..." she whispered, scrubbing her wet cheeks with the back of a hand and sniffling. "You're perfect for each other."_

_Hearing this, but too exhausted to respond with violence, Lydia turned and frowned a little at the doppelganger. "You really think so?"_

_The clone nodded. "I guess I'll have to look somewhere else for my husband."_

"_**Maybe**__ you should start with a friend," Lydia muttered, realizing that she should feel irritated, and trying to muster enough sarcasm to fill a thimble, at the very least. "I was going through life oblivious when this idiot bashed me upside the head with all that love' crap."_

_The clone froze, then looked up at her with a startled expression. "Will __**you**__ be my friend?"_

"_Eh? No, I mean...find a guy friend...and HELL NO, I'm not gonna be your friend! You tried to seduce my man—you __**did**__ seduce my man." She looked at Kon—who had frozen in place, prepared for the blows to fall upon his more sensitive areas—and hooked an arm around his neck. "Since it was sort of my fault, I'll let it slide, but if it happens again, I'll show you why Hell fears the day I come knocking at its gates." Suddenly, she tightened her hold and brought the knuckles of her other hand to his head, and he yelped in pain as she gave him a Nuclear Noogie._

_The clone winced, covering her eyes, then once the screams stopped she looked to find Konran lying semiconscious on in Lydia's lap. "If you love him, why do you hurt him all the time?" she demanded, utterly confused._

_She shrugged, fondly combing her fingers through his silky hair. "We love to hurt the ones we love. I guess it makes me a bit...different...but the way I see it, if my usual behavior is unforgivably violent, then the fact that he stays with me makes him worthy. Plus, it makes any affection I show seem more irrational and special. Honestly, this guy here needs a Nobel Peace Prize, 'cause taming me is like taming a wild horse: one wrong move and all your hard work is rendered ineffective."_

_Kon chose that moment to wake up, and slowly pushed himself off of Lydia, giving her a disappointed frown. "Was that really necessary?"_

"_You had sex with another woman—LOTS of other women. Tell me I'm wrong to hold a bit of a grudge. It was either a noogie or castration."_

_That shut him up, and with a resigned sigh he drew back. "Okay, __**now**__ I'm going. If you get hungry, the food is in the back seat." He indicated the densely packed rucksack beside the Lydiclone. "I'll try to get us moving again, too. You need a warm bed instead of a cold bucket seat, and Hakkai mentioned a city on the map not far from here that we could reach by nightfall."_

"_Hey, tell your Klone that his name is now Solitus," she said before he closed the door._

"_What's that supposed to mean? His name is 'normal'? What?"_

"_Before I went to wage war, he said he had no name, since he escaped too quickly. He asked me to give him one, and since he's the only clone who hasn't turned out to be a complete negative of his progenitor, his name can be 'normal' in Latin." She smiled, as though immensely proud._

"_Huhh...okay, then. I'll let him know. For now, though, I want you to eat something then take a nap. And you, back there, if you harm my Princess in any way, shape, or form, I'll chain you to a boulder and drop you to the bottom of the Mariana Trench with a bag of irritated piranhas tied around your head."_

_The Lydiclone nodded meekly._

"_Good girl." He gave Lydia another quick kiss, then shut the door and headed off to sort out the plans._

_Silence ensued in the vehicle, other than some rustling when the clone decided to find some food, and Lydia sighed, shaking her head and wondering when her ass would stop aching. She was surprised, however, when she found a blueberry muffin floating beside her._

"_What's this for?" she asked the Lydiclone._

"_He told you to eat, didn't he? You've got that condition or whatever, right? Plus, if anything happens to you, I don't want him getting mad at me." She waggled the muffin until Lydia grudgingly took it._

"_Thanks," she muttered, going against every rational thought in her head, and ate the muffin in silence._

* * *

_**(Why Comedy Has No Business Being in Charge)**_

"_Okie-dokie, Minions!" hissed the God of Comedy as he goose-stepped back and forth in front of a terrified aggregate of wizard, shinigami, and youkai. "From this moment forth, you are all my slaves! The game is a foot! It is also a hand and a head, in my philosophy! Your limbs are in grave danger, and the enemy is none other than Mr. Copyright Infringement!" He whirled around and drew his white katana in a sweeping arc, the point landing on a slightly dazed and confused Klone—a.k.a. Solitus, but the god was unaware of Lydia's executive decision and the Klone was thusly misnominated. (A/N: I invented that word, apparently, but misnomen is a real word that Word is too stupid to recognize. I simply turned it into a verb. GO ME!)_

_It was a rare and frightening occurrence to see the cheerful Yumoa in such a state, but even he had his limits._

"_Is this because he said that thing about the girl?" ventured Zakuro as he slowly scooted backwards in the snow in a weak attempt at escape. With malfunctioning illusions all over the damn place, he was practically defenseless._

_Comedy froze in mid-step, then slowly turned to glare at the youkai with eyes like raging infernos. "Indeed, Lieutenant Colonel. Mr. Infringement has committed the most grievous crime imaginable, in thinking that my Lydia will belong to anyone but my B.F.F. Kon. THEY ARE BOUND BY FATE...yet he dares overstep the limits..." His eyes narrowed to demonic slits. "I shall partake of his soul before I allow such a perversion of the moral code."_

"_P-Partake...S-S-SOUL?!" Harry's eyes bugged out beyond the frame of his glasses without difficulty in this animated environment. "What do you mean by that? What's this about his soul?"_

_Yumoa grinned suddenly, and all present gave an uncontrollable shudder. "I'm a god. I can take his soul and do unimaginable things to it," he chuckled darkly, squeezing Bob in both hands hard enough to make the little Borg Bunny sweat._

"_L-L-L-Like w-w-what?" stuttered the somewhat worse-for-wear shinigami. "What un-unimaginable things?!"_

_A heinous giggle escaped the god, followed by the most sadistic smile to which anyone—living or dead—had ever borne witness. "An eternity in Hades, floating naked in Phlegethon, the River of Fire; with no company other than an eternal playlist of Phil Collins' Greatest Hits."_

_He resumed marching and muttering to himself in Latin—barefoot, dressed in blue and yellow pastel duckie pajamas, and swinging around an eight-hand sword to be the envy of any self-respecting samurai._

_The Minions shuddered. Their Totalitarian Dictator was an immortal madman...his regime would reign supreme forever!_

_They shuddered again._

"_L-L-Look, it's n-not all th-th-th-__**that**__ bad," Harry attempted._

"_You dare question the flawless reasoning of your Master?!" cried Yumoa, twirling the blade and swinging it a hair's breadth away from the wizard's nose. "I'll have you court-marshaled for insubordination, Ensign!"_

"_Okay, WHOSE MILITARY ARE WE?!" demanded Ichigo._

_**SWISHHH—THUNK.**_

_Ichigo was no longer conscious. Again._

"_**You do not speak unless spoken to!**__" the normally happy god shrieked in an indescribable rage._

_Being people of fair-to-average intelligence, Zakuro and Harry immediately abased themselves before their almighty Master and begged forgiveness for their indiscretions._

_Comedy frowned at them, then nodded sagely with an appreciative grunt, "That'll do, men. Charlie is stationary, so rest for now. We'll meet again at oh-five hundred to discuss our offensive strategy. Stand down!"_

_Slowly, they rose up, shivering from both the cold and the innate terror, and slowly, Zakuro raised his hand._

"_You, First Sergeant Lance Corporal Lieutenant Ruddiger." Comedy was making crap up at this point._

_Zakuro blinked in bafflement, looking around to see this imaginary friend to whom the General had spoken. But after seeing no one else there, he realized that this "Ruddiger" fellow was, in fact, Zakuro himself, and—still frowning—asked slowly, "Who is Charlie?"_

"_**That's**__ Charlie, DUUUUUH!" he jabbed the sword in the Klone's general direction._

_The Klone cocked a brow. "Really, I'd rather not be called Charlie. Pick something better—and why Charlie?"_

"_BECAUSE CHARLIE IS IN THE TREES!" exploded the God of All Things Funny and Somewhat Unnerving._

"_WHY IS CHARLIE IN THE TREES?!" the Klone retorted impatiently. "WHAT BUSINESS COULD THIS 'CHARLIE' __**POSSIBLY**__ HAVE IN THE TREES?!"_

"_**YOU**__ ARE CHARLIE, ERGO __**YOU ARE IN THE TREES!**__" Comedy shrieked in response. "__**Speak not to me traitorous fiend! You who stole the form of my dear cousin! You who aims to steal my Lydia!**__"_

"_I am __**NOT**__ in __**ANY TREES!**__" the Klone cried in absolute exasperation. "And have you been paying any attention at all!? I'm not taking Lydia away from anybody! I had no idea she was taken, and now that the matter has been cleared up, I'm just here because she and Konran think it's better to have me where they can keep an eye on me! __**IS THAT SO THREATENING?!**__"_

"_Yes."_

_He threw his hands in the air. "Oh, for fuck's sake..."_

_Comedy's eyes went wide with shock and indignation, and before you could say "pajama party" he had launched an all-out one-man offensive on the Klone. Being of sound mind, Zakuro attempted to hold him back, but was summarily beaten down by the wrathful god. Like an avenging beast, Yumoa leapt into frenzied battle, similar to how Lydia would have done it if she had been present and not recovering from vigorous sex with the insatiable and disturbingly flexible God of Chaos._

"_Have at you, potty-mouth! En garde!"_

"_Yumoa, what the hell are you doing?" Konran demanded, appearing in a burst of coal dust after hearing the ruckus._

_Before he could spear the Klone through his gastrointestinal cavity like shish kebab, Comedy stopped and hung suspended in the middle of the air, turning innocently to the aforementioned satyromaniac._

_Konran frowned, then glared upwards. "YOU! DAMN YOU! DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS YOU CALL ME YOU CRAZED, FICUS-LOVING, PIMP DEW-HUSTLING, EGOMANIACAL CONTROL FREAK!" shouted Chaos to the cold skies above._

Shut up, **bitch**. I **own** you,_ snapped the author._

"_I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that..." muttered Zakuro, eyeing a cloud in suspicion, then turning to leer questioningly at the god._

"_Oh, yeah...dammit." Grumbling, Chaos gave up on his fruitless bid for awareness and free will, and glared at his cousin. "Are you trying to kill my Klone?" he demanded, shaking off the feeling of being watched and manipulated like a helpless puppet._

"_He is!" Zakuro shouted, scrambling to his feet and jumping behind Konran for safety. "He's been like this for twenty minutes now! He hit that boy over there pretty hard, and the Great Zakuro was scared witless! I just want to go back to Houtou Castle! I don't want to play your god-games anymore!"_

_Kon turned to Harry, who simply nodded like a terrified bobble head doll, and continued to nod as Kon returned to his now-grounded cousin. "Look, he's not your enemy," he sighed, somehow drawing on his deepest, most illogical reservoir of magnanimity and merely frowning at the pajama-clad avenging god. "The enemy is the one who is making people like Harry and Ichigo pop up in unrelated dimensions, okay? Solitus is just another bystander—wrong place at the wrong time and all that."_

"_Solitus'?" Yumoa made a face. "Can't I just call him Charlie?"_

_Chaos blinked and looked to Zakuro for an explanation, but the hallucinogenic youkai merely shrugged to convey his equivalent confusion. Kon didn't bother complicating things further by pointing out that the Klone wasn't a stray puppy to be fought over and named and forced to wear tiny sweaters. One Stray was enough for one dimensional-plane—any more and reality would collapse to a singularity and all time would come to a standstill. The Lydiclone's presence had already put it at breaking point._

"_Why do you want to call him Charlie? Lydia already decided on a name," he asked simply._

"_Because Charlie is in the trees," explained Yumoa._

_Kon just stared._

"_I like Solitus, if my opinion has any bearing at all here," the Klone interjected._

_Chaos nodded. "No, you can't call him Charlie," he said sternly to Comedy. "Lydia wants it to be Solitus. Are you going to hurt Lydia's feelings and call him something else?" he demanded—leaving out the part where Lydia threw a fit and attempted to commit the execution-style homicide of some innocent bystander—most likely Konran himself, or Harry._

_The god sighed. His life was far too complicated._

_Yumoa seemed resistant at first, then torn, then completely abashed. "I'll call him Solitus," he muttered, kicking a snowdrift with a bare foot and sheathing the sword in its ivory scabbard. He held the blade out to Konran, who took it with another sigh, and the scabbard and hilt immediately turned jet black. _

"_Oh, and if you touch my sword again, I'll wait until __**next year**__ to get you that PS3 you've been bugging me about, understood?"_

_Comedy's eyes filled with tears to extinguish the flames. "I'll be good!" he sobbed, falling on his face in classic Yumoa fashion and popping into chibi-mode. "I'm a good boy! I won't touch it again, I swear! Please don't make me wait a whole year!"_

_Rolling his eyes, Konran muttered, "Yeah, yeah, say it all you want, but your actions will be the determining...factor...what are you two doing?" He glanced over to find both Harry and Zakuro prostrate on the ground as well, like overzealous worshippers._

"_You've stopped the evil Kaiser from turning us into slaves!" Harry cried into the frozen earth. "Thank you for saving us!"_

"_Ichigo's still unconscious, though...again." Chaos massaged his temples, then decided to make the best of his new peons and pointed at the comatose boy. "Pick him up and put him in the Land Rover until we leave. Go on, all three of you. Yumoa, you have to make it up to them, so be as nice as you possibly can; and you two __**really**__ don't have to listen to every word he says. He might wave a pointy object around and spout irrational, militaristic nonsense, but he wouldn't hurt a fly—much less kill an unarmed man. I guess Ichigo just drew the short straw."_

_As back-to-normal as they could possibly get after their disturbing Regime experience, Zakuro and Harry immediately went to work, helping Yumoa lift up the unfortunate shinigami and carry him back to the vehicle._

* * *

_**(Contentment)**_

"_What was all that about?" Hakkai asked, appearing behind Kon with Gojyo._

_Chaos gave them a desolate, jaded look. "You don't want to know. Honestly, that cousin of mine is just as bad as Lydia sometimes. The only difference is that he rarely hits anybody, and Lydia hits everybody every time. How'd it go with Sanzo?"_

"_He's upset..." monocle admitted sheepishly._

"_He tried to shoot us both," clarified the kappa, lighting a comfort cigarette and taking on a sarcastic tone. "He almost never tries to shoot at Hakkai, which means he's gone far past pissed and into some level of anger we mere mortals can never know."_

"_I'm __**im**__mortal, and I still don't understand how Sanzo can become so angry so quickly," the god replied, glancing at the Klone, then back to the two. "We'll be taking him in the Land Rover—Lydia's okay with it, and we can make Kougaiji carry Ichigo. Goku can sit in the back with Yumoa and Solitus. Regina should be fine in the trunk."_

"_Man, you are __**cold**__," sighed Gojyo, shaking his head in mock-disdain and flicking away his ash._

"_That aside, who is Solitus?" Hakkai asked._

"_My clone. He has no name, so he asked Lydia to pick one for him, and she picked Solitus. It means 'normal' in Latin."_

"_Normal,' eh?" Gojyo nodded after giving the Klone a once-over._

"_I'm more normal than the white-haired fellow," Solitus muttered._

"_Good point." The three of them nodded in silent agreement._

"_So Kougaiji will take Ichigo, we'll take harry, and you'll take Goku and Solitus?" Hakkai reaffirmed._

"_Yeah. Lydia's fairly calm right now, but I still don't want Harry's life at risk just because of seating issues. She'll be under enough stress with our clones in the car with us."_

_The Kappa shrugged and threw down the spent butt. "Makes sense. We have the prissy priest's go-ahead to get moving again, and I'll be the one rooting for Hakkai to __**not**__ run down any more kids."_

"_That's enough, Gojyo," Hakkai pleasantly commanded. "I think Goku is ready now."_

_Like a nervous robot, the water sprite bid a hasty good-bye and turned to get Goku away from the monk and into the Land Rover._

"_You have a bizarre power over him, don't you?" Kon asked, somewhat surprised, but not really._

"_We've been good friends for a long time, and he knows that I'm not the best person to cross."_

"_I've known you for a short time, and I knew that from the start." The god gave him a look, and Hakkai laughed a little._

"_I suppose it's residual from my previous life, then?"_

"_I guess you could put it that way, but I'd just say you were the most frightening passive-aggressive I've ever seen," Chaos admitted rather bluntly._

_Monocle smirked, turning to go back to the Jeep as well. "That's true, too...I'm going to help get Goku's food supply together—it would be unfortunate if he took all of Lydia's reserve."_

_Kon nodded absently. "I'll be in the car." He looked to Solitus, then nodded towards the Land Rover. "Come on. Sorry, but you'll have to sit in the back. Lydia's picky about the front seat like a certain angry monk I know."_

"_Do I want to know this angry monk?" Solitus questioned hesitantly, hearing gunshots and cursing up ahead and frowning hard._

_The god looked at him and shook his head grimly. "No. If at all possible, stay far, faaaaar away from that man. He's more dangerous than Comedy—more dangerous than __**Lydia**__, and that's saying a whole hell of a lot."_

"_Looks like I'm not going to enjoy this," the Klone grumbled._

"_Oh, I wouldn't say that. Lydia usually makes for interesting entertainment when paired with the monkey."_

_Solitus stared at him for a long moment as they approached the vehicle, but before Kon opened the Land Rover's rear door, he staid his hand and asked slowly, "Are you really okay with me riding in your car? It's obvious that Lydia is important to you, but will she be okay? She won't get confused, will she?"_

_He seemed genuinely concerned, and Chaos chuckled, "She'll be fine. She's just difficult around strangers—and besides, she gave you a name and our eyes tell us apart. Don't be surprised if you get dragged into a DDR or Twister Battle. That's how you can tell if she likes you—as a friend, of course. To get anything more out of her, you almost have to sell your soul and give up all your worldly possessions and perform Hercules' tasks naked in a blizzard."_

"_What are those?"_

"_Get in the car and ask her. She'll talk for hours—she's a mythology buff." He opened the door for his clone, and after giving Kon a quizzical frown, Solitus climbed in. _

"_Hurry the hell up, Kon!" whined his favorite voice in the world, and Chaos got in as well, smiling when Lydia punched him for taking so long._

_Sanzo could throw a million fits and bomb a small country and send a torch-wielding mob the god's way, but as long as Lydia was there, he would be perfectly okay._

_He really was a masochist. _

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_**MERRY CHRISTMACHANUKWANZAAKA AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!** You'll see me again in a week or so._

_NOTES:_

"_Charlie" is what they called the allied troops called the enemy troops during the Vietnam War. "Charlie is in the trees!" is a line from either a book or a movie I read or watched a long, long while ago...I really just remember the one line._

_Matt Damon played the angel Loki in "Dogma." I love that movie._

_Satyromaniac is the male form of nymphomaniac--props to **bookwurme123** for telling me! (Hee-hee...words are fun.)_

_Yeah...Told you it was long...over 10,000 words...see you when I get back, and PLEASE REVIEW TO MAKE MY PAIN GO AWAY! _

_(I failed Calc 2. _TT.TT

_P.S. It's 5:59 AM right now. I've stopped sleeping._

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, and Deranged Cyh Scævola_


	24. Vantage: Terra Incognita

**The Sequel: Chapter XXIV (Current Mood: Sharp Cheddar)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I'm back! Snow is the most beautiful thing in the world, but it's nice to be home. I got trapped in Detroit for about 16 hours, and I ended up not sleeping for about 30 hours. I officially hate Northwest Airlines, though the return trip was simple and uneventful._

_Due to the nature of this chapter, all the non-italicized bits which normally would belong to Lyds are going to be Kon's for this chapter. There is also a poll on my profile page waiting for your opinion. "How should Yon She-Bitch be killed off?" it asks. Enjoy._

_Okay, time for quotes._

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"The amazing thing was, we had spent a day driving people carriers, and we **hadn't** lost the will to live!"--Richard Hammond, Top Gear (Coolest MPV episode)_

"_The air conditioning in the Lambos of old used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."--Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear_

"_Chance makes a plaything of a man's life."--Seneca_

"_As you can see, Lydia's version of love equates to what the average person would call extreme, one-sided domestic abuse."--Kannon_

* * *

**_Vantage: Terra Incognita _**

_**(Xian Shu) **__(A/N: I made that up. If it means something dirty, more points for me.)_

_It was raining._

_In Sanzo's world, that was enough information to express what was rolling around in the monk's convoluted brain. He had no idea what the hell was going on anymore, and, to be quite honest, he no longer gave a shit. Not that he really had in the past, but he was now at the point where he couldn't have given a shit if he'd tried with all his might._

_It didn't help that the whipping post and his mistress were now on the same page. Their emotionally twisted love life was beginning to dance on his last good nerve, and once that one was lost, all the armies of the Jade Emperor would be helpless to stop the rain of fire which would descend from the skies above._

_Fortunately, the hotel they had found was only half-filled. Unfortunately, the room next door belonged to the new happy couple. He had tried to trade rooms, but Gojyo had kidnapped Hakkai, Goku had the other cursed room, and everyone else was too stupid to understand words._

_Sanzo stared out at the downpour in a disgruntled daze, curled up in the window box and smoking through a crack in the lattice. At least the walls were thick, he supposed, stubbing out yet another Marlboro and lighting up again like a machine._

_There was a knock at his door, and he twitched, instantly pissed off for no apparent reason._

"_What." It wasn't a question, because he knew who it was before he even turned to look at the shaggy, chestnut brown head that poked into the doorway. It was simply a statement, a warning to anyone who might make the stupid assumption that he was in a good enough mood to carry on any sort of civilized conversation._

"_Sanzo, the food's gettin' cold," Goku mumbled hopefully, spotting the overflowing ashtray and sensing the miasma of smoke and brooding. "Um...everyone's already done eating."_

"_I'm not hungry." He turned away and continued his blank staring._

_The monkey knew well enough that the priest was dangerous on rainy days, but it was worse now because of the new crowding problem. He was worried about his master, and despite his good judgment, he stepped in and clicked the door quietly shut behind him. Cautiously, Goku padded across the heavily carpeted floor and approached the volatile monk, pausing beside the window box to wait for some sort of sign._

_After a good few minutes, Sanzo finally gave into the kid's incessant puppy eyes, and turned to him._

"_You're not leaving even if I tell you to, are you?" he growled, an edge of violence in his tone to mask something less hostile and unnamed._

_Goku shook his head. "Nuh-uh. I already ate."_

_That **almost** made the monk laugh, but instead he sighed in exasperation. "Sit down and don't talk," he grouched, giving the boy a good, hard leer, before returning to the rain outside and his smoldering cigarette._

_Relieved, the monkey smiled secretly and clambered into the box across from his brooding master, pulling his knees to his chest and watching the rain to keep Sanzo's silent company._

* * *

**(Sanity Takes a Holiday—Again) **(A/N: Kon's POV, people. Don't get all weirded out, thinking it's Lydia saying this bizarre crap!) 

"Look, I don't care if you had it digitally signed and certified and copyrighted by the U.S. Library of Congress!" my little hellion declared with utmost profundity. "This is _my_ slice and _I'm_ going to eat it!"

It was amazing the kinds of things to which a person could grow accustomed. Lydia's vehement argument with Gojyo over the last slice of blueberry cheesecake had somehow gone from frightening to fascinating to endearing within the short time we had spent in Togenkyo. When once I would have seen it as disturbing, I now saw it as yet another reason why I wanted to share every waking and sleeping second with the madwoman. My brain must have been constructed wrong, because what I operated on was _not_ healthy logic. That was okay, though. I loved every painful moment.

"Princess, You've already had three slices out of eight. I'll buy more later if you want, but for now it's okay to let someone else have the last piece," I sighed, reaching over and tucking my arm snugly around her slender little waist. She beat me senseless whenever I called her 'little', but, being somewhat self-abusive, I simply couldn't help it sometimes. When I didn't feel like being comatose, I just said it in my head.

"Dude!" she cried indignantly. "I ordered the damn cheesecake! If water boy wants it so bad, he can get his own!"

"Perhaps, but you don't need to be eating so much sugar," I murmured, leaning down and kissing her throat. "You're too sweet already."

And just like that, I was on the floor, clutching a fractured frontal-sinus and choking on my own blood.

Masochism be damned, I loved this girl!

"Oh, dear." Ever reliable, Hakkai grabbed a tissue and helped me sit up, letting me pinch my nose and tilt my head back to stop the bleeding. "Lydia, that was a bit harsh," he admonished gently.

"Yeah, well he talks too much," she grumbled, folding her arms across her chest and frowning curtly at me. "Quit finding new things to call me, ass-hat. Lydia is my name. That's the only name you should be using for me. You, on the other hand, are required to gratefully accept any name I invent for you, Mr. Happy Pants."

"Ob corze, Brinshesh," I chuckled, swallowing the sharp, sweet liquid which had pooled in the back of my throat. I smiled at her, and after a long, pondering frown, she growled and dropped to her knees.

"I'll take over," she muttered to Hakkai, who laughed knowingly and relinquished control of the situation.

"Konran's a bit more resilient than the rest of us, so he should be fine in a few minutes." He stood up and returned to the armchair in the private diner we had rented for the duration of our stay. It was easier this way, considering our motley crew's history; and other than pastries, Hakkai could use the small kitchen to cook for all of us and make Sanzo less aggravated over the Gold Card.

Lydia moved my hand away and pinched my nose tightly, forcing me to my feet and leading me to the couch, where she had me lie down with my head resting back in her lap. "Sorry," she murmured under her breath, her posture tense.

"I don't think it matters if you apologize or not," Gojyo sighed, shaking his head and giving us an amused look as he slid the slice of cheesecake onto his plate and took a bite.

"You've done worse," Yumoa pointed out, easily transitioning from regaling the mentally scarred Ichigo and Harry with tales of inbreeding in our family tree, to reassuring Lydia that her abusive view on our relationship was perfectly okay. "Kon's too far gone to care anymore. I think he may need an intervention." He put on a somber face, as though he pitied me immensely. "It's for your own good, Kon."

I was just surrounded by enemies, wasn't I?

Lydia's eyes narrowed to slits. "Okay, you can change the subject now. Nobody messes with him but me. My slave, not yours."

Solitus, my clone, rested an elbow on the table and smirked. "I think you more than make up for it. He's bleeding, but he smiles anyway. It's a bit strange, actually. I'm jealous."

"You! You shut up before I beat you upside the head with your own severed leg!" my Princess snapped, cracking under the pressure of being at the center of attention.

Seeing that she was headed towards a bad place, I reached up to touch her cheek, forcing her to look down at me as I pushed her hand away and said without nasal hindrance, "You shouldn't worry. We're among friends, regardless of your embarrassment."

She frowned, then looked away at nothing in particular, too stubborn to give up so easily. "I want cheesecake later, Konran," she grouched. "This is exactly why I didn't want anyone finding out about us."

My nose had stopped bleeding, but I brought the tissue back to my face anyway and smiled inwardly. "Of course. Just let me rest a little, first." She was an angel whenever she felt guilty, and, being a selfish bastard, I felt no shame in milking it for all it was worth. Sighing, I turned onto my side, facing her stomach, and wrapped my free arm around her waist. "Just a few minutes," I murmured softly.

It was so comfortable now that the weight of invisibility had been lifted—frequent injury to my person notwithstanding. She saw me the way I had always wanted her to see me, and her soft little body made all the chaos around me—the very essence of my existence—quiet and calm.

Within moments, I had fallen asleep, and, oddly enough, she didn't wake me for quite some time.

* * *

_**(The Heavens)**_

"_Am I the only one who sees any kind of urgency in this ridiculous matter with the non-god?" Kanzeon Bosatsu disparaged to herself, frowning hard at the lotus pond past the rapt Aphrodite._

"_Oh, don't be so glum, Kannon," the Love goddess scolded lightly. "My little Chaos is happy, and he's going to take care of that pesky Loki as soon as he figures out how. We don't even know where the Trickster is, so it's kind of hard to do anything at this point in the game."_

"_Yeah, you keep lying to yourself like that."_

_Venus looked up at her, then at Jiroshin. "What's gotten her panties in a bunch?"_

_Sweatdropping at the thought of what Kannon would do to him in the event that he actually responded to that question, the manservant slowly edged away from the two. "I follow the Merciful Goddess' orders. If she wishes to expedite the process, then that is what must be done."_

"_Exactly!" the goddess in question agreed wholeheartedly. "Besides, Konran got the girl without your help, Blondie."_

_That piqued the Love goddess without effort. "Excuse me? Who was the one who shook those memories loose in that silly little nit? She never would have figured anything out with so much unreconciled conflict festering in her subconscious!"_

"_All Konran had to do was kiss her. Your little display was just superfluous. Konran would have lost control eventually. Lydia has loved him for a long time—she just needed confirmation on his end. As you can see, Lydia's version of love equates to what the average person would call extreme, one-sided domestic abuse." Kanzeon Bosatsu gestured towards still-frames taken during some of the more severe punishments dished out on Chaos. Lots of blood, lots of pain, and lots of love._

_Well...she could at least take some comfort in the fact that their bizarre relationship was plenty entertaining._

_Grumpy again, she sank back into her throne and pouted at the rippling images in the water. "Jiroshin, get me the Fates on line one." She held up the little sliver cell phone used for conferring across the dimensional planes._

_A few beeps and ringtones later, a crackly voice answered at the other end of the line:_

"_You've reached the Fates. This is Atropos speaking. We're screening our calls now thanks to a certain God of the Underworld incessantly trying to buy his way into the Tapestry of Absolute Power. Hades, you son of a bitch, if I find one more enormous brown bag on our doorstep again, I swear to Zeus I'll cut your thread! I have it in my hand RIGHT NOW!—__**shik!—**__This is Clotho speaking. Please excuse my obdurate sister—__**shik!**__—Clotho! Get the hell off the other line!—__**shik!—**__BOTH OF YOU QUIT YOUR BICKERING!—__**shik!**__—__**SHUT UP, LACHESIS!**__—__**shik!**__—__**beeeeeep.**__"_

_Kannon quirked a brow. "Uh, that was interesting...this is Kanzeon Bosatsu over in Togenkyo. I need some information on a certain Norse non-god named Loki. He's stirring up all kinds of..."_

_**CLICK!**_

"_Hello? Hello?! Kannon, is that you?" called a faint voice at the far end of the dimensional phone line._

"_Clotho!" Kannon sighed, relieved that Lachesis or Atropos hadn't answered. "You heard that, right?"_

"_Yes, I did, dear. Let me just pull up his thread..." There was some rustling and clattering in the background while the Fate muttered under her breath about sisters who never kept the work organized. After a moment or two, she returned. "Okay...Loki...Norse...Odin's blood brother...yes, this is it. What did you need, now?"_

"_I need to know where he is at this point in his life," the goddess replied. "Since he's not a proper god or a divine equivalent, I don't know how he managed to travel between dimensions without waiting for a natural rift, but he's here, and he's putting all of Togenkyo at risk."_

"_Hmm...yes, that's what it says here," mused the Fate in distaste. "Never did like that Loki boy. Always causing trouble for respectable folks...all right, I think I've found the right place." She cleared her throat, and after some more background noise, she said, "He's in a place called Xian Shu. Looks like he's got a nasty little treat in the works. He's not an official god, though, so how do you plan to fix it?"_

_Kannon smiled grimly, recalling the Kami-sama incident and thoroughly hating how little she had been allowed to do about it. "I've enlisted the help of Aries' son as my proxy, in a way. He should be able to handle it once he gets his head out of the love-induced coma cloud he's in. Lazy child."_

_Clotho was confused. "Wait, that makes no sense. Lachesis cut both Romulus' and Remus' threads a long time ago. They can't possibly be there."_

_Another voice spoke up suddenly, "Oh! There's one more, though! Kannon, do you mean Mr. Sexy-Pants...I mean, Chaos?"_

"_Lachesis, get off the phone!" protested the first Fate._

"_Oh, shut up, Clotho. You always get all the fun. So, Kannon, it's Chaos, isn't it? How is he? Does he talk about me?"_

"_He never liked you! He was just using you to get to me!" growled Clotho. "Stop your silly dreams!"_

_A third voice popped up then. "You're both wrong!" Atropos argued. "Why would that looker ever tolerate your presence, unless it was to get to me?!"_

_Kannon managed a sweatdrop, somewhat surprised that the old-fashioned Fates had the capacity for a four-way phone call. Then again, they worked as a team, so maybe this was the extent of their technological prowess? "Um...this isn't...look, Chaos is engaged."_

"_**WHAT?!**__"_

_The Merciful Goddess actually had to hold the phone away from her ear at the burst of shouting. This news seemed to be more devastating to the Fates than Kannon could ever have predicted, and once the cacophony died down she said flatly. "He's engaged to his worldly equivalent, Lydia. They're very happy together—rather, Chaos is willing to sacrifice life and limb to keep her, so I think it'll work out."_

_There was a long silence, then Lachesis inquired slowly, "Why would he be in danger? We know that Eris is on the move again—she payed a hefty price to keep her existence quiet until now, giving up her only son and all—but she can't possibly be that much of a threat. She's a bit off, but she does so love that boy...in a twisted, obsessive sort of way."_

_The goddess managed a quiet chuckle. "Actually, I was referring to Lydia. I think she would happily kill anyone who threatened her relationship with him, but she's not much more merciful with Chaos himself. That poor boy has gone through some pretty serious torment to earn her affection, and it's not going to let up anytime soon, I don't think." She smirked at the thought. Lydia would keep things very entertaining, much to Konran's detriment._

"_We see..." Atropos muttered, clearly confused, yet disappointed nonetheless. "Well, I suppose it is a good thing. Chaos could have any goddess he chose—other than Athena, of course, but even she feels a bit cornered when he turns on that charm. A terrible feud would almost certainly ensue if he picked one of the goddesses, and he's such an opportunistic playboy that none of our girls would be able to chain him down—short of literally chaining him down, of course. His equivalent is a completely different matter altogether, however. I hope that human can handle him."_

"_I would worry more over whether or not Chaos can handle __**her**__," Kannon chuckled, practically rubbing her hands together in anticipation of more madness and fun. "Anyway, is Loki doing anything right now? Do you know what he's planing to do?"_

_Seeing that it was back to business, the disappointed Lachesis and Atropos excused themselves and Clotho replied distractedly, "Well, that's the problem. Loki is under Norse jurisdiction. The most I can discern are his past and present. Right now, he's stationary, in a bar or some other establishment, but that could change with the wind."_

"_I figured as much," Kannon sighed, glancing to Jiroshin and shaking her head slightly. "Well, call me at this number if anything significant happens, okay? I may not be able to interfere directly, but I can bend the rules enough to keep the flow of information fresh."_

"_We'll put his spool on surveillance, then," the Fate murmured while the faint scratching of a quill on parchment crackled through the phone line. "I'll call if I see danger coming. Chaos may be getting married, but we're all still fairly attached to that devious young god. we don't mind helping."_

"_All right, I'll talk to you later. Thanks for the help."_

_Clotho said her thanks as well, and Kanzeon Bosatsu flipped the phone shut to hand it to Jiroshin._

"_Hold onto that, and give it to me if they contact us," she ordered. "The Jade Emperor may have laws about degrees of interference, but I can't just neglect my duties as the Merciful Goddess."_

"_Riding the line as always..." the tired manservant sighed in disappointment. "After all of this, would it be all right if we took a break for a while?"_

_She gave him an unconvinced frown. "Absurd. This is were the action is, don't you see? I can't stand the Jade Emperor's parties, and the brown-nosing socialites. It's all an act. Besides, I have to see Sanzo snap." The still water reflected a myriad of scenes back at her, and Aphrodite sat yoga-style at the edge, enraptured by the show._

"_Still, even this will become tedious," muttered Jiroshin,_

_Kannon pretended he wasn't there. "Hey, Aphrodite, you lost the competition, by the way."_

_The Love goddess twitched, then turned and glared at the Merciful Goddess. "Excuse me? If I remember correctly, I was the one who forced that girl to face her demons."_

"_Sure, but Eris and that clone did the most. Nothing like shock therapy to fix the mentally deranged." She smirked at the goddess' angry scowl. "Don't be so tense. Enjoy the ride. It wasn't as though I did anything particularly useful, and I doubt you want to challenge Eris."_

_Venus' face fell, and with sagging shoulders she acquiesced defeat. "Point taken. I still want to watch, though. I've never seen Chaos so happy. He was always so distant before. It's sweet." She smiled gently. "Don't you think?"_

"_Adorable, though funny could also apply. I've never seen anyone so tolerant of severe abuse." Kannon chuckled to herself and glanced at the glowing image of Goku trying to keep Konzen company. "Adorable, indeed."_

_The other goddess noticed Kannon's reaction, and squinted in curiosity. "I get the feeling that we're not talking about the same thing."_

_Kannon just shrugged._

* * *

**(Waffles and Peanut Butter)**

I had a nice nap...well, until Gojyo apparently made a snickering comment about how _cute_ Lydia and I looked and caused Lydia to shove me off her lap and onto the hardwood floor.

That kappa was making things unnecessarily difficult for the poor girl, though I had to admit that her behavior made life interesting.

"You could just wake me up the normal way," I suggested dryly, sitting up and rubbing my forehead. Being a god, I wouldn't grow a bump, but it was still irritating to be so rudely awakened.

"Oh, dear!" Lydia gasped, attracting the curiosity of all present. "This coffee table just started talking! Well, I can't have that."

One roundhouse kick later, I was back on the couch and nursing my fractured skull. She had hit my forehead, which not only aggravated the damage there, but whipped me onto my back, slamming my cranium into the very solid floor. These constant attacks were beginning to take their toll on my constitution.

"Look, as much as I love you, it would be nice if you didn't use attempts on my life as a stress reliever. A little bit of kindness goes a long way, you know."

"Coffee tables shouldn't be talking," she snapped.

"I am not a coffee table! Gojyo, look what you've done!" I cried.

"I didn't do a thing," he muttered past a cigarette as he opened a window to let the smoke out. "I stand by my observation. You two make a cute couple."

"Say it again, cucumber-head!" my equivalent exclaimed, launching into a full-blown assault.

Fortunately, Yumoa stepped in and caught her arm before she could land a blow, and dragged her back to the couch where he declared that he needed a pillow and wanted to sleep on her shoulder before morning came along with waffles and peanut butter.

"I'm not a pillow!" she argued. "And what crazy person puts peanut butter on waffles?!" (A/N: I do! XD)

"You let Kon sleep in your lap. All I want is your shoulder. What's wrong with that?"

I could think of a number of reasons. She was _mine_, for one. Also, there were plenty of pillow cushions—we'd decided to spend the evening in the best available hotel, so it was rather comfortable.

"Look here, you," I began, only to have Borg Bunny Bob shoved into my field of view.

"Can you say no to this face?!" my idiot savant of a cousin demanded indignantly, his ember eyes glittering with the eternal flame of a slightly retarded genius.

I stared at the plush and metallic toy for a moment.

"NO."

He frowned, then returned the bunny to its pouch. "Well, you're just gonna hafta deal with it."

"I'm going!" Lydia declared, standing abruptly, though Yumoa latched around her waist and was dragged off the couch as she stood and began walking to the door. "Get off me, weirdo! I'm not in the mood for games!"

"Aww, but you're always in the mood when Kon is," pouted Comedy.

She went stone still, and I held my breath in fear, glancing to my clone apprehensively. He arched a curious brow, then turned to Zakuro and commented on the weather.

Why was there no help when I needed it? Why did I have to give and give and give until my ears bled and my back gave out, yet nobody seemed willing to lend _me_ a hand in a pinch? Was it Karma? And if so, why the hell would Karma be chasing down a Greek god?

Okay, so maybe my record was just one massive ink stain on once-pristine paper, but I didn't deserve to be tortured!

...Right? Hello?

"Yumoa, if you don't let go and shut up and make me think you've suddenly decided to take a vow of silence, I swear upon my limited sanity that I will find a way to make Hakkai angry with you," my equivalent growled dangerously.

"Now that's a bit extreme," the youkai commented, smiling blandly. "Is it really necessary to use me as a trump card?"

Gojyo frowned and gave his friend a searching look. "Honestly, there's no way you don't know how scary you are sometimes, man. Hell, even Old Holier than Thou thinks you're creepy."

"I second that," Zakuro added. "I've seen your record. It's frightening. Would you like a managerial position in the Royal Guard, by any chance? Mistress is always complaining about the young troops..."

Hakkai shot him a horrifying smile. "I think we're done discussing my personality."

Zakuro didn't require reiteration.

"Anyway, I'll beat you into next Tuesday if you don't let go of me," Lydia threatened my cousin.

"Who am I supposed to play with, then?" Yumoa asked in a desperate attempt at sympathy. "Goku's keeping Sanzo company, Harry's gone into conniptions over things I don't really get, and Zakuro won't stop talking about his Mistress! It's so _boring_ without you around!"

"I'm available," the Lydiclone suggested slowly, still trying to get on everyone's good side.

"Shut up. I'm talking to my friend." For the briefest moment of time, there was something utterly terrifying in Yumoa's eyes, which quickly vanished like a puff of steam in a mirage. The Lydiclone immediately fell silent and decided to go to bed early.

This was getting absurd. It was going to rip a new hole in my already perforated ego, but after a resigned sigh I said in a dead tone, "Look, why don't you set up the TV and the Game Cube and we can have a match. Everyone can play. Get Super Smash Whatever-the-Hell-You-Call-It Melee and see who gets to be champion."

He disappeared before I had even finished talking, and in about the amount of time it took to microwave a cup of cold coffee, he set everything up and started dealing out controllers like an overcaffeinated auction master at a car show. Thirty seconds after that, I was being blasted to death by Samus and Pikachu—Yumoa and Lydia, that is. Gojyo had chosen Kirby, but, having no experience whatsoever with video games, he still hadn't figured out which buttons did what.

Not that I was any better. I won't even tell you who I'd been forced to pick, the shame was so great.

"_**DIE, LINK, YOU BASTARD! DIE! DIE BECAUSE YOUR GAME TITLES HAVE LITTLE AT ALL TO DO WITH THAT BITCH ZELDA! DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE SHORTER THAN I AM! DIE BECAUSE YOU CAN!**_" Lydia shrieked gleefully, her thumbs flitting so quickly across the buttons that I worried for a moment whether one could develop carpal tunnel syndrome after a single match.

"Princess, that was dirty!" I argued as my character flew off the screen and became a star in the background.

"All's fair in love and whoop-ass!" the love of my life replied with a disturbing cackle.

"Shit!" cried Gojyo, pointing at Pikachu in accusation. "I'm handicapped! I don't even know which button does what!"

"Are you deaf? I just _said_ that it doesn't matter who or what you are. Your ass is grass if you cross my unyielding might!"

"Bah! I'll annihilate you!" Comedy announced as he set a bomb right where the yellow lightning rat flipped back onto the field.

The explosion and subsequent loss of life only further riled up the relatively harmless-looking girl beside me, and like a Pokemon possessed, she flew into a barrage of vicious lightning attacks which deep-fried any and all who came near, including myself.

"You know, I'm seeing very little difference between how you treat me in the game and how you treat me in the real world," I commented tightly.

She turned and grinned fiercely at me, still managing to sizzle poor Kirby even with her eyes diverted. "I live my life as if it were a video game. You'd better get used to it."

"Oh, I'm well accustomed to your abuse. I just wish you were less violent, is all."

"Too bad!" Again, she killed me off, and I rolled my eyes.

Tired of dying all the time, I motioned the unusually quiet shinigami over and handed him my controller. "Have at it, kid. I get the feeling that you're familiar with the workings."

"Well, yeah, but..." My silly little character passed into the great beyond yet again, and like a paper boat sucked into a maelstrom, Ichigo was soon playing just as animatedly as the other three. I wasn't sure who was more infectious: my cousin or my equivalent. Was it good for one's health to be exposed to such a degree of killing aura?

"This seems to be a theme with you," my clone surmised, studying my expression closely as Hakkai poured me a cup of green tea with honey. "Why do you tolerate it?"

"I'm a masochist," I sighed ruefully. "That's what masochists do: they gravitate towards the things which weaken and harm them the most. I don't recommend the life. Too stressful for the average man."

"Sure looks that way," he muttered. "Thanks Hakkai." He received a cup from the healer as I took a sip of my hot drink.

"At least we're moving again," Hakkai pointed out. "Sanzo seems happier when we're on the move. It's a pity that it started raining so hard."

"Sorry about that." I gave him a sheepish smile and he chuckled. "What? It's probably our fault that it's raining. I mean, we _are_ in a desert—why would the monsoon come so early?" Damn the fragility of alternate dimensions. The most traumatic thing any of the gods could manage in my world these days was pinkeye. Rules were lax on the subject of equivalents, but even then, Lydia controlled me more than I could ever control her...

"Point taken. It does seem a bit much for a dry climate," the last rational man among us mused. "The locals seem happy, though. They say that the water will help them for years to come."

"Still, it's not a good idea to tamper with the climate. All manner of disaster can arise from something so reckless." I frowned, wondering what it was that Loki was doing to cause such a dramatic effect.

"Okay, so this button attacks! Excellent!" Gojyo shouted suddenly, before Lydia killed him again, and thus rendered him unable to continue. At that, he threw down the control in a fit of anger and got up to stalk over to the window and smoke in silent brooding.

Ah. Such was the story of our lives, it seemed.

* * *

_**(First Encounter of the Ignorant Kind)**_

"_This is the place, right?" Seimei asked from under his windbreaker while the unrelenting water poured down as though someone had rain danced to the point of death over the last five days. The gods of this realm were either very happy or very angry._

_Hwan blinked through the water drops on her glasses, peering down towards the ground as rivulets and streams of water ran endlessly down her face and up her nose. "It looks about right, and even if it isn't, I'm sick of the rain. Let's go find a hotel."_

"_Oh, how I've longed to hear you say those words!"_

_With swift heels to its side, they both spurred the equally disgruntled dragon downwards, and in mere seconds the impatient animal had to spread its wings wide to brake, jerking to a near-stop and causing both Hwan and Seimei to tumble forward onto the muddy earth several feet below. Hwan cursed the reptile for its recklessness. The dragon snorted in amusement and ambled into the alley between two buildings, where it promptly fell asleep. Seimei smiled for the first time in several hours._

"_You smell niiiice," he chuckled, from his flattened position on top of the doctor. "Chanel? For me? How __**sweet**__!"_

"_Get __**off**__!" she commanded, shoving him as far away as possible and trying to pretend that the furious blush was exactly that—furious and nothing else. "My realm is falling apart and all you can do is make an ass of yourself?!"_

"_Hey, it's not like freaking out is gonna help, you know," he countered, curious about the source of all that pink. "Might as well keep a positive attitude about the whole thing." Shaking his hair out like a wet dog, he left the muddy puddle and stood for a few long moments, realizing that he only had one set of clothes and cursing poignantly. _

_Hwan sighed, shaking her head at his ridiculous priority disarrangement. "We should get a room, at any rate. I doubt the dragon wants to travel any further in this weather, and if this is indeed the Sanzo party's next rest stop, they'll show up sooner or later."_

"_Good idea," he muttered, glaring balefully at the skies above and wincing when a drop of rain fell right into his eye. "Dammit...let's go."_

_Slinging his dirty coat over one shoulder and figuring that he was too drenched for it to matter anymore, he set an arm around Hwan's shoulders and headed up the stoop with her to get some dry accommodations._

_At the reception desk, a middle-aged, portly man spotted their state of soddenness and went right into action._

"_Oh, my!" he fretted, ringing a bell and calling up an assistant. "I'm sorry, but due to the storm, we're almost completely booked. All we have left is the honeymoon suite."_

_Hwan went still, then slowly turned and leered at the clone._

_Fortunately, Seimei was silly and opportunistic, not stupid. "That's okay. I'll sleep on the couch or in the closet or something," he reassured her._

"_Good." She returned to the manager. "We'll take it. Put it on this card, please." After fishing in her drenched apparel, she pulled out a business credit card._

_Once all the formalities were taken care of, the assistant-slash-bellhop showed them up three flights of stairs to their room._

"_Here you go, all warm and dry," he said with a winning smile. "If you need anything, call the front desk and ask for Kin Lo. I'll go see what's left in the kitchen and bring something up within the hour." Indicating the far closet in the large, cushy room, he added, "If those are your only clothes, there are bathrobes in there, and the bath is over to your left. I can have the maids come and take your wet clothing to the laundry room to be washed and dried. Everything comes complementary with the room."_

"_Thank you," Hwan said with a relieved smile, too tired to frown anymore. She was at least grateful to be stuck with Seimei rather than the intolerable Professor._

"_It's my pleasure. Welcome to Xian Shu."_

_The bellhop left them to their own devices and hurried down the stairs, chuckling to himself and pausing at the door window to one of the private dining rooms. Inside was the same disorderly crew as before, fighting over cheesecake and attacking each other with abandon and playing video games with the ferocity of starving sharks._

_Loki grinned, silvery eyes glittering mischievously as he stretched his tall, slender frame up to touch a fingertip to the low ceiling, then combed back his wild gold and silver hair, readying himself for the task at hand and leaving the dining room behind. As he ran through the "employees only" door to the kitchen, he let out a gleeful laugh: _

"_I'm back, my boy! __**DADDY'S HOME!**__"

* * *

_

**(Ignorance Is Inexcusable) **(A/N: always avoid alliteration.)

"Hey, where's Goku?" Lydia asked Hakkai as we gathered our dishes and napkins and blood-soaked tissues into a pile on the table for the management to pick up...I refused to explain the blood. They were quite welcome to use their imaginations.

"I believe he's still up in Sanzo's room," he replied, adding a handful of silverware and chopsticks to the pile. "He worries about Sanzo when it rains."

"I know. I wanted to say good night, though," my recklessly violent sweetheart pouted.

Ah, that face! She tortured me without even trying. How could someone so adorable manage to make me fear for my personal safety, yet leave me utterly insatiable? I must have been born cursed.

"I'm sure you'll live," I said with a little smile, restraining for once the near-painful urge to drag her into bed and reaffirm to myself that I wasn't an insane person living a life based upon lies and hallucinations.

"Stupid Sanzo, being all gloomy," she grouched. "Yumoa, make sure you keep an eye on the clones and the tag-alongs! I'll never forgive you if something goes awry!"

My cousin smirked. "Just building a private army, Lyds. Nothing wrong with that."

"Okay, but be careful."

Hakkai and Gojyo paused at the open door with armfuls of leftovers in their care—with Goku absent, there was actually food left. "Wait, what exactly do you mean by awry?" Gojyo inquired in bafflement. "Don't you think it's a little extreme for him to be building a private army?"

She gave him innocent eyes. "No. Plus, how powerful could an army of mismatched people be? I mean, to be honest, none of them are all that great in a fight—except Ichigo, but he promised to be good until Renji, Zaraki, and Kon showed up, on pain of dismemberment. Anyway, Harry's a dead weight, Zakuro's malfunctioning, and Yon She-Bitch would have to be smokin' some wild new cocktail to think she can take me on."

"Are threats the only thing you have in your arsenal to get what you want?" the kappa asked flatly.

"Of course not!" Lydia replied in exasperation. "There's always blackmail, standard violence, wheedling, and extreme violence."

"What's the difference between standard and extreme violence?" Hakkai queried in curiosity.

She smirked and pointed at me. "Roundhouse kicks are standard violence. Extreme violence requires a weapon."

"I'm glad I'm such a good guinea pig," I muttered in resignation. Indeed, her special brand of hit-and-run guerrilla violence had a special power over me. A mixture of fear, respect, and obsession fueled my suicidal emotions. "Come on, Princess. You need your rest, though with all that cheesecake you had, it'll be a miracle if you fall asleep at all.

"Like you're gonna let me sleep," she scoffed in disdain, giving me a hard frown, then turning to walk past the youkai at the door. "I'll go on ahead and shower before you use all the hot water like last time, water-hog. It's not like you need the heat anyway. Your core temperature is geothermal, or something."

Sighing, I watched her go, then looked at the two who were staring at me now. "What? Gods have high core temperatures. I don't even have to eat. For me it's a comfort thing, rather than a necessity. Anyway, speaking of food, Hakkai, did you happen to see a store on our way in that's within walking distance of the hotel? I need to stock up on Lydia's caffeine or there'll be hell on ice to pay tomorrow."

He smiled in understanding. "There should be one a few blocks down that way," he responded, indicating with one finger. "I can't be sure if it's still open, however."

"Ah, there's always coffee and mocha in the morning, in a pinch," I assured him as I headed out. "I'll go get the stuff then turn in. Driving wears me out when half of my brain is spending the entire time wondering if I'm about to be attacked by the love of my life."

"I know the feeling."

We shared a moment of camaraderie as fellow drivers-of-insane-people, then went our separate ways.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...in the Bowels of Houtou Castle)**_

_Lirin finally managed to escape the revival chamber, and fortunately got away with little more than some extra psychological trauma. It was nothing compared to being kept in a gooey green tube, so she was content. Her mother however, was livid and calling for blood. She had no idea that Kougaiji was at that moment enjoying the warm, dry accommodations of a hotel jam-packed with mischievous gods and non-gods, but that was perhaps a good thing. The aspiring usurper of Rasetsunyo's throne was in a terrible mood, and would likely have sicced several hundred guards on the prince had he returned with his sister. Lirin was just worried that she would be unbearably bored until he got back._

_However, as plot may have it, there was a certain ornery Goddess of Chaos who was more than willing to toss in her own special brand of excitement, and she was loitering on one of Lirin's cushy leather couches when the Princess returned to her room._

"_Hello again, little one," Eris greeted, setting a box of trinkets back on the end table where she had found it, and sitting resplendently back into the sofa. "How have you been?"_

"_Kon's mom!" the hyperactive girl gasped in surprise. "What're you doin' here?"_

"_Well, you were so rudely removed from my care, and I wanted to see how you were faring..." she trailed off in thought. After a long moment, she asked carefully, "That was your mother in that large room, wasn't it?"_

_Still surprised, Lirin shut and locked the door after checking for guards, then went and sat perched on the opposite arm of the couch. "You saw, huh? Told ya she was pretty scary."_

_The goddess frowned slightly, still pondering. "It is inexcusable. She should be grateful to have a daughter. All I have is a son who would happily send me to my grave for the sake of a mortal."_

"_You wanted a daughter? Why?"_

"_Because sons are for fathers, and daughters are for mothers. Aries would never have taken care of our child. He and I have a history of instability, and I felt that I would never be able to properly raise a boy, so I entrusted Chaos to his Aunt Aphrodite with the hopes that she could use her wiles to trick some infatuated man into helping my child. I myself requested that my thread be tied off and woven no longer, that everyone would assume that I had faded with the ages. Unfortunately, I forgot that Aphrodite is more concerned with romance than reality. She turned my Chaos into an unstable, schizophrenic womanizer. Go figure." She rolled her eyes, ruing the day she made that haphazard, stupid decision._

_Lirin stared at Eris, and after some time ventured carefully, "You do care, then? You don't really wanna kill Kon and Lyds, do ya? Why don't you just let them do what they want? They're already grownups."_

"_That is what has me so vexed. After chasing Aries halfway across the dimensional cluster, I grew tired and began to question my approach to this whole thing. It may be too late to regain his trust, but I would like to repay Chaos for what I've done in my selfishness. I spoke with Athena, since she's the smart one, and she said that I was just angry over the fact that if he belongs to another woman I will never have a chance to be his mother." The truth had evidently escaped her notice like white noise in the background._

"_Sure, but what you did way back when he was a baby prob'ly got him to where he is now, right? I mean, if his aunt didn't raise him, then he'd be someone else." The Princess gave the goddess a poignant look, and Eris chuckled in surprise._

"_My dear, if only your mother appreciated you more," she sighed, shaking her head, then standing suddenly. "I should go see what I can do for my boy, then. He seems troubled by this matter Kannon has him trying to fix. Perhaps it would be wise to keep to the shadows, however. Chaos is the suspicious type, and has not yet even seen me. Poor boy." She glanced at Lirin. "Would you like to come along?"_

_The tiny youkai almost screamed "yes" and leaped at the opportunity. However, she stopped herself in mid-outburst at the realization that leaving would just cause more trouble for Kougaiji. "Er, actually, I don't think it's a good idea to make my mom angry all over again," she murmured sheepishly. "I'm in trouble already, and big brother's in trouble because of me, so I shouldn't do anything to make it worse." For once, she was utilizing her dusty stack of common sense._

_Eris smiled a little, then lightly patted the girl's hair. "A word of advice, little one: never let the bastards keep you down. I read it on a bumper sticker, and found myself unable to get it out of my head. I think you would do well to hold to that philosophy."_

_Lirin laughed, "That's a weird philosophy, but okay, I'll remember it."_

"_Take care, child, and if you ever need a little bit of disorder, call me and I will be here in an instant. It comes in useful for diversions." She smirked, and within seconds she had streamed out the window like a living shadow, clinging near the solid surfaces and gliding along unhindered towards her destination._

_Lirin watched as well as she could, but once it was obvious that even her excellent eyes were useless for finding the darkness in the shadows, she closed her window lattice and smiled to herself. She felt an odd sense of accomplishment, and for a brief, fleeting moment she considered a career in clinical psychology._

_However, after realizing that she just might have to make people like Lydia suitable for the real world, she decided to stick with being a food critic._

* * *

_**(Fun)**_

_Loki watched from the front desk as Chaos left the building, smiling to himself and nearly buzzing with excitement, and once the door clicked shut he flew into action. Like lightning with its pants of fire, he shot up the stairs faster than the human eye could register, passing all the rooms until he reached the far east corridor of the hotel. Once there, he paused at the first room and listened intently, hearing the occupants getting ready to turn in._

_Satisfied, he quietly placed a palm flat against the door and whispered a brief Latin incantation:_

"Utinam neque tempori neque homini meminesint, sic dixi, ita erit." **(1)**

_He then took our a vial of water and scattered it across the threshhold._

_This he repeated for every door until the end of the hall, and once his task was completed, he skipped away chuckling helplessly. Though he had more important things to take care of, he couldn't help having a bit of fun with everybody. _

* * *

**(Fugue) (2)**

It seemed that luck was finally on my side, because the small convenience store was not only open, but fully stocked with all the things I had wanted to get for Lydia. I would never tell her where my money came from, if I had any choice in the matter, but that didn't prevent me from spending it on her. The shopkeep seemed to think I was strange, but that wasn't a big deal considering the consequences of forgoing my duty as the girl's keeper.

I made it out before closing time, and as I carried the bags of cocoa, instant coffee, cream, cinnamon, and soda up to the second floor where our rooms were, I spotted Kougaiji at the front desk, asking the assistant manager about the road up ahead. Unlike me, he was worried about the weather.

Well, that was backwards, wasn't it? He got to fly the whole damn way, whereas I had to not only drive across treacherous, potholed, quagmire, but also fend off and constantly look out for attacks upon my person, compliments of the little hellion upstairs. I was the one who should have been worrying about the road ahead.

Lydia was right. A sick kind of irony governed our lives like an insane dictator lording over his goats.

Dammit, I didn't want to be a goat! That just meant more people would blame their problems on me!

Muttering and stuck in my usual rut of uncertainty, I reached our floor and pretty much trudged my way down the hall, depressed once again and hoping that Lydia wasn't in a bad mood because I would have benefited greatly from even the tiniest bit of compassion on her part. While I slipped the bags onto one arm and fished through my pocket for the room card, I caught a faint flowery scent, but once the card was found I completely forgot about it and maneuvered through the narrow doorway without breaking the bags.

"Princess, I come bearing gifts!" I called, tapping lightly on the bathroom door before piling the groceries into the table to pack in the morning.

There was a hectic clatter on the other side of the door and the sound of metal against hard porcelain. I never could understand her unhealthy need to have Ryushi in the bathroom while she bathed. It just seemed like overkill to me.

Rolling my eyes, I sat at the edge of the bed and took off my boots and socks, setting them near the radiator to dry by morning, then decided to changed for bed. My unique anatomy meant I didn't require showers the way mortals did unless there had been a food fight or a tussle with a muddy road. I only got dirt on me, never created it on my own. It was one of the best perks to being a god.

Once dressed in black silk boxers and nothing else—because Lydia had somewhat accepted the fact that our relationship had gone a step beyond master and dog, I didn't feel it necessary to cover up all of my skin anymore—I turned the sheets out and decided to get the coffee ready for morning. She always spent so long in the bathroom that on a few occasions I had unfortunately lost control and effectively dragged her our by her ankles. This had, on _every_ such occasion, resulted in a brief blackout and a fractured cranium.

I was a goldfish, constantly swimming back to the electrified bait like a particularly dim amnesiac. If I wanted to survive, I'd probably have to figure out a happy medium, but it was difficult when some two millennia of warped teachings were my only resource.

Damn you Aphrodite, for making me stupid!

Just as I snapped the coffee drip shut and finished cursing my father's sister for her inability to raise me properly, the bathroom door opened, letting out a cloud of steam.

"I honestly can't imagine what it is you do in there to take so long, Lydia," I muttered, the edge in my voice going soft once I saw her pad out wrapped in a long towel to her ankles.

My heart stopped beating; just stopped as though it had said, "Screw this. I don't need the stress," and quit on me.

Once again, self control flew out the window and in an instant I was behind her, wrapping my arms tightly around her body and burying my face against her neck to enjoy her scent. "This isn't fair. You're not even trying," I whispered helplessly. Her skin was warm from the bath, and it took every ounce of my sense of self-preservation not to whip her out of that towel and get as much of that warmth as I could before she went cold again.

"You're insatiable, you realize this?" she sighed at last, turning to give me an exasperated frown. "Do I have to start putting my nightclothes on in the bathroom now?"

"What's the point?" I asked, utterly sincere. "The first thing I'm going to do once you come out is strip you. Unless you enjoy that, which is perfectly acceptable on my end."

"Kon, please, I'm tired. Driving is a pain in the ass—literally—and I just want to get some sleep. Sleeping is still okay, isn't it? There's no rule that says I'm not allowed to sleep if I'm sharing the bed with a guy, is there?"

"Well, it isn't customary," replied in disappointment after a brief argument with myself over whether or not it was safe to push the envelope a little bit. "I hope you don't plan to start scheduling our intimacy, however. That's just absurd, even for you."

"You trying to imply that I'm absurd?" she demanded.

"Princess, you know you are. It's a moot point, anyway." Faster than she could react to, I grabbed the end of the towel and spun her out, catching her around the waist before lifting her up and heading for the bed. "It's been two days since we last had a bed, and I refuse to waste it."

"Look, just do it while I'm sleeping! Let me sleep, you bastard!" It was obvious that her heart wasn't into the protest.

How could I tell? Well, because I was still conscious. I would say "duh" but that's just infantile.

Laughing a little, I set her on the sheets and removed my boxers, then wrestled her back to the bed when she tried to escape to the bathroom again. "Look, sweetheart, you're not getting away," I said, snaking my arms around her waist and hugging her soft, naked body against mine.

Her eyes narrowed, then widened in apparent surprise. "Hey...you're not..."

"What?" I asked innocently, before laughing and turning onto my side as I held her. "I never specifically mentioned sex. I just want to hold you."

She frowned at me in confusion. "But...that's...wait..."

I couldn't help laughing at her total inability to fathom my meaning. "You look disappointed. We can still do it if you want to," I offered, holding her more closely and nuzzling the silky skin of her throat. Slowly, I left a trail of kisses up to her lips, then smirked when I saw that her expression was even more torn than before.

It seemed she gave me that struggling, perplexed look for a long time, but before I could request her final decision, she asked, "This is really very awkward and I'm very sorry to have to ask, but who are you again? Don't get me wrong, you're very handsome and I don't mind being in your bed, but I'm kind of confused right now."

Wait...say _what?!_

I froze, gaping at her in shock, and realized with a sense of horror that she wasn't playing a game. The usual barely-contained violent light had left her eyes. This wasn't my Lydia. This was her shell without the memories which made up her personality.

Then I remembered that smell at the door.

"Nepenthe!" I shouted suddenly, startling her. "Loki was here! He got into the Lethe again!"

"Eh?!"

I stopped, seeing that she was scared, and, though I was still somewhat disturbed myself, I decided to explain. "Sorry for startling you, Princess. Er, this may come as a shock, but I'm Konran, the God of Chaos, you're my earthly equivalent, we're trapped in an alternate dimension because Kanzeon Bosatsu's hands are tied when non-gods are involved, and you and I are engaged. You like to call me Kon, Chaos, or ass-hat most of the time. You have amnesia because the non-god we're trying to find has a bad habit of playing in the River Lethe—Forgetfulness, if your Latin has left you as well. The water is called Nepenthe. The smell alone causes you to forget faces and names, but I think you're more susceptible than most."

Blink.

"Again, 'Eh?'"

I continued with the explanation, intent on getting it all out before elaborating, "My cousin Yumoa, the God of Comedy, is a couple of doors down babysitting people who have been accidentally sucked into this dimension, as well as your clone; we're traveling west with a corrupt Buddhist monk, a gluttonous monkey sage who doesn't know what he really is, a water sprite who spends most of his time arguing with the the aforementioned sage and chasing skirts, and a normal man who smiles even as he feeds your liver to the hyenas. Oh, and there's the youkai prince Kougaiji, but he gets to fly the dragon instead of roughing it on the back roads, so we can pretend he isn't here for the time being."

There, those were the essentials, and once again she was giving me that slightly frightened, utterly baffled look.

"Any questions?" I prompted gently, realizing that suddenly finding herself naked in bed with a naked man probably wasn't the best way to suddenly find herself, and hoping she didn't snap because of it.

"Uh, just one," she admitted at length.

"And that would be...?"

She glanced up at me, then averted her eyes as a lovely pink flush found its way up her throat to her cheeks. "Since we're already naked...well, could we discuss everything you just said after we...you know? I mean, you just said we're engaged, and this feels really familiar, like we've done this before, so..."

I lost it. I totally and completely lost it. "Can I call you little and cute and adorable and delicious?!" I demanded before I could stop myself. It was as though my cousin's simplicity had possessed my brain.

"Er, if you really want to, then sure...Konran, right?" Lydia turned even pinker, and in an instant I wanted her more than I could stand.

Okay, maybe I didn't mind the memory loss all that much. Hell, I almost wanted to cry.

"I love you, you sweet, adorable little creature, you!" I laughed like a madman, cuddling her as though starved of contact—which I sort of was—before bringing my lips to hers and making her my own more completely than I ever could have while she had been an unpredictable, psychopathic ex-gang member with a violent streak a mile wide.

There was no resistance or argument, no threats against the configuration of my face. It was just her and me joined together, and though her mind had forgotten my name and my face, her body remembered and wanted everything I could give. The mind was fragile, but memories buried in the flesh were impossible to lose. She still loved me, but this time it was pure, unhindered by habit and doubt.

Amnesia? Bah, I could fix that later. For now I wanted to enjoy her sweet side a little more.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...Other People Aren't Taking Amnesia so Lightly)**_

_Although Konran was ecstatic to take advantage of his new Lydia while he could, everybody else was going into a right panic._

_Sanzo and Hakkai were the best off, as they had rooms alone. They simply stared at the ceiling, trying to remember what they were doing and what their names were._

_Gojyo and Goku, however, had already freaked out and begun an epic battle of wits despite the fact that, because of the nature of their ailment, they had no wits to speak of. As a result, their argument was little more than an all-out brawl._

_The worst was Comedy and his charges. The poor god had been assigned to what amounted to guard duty, but even this was difficult when everybody began to have a fit. The clones were fine—they were cloned from gods, after all—but rather apathetic about the whole thing and therefore useless, whereas Harry, Ichigo, and Zakuro had gotten it into their heads that this was some kind of kidnapping. Each of them, including Zakuro, was demanding to see either a lawyer or a mommy, and Yumoa was at a loss._

_This was indeed a serious situation, and nobody would sleep—aside from Sanzo—until the whole thing was resolved._

_Unfortunately for them, the only person who could easily fix it was Konran, and he was more in the mood to get laid and pamper his temporarily-docile equivalent than to resolve the issue. This was fine, however, because he would receive his comeuppance when Lydia regained her memories._

_In the end, Yumoa was forced to take charge, and did so with the authority and charisma of Gandhi and Adolf Hitler combined._

_Once everybody was tied up, he tried to call on Kon, but realized halfway down the hall that his cousin was very busy and not to be disturbed. For once in his life it was up to him to fix the problem, and at the moment of truth he got bored and decided to wait until morning to do it._

_Like a child who had exhausted himself during a play date, Comedy fell asleep on top of the comforter, leaving the traumatized prisoners under extreme distress and in dire need of the facilities._

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

**(1) **Loki's Incantation: "May you remember neither time nor people, thus I have said, thus it shall be."

**(2) **Fugue: (psychiatry) A pathological condition in which a person is apparently conscious of their actions, but is unable to recall them afterwards. Often brought on by stress, and may persist for several months. (A form of amnesia)

_In light of the lack of reviews, I'm not going to do the next chapter unless you guys can inspire me, 'cause even though I desperately want to write it, my scribble gland has been leached dry and ground into fine flour just for the sake of this chapter. I've resorted to playing Pokémon Diamond on the Nintendo DS (which my AWESOME friend gave me over winter break) for inspiration. I'm floundering here, really. The last few chapters have been utter crap, and for that I'm sorry, but when people stop reviewing—especially while I have more important things to do like sleeping and homework—my brain starts thinking that nobody cares anymore._

_An author's creativity is only as good as the people who support her. I can't even write my book, I'm so blocked._

_And to **kinnikinnick**, you're making me nervous! I need to know if my baby is safe, and if you're enjoying it, and if you're still sane, and if your classes suck or not...you know, the usual. (sigh) I'm so tired._

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	25. Savant: Absurdist Irrationalization

**The Sequel: Chapter XXV** **(Current Mood: Parmesan)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I opened a deviantART account, in case anybody cares. Find me under the name "cyh-anide". Hope to see my precious readers there! (I'll mention this again at the end, in case people ignore my A/Ns)_

_Anyway, it's February, and the temperature is 85 F...I'm SO moving to Alaska. (Edit: Actually, it's now March...) (sigh) I never thought I would say it, but I miss England. I owe my writing obsession to that place._

_EVERYBODY!! SAY THANK YOU TO ENGLAND! (angry face)_

_This chapter dedicated to **buyokitty** for staying with me so long and reviewing every chapter thus far. Special thanks to **Basket **and **BASH** for pitching ideas! You guys rock so hard. (Huh..that DOES sound wrong, doesn't it? I was right.) Extra special thanks to **Aonadharcach **for being so nice to this lonely author. I need more readers like you. _TT.TT

_As a present, and because I'm a shameless review-whore, this chapter is in Yumoa's POV._

_**CAN YOU TAKE IT?! CAN YOU REALLY?! WILL YOUR MIND SURVIVE?!**_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Ultimate love is cannibalism."—Richard Matheson (?)_

"_Hyde is Love...and Love is a psychopath." (Oh, how true that is.)—Jackman's Mommy, "Jekyll" on BBC. _

"_Scariness...your butt hole just spit in your pants."—Dark Lotus, (song) "Cripple and Rape Me"_

_"Writing is a matter of finding the appropriate balance between dinosaurs and sodomy."—Michael Swanwick_

* * *

**_Savant: Absurdist Irrationalization_** (A/N: I'm not sure if "irrationalization" is a word, but if it isn't, it should be."

**(Terra ****Ī****nsol****ē****ns) **_(Latin Translation: Bizarre Territory—Yes, "insolent" can be construed to mean "bizarre".) _

"They're spending an awful lot of time in there," Bob commented to me as we sat in the hall between Sanzo's room and Kon and Lyds' room. It had been necessary to change all of the locks on the doors in order to keep the parties from escaping into the unknown. The scent of Nepenthe still hung in the air, making my nose tingle and prolonging the fugue. I had tried to sleep, but I was too worried, and the dimensionally misplaced people kept shouting for me to let them use the bathroom.

So now I was here, thinking about what to do about all of this.

"If Lyds forgot how to be mean, then Kon's probably having the time of his life right now," I argued lightly. "I can't just barge in, can I?"

"Why not?" The bunny looked up at me, probably making a skeptical face, though it was hard to tell with all the plush fur and steel plating in the way.

"Look, I've done it before, barging in when Kon's with a girl, and I gotta say, it's kind of embarrassing." Poor guy threw a fit every time, though I didn't really get what the big deal was.

Bob grunted. "I take it you're not referring to your own embarrassment?"

"Huh? Why should I be embarrassed? What Kon does is normal, right? If not a little excessive...I'm sure girls like flowers, too."

"You're a complete basket case, my friend." Bunny shook his head and folded his stumpy little arms. "Anyway, I think I hear Gojyo and Goku fighting again. Does that mean they're destined to battle incessantly? I mean, there's no memory between them—clean slate, as they say—so shouldn't there be more curiosity than anything else?"

I cocked my ear towards the second door to my right and sighed at the rumbling noise generated by two intensely battling youkai. "Just be thankful that Goku has his limiter on. It would be a pain in the butt to fix him if something happened. I wish they hadn't gotten the rooms switched around, but it's too late now."

What I really worried about were the clones. They were like Kon and me—carved from the stuff of gods. They still remembered everything. That put Lydia in a vulnerable position, especially since it seemed like she was a normal woman without those memories of her childhood. Lydia was the main reason why I had insisted on coming along in the first place. I was happy that she didn't remember all that pain, but still...she wasn't really Lydia anymore without them.

Kon was an idiot. In two years, the only progress he had made in tempering Lydia's rage was to let it grow on him into something completely unhealthy. Masochism...stupid, stupid cousin of mine. Without me around to pop in whenever Lydia was beyond his control, Kon would have become little more than taxidermy a long time ago. Now that there were clones of us running rampant like me after a Slurpee, and especially with this Nepenthe incident, it was my job to protect my family.

But Bob had a good point. Kon was taking way to long, and I needed his assistance if everyone wanted remember who they were. It was only a matter of time before Goku's limiter came off in a fight, or Sanzo rediscovered his bottomless pit of hatred for all mankind along with his Banishing Gun.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...The Monk Finds Himself—and a Gun) **__(In Sanzo's POV, since it's better that way.)_

_I stared at the ceiling, willing even the tiniest hint as to what was going on to appear before me._

_Nothing._

_Absurd. This was ridiculous beyond belief._

_It was hard to breathe, and my fingers kept twitching at random, as though I was supposed to be doing something, but I couldn't remember what that was, or why I wanted to do it so badly._

_And what was with this getup? Robes? Really, now. And that scroll. I could sense that there was something important about it, but I couldn't quite seem to reach that answer, either._

_Gods, I needed a smoke._

_I blinked in surprise and sat up quickly. That was it! I needed a smoke!_

_All right, now we were getting somewhere._

_I didn't even have to think about what I was doing. My hands automatically reached into one sleeve and withdrew a pack of Marlboro reds and a lighter, igniting the end with the familiar ease of years of years of experience. That first intake...ahhh...one necessity taken care of._

_As I reached back to replace the paraphernalia, I felt something dry and stiff, and with a small tug I pulled a long paper fan out._

_Wait. That didn't make any sense at all! How did it fit in there?! And why were there strips of lead between the paper?!_

_Okay, calm down...whoever I am..._

_This was getting to be a little irritating._

_I glanced over and found a mirror hanging over the sink in the bathroom, and walked over to stare hard at my reflection._

_Hmm...not bad. Not bad at all. But what was my motivation? Why was I here? Clearly, it was a rest stop of some kind. I could hear noises coming from the rooms on either side, but didn't recognize them. It sounded like someone was inciting a war on one side, and arguing with herself on the other. There was something vaguely irritating about both, as though some part of me wanted to shoot whoever it was making all that racket._

_Shoot? Odd, but that idea made me feel so...peaceful..._

_Clearly, I was insane. Why would I enjoy hurting people?_

_I looked in the mirror again, and realized that I was glaring at myself—glaring as though the person on the other side had done something heinous and unforgivable to someone important to me. This was strange, too. I tried to smile, but I didn't seem to recall how that worked, and ended up looking somewhat nauseated._

_Ugh. This was so stupid. I needed a drink. Maybe an alcohol-induced coma would fix whatever was wrong with my brain._

_It was a better plan than any, but when I tried to leave the room, I found that the door wouldn't even budge. Was I trapped? Was there a key I needed? Or had someone kidnapped me and caused this whole ordeal?_

_Deep down, something in the back of my head was telling me to hate people with black hair and blue-green eyes._

_Strange. This was beginning to annoy me beyond reason, and with an appropriate scowl, I returned to the bed and sat heavily._

"_Tired..." I muttered darkly, leaning back on my hands and wondering why the sound of the rain made my insides twist around in knots._

_Something cold touched my fingertips, and I looked down to see a little snub-nosed revolver peeking out from beneath the sheets._

_Ah. So that was why I wanted to shoot the noisemakers next door._

"_How good a shot am I, I wonder...?" I mused aloud, wrapping my hand around the shiny weapon and finding a twisted sort of pleasure in it. I took another drag and set the cigarette on an empty saucer on the windowsill--the ashtray was full._

_I was bored. Time for some target practice, and first to go was that mirror...

* * *

_

**(Geography Lesson)**

_**BLAM! BLAM! KAPOW! ZZZING! FSHHH...**_

I frowned in suspicion at Sanzo's door. "Ah, there's the gun. Not good. I've jinxed us all..."

"What the hell were those other sounds?!" Borgie demanded frantically, waving his arms in a blur as though it were something important.

I gave him a look. "Who cares? It could be aliens, for all we know. I'm not opening that door, though I think I should probably start reallocating my savings account money in case we need to head for the border." Ah, what a mess.

"WHAT BORDER?!" the bunny cried, his priorities all out of order.

"Mexico, duh," I replied, getting up with a sigh and folding my arms across my chest in thought. "Think Rio de Janeiro is nice this time of year?"

"THAT'S IN BRAZIL!!" If it were possible, I wouldn't have been surprised to see veins pop out of his little fuzzy forehead.

"Oh, you worry too much." I gave him a hug.

"Damn you and your carefree, moronic outlook on life."

I twitched involuntarily, then grabbed him by his little bunny neck and pinned him to a wall. "_**Cursing is not permitted,**"_ I growled darkly.

"Gah! Understood!" He wiggled helplessly, trying to get enough leverage with his one steel arm to dislodge my hand. "I apologize!"

I smiled brightly and gave him another hug. "Good bunny! Now, about that getaway...does Rio have that bull run any time soon? "

"You missed our destination by an entire continent," he muttered. "The bull run is in Pamplona, Spain, idiot"

I ignored him and thought some more. "Aw, but I'll feel guilty..." I pouted at Bob, and he eyed me cautiously. "Think we should get Kon after all? I mean, I know he's busy, but this is important enough, isn't it?"

"No. We should totally abandon your friends and run away to Rio de Janeiro—which, by some convoluted method of analysis, you seem to think is in either Europe or Mexico...OF COURSE WE SHOULD GET KON!" He panted briefly, exhausted by his own outburst. "Anyway! Go kick him in the head or something and throw him in a frozen lake, 'cause we got work to do, and that horndog is our only hope because you're utterly useless!"

"Roger that, Bun-Bun." I saluted him, then marched down the hall to Kon's room.

"Oh, and would you just call me Frank like I asked?"

"That's a negative, soldier! We are at war, and you are Commando Bob!"

"That doesn't even make sense! Am I an action figure?!"

I smirked, a beautiful idea popping into my head. "Hold on...let's postpone our tour and go Christmas shopping!"

He was silent for a moment, then muttered weakly, "Look, I realize that I'm probably speaking some dialect of Tongues that you with your Deified brain cannot comprehend, but you're a GREEK GOD. Christmas?! Are you broken? Really, I'd like to know. Or deranged, maybe? I can't think of any other explanation!"

I sighed, pausing at Kon's door and considering the narrow possibility that Bob was right. "Okay, we'll wait for December like all the rest of those procrastinating fools. I just thought it would be fun. Our tinsel got all melted last year."

"Your fault for putting two hundred feet of incandescent bulbs on a five-foot tree."

"Hey, it was cool, though."

"It was so bright that we couldn't even look at it, and most of the presents got singed."

"So?"

"So..." He paused to stare at me for some time, then shook his oversized head and made an impatient noise. "Never mind. Get Kon before something shiny catches your eye and renders you utterly useless."

"Silly Borgie Bunny Bob."

"GET KONRAN _**NOW!**_" he shrieked.

I winced at the loud noise, then decided that it was best not to point out how stress would send him to an early grave. "Fine, I'm goin', I'm goin'."

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...Someone is Confused)**_

_Having realized that he wasn't making any progress lying on the bed, Hakkai decided to makes some tea and sip thoughtfully as he sat at the breakfast table in his room. It had been an hour, yet no recollection of who, what, or where he was seemed imminent. There were disturbing noises of people shouting and fighting next door, but the only clue he had was a nagging feeling that he should probably go and quell the argument._

_It wasn't his business, however, so why should he care?_

_Frowning, he set down the cup and rested his chin on laced fingers, staring at the wall clock as it ticked past ten PM._

"_Well, I suppose it's too late to do anything right now," he mused, getting up to set his half-finished tea on the kitchenette counter and heading for the turned-out bed. "I'll figure it out in the morning."_

_With that thought in mind, he set his monocle on the bedside table and went straight to sleep, completely oblivious to the dire situation at hand.

* * *

_

**(Intrusion)**

It was showtime, and without knocking—I found that I got better results when there was some factor of surprise—I flung the door to Lyds' and Kon's room open wide and marched in.

"KOOOOOONNNNNNRRRRRAAAAANNNNNN!! I GOTTA TALK TOOOOOOO YOOOOUUUU—_**WHUMP!** —oww!"_ A supersonic pillow missile immediately struck me in the face and formed around my head like concrete. Stupid Tempurpedic...

"Can't you see that we're a little busy?!" my cousin's voice seethed from somewhere beyond the memory foam which had me in its tenacious clutches.

"Tch." I peeled the pillow off my face and tossed it out the door, frowning hard at Chaos. Lydia was huddled behind him, covering herself with a blanket and looking more than a little freaked out. My cousin still had his pants on...

"Yumoa. What...do...you...WANT?!" he snapped in a rage.

I glanced at Bob, but he wasn't going to move for them, so I met Kon's gaze, propped my hands on my hips, and said flatly, "The misplaced troops are frightened, Goku and Gojyo are reenacting Antietam with a two-man crew, Hakkai is confused, and Sanzo's cellular memory has turned him into an alien-possessed killing machine. Please take responsibility."

He blinked, then replied with equal frankness, "I know, and I won't. I'm busy. Now make yourself scarce. You're scaring Lydia."

"It is a dark day when Lydia fears me," I sighed, gesturing towards his state of dress. "Your pants are still on. Foreplay doesn't count, my friend. I'm sure that empty shell of a girl can handle an hour of solitude while you manage the Nepenthe that's floating around."

"Empty...what?" For a moment, I thought he would burst into flame under the influence of his own anger. "Take that back!"

"No, and I do not envy you the pain she will bring when she regains her memories and personality," I rejoined. "Kon, although I know that's Lydia, she feels more like the Lydiclone right now. That's twisted, even for you. Have you no self-respect? Have you no respect for _her?" _I shook my head adamantly. "I usually let it slide, but I can't this time. Get out there and help me, or I'll make you rue the day you were conceived."

Ah. Fear. It had been a few hundred years since the last time I made him afraid of me. I wasn't a violent person, but I wasn't just an idiot who stood by while terrible things happened, either...and I especially wasn't going to allow my best friend to hurt Lydia. She could take care of herself most of the time, but to think that he would exploit her at her weakest. It made me kind of mad.

"You have three seconds, or I'm coming over there and taking you by force," I muttered.

"I'msosorryIhavetogoI'llbebackassoonaspossible!" he cried unintelligibly, leaping out of bed and kissing Lyds' cheek quickly, before ushering me out the door with him and locking it tightly. Last I saw, Lydia looked as though a flying saucer had swooped down and abducted him. "Okay! I'm here!" he panted, pulling his arm through the neck of a sweater and struggling with the resulting entrapment.

I grinned. "You know, it's kind of sad that you're our leader when I'm the one with all the power."

He was in a terrible mood. "Shut up. You're damn creepy, that's what you are."

My grin broadened. "Cursing, eh?" He was being ridiculous. "What have I said about saying things like that in my presence?" I hissed, giving him an angry glare.

He cringed and backed away, finally fixing his clothes. "All_** RIGHT!**_ Ye Zeus, you're such a schizophrenic demon sometimes—you're aware of this, correct?"

"Quite proud of it, actually. That way, I can have lots of friends and still keep you in line." I frowned a little. "Really, though, I thought you were better than that, Kon. She loves you for real, and this is what you do when she's out of her right mind? That's almost like cheating..."

"Are you going to send me on a guilt trip to Tartarus or are you going to fill me in on this Nepenthe situation?" he demanded.

"Oh, I'm sure you can manage the guilt trip on your own," I laughed. "Anyway, yes, about the Nepenthe. I've got everybody locked in, so it's mostly contained, but Sanzo has his gun, and the red-head and monkey still hate each other."

"Their names are Gojyo and Goku, you idiot," he sighed in exasperation.

"I know, but 'red-head and monkey' just paints such a hilarious picture in the mind. Like 'Carrot Top versus Angry Baboon' or something along those lines."

"You may be the only person I know who looks at the world from that unique perspective," he disdained.

"At least I'm not 'Mr. Happy-Pants who can't control himself even when his fiancée is in danger'," I countered. "Pathetic. Go do something helpful before my shame for you grows to be too much to bear."

"There's just no winning against you, is there?!" he growled, spinning on his heel and stalking down to the last of our rooms. "I'll need some of Charon's antidote—and a spray bottle. I don't think Sanzo will drink it of his own volition, so I'll just pretend he's a persistent cat or something..." That idea seemed to get him in a better mood, at least.

"Gotcha!" I closed my eyes and felt for a weak point in the fabric of reality, then pushed my way through and slipped down the dimensional shortcut like a roller coaster ride. "Wheeeeee!" Bob and I shouted gleefully. I loved taking the shortcuts. It was pitch-black, but I could sense where the turns were and directed myself accordingly towards the gates to Tartarus.

* * *

_**(Carrot Top versus Angry Baboon) **(A/N: I couldn't help myself. I love that image, too...)_

"_I don't know who the hell you are, but there's no way in hell I'm sharing a room with a little kid!" declared Gojyo, putting up his fists and taking a fighting stance on the second bed. "Get out! This is MY room, you little twerp!" Somewhere in the back of his head, he pined for a sharp weapon, but couldn't seem to figure out why that would be so urgent._

"_Who're ya callin' a twerp, jackass?!" Goku demanded—though he had no idea that his name was Goku. "I was here first! Why don't YOU get out, huh?!" He was on the coffee table, crouched low for a pounce similar to that of a rabid macaque. It felt comfortable, though he still sensed that something was missing from his arsenal. A stick, maybe...or claws..._

_This nagging sensation made him uneasy for several reasons._

"_How are you so sure you were here first?" retorted the kappa who didn't know he was a kappa, and felt rather mysteriously uncomfortable with the fact that the monkey wasn't addressing him thus. "We woke up at the same time! I'll beat your ass, you little punk! Don't think I won't!"_

"_We'll see about that!" the amnesiac Sage cried, leaping from the table and flying straight for the water sprite._

_At the same moment, Gojyo sprang forward with a flying kick, but though he caught the monkey in the ribs, his opponent grabbed his leg and twisted him in mid-air, throwing him into the wall and knocking the tasteless, generic prints from their hooks. Monkey, kappa, and prints all came crashing to the hardwood floor with a great racket, awakening the guests below._

_However, the guests were too afraid of what kind of monster was lumbering around upstairs to even call the front desk and complain. Within moments, the entire second floor was filled with grown adults cowering under their bedsheets like frightened children hiding from the monster in the closet._

_Thus they would remain, until either the combatants exhausted themselves—unlikely, considering their genetics—or were stopped by an outside influence. Within a month, the hotel's reservations would dwindle significantly and cause a brief recession in the local economy as the tourist branch of its industry dropped off the map under the influence of monster sightings._

_However, in time, things would pick up again as supernatural fanatics began scouting the area for glimpses into the unknown._

_For now, though, the 'monsters' were too busy trying to kill each other to worry about economics, and therefore continued their skirmish without restraint.

* * *

_

**(To Hell in a Hand Basket...or a Straw...Take Your Pick)**

_FWOOMP!_

After three minutes on the ride of the millennium, we reached our destination at last. Tartarus wasn't hot, the way most people imagined a Hell would be. Actually, Hades—or Pluto, as the Romans like to call him—really liked it cold, and kept the air conditioner as low as possible. I shivered in the chill, wondering about his electricity bill and regretting briefly that I hadn't brought a parka along as I headed towards the Gates.

Cerberus had been sleeping, and when I approached he lifted his enormous heads and gave me a bleary look. "Oh, hey, Comedy. What're ya doin' here?" his deep, gravelly voice greeted, coming from all three heads at once in puffs of steam—three-point-one stereo plus fog machine. He was a portable dance club, and about as much fun when the right mood struck him.

I waved and trotted over to pat the first head to bow low enough. "Hiya, Cerberus. Chaos sent me. Somebody's been in the Lethe again, and they played a dirty trick on my friends."

A pensive rumble emanated from his expansive chest, and he slowly got up and sat back on his haunches. "Actually, there was a strange visitor just the other day. Threw Pluto into a fit when he found out, but the guy gave me a cow, so I couldn't argue with that kinda hospitality, ya know?"

That piqued my curiosity. "Really? D'you know who it was, 'cause my cousin will probably wanna find out. The culprit got Lyds with the Nepenthe, and, well, he gets into kind of a scary place when she's in trouble...if he's not busy being a lecherous idiot, of course."

"Yeah...his reputation is worse than the Hydra's, actually," he muttered, scratching behind the left head's ear with a hind leg. "Well, the visitor wasn't one of us Greco-Romans, that's for sure. Had a salty, ocean smell, so I'll take a guess and say one of Odin's boys."

"Odin?" I frowned deeply. "That doesn't make sense. The Norse gods don't usually come to Tartarus unless there's a meeting."

Cerberus shrugged shoulders fifteen feet above. "That's just how he smelled. The Hindus avoid us completely, those quirky Judo-Christian religions pretend we don't exist, Buddhists are a lot more humble, and those eight million or so Shinto gods smell like incense."

"I see...I need to tell Chaos. The Norse gods can be a handful."

He chuckled, and the ground beneath me vibrated. "You should know, shouldn't you? At least you didn't turn out like Hel or Fenrir."

I grimaced. My dad Loki, the Trickster, was probably one of the least-liked Norse gods amongst the Greeks. At some point, my mom Philotes, Goddess of Friendship, had decided that Higeki and I should grow up under her care and kept me away from my father's negative, party-going influence. Good call, but it hadn't been easy even then. Tragedy and I had always been somewhat outcast. Only Chaos had been open to befriending the son of the Trickster. He'd been under Aunt Aphrodite's care while Order preferred living with Aries.

Order was worse than Chaos in a lot of ways...which was why we pretended that she had never existed ever since Akhlys decided to get rid of her for us.

"Do you..." I trailed off in uncertainty, then took a deep breath and asked anyway, "Cerberus, do you think it was my father who came in? Is there any possibility?"

"Hmm...he was clever, so there's a good chance that it was him. He's not a pureblood god, though, so I don't know what kind of trick he used to get into Hades."

"He's Loki. That's a special brand of power right there," I sighed, suddenly kind of muddled. I didn't know how to feel about the thought of my father getting into more trouble with the Greeks. I didn't need the ostracism, and neither did my little sister, but some part of me wanted to see him again. He was my dad, after all. That was important to me.

"Anyway, buck up, kid," the giant, three-headed dog said dismissively. "You can find Charon on this side of the Styx. He's on his lunch break."

I put on a smile, thankful to the beast for being so nice to me all the time—Kon usually got chased around for a bit, then snatched by the scruff and tossed into the boat half a mile away. Cerberus thought he was being playful—Kon thought the hound was out to get him. My cousin was terrible at relationships. I was surprised that swine weren't fluttering through the frozen spires of that other Hell, considering how well things were going with Lydia.

It was yet another reason why I had to hurry and get back: to make sure he didn't end up destroying a miracle.

"Thanks, Cerberus!" I said gratefully. "Tell Tragedy I dropped by, would you? I miss having her around."

"Will do, Comedy." He chuckled again as I ran off towards Charon's pier, and settled back down to doze again as peacefully as a five-ton Hound of Hades was capable of.

When I found that wiry old soul, Charon was just putting his things away and preparing to open up shop again. There was a long line of milling, impatient souls stretched from the entry point to the small door in the gate, chatting about loved ones left behind or fiddling with their coins. I had to be quick.

"Charon!" I called as I drew close enough.

The grizzled old Ferryman looked up at me, standing tall and proud despite his geriatric state. "Oh? Why, hello there, Comedy. I have to open the gate soon, so you'll have to be quick."

"I know." I came to a stop a few feet away and asked quickly, "Do you have any of that Nepenthe antidote on you? There's been an incident, and some of my friends are currently experiencing a minor fugue."

He thought for a moment, then began fishing though several dozen pockets located in various places throughout his long black robe. "Let's see...I keep one or two on me at all times in case one of the minor gods down here decide to toy with me...ah! Here's one." He withdrew a small vial shaped like a pear, and the acid green liquid inside fizzed as it was jostled around. "It's the concentrate, though, so you'll need to add water. A one-to-ten ratio is the optimum for humans."

I gratefully took the proffered vial. "What about youkai? They're kind of like demons, I guess..." Actually, I wasn't sure what the heck Gojyo and the others were, but that was as accurate as I could get.

"A three-to-ten ratio should do the trick. Who got into the Lethe, by the way?" He gave me a questioning look, and I shrugged helplessly.

"No idea. Cerberus says it was a Norse god or someone from that side. It might even have been my dad..."

Charon frowned in concern. "Hmm...Loki, eh? That's trouble, right there. Make sure you keep this stuff handy, just in case the troublemaker decides to make a second attempt."

"Will do. I gotta run, so I'll let you get back to work. Chaos owes you one!" I called, sprinting back to the main gate and waving behind me as he smiled in amusement at my rush.

"Be careful, kid!" he replied with a chuckle.

I laughed and called another thanks to Cerberus as I sped by, to which he twitched an ear and rumbled his farewell.

I was still running as fast as I could when I called up the dimensional path and dove through, taking the return trip back to Togenkyo. Hopefully, things hadn't gone completely insane in my absence.

* * *

_**(Waiting Game)**_

_Konran sat. It was all he could really do. Yumoa was most likely to get past Cerberus _sans _mangling, whereas the enormous hound would worry poor Chaos until he couldn't see straight._

"_This is kind of boring," complained the Lydiclone as she sat on her side of the queen-size she was sharing with the Klone. Solitus had argued, but, being a man of somewhat docile nature, he gave up after laying down the rule that under no circumstances was she to cross the middle line or steal the blankets. Regina was familiar with Solitus' Fist of Rage, and kept diligently to her side._

"_It's not as though we can do anything else," Kon sighed, frowning slightly when Harry gave him desperate eyes from his hog-tied position on the floor. "Don't tell me you gotta pee again..."_

_Harry looked away, embarrassed._

"_Damn it all..." With a soft growl he got up, untied the kid, and shooed him to the bathroom. "If you try anything at all, I'll have Regina use you as a stool, got that?"_

_Harry nodded quickly, then rushed inside and locked the door._

"_Thus passes the glory of wizards," Chaos mock-lamented, sitting back down and pouting at nothing in particular. "What's taking that idiot so long, anyway?"_

"_Maybe he got attacked by Cerberus?" Solitus suggested._

"_No, that insane mutt adores the fool. I'll bet he's just having a grand old time chatting it up with Charon or some random soul wearing a funny hat..." It wouldn't be the first time. The god rolled his eyes at the thought. Only Comedy could get so sidetracked when anyone else would be in a desperate hurry._

"_Argh!" he cried suddenly, frustrated with just about everything. After all that hard work, he finally stopped being furniture. After so much torment, he now had what he wanted more than anything, and then _this _absurdity had to happen? _

_He was suddenly in agreement with Sanzo's outlook on life: kill whatever gets in the way and let the higher-ups sort it out, then go about your business as though nothing had happened._

"_Why don't you check on Gojyo and Goku?" Regina muttered, somewhat annoyed that her formerly-intended was being so gloomy in the absence of his sweetheart. "You look bored."_

"_I'm not bored, I'm thinking," he snapped back. "And there's no way in hell I'm going over there weaponless while those two are fighting. I'll just wait until they work themselves to exhaustion, then deal with them like the children they are."_

"_I'm pretty sure Gojyo's a grown man," was her clipped reply. "Don't belittle the hotness."_

_Kon blinked, then gave her a good, hard stare. "I don't know where you get your dialect from, but it's certainly not appropriate, and it's definitely not something I'm prepared to deal with at the moment, so if you would kindly shut up, I would appreciate it immensely."_

"_What's Lydia doing?" Solitus asked, trying to quell the fight before it began._

"_No idea. I'd check, but if Yumoa catches me I'm a dead man. Doesn't change how worried I am, however...actually, let's not discuss it."_

_The bathroom door clicked open then, and Harry stepped out with a relieved sigh. "Better..."_

"_Good, now get over here and hold still like a good little hostage while I tie you back up," muttered Konran, standing again and gathering the lengths of rope.

* * *

_

**(Taking the Edge Off)**

I ended up exiting the ride in front of the hotel, and almost tumbled into a mud puddle, but at the last moment I grabbed a light post and stopped myself from taking the plunge.

"Haaah...that was close!" I gasped, holding a hand over my head and squinting through the heavy downpour.

"Hurry up and get inside!" cried Bob, flailing around and trying futilely to wriggle further into his pouch without the much-needed assistance of opposable thumbs. "My fuzz is gonna get damp! Plushies aren't meant for the elements!"

"Right-O, soldier!" I replied, covering the bunny with one hand and clutching the vial tightly in the other as I raced around deep pools of muddy water to get back into the hotel. By the time I made it indoors, however, my hair was plastered to my head and dripping into my eyes. "Ah, it itches," I complained, rubbing my eyes with a fist.

"Would you like a towel to dry off, sir?"

A terrycloth towel appeared before me, and I gratefully accepted. "Thanks! Lydia gets mad when I drip water all over the place." I dried my face and hair and hands, then looked up and smiled. "I'll make sure Kon tips you really well."

Then I froze, staring in surprise at the person who had given me the towel.

Pale gold and silver streaked hair, silver eyes, and my little nose...

"Hey, son, how's life?" he chuckled, grinning brightly.

"AUGH!" I screamed, leaping back and pointing wildly at him. "Loki! Dad! Loki! _KONRAN!!" _Panicked beyond human comprehension, I ran away and headed upstairs, taking five at a time and nearly breaking the door when I burst into the holding room for Harry, Ichigo, and the clones. "Kon! KON! Chaos! Help! BAD! Not good! _**CHAAAAOSSSSS!!"**_

"Yumoa, what the hell is it?!" Startled, my cousin jumped out of his chair.

"It's my dad! IT'S MY DAD! Why is Dad here?!/?!11?!eleventy/one?!"

He arched a brow at me. "That was quite the interobang."

"SHUT UP, DAMMIT!" I cried, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. "Why is Loki here?!"

"Um, you just cursed," he pointed out dryly.

"AUGH!" He was avoiding the question! And how did I let that slip out?! Clearly, I wasn't in my right mind. Fine, I would plead insanity.

"Okay, time to breathe, Comedy," he sighed, removing my hands and steering me over to the chair he had been sitting in.

The clones gave me quizzical looks while the other three stared warily like mice trapped in the lion's den, and I shot them all a dark glare. I was having a crisis, and this was the support I got? Where was justice? Where was Mommy when I needed her? She'd give him a good talking-to and send Dad right back to Valhalla where he belonged. Dad really loved Mom, so he'd listen for sure.

"Kon, why is my dad here?" I asked quietly, leaving the frightened amnesiacs alone after a moment to think.

Kon sighed and pulled the other chair up. "Kannon found out, and informed me right after we ran down Harry. I figured you'd react like this, so I decided not to tell you. He's the one warping the dimension."

I gawked at him, and before I could stop myself I lunged forward and punched him across the face. His head whipped to the side, but he remained seated, well-accustomed to being abused. "You jerk!" I accused, standing over him as he grimaced and massaged his cheek. "That's Loki, you nut! _**LOKI!! **_He's crazier than I am!" I paused. "Not as crazy as Lyds, though...she's a special case...but at least she's not a god with enough power to destroy an entire plane of existence! He's probably got his sprites and booby-traps set up all over the whole dimension!"

"Entirely possible, but he's still your father, and I know you two have a good relationship. You're lucky to have that, so I didn't want to hurt you." He looked up, wiping the blood from his lip and giving me a tired smile. "He won't hurt you."

"But he won't hesitate to hurt _you _or Lyds or anybody here..." I whispered, unable to stay angry. Kon was just looking out for me, like always. He called me stupid and useless and all kinds of mean things, but we were still best friends. I kind of wished I was strong enough to help him as much as he had helped me.

He sighed, standing up and tousling my hair. "Look, Comedy, Loki is the main obstacle, but at the moment we're useless, so why don't we deal with the problem at hand and neutralize the Nepenthe first, huh?"

I squeezed the little vial, then smiled a little and handed it to him. "Yeah, you're right. Besides, maybe we can talk Dad into leaving this place alone."

"And if worse comes to worse, we can beat him up real good and send him home on a stretcher," my cousin chuckled, taking the antidote and shaking it in the light. "Did you get a spray bottle?"

I blinked. "Umm...oh!" I hurried over to the stash of supplies and rummaged for a bit, before withdrawing a spray bottle full of water. "I brought it for my bonsai, but I forgot the bonsai at home, so you can use it."

"You're really bizarre, I hope you realize."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just take the bottle and help me fix everyone..."

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLA—CHINK!**_

Before we could respond to the noise, the door blasted open and in the light of the hallway there stood Sanzo, dressed in his leathers and jeans and aiming his banishing gun straight at me.

"Hi. I can't remember who I am or why I'm here, but shooting shit _really_ seems to take the edge off," he said with a demonic grin.

"Eep! Kon!"

"Catch!" I snatched the vial in midair, popped the top, and emptied the contents into the spray bottle, then tossed it back to Kon. "Your move!"

Grinning fiercely, Kon took advantage of the monk's temporary distraction to sprint forward and bring the bottle into range. A split-second later, Sanzo reacted and whipped his gun around, squeezing the trigger automatically as Kon pulled the trigger on the spray bottle.

This was a really weird gunfight...

_Pssst._

_**BLAM!**_

Simultaneous shots rang out, though the gun was decidedly louder, and as the mist cleared I saw both of them fall to the floor, clutching some part of their anatomy—Kon, his stomach; Sanzo, his face.

"Whoa, he really shot ya," I murmured in surprise, trotting over to Kon and kneeling beside the pool of blood. "You okay?"

"I'll live," he groaned, gritting his teeth and forcing himself up with a labored gasp. "Damn, I can see how that thing kills youkai in one shot! Packs a real punch, that little thing."

"Fuck...you..." panted the monk, getting up as well and glowering at us. "What the hell just happened?"

Kon grinned. "I was taking care of a persistent cat."

Sanzo gave him a cold glare. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, answer my question."

I decided to step in before anything else happened to aggravate the priest. "My dad got into the Lethe in Tartarus, the river of Forgetfulness, and brought some of the water back. The Nepenthe, as we call it, induces mild amnesia. In order to neutralize it, I got some of the ferryman's antidote and Kon sprayed you with it 'cause he figured you'd never drink it of your own will in that state."

Sanzo just stared, then scowled. "Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"Wait, don't you want to help get the others back in their right minds?"

He got up and stalked away as fast as he could. "No. I need a smoke and a drink, and I need you all to disappear forever, if possible. If not, just don't come near me again with that bottle, got it?"

"Uh...right."

"You damn well better get it..." he muttered darkly to himself as he reentered his demolished room and slammed the broken door shut.

I looked at Kon, and he gave me an irritated frown.

"It pisses me off that I'll probably never get either a thank you _or_ an apology from that guy," he complained.

"I'm sure Lydia will take your mind off it," I laughed, helping him to his feet and handing him a roll of paper towels from the table. "Get cleaned up while I take care of Hakkai. He'll be useful, and probably won't shoot me."

He handed the spray bottle over and took the wads of paper to mop up his blood. "Get these three here first, then Hakkai. Leave Lydia, Goku, and Gojyo to me, okay? Lydia's my responsibility, and the other two are still fighting..."

"Sure thing, Kon."

He was giving me all the easy stuff, but I didn't argue. His pride was important to him, despite how abused it was when faced with Lydia's indomitable presence. He deferred to her for almost anything, so I let him have this little bit to keep him happy. I owed him that much, at least.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...There Is No Honeymoon)**_

"_Look, I can sleep on the couch, and you can have that enormous bed all to yourself," Seimei offered for the fifth time, lounging on the aforementioned velvet couch in his boxers and robe and trying to convince Hwan that he wasn't a complete scumbag. "I swear upon the test tube which birthed me that I won't do anything you don't want me to do."_

_The doctor sat curled up in the center of the king-size honeymoon bed, cursing herself for bringing such indiscreet nightclothes and hiding it beneath her own robe. "That was a weasel statement, wasn't it?" she demanded. "For all I know, you could be planning to trick me."_

"_Well, if you're in the mood, then who am I to deny?" he muttered under his breath._

_She heard it, however, and her bespectacled eyes narrowed. "Sleep in the bathroom. I'll unlock it in the morning. The tub is big enough."_

"_What?!" He flinched in surprise at the inhuman demand. "No way! What the hell kind of compromise is that?! Come on, give me a little credit here. The couch is fine. Very comfy."_

"_Ugh!" Hwan wanted to beat him upside the head with a candelabra, but thought better of it when she considered his origin. She had designed them for maximum power output and versatility, though that seemed to have backfired in the case of the other two. Regina and Konran's clone were too unstable and too apathetic, respectively, to achieve the desired results. Seimei, however, was level-headed and resilient. If any of them had power in a fight—or a revival, as the case may be—it was him._

_She didn't stand a chance against her own creation, even if she was a youkai._

"_I need a drink," she grumbled, too stressed to care anymore. Simmering quietly in her own mind, she got out of bed and headed for the wet bar, where she poured herself a snifter of cognac and brooded on a barstool while sipping occasionally._

_After a few minutes, the other stool scraped across the oak floor, and Seimei sat down as well. "Do you mind?" he asked cautiously._

"_Whatever. It doesn't matter..." She took another sip and let the alcohol warm her insides. It was chilly in the vast suite, and the rain still shivered in her bones and wet hair. Everything was a mess. First Regina decided to run away with all of her research hard copies, then Seimei proved himself useless in helping fix the problem, and now that third clone was somewhere out there and she didn't even know if he was okay or not._

_If this was motherhood, then she could certainly do without._

"_Hey...Hwan?" ventured the clone beside her._

_She grunted, too focused on getting hammered and reallocating the blame to give anything more than that._

"_What were you planning to do with us after we used those scriptures you've got to revive the big guy?"_

_That certainly got through, and she finally looked up, bleary-eyed. "I dunno...depended on Milady's wishes."_

_He frowned in confusion. "Would she have had us killed? Imprisoned?"_

_The Doctor shrugged and sipped some more. "She likes to hurt people, to destroy the things that are important to them. She's already done it to me...why not do it again?" Hwan looked up at him, studying his face. "I made you...all of you...that's important to me, so..."_

"_Gyokumen Koushu would kill us just to hurt you?" the clone demanded indignantly._

"_That's how she works. That's how she controls us." She looked away, glaring at her cognac. "I wish I could leave...I've been her slave for so long..."_

_To Seimei, it was obvious that something wasn't right. "Hwan, why are you working for Lady Koushu? What did she do to you?"_

_Unexpectedly, she giggled. "I hate that bitch...no appreciation for my work...always on the Proseff...Proseff...Professor's side."_

_He realized then that she was smashed, and glanced at the half-finished snifter in bafflement. "Wow, your tolerance is just pathetic."_

"_Shut up! Damn that whore!" Angrily, she slammed the glass on the bar, but the fragile crystal shattered in her hand, and she winced as the shards pierced her skin. "Ouch...bleeding..."_

"_Whoa! Hold still, I'll get a First Aid kit." The clone made sure that she was too busy staring off into space to get down, and hurried to the closet where the kit was stashed on the top shelf. Moments later, he returned and set to work picking out the glass and cleaning the cuts, before wrapping everything in bandages. "Hwan, you're better than this," he admonished quietly._

_The Doctor watched absently as he cut the length of tape and fastened the bandage tightly enough to hold through the night._

"_You might need stitches, but if you take off the limiter, then you should be fine." He touched the bracelet around her wrist and gave her a questioning look, and after a pensive frown she nodded. "Oh, good." Before she could retract permission, he unhooked the ends and pulled it off, and within moments she was back to her usual, pointy-eared self._

"_My hand hurts..." she muttered. "My head, too...I wish Milady would get rid of Ni."_

"_You think too much, Doctor," Seimei replied gently, aware that she wasn't handling inebriation all that well and trying to cushion the fall. "Let's get you into bed. You'll feel terrible in the morning, though." Before she could argue, he picked her up off the stool and carried her over to the king-size._

"_Huh...you smell nice, too..." she mumbled vaguely, squinting at him._

_He stared at her in surprise, then quickly laid her on the bed. "Oookay, you're wasted. It's bedtime, Doctor. In a few hours you'll be back to normal, all right?" Before he could get any stupid ideas, he pulled the blankets over her and returned to the bar to down his tequila, then went to get some blankets for the couch._

_As he was preparing his own sleeping arrangements, however, the doctor called for him, and he cautiously approached after a brief battle of conscience. "Yes?"_

_She blinked sleepily, "My glasses...can't reach..."_

"_Oh, yeah. Sorry." He picked the spectacles off her face and folded them, then set them on the bedside table. "Anything else? I'm about to go to sleep, too."_

_It took her a moment to think about it, but after that moment she said softly, "Thank you for caring...Milady and Ni are so terrible to me."_

_His eyes widened slightly, but he couldn't help a warm smile. "I'm alive because of you. Of course I care. Good night, Hwan. Things'll work out somehow."_

"_I hope. Good night, Seimei..." she trailed off for the last time, and passed out completely._

_Once certain that she would be okay until morning, he fixed his couch and got in, glad that the expensive furniture made for a comfortable bed._

_It was several hours, however, before he fell asleep.

* * *

_

**(Carrot Top versus Angry Baboon: Part Deux)**

Once Ichigo, Harry, and Zakuro were back to normal and stretching their limbs after several hours in bindings, I went over to Hakkai's room and knocked lightly.

"Ah! Just a moment!" There was some bustle on the other side, then the door clicked open and Hakkai peeked through the crack. "Can I help you?"

I thought about it. "Well, have you been feeling kind of...forgetful lately?" I asked.

His eyes widened a bit. "Actually, yes! Do I know you? I apologize for forgetting, but...well, I don't remember how that happened, either..." He laughed nervously and opened the door wider. "Would you like to come in for tea?"

"Actually, I've got some more friends to help, so if you would just drink this, you'll be back to normal in no time at all." I smiled and held out a tumbler of diluted antidote.

"Really? That's all?" Hakkai took the glass and gave the vivid liquid a skeptical frown.

"Go to that room down there for the full explanation when you're done. I'll tell everybody all at once, to save time."

"Oh...okay, then..."

"Hurry up, now!" I waved and jogged to the last room down the hall, where Konran was waiting to take care of Goku and Gojyo.

"See, that's why I like that man," he sighed, shaking his head. "Why can't the rest of them be as reasonable?"

"You can't expect everyone to go along with your ideas," I pointed out. "And what's the fun in that, anyway?" Shook the spray bottle and laughed, "I didn't even need that. He should be out shortly."

"All right, then. Let's get these two wild animals taken care of so I can go check on Lydia. She may be docile in this state, but there's no guarantee that she'll rediscover how good it feels to hold a blade." Without further ado, he closed his eyes and dissolved into tiny black particles, slipping under the door and unlocking it when he reformed on the other side. "Come on in, Comedy."

I peeked in, and frowned when I saw that the two hadn't even noticed our intrusion. Goose feathers floated in the air as they tried to strangle each other. "Honestly, where's the love?" I muttered in exasperation. It was kind of disappointing that even amnesia couldn't fix their innate need to hurt one another.

"Forget that, just give me the bottle," Kon hissed, reaching behind him and wiggling his fingers. "I don't need them noticing our—_gah!"_

I slipped inside and ducked just in time to avoid getting knocked into the wall by a flying body, grimacing empathetically for poor Gojyo. "Owie. That's gonna hurt come winter."

"You!" growled Konran, losing patience in an instant and suddenly binding the kappa in a painful joint-lock. "I'm tired of you playing around!"

"Who the hell're you?!" Gojyo demanded in surprise, clearly only just discovering our presence.

"I'm the God of Chaos, and if you don't find some degree of self-restraint where that monkey is concerned, I'm going to pull a Lydia and shave your head while you sleep!" he snapped, unlocking the spray bottle with his teeth and aiming right up the redhead's nose. "Now wake up!"

He pulled the trigger, and Gojyo began gagging as the antidote tried to go down the wrong tube. "Augh! Leggo! Leggo! I can't breathe!"

Smirking, Kon released him and stood up, brushing his pants off and looking at Goku, who crouched on the bed and watched in uncertainty. His golden eyes blinked rapidly as he tried to process what was going on.

After a long silence, he ventured slowly, "Ummm...who are you people? And who's he?" He pointed at the gasping kappa.

"Just hold still and all the answers will return," my cousin said, adjusting his hold on the bottle as he prepared for a strike. "Your memories are being blocked by a kind of mild poison...this is the antidote."

He shook his head adamantly, confused and frustrated. "That's stupid. No way. Look! It's hurting him!"

Kon rolled his eyes. "That's because he's a stubborn ass who needs the occasional shock. And it went right up his nose—even water hurts if it gets in your sinuses. You want to fight? I'll fight it out with you, even if you're a kid."

Ah. He shouldn't have said that. I covered my face, peeking between my fingers.

Before Kon could react, Goku sprang forward, screaming angrily, "Don't call me 'kid'!" Like a bullet, he hit my cousin with a savage tackle, knocking the bottle right out of his hand and pinning him to the floor. Well, Goku _was _kind of a god...it was only natural that he could hold his own.

"Dammit!" Grimacing with the effort, Chaos extracted his arm from the pin and caught the Sage across the face with a fallen cookbook. As Goku winced momentarily at the pain, he reached out and grabbed the bottle again, quickly bringing it to bear.

"No!" Automatically, the monkey grabbed Kon's wrist and caused the shot to hit Gojyo again instead, but within moments the target was locked again, and before he could be stopped, Kon pulled the trigger and sprayed Goku in the face, point blank.

I winced. "Whoa!" Goku freaked out, and I quickly grabbed hold of Chaos' arm to drag him out of harm's way.

"Argh, my eyes!" cried the monkey.

"That was unnecessary," I muttered to my cousin, frowning at Goku's pain.

He covered his face with a hand, panting a little. "They'll get over it. Just make sure they're fine while I go give Lydia the antidote. I don't know know if that was enough of a dose for Goku—he's more like us than like them."

"Roger that." I saluted and grinned. "Thanks for helping out. I dunno if my dad's still here, though...what should we do?"

He shook his head and opened the door after setting the bottle on the table just in case I needed it. "He's not here. I can't sense him. We'll have to corner him if we want to get things back in order."

"Oh..." Part of me was sad to hear that Dad had left, but the rest was relieved. He didn't belong in this place, and I didn't want the townspeople getting caught in the crossfire. It was better to take the fight to a sparsely-populated area. "Go help Lyds. I'll be fine with these guys.

"Just don't let your guard down. Pretend they're your subordinates or something." He made an ambivalent gesture, then headed out.

"Ugh..." As the door closed, Gojyo rolled onto his back and clutched his face. "Shit...that hurts..."

I chuckled, seeing that Goku, too, was recovering well.

Good. I liked it better when nobody was fighting.

* * *

_**(Next Door)**_

_Konran stared at the antidote solution in his hand as he stood outside of his room, thinking hard. He knew that it was better for all concerned if Lydia's memories were restored, but to lose this sweet side and have her return to being a cruel mistress..._

_It hurt him either way. He wanted to do more than she would allow, yet he wanted her to be herself—contradicting desires which could easily become his downfall one day. The world was just unnecessarily complicated, if his opinion held any merit at all._

_In the end, however, he knew what the right choice was, and with a resigned sigh he unlocked the door and peered in._

"_Who's there?" called a voice from within. That voice did strange things to him, things he couldn't even begin to explain._

"_It's me, Princess," he replied, entering quietly and shutting the door behind himself. "I hope you were okay by yourself."_

_He found her still in bed, hugging a pillow and looking rather worried. "I wasn't sure if you were coming back..."_

_Silently, he shouted unutterable curses in several dead languages within the confines of his own mind. "Of course I would come back," he chided instead. "I've brought the antidote, so take it quickly."_

"_Oh. Okay, then." She scooted over and gave him room to sit on the bedside._

_Helpless. She looked helpless this way, and he wasn't used to it. So much so that his chest ached at the thought of what could have happened to her in this state if someone had come to hurt her in his absence. In the end, he realized, he would rather she were capable of taking care of herself. "Drink it all, please," he murmured, handing the little flask over and watching soberly as she opened the cork._

_She paused halfway, studying his expression. "Why do you look so sad?"_

_A twinge of pain in his heart forced the truth out. "I'm going to miss you being this nice to me. And I'll miss you letting me be this nice to you. You're a difficult person to love."_

"_Oh...I'm sorry." She hesitated, then reached out and touched his face gently. "If I have no memories, then I'm not me, right? It's better if I can remember you. I'd be happier if I remembered being with you. Right now, it's just fog, and that's kind of sad. Wouldn't you prefer it if I still had whatever makes you want me?"_

_He frowned. "Sure, but it would be nice if you were this sweet all the time."_

"_I probably am—in my own way."_

_Surprised at those words, he blinked and stared at her. "Princess..."_

_She grinned. "See? I'm right. Now, about those memories..." _

_All at once, Lydia tipped the antidote into her mouth and swallowed, then shivered as the cure did its work, a warm, curling sensation working quickly through her blood. In no time at all, the fog cleared and the sealed memories became accessible once more. Frowning hazily, she noticed Kon's morose stare._

"_Yo, ass-hat, what's your malfunction?" she demanded._

_Forgetting himself for just long enough, Konran grabbed hold of her, pulling her as close as possible. "You adorable, cruel little sweetheart," he whispered. "I love you so much I can't help myself."_

"_Eh? Are you on crack? Acid? Who beat your brain in, huh? I'll kill them myself!" Caught off guard, she couldn't even struggle. "Konran! What's wrong?" It took a while, but after some prodding he loosened his hold and drew back far enough to meet her startled eyes. "Don't get all weird without explaining yourself, dammit!" She was used to his emotional outbursts, but not when she was feeling so muddled._

"_I don't need to explain myself," he murmured, leaning down and pressing his forehead to hers. "Or, to be more precise, I can't. There is no logic in what I feel for you, and no matter how many times you draw my blood, I'll never let you get away."_

"_Right. Creepy. Why am I naked?"_

_Despite it all, the sudden, baffled question made him laugh. "That should be the most obvious thing in the world," he growled sweetly, tugging her close again and catching her lips with his._

"_HOLD ON! What the hell is going on here?!" she demanded, pulling away and crossing her hands in front of her face to block any further persistent advances. "I was in the shower...and then I was...I was..." Her eyes narrowed suddenly, and she grabbed him by his hair, twisting his head down so she didn't have to look up at him. "Did you drug me? 'Cause if you did..." The dangerous glint in her eyes made specificity unnecessary._

"_I didn't do anything. Loki did." He was calm, somehow. Probably, it was because she was there. The bliss was too much to be negated by some of the usual abuse. "He used Nepenthe, but Yumoa went back to Tartarus for the antidote and I gave it to you just now. That's the flask right there."_

_She glanced at the glass, seeing a few vivid drops left at the bottom, then returned to him with eyes narrowed. "I see..."_

"_Could you let go, please?" Konran requested, and to his confusion, she laughed. "What's so funny?"_

_She smirked, and leaned down. "No. I'm not letting you go anywhere, Chaos. You're __**my**__ slave, remember?"_

"_Oh...then could you let go of my hair...?" Her free hand slid to his collar, and he fell silent when she began undoing the buttons of his shirt. "P-Princess?"_

"_An eye for an eye, a shirt for a shirt. You probably knew Hammurabi personally." A few more buttons popped open._

"_I wasn't even born then...I think?" It was difficult to concentrate when she was undressing him. "I hope you're not just teasing me," he breathed, the air catching in his lungs when the last button opened and let her hand slip across his bare skin._

"_You know, if anyone is the adorable one, it's you," she commented, chuckling at the helpless look on his face. "See? Poor, helpless God of Chaos..."_

_Okay, he was willing to admit that she was more fun with her memories intact._

"_Really, now? Get over here, minx." Grinning, he took hold of her arms and pulled her down so that his face was buried against her throat. "Are you going to give in without a fight or do I have to beg you?" he whispered, flicking his tongue across her skin. "Either way, as long as you're mine, I don't care how much torture you put me through."_

"_Hmm...I think you deserve a reward for fixing my brain before putting the moves on me. What do you think?" She shivered under his touch, enjoying the pleasure, but too stubborn to act like she was._

_He chuckled sardonically. "Sanzo just shot me. I think some playtime is in order to get my mind off that annoying fact."_

"_Weird, I don't see any marks..." She frowned, pulling away enough to examine his chest. "Where?"_

_He pointed to his stomach, slightly to the left of his navel. "Here, but I heal quickly. What kind of god would I be if a little bullet could bring me down? The lead will come out the next time I dissociate."_

"_Huh. Can I have the bullet whenever it comes out?" Her eyes lit up hopefully, and he frowned in suspicion._

"_Why?"_

"_Because you got shot with it, obviously. I could probably sell it on e-bay for a pretty penny."_

"_Right. Thank you for your sentimentality." Sighing, he dispersed in a cloud of black dust, and when he reformed he was naked beside her and holding a tiny lump of metal between his thumb and forefinger. "Will this suffice to get you to stop following your little tangents while I'm trying so hard to seduce you?"_

"_Huh...it's small." She frowned, squinting at the little bullet and taking it from him. "Nah, I can't sell it."_

_Konran's eye twitched. "Why, pray tell?"_

_She calmly reached over and placed the bullet in the inner pocket of the coat Kannon had given her. "Because we've got better things to do, obviously."_

_Though he was a god, he couldn't possibly have predicted her next move, and thus didn't stand a chance. Faster than a jack-in-the-box, she body-slammed him onto the bed, and before he understood what the hell was going on, she'd already had her way with him so completely that he would have bizarre, disconcerting, recurring dreams about the event for years to come._

_Good dreams, though...in a scary, masochistic sort of way..._

* * *

**(Regroup)**

Kon was late. Like, two hours late. Hakkai had come over right away, and Gojyo and Goku after him. Sanzo was being stubborn, but that was just as well. He would probably get mad and shoot someone again. Even Kougaiji was present, though he hadn't been affected due to the fact that his room was on the other side of the hotel. He was concerned, though, and deserved to know what was going on, so I had called on him after Carrot Top and the Angry Baboon had arrived.

I really _really _liked that image.

By the time Kon and Lyds arrived, most of the gang had fallen asleep—Harry, Ichigo, Goku, and even Hakkai had crashed on some furniture piece or another. I wanted to sleep, too, but I couldn't until Goku and Hakkai left my bed.

"Sorry we're late," Lyds yawned as she entered behind Chaos, both of them wearing complementary robes and looking more than a little oversexed.

"You know, I'm happy that you two are getting along swimmingly, but I don't like it when I have to wait," I grumbled from the floor. "Look! My bed has been usurped by youkai! I'll probably need an exorcism to get them out now."

"At least they're not brandishing weapons, running around half-naked, and demanding scriptures left and right," Lyds replied with an uncomfortable frown as she let Kon pull her down to sit on his lap in one of the armchairs.

Gojyo glanced over from the window, chuckled, and put out his cigarette. "That's an excellent point, but if you two keep this up it's gonna make me look like I've lost my touch."

"You have my apologies," Chaos muttered in embarrassment. "We lost track of time..."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You really need another hobby. There has to be more to being in love than nightly romps. Lydia needs her sleep, unlike you." Shooting Kon an exasperated leer, I got up and went around the group, waking the ones who needed to know what was going on right away. Harry and Ichigo were allowed to rest, but the others were either already awake or essential to the game plan.

Once all concerned were up and drinking some tea Hakkai had prepared for the occasion, I looked at Kon and nodded for him to get down to business.

"Okay, here's the bare bones of what's been happening," he said soberly. "Yumoa's father, Loki, is the culprit behind the bout of amnesia and the dimensional instability you've been experiencing. He's not a real god, _per se, _but he's still powerful, and has plenty of minions to do his bidding. My suspicion is that he's been disrupting the fabric of this realm on purpose, but we don't know his motive, or why he decided on Togenkyo specifically. It's entirely possible that he was bored and looking for some entertainment, threw a dart at a map, and picked this place randomly."

"That's terrible," Hakkai commented. "What can we do to stop him?"

"Well, his motive is important. I can't kill him—none of us can while he's Odin's blood-brother, and I really don't want to deal with this clown here in the aftermath. However, if we can find out his reasoning behind coming here, we can probably convince him to go back home and leave this place in peace."

"Man, you two have some seriously messed up family trees," muttered Goku, yawning loudly and blinking the sleep away. "What about those minions? Don'tcha hafta get rid of them, too?"

Kon nodded. "We can take care of the ones we find, but they're a bit like ghosts—usually invisible and very persistent. If we get rid of the master, however, the minions will follow. Plus, if his intentions are ill, then he could easily bring Fenrir or Hel over, and then we'd have a real problem on our hands. Fenrir is supposedly supposed to cause Armageddon in our world according to the Norse gods, so he's locked away in Valhalla, but Loki could easily break him out and take him here."

"Fenrir? Aww, but he's such a sweet puppy," I muttered in defense of the goofy wolf.

Kon gave me a look. "Yumoa, you could befriend a mother grizzly or a Tasmanian devil without difficulty. I don't know how you do it, and it's really impressive, but half of the beasts with whom you're on familiar terms are vicious, insane, bloodthirsty monsters. Like Cerberus. I just know he's out to get me." He stared off for a moment and shuddered, and Lydia laughed at his expense.

"Wow, you just described _me," _she teased.

"Tell me about it. My back hurts."

Gojyo suddenly stood. "I have to do that thing..." he said quickly, running into the bathroom before we could react.

From inside, there came hysterical laughter, and Lydia and Kon shared a look, as though silently deciding whether or not he should be beaten.

Well, at least they were getting along. That was as much as anyone could hope for.

"So where is Loki now?" asked Hakkai, trying to pretend that Gojyo wasn't doing what he was doing.

Kon cleared his throat. "Well, he's gone West, it would seem. I think he knows what your mission is—or, rather, he knows where you're headed. I have no doubt that he'll crop up again in the near future. Guerrilla attacks are his modus operandi—much like someone else we know." He gave Lydia a sidelong smirk, and she shot him a look that said plainly he was risking a night on the couch.

"Man, why'd it have to be my dad, though?" I wondered aloud.

"He gets bored—just like you," Kon replied quickly, avoiding Lydia's stare. "Maybe you should loan him your game consoles every once in a while. I'm sure Lydia will let you play on her computer."

"Strike two,' she muttered darkly. "Last time I made that dire mistake, ALL my music was erased and I had to re-rip ALL of my CDs. Think before you speak, would you?"

"Of course," he sighed.

"Anyway, all we have to do is keep moving west to find him, right?" Goku asked.

Hakkai nodded. "It would seem so. We're headed that direction anyway, and we'll find him faster the sooner we leave."

"Then we should leave tomorrow, like Sanzo said." The monkey yawned again and rubbed an eye with the back of his hand. "Plus, I'm tired. Are we done here?"

I stood. "Yep! Now gimme my bed back. I'm tired, too."

"But this bed is better than mine," he argued, giving me puppy eyes to bring down a bull moose.

"Don't argue, Comedy. You can stay with Lydia and me," Kon sighed, rolling his eyes to Lydia, who immediately punched him in the face.

"Strike three!" she announced, getting up and stalking to the door. "Enjoy your couch, ass-hat!"

"Wait!" Clutching his bleeding nose, Kon bade a hasty farewell, and I waved pleasantly as he ran after her.

"Umm. Okay, you can have it back," Goku murmured in a daze, surprised by Lyds' prime example of guerrilla warfare.

I laughed. "Thanks, but I think Kon may be needing it soon."

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_YE MERCIFUL GODDESS, THAT WAS LOOONG! (over 12,000 words?!)_

_But I've been gone awhile, so that's okay. In other news, I've opened up a deviantART account under the name "cyh-anide" for those of you who want to see more of my artwork. If you've got an account, go ahead and add me! XD I wanna see your guys' work, too._

_More reviews equals faster updates, so review, please! Plus, I did this one in Yumoa's POV for you guys, so show some love._

_Please?_

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	26. Revamp: The Lunacy Is Back

**The Sequel: Chapter XXVI (Current Mood: Mozzarella)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I went to MegaCon in Orlando today (Saturday, March 8, 2008). It was insane. Orlando is such a crowded, crazy place to drive in. We were on the off-ramp for AN HOUR! An OFF-RAMP?! (stupid...) Anyway, I had a blast, and my legs are hurting. It's apparently the biggest convention in Florida, which isn't surprising. My only peeve was that there were too many comic book booths. The manga and anime were outnumbered at LEAST 3 to 1. (mutter) I didn't even get to see my favorite manga store there. (is angry)_

_(edit) This weekend (pi-day through the16th) was my college's own anime convention. If you' ever decide to vacation in Florida, make sure it's during FITcon. We have the only Ninja Rave in the world. (Foam swords plus fluorescent tape plus black lights equals joy! My entire body hurts, though...) I sell artwork there, so come and visit me in person! _XD _I'd like to meet readers from far away!_

_(edit again) 04/04/08 5:03AM I have a cold. Apparently, I do my best work while ill, so I'll try to put it to good use. (hack, wheeze...dies)_

_This chapter is dedicated to my 200th reviewer, **KnightFoxx**, who reviewed after much poking on dA. You rock, foxxy-momma!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar."—The caption on a T-shirt I bought at MegaCon._

"_If you vomit in my car, I'll blast you into next week so hard that they'll have to surgically remove the space-time continuum from your ass."—a character in my book, not Andy (I adore him with all my evil little heart. _XD_)_

"_I...fear mackerel!"—Haruka, "Tactics" vol 4, Bonus story part 3_

* * *

**_Revamp: The Lunacy Is Back_**

_**(The Hangover Chase)**_

"_Hwan! Hwan, wake up! We're gonna miss them!" Seimei shook the Doctor's shoulder insistently and rolled his eyes when she swiped his hand away and requested "the one with the purple tail" in a slurred, sleep-impeded tone. "Oh, come on. We don't have time for this!"_

_Hwan had a hangover—not surprising, really, but she wasn't much of a drinker to begin with, so this was a rare occurrence. Sure, she put up with enough of Ni Jianyi's crap to kill a human, but being trapped with Seimei while the Professor's abuse still sat fresh in the sorting pile within her memory banks had put her over the edge. At the moment, all she wanted was sleep. Sleep meant that the world had to wait before it could harass her some more. The only trick to making it work was shooing away all the things that wanted to wake her up. She made a mental note to create a force-field generator when she had the time._

_there were too many wake-up things in this world...like coffee..and alarm clocks...and donuts...and god-clones._

_Seimei, however, would have none of it. The storm had finally cleared overnight, and in the morning he had awakened to the sound of revving engines. Knowing that there were only two possible sources of the noise in Togenyko's civilian world, he immediately looked out the window and found the Sanzo party and it's associates loading their respective vehicles for the continuation of their trip._

_In a last-ditch attempt to wake the doctor, Yumoa's clone took a pot and a wooden spoon from the little kitchenette and began clanging loudly next to her head, screaming about fire._

_That did the trick, and Hwan nearly broke her ankle, wrist, and nose when she tangled a leg in the sheets, tripped out of bed, and landed hard on the wooden floor in her nightdress. Seimei decided not to comment on her nice ass._

"_Rrrgh..." she groaned, suffering from more pain than she cared to think about at this seemingly ridiculous hour. "What...what are you doing?!"_

"_Saving your research," the clone replied tersely, lifting her gently to her feet and handing her a cup of black coffee from the bedside table. "Here. It'll help."_

_Too dazed to think, she accepted the drink and sipped slowly, calmed by the perfect temperature and somewhat revived thanks to the caffeine. At length, she managed to ask more coherently, "What's all this about, Seimei?"_

"_The Sanzo party and my siblings are here," he replied, putting away the pot and spoon. He indicated the fully-stocked rucksack of supplies. "I got the bag from the dragon and filled it with food and provisions—as well as rain slicks in case we're trapped in another ridiculous storm."_

_Hwan's head cleared at his words, and she looked up in blatant surprise. "We have to follow them before tracking becomes impossible!"_

"_Gee, I wonder why I hadn't thought of that," he muttered sarcastically. "At least I wasn't the one asking for purple ponies in a drunken stupor while the world kept spinning around."_

_She gave him a dark look. "Are you done?"_

_He thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Now go shower or something while I check us out of the room." He fished through his pocket for a moment and turned his back to her. When he faced her once more, he had a thick mustache, sideburns, and Paris Hilton sunglasses. "How's this for incognito?"_

"_Either I'm still drunk or you look like a hobo rock star. Do what you have to, but if you're found out, I'm pretending I've never met you before in my life and leaving you here to explain yourself to the authorities."_

_She turned on her heel and locked the bathroom door behind her before he could respond with a witty comeback, and he cursed with feeling. "Look, I'm really not an asshole!" he shouted through the door, only to have the sound of running water answer loudly._

_Feeling thoroughly misunderstood, Seimei sighed and went off in the disguise anyway. The most he hoped for was some stranger's amused reaction, because he certainly wasn't getting anywhere with the frigid Doctor._

* * *

_**(Chargogagogmanchogagochaubunagunamog) **_**(1)**

"_I have a question."_

_Kannon looked up from the viewing pond and was almost surprised to see Eris standing beside the throne a few feet away. Venus didn't even blink._

"_Well! After that long absence, I had assumed you were off plotting something treacherous," the Merciful Goddess admitted with a wry smirk. "What brings you back? What did you want to ask?"_

_Eris frowned pensively, her cherry lips glistening in the ambient light of the Heavens. "I was wondering, since you are a Goddess of Mercy, whether you see any mercy in my son where I am concerned. I naturally assume that he despises me for what I have done to his equivalent, but perhaps I am wrong..."_

_If she had been a dog, Aphrodite's ear would have twitched, but she remained silent for fear of ruining this beautiful moment. Eris admitting her mistakes? This deserved Pay Per View, for sure!_

"_Well, in a way, it was your handiwork that caused those two to take the final step. If you hadn't pushed them both to breaking point, Konran would still be a depressed wreck, and Lydia would still be an ignorant little nit." Kanzeon Bosatsu smirked at the backwards workings of the Lower World. Things down there were wonderfully unpredictable._

"_Be that as it may, I still think I might have underestimated that human," the Goddess of Chaos mused. "To forgive him despite his terrible history with women...she must either be utterly mad or endlessly forgiving."_

"_I'm curious. What exactly is Chaos' history?" Kannon frowned a little, somewhat unclear as to why Lydia would react so negatively to whatever Eris had said in that little shed._

_Eris cast a sidelong leer at Venus, who pretended to be too absorbed in the goings-on below to pay any attention above. "Thanks to his aunt's influence, he took the wrong path and became a womanizer more notorious than Zeus himself. Venus used him to her advantage, having the nymphs teach him everything he could possibly need to know in order to recruit more worshipers for her temple."_

"_You mean he seduced them?"_

"_I mean he brainwashed them into believing that they could attain higher thought through debauchery. He devoured them, then handed the empty shells over to Aphrodite to fill with zealous adoration. He was forced to use his own equivalents as sacrifices for nearly a millennium. That is why Lydia was so angry._

"_However, this was all done behind Hera's back, and when the Queen found out, she cast him out of Olympus to spend his days in Tartarus as Hades' errand-boy. I would have returned after he grew to be a man, but I was so ashamed that I asked the Fates to write me off as a fallen Goddess—one whose power base has grown so small that her existence itself fades back into the chaos." Her leer turned into a full-on expression of indignant rage, but she refrained from attack only because she didn't want to have to answer to Zeus when his little girl got her ass kicked into next century._

"_I see...so he's basically an exile?"_

_The goddess nodded. "The only way for him to redeem himself is to marry a goddess of Olympus. Only then can he return to the palace. However, now that he has settled for this mortal girl, he hasn't a chance in Hades of coming back home."_

"_Oh, so that's the real reason behind your actions, is it?" Kannon chuckled despite herself. "I've seen worse. Humans do even more horrid things to their own kind."_

"_I know...and I spoke with Athena because she's supposed to be the wise one—though naming her pet owl Bobo seems a bit detrimental to the common person's image of wisdom." She made a face. "Anyway, Athena told me that my son was better off not coming back to Olympus. Too many complications would arise—we goddesses are vicious when it comes to the men we want, and bringing Chaos back would be equivalent to throwing raw meat into a shark frenzy."_

"_His reputation precedes him?"_

"_No. They want more of what they had once before—as I said, he went around the block hundreds of times before Hera cast him out. However, since he has his heart set on this girl, Athena seems to think that his unpredictable nature and atrocious behavior will improve. She'll control Chaos itself, so to speak."_

_The Goddess of Mercy nodded in agreement with Athena's logic. "Wise, indeed. Lydia would string him up by his ears if he ever made the stupid mistake of fooling around with anyone else. I think he fears her as much as he loves her."_

"_It's so unhealthy that even I can't understand where his convoluted head his taking him."_

"_Don't assume that he's thinking with the head on his shoulders. There's an awful lot of desperate lust coming into play here, and since both of them are more than a little repressed, it's only natural for things to evolve along this chain of events." She chuckled at the thought, despite how true it was. It just seemed to her that both gods and men had a terrible habit of taking the hard road when the easy one was right there. Whether it was pride or pigheadedness, it still amused the hell out of her._

"_In that case, I suppose I should give them a little bit more time to settle down before stopping by to meet with him. Now that I've gotten my facts straight, I can see the logic in what's going on. It would be a pity if I ruined an excellent opportunity at grandchildren. None of the other goddesses want to have his children—they just want to play. Lydia seems more level-headed."_

"_I think that's the wrong way to describe her. If there's as much inbreeding in Greek mythology as Comedy claims, then she's completely sane."_

_Eris folded her arms across her stomach and looked into the pool, seeing the Sanzo Party and their affiliates once more getting ready to set off on their Western trek. "Well...sane isn't quite how I'd put it...but compared to Hera in the wife-sense, then yes, she's perfectly normal..."_

_Kannon thought for a moment, then frowned. "Wait, Konran said that he can't have children. He had some sort of procedure done."_

_Despite her enormous pride, Eris snorted and suppressed an all-out cackle as she looked past the Merciful Goddess at her son in the shifting waters. "He had a 'procedure' done? Hah! He's a god. You could cut his arm off a hundred times and it will grow back the moment he dissociates into his elemental form. Oh, he can have children just fine. If he couldn't, I'd have killed him myself for ruining my plans."_

"_Ah." Kannon looked at Venus in suspicion when she glanced back and chuckled a bit madly._

"_Lydia doesn't know!" she giggled, only to be joined, surprisingly, by Eris._

"_I don't think I understand," the Merciful Goddess admitted slowly, giving the both of them an uncertain frown._

"_You'll see in nine months," the Goddess of Chaos responded with all the smugness in all the dimensions._

* * *

**(Ten Thousand Bottles of Ugly Walruses on the Wall)**

"Okay...so you're a god?" Ichigo asked slowly, staring at Yumoa in incredulity. "Both of you?" His disbelief was likely born of their unbecoming behavioral patterns. Neither really seemed like gods, did they? Though, Kon was arrogant enough every so often.

"Why do you keep asking us that?" Comedy demanded, looking up from his origami shrimp sculpture just long enough to shoot the kid an equally incredulous look. "You're a god, too. Shinigami are gods. The only one here who isn't a god is Lyds. Well...Regina is kind of a goddess, but she's also a clone. Same for Char—Solitus, I mean." He shot the Klone an irritated frown.

Solitus just rolled his eyes and stared lazily out the window, probably wondering when we would stop so he could stretch his legs. He was remarkably low-maintenance, much unlike my version one-point-oh.

The shinigami shook his head and I wondered why, after all the random, insane crap he had been through, he would find the presence of real deities so unsettling. Maybe it was because the gods I kept as company were about as godlike as hamsters. Or maybe it was because he was merely sick of all the random, insane crap he was being put through. Thankfully, Solitus remained tacit, watching the world outside in vague interest.

"This is insane," Ichigo repeated for perhaps the fifteenth time.

Yumoa chuckled. "Not quite, but Lydia is. She has the certificate to prove it, too. I found it in her underwear drawer, and had it framed. The framer man gave me funny looks, though." He returned to his shrimp and Ichigo decided that it would be better to occupy himself with the Disney movie Comedy had selected: "Bambi".

I sighed and leered at Konran out of boredom. The roads were muddy and slippery from all the rain last night, and following the Jeep meant that ninety percent of all that mud ended up on our windshield. Kon was too preoccupied with his obscured field of vision to notice my one-man staring contest. The wipers were on hyper drive, yet all I could see was a wide swatch of brown in varying levels of transparency. I had no idea how he was faring, but seeing as how we hadn't struck down any wizards, I assumed that things were going well.

It took him awhile, but he eventually noticed my scrutiny, and gave me a nervous look. "What? I hope you're not plotting against me. It's hard enough to drive through this as it is."

"Holy hell, are you slow on the uptake or what?" I sighed in disdain, turning around and facing front again. "Sweet sanity, we need to get a bed in this thing. I can't sleep in a car. My back hurts enough already."

"Are you implying that I'm at fault for your sore back?" the god questioned slowly, not sure as to whether it was an intelligent idea to even ask. My pain wasn't even because of his enthusiasm. It was just the sleeping situation on the road.

"Yes. Yes, I am. But that's just because I need to feel like I'm blaming it on someone." Kon sighed with relief, and I continued, "However, if we have to camp out, I want to sleep in here anyway. That or in a tree. I refuse to sleep on the ground."

"We can share a sleeping bag..." he suggested, earning himself my exasperated frown.

"Honestly! If you get shot, fine, but if I get shot, I bleed all over the place then die horribly. Sanzo will snap—snap, I tell you! Do you want to get me killed just because you can't keep your pants on? Do you really?"

He at least had the decency to look abashed. "You have my apologies. I can rearrange the back seats if you'd really rather not sleep on the ground. I didn't think we would be here for so long, so I didn't bring a tent."

I closed my eyes and groaned. "Damn you. Just...damn you." Defeated, I tipped over and rested my head on his shoulder. "You don't need to rearrange anything. Don't go through all that trouble. I can just tilt my seat all the way back, all right?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I've been through worse than a stiff neck." He was too sweet. I didn't have the energy to fight back with my usual standoffish irritation. Plus, I was exhausted. No, it wasn't because of him—I was just really groggy for some reason. More caffeine seemed like a good idea, but seeing the clone's arm emerge from the duffel bag to hand us things from the trunk was too weird for me to handle at the moment. Her recent obedience was simply disturbing.

Smiling a little, Kon brought an arm behind my back and massaged small circles into my tight muscles. "I'll do my best to finish this quickly. I hate getting you dragged into my family's troubles."

"Big Daddy Ares is cool, though. I wish my dad were still around. You're lucky. I screwed myself over at a very young age."

"He seems rather taken with you, so I'm sure my father will be around—though I must request that you don't make him move in with us or anything. I'm not really in good standing with Hera, and she'd be angry if I started bringing gods over to live on earth."

"You used to be a real bastard. Why're you so...good now?" I tilted my head up to give him a quizzical stare, and he shrugged a little.

"I have you, and I never really got any meaningful pleasure from what my aunt forced me to do. When Hera got rid of me, I became even more unstable, and that was when Order began taking advantage of my weakened state. You were my only hope—you _are _my only hope for redemption, at least in my own mind."

"Huh..."

He glanced at me, then back at the road. "Was that a good 'huh' or a bad one?"

"I dunno," I yawned, huddling against his arm and staring out the windscreen. "I'm so bored right now. Let's play some music or something."

"Um...that's a no-go. Yumoa destroyed the stereo after blasting the Lion King soundtrack at maximum volume." He grimaced a little.

"Damn. Comedy! Sing a song and make it a good one!"

"_ONE THOUSAND JARS OF MARMITE ON THE WALL, ONE THOUSAND JARS OF MARMI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ITE...!"_

"No! Something else!" Kon and I shouted simultaneously. Asking him to sing was about the same as turning on the radio: it began immediately and the music often sucked.

"**ONE BILLION TUBES OF OINTMENT ON THE WALL, ONE BILLION...!**

"Something else!" I cried, sitting up and trying to make him change to a different song via a bizarre combination of sign language and pitcher code—both of which were unknown to me. For all I knew, I was expressing my thanks and adoration of curve-balls.

"Lydia, what have you done?!" Chaos demanded in a panic.

"_**I'VE GOT AN UGLY BUNCH OF WALRUSES—DEEDLY-DEEDLY—THERE THEY ARE ALL FLOPPING IN A ROW...!"**_

I gave up. Kon shot me a desperate look, and I mouthed an apology to him. When his mood didn't improve, and when Ichigo started crying out in auditory pain, I wadded up some tissue into little balls and reached over to Kon, plugging his ears, then mine, then handing some back for Ichigo and the unaffected Solitus to do the same.

_This is absurd,_ REASON grumbled. _How many times are you going to do that before you learn better?_

I ignored the voice, and seeing Kon's obvious discomfort, I leaned over, removed the closest earplug, and said apologetically, "I'll make it up to you later." Then I replaced the plug, and when he turned to give me a confused frown, I kissed his lips softly. "Later," I mouthed when I drew away.

He was smiling after that. I was liking my newfound power.

* * *

_**(Aerial Observation)**_

"_I'm hearing strange sounds coming from Konran's car," Zakuro muttered, squinting down below at the silver and brown Land Rover._

_Kougaiji followed his gaze, then close his eyes briefly. "I don't think any words are adequate enough to describe how frightening Yumoa's singing voice really is. I do not envy the occupants of that vehicle."_

"_That poor, orange-headed boy..."_

_Kou nodded soberly. "He may never be the same again..." Sighing in exasperation with the company he kept, and trying not to let Zakuro's presence irritate him __**too **__much, the Prince glanced around the skies, seeing little more than fluffy white cumulus clouds floating above to lessen the sun's intensity. There was nothing particularly interesting, other than watching the Sanzo party and Konran's group braving treacherous back roads while he zipped along over them in relative safety._

_It wasn't often that he felt such a smug sensation, but it pleased him to know that those people who caused the most trouble in his life were suffering instead of him, for a change._

_However..._

"_Lord Kougaiji, this may sound odd, but I think we're being followed," the hallucinogenic youkai behind him muttered under his breath. "I can sense them behind us."_

_The Prince had felt it, too, and nodded the slightest. But who was it? There was no malice in what he sensed, so what exactly was their stalker's intentions?_

"_As long as they don't do anything, pretend you don't know they're there," he replied quietly. "If we're lucky, they'll make themselves known in due time."_

_Zakuro was uncomfortable with being stalked—he had once thought it would be magnificent to have adoring fans following him around, but this was just plain creepy. He frowned a little, but said anyway, "I'll take your word for it, then."_

* * *

**(Five Days Hence—Stir Crazy) **_(A/N: I lost my mind briefly in this chapter. It happened the moment I typed the word "ninja" without stopping to think...I have no excuse for my brain. I apologize on its behalf... _-.-;_)_

There are few things in life more grueling than a road trip. I knew this because at the age of five I had spent several weeks traveling the forty-eight contiguous United States in my biological parents' tiny station wagon with two older siblings in the back seat. Cheap motels and lame roadside attractions were bad enough, but the worst was dealing with my brother and sister. As the youngest, I had been stuck between them in that pathetic excuse for a middle seat, and was forced to deal with the bickering of the Higher Powers for hours on end. My parents were too tired most of the time to keep them from picking on me, and my siblings were too hyper to stop.

As I think about it, it's entirely possible that this was the real reason behind why I had killed them all. Considering my behavioral quirks, it doesn't seem far off in the least. Sigh. No wonder I spent two years in an asylum...then two more after my gang fell apart.

Then there was the last time I came here to Togenkyo. Admittedly, it hadn't been nearly as bad as that family trip back in the day—mostly because I had a soft spot for the two bickerers in the back seat. But considering the conspicuous circumstances under which I had "happened" to become caught up in a small portion of their journey west, it still was no peach. My lovable bastard of a then-despised now-betrothed Chaos God had been a seriously twisted pain in the ass.

And now it was The Road Trip Saga: Part Three—possibly the worst chronicle yet. In this world, it seemed that there was no gas requirement for vehicles, so we could drive for hours and hours until nightfall. As with the language confusion, REASON had decided to start thinking about Speedos every time I wondered why we never stopped for fuel. This eventually resulted in an aversion to European swim-wear, as well as a fear of Chinese verb conjugations and internal combustion engines.

The mileage was a good thing in many ways—we saved a crap-load of money, for one—but the human body wasn't built to withstand this kind of abuse. Sure, our suspension was ten million times better than the Jeep's, but that didn't mean anything when my problem's source was based primarily on time. I was already insane. Cabin fever would not help the situation in the slightest.

I stared dazedly at the campfire, wondering when the crick in my neck from living out of a car would go away. Kon had shut up about sleeping on the ground for once. "Look! Just put a few layers of blankets and it's fine!" he had said just the other night, frustrated with my pigheadedness and the fact that my discomfort meant he wasn't getting any loving. He should have been used to being left in the cold, but it seemed that spoiling him for those first few days had given him the ridiculous notion that I couldn't resist his charms.

That idiot. That stupid god. He didn't have to worry about poison dart frogs or gila monsters or Komodo dragons, for sanity's sake! He was immortal! What did he know about fearing for his life?! Like hell I was sleeping out in the open where the ninjas could get me!

My eyes narrowed. Even now, the ninjas waited in the forest.

The fight over the remaining food became yet another sound a natural as the rustling of tree branches in the wind. The gunshots became the chattering of birds in the trees. Hakkai's attempts to pacify were like the crackling of the flames before me. Kougaiji's fruitless search for peace and quiet was yet another figment of my imagination.

The only reality was the ninjas. Yes, the ninjas.

The crunch of a twig sounded to my left, and I snapped.

"Have at ye, ninja scum!" I cried vengefully, whipping Ryushi out of the spine sheath in a flash and slashing it around like lightning.

"Augh!"

_**WHOOSHHHH!**_

At the last moment, my eyes caught a rush of darkness scattering around my blade, and less than a second later, Konran reformed in front of me, looking more than a little startled.

"What the hell was that for?!" he demanded, having an unprovoked spaz attack. His eyes glowed a brighter phosphorescent blue-green in the twilight, an indicator that he was either on full alert or seriously desperate for sex—probably both, knowing him.

I frowned, then sighed, sheathing the sword and propping my head on a hand. "Oh. You. Damn, I was sure I'd caught a ninja."

"Nin...ja?" He gave me that special look—the one the doctors usually gave me when I calmly tried to explain to them that there were people in my head arguing over what to watch during prime time, or the one regular people gave me when I told them about the real reason why I had vanished for several months without warning.

"What? Look, they're out there! I'm sure of it!" I defended, turning to glare into the dark trees. Ninjas...treacherous creatures...even now, they were sharpening their claws for when they disemboweled me.

Konran followed my gaze, then became distracted when Sanzo grabbed a frying pain and attempted to murder Gojyo with it. "Honestly...those guys..." He realized his tangent, however, and returned to my mutant cannibal-ninja issues, sitting down beside me with a sigh. "Princess, there are no ninjas. Granted, there are a hell of a lot of strange things going on in this dimension, but I'm pretty sure that ninjas are the least of your worries."

"You never see the ninjas until you're lying in a pool of your own blood," I muttered darkly, leering around in suspicion of every shadow.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that you're more dangerous to me than any ninja could ever be. Statistically, one is more likely to be killed by a loved one than by a complete stranger." He frowned at me, seemingly thinking hard on his words and trying to calculate his chances of survival. It must have come up as a draw, because he didn't run away.

"Say that again when they come in the dead of night and leave candy in your pockets!" I shot back, irritated that he was so hung up on my violent quirks.

He blinked. "Why are you afraid of ninja candy? ...And why do I find that phrase so disturbing in so many ways?" He blinked again, then closed his eyes and willed his imagination to silence.

"I don't like being violated. My pockets are like my bedroom. I don't want people going through my room, leaving things in there at random." Sure, things got misplaced...but what if ninjas were the culprit? What if all of my lost belongings—my missing socks, CDs and books—had all been the result of invisible ninjas born in laboratories and who fed on the flesh of their own?

It was a scary thought.

"Clearly, this trip is taking its toll on you," Kon muttered in exasperation. He wrapped an arm around me and sighed. "Hakkai says that we'll be at a town in a day or so, if weather permits. Then we can get a hotel room and you'll be as comfortable as you desire. Please try and keep it together. For me?"

I gave him an evil look. "You must be smoking something pretty special if you think all that sappy 'for me?' crap is gonna negate my brain's inability to cope with discomfort. Hell, I lose it when the grocery store runs out of Neapolitan ice cream."

"Fine! Then let's go watch a movie. You've already eaten, anyway, and I made you take your medication. Why the hell else would we bring all that nonsense, if not for your convenience?" Chaos took my hand and forced me to my feet. "The problem is that you insist on sleeping alone, I think. At the very least, let me keep you comfortable. You get cold so easily when your blood sugar is acting up, and you're used to having me with you to keep your temperature up."

"That's just stupid," I argued, still adamantly clinging to my irrational belief that the ninjas were to blame for everything...my ineptitude in geometry, my PMS cramps, my diabetes, my chronic dry-eye...

"Princess, leave the ninjas alone," he muttered, somehow hearing or sensing my thoughts the way I could sometimes hear him in my head when he was under too much stress—lately, I had been getting a lot of frustration out of him. "They're not stealing your socks or hiding the keys and TV remotes, all right? It's all in your head, like the time you were sure Bigfoot had come over to borrow a cup of sugar."

"How the hell was I supposed to know that we had a really hairy neighbor?!" I demanded. "I was on the night shift, thanks to your mooching! I was delirious from sleep-deprivation!"

He gave me an apologetic look. "Right. Sorry. Now, come on. I had Comedy run over to our realm the other day and buy that new hideously violent horror movie you've been nagging me about, so we can watch that in the car."

Lured by the prospect of blood and guts, I grudgingly accepted, and trudged alongside him to the car. I knew he was probably right, but it was still so bizarre to have someone fawning over me as though I were a helpless child. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it would take some getting used to.

Ugh, my life was so screwed up.

* * *

_**(Maps Suck)**_

_Gojyo was accustomed to feeling some level of exasperation with his best friend, but this was just too much. In retrospect, he realized that this had probably happened many times in the past, but he hadn't felt like questioning the navigator's decisions at the time. Now, however, there was more at stake than the amount of time they spent on the road._

_How were they supposed to survive when that stupid chimp was eating them into the red? In less than twelve hours—if left unchecked, of course—Goku would finish the remaining food supply and they'd have to forage in the wilderness for something to eat._

_The kappa had no intention of being around Sanzo on an empty stomach. None whatsoever. He was likely to pull a Lydia and end up cannibalizing someone—most likely Gojyo himself._

_But here they were anyway, at critical mass and lost in the middle of nowhere with no backup plan or emergency food supply._

_Hakkai looked up from the map and laughed sheepishly, glancing between the water sprite and the irritated monk as they utilized the impressive power of nicotine to keep from attacking him. "I'm truly sorry. It's just that the common roads were all on low ground, and with the heavy rains, the innkeeper had said that there was a high probability of flash flooding."_

"_So you just picked the first unmarked road you saw and decided that we'd be better off lost in the woods?" Sanzo demanded incredulously. "Why the fuck didn't you tell someone?!"_

"_Well, you were asleep, and Gojyo was trying to keep Harry company, so..." he trailed off at the poisonous glare which only the corrupt monk seemed capable of producing. _

_Sanzo was vaguely aware that he had explicitly described the brutal and inconceivable death of whoever roused him from sleep, but was too arrogant and pissed-off to recognize that as a valid reason for keeping him uninformed. In response, he glared amethyst daggers at his two companions, daring them to bring it up._

"_So where the hell are we?" Gojyo asked, trying to avoid bloodshed if at all possible._

_Slightly abashed, the monocle-clad ex-human sighed and reexamined the map, tracing routes from the town they had left behind and murmuring under his breath. After several moments, he tapped a spot and folded the paper to show the other two. "I believe we are here. Judging by our average speed and the various side roads we had taken, this looks about right."_

_Gojyo squinted at the paper, then at Hakkai. "Dammit, 'Kai, that's a hiking trail through the mountains! Aren't there laws or something against driving on pedestrian trails?"_

"_Hmm...oh! You're right! Oh, my. I hadn't seen that—the words are so tiny."_

_Sanzo fought the instinctive desire to shoot the irritant. "Hakkai...why are you an idiot? Whatever happened to you being one of the smart ones?"_

"_Now, now. Don't be rude. It was an honest mistake. Besides, now that I have a general idea of where we are, it will be easier to find our way back to the right road." He refolded the map with care and smiled. "I'm just as eager to reach a hotel with real accommodations as everyone else is."_

"_Your lack of urgency inspires no confidence at all," the priest growled, before stalking off to find a nice patch of grass to sleep on._

"_Ah, well, that's to be expected, I suppose..." He looked at Gojyo, who sighed and put on a brave face._

"_I trust you, but seriously. We need seat belts and you need to work on getting us to where we need to be. Anyway, if we want to make up for lost time, we should head out early, so I'm calling it an early night."_

"_Good night, then."_

_Gojyo flashed a grin, then headed off towards the campfire's sphere of light to claim a patch of ground and lay out a sleeping mat._

_For some time, Hakkai stayed behind and went repeatedly over the map, wondering how they could possibly have gone so far off-course in so little time. He hadn't mentioned it to the others, naturally, but as the navvy, it was his responsibility to keep things in schedule. The only explanation he could come up with was Loki's influence, and he wanted to ask Konran about it, but the god had already taken Lydia away to lift the tired girl's spirits._

_Undoubtedly, it was more prudent not to interrupt the god's attempts to keep hi__s__ fiancée__happy. There was no telling what was going on in their car._

_Yumoa, however, was still awake and puttering around, keeping track of Harry, Ichigo, and the clones for his cousin. Zakuro was there, as well, though the depressed illusionist didn't really require any supervision._

"_Well, it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" the emerald-eyed youkai chuckled to himself, tucking the map under an arm and heading over to where the God of Comedy was keeping his charges_.

* * *

_**(Water from Glass)**_

"_Yumoa, I was wondering if you could help me figure something out." Hakkai approached and Comedy paused in the middle of a debriefing. Seeing his chance, Harry scrambled away, tripping over his dropped trousers and falling unceremoniously into a drainage ditch. Hakkai tried to keep a straight face as Solitus helped the poor boy out of the dirty water._

"_What's the question? I can't guarantee coherent logic, but I assure you that it'll be entertaining." Yumoa grinned proudly, oblivious to the wizard's trauma and everyone else's general exasperation towards his bizarrely literal interpretation of military jargon._

"_I see...well, it's about Loki, actually..."_

_The god's face fell in an instant. "What? Daddy? Did he do something bad again? Did he steal all the left shoes in Albuquerque? Because that's my plan, and it's not fair of him to ruin my aspirations of world domination."_

_He decided not to address that statement. "Well, I was more wondering if he's capable of manipulating people without their knowledge. You see, we were supposed to be taking a detour around the..." Hakkai paused, seeing that Comedy was still muttering unintelligibly under his breath. "Yumoa, are you all right?"_

"_Wahhhh! Daddy's gonna ruin my happiness!" He burst into a flood of tears to make the Mississippi seem like a leaky tap, much to the ex-human's shock._

"_Oh! Er, well, I'm sure he would never do that intentionally. It's probably something completely different..."_

"_But I want mashed potatoes!" cried the god._

"_...I don't...It'll be fine. We'll reach a town and then you can have all the mashed—"_

"_PO-TAY-TOHS!! And pancakes! Why doesn't daddy ever come to my football games?!" It seemed that Yumoa had abruptly switched from despair to intense rage, and Hakkai, like any sane being, was left floundering in the pit of incomprehension._

"_Maybe your father's too busy making us drive around in circles!" the navigator suggested in a rush, trying desperately to get a coherent answer from the ridiculous god._

_Silence...then:_

"_Nah, he's not that boring," Comedy replied with a casual gesture. "You probably missed a sign somewhere." He smiled brightly. "Is that all?"_

_Slightly dazed, Hakkai could only nod, as though he'd just been informed of his three-dollar lottery winnings—happiness, yet...he still felt that something was terribly wrong with the world._

"_Glad I could be of service!" Oblivious as usual, the god turned around as though Hakkai's brief brush with Ulitimate (2) Madness had never occurred, and resumed attacking Harry's pants in search of foreign spies trying to steal his battle plans._

_After a moment to contemplate his life choices, Hakkai decided that there were worse fates out there, and headed back to the Jeep to unload and let Hakuryu rest a bit. The little dragon changed into his normal form and alighted on his masters hand, eyeing the group's caretaker in worry. With a faint smile, Hakkai patted the dragon's head and said gently, "I'm fine. Really. Now, let's go get some rest. We're going to have to backtrack a bit tomorrow, but after that we should be okay."_

_Hakuryu wasn't convinced. "Kyuu?"_

_Hakkai laughed a little. "I said don't worry. We'll manage somehow, all right?"_

"_Kyuu." There was no point in arguing, and since he didn't think the two people following them were much of a threat, he fell asleep peacefully on top of the blanket._

* * *

**(Horror—MATURE, but very funny) **(A/N: Because I'm dying inside and I need the morale boost.)

"I thought you said this was a scary movie," Kon muttered in confusion, squinting at the little LCD screen. "This looks more like pornography."

I fidgeted a little. "Well, the ads kept saying it was really violent, so...look, I'm sorry, okay?!"

"I don't mind—I've done worse—but it is a bit surprising. Wow, movies are getting edgier and edgier, aren't they? And to think poor Ovid was exiled for much more innocent thoughts." He shook his head with a disdainful sigh, then looked down at me, smirking.

"What?!" I demanded.

"Nothing. I just like your face when you're embarrassed." He smiled, and I restrained my fist when it tried to fly out and smash his nose in. "You're still so innocent."

Irritated, I glared at the screen, then blanched and looked away. This was the last time I allowed underhanded advertising to seduce me! "Shut up. You're being ridiculous." The stupid movie was making my head fuzzy.

"Innocent little Princess..." Gently, he tugged me closer and pressed his lips to my temple. "I think I want to ruin you."

"I'll beat you until you're the consistency of yogurt," I threatened, shooting him an icy glare despite the tingling in the base of my spine. "Even your little dissolving trick won't save you."

Kon chuckled and I shuddered when his fingers slid under my shirt to squeeze my bare waist. "Beat me, then, sweetheart."

The movie wasn't helping me one bit, and in less time than it took to sneeze, I was naked and he was working his magic.

"You opportunistic bastard," I panted against his shirt, straddled across his lap and trying to keep my brain from short-circuiting. "I'm missing the...the movie. You tricked me...'cause you were desperate."

"Oh, you're enjoying it," he laughed, lifting my chin and kissing my throat as he gripped my thighs and rode deeper.

"Ass-hat!" I yelped. A shock snapped up my spine and my hands fisted in his hair, yanking him down to my level. "Damn it all, you're incorrigible." Why did it have to feel so good? There was nothing I could do to resist this kind of pleasure.

"I love you," he whispered, brushing his lips against mine and melting me from the inside out.

"Then why aren't you naked, too?" I breathed, nuzzling his throat and arching against him. "It feels better when you're not wearing anything."

His crystalline eyes gave me a cheeky smile. "Say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what. Say it and I'll give you whatever you want."

"I want a Bugatti Veyron **(see end notes) **...and you naked. Preferably on the car."

The smiled faltered. "That's a bizarre request, coming from you. You realize that those cars are worth about one-and-a-half million dollars, right?"

"I'm assuming that gods are a bit more resourceful than you've been letting on...and I _adore,_ you, Chaos." I grinned and kissed him so hard he shuddered, and by the magic of his dissolving capabilities, he was instantly naked. It felt so good to have so much of his skin pressed to mine. "Good boy. Here's your reward," I whispered.

"Ahh! Lydia?!"

"That's gonna leave a mark." I studied the imprint of my teeth on his shoulder as they welled up with scarlet drops. "Heh-heh..."

"You little minx!" With a wild laugh he flipped me onto my back, and in no time at all he had me moaning his name with every thrust.

It was sublime to know how important to me he had become in just two years. He had been my enemy in the beginning—someone I would have killed without hesitation. Not long after, he was my roommate and an incessant burden on my limited resources. We were friends, though. A quiet part of me had always thought of him as someone on whom I could rely in a pinch, a permanent existence in my life who would never abandon me.

He wasn't Rafe. I had loved Rafe with my whole heart. Rafe had been my mentor and my savior...but in the end, he hadn't been able to stay by my side. He hadn't been permanent in the least.

It was just like me to be so selfish that nothing short of a god could measure up to my standards.

"Lydia...you're crying..." Kon paused, breathing hard, but still frowning in worry. "Did I hurt you?"

I smiled, tightening my arms around his neck and kissing his forehead. "I love you, Chaos. Harder, please."

The frown softened to an exasperated smirk, and he slipped slowly back inside, further and further until my heart pounded in my ears, until he couldn't press any deeper. "Like this?" he whispered gently.

"Y-yes..."

It seemed he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, and less than a minute later I was crying his name, clawing up the silky skin of his back as the climax shoved me into a world of pulsating light and ecstasy. Despite my writhing, he pinned me down, moaning until he had filled me to the edge of madness with his scalding heat, before collapsing on top of me and laughing until we were both in hysterics.

"What am I going to do with you?!" he demanded, gasping for air thanks to his laughter and exertion. "First you shun me and then you give me everything, and then you shun me some more, and then you give me some more...you're going to drive me mad, you know."

"My new goal is to ruin you before you can ruin me," I responded lightly, combing my fingers through his hair and enjoying the sensation of just holding him tight. "Dammit, I almost forgot how much fun you can be..."

"I'm glad we still haven't lost our spark," he teased.

"I still want that car, though. And once I get it, the first thing I'll have you do is model naked on the hood."

His face fell. "Why?!"

"Because it sounds funny."

"_**AUGH! OH, MY GOD! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! MOMMY!"**_

He rolled his eyes, then suddenly pulled me up and sat me in his lap, both of us facing the DVD screen. "Looks like the horror bits have started. Though, considering where your thoughts were wandering, I'm not disappointed in the least."

"I'll have you naked on that car if it's the last thing I do, Konran."

"Fine. Whatever you want. Your wish is my command."

"_**EEEEEEEEK! NO, DON'T HURT HIM! PLEASE!"**_

"Anything I want? You sure?" I turned from the gorefest to look up at him questioningly.

"Anything. Ask and it's yours."

"_**NOOOO! MY ARM! YOU BASTARD! MY AAAAARM!!"**_

"Cool. Then let's do it again."

His face gave the impression that I had just broken some sort of taboo. "Princess...they're screaming..."

"_**PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEEE!! GHRARGH!!" **_

"So?" I wiggled in his lap, and he gasped, instantly ready to do my bidding. "See? You're still in tip-top shape. Now lie down. I call tops." Without waiting for his response, and ignoring the tortured, bloodcurdling cries of the murder victims in the movie, I shoved him down and took my time enjoying him. He didn't argue, which I took as consent.

Thanks to him, I didn't get much sleep, and was incredibly sore once I was finished...but I wasn't the only one. Unfortunately for the god, slasher films turned me on, so even he was hurting afterwards.

Sweet sanity, I was screwed up in the head. At least Kon had no complaints. He was such a unique find that I vowed never to let him slip away.

* * *

_**(Spirited Away)**_

_At last, Lydia was out, and the exhausted Chaos breathed a sigh of relief. He couldn't seem to figure her out. The slightest little thing could put her off so completely that he felt as though he had been thrown aside, yet without warning she could return like nothing was wrong. And to think the seemingly naïve girl had been suppressing a real demon in the bed all this time...He smiled at her sleeping face. For Lydia's sake, they'd reclined the back seats as far as they would go after stacking most of the supplies behind the car, so it was fairly comfortable, but after so much exercise so suddenly, he felt more than a little stiff. He had been reining in his libido for so long, waiting for her to notice him, that his body was somewhat atrophied. _

"_Princess, I'm going to step out and stretch my legs," he whispered softly, brushing a long lock of raven hair behind her shoulder and laying a kiss on her cheek. "I'll only be a few minutes."_

_She stirred, then huddled up in the blankets, resting a hand on his waist almost as though it were an accident. "Don't...take too...long," she sleep-murmured, her subconscious still mostly coherent._

_He stroked her jawline with a fingertip and chuckled, "Not a moment longer than necessary. I love you."_

"_I love...you...too."_

_Ah, those words made him want to dance every time she said them._

_Thanks to his ability to reduce down to particles the size of coal dust, he easily slipped out of the car without a sound and reformed on the other side of the door in just a pair of black jeans. Humming to himself, Kon checked to make sure everything was in order for when they had to leave in the morning, then went to get something to drink from the cooler before he went back to sleep. His back was killing him, but it was nothing a few stretches and a bit of walking couldn't take care of._

_However, when he reached the campfire where the drinks were, he came upon Sanzo, still awake and sipping a beer with an unlit cigarette in hand. The robe was neatly folded on the sleeping mat behind him, and he wore just the leathers and a pair of faded jeans with his boots._

_Odd. "Sanzo? What're you doing still up?"_

_The monk opened one amethyst eye, then closed it again and swallowed another draught, before placing the Marlboro between his lips and lighting up. It took a couple of drags before he replied flatly, "You and the Stray are noisy. I'm seriously going to kill you if you don't cut that disturbing shit out. And wear some clothes! Don't you feel cold?!"_

_Chaos shrugged sheepishly, trying to calculate exactly who could have heard them through the car's exterior—oh, no, if Gojyo heard..._

_He shoved the possibility away and tried to think happy thoughts._

"_Gods aren't as fragile as humans are...though I suppose that means you're not as fragile as the average human, either, huh?" he muttered under his breath._

_Sanzo glared coldly. "Why don't you ever make sense?"_

"_Ah, I must have caught Lydia's contagion. Watch yourself or it'll infect you, too." Chaos shot the priest a wry smirk, to which he responded with a noncommittal grunt. "Oh, whatever," sighed the god, seeing no point in arguing. Wincing at the pain in his shoulders and thighs, Konran crouched in front of the cooler and popped it open, fishing through the shadowy interior before finding the can of persimmon juice he so sought and closing the lid. He sat down with a groan._

"_Do you have any kind of plan for when we find Loki or are you just winging it?" Sanzo growled, somehow offended by the fact that the God had chosen to sit not three feet away on the other end of **his **log._

_Kon sighed, cracking open the can and taking a sip. "Well, knowing you, it'll probably piss you off, but my first intention is to reason with him. He's still my uncle, and he's not really a bad guy. He just has a bad habit of taking his pranks a little too far. Plus, the last thing I need is Comedy's wrath. Seriously. You think Hakkai's scary?" He shook his head and shuddered. "I'd be frightened to death if Comedy were on the warpath. There is no greater enemy than an idiot who doesn't understand that he's an idiot, so to Jhonen."_

"_Who's Jhonen?" The monk couldn't help but feel confused._

"_A philosopher." Kon smirked. "At any rate, there are other things we can do: sealing, deportation, et cetera... We'll get rid of Loki somehow."_

_Sanzo finished off his beer and crushed the can in one hand, before tossing it into the fire, where it hissed and lit up in pretty blue and green flames. "As long as he goes away, I really don't give a damn how it's done. I'm just sick of you and your people invading my world like it's the latest theme park attraction. It's holding up our journey." He puffed on his smoke for a bit, brooding._

_The god agreed, but didn't say anything. He just drank his juice in silence. Besides, it wasn't an apology or reassurance that the monk wanted. The only thing that would please Sanzo was a swift end to all of this—and the guarantee that he would never see any of them ever again._

"_CUT OFF THE HEAD, AND THE BODY WILL FOLLOW." (3)_

_Kon flinched in surprise and looked over at the priest, but Sanzo was looking at him with the same baffled—albeit more annoyed—expression on his face._

"_Did you just...?" they asked at the same instant._

_**FWISHH!!**_

_But before either could respond, both were gone._

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

**(1) **_"You fish on your side, I'll fish on my side, and no one will fish in the middle." The American Indian name for some lake. It has absolutely nothing to do with this chapter. I just love the name._

**(2) **_Ulitimate is spelled that way on purpose. Pronounced "yoo-LIT-ih-mitt". The definition of this word I made up can be found on my profile page._

**(3) **_There's an old military adage about an army being a snake, that if you cut off the head (i.e., remove the leadership), the rest will die, no matter how powerful._

_**(Bugatti Veyron) **Price: 1.6 million US dollars (300 to be produced--more if I'm lucky...) _

_Stats (for laymen): 8-liter 16-cylinder engine w/ 4 turbochargers (AKA 8.0L quad-turbocharged W16 engine), 10 radiators, 1001 metric horespower (advertised), hydraulic lifts and bodywork which adjust the body and spoiler and wings at speeds greater than 137MPH for maximum stability (ground clearance goes from 4.9in to 2.6in.)_

_Weight: 4,160 lb (1,888 kg or OVER TWO TONS)_

_0-60MPH in 2.46 seconds (with two TONS?!)_

_AVG Top Speed: 408KPH/253MPH (About one-third the speed of sound)_ **(WITH TWO FREAKING TONS!!)**

_The most marvelous thing, however, is that this car comes with all the luxuries of your favorite high-end sedan. AC, power everything, etc.--it's not stripped-down like most supercars, and what's more it's perfectly fine with going at top speed. None of that rattling and shaking you get in a Ferrari or Porsche. For more, check out the YouTube video clip of the **Top Gear** episode where **Captain Slow** (AKA James May) tries the** Bugatti Veyron** on Volkswagen's test track. (Those key words in bold should work to find it, as well as other awesome clips of that beautiful car...yes, I'm nerding out like you wouldn't BELIEVE.)_

_(Now for the real A/N...)_

_(evil laughter) It's shorter than what I've been writing lately, but I figure you people get exhausted when I ramble on like that. So...what happened to Sanzo and Kon? And what's so special about the eight pictures I'm so diligently drawing? Well, if you review, then I might be nice enough to tell you. (grin...pout) Seriously. I really want to know what everyone's thinking of the story so far, because I feel physically ill every time I read the last few chapters, and I wonder of you all feel the same...(dies a little inside) ESPECIALLY the little discussion between Eris and Kannon...where should I go with that, I wonder...?_

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	27. Panic: The Headless Snake

**The Sequel: Chapter XXVII (Current Mood: Provolone)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_I haven't slept in 37 hours. Summer break is even more stressful than school, for sme reason. Work sucks. I almost decided to drop off the face of FFNet during the creation of this chapter. I've got no inspiration, and the J-dramas are sucking me into their bizarre, terrifying world. HELP!!!!_

_By the way, one of the ideas in this chapter hit me so hard that I nearly died of banana bread. Bread and brainstorming is dangerous, folks. Try and guess which one. (It should be obvious, however. It's always obvious when I lose it completely.)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day: **"Suckas better run faster than I can DRIVE!"—one of y'all's friends said this, and I thought it would be beneficial to the human race if I shared. Seriously. **Beneficial.**_

"_The very existence of the flamethrower is proof that, at some point, someone said, 'I want to set those people on fire, but they are too far away for me to do it.'"—anonymous_

"_Love is a serious mental disease."—Plato_

* * *

_**Panic: The Headless Snake**_

_**(The Dysfunctional Dynamic Duo—Hinamizawa)**_

_Sanzo wasn't sure what was happening, but he was sure that he was about five seconds from murdering a child, and even he felt disturbed by the thought._

"_What the __**fuck **__is going on here?!" he hissed to Konran out of the kids' hearing._

"_Pretty lady, pretty lady!" "Wanna have a tea party?" "Let's play House! You get to be sick and I'll yell at you a lot!"_

_Kon suppressed a smirk. "Well, er...we seem to be at a festival."_

"_I'm not asking about the obvious!" the priest snapped, losing it briefly and grabbing the god by his shoulders to shake him. A nearby vendor gave the two an odd look, almost certain that they hadn't been there a moment before. Perhaps it was time to cut back on the sake..._

_At the moment Sanzo snapped at the god, it became obvious where the children's loyalties lied. Like a wall of tiny people in training pants, they converged on the monk, yelling at him to leave their friend alone. _

"_I'll kill you!" Sanzo shouted to Kon, suffocating under a mountain of living pot roasts and ripe diapers who would have none of this "killing" thing._

"_Right. Okay, kids! It's all right. He won't hurt me. Could you just give us a few moments to talk?" Chaos smiled and the children paused to look at each other. One of them was sucking on an edge of Sanzo's robe and giggling while doting mothers looked on and smiled._

_After some pleading and a promise to play tag later on, Konran finally convinced the kids to go off and return to whatever it was they had been doing before the monk and the god had suddenly appeared in their domain._

"_Well?" Sanzo growled coldly, making it more than apparent that the rope holding his rage in check was about three fibers away from breaking point. He was the kind of person who found so many things irritating that, if someone were to ask him to list all of his irritants, he would most likely shoot the bastard dead just check off about ten of them. Unfortunately for Kon, he occupied over three hundred different places on that list. His death would probably go a long way to keep the monk happy, but considering how the god was the only person who could fix this predicament, Sanzo was forced to use a bit more restraint than he would have liked._

_Chaos sighed and got up, motioning for the priest to follow him over to the stone steps leading up to the local god's shrine so that they could discuss things, "We've basically been slam-shifted out of your dimension and into a neighboring one. I have no idea how, but Loki seems unusually capable for a non-god, so it's not beyond my imagination."_

_Sanzo hadn't felt any sort of movement during the shift, and voiced that observation with several expletives peppered throughout to convey his annoyance towards the entire universe._

"_Look, getting pissed at me isn't going to help us out of here! Loki is the Trickster, for Hera's sake! He's got so many traps and strategies that it would make General Sherman _(1)_ cry with envy!"_

"_I don't know who you're talking about, but I like it better when I can blame someone nearby for the shit I have to go through for no goddamn reason. Hurry up and do something to make it better."_

_There was really no point in trying to reason with the priest. Kon knew this, but it left a bad feeling in his gut, as though leaving Sanzo in this state would result in some sort of horrifying calamity._

"_Hey, what's with that getup?"_

_Sanzo twitched, and slowly turned to glare into the bright green eyes of a girl with long, equally bright green hair tied back in a ponytail. Beside her stood another one of her, with her hair down._

_Twins. Twins with green hair._

_Right._

"_I've never seen you two before," piped in another girl in a white hat and dress._

"_Don't you get tourists for the Watanagashi festival?" a young man wearing a red vest and the look of a recent implant into this town asked the aforementioned girls._

"_Sometimes, but it's mostly a big deal for just us Hinamizawans," a tiny blonde girl responded._

_Annoyed, the monk shot a deadly "you take care of this or else" glare at Konran, then stalked off in a huff._

_There was nothing to help it. Sanzo was pretty much guaranteed to be hassled by the locals if he was wearing his monk robe. _

_The abandoned god put on his brave face and turned back to the kids. "Well...we just ended up here somehow..." He paused and spotted a glowing, ephemeral shape behind the group. It was a little girl in an old-fashioned kimono—or the spirit of one, at least. The others didn't seem to realize her presence._

"_Well, you wandered here at the right time!" chuckled the first green-haired girl. "I'm Sonozaki Mion. This is my younger twin sister Shion, the one with the hat is Rena, this little one here is Satoko, and the loser is Keiichi."_

"_Loser?! You wanna battle?!" rejoined the only boy. "We'll settle this at the goldfish stand! If I beat you, you have to wear the maid outfit I wore last time! With the ears!"_

"_Bring it on, Kei-chan! I'll send you home crying!"_

"_Calm down," Rena said gently. She turned to Kon, who tried to focus despite half of his attention being redirected towards the invisible girl, and the other half being asssaulted by an image of Keiichi in a maid dress. This was, most certainly, a place based upon conventional anime rules. "If you'd like, we can show you around. You may as well enjoy the festival while you're here."_

"_Uhh...okay?" Something was definitely strange. That little spirit was staring at him, clearly shocked that he could see her—or maybe this was her natural state...but that was unlikely. "I'm Kon. The other guy is Sanzo. I'll go retrieve him first. It would be nice to get something to eat, too..." He wasn't hungry—gods never felt hunger—but food did wonders to comfort him in times of great stress. In fact, during his two-year imprisonment in the realm of Lawn Furniture, The Cheesecake Factory had made a healthy little sum off of him._

_Ah, their cheescake made all the pain go away. It was better than Vicodin could ever hope to be._

"_Great! We'll show you the best Chinese food in all of Japan!" exulted the little blonde Satoko. "Shion and Mion are rich, so they can treat!"_

"_Hey, don't just start giving our money away!" Mion bristled._

"_Oh, it should be fine. I'll use my hard-earned money if it bothers you," proposed the younger twin, grinning brightly._

"_Well...I guess it's not a bad idea..." her sister acceded after a thought._

_Kon forced a smile. "Thanks. I'll go grab Sanzo then," he said, motioning for them to wait a moment as he turned and went after the irate monk._

_He needed a large mirror to transport Sanzo back, as well as the right timing. It would still be a few hours before the planes shifted into realignment again, so there was nothing else to do, anyway._

_Besides, that invisible girl was giving him the creeps. There was something unique about this place, but he wasn't sure what it was—and it wasn't something good, either..._

* * *

**(Absence and Mistaken Identity)**

It was cold. That usually meant something, but I was so groggy that I couldn't yet pinpoint what the cause of my apprehension was. I just knew that I was cold, and that I wasn't supposed to be.

Squinting against the brilliant silver shine of the waxing gibbous moon high above as it poured through the car's window, I forced myself to sit up, and winced at the dull ache in my muscles.

"Ugh...dammit, Kon..." I sighed. "Stop me before I kill myself!" The pain woke me up considerably, and the battery-powered alarm clock sitting on the suitcase behind me claimed that I had slept for about five hours. Maybe it was lying, but whatever. That was plenty enough sleep for me. Next item of business: sugar and caffeine—preferably in liquid form.

"Oy, Chaos. Where's that coffee you've been hiding from me?" I turned around and paused, frowning at the empty space beside me. "Konran?"

Odd...this was the first time I had woken up after excessive intimacy and found him absent. The sun was already turning the sky a pale blue, so maybe he'd gone to help Hakkai the Early Bird get us ready for departure...

Clothes. I needed clothes. I couldn't very well go rummaging around outside for caffeine and sugar whilst in my birthday suit now, could I?

After some clumsy digging around, I finally gathered the necessary apparel, and managed to clean up and dress myself without incident. I was learning how to deal with the ache—I was even beginning to find it somewhat pleasant. If I just looked it as an affirmation that the relationship between Kon and me wasn't just another delusion, then I could deal with any amount of pain. I had no choice, anyway. He was the only reliable thing in my world.

It took some more skill than finding clothes had, but I eventually found my toothbrush stashed in the toiletries bag beneath about eighty pounds of luggage and gaming equipment. I made a mental note to smack Kon for not paying enough attention to where my necessities were located.

"My brain be hurting," I grumbled darkly, brushing my teeth in record time.

There. Done. Now I could go scrounge up food and "Dance Dance Revolve" on Sanzo's last good nerve. I was running out of things do do.

Refreshed and dying for the necessities of my chemical addiction, I turned towards the camp and bumped right into a more-than-familiar solid object.

"Geeze!" I cried, startled. "Don't go sneaking around like that! Where were you, anyway? It's cold without you!"

"Well, actually..." Kon began, before I gave him a good, solid punch to the gut. "Gah!"

"That's for ditching me, as well as for not stopping me like I asked you to," I muttered. "Fine, yes, you're amazing in bed, but just 'cause I lack restraint doesn't mean you should let me keep pushing."

"What? I'm...what?" He sounded confused, as though he'd only just woken up.

Well, I knew just the trick.

Grabbing his shirt, I pushed him against the back of the Land Rover and went up on my toes for a kiss.

Four seconds into it, I paused in surprise, opened my eyes, and saw nothing but bright, phosphorescent cobalt blue.

"_**Aaaaugh!"**_ I shrieked, leaping away and freezing in an idiocy-influenced pseudo-Judo pose. "Kon! Not Kon! You're not Kon!"

Solitus gave me an exasperated look, holding his injured stomach and frowning at me with those glowing, deep blue eyes. "If you would have allowed me a chance to finish my sentence, rather than beating and molesting me, you would have discovered that _before _you jumped the gun. I'd have preferred not knowing personally the tortures you put that poor man through. How did you know I wasn't him, anyway?"

"You taste different," I blurted without thinking...before immediately turning around to bang my head against the nearest tree and scream incoherently at the world.

"Hey! No, don't do that!" Shocked, he grabbed my shoulders and yanked me away from the tree as I scrambled to return and smash the incident right out of my memory center before it sank too deep. "Lydia, please!" he begged. "Panic about this later! There's something more important to panic about at the moment!"

"What could possibly be more panic-worthy than what I just did?!" I demanded, struggling futiley against his gods-given strength.

"Sanzo's missing!" he said quickly, and when I stilled at his words, he added with a cautious step back, "Konran is, too."

* * *

_**(The Scariest Foodstuffs Ever)**_

"_It's way too damn early to be having a festival," grumbled Sanzo as Kon and he wove through the crowded stalls behind the group of philanthropic friends._

"_Early?" Chaos frowned in confusion. "It's past sunset."_

_He sighed in exasperation and fished through the plastic bag where he had his robe and other necessities stashed away from curious eyes. All he wore were the the leather and jeans, but nobody seemed to care. Once he found what he sought, he lit up and blew the smoke into Kon's face. "I'm not talking about the time of date, idiot. It's June. It's a strange time to have a festival, is all I'm saying."_

_Kon rolled his eyes at that, unfazed by Sanzo's characteristic rudeness. "Right. Well, individual places can have their own festivals, right? Anyway, what's really strange is the fact that they have Chinese food here." The invisible girl had left, but he didn't believe that she was gone for good. She seemed to be hiding something, but he would have to speak with her to confirm anything. With any luck, she might even be helpful in getting them back to Togenkyo._

_Rena caught the tail of Konran's statement, and turned to walk backwards with a cheerful laugh. "It's the first time we've had a booth with Chinese food, but the owner is really interesting. He's a bit rough, but his food is amazing."_

"_Ah...that's good to hear...I think..."_

"_So where are you guys from?" Keiichi asked, glancing over his shoulder. "It seems kind of weird that you could accidentally get stuck in a village with only one road out of it. And how did you get here without a car?"_

"_Well...I guess you could say that we were caught up in a difficult situation," the god replied nervously, worrying over whether Lydia had noticed his absence yet. She was bound to throw a fit, especially after making it perfectly clear that being left alone was the worst fate imaginable in her mind. He dreaded to return and find her mind crushed all over again._

"_Ah, here it is!" Shion announced suddenly, pointing ahead at a vendor surrounded by a mob of hungry customers. "We need to hurry, or all the food will be gone!"_

"_I heard he sells soup that gives you superhuman strength and makes your nose bleed!" Mion laughed._

_Satoko gave a mischievous chuckle, "There's also talk going around that his soup-filled spring rolls can make your mouth catch on fire!"_

"_Whoa, I never knew that!" Keiichi marveled, clearly eager to test the rumors._

"_Am I the only one who would prefer food that __**doesn't **__try to kill me?!" Sanzo muttered incredulously._

"_Like food could kill __**you**__," Kon sighed. "A horde of poisonous mutant squirrels couldn't even slow you down. Come on, or they'll completely forget about us. I could seriously use something to shock my system."_

"_I want the bread!" Rena hopped up and down in excitement, then grabbed Sanzo's and Kon's hands and dragged them into the fray. "C'mon! We have to beat them to it!"_

"_I __**really **__couldn't care less!" the monk shouted in surprise._

"_Oh, just go with it," sighed Chaos. Bread...in a Chinese food stall...during a Japanese festival...he had a suspicion that some severe dimensional overlap was going on. It buzzed in his head like television snow whenever he tried to get a clear picture, however._

_There was plenty of struggling, and a hell of a lot of cursing on Sanzo's part, but after a well-fought battle against the hungry mob, they arrived at the counter. Sanzo had gone wild-eyed, easily scaring off the couple who had tried to admonish him for cutting in line. Kon just tried to pretend he was somewhere else, spending time with Lydia where nobody could drag him into insane situations like this. Then again, Lydia had a habit of doing exactly that __**every single time, **__but he was okay with it as long as she remained at his side._

_However, even Sanzo was distracted when he saw the stand's owner._

_It was borderline evil..._

"_Okonogi! Bring a pan to catch the blood! Azuma! Get another batch of that bread going!" shouted the evil grin-wearing, remarkably demonic chef as he squeezed the blood from the throat of a struggling pigeon into a bowl brought by one of his assistants._

_It was like a stage show, only things actually died, were cooked, and were fed to the people who watched. He treated it as though it were a competition, not a festival—and if it were a festival, then it was a Festival of Death._

"_What the hell is this?" the priest muttered._

"_Hi, I'm Azuma Kazuma!!! Would you like to try some Japan 44???"_

_The two of them looked down and found a tray of samples shoved under their noses. Behind it grinned a young man wearing a pink headband to hold back ear-length brown hair, eagerly awaiting their verdict on the bread._

"_Hey, is bread normal in Chinese food?" Kon murmured to Sanzo._

"_Shut up." Ignoring the god's protest at being snubbed so effortlessly, Sanzo picked up a piece of bread at the end of a toothpick, sniffed it, then ate it._

"_So??? Is it good????" The baker grinned in anticipation, offering some to Kon as well._

_Thinking nothing of it, Chaos tried some as well, and as he chewed and marveled at the amazing flavor, Sanzo let out a choked sound and suddenly collapsed._

_Dead._

_Kon stared, wondering briefly if his comments earlier had jinxed the man, before realizing the gravity of the situation and rushing to do something about it._

"_What the hell kind of bread is this?!" he demanded, dropping to his knees and feeling for a pulse that wasn't there._

_Nobody else seemed to be at all concerned. Even Rena and the others were just smiling in amusement. the only person even remotely interested was the main chef._

"_Jan, we have another one!" Azuma said cheerily, and the cook grinned in a nearly sadistic manner. _

"_Excellent! Now to try my soup..." Throwing his hat onto the counter and setting down the bowl of pigeon blood dessert, he headed to the back of the vendor stand and conferred briefly with the other assistant, Okonogi, who hurried off somewhere._

_Sanzo was already cold, and nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. What was going on here?! However, moments later a group of paramedics arrived and carried the monk away on a stretcher, bringing him around back and setting him on a cot. Too baffled to do anything else, Konran followed, demanding answers which no one was concerned enough to give._

_One bite of bread and Sanzo, the most unbeatable man in Togenkyo, had perished in an instant. Even potassium cyanide didn't work that quickly._

_The paramedics left with amused smiles on their faces while Chaos tried to come up with an explanation to Lydia which wouldn't end in his castration. Nothing was coming to mind._

"_...so sorry! I'm so sorry!..."_

_Through the fog of panic, Kon hear a small voice, and when he glanced behind himself, he noticed the little spirit from before standing there, clasping her hands together and apologizing frantically._

"_Um...hello? Why are you apologizing?" he asked slowly, the continuous bombardment of bizarre already beginning to take its toll on his mental state. He was at the point where even a random Godzilla attack wouldn't surprise him._

"_...I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm...!" In an instant her head snapped up, and she stared at him in open shock. "You...can hear me? See me?"_

_When he got back, regardless of what comedy said, he was going to beat Loki into a bleeding mess of pudding, Lydia-style. "Well...yes. I can hear you. Why are you apologizing?" Back in the vendor stand, Jan the chef had begun throwing a fit over how long it would take to prep the ingredients for his soup. There was bloodshed, and a chopstick nearly speared through the god's head. Okonogi was abashed and began prepping faster._

_Konran cursed inwardly over the ridiculous number of things going on all at once, wondering if, perhaps, they had all been transported into Lydia's convoluted brain._

_The little girl fidgeted, wringing the sleeve of her ornate kimono in apprehension. "I'm so sorry. I can't do anything to stop it. Everybody dies and I can't stop it."_

_Ah, something to which he could anchor himself. "Who are you?" the god inquired, determined to concentrate on one thing at a time. Maybe this little spirit could prove useful._

"_I'm Hanyuu. I'm the protective deity of Hinamizawa. How come you can see me?"_

_Chaos blinked in surprise. It was no wonder she was so upset over Sanzo...oops._

"_Augh! I forgot he was dead!" Again, panic. If Goku berserked, Kon would be completely useless. He really didn't feel like having the blood of the entire Sanzo Party on his hands. Kannon would be intolerable!_

_Hanyuu gave him a peculiar look. "How come you didn't die?"_

"_What?" One baffling thing after another. It was an endless chain of crazy. "You're a deity, right? Well, I'm a god, too, but I'm from a different country entirely. I guess whatever is in this bread can't kill me. How does it work, anyway? Why isn't anybody doing anything to help?"_

"_Lots of people eat Japan 44 and die almost instantly. Their souls go somewhere else for a while, then come back." She fidgeted some more. "It's silly, but I still feel terrible. I'm tired of seeing people die."_

"_Exactly how many people could possibly be dying around here?" There was a crackling of twigs on Kon's other side, and when he looked, a second little girl appeared, with long dark hair to her waist and bangs cut straight across her eyebrows. She was dressed in some sort of ceremonial garb._

_If this became the intro to some sort of exorcism, he would swallow a unicorn whole, dammit._

"_Hanyuu, what are you doing here? I already..." The girl paused at noticing Kon, gave him a searching look, then smiled sweetly. "Ni..."_

"_Ni...?" Chaos was so far past confused that he'd have to pay a visit to Lydia's shrink just to get himself back into the groove of things._

"_Niiii..." She grinned even more broadly._

"_Ni...ni-what? Ni-what, dammit?!"_

"_Ni-pahhh!" She giggled and Kon sweatdropped._

"_I see. Are you here to help or are you just going to stand there scaring me."_

_The little girl laughed. "I'm Furude Rika. You can see her, can't you?"_

"_Who? Her?" He jerked a thumb towards Hanyuu, who was smiling awkwardly. "Uh, yeah. Are you a goddess, too?"_

"_No. Hanyuu is my friend. You don't need to worry about yours. He'll be fine."_

_Ah, his head was beginning to hurt. "Okay, then how do you suppose he'll return from the dead?"_

"_Ni-pahhhh! He just comes back! It's different from how I come back, though." She grew sober at that last bit, then brightened up again with a giggle._

_The god just stared, contemplating whether he should just abandon Sanzo and go back on his own. Alone, he could leave immediately, but Sanzo's transportation was much trickier, and required realignment of the planes. However, just the thought of the pain Lydia would put him through, as well as Goku's impossibly persuasive puppy-eyes, made the decision for him. _

"_You are not from this place, are you?" Rika asked suddenly, jarring Kon out of his spiraling guilt trip. Her voice had changed dramatically from that of a child to that of a grown woman._

"_Come again?" he asked, surprised._

"_You are like Hanyuu, but normal people can see you. Are you a god?" Her expression was different, too—more piercing._

"_Well...yes, but I'm from a different hierarchy. I'm the Greco-Roman god of Chaos. You would call me Konran in this country, but Kon is fine, too."_

"_I see. There is something you should know about this place, before you try to go back to wherever it was you came from. I must first go perform the ceremony, however. Your friend will be fine. Jan will take care of him." She turned to go._

"_Wait, that's it?" Konran demanded. "Why would going back be a problem?"_

_She paused and gave him a sharp stare. "You are a new element in this game, and if you arrived by some unorthodox means, then there is a good chance that escaping will be difficult. I have much to do, now that the time has come again for me to gather clues, but I will return after the ceremony and tell you what I know. Wait here. Hanyuu will keep you company."_

_The little girl then headed off into the woods, towards the sound of drums, and Chaos gave Hanyuu an unsettled frown. "Well...I guess there's nothing else to do."_

"_Nope," she replied with a sheepish smile._

"_Well, damn. I'll wait for this guy to rise from the dead to kill some time, then."_

* * *

**(Inconceivable!)**

"What do you mean, Kon's 'missing'?!" I demanded shrilly, unable to believe Solitus' words. "He was just here!"

The Klone shrugged helplessly. "Hakkai spotted them at the campfire. Apparently, Sanzo had already been up for awhile, and Konran came over to get a drink from the cooler. They sat, talked, then vanished. Like, _**'poof'**_, gone." He made an elaborate "poof"-ing gesture, and I contemplated suicide.

"That's crazy!" Panicked, I marched past him, forgetting about being embarrassed and storming into the camp. "Where's Kon?!"

My incomprehension was met by seven sets of startled eyes in various colors. I hadn't brushed my hair or washed my face, so I could only imagine how terrifying the sight must have been. Only Comedy wasn't looking at me, instead huddling on the end of a log with his back to the rest of us.

"Lydia...well, Solitus must have told you, right?" Hakkai asked softly. He had a hand on Goku's head, clearly trying to calm the anxious sage. Gojyo stood behind them, smoking and wearing an unsettled frown. He wasn't the monk's biggest fan, but he was smart enough to know that things would really suck if the three of them had to finish the mission alone. Plus, the monkey would be a serious pain in the ass.

I could only stare for what felt like aeons. This wasn't happening. Sure, Sanzo was an asshole of mega-ultra-chicken proportions, but he was still a leader, unwilling as he may have been. And Kon...Kon was the only person I felt stood on equal ground with me. Without him, I'd...

"THAT BASTARD PROMISED ME!" I screamed suddenly at the top of my lungs, frightening a flock of crows and miscellaneous songbirds out of the trees around us, not to mention the entire group and a family of squirrels.

This wasn't happening...it was a nightmare...why wasn't I waking up? Kon promised that he wouldn't leave! What was I supposed to do without him?

There was only one way I could cope with this kind of loss.

A growl escaped me, and I wiped the tears out of my eyes before they could hit the ground, lowering my arm to glare in defiance at everyone around me.

"We keep moving!" I announced, shooting evil looks at anyone who wanted to disagree. Even Goku seemed jolted out of his depression.

"Um...what exactly is your plan?" Gojyo inquired slowly, a sweatdrop slowly making its way down the side of his head.

"COMPLETE AND UTTER DENIAL!" I declared.

Kougaiji made a face I never thought I'd see him make. It was about as non-princely as it got: he was flat-out flabbergasted—yes, _flabbergasted._ "That is, quite possibly, the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my entire life," he informed me.

I spun to face him. "The faster you run, the more easily the ninjas can get you! HOWEVER, they can't catch you if you're ON FIRE! _**AHHHH-HAHAHAHAAAA!" **_I stopped laughing suddenly and gave him a hard look. "That's pretty ridiculous, too. Which is worse, huh? HUH?! Bring it!"

He winced—everybody winced, but since he was dead-on in my sights, his wince nearly resulted in a concussion. "Hakkai! Do something!" he snapped.

"Actually, she has a valid point," the Monopoly Man replied thoughtfully.

Solitus gave him a searching look. "Which part? The 'complete and utter denial' or the ninja evasion method—both of which are absurd, If I may interject my own opinion on the matter."

"Both, actually..." he smiled half-jokingly and Solitus produced a record-breaking five sweatdrops.

DUDE! _**FIVE!**_ This guy may have had some use left in him yet.

I quickly retrieved the magical crystal wonders, much to the Klone's distress, and continued on my diatribe. "Regardless of the glaring truth of this matter, we are going to pretend that everything is peachy-keen! Kon and Sanzo are still here. Isn't it obvious? We just can't see them."

"Oy, oy, this feels like we're talking about someone's death," Gojyo hastily interjected. "Try to keep the Lydi-isms (2) to a minimum, please?"

I gave him an irritated leer. "Well, if necessary, I can select someone on each team to play the part." I took Solitus' measure as I said this. With my amazing powers of self-delusion, it wouldn't be difficult at all to pin all of Kon's traits to his Klone.

Sanzo, however...who was enough of a sour-puss dictator to play that part?

"Can I be Sanzo?" Yumoa asked, suddenly hopeful. Only moments before, he'd been downtrodden and quiet, but...

"DENIED!" I replied flatly. He immediately broke down, sobbing salty tears of saline chibi pain, but I would not budge.

Sanzo was scary, indeed, but Yumoa? That was like unleashing all of Hell's fury upon a single dehydrated daffodil. This world—or any other world, for that matter—was not ready to deal with his madness sitting in a position of authority.

While I ignored Comedy's attempts to obtain more power than all the universes' dimensions were prepared to handle, I turned to Goku, who just stared coldly at the ground beneath his feet. He was going to be the toughest to convince. Gojyo was already planning things to do in the shotgun seat while the monk was AWOL—there would be no friction there—and the miscellaneous detritus we had arbitrarily picked up along the way—Hairball and Strawberry Shortcake, that is—didn't seem to care, as long as they got back home eventually. Only Goku would be in as much pain as I was.

"I don't..." the monkey spoke up, then trailed off, and all focused on him.

"What is it?" Gojyo asked, dropping his spent cigarette and grinding it beneath his heel.

The sage looked at each of us in turn, a determined fire in his molten gold eyes. "I don't want anybody pretending to be Sanzo, and I don't wanna pretend that he's only just invisible!" he practically shouted. "I wanna find Loki and make him give Sanzo back!"

Comedy flinched, then slowly morphed back into his usual self, standing up and hanging his head in thought. "I'm...sorry, guys. My dad gets carried away. I don't know what he's thinking, causing all this trouble. If he really wanted to spend time with me, he could have just called me over, but that's not how he works. Everything has to be a game, in his philosophy..." He met Goku's piercing gaze with his own flames. "You have my word that I'll put an end to this, so please bear with it for now."

Everybody was clearly more than a little disturbed that Yumoa was suddenly being so serious. The fact that Bob still remained secure around his neck didn't do a thing to help lower the weirdness factor, but there was something almost captivating about this seemingly unassuming god whenever he decided to finally assume some responsibility.

Sighing, I nodded soberly. "Indeed. My idiots are to blame for all of this. Yumoa's not going to let us down, and I'm no pushover, either. Besides, you guys are about as kickass as they come, so hanging on until our leadership comes back won't be much of a problem. Sanzo won't let Kon ignore the problem, and Kon may be an emotional time bomb, but the guy knows his stuff. Those two will make it back, either with our assistance or by their own sheer willpower."

Goku stared at us in surprise, then after a long pause to think, he nodded. "Okay...then let's go. Sanzo'll be mad if we don't make any progress while he's gone, and he'll at least want a hotel room." He gave me a forced smile, still worried, but willing to accept my logic.

"Excellent. Comedy, I never thought I'd allow these irrational and possibly life-threatening words to leave my mouth, but you're driving." I gave the god a serious look, and to my surprise he simply nodded obediently and headed over to pack up the stuff Kon and I had moved out of our way last night.

Hakkai was already handing out tasks, and Kougaiji willingly opted to take care of the detritus, Zakuro, and Yon She-Bitch while we were getting ready to leave, so Solitus and I followed after Yumoa to help speed things along.

The fact that the carefree, playful Comedy was being completely serious left a funny taste in my mouth, but I couldn't allow it to bother me. I couldn't afford to lose it just yet.

* * *

_**(Transportation Troubles)**_

"_I hate dragons."_

_Seimei let out a weary sigh, frowning at Hwan as she paced angry circles around their tiny campfire. She didn't want the travelers to notice their presence, thus the meager warmth, but it also meant they were cold and damp this early in the morning. He had wanted to argue, but she was more stubborn than he could ever have imagined. Her priorities had shifted once again, from retrieving her experiments to observing exactly why Lydia and her gods had returned._

"_Well, we've been making him fly pretty fast to keep just out of the Sanzo party's radar. It's only natural that he'd want a rest."_

"_No, this is because I accidentally kicked him too hard. Spiteful beast..."_

_The clone glanced over to the sleeping dragon, then gave up and took a seat on a rock near the pitiful flame. "It's a pain, but we'll just have to deal with it. That smoke over there makes me think that the party is getting ready to leave. I haven't seen Kougaiji's dragon yet, so they're still in the last place we found them."_

"_It's all moot if they leave before our lizard wakes up," the doctor muttered darkly, irritated that he could just sit there without panicking over the state of things._

"_Look, let's just sit and wait it out," he reasoned. "Have something to eat. You're going to get sick if you keep starving and stressing yourself. Besides, it can't be helped. It's no use complaining and throwing a fit."_

_She stopped dead and shot him a dirty look, then abruptly sat on her sleeping mat on the opposite side of the campfire. Last night, his logic that staying together would be warmer had fallen on deaf ears, and she had awakened to terrible cold pains. Even now, the small blanket around her shoulders did nothing to fend off the morning chill, but nothing would make her admit it. She didn't know his intentions, and she didn't want to know. The experiments and the dimensional disturbance came first, and nothing came after._

_At least, this was what she wanted to believe. Seimei, however, obviously wanted to gain her trust, but she would have none of it._

"_Here. Eat this and try to calm down a little." A wrapped sandwich from their stop in the last town appeared above the fire, and she gave it a blank stare, as though trying to figure out what it was and whether it was poisoned._

"_I'm not hungry," she grumbled stubbornly, in a terrible mood and wanting none of his games._

"_Don't be silly, Doctor. Eat the sandwich and I promise things will get better. I don't feel like lugging around a sick person who's too stubborn to go seek medical attention, anyway." He wagged the sandwich at her, and after a long, contemplative stare, she gave up and took the food, unwrapping and eating it with all the dignity she could muster. She was starving, and cranky as a result, but she'd be damned if she would allow him to see that._

_Seimei was just glad that she had eaten something. He didn't care how Hwan ate, as long as she ate at all, and he loosened up as the worry left him._

_His relief didn't escape the Doctor's attention one bit, and once finished she groused, "I'm a youkai, you idiot. It isn't as if I'll catch a mysterious disease just because I haven't eaten in a day or two."_

_He doggedly met her bespectacled gaze. "Regardless, I feel better when you're taken care of."_

_Hwan stared in near-surprise for some time, before turning away and muttering quietly, "Is there anything to drink?"_

_The clone blinked, then smiled gently, amused with her behavior. "We have some leftover juice and coffee. Which would you like?"_

_She thought about it. "The coffee, please."_

"_Yes, ma'am." He got up to retrieve her provisions, and she watched as the little fire slowly died._

_Seimei was dangerous, she concluded. He wasn't dangerous in the sense that he would hurt her, but he was certainly a danger to her carefully stockpiled pride. Nobody treated her this kindly, and she had built herself upon the belief that her own strength was all she needed, but this sudden attention was baffling to someone who was more accustomed to cruelty from those around her._

_Hwan hated to admit it, but she liked him for that kindness._

* * *

_**(Meanwhile...in Heaven's Cabaret)**_

_Sanzo had never felt this light. It was an odd, somewhat evanescent weightlessness, as though the slightest breeze could whisk him away to lands unseen by human eyes since the dawn of man. All around he could see fields upon fields of flowers, some well-known, and others so fantastical that he wondered whether they were even real. The shock-blue sky above and the rainbow of petals below were almost nauseatingly beautiful._

_But this was Sanzo, and Sanzo wanted the ride to stop NOW._

_Well, luck was definitely on his side, because as he floated along, a large structure appeared on the horizon, growing more and more unfathomably garish as he drew closer._

"_Cabaret Club...Heaven?" he muttered. For once he was stumped, and there were several reasons for this: one, why did heaven have a cabaret? Weren't Buddha's teachings based upon leaving behind such worldly things? Two, how the hell had he ended up in heaven? Even he felt that he was a little...ill-suited. And three, how the FUCK had a piece of BREAD killed him so easily?!_

_Questions—he had so many questions, and, fortunately for him, he was almost to the one place where it seemed somebody might have some answers. He willed himself to float faster, if that were even possible, and in minutes he was at the front door of the establishment._

_However, before he could barge in unannounced, the front doors blasted open and vomited out a dozen women in painfully revealing bunny-girl costumes. It was all he could do to avoid being killed all over again, and in an impatient rage he clambered out of the writhing mass of women to reach the open air...only to find that he had already been brought inside the suspicious establishment._

"_What the hell is this?" He stared and stared, but the scene before him wasn't changing, no matter how hard he tried to convince his brain that this was both impossible and utterly moronic._

"_Wow, we have a new customer, today!" squealed a blonde bunny-girl, immediately calling over a waiter who brought a bottle of Jack Daniels and a pair of tumblers with ice. "Not hell, sweetie. This is heaven."_

"_Which one of us would you like?" asked a different one, twirling a finger sensuously through her curly black hair._

_Yet another giggled teasingly, her green eyes startlingly bright with her pale face and copper-red hair, "Or would you like more than one?"_

"_You have so many to choose from!" This one had shimmering chestnut locks and a mischievous glint in her dark eyes._

_Sanzo honestly, for the life of him, didn't know how to respond. His gun and fan were both with his physical body, thus leaving him no familiar method for a reply. All he could manage was a garbled, "Huh?"_

"_Awwww! That's so cute!" the blonde giggled shamelessly, taking the whiskey and pouring three fingers for the monk. "He doesn't know what to do!" She pushed the drink to him, and he eyed it in distrust. "Go on and have a drink. Loosen up and have some fun while you can."_

_The irritation was beginning to override his absolute lack of understanding for the situation, which helped clear his head enough to ask a proper question. "While I can?" he muttered dubiously. "Where the hell am I? Don't tell me this is heaven." _

"_First, pick one of us!" huffed the redhead in what he assumed she meant to be a cutesy manner._

"_I hate redheads. Leave," he snapped, glaring at the few peppered through the crowd. Somewhat startled, they scattered off and tried to pretend that they didn't want to kill the new customer. "Blondes, and those with black hair, as well," he added wrathfully, unable to stop the overflowing rage he felt towards certain individuals._

_The unwanteds scattered, and after a few more elimination rounds, he settled for a brunette with glasses. He figured she would be least likely to piss him off, and as soon as she sat down next to him the monk demanded sharply, "What is this place?"_

"_The sign states the obvious, doesn't it?" she responded matter-of-factly, signalling to the waiter for vodka and finger food. "'Heaven's Cabaret' is a bit like a weigh station for the men. There's a different place for the ladies, but this is where the men are sorted out into two categories: those with time and those without. If you still have time, you eventually fade and return to your body. If not, then you move onto the next stage."_

_Sanzo frowned, nodding when the waiter brought his drink and downing both the whiskey and the vodka successively._

_He cringed. Those two did not go well together. The flavor was all out of whack._

"_Right, so..." He set his glass on the table and refilled it with vodka. "So do I still have time or am I stuck here? If I'm actually dead, I'm not going down without a fight. The least I can do is haunt the hell out of the bastard who got me into this mess." An evil, slightly insane smirk cracked his expression, and the brunette—Shelly, her name was—smiled in mild exasperation._

"_Oh, you're still alive and kicking. You have my condolences if that ruins our plans a bit."_

_At the news, he sighed with relief...in his mind. "Really? Well, damn. I was beginning to get some good ideas. There are some idiots I wouldn't mind haunting until they die."_

"_Uh-huh."_

_Sanzo leered at her obvious dubiety, but rather than calling her out on it, he ordered a screwdriver to wash the taste of that last mistake from his mouth. "Anyway, how long am I stuck here? More specifically, how much time will have passed where my body is? And what the hell is with the thing on my head. I've taken it off twice now, and it keeps apprearing while I'm not paying attention."_

"_Our time goes much faster than yours, so you'll only be physically dead for about twenty minutes, unless you're revived. And that 'thing' on your head keeps coming back because you're dead." The screwdriver components arrived, and she mixed and poured it for him._

_The monk paused before drinking. "One more thing: do I have to pay for this booze?"_

_Shelly laughed. "Don't worry about it. Just have fun. After all, you're dead right now!"_

_He thanked the miserable gods for at least giving him free liquor, and decided to get as smashed as spiritually possible before returning to the world of the living._

* * *

**(That Night—Shingan City)**

The entire day had passed me by as though I hadn't really been there. I could remember coming to the next city with Comedy at the wheel, as well as a long strategy meeting with Hakkai, Kougaiji, and said god to plan our next route, but other than that, I couldn't even remember food.

Yumoa didn't feel like playing any games, and neither did I. Even Goku's monstrous appetite had declined to the point where Gojyo was freaking out a bit. With the most important people in our respective groups missing, everybody was on edge.

Fortunately for us, the small inn on the far edge of the city, in which we had taken up residence, was falling on hard times due to multiple apparition sightings, leaving more rooms to space our large group out. Kougaiji and Zakuro, Hakkai and Goku, Gojyo and Harry, Ichigo and Solitus and Regina (despite the Klone's protests), and me and Comedy—those were the room arrangements, and the management was pleased to have so many lodgers in their time of hardship. Hakkai had counted us lucky that the Three Aspects' Gold Card had been left in Sanzo's bag. Otherwise, the inn's dish-washing staff would also have increased dramatically.

The room Comedy and I shared was simple, with two beds, a bathroom, and a small kitchen area with little more than a microwave and a sink. All the rooms were the same, except for the Klone's, which was bigger and had a pull-out couch bed to for Yon She-Bitch.

Without Kon, I felt no need to leave my room once the strategics were over. I could hear the rooms on either side, but nobody seemed all that energetic. It was only nine at night, yet I just wanted to sleep.

The blankets were nice and thick, but I couldn't get warm. I should have brought more suitable pajamas, but I'd never thought I would have to worry about keeping warm in bed, so all I had was my nightgown. Kon kept me warm, kept me safe and relatively happy despite how often I claimed otherwise. Without him, I felt somewhat helpless.

I curled into fetal position, shivering from the cold. There was a ball of aching tension in the middle of my chest, and I screwed my eyes up tightly against it. I'd never known that this kind of pain even existed. Rafe's death had scarred me to the point where my view on life and love had been twisted and warped into something almost inhuman, but Kon's disappearance...

...this was simply pain. It was an emptiness, a hole in my chest which some cruel monster had torn open.

There was no way I could pretend that he was still with me. I was a headless chicken, scrambling around with no guidance system or purpose.

I couldn't stop when the tears began. The crying would dehydrate me, and the shivering would exhaust me. There was an awfully high probability that I was going to be one seriously angry, crazy bitch tomorrow, but for some reason I liked that thought. Hurting things was much more attractive than moping.

Dammit, Sanzo's brain was infecting me. He was like Ebola!

I cried harder, but no longer knew exactly why I did so.

And then, like magic, I felt a familiar warmth and weight beside me under the covers, and I spun in surprise.

"Chaos...!" I stared up into eyes of fire, and let out a sigh so heavy that I felt the earth give a little.

"You only call him that when you're being nice to him." Comedy gave me a sad smile. "Sorry, hon. I'm not your sweetie, but I figured you looked cold without him." Gently, he pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on top of my head. "He'll come back. He'll come back just for you, I know it," he whispered.

I frowned, sniffling a little. He smelled like sunshine and lollipops—typical, I supposed. I was willing to bet my good hand that he had either commissioned or inspired that irritating song.

"It's creepy when you're being all grown up," I muttered uncomfortably. Thanks to Kon, I now had a bizarre, never-before-seen awareness of men. It kind of weireded me out to realize that Yumoa actually did fall into that category.

"Well, I don't feel like twister or DDR or Resident Evil 4...though killing zombies sounds like good stress relief..." he mused aloud.

"No zombies, you dolt. You know I can't even make it past the first level. That shed zombie freaks me out like whoa."

"In that case, this is the best I can do. I'm sorry my dad is doing this to you." He gave me a little squeeze, and I eased up in the presence of his godly warmth.

"Thanks, Comedy. You're a real gentleman...though Kon would beat you if he saw us."

"I know—he's a possessive freak when it comes to you—but for some reason I feel obligated to protect you. It's weird, actually. Something's different about you lately..."

Rolling my eyes, I hunched down and settled in. "Go to sleep, Fool."

"Huh...okay...g'night, Lyds."

"Good night, Yumoa."

_It's nice to have a good friend like this one,_ REASON murmured, rolling around in my head and getting ready to hand things over to the subconscious.

I nodded slightly, smiling a little when the god started murmuring in his sleep. Maybe being plagued with gods wasn't as bad as I'd always thought. They were really warm, and made excellent allies.

I made a mental note to have Kon make him best man at the wedding.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

(1) General Sherman was a brilliant strategist. However, he presumably had severe ADHD and would often call his officers into his tent to discuss brilliant battle strategies...while naked. He would also run out of said tent, still naked, and demand food from passing lackeys. He happened to rock.

(2) Pronounced "LYD-dee-izz-um". Kinda like "Bush-ism", only far more astonishing and bizarre.

Yeah, I'm still alive. The lack of reviews kind of killed my inspiration, so I've been spending the last three months watching J-dramas and editing my book. Anyway, please review. The more, the merrier, and the the sooner I'll be updating.

Ciao.

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	28. Distortion: The Rx Factor

**The Sequel: Chapter XXVIII (Current Mood: Feta)**

* * *

(Disclaimer: I still don't own Saiyuki or its characters. I do, however, own Lyds, the gods, and the personalities I've devised for the Greek gods I'm borrowing from mythology.)

**_(_****_Author's Note)_**

_Stuff happens in this chapter. Lyds get's pretty wacky—funny and sad all at the same time, actually. _

_Thanks to The Phantom Basket (I do it on purpose...it just sounds too awesome not to say.) for the suggestions. I'll implement them in the near future. Special thanks to **Got the Life** for the support. It made me happy. (grin) This one is for you guys._

_I apologize for updating so late last time...today's quotes are from brilliant authors who inspired me to write so weirdly. The last is there because it wouldn't get out of my head._

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives."—James Joyce_

"_Shakespeare is the happy hunting ground of all minds that have lost their balance."—James Joyce (I've never read him, actually, but I agree with everything he says.)_

"_James Joyce was a synthesizer, trying to bring in as much as he could. I am an analyzer, trying to leave out as much as I can."—Samuel Beckett (author of Watt) _

"_The bad end unhappily, the good unluckily. That is what tragedy means."—Tom Stoppard (author of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead)_

"_A smile is the chosen vehicle of all ambiguities."—Herman Melville (author of Moby Dick)_

"_All I wanted was a Pepsi. Just one Pepsi—far from suicidal."—"Stuck", Limp Bizkit_

* * *

**_Distortion: The Rx Factor_**

_**(The Heavens—Movie Night—Sort of.)**_

"_Hey, Eris, can I ask you some things about Yumoa?" the Merciful Goddess inquired as the three of them sat at the edge of the viewing pond and stuffed their faces with popcorn and Irish coffee._

_The Goddess of Chaos glanced at Kannon. "I assume you're wondering about his family situation, correct?"_

"_Well, yes. First-off, how are he and Konran cousins?"_

_Eris sighed and set her popcorn aside to take a sip of coffee. "As you probably are aware of, the Greek family tree is rather twisted. Comedy and Tragedy are black sheep amongst the younger gods. My sister Philotes gave birth to them, so they're related to Chaos and Order through my side of the family, but they're not exactly Greek gods, per se."_

"_How so?"_

_When Eris paused to think, Venus chimed in, "Their father isn't a member of our hierarchy. Philotes met Loki at one of Hermes' soirées, and I played matchmaker for them. Loki isn't a god—he's actually related to the Giants on the Norse side, so the siblings are almost demi-gods. However, since he's Odin's blood-brother, his children are allowed to live on Olympus. _

"_Loki and Philotes were never married, mostly because it would ruin the balance between the Greek and Norse hierarchy if they took it that far, but Loki loves her like no other, and she gave him a son and a daughter. He loves them so much, but due to his nature, visitations are limited."_

_Kannon frowned. "Then why would he go through all of this? Why would he cause so much trouble for his son and nephew?"_

_The Chaos goddess cleared her throat, and Aphrodite deferred to her._

"_Loki is a troublemaker of incomprehensible proportions," Eris explained, staring hard at the pond's snapshots of the Trickster and feeling a twinge of irritation. "It's part of who he is. It can't be turned off. Because of that, and even though my sister adores him, she decided it would be best if Comedy and Tragedy stayed with her, instead of him. Loki has only seen his children a handful of times, and spends most of his days either playing pranks on mortals or slumming it in Valhalla. It's entirely possible that he's doing this as a last-ditch attempt to spend some quality time with his boy. Unfortunately, his idea of fun is to ruin people's lives—hence the dilemma."_

"_I'm not so certain that 'dilemma' is quite the word I would use for this mess he's created," Kannon muttered. "Thanks to the dimensional clashing, a band of fish-people pirates have invaded that little mountain village down there." She indicated a patch of images off to one side. "And to be perfectly honest, the stretchy boy fighting them is giving me the creeps. Plus, they're nowhere near the ocean! There's no logic to what Loki is doing!"_

"_Loki finds those kinds of situations to be unbearably hilarious," Aphrodite sighed, popping another Fun Size Snickers in her mouth and chewing thoughtfully._

_Eris sipped her spiked coffee and shook her head in irritation. "I told Philotes that he was a mistake to keep around, but she's such a softie. Talking is pointless, and figuring out his true motive even more so. Chaos is just going to have to render him incapable of continuing—any other method wouldn't work." She reached for more popcorn, but her hand hit the bottom, and she gave the bowl a dirty glare._

_Kannon noticed and chuckled, before taking the bowl and holding it up. "Jiroshin!" she called to the manservant as he sat at the lonely shogi table and brooded. "Refill on popcorn, if you would."_

_He frowned, then stood and went over to perform his duty as the Kanzeon Bosatsu's temporary slave. "Right away, Merciful Goddess," he sighed heavily, looking forward to when the foreign goddesses took their leave. This impromptu viewing party was beginning to test the limits of even his endless patience._

"_More liquor, too," Aphrodite chimed in._

"_And I'm rather fond of these 'Milk Duds'," added Eris, shaking her empty box and giving him a look which plainly suggested that he pick up the pace._

_Jiroshin wanted to argue. It was unlike him to fight Kannon's wishes, but this absurdity was taking its toll on his constitution._

_However, he couldn't get his mouth to complain, and with one last resentful look at the distracted Merciful Goddess, he headed for the kitchen to replenish the snack and alcohol supply once more._

* * *

_**(Camaraderie)**_

"_So if we continue along this main road here, we should reach the next town in a day or so, right?" Gojyo rechecked, tapping the map which Hakkai had spread across the hood of the jeep. _

_Kougaiji eyed the little squiggle lines in curiosity. "If memory serves, this forest filled with fruit trees and fresh springs, so stopping here until around noon tomorrow would be a good idea if the town is that far off."_

"_I see. We do need a break. It's been three days already." The former human studied the roads and the general area, then looked around at the actual surroundings. The Land Rover was parked some yards away and Yumoa was already unloading supplies for the night. It seemed he was quicker on the uptake than initially thought._

_It was worrisome to see the God of Comedy acting his age for once, as if it were merely the first sign of many, foretelling some grave catastrophe to come. He was lonely without his best friend, afraid for Lydia's well-being, and determined to stop his father before anything irrevocable occurred. However, the only problem he seemed capable of handling at the moment was the first one—Lydia was behaving strangely, and Loki had yet to make any moves on the band of travelers._

_Gojyo noticed the exhausted look in his friend's visible eye, and clapped a hand on his shoulder, drawing the monocle-clad youkai's startled gaze. "If anybody needs a break, it's you," he sighed, shaking his head and cracking a faint smile. "You and Hakuryu should take the night off. I'm sure we'll manage while you're recharging."_

"_Ah...it's that obvious, is it?" Hakkai laughed weakly. "I suppose Sanzo is much more useful than we may have assumed."_

"_When the leader is absent, it's only natural for the ones left behind to feel a little lost," the Prince murmured. "Besides, if what Konran said before is true, then it's possible that the reason why they've been gone so long is because the time in whatever dimension they've been sent to is moving more slowly than our own."_

"_So there really is a logical mind behind all these seemingly stupid plans you implement," the kappa commented lightly. "Your boss must be really lame to ignore that."_

_Kougaiji gave him a hard frown, then relented with a sigh. "Unfortunately, I'm inclined to agree with that observation. However, I have no choice in the matter. Precious things are being placed in harm's way, and all I can do is the best I can to protect them."_

"_Makes sense. I guess I can't blame you for having sucky superiors."_

_Hakkai laughed a little, folding up the map and letting Hakuryu transform back into his dragon form. "I apologize anyway for the trouble this has caused. It must be bothersome to have to follow us when our one source of information is missing in action. At first, we had thought that the clones were the reason for the disturbance, but now that we know they aren't, it's a bit of a relief. _

"_Actually, It might be a combination of both problems," the Prince mused. "Loki's presence doesn't really explain why Houtou castle is so adversely affected by the disturbance if the core of all this trouble is following you."_

"_Solitus has been helpful, though, and Regina seems to have turned over a new leaf." If they're part of the problem, then we'll look into it when we have the chance._

"_That's nice, but we're still gonna be enemies once this shit's over and done with," added Gojyo._

_The other two nodded soberly. "Indeed," Hakkai admitted as he put away the map and searched the same bag for the dragon's snacks._

"_Despite that, I don't hate you all," the youkai Prince said thoughtfully. "The circumstances are simply more pressing than the relationships."_

"_It's settled, then!" the water sprite declared with a friendly grin. "Once that Loki guy is taken care of, and once we're done trying to kill each other, we should all go out drinking. Bring my bro and Yaone, too. The more, the merrier. Plus, the two shrimps should be of age by then, so they can come, too."_

"_Do you really think it will take so long?"_

"_Look, it's taken us a year to get this far. Seriously, with all the sideshows we have to deal with, it'll be a miracle if we ever get to Houtou castle."_

_Kou sweatdropped, but there was no one present to steal it from him. "Ah…you may have a point…" _

* * *

_**(Pre-Scripted Madness)**_

_Despite his inherent fear of the girl who had declared him incompetent for the role of main character in his own self-titled novels, Harry Potter couldn't help but worry about Lydia. It wasn't any kind of attraction—nor was it the result of impending doom hanging over his head at the thought of what might happen if he never got back home. No, it was the fact that she was beginning to behave strangely._

_Therefore, although he couldn't stop his imagination from concocting various scenarios in which he might be impaled on a sword or beaten to death with a stick, he swallowed his fear and approached Yumoa for an explanation._

"_Lyds is acting funny?" Comedy had patiently listened to the young wizard's reasoning, and set a more critical eye on his cousin's worldly equivalent than usual._

_She was whetting her blade against a smooth stone she had found in one of the nearby springs, and seemed to be chatting with herself—chuckling every now and then at some unknown joke and grinning mischievously._

"_See? Isn't that odd?" Harry asked, hoping that Comedy could do something to alleviate his worries. "It's been like that for about a day now. Ichigo doesn't even want to get out of the car. He's sure she'll kill us, and he's the one carrying around that gigantic sword!"_

"_Regina and Zakuro seem fine with it, though." The god jerked a thumb at the other two, who were playing Uno just a few feet away from the girl to kill time. Zakuro's Holland illusions were absolutely useless in his bid to cheat, and Regina's faulty belief in her own peerlessness caused stupid mistakes one after the other. It was a battle of wits where neither opponent was armed, and all they could do was think empty thoughts as hard as they could to no avail._

_If left alone, it would last an eternity._

"_Pardon my saying so, but I have my doubts about those two, as well," Harry responded to Yumoa's observation._

"_Ah. You have a point, there." Frowning, Comedy looked again at the oddly-behaved equivalent, trying to think of what might possibly be making her act this way._

"_It's as though she's gone mad," the wizard muttered in passing._

_Like a bolt of lightning, realization struck the god, and his eyes went wide. "Oh, no…I don't think she's been taking her medication!" he whispered in fear. "I completely forgot! Kon always reminds her, not me!"_

_Fortunately for the sake of confirmation, Goku had returned from gathering wood for the dinner fire, and Yumoa stopped him before he could pass._

"_Hey, when you put that in the pile, could you go talk to Lyds for me?" he asked carefully, figuring that, of anybody, the Seiten Taisei would be best able to handle a crisis if one were to arise._

_The sage blinked those all-seeing golden eyes, sensing that something was amiss, but setting it aside when he noticed the wild fear on Harry's face. "Er…sure, I guess?" Yumoa let him go then, and with one last uncertain glance back, he set the wood in the pile beside the circle of stones and headed over to the chuckling girl._

"_Hey, Lydia, what's up?" he asked casually._

_She froze in the middle of her sharpening and looked up at the monkey, then grinned. "Goku! Let's go hunting for the Bumble!"_

_His eye twitched without permission. "Huh?"_

"_The Bumble!" she repeated, as though it should have been understood the first time around. "He's eating all our peanut butter! He must be stopped." In an instant, the grin morphed into a rage-filled glare, aimed at some undefined location just behind Goku's right ear._

"_Uhh…I'm not sure what you mean by that…and we have no peanut butter. Hakkai never bought any." He was getting the uncomfortable feeling that he'd just stepped on a land mine that would explode as soon as he lifted his foot._

"_No peanut butter?!" she exclaimed in disbelief. "But then Mr. Ed will never speak again!" For some reason, she began sobbing uncontrollably, and Goku's feeling changed into the sense that yet another God of Comedy had stolen her form and was making her say these strange things._

"_Right. I think I hear Yumoa callin' me." Wide-eyed and nervous, he turned to go, and Lydia bade a tearful farewell, as though he were setting off on the Titanic's last voyage and she knew exactly what was about to happen._

"_Well? What's the situation?" Comedy demanded as soon as the monkey returned._

_He held up a hand. "First, what's a Bumble?"_

_Yumoa cocked his head to one side, confused. "The Abominable Snowman. They call him the Bumble in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, though. Why?"_

"_Also, who's Mr. Ed?"_

_Even more confused than the god, Harry replied slowly, "That would be a horse from a really old TV show. He supposedly talked, but everyone knew they just put peanut butter in his mouth to make his lips move, and that they voiced-over his part. Again, why do you ask?"_

"_Because the Bumble is stealing Mr. Ed's peanut butter, apparently."_

_These words had a more dramatic effect than anybody could have imagined, and Yumoa's frantic screaming fit frightened everyone into thinking he was being possessed by a legion of warring Hellspawn for a few long moments. However, after those few long moments were up, he became placid, and made a beeline for the trunk of the Land Rover without a word._

_Goku and Harry stood in stunned silence as they watched him go. A second later, Gojyo, Hakkai, and Kougaiji came running over just as they lost sight of the Comedy god, and demanded to know what was wrong._

"_Lydia hasn't been taking her medication," Goku explained slowly._

_Hakkai frowned, looked at the girl, then back to the sage. "Why don't you help me with the dinner preparations?"_

_Harry was shocked that they would brush it off so easily. "But what about—?"_

"_Yay! I get to help make the food? Really?" The monkey's eyes were sparkling with unbridled joy, and the wizard could only gape in confusion as the healer and the young man headed for the supply bags to get supper ready._

"_Let it go," Gojyo advised wisely. "You do __**not**__ want to get involved when that woman loses it. Seriously. She's crazy enough to have an entire psychiatric ward dedicated to studying her issues."_

_Gojyo was not aware that she did, in fact, have her own ward back at Happy Acres. However, they could not receive confirmation, for the subject in question was too busy devising a brilliant plan for flushing the Bumble out of the woods, killing him in some hideously brutal fashion, and retrieving the peanut butter..._

_As a reward, Mr. Ed would give her a million Canadian dollars and an island in the Galapagos, as well as a banana farm._

_Clearly, reality no longer held any meaning in her unmedicated brain, and Harry could only hope that Yumoa would get that problem fixed soon._

* * *

_**(Cabaret Club Heaven…Quasi-Tragic Parting)**_

_Surprisingly, Shelly hadn't managed to make Sanzo want to kill anything for nearly an hour and a half. It was a new record, though Guinness would have been hard-pressed to find any previous record-holders, as one of them was dead and the one left alive had a rather disturbing smile._

_However, the monk had no choice but to admit to himself that she wasn't a complete waste of sentient life, and eventually stopped trying to find ways to piss her off. As a matter of fact, he felt somewhat disappointed to think that he would have to leave this place at some point. He hadn't had this much peace in a long while. With the gods and the feral Stray running around trying to ruin his life in some convoluted way or another at every available opportunity, it was difficult to get any quiet time in the world of the living._

_Fortunately, this was a place where he could vent all of his complaints without holding anything in. Shelly had listened patiently to everything, never interrupting, and adding a word of support or acknowledgment here and there to keep him comfortable with all the chatter. She was quite good at getting clients to lower their guard, and Sanzo was no exception._

_In the end, though, even the priest could feel his consciousness beginning to drift, and when he looked down at his hands they were slowly becoming transparent._

"_Shit. You weren't kidding," he muttered in subdued surprise, somewhat disappointed that this helpful therapy had to end so soon._

_Shelly smiled and laughed a little. "Nobody stays for very long, but I'm sure you'll carry this memory to your grave."_

"_Wait, I'm not allowed to tell anyone?"_

_She shook her head. "That's not it. It's just that you probably won't. Judging by what you've told me, your friends would be worried if you told them about this place. You're too level-headed to hallucinate anything this elaborate."_

"_That's a point there," he grudgingly admitted. "Last thing I need is more stupid shit from the kappa. Hakkai might believe me, though."_

"_What about the one you left behind in the new dimension?"_

"_Why the hell would I tell __**him**__ anything?" he demanded. "That asshole is trying his damned hardest to complicate my life more than it already has been!"_

"_Well, actually, it seems as though he's trying his best __**not**__ to complicate things further, but if he really is a Chaos deity, then isn't it only natural that things will become more complicated before they become less?"_

_He stared at her for a long, irritated moment, then growled softly, "I think I'm glad that I'm disappearing from this place."_

"_You'll miss it once you're gone."_

_Guinness' job would have ended there. The confidence in her voice was simply infuriating, but before he could come up with a sharp enough retort, there was a sudden, jarring tug somewhere in his cardiovascular cavity, and the last thing he saw before he vanished was Shelly's amused smirk._

_Goddammit, he would __**not**__ miss that place! Ever!_

* * *

**(Inside a Troubled Mind)**

Something was wrong. I knew this because time was acting funny, jumping at odd moments or stopping altogether until I reminded it that there were still things that needed doing, and that stopping the flow of history might have adverse effects on the dimensional plane. Time was an ornery old bastard, never listening to REASON until the voice threatened to synchronize all the clocks in the world and make them ring all at once.

That was the other problem: REASON was talking more often than before, and more pressing than even _that,_ all of my other voices were chatting it up, too, as though my brain had become a pot-luck social while I wasn't looking. The noise in my head made it harder to sort out my own thoughts, thus resulting in some strange and disturbing urges.

For the life of me, to this day, I have no Idea why I thought the Abominable Snowman had been stealing Mr. Ed's peanut butter, even though everyone—including myself—knew damn well that the culprit was Bigfoot.

_This stew's pretty good,_ HAPPINESS sighed, enjoying Hakkai's and Goku's combined efforts towards our vittles.

_It could use a little more salt, though,_ added SPITE.

_Hey, don't diss Hakkai's cooking, _ANGER argued. _It was probably Goku's fault, anyway. The kid eats so much that his taste buds must be dead by now._

"Oy, Goku did a marvelous job with the meat tenderizer!" I snapped, setting my spoon down in my offended state.

_Granted, but Hakkai's slipping if he failed at such an elementary stage in the cooking process. Goku, we can forgive, but that's just shameful for Monocle._

I rapped on my skull and and growled darkly, "I swear I'll kill you, REASON. The voice of sanity is moot if it makes wild and stupid remarks like that without reevaluating the situation. Maybe there wasn't enough salt! Did you even consider the possibility?!" I was screaming at that point.

"Lydia, are you okay?"

I flinched and looked up at Solitus, who had paused in the middle of his meal and was now frowning at me in concern.

"ANGER was being rude," I explained, "and REASON has lost the very thing which identifies it. My subordinates are in disarray, for some bizarre reason. I blame the Bumble. It's his magical fur—one brush and all the world's toothpaste won't save you from your tragic dental fate."

_Maybe telling them about the arguments in your head is a bad thing? _REASON pointed out with a tired tone.

"If I want to talk about it, then by George, it shall be done!" I hissed to my own ear with a hand over my mouth.

"Who the hell is George?" Gojyo muttered in confusion.

"The king of England, I assume...though, he may already be dead." I resumed partaking of vittles and Water Boy hid his involuntary sweatdrop from my line of sight.

Nobody else seemed willing to carry the conversation any further than that. Even Goku was trying not to meet my gaze. A nagging feeling told me that things were going screw-loose in my cranium, but the reason behind my disassociation eluded me like a spiteful imp dancing at the edge of an enchanted forest guarded by the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Bears.

Goldilocks and Granny were nowhere to be seen. I could only hope that they were still alive, but screwing with bears and wolves was a stupid idea, and I didn't have enough grenades to fend off the beasts.

They were on their own, then. _Semper Fi,_ Granny. Goldilocks.

I finished my food in silence, listening to the pointless conversations and arguments in my head while REASON tried to keep the order, to no avail. Sometimes it was best to let them go until they were satisfied, so I didn't bother helping. Besides, the external presences didn't seem to share my belief that the internal arguments were a normal occurrence. Explanations were a pain in the ass, so I didn't bother with it.

As I set my dish down and killed some time watching the fire, I heard a rustle in the woods behind me, and went on high alert.

_Intruders!_ ANGER immediately leapt to that one conclusion, and I leapt into action just as quickly.

"Close off all exits! Protect His Majesty!" I cried, springing over the log upon which I had been sitting, and sprinting towards the Land Rover. "The enemy has fuzzy white hair! Kill on sight!"

_Roger!_ responded every voice in my head, barricading my mental fortress in preparation for war.

I reached the car and nearly ripped the driver's door off its hinges in my haste, diving across and grabbing Ryushi while Ichigo banshee-screamed some nonsense about "monsters" coming to devour his flesh.

"Can't talk now!" I explained in a rush. "Gotta protect the King from the PBJ bandit!"

At that, I slid back out and took off into the forest.

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Konran's Worst Fear)**_

_While Konran sat waiting for Rika to return and for Sanzo to be revived by the frightening soup brought in by Madman Jan, he could do nothing but sit in a folding chair beside the monk's cot and worry. There were a million things which worried him, but there was only one which scared him all to hell._

_Unfortunately for the God of Chaos, while Jan was "treating" Sanzo, he felt a sharp twinge right in the middle of his head and froze in terror as that one thing happened._

"_Augh! She's off her meds!" he cried in desperation, sensing the power already flowing through the gateway between them._

_It felt good to have his power back, but Lydia was so much more important than that. He had to get back as soon as possible...wait...an emptiness hit him near his side and he reached over automatically, only to find that nothing happened._

_WHY WAS HIS SWORD GONE?!_

"_Sanzo, you pitiful bastard, get your ass back to the world of the living **right now!**" he screamed, shoving the cook aside and shaking the priest hard enough to kill a baby._

_Much to his surprise, the monk immediately responded, shooting a hand up and grabbing the god's throat in a Kung-Fu death grip. "You fucking asshole, how dare you bring me back before I chew out that Shelly bitch!" Sanzo seethed as the light returned to his violent amethyst eyes. "I have unfinished business!"_

"_Okongi! It worked!" Jan called into the tent, standing as though nothing were amiss, and bringing the soup back in. "Give this to the corpses, and they'll come right back."_

_At that moment, Kon couldn't help but feel that his life was absolutely ridiculous._

"_Oy, jackass!" the monk growled, shaking the god in anger when he realized that he was being ignored. "I'll make you pay for that. I'll make it so that you beg to die before I kill you. I'll kill you as many times as it takes—fuck all that 'god' shit. Not even immortality will save you!"_

"_Kill me later! We've got a crisis!" snapped Chaos, prying Sanzo's hand off and stepping back to avoid a repeat performance._

_That got his attention, and Sanzo took a moment to reconsider. "What kind of crisis?" he growled snappishly._

"_I think Lydia isn't taking her medication. If it goes on like this, it could screw up your world. She's letting too much power through to this dimension—enough to cause an overbalance of energy."_

_The god's eyes conveyed enough sheer terror to let the monk know that it wasn't a lie, and with a vehement curse, he swung his legs over the side of the cot and dug out a cigarette. "Fine. What do we do to prevent that from happening?"_

"_We need to get back...but wait, that girl said that returning might be dangerous." Konran wanted to scream, but forced the desire down into the pit of his stomach once he realized that the whole screaming thing might come off as helpless and stupid in the Sanzo priest's eyes. Instead, he looked to Hanyuu. "Hey, when is Rika getting back?"_

_The little goddess smiled, and Sanzo gave Kon a leer which said plainly that he was questioning the god's sanity. "Oh, she's already here," she responded. The monk couldn't see the goddess._

"_Oy, I don't need you going insane, too," the priest snapped. "Why the hell should we be worried about getting back?! And who the hell are you talking to?!"_

"_He is perfectly sane. You just cannot see." The both of them flinched and looked to the side, spotting the little girl in ceremonial garb._

"_Rika! How was the ceremony?" Kon asked in a friendly tone._

_Sanzo just stared at the kid, somewhat derailed by the mature authority in her voice. It was completely mismatched with her adorable little face. "Don't tell me that you're going to let some little brat tell you what to do," he growled at the god, brushing away the bad feeling he was starting to get. "That's fucking weak, even for a whipping post."_

"_Shut up, Sanzo," muttered Konran, shooting him an unusually defiant glare. "While you were off befriending strange women in the netherworld, I was here panicking and trying to figure out what to tell Goku when I returned with news of your death. Just be thankful that Seiten Taisei isn't going to throw a hissy fit over you in your absence."_

"_What the hell do you know about that monkey?!" the monk exploded._

"_If I may interrupt," Rika interjected loudly, forcing the argument to a close, "we have only so much time for explanations before the cycle repeats itself."_

_The ominous air to that statement made them both focus their attention on the little girl once more._

"_What cycle?" ventured Chaos, almost hesitating. It was bound to be bad news._

_She gave the both of them a long, heavy stare, then said with equal gravity, "For many, many years, I've been trapped in the same time loop, and each loop ends with my death. However, you two are foreign elements. It is entirely possible that the nature of this game has changed with your advent, and if that is true, then the only way you can escape is by finding a break in the loop."_

"_And what's that supposed to mean?" demanded Sanzo._

_Her sharp eyes landed on him. "It means that there is a high possibi0lity that, if you are not careful, you will become trapped in this self-repeating Hinamizawa, as I have been."_

* * *

_**(Comedy vs. Crazy)**_

_Yumoa gaped in horror as he watched Lydia leap into her hunt for things which didn't exist (in this dimension). It was worse than he'd thought, and he still had no idea where her medication was. Chances were, she had forgotten the psychotics in the last town. As sanity slipped away, so did the recollection that there were many important pills necessary for her continued stability._

_He could already feel the cracks in her mind opening wider, letting more power leak through to Chaos, wherever he was._

_Lydia vanished into the forest shouting a war cry meant for hunting Abominable Snowmen, and Yumoa looked at everyone else for some support. "Hey, someone help me chase her down!" he cried, frustrated that nobody had bothered to get up._

_Only Hakkai met his eyes, and responded flatly, "This is beyond out abilities." His smile was more intimidating than a rabid wolf._

"_Er...could you just...well, could someone come with me, then?" Comedy asked slowly. "Moral support and all that jazz?"_

_Goku set his empty bowl down with a clink, then stood. "I'll go. I kind of get what she's going through, after all."_

_Gojyo couldn't help a snort. "Only you, monkey. Only you."_

"_Actually, I think you're worse." Kougaiji gave Goku a poignant look, and the boy chuckled nervously._

"_Yeah...I'm really sorry 'bout that."_

"_No time for talking!" Before anybody could object, Yumoa grabbed Goku by the cape and ushered him along into the forest. "Lydia's losing fries like there's no tomorrow, and we gotta restrain her before she hurts herself!" _(1)

"_I'd be more worried about anyone who got in her way, actually," came a third voice not far behind._

_The god looked over his shoulder and was surprised to see Solitus keeping pace behind them. "Why are __**you**__ following us?!"_

_The Klone shrugged as he ran, and gave a weak laugh. "Well, it's kind of written in my genes, thanks to Konran. I can't help myself. Don't mind me—I won't get in your way."_

_Comedy had an appropriate retort prepared, but was cut off at that moment by a piercing battle cry not unlike that of Xena, Warrior Princess._

_He blanched. "Get down!"_

_Goku hesitated, but Solitus yanked him down by the collar just as a flash of steel whipped over where their necks had been a nanosecond earlier. They tumbled to the ground and scrambled away, and as soon as they vacated their spot, another attack crashed down behind them ._

_Lydia had lost it completely. "Don't think you can hide, you bastard!" she sneered, twirling her sword overhead and whipping it forward to point at Yumoa. "Have at ye, Bumble scum! The theft of mine King's buttery peanuts shan't be forgiven so easily!"_

"_Ah, this is bad." Concentrating on the space at his left hip, Comedy reached across and pulled the white katana from its dimensional pocket, bringing it to bear in preparation for battle. "Lyds, it's me!" he called hopefully. "You remember your friend Comedy, right?"_

_Her glare grew even more venomous. "Slippery fiend, thou hast donned the guise of mine comrade to dull my senses! I can well see through thine tricks!" Without waiting for a response, she flew forward with a flurry of offensive attacks, aiming only for killing points._

_It happened too quickly for the god to further insist that he wasn't a mythical creature of wintry climes, and he had no choice but to fight back._

_Solitus and Goku looked on as though it were the fight of the century on pay-per-view, mouths hanging open in awe of the amazing duel. Yumoa's technique was graceful and fluid, like the coils of an enlightened dragon; whereas Lydia's attacks were the brutal advances of a pissed-off tigress. They leapt about, evenly matched, both trying to gain the upper hand with clever strikes in the opponent's blind spots, and both too keen to allow that to happen._

_However, after the first fifteen minutes, Goku became fidgety, and asked Solitus slowly, "Um...this sure is takin' a while, huh?"_

_The Klone nodded , just as slowly. "Indeed."_

"_D'ya think we should try and stop them?"_

_Solitus gave him an utterly thunderstruck frown. "Are you crazy? Granted, I'm not happy with the turnout, but there's no way in hell I'm putting myself in the middle of something this insane."_

"_What if one of 'em gets hurt?" the monkey asked, somewhat disturbed. "What if one of them dies?"_

"_Yumoa is a god—he'll be fine. If Lydia dies...well, I guess we'll give her a proper service and celebrate her life."_

"_You're pretty cold for someone who tried ta take her from Kon."_

"_I'm the sane one, remember? I know my limits. I draw the line at crazy-ass sword fights over the Abominable Snowman's peanut butter-related kleptomania and its effects on old television shows."_

"_Oh...huh, I guess that makes sense, if you say it like that..."_

"_It still bothers me, though. This is a bad kind of fight." He and Goku scooted further away when he lost a few hairs on Lydia's sword._

"_Yeah. Lydia's seriously tryin' to kill Yumoa, but Yumoa doesn't wanna hurt her. That's dangerous. All he can do is dodge."_

"_You're a rather seasoned fighter, aren't you?"_

_The monkey let out a sigh that sounded much older than he looked. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."_

_Solitus nodded his acknowledgment and focused back on the sword fight. Lydia had gained the upper hand by the slightest bit, and Comedy had no choice but to go on the defensive, but it didn't take long at all for him to turn the tables once more and start forcing the girl back into a corner. Neither the Klone nor Goku had any idea as to how they could restrain Lydia without hurting her, yet Comedy didn't seem worried at all._

"_Ah, it's been awhile!" the god laughed, dodging an attack with his teleportation ability and reappearing behind her. "Kon never practices with me anymore."_

"_Shut ye trap, abomination! I'll 'ave ye head on a pike! I'll paint yer blue blood on me door and guarantee the safety of me firstborn!"_

_Goku and Solitus frowned at the same time, then looked at each other. "Firstborn?" asked the Klone._

"_Kon said it wasn't possible," the Sage responded. "That's why Sanzo's lettin' them both live."_

"_I see. She's really lost it, then."_

_With that issue solved, they continued monitoring the fight from a safe place and wondering what exactly Yumoa was planning. It had taken some serious observation and thought, but at this point it was obvious to everyone that Comedy was a brighter bulb than they were comfortable with. It was only logical that he had a plan. _

_The fight dragged on and on, to the point where Goku was getting bored, and Solitus wanted to take a nap..._

_And then Lydia collapsed. _

_Just like that—right in the middle of a rather energetic slash-and-slander attack._

_Goku's eye twitched. "Wha-...you're kiddin' me, right? Hey, Yumoa! What's goin' on here! You never hit her, not even once!"_

_Comedy swung the blunt edge of the katana up to rest on his shoulder, and gave a somewhat breathless laugh. "She hasn't been taking her pills—any of her pills. Her blood sugar's so low that it was only a matter of time before she hit 'the wall'." He made air quotes and the two onlookers frowned._

_Indeed. They had thought he was an LED, whilst in reality he was a thousand-watt xenon searchlight._

"_You're pretty creepy sometimes, you know that?" Solitus asked flatly._

_Yumoa slid the sword back into the white scabbard, then returned it to the dimensional pocket in which it belonged. "Yeah, I get that sometimes. Now c'mon and help me get her back to the car."_

* * *

_**(Unnoticed Observers)**_

"_Did you just see that?" Seimei asked the Doctor, gawking as Solitus helped Yumoa carry the unconscious Lydia back while Goku led the way. "Is that part of the disturbance?"_

_Hwan frowned. "No...that was just her, I think. She would make an interesting test subject, as well. I'm glad I got that blood sample, but Regina is rather disappointing."_

"_No kiddin'. How 'bout Solitus?"_

"_I think the personality adjustments were a little too much. He's far too docile to be of any use to us, unless, of course, he manages to do something amazing."_

_The clone laughed softly. "Somehow, I don't believe that's possible."_

_The Doctor nodded with a relenting sigh. "Point taken. Shall we retire to camp? I'm rather hungry."_

_They both stood and started back towards their own little campground. "I'll heat up some water and we can have ramen," Seimei offered._

"_Ugh...this will be the third time in two days. I hope those idiots reach a settlement soon. I can't take much more of this ridiculous menu. At least Houtou castle had decent food."_

_Seimei smiled tightly, bothered by her discomfort. "I'll spruce it up somehow. Rest is more important, anyway. They're still going at the monk's grueling pace, so even I'm feeling worn out."_

"_I understand completely. This is my punishment for staying inside all the time, for certain." She combed the tangled strands of hair from her face and tied them back with a rubber band. "It can't be helped, though. Observation is my job. I can't return without good news."_

"_When we're done with dinner, I'll give you a shoulder rub, and then you'll be ready for anything," the clone suggested hopefully._

"_Shut up. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you right out if I think you're too much of a burden," she responded without skipping a beat._

_Seimei sighed, defeated once again. "Yes, ma'am."_

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Relief)**_

_Just as Kon was finding himself stuck between two crises at once, the flow of power simply stopped, and he flinched when Sanzo smacked him with the fan to get his attention._

"_Why the hell do you keep spacing out like that?!" growled the angry monk. _

_The god rubbed the aching spot on his head and leered at the man. "Lydia's right—you've lined that thing with lead strips, haven't you?" Sanzo made to swing again, but Konran was prepared this time, and—WHAM! "Argh! What the hell?! Why can't I dissipate?!" he cried in surprise._

"_What?" Sanzo looked at the fan, then at the god, realizing that it was a little odd how Konran hadn't been able to avoid the second strike. "Maybe that little girl can explain."_

"_Maybe...oh, and the energy flow just dropped off. I guess those guys aren't completely useless, after all."_

_The priest gave him an unenthusiastic frown. "No. They really are completely useless."_

_Rika cleared her throat for the third time in the past thirty seconds, and at last gained their undivided attention. "This is important, so it would be best if you paid attention," she informed them. "This town is being separated from the surrounding area, time-wise. All those who appear during this time frame are caught in the loop, and Hanyuu and I have yet to learn the cause."_

"_What affect does this have on us?" Kon asked, still massaging his injuries and inwardly marveling at Goku, Gojyo, and Lydia's ability to bear the lead-lined fan's recurring attentions._

"_You say that you are a god of Chaos, but this world is governed by a short set of rules. It is possible that your very nature is being repressed by these rules."_

"_So what about him getting us back to my dimension?" asked Sanzo, somehow unable to growl at the little girl._

_Rika shook her head and looked to Hanyuu, who shrugged. "We've never seen you here before, so we don't know how it will work," the latter replied helplessly, wearing a deeply apologetic frown. "All we can do is test it. Even if you can get out, the distortion might cause you to come out on yet another unfamiliar plane."_

"_There is also the Hinamizawa Syndrome to consider, as well," Rika added gravely._

_Sanzo shot her a piercing leer. "And that would be?"_

"_It is a disease which causes extreme paranoia and madness in people who have been here and left the village limits." She sighed, seemingly remembering something unpleasant. "And I am at the center of it all. When I die, the Syndrome appears here within forty-eight hours, and all the villagers are driven mad."_

"_That's kind of fucked up."_

"_Yes...well, I would rather you not become caught up in this mess, so I shall try and help you escape before I die."_

_Konran didn't like that idea. "Isn't there something we can do to help you?"_

_She gave him an absolutely uncompromising stare. "This is my problem. I shall not risk the lives of my friends, nor shall I risk your lives. I will handle this as I see fit. After all, I have many retries if things go wrong."_

"_If you insist, then we can't force you," muttered the priest, though it was more than obvious that he had no intention of getting involved in the least. "If you can help us get away, we'd appreciate it."_

"_Is there anything necessary for your transportation?"_

_Chaos frowned at Sanzo, but the monk ignored him, and he turned to Rika and Hanyuu with a sigh. "I'll need a full-length mirror to open the portal."_

_They nodded. "Follow us, then."_

* * *

_**(Outside a Troubled Mind)**_

_When Lydia woke up from her diabetic coma, her mind had cleared just enough that she didn't immediately jump to her feet and resume her hunt for the Abominable Snowman. This was a good thing. However, this was the extent of her stability. _

_Yumoa, fortunately, had had the brilliant insight necessary to fetch her favorite pillow from the back of the Land Rover, and upon waking, she was content to cuddle the fluffy sleeping implement and remain prone._

_Goku, Gojyo, Yumoa, and Solitus were taking turns guarding the campsite—a job which focused mainly on making sure that the girl wasn't rampaging off in the woods. It was Solitus' turn when she regained consciousness, and he sat near the campfire, a few feet away from Lydia, while he ate a peach which Goku had found in the forest._

_It took a few minutes, but the Klone heard soft noises coming from behind, and turned to see the girl holding her pillow tightly, her face buried against the softness._

"_Ah, you're awake," he murmured, moving his sleeping bag roll backwards and settling beside her. "How do you feel?"_

_She seemed to consider replying, then lifted her head and said quietly, "Where's Konran?"_

_Solitus was at a loss. "He's not here, remember? Loki sent him away."_

"_I miss him. Why does it hurt?"_

_The Klone frowned. "He'll come back soon, and we'll keep an eye on you until then. You should worry more about your health, though. Konran would be upset if he knew that you were skipping your medication."_

_Lydia paused, then slapped a hand over her face. "I knew I was forgetting something," she muttered darkly._

"_That's quite the thing to forget. Even Yumoa had trouble fending off your attacks."_

_She shook her head. "I…well, Kon's the one always reminding me. I almost never took them before I met him. Life's been pretty stable with him around..." The lonely equivalent trailed off and frowned, squeezing her pillow for comfort. "I want Kon."_

_It hurt him to see her this way. Even though he knew it was because of Konran's DNA, he couldn't help it. Fortunately, before he did anything stupid, there was a tap on his shoulder, and Gojyo appeared beside him._

"_Shift change," the kappa said with a knowing smirk._

_Solitus thankfully stood with his sleeping bag. "I'll be taking my leave, then. Goodnight, Lydia," he bade, before tossing his peach pit into the flames and taking a spot on the other side of the fire. He just needed to sleep and avoid anymore alone situations with her. Even a logical mind such as his had its weak points._

"_G'night," the girl replied, before frowning as Gojyo set his own sleeping bag down and lit up a Hi-Lite. "I need my meds. Any idea where they are?"_

_The water sprite shook his head, swishing the crimson ponytail around like a separate, living entity. "Yumoa checked all the baggage, but no luck. He said he's gonna head back to your realm for a bit and try to get the prescriptions refilled, but since there's a lot of them, it might be a little difficult." He glanced thoughtfully at her. "By the way, I thought Yumoa couldn't go back without Kon's help."_

_Lydia gazed blankly at the fire, feeling guilty over just about everything. "After Chitsujo was defeated, Akhlys summoned Comedy to Tartarus and granted him the ability to pass between dimensions without the assistance of a _Deus Naturae. _He's been using it to bring over crazy stuff to keep us entertained. That's where the generator back at that one town came from."_

_She fell silent, remembering all the things that had happened in that place. So much of her dead past had been exhumed, but in exchange, she'd finally figured out what Kon meant to her._

"_My chest hurts..." she whispered softly, fighting the tears._

_Gojyo wanted to do something to help her, but simply couldn't. He couldn't hunt down Loki or cross dimensions or generate a psychic link with the god or..._

_His eyes went wide in realization, and turned to her in earnest. "Hey, you said that you can kind of sense Konran, right? That the two of you have some kind of mental connection?"_

"_Yeah. What about it?" She wiped her eyes and gave him a scrutinizing stare._

"_Then why don't you try and see if you can link up with him? Yumoa said that you were leaking power to him earlier. That means you're still connected, doesn't it?"_

_She blinked in surprise. "Oh. I hadn't even thought of that...you're smarter than you look, playboy."_

_The kappa grinned proudly. "Of course I am. It's my trump card, kiddo." He made a shooing motion. "Go on, give it a try."_

_Desperate to make it work, she closed her eyes tight and told REASON to open up the furthest recesses of her mind just a little. "A crack is fine. Just enough to hear his voice," she murmured under her breath._

_At first, all she could hear were the muffled echoes of voices speaking quietly to each other in her head. It was like staring down an unlit tunnel, where the only visible shapes were the strange lights and discolorations caused by imperfections in the average human eye. However, after focusing harder on the supposed path of the power she channeled to him, she caught the faintest glimmer of Konran's voice at the other end._

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Contact)**_

"_Dammit, it's not working," Konran grumbled, glaring at the mirror before him in displeasure. "I've got a vague visual, but the distortion is impossibly heavy. If we took the mirror now, there's no telling where we'd end up. What the hell kind of town is this? It's ridiculous—even Togenkyo isn't this screwed up, yet you still haven't imploded."_

"_Now do you see the problem?" Rika asked from her seat on the cushion behind him. With the festival almost over, everybody was at the riverbank, setting their cotton afloat on the waters. For a short while, the temple was devoid of external interruptions. _

"_Yes, but still, this is such a strange distortion," the god replied, folding his arms and studying the image. "It's insanely dense, but in the last two minutes, it's lightened up the tiniest bit. Could it have something to do with your time loop, do you think?"_

_Sanzo frowned. "Hold on. If it's getting lighter, and it **is **tied to the time loop, then wouldn't that mean the distortion will probably disappear when the loop recycles?"_

_Rika nodded her concurrence, and Konran made a so-so gesture. "It's possible, but we'd have to monitor the distortion until the point of reversion to make sure," he answered. "Rika and Hanyuu, can I stay here for the time being and keep watch?"_

"_Only if the other priestesses do not see you. Outsiders are forbidden to enter."_

_He smiled. " I can handle at least that much. Sanzo, why don't you go get something to eat? This'll take awhile."_

_The monk sighed in irritation and finally nodded. "Fine."_

"_I'll show him back to the festival grounds, then bring him back, okay?" Rika offered, reverting to her more appropriate, childlike voice, and smiling adorably. She took Sanzo's hand before he could say no and tugged him along. "I need to make an appearance, too, or Satoko will worry."_

"_Oy, let go!" protested the monk, while Kon waved them off._

_Once he was alone, he turned back to the mirror with a frustrated groan and leered at the shimmering, silver-blue surface. "Damn you, Loki. I'll get you for taking me away from Lydia." His worry was so immense that it was giving him a headache, but there was nothing else he could do. If only he could contact her..._

Kon?

_He frowned. "And now I'm hearing voices in my head," he muttered darkly. "Fitting, I suppose."_

Chaos! Is that you?!

_Recognition hit him then, and he stared in surprise at the mirror. It wasn't possible, but..._

_Well, if he was crazy anyway, then what difference would it make? "Lydia?" he ventured slowly, talking to the mirror. "Can you hear me?"_

_Silence, then:_

You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you when you come back! I'll cut your innards out with a steak knife and garland the Christmas tree with them! I'll feed your brain to the neighbor's temperamental Pomeranian! I'll beat you until you can't even blink, until the blood gushes from your ears like twin waterfalls!

_Ah. Yes, it was Lydia, all right. There must have been enough of a gap in the distortion to allow communication, then; and their personal bond as equivalents was probably fortifying it, he supposed._

"_Princess, I'm so sorry! I'm at a mirror right now, but Loki trapped us in a dimension filled with strange distortion and I can't get this damn thing to let Sanzo through! It's so bad that even I can't seem to escape." Just hearing her voice, his headache evaporated. He was too happy for words._

I don't give a damn about all that. Come home. Now.

_Her voice was strange. "Lydia? Are you okay?" he asked softly, already knowing the most probable answer. _

_She was quiet for the longest time, so long that he feared the connection had been severed. _

"_Lydia, are you still there?!" he shouted._

Stupid. Of course I'm still here. How come you're not?

"_What?"_

Come home, Chaos. I need you here, okay? Quit screwing around in other dimensions and get your ass over here!

_This time there was no mistaking it. She was crying over there, and his heart was breaking as a result. "I want to Princess. I really do, but the distortion is blocking my way. I'm sorry, but it's impossible right now."_

That's not good enough, ass-hat! Do you have any idea what it was like for me to wake up alone? It was so cold, and then I forgot my meds at the last town, and I can't pretend you're still here because I know that you're not. My brain isn't letting me pretend anymore! There's no drugs to stop it! I need you, you stupid god. Damn it all to hell, but I need you with me!

_She was sobbing now, and Chaos had no idea what to do to ease her pain. Skipping her medication meant that there were no antidepressants in her system, which, as a result, meant that her symptoms would just get worse under this much stress. "Please stop crying," he whispered, reaching his own emotional limit. "I know I'm a bastard and I know I'm a complete failure as your divine equivalent, but I love you so much, Lydia, and hearing you cry is killing me inside." The last time he'd felt this kind of pain was when his mother had first spoken to her and tricked her into hating him. It was too soon to feel it again._

I'm really losing it, Chaos. I miss you. I miss your mocha. I miss pulling your hair. I miss feeling you next to me while I'm sleeping...you've been gone too long. I can't handle this. I finally let myself love you, and now you're gone. If you vanish for good, I'll probably go under again, and there's no telling whether I'll make it back out this time.

"_Princess, I love you, and come hell or high water, I will come back, but it'll take some time. I think the distortion is temporary. I'll come home to you soon, but you can wait just a little while longer, can't you?"_

I don't know. I can try, but...my brain can't stop thinking. It's noisy. I need my pills.

"_Can you sleep, then? Time will pass more quickly, and the noise will die down for a little while."_

I know, but...even if Yumoa's there, it's not the same. I keep having nightmares—the ones that stopped after we started sharing the bed.

_He thought about it as hard as he could, trying to come up with a way to distract her. Then the obvious hit him like a lead fist. "If that's the case, then I'll stay here and talk to you while I wait for the distortion to clear. Is that enough? We can talk until you're asleep, and I'll wait here as long as it takes for the path to open up, okay? As soon as it's clear, Sanzo and I will head straight over."_

You can do that?

"_I'll do whatever it takes to ease your mind, Princess."_

I see...thank you, Chaos. I love you.

"_I love you, too. What do you want me to talk about?"_

Tell me about what you and Sanzo have been doing over there. It'll take my mind off of things. Make it funny. Laughing makes the brain shut up.

_He smiled at the helplessness in her voice. He was ashamed to admit it, but he was just a little happy that she missed him to the point of madness. She really did care about him. "All right. I suppose I'll start with how we got here, then..." he began._

_He hoped Sanzo was starving, because Kon didn't want to share these delicate moments with anyone else, especially not the angry monk._

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

**(1) **_Yumoa is alluding to the phrase "A few fries short of a Happy Meal". Huh, Yumoa's kinda clever, isn't he?_

_Ahoy there. I've got a question: What, in your opinion, has been the funniest moment so far in The Sequel?_

_Mine: Chapter 26, when Kon says, "Princess...they're screaming."_

_For some reason, I crack up every damn time. It was so perfectly executed. Another good one is in crack chapter 21 with my cameo where Sanzo eats the spicy food and screams, "**Wagha fakshin da shiggen?!**" I forgot to translate it for you, so here it is: "What the fuck's in the chicken?!"_

_...until next chapter! R&R, por favor!!_

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	29. Iamb: Trickster Treatise Gaming God

**The Sequel: Chapter XXIX (Current Mood: Havarti)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_Yes, I'm still alive and kicking—like a cockroach you can't seem to destroy. Some people wanted to know what Kon did to Artemis, as mentioned by Ares awhile back, so I thought about it and came up with the perfect thing. Hope you enjoy it. In addition, I themed this chapter using a children's nursery rhyme. Guess which one._

_By the way, I finally made good on a promise to myself—at the end of this chapter, I'll introduce you all to my beloved Gintama._

_Reviews feed the Scribble Gland! Yoroshiku!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."—Voltaire_

"_I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live."—Socrates (he was later executed for heresy)_

"_Words are all we have."—Samuel Beckett_

"_Two plus two is CHICKEN!"—comedian Brian Regan, "The Epitome of Hyperbole" (He pronounced it "The epi-TOHM of hyper-BOWL")_

"_Virgos with beards who are brushing their teeth...will die today."—Horoscope in Gintama, pertaining specifically to Kondo-san_

"_I've got an organ that's more important to me than my heart. You can't see it, but it's in me. And it's all that holds me up. It's why I can stand up straight, and walk straight, even when I'm bleeding and dizzy. If I run now...it'll tear in half. My soul...will tear in half."—Sakata Gintoki, Gintama, "Lesson 43: All Men Are Romantics"_

* * *

_**Iamb: Trickster Treatise Gaming God**_

_**(Houtou Castle—The Petite Arthropod)**_

_Lady Koushu, for once, had no high-ranking lackeys smart enough to obey her commands to find Kougaiji and detain him. Yes, Lirin had come back unharmed—how that had happened even now eluded her meticulous information network—but she was still angry that the girl had run off in the first place. Someone needed to take the fall, or the underlings would start to think she had gone soft._

_Naturally, the fall guy she had in mind was Kougaiji, the son of that wall-wench. She had all kinds of ingenious torments in store for the boy. However, even his two subordinates had no idea where he was._

_All that torture and not a shred of information. After the first few days, she had gotten bored and sent them to be treated in the infirmary. Even Lirin couldn't fight her mood swings._

_So there she sat pondering, on the catwalk suspended in front of her beloved, and waiting for someone useful to show up. Ni Jianyi was out gathering information on that Hazel character, Hwan was out chasing geese (apparently), and Wang was too bizarre to be of any use to the self-proclaimed queen of the castle. Lady Koushu was getting sick of her people. She needed some fresh blood or nothing would ever go right._

"_Ah, you must be the one turning this realm into a pretzel!" a voice suddenly exclaimed from the shadows at one end of the catwalk._

_Koushu almost gave a start, but years of pretending to be badass stopped her from damaging her immense pride._

"_Who goes there?!" she demanded instead, letting loose her poorly-disguised rage-against-all-living-things._

_As she glared wrathfully into the shadows, a figure moved just beyond the floodlights, taking its sweet time stepping into the open._

"_Hey, there. You're Gyokumen Koushu, right?" Loki inquired with a quirky grin. "I was just taking a tour, and wow. You've really got it going on, don't you? All those machines...I don't even know what they're for, but they look pretty interesting."_

_She frowned, recognizing the strange air he gave off, and said slowly, "Is that you, Yumoa?"_

_He grinned. "Nah, but I __**am **__his dad. Pleased to meet you. I'm Loki, the Trickster."_

_Lady Koushu just stared. For once, the weirdness had gotten the best of her._

_Loki continued as though she weren't too baffled to speak, "I'm the one making all the awesome things happen around this dimension, apart from that minus wave thingamajig you're sending out. I have my sprites working their magic all over the place, actually. Their specialty is in visual illusions, but they can do some dimensional warping, too, if I ask nicely." He grinned craftily and held out a hand, and in it appeared a small, gremlin-esque creature with huge, glowing blue eyes and so much soft black fur that the eyes were the only discernible body parts. It was like a dust bunny with peepers. "I call this one Pooky," chuckled the troublemaking semi-god._

_Slowly, Gyokumen Koushu shifted her gaze from the painfully cute fuzzball to its master. "What business could you possibly have here?" she asked warily, trying to figure out if he was serious or just stupid._

"_I heard you made a copy of my boy, and was wondering if I could meet him. Sure, some other bastard god's got his DNA mixed in, but he's still got my traits, right?" He seemed hopeful._

"_All of the clones have either escaped or gone on missions," she replied. "Even their creator is missing."_

_Loki frowned, deflated, then closed his fist around Pooky and made the little creature vanish with a squeak. "Huh. Damn, and I was all excited, too. Well, sorry to bother you. I'll just be on my way, then."_

"_Wait, is that really all you came to do?" the crafty youkai pseudo-queen asked quickly._

"_Well, if the other one's not here, then yeah. I can see you're busy thinking or something. I won't be a bother."_

"_Why not assist me with a little errand, then? In return, I shall allow you the use of my observation and tracking equipment to help you find what you seek." She had an idea to get things moving again. If this stranger really was Yumoa's father, then he was also a god. If she had a god to assist her, she could easily speed up the revival, and hunt down Kougaiji for some much-needed stress relief._

_Her offer visibly piqued the Trickster's interest, and he blinked. "Really? You'll do that for me? I don't know what I might be able to help you with, but if you'll be kind enough to lend me your equipment, then I'll do whatever I can."_

_Gyokumen Koushu smiled, a curling, almost evil smile to convey her satisfaction with his response. "It would be much appreciated. As a god, you should easily be able to quickly fetch Kougaiji...and revive my precious Gyumaoh."_

* * *

**(The Campsite—4AM—A Vertical Climb)**

For a long time, I listened to Kon's recount of what had been going on wherever he was. His smooth tenor made even the voices shut up and listen avidly. Little by little, my tensed muscles began to relax, soothed by his story. He'd had a hard time, and so had Sanzo, what with the crazy Japanese/Chinese chef and the kid with the bread that killed people and sent him to come otherworldly cabaret.

I couldn't help smiling. Everything about our lives was simply ridiculous, and the absurdity was so extreme that laughter was the only way for any of us to properly cope. After all, I was in love with a Greek god, who was at that moment trapped in some anime dimension where people became paranoid schizophrenics when one little girl died, while I was trapped in some manga-ka's spruced-up version of The Journey to the West.

"Hey, Chaos," I murmured softly, staring at the fire while Gojyo poked at the embers and pretended that he wasn't eavesdropping on everything I said.

_Yes?_

"Thank you for all the things you've done for me up to this point." I huddled closer to my pillow, wishing it were him. I was in desperate need of a hug, but at the moment, my pillow would have to suffice.

Konran sighed a little, then gave an ironic laugh. _It makes me happy that you can appreciate my existence at all, despite the hell you're going through right now. I assume Comedy has gone to refill your scripts?_

I nodded, though I knew he couldn't see. "Yeah. I hope he comes back soon. I need something warm to hang onto right now. He's not you, but he's been a good friend for a long time, and I trust him."

_He's worth your trust. Hell, even I don't mind, and I can be one seriously jealous bastard when the time is right._

"You're cute like that."

I could almost feel him smirk at my comment. The connection was getting a little bit clearer than it had been in the beginning. _I prefer the term funny over cute,_ he chuckled.

I sighed, feeling so much more refreshed now that I knew he was okay. Thoughts of peanut butter and Bumbles were a million miles away. It was almost as if he contributed directly to the amount of sanity I was capable of retaining. "Kon, promise me you'll come back as soon as possible," I murmured softly. "And don't you dare ditch Sanzo. He can be a jerk, but he's one of us, and Goku's just as depressed as I am—though his way of expressing it is a little more conventional than a psychotic breakdown."

_You have my solemn word. We'll be back the moment the opportunity presents itself,_ he promised soberly.

"That's my Chaos." I was so relaxed that my body was beginning to realize how exhausted it really was, but I didn't want to sleep yet. As much as I trusted him, I was all too aware of how easily the things I loved could be taken from me. Rafe had taught me that, and although Kon was healing that wound every minute I spent with him, it still ached whenever something poked at it, like a silent reminder that I should be careful. I had to keep a firm grip on the things that were precious to me, or they could easily be taken away.

Kon heard the drowsiness in my tone easily. _You sound tired, Princess. You should really sleep. It will help the time pass more quickly, and you'll feel better in the long run._

"Not until my body forces me asleep," I replied stubbornly. "I miss you, and everyone else is asleep but Gojyo, and Yumoa's not here 'cause he's rustling up my meds." I glanced at Gojyo, who was still feigning deafness and poking at the fire.

Oh, well. I didn't care who heard anymore.

_Why is Gojyo still up?_

"Well, that whole incident earlier when I mistook Yumoa for the Abominable Snowman and tried to harvest his pelt to appease King George kind of freaked everyone out, so I'm being guarded...or maybe everyone else is being guarded from me...or whatever. Anyway, I'm being watched like a hawk."

He was quiet for a moment, then said slowly, _Did Yumoa use my katana to fend you off? Because it was missing for a while, then it came back._

"I don't remember. I just know I fought until I went into a diabetic coma, then woke up here in my sleeping bag with my pillow. I think they're hiding Ryushi from me until they're sure I'm stable again."

_I see...Lydia, you never cease to bore me. Honestly, if you were any more insane, you'd be in prison right now._

"Are you complimenting me or insulting me?" I demanded. "I didn't have my meds, stupid. You know better than anyone how volatile I can be without them."

_I love you when you're off your meds. It's exciting. For most of my life, I've always gotten whatever women I wanted—except for that whole fiasco with Artemis...anyway, I love the challenge you present to me._

A flare of suspicion raised its ugly head. "Eh? What happened with Artemis, anyway? Big Daddy Aries mentioned you pissed her off somehow, but you never explained yourself."

_Are you listening to me or are you going to keep finding tangents to follow?_

I frowned, then grudgingly dropped it. His past didn't matter anymore. What mattered was that he belonged to me now. Once we got home, I was going to tattoo my name, address, and phone number on his neck, just in case he got lost. Or maybe I would get one of those PetFinder chips...or something.

I loved him, but he was also my property now. No one else was allowed to claim him.

_Are you concocting some kind of bizarre plot against me again? I know that creepy silence. Whatever you're thinking, I refuse to allow it, Lydia._

I smirked. "We'll see, Chaos." I thought a bit more, then realized that I really did want to know, even though I forgave him in advance. "Okay, that's it. CURIOSITY is being a pest. What happened with Artemis?"

He was silent for longer than made me comfortable.

"Kon? Kon! Don't scare me, jackass—answer!"

_I'm still here, but...I really don't want to answer your question. You're either going to laugh at me or go on another rampage._

"Fear not. I need a laugh desperately enough to put your pride at risk, and even if I do berserk, Goyjo is a big boy—he can handle it." I smirked evilly at the water sprite, who sweatdropped and went utterly still, preparing to restrain me at a moment's notice. He was still trying to pretend that he wasn't listening in, but the terror on his face was unmistakable.

I could kind of feel Chaos' thoughts moving around, debating the topic. In the end, though, he sighed heavily and muttered reluctantly, _Fine, if it might make you happy, then I'll tell you._

I grinned in expectation.

_Back when I was still fairly young for a god, and still obeying Aphrodite's orders like a servant, I was given an order to seduce Artemis and bring her to Love's side in a massive plot against Hera. They were all warring constantly for one reason or another, and Artemis was always backing the Queen, which pissed Aphrodite off. So, as a result, when the opportunity arose, I was sent to "recruit" the Goddess of the Hunt._

_Well, Artemis is the definition of frigid, so I knew it would be tough, but I had figured that some crazy stunt might work, so... _He fell silent again, clearly ashamed of himself, but after some insistent prodding, he caved.

_I, uh...I hid into her room and tried cornering her...naked. It's easy to sneak around when you can turn into dust, you see...so, er...well, to put it simply, she threw a fit, shot me all to hell with her bow and arrows, and put a bounty on my head. Zeus was not happy, to say the least. He banned me from all social gatherings and branded me as a degenerate. Hera, however, dealt the finishing blow and banished me from Olympus._

Naturally, I started cackling like a loon, amused to no end that he had done something so outrageous to that pure goddess. After a while, though, it became apparent that his pride was significantly damaged, and the laughter slowly died.

"Hey, really, is it something to get all worked up over after this long?" I asked, drying my eyes and trying not to let the stray chuckle past my guard.

_If it hadn't been for my Aunt's ego, I would still be allowed on Olympus with the other gods,_ he murmured quietly. _If it hadn't been for her, I would have been able to live normally and be happy. Instead, I was exiled and abused for millennia. Instead, I became a complete bastard who sacrificed his own earthly equivalents like they were bulls on an altar. Granted, I can't stand the way the Olympian gods live their immortal lives, but a Greek god who isn't allowed to be on Olympus is pathetic. It's like I'm infected with some incurable, virulent disease, and no one wants to come near me._

Had it really bothered him that much? He sounded genuinely upset, and I frowned a little, suddenly ashamed that I had forced him to recall something so painful. "If it's any consolation, you're welcome to stay with me forever," I said without thinking. Then I realized that he was immortal, and I wasn't, and suddenly felt even more guilty. "Ah...I have to die someday, don't I?" I tried to sound nonchalant, but came off a little desperate.

_Eventually, I suppose. Disheartening thought, isn't it? _He gave an ironic laugh. _I suppose we'll have to enjoy ourselves enough for a hundred lifetimes, then, huh?_

"Beginning when you escape Hinamizawa," I replied, smiling sadly. To be perfectly honest, the thought of having to die and leave him alone again made me depressed.

_Ah, Sanzo is back. I'll speak with him, then come back and tell you what the plan is, okay? Sleep if you can in the meantime—you won't be getting much after I come back._ His voice was light, joking. I couldn't tell which of us he was trying to cheer up. Maybe both.

"Okay, then. I'll try." I forced myself to sound tired. "Good night, Chaos."

_Pleasant dreams, my Princess._

I felt him slip away, and frowned into the struggling flames. I was mortal. I hadn't even thought about it until that moment. Someday, I would die, and Chaos would be alone.

I would do to him what Rafe had done to me, and that, more than anything, was killing me inside.

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Precipitation)**_

_Konran closed the link he had made through the mirror and let out a long, heavy sigh. There were just too many things going on all at once for him to be able to properly mull over Lydia's tone at the end. Superficially, he figured that she had just been upset over cutting their conversation short, but there had been a heavier note mixed in. He would have to ask her when the chance presented itself again._

_Instead, at that moment, little Rika entered the room, followed closely by Sanzo. The former was frowning in deep thought—the latter was just smoldering, as usual._

"_Anything useful?" the god asked._

_Sanzo's glower said more than words ever could. It was so expressive that Chaos could determine what had happened, where they had gone, how many people had annoyed him—everything._

_It actually kind of creeped him out._

_Rika sighed a little in the grownup version of her voice, "If it were this simple, then I would have tried bringing all of my friends to safety long ago. However, I am tied to this land because of my human body. The most we could manage was finding something safe to eat. How about you? Is the distortion clearing at all?"_

_Chaos nodded, relieved that there was at least one good thing happening. "I was talking to my equivalent, Lydia, and the longer we talked, the easier it became to hear her voice. I think if we stay within the vicinity of a mirror like this until the moment the cycle repeats, then the distortion will be cleared enough to get through."_

_Sanzo pulled a chair from the dressing table and sat down, giving the little girl an inscrutable frown. "If that's the case, then you'll have to die in order for us to escape," he muttered. It was impossible to tell whether this fact bothered him or not, but by mentioning it at all, the god had to wonder._

_Sanzo wasn't a bad person, but finding that shred of good deep required digging through a skeleton closet packed so tightly with corpses that a HazMat suit would have been necessary attire to even think about it._

_Konran opted out. He'd leave it to the other three—it was their story, anyway._

_Hearing the monk's reiteration of how the escape plan would work, however, brought yet another little girl into the room. Difference was, this little girl wasn't even really there. Only Kon and Rika could see her, actually—though they could also see __**through**__ her._

"_We have no choice," mused Hanyuu, appearing seated on the floor beside Rika and staring off into space. _

"_So you say, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it," argued Chaos. "Whatever is going on here, it's too cruel to just allow to happen over and over again."_

_The monk leered at the only two people he could see in the room, and growled in irritation, "You're talking to someone who isn't there again, aren't you? Cut that shit out, already."_

"_The cycle repeats because we wish to change our fate," Rika explained shortly, ignoring Sanzo. "It is our burden to bear, because we choose not to let it end this way. You have nothing to fear—we will find our own way out of this wheel."_

_Sanzo's eye twitched, gleaming amethyst in the light. "Don't ignore me."_

"_Honestly, Sanzo, this is a discussion amongst fellow gods, so it's okay if you don't understand what's going on." Kon gave him a look, and in less time than it took for lightning to strike the earth, the cold business end of the monk's gun was pressed under the god's chin._

"_God or not, I'm betting that shooting you in the head will still hurt like a bitch," he snarled. "Now quit screwing with me and explain yourself."_

_Chaos winced, raising his hands in surrender. "Okay! Just put the gun away, all right? There's a little girl right there. What kind of impression are you trying to make on her?"_

_He looked to Rika for some kind of agreement, but her expression was unfazed. "I have died hundreds of times already, by having my organs cut out of me while I was still conscious enough to feel it," she murmured in a voice filled with the weariness of age. "My friends have bludgeoned each other to death with a baseball bat, have tortured each other and maimed each other in unspeakable ways. My elders have ripped their own throats out in fits of madness. A little gun is nothing, really."_

_It seemed as though a frigid wind blew through the room, and Sanzo then decided that maybe adding another death to this child's memory might not be the best course of action—especially if it meant killing the asshole who could get them out of this mess. "Tch. Do what you want," he growled, stashing his piece back into the robe and sitting back in irritation._

_Kon felt that perhaps a subject change was in order. "So, is there a place with a mirror like this around here where we can stay until the distortion lightens up enough for interdimensional travel?"_

_Rika suddenly reverted to her cutsey self, and smiled sweetly. "I already discussed things with Mii-chan, and she says you can stay at the Sonozaki manor until you leave! Her grandma is kind of scary sometimes, and I'm not sure how everyone is supposed to die in this version of the cycle, but you should be safe there...unless this is the version where Shion goes insane, of course..."_

"_Eh?!" demanded Chaos._

"_Don't worry!" she insisted, putting on her "ni-paah!" face._

_Sanzo gave her the hairy eyeball, but reserved comment. If nothing involved him directly, then he didn't care—__**couldn't**__ care, actually. He had far more important things to ponder, like the variety of methods by which he might torture and murder Loki for making his life a living hell._

_Kon saw this, and sighed heavily. "All right. Let's go before Sanzo becomes a part of your tragic little town."_

* * *

**(The Campsite—Flash Flood)**

It was impossible to fall into a deep sleep with so much stress on my shoulders. Kon never reopened the connection, so I could only assume the worst.

He'd probably been kidnapped by alien goat-beasts from Uranus...

Ridiculous explanations plagued me all through the night, and I knew that it wasn't entirely because of Chaos' absence. Most of it was the fault of my undermedicated brain. Without the pills, I quickly degenerated into a strange kind of feral animal whose only functioning sentient thought processes were devoted entirely to paranoid conspiracy theories.

At sunrise, however, I was suddenly and violently roused from my fitful slumber by someone's frantic screams.

Startled, I reached for my sword, but when I found none, I paused momentarily to see what was going on first. I had forgotten, naturally, that Hakkai was keeping Ryushi until I had plenty of anti-psychotics floating in my blood stream.

What I did realize then, however, was that I had tossed and turned myself to within inches of the fire's remaining embers, and the edge of my sleeping bag was being nibbled away by little tongues of flame—polyester did that.

"Augh! My sleeping bags on—BLARG!" I shouted, coughing when someone suddenly threw a bucket of water in my general direction. On the upside, the fire was now out. On the downside, IT WAS WINTER! I could already feel the ice forming in my hair.

"Lydia, are you okay?!" Gojyo demanded. I looked up to follow his voice and found him standing a few feet away with a pail in hand, obviously having just emptied its contents onto me, my clothes, and my only sleeping implements in this gods-forsaken hellhole.

Really, it didn't take much to make me snap, but one must recall that this was now compounded by the fact that I was off my meds and torn away from the one who kept me sane. Therefore, only one response on my part was appropriate in a situation such as the one to which I had awoken:

Destroy the bastard.

"May the flames of hell feast upon your pitiful soul!" I cried, leaping forward instinctively and throttling the kappa like a rag doll towards which I had peculiar misgivings.

"Wagh!"

_SWISH—KLUNK!_

...And darkness embraced me once more.

* * *

_**(Yumoa's Return—Enter Helios)**_

_Being the God of Comedy, it was ridiculously easy for Yumoa to see the brighter side of things. No matter the odds, he was hardwired to believe that life would always turn out well in the end. It was a part of his essence. His positive beliefs and values were intrinsically wrought into the very fabric of his being._

_Granted, he was startled when he reentered Togenkyo only to find Lydia strangling Gojyo to death as her sopping clothes began to shed sheets of ice and drive her core temperature down to dangerously hypothermic levels. However, because of what he was, he saw nothing truly desperate about the situation. In fact, he felt heartened that the girl was so lively, despite her lack of medication and Chaos. He spent so long feeling heartened, actually, that he didn't realize that he should step in until the kappa's face started turning disconcerting hues. Only then did he feel it necessary to announce his entrance and offer Lydia the reprieve she so sought._

_Unfortunately, in his running haste to intervene, he misstepped on a patch of invisible ice, tripped on a jutting stone, and accidentally knocked the girl over the head with a sack filled with pills, water bottles, and soda._

_Lydia yelped in pain, releasing the water sprite to tend to her cranial injury, then abruptly blacked out._

_Yumoa righted himself in time to catch her, and watch Gojyo fall back over a log and into a snowbank._

_The entire ordeal lasted less than three seconds._

_Knowing that the kappa would survive a little fall, Comedy focused his attention on the unconscious girl, noting her frozen state and sighing a little. "Lyds, how many times do I have to tell you to drink something sugary before anything else as soon as you wake up? It's stressful on your body if you keep lettin' your blood glucose drop."_

_Naturally, she didn't respond. Gojyo, however, did. He clawed his way back over the tree trunk, gasping for air and clutching at his throat with a pained look on his face. "Dammit. If you would'a come a second later, I'd be a goner," he coughed._

"_Naw. You'd pass out, she'd get bored all of a sudden, and you'd wake up a few hours later with little more than a headache. Where are Hakkai and the others?"_

_The water sprite gave him a baleful leer, but nodded towards the woods anyway. "The monkey found a stream, so now he's got everyone fishing for breakfast. I stayed back, since Hakkai doesn't want Lydia here alone."_

"_Oh, okay." Satisfied with the response, he immediately stopped caring about his soldiers' whereabouts and switched into doctor mode._

_While Gojyo looked on in morbid fascination, Yumoa sat on the other log they'd dragged next to the fire and propped Lydia up against his shoulder. The god then pulled a vial of clear liquid from his snow coat pocket, popped the cork out, and passed the opening under the girl's nose a few times._

_The effect was surprising to the kappa, but Comedy knew what to expect._

_Before Lydia could snap into kill-everything-in-sight-because-the-pills-are-gone mode, Yumoa restrained her wrists in one hand, flicked open one of the pill boxes, and emptied the contents into her shouting mouth. He then smothered her with his free hand and blew on her nose, and like a stubborn Jack Russel, she choked down her meds like a good feral animal._

"_I'm not even sure what I'm seeing here," Gojyo stated evenly. Some part of him wanted to feel sympathetic towards the girl, but then again, she __**had**__ tried to strangle him to death. Besides, for some bizarre, inexplicable reason, Yumoa's actions seemed entirely appropriate and sensible._

"_She's not really very cooperative when she's standing on the precipice of insanity," explained the god, to which the water sprite merely grunted in bemused response. "Could you get some juice or soda or something for her? She'll behave better if there's sugar in her system."_

_After some rustling through a plastic bag tucked under a chunk of hardened snow which kept the drinks cold, Gojyo took out a Pepsi and some hard liquor. He handed the soda to Comedy, then resumed his seat and pured himself a fifth. "If things keep going this way, I'm gonna end up like the monk, and that's the scariest thing in the world."_

"_Bees are scary." Yumoa's look was earnest._

_Gojyo frowned, then poured another fifth, with an 80-proof chaser. "Right. Bees. Fucking terrifying, those bees. They've got stingers and shit...I'm gonna go fishing now, if it's all the same to you."_

_Comedy waved. "Have fun!"_

_The kappa waved his anachronistic Jack Daniels as he purposely sauntered as far as he could possibly get from the god._

* * *

**(Sanity's Comeback—Evaporation)**

There are a lot of things in the world that people shouldn't have to experience as soon as they wake up: alarm clocks, banging pots and pans, screaming, ice water, ammonia salts, wildebeest stampedes, _et cetera..._

However, to be awakened twice within fifteen minutes by ice water and screaming, and then ammonia salts, was probably in the top five. Hell, _top three. _Combo attacks were a real bitch. Even worse, as soon as I was rudely awakened the second time, someone forced a handful of pills down my throat, as though I were a fussy chihuahua or something equally impotent!

I adored Yumoa like a strange little brother who would never mature, but there had to be a line somewhere.

Once he let my face go, I shot him a searing glare. "Where's Ryushi? I have to stab you now."

"Mull it over while you drink some Pepsi, and then decide whether that's the course of action you really want to take," he responded easily with a smile as he placed the cold can in my already frigid hands.

I gave him a look to convey how insane I thought he was, giving me cold drinks when I was already near-hypothermic. However, instead of abasing himself at my feet and repenting with twenty lashes, as I thought he should, he got up, removed his coat and set it beside me, and went over to fiddle with the stack of firewood.

"I'll get this going again so you can warm up and dry off. For now, though, wear my jacket. I've got the same temperature as Kon, so it should help you warm up and calm down a bit," he explained. "Is there anything you want to eat once I have the fire going?"

I frowned, pondered seriously for a bit as I removed the wet wool sweater and put on his warm coat, then responded in dead-seriousness, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." Oh, how I desired pulverized bovine molded into a meaty cookie of juicy burger-ness.

He laughed, "I'm thinkin' Arby's isn't a common fixture in Ancient China. Anything more feasible?"

"Meat of any kind. Cow, chicken, pig, snake, squirrel, human—you name it, I'll eat it without hesitation. If I'm forced to have one more bowl of cabbage broth and tofu, I'll cut off my own leg and roast it on a spit!"

He chuckled at my desperation. "PETA would throw a fit if they ever heard you discuss food. I'll see what I can do about meat. I don't think anyone would mind the protein."

"Can we eat the clone? Murder-suicide and cannibalism...does killing her count as suicide? Think I'll need an ethics committee to help me decide on the answer?"

Comedy shrugged and filled a pot with some clean snow which had fallen during the night. "Ask Kon when he comes back. He'll talk you away from the edge more efficiently than I can."

There was crunching and rustling headed our way, and Hakkai stepped into the clearing carrying a basket of enormous salmon. "Oh, you're back? How is everything?"

"It took some lock picking and an old permission letter I had Lydia sign in the event that she couldn't pick her meds up personally, but I found them all and she's already taken them. I just need to make something with milk and meat so that the medicine doesn't upset her stomach." Diligently, he rebuilt the fire and set the snow-filled pot on the grill rack above it. "Any ideas?"

Monocle pondered his internal archive of recipes, appeared to select a book, and smiled. "Well, we have the salmon, so why not make chowder? I think there's a little milk left."

Yumoa found this to be a brilliant idea, and I watched in freezing silence as they cleaned the fish and prepared the potatoes, onions, and milk broth. It smelled better than Arby's—Hakkai was a culinary genius. Actually, my only qualm was the itchy, nagging feeling that there should be a boxcar somewhere nearby for shelter. There would also be a mystery to solve, involving the chupacabra and the yeti.

I would probably have to sit quietly for another hour before the meds kicked in and reestablished my psychological equilibrium.

* * *

_**(Houtou castle—Dogged Determination)**_

"_So this is the place, eh? Anyone ever hear of the human touch?"_

_Loki propped his hands on his hips and frowned in concern at the laboratory where Ni Jianyi and Hwan did their sciencey stuff, and Lady Koushu rolled her eyes. She had to remind herself that getting the obvious idiot to do her bidding was worth the hassle._

"_There is not much room in a place such as this for personal things," she replied frankly. "The doctor and the professor are basically my employees. They do as they are ordered—I have no need for silly sentimental paraphernalia in here. It interferes with productivity."_

"_Sure, but seriously, all the machines are giving me a headache." He gave her The Puppy Eyes. "This minus wave whatchamacalit is pretty intense. I can see why all the youkai are losing it all over the place."_

"_Every act of greatness produces some kind of collateral. It cannot be helped." Eager to distract him from anything else which might waste her precious time, she motioned for the Trickster to follow her into Ni Jianyi's corner of the lab, next to which Wang was hooked up to his goggles, typing away in seeming oblivion to their presence. "This machine is what the doctor uses to track the Sanzo party and their...affiliates. You may use it as you wish to find whomever. In return, I only request that you later assist me in converting the power of that scroll over there into something easier to manipulate." She indicated the one sutra which the professor had left behind, sitting on a bookshelf as though it were nothing more than a grocery list._

"_We have spent so long trying to make the revival work that I am at my wits' end." She feigned frustration, and was pleased to see that Loki was indeed showing sympathy towards her plight._

"_Don't lose hope," he said with conviction. "I know what it's like to be apart from your loved ones. It seems like an eternity since the last time I had a chance to be with my own family. And with such a special day coming up, I've been trying my best to make it memorable, but nothing seems to be working properly."_

_Curiosity got the best of the usurper queen then, and before she could stop herself, she asked the one thing which had been nagging at her thoughts ever since this god had appeared and began reshuffling all the pieces which made up her world:_

"_Loki, what exactly are you trying to do here?"_

_He blinked. "Here? Helping you."_

"_No. What are you doing here, in Togenkyo? Why did you come to this world to begin with?"_

_He frowned in thought, then shrugged. "Well, at first it was just to figure out why I could sense my son in two different places at once—that clone is surprisingly accurate. After that, though, I decided that since my boy likes it so much here, I might try to arrange a little game. He likes games, you see. I hope he's happy with what I have in store."_

_Lady Koushu merely stared at him. "Ah." She then turned around and began heading back to her chamber. "As soon as you are finished your search, please get to work on that scroll. I expect good things from a god, you see."_

"_Okie dokie," Loki responded with a grin._

_As she walked, Gyokumen Koushu couldn't help but think that there was something terribly sinister about how this one was going about things. Certainly, she wasn't one to talk—pot to kettle and all that—but she was one youkai queen. Nothing more and nothing less, and no matter how many soldiers she had, this fact would not change._

_A god, however..._

_If her intuition were at all correct, then what she imagined to be a game for gods might very well render her entire revival plan moot._

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Repetitive Stupidity)**_

_For the first time since being trapped in this obviously screwed-up dimension, Chaos felt at peace. It didn't matter that He was being led around by a little girl who kept dying because destiny was out of sync. It didn't even matter that there was an angry Buddhist monk cursing his very existence every fifteen seconds. All that mattered was that Lydia was still there, waiting for him. It seemed that as long as he knew she was out there, eager for his return, no amount of abuse could kill his peaceful mood._

_That is to say, he __**thought**__ this was the case._

_This particular god had a bad habit of forgetting what exactly his designation implied:_

_A God of Chaos was the very definition of "Harbinger of Doom" no matter where he was._

_Naturally, Konran remembered this the very moment Sanzo was run over. He was disappointed with his lax attitude towards this whole ordeal, to say the least. Actually, he was even a little annoyed with the monk. First, he's killed by a chunk of bread, then he's brought back by some sort of super-soup, and now this? Honestly!_

"_Are you all right?!" cried Mion, Shion, and Rika simultaneously. They rushed over to assess the damage, but Kon was actually more concerned with the driver and passenger of the aforementioned vehicle._

_Well, it wasn't really even a vehicle...it was a Vespa—no, it was a common, everyday, run-of-the-mill scooter._

_It was a mere scooter, and the occupants of said scooter were insane._

"_Ohmygodwekilledhim!" panicked the oddly-dressed driver with the wooden sword and the helmet marked "Gin" (1) on the front. "A time machine! We just have to find a time machine, and everything will be fine!"_

"_That's not a time machine, you freak! That's a vending machine!" shouted the young man who had been riding along. This one had glasses and the unmistakable demeanor of a "straight man" from some manzai comedy._

_Chaos was...well, he was too confused to even care that Sanzo was bleeding from his ears. Where had he seen these two before? It was another of Lydia's obsessions, but which one?_

"_Gin-chan, you did it again, didn't you?!" a third voice—female this time—screamed suddenly from behind. "How many times do I hafta tell you not to run people over on your scooter, uh-huh?! Is that the only way you know how to make new friends?!"_

"_'Uh...huh'?" the god repeated. Slowly, he turned around to see the owner of that voice, and before him appeared an enormous white dog, upon which sat a pale redheaded girl in a china dress holding an umbrella like a weapon._

_Click._

"_GINTAMAAAAA?!?!" he spazzed immediately._

_The girl on the dog trotted to a stop a few feet away, giving him a quizzical leer. "Hey, Gin-chan, this one's still breathing. Should I get rid of the witnesses?"_

_A muffled voice sounded from behind, and Kon glanced back in uncertainty to see that Sanzo was coming to under the girls' coaxing, and that the scooter's driver really had shoved his head into the bottom flap of a vending machine._

_He was stuck now, actually._

_The passenger stared blankly at the trapped individual for a good while, then suddenly turned around and went to help the girls make sure that the monk wasn't brain dead or paralyzed. "I'm so sorry. See, he's an idiot. I told him not to wear the shaded goggles at night, but he never listens to anybody."_

"_HEY! CAN I KILL THIS ONE OR NOT?! HE'S A WITNESS, TOO, UH-HUH!!?!?!?"_

_Kon flinched and jerked around only to be sharply reminded that the umbrella also functioned as a gun, as it was pointed directly at his face. "NO, YOU CAN'T!" he automatically retorted._

_At last, the driver figured out that removing the helmet first would free his head from the machine, and tumbled back from the excess effort. "Owww! Ah, that's the last time I use the hands-free option."_

"_That's for cellphones, not scooters, you imbecile!" snapped the level-headed young man. "Now stop Kagura before she kills again!"_

"_Hey, don't start talkin' like I've killed before!" argued the girl. "This one's gonna be my first time, uh-huh!" She then looked Kon in the eye, and smiled sweetly. "I'm inexperienced, so be gentle."_

"_Sadaharu, SIT!"_

_Instantly, the massive dog-monster plopped down on its haunches and yipped playfully as the girl lost her footing and fell out of sight._

"_Sorry about her. She's not normal, you see. Not enough sunlight." The driver at last sat up and brushed the dirt and dust from his curly silver hair, then used the wooden sword to help himself to his feet. "Oy, Shinpachi. Is that guy okay? I don't wanna pay anyone's hospital bills. We never get enough clients as it is..."_

_Everything began moving quickly, then, because time had come to a halt in Konran's mind. It was obvious what was going on here: more and more dimensions were getting trapped in Loki's insane scheme—whatever __**that**__ was. The bread boy, the Chinese chef, the town itself, and now this trio—each one represented a separate world, and somehow, through some miraculously stable shift in the dimensional planes, all those worlds were slowly becoming one..._

_...including Hinamizawa, a dimension where existence itself resided on the shoulders of one little girl._

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

(1) "Silver"—The first character in Gintoki's name. Gintama literally translates to English as "Silver Soul."

_I DID IT!!!! WAHOOOOOO!_

_Er...so...ohisashiburi desu ne? How has everyone been this past year? I'm so sorry. I promised over and over again that this chapter was "coming out soon" but those were all lies. School has been insane, and I've been so obsessed with my original stories that The Sequel just stopped talking to me for a while there. On the bright side, Summer Vacation—natsu yasumi—begins in two weeks. I should have a chance to pander to your wishes then._

_By the way, if you haven't read/watched it yet, be sure to expose yourself to Gintama. Crunchyroll has subbed episodes—though I love Rumbel more. Shonen Jump publishes the manga—eleven volumes are currently available, and number 12 comes out in May! (Excited) Sorry...it's just that Gintama is the one thing in my world which I will love forever, no matter how long it goes on. All others can lose their shine, but this one has a Silver Soul which will never tarnish._

_Wow. I'm nerding out like whoa. If you gotta blame someone, blame the Yorozuya. Ye gods, ep 111 almost made me cry!_

_Oh, and WELCOME BACK!!!! Tell me if you liked it! Or hated it! Or even if you just wanna say hello! I'm down with all that mess, 'cause the Left-Handed Cyh-chologist is BACK!_

— _The Ever Erratic, Unscrupulous, Ubiquitous, Nihilistic, Neoclassical, Deranged, and Raconteur Cyh Scævola_


	30. Resurrection: I'm Not Dead Yet

**The Sequel: Chapter XXX (So it's been four and a half years, and this is crazy; but here's a new chapter, so review it, maybe?)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note) **_

_So I was on Fictionpress, going through my stories and watching the view counts like a hawk, when I got curious and decided to see how my fanfics were doing here on FFNet. _

_My last update was April 27, 2009. Today's date is September 25, 2013._

_Has it really been over four years?_

_Needless to say, I'm amazed. I had forgotten how much I love this story, and how much I love my readers here. Nobody here is trying to get their story published or acting all highfalutin about their own writing skills. In the years that I've been gone, I still occasionally get reviews—sometimes from old friends. They make me happy. This story makes me happy, and you guys make me happy._

_So…I think I'm gonna keep going._

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!"—George Bernard Shaw_

"_A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."—Mark Twain …_

* * *

**Resurrection: I'm Not Dead Yet**

_**(Hinamizawa—The Revelation)**_

_By the time Konran realized that Gin and his crew had ditched them on the scooter, it was too late to do anything about it. He had, in fact, stood in a stupor for what felt to be approximately four and a half years. In reality, only a few minutes had gone by while he mentally worked out the implications of a multi-dimensional crunch; but he could sense that, somewhere, a very long time had passed. Only after Sanzo assaulted him once more with the fan did he finally wake up._

_Once the screaming urge died down, Kon looked up from his prostrate position on the ground and met an amethyst glare to melt the sun._

"_Stand," Sanzo commanded so vehemently that the god's body obeyed without any input from his brain._

"_We have to get back as soon as possible!" he blurted before the monk could get another swing in._

"_No shit, genius! That's what we're trying to do, remember?!"_

_Konran shook his head quickly and made an absurd gesture that meant absolutely nothing to the monk. Fortunately, he used words to elaborate: "No, I mean I know what's going on! I know what Loki is trying to do, and if we don't stop it then EVERY dimension you hate, including MINE, is going to be smashed into a single plane of existence!"_

_Sanzo's arm froze above his head, the fan brandished like a war axe of unusual design, and he said slowly, "Wait…by 'every dimension,' are you including this one, too?"_

_The god nodded, relieved that the crazy bastard was finally getting the picture._

_The fan came down anyway, slamming Kon back to the ground with a yelp of pain. "Why the fuck do you have to ruin everything every time?!" the priest demanded in a rage. "Why couldn't you keep the goddamn stray and your ridiculous pantheon to yourself and leave my dimension out of it?!" Further blows ensued before Kon could get a word in edgewise._

_Ten minutes later, Konran was gurgling in a pool of his own blood, and Sanzo was stashing the fan back into whatever extra-dimensional crevice he used to hold the deadly device._

_Mion, Shion, and Rika just stared, uncertain as to whether it was safer to reproach the monk or just pretend that the incident had never occurred. Well, the twins were genuinely concerned, but Rika just frowned a little in what could have been annoyance. Fortunately, Sanzo saved them the trouble of figuring out an answer._

"_Get moving," he growled at the kids. "He'll be back. Like hell I can get rid of him that easily."_

_Slowly, they nodded, and abandoned the bleeding God of Chaos like a dropped ice cream cone._

* * *

**(The Campsite—Southern Belle)**

"Oh, it feels so good to get some food in my stomach," I said, enjoying the warm sensation curling throughout my body. Goku had repeatedly tried to secretly steal some of the larger chunks of meat from my bowl of chowder, but I knew his game. Now that the meds had kicked in, and now that I'd finally gotten in contact with Kon again, everything seemed like it would be better. Not even a hungry monkey sage could dampen my mood.

Hakkai already had the map out and was plotting our course for the day with Gojyo, while Kougaiji watched over their shoulders and commented on the obstacles we might find blocking our path. It seemed so…normal.

Granted, one glance over my shoulder would have given me a panorama of weirdness to make "Ripley's Believe It or Not" seem trivial by comparison, but I didn't have to look over there at the moment. Besides, Solitus was normal enough to balance out the weirdness of everyone else in that group.

"You like the food?" Yumoa asked with a grin. He sat down beside me and fiddled with Bob the Borg Bunny as he spoke. "Hakkai really does have all kinds of superpowers, huh?"

I laughed a little. "Once they're done with their journey, I'm gonna propose that Hakkai come back to our realm and take a crack at Iron Chef. They'll make ice cream out of anything on that show—I'm sure he's got some crazy ideas of his own."

"I want ice cream!" Goku gasped suddenly, turning to stare at me as though, by mentioning the dessert, I obviously must have known exactly how and where to obtain it.

"Not until you're done like dinner!" Comedy said without skipping a beat. "You can't have any pudding until you eat your meat!"

"But…but I want ice cream," the Sage replied carefully. The eagerness in his eyes slowly transformed into confusion at Comedy's words, and I met his amber gaze with sympathy.

"It's okay," I said with utmost sincerity. "I will help you if you don't want to eat the meat."

His confusion grew, and he looked down at his unfinished chowder…then back at me. "What?"

"If you want the pudding, I'll eat your chowder."

He stared for a moment longer…then handed me his bowl and gave Comedy an expectant look.

"Good boy, Goku!" the god said with gusto. He turned to rummage around in the rucksack behind his seat, muttering a few grumpy statements at the contents before shouting "Eureka!" in triumph and withdrawing his arm. "For you, young Sage!" Comedy handed the item to Goku, wearing a proud grin.

I munched on the rest of the food while Goku gave the Snack Pack in his hand a deadpan stare…

…and then he chucked it at Comedy's grin, hard enough to make the little pudding cup explode like a baby's diaper. Flecks of chocolate pudding spattered into my bowl and onto my hair, but Yumoa got the brunt of the attack.

"I want ice cream, _not pudding!_" Goku shouted in anger, leaping right after the pudding cup and attempting to wrestle his bowl back from me.

Fortunately, I had foreseen this event and had already downed the rest of the chowder, quickly shoving the bowls back into his hands before springing over the log bench and making a mad dash into the woods. I could hear him catching up close behind me, so I wove through the trees a bit then doubled back towards the campsite. The sudden turn caught him off guard, sending him careening into the shallow stream of freezing water where our breakfast had been swimming only hours earlier.

A litany of gasping and cursing followed me out of the woods…and into Hakkai's clutches.

Monocle wasn't doing anything, really. He was just standing there and giving me a reproving look, but that look was enough to freeze the blood in my veins and make me rue the day I was born. Before I could stop myself, I was on my hands and knees, begging for forgiveness. I didn't have to look up. I could feel that cold gaze on the back of my neck, like the hovering blade of a guillotine.

"Lydia, that wasn't very nice," Hakkai said quietly.

I winced in horror. "I'm so sorry!" I cried, crushing my face even further into the biting snow. "I'll throw up the food and give it back! I'll catch more fish and cook more food! Just please, _please_ don't kill me!"

"I'm sorry, Hakkai. It was my fault for using my womanly wiles on the poor kid."

I frowned. That wasn't my voice. Slowly, I lifted my head, and was surprised to find Comedy standing there, looking repentant. Hakkai was using that stare on him, too, but it didn't seem to have any effect on the god.

Wait…

"'Womanly wiles?'" Hakkai and I repeated in tandem, immediately forgetting about the problem at hand and focusing instead on the bizarre statement that the god had made.

"Well, ah _do_ declare that ah may be one of the _loveliest _belles to ever have graced this earth," Comedy responded, affecting the high, whimsical tone of a Southern Belle with a severe lisp. He did a pirouette for effect, and suddenly he was in a poofy blue ball gown with lace and frills and a corset…and a parasol. Even his white hair was different—long and in ringlets, though his face and the fact that he had no boobs remained the same.

Comedy twirled the parasol and giggled behind a fan that appeared in his other hand. "Oh, _my,_ dear Hakkai. Don't ya know it's _rude_ to stare at a beautiful lady like—?"

Hakkai's fist moved faster than light, colliding with Yumoa's face before the god could finish his disturbing act. In an instant, the freakish Southern Belle Comedy creature was tangled in some branches on the other side of the road, and Hakkai was looking at his hands in horror.

"I…I just couldn't help myself," he whispered to no one, shocked at his own actions. "I was just so _angry_…"

"Ah _do_ declare that ah am stuck in this tree!" Comedy cried shrilly as he struggled to untangle the underframe of the dress from the branches. He bounced about ten feet off the ground, with his hair all mussed and the parasol hanging from a lower branch.

Goku appeared then, standing beside me and watching the spectacle with a mix of horror and amusement. After a second, I patted his sopping head and offered an embarrassed laugh.

"Sorry about that," I said with a chuckle. "I'll get him to bring us ice cream the next time we stop for food."

Goku squinted at Comedy once more—then Hakkai—then at me. "Uh, I guess that's okay, then," he said at last, turning without another word and walking away from the scene. He paused only to grab a towel from one of the bags then joined Kougaiji at the clones' camp, where the Prince had retreated from the chaos.

I wanted to try and comfort Hakkai and tell him that it wasn't his fault—that Comedy sometimes had a bizarre effect on people. But the way he was muttering unintelligibly and staring at his hands as though they were covered in blood made me change my mind. Instead, I went over to Gojyo, who gave me the wariest look I'd ever received from another person.

"What just happened?" he asked. His tone implied that he wanted to sound shocked or surprised, but there was too much confusion and fear blocking the path.

"Comedy did some stuff," I replied simply with a grin. "You should probably make sure that Hakkai is okay. I'd check on him myself, but I value my life, thank you." At that, I went to go help Comedy out of the tree.

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—Silent Observer)**_

"_So, basically, what you're trying to say is that the dimensional instability isn't happening because Togenkyo is having issues, but because _every _fucking dimension out there is having these same issues?" Sanzo was glaring at Chaos, but that was about it. The monk was just so sick of his life at this point that he probably wouldn't have felt all that terrible if the universe collapsed in on itself and erased all existence as he knew it. If anything, I would probably have been an improvement._

"_That's what I'm saying," Kon said. He met the monk's glare and sighed. Sanzo was so far beyond caring. Already, he was filling Mion and Shion's nice guest room with smoke._

_Figuring that a little bit of courtesy wouldn't hurt, Kon stood and opened one of the sliding doors to the porch that overlooked a pond behind the manor. He breathed in the sweet air and let the haze filter out of the room. He pretended that Hanyuu wasn't sitting on the edge of the porch with her head listlessly leaning against the railing. As far as Sanzo was concerned, the little goddess didn't even exist._

"_So what do you think we should do about it?" Sanzo asked. There was no worry in his tone, only apathy and smoldering irritation. Fortunately, he couldn't see the little goddess as she cast him an irritated frown of her own._

"_Well, Hinamizawa is trapped in a cycle that only Rika can fix, so we can't do anything on this end to help." Kon ignored the invisible girl's sudden expectant stare and kept on as though she weren't there. "The real concern is the fact that this realm can, under no circumstances, be allowed to completely blend with any other realms. Otherwise, we might end up with one massive universe whose survival hinges on the actions of one tired little girl."_

"_As far as she's concerned, the survival of the entire universe _does_ hinge on her actions," Hanyuu muttered. "She thinks everything is her burden to bear. I don't know how much longer she can go on…"_

"_She looks like a little girl, but that brat seems like she can handle her own dimension's problems just fine without our help," Sanzo said, taking another drag on his cigarette before standing and walking out onto the porch to toss the butt into the pond._

_Hanyuu gasped indignantly and her eyes took on an angry red glow as she stared the priest down._

_Sanzo didn't notice, of course, and went on to light another cigarette._

_Kon pretended that none of this was happening. "If anything, I think Rika should be asking her friends for help. After all, they're the ones she's trying to save."_

_Sanzo cocked an eyebrow at the god. "Do you think they would even believe her?"_

"_Maybe. At the very least, she'll be able to get their take on the situation and maybe even formulate a plan. They're kids, but they seem clever enough—especially if they're as capable of murder as she insists."_

"_Wait, that's a brilliant idea!" Hanyuu cried suddenly, all rage gone from her demeanor._

**POOF!**_ The goddess vanished before Kon could even glance at her._

"_Anyway, we should set up the mirror and see if the distortion is any clearer," he sighed rolling his eyes at the nothingness where the goddess had been moping._

_Sanzo's idiot sense was tingling again, but there were no apparent sources for the feeling at the moment. He monitored it, though. He knew that Chaos was an idiot destined to ruin Togenkyo, seemingly for the mere purpose of spiting the renegade priest._

"_Yeah," he muttered at length, watching the shadows with suspicion but seeing nothing there. "While you're at it, see if you can get Hakkai on the line and check on their progress. If they're still stuck in that camp, I'll end the universe myself."_

"_Of course, Sanzo," sighed the god._

* * *

_**(Meanwhile…Hwan Hates Ramen)**_

"_That's it! I can't take it anymore!" In a fit of anger, Hwan threw the bowl of instant ramen at the ground, splashing scalding broth and noodles all over a surprised Seimei. "I need some real food or I'm going to lose my mind!"_

_The copycat god winced at the flash of pain, but bore it with dignity. He knew that the poor woman was just trying to vent out her frustration. She was tired and aching and cold, and Seimei still couldn't find a single chink in her well-crafted armor that might let him in and try to help her. As grumpy as she could be, he would have been lying if he said that he didn't have some feelings for the frazzled Doctor._

"_I'm sorry I can't offer you something more substantial," he sighed in the end, frowning morosely in the general direction of Sanzo's band of misfits. Deep down, he envied that group. Despite the constant barrage of adversity and endless travel, they still managed to get along for the most part. He wanted that with Hwan, but she would have none of it._

_As though she'd heard the thoughts in his head, Hwan rounded on him in her rage. "You're supposed to be a god! You're supposed to have all kinds of powers over the mortal realm! Why is it that you can't even catch a fish?!"_

_He met her frazzled glare, feeling sad more than anything else. "Even if you gave me this life, I wasn't raised as a god. Even though I don't feel the cold as you do, that doesn't mean I know how to produce flames with my bare hands or turn stones into loaves of bread. For all intents and purposes, I am still a child when it comes to these powers; and without an experienced individual to teach me how to use them, I will remain a child."_

_She stared at him for a long time, trying to use her anger and frustration to maintain her dignity. However, the energy eventually left her, and she found herself sitting back down and dropping her face into her hands. "I'm…I'm sorry, Seimei. I'm just so tired…"_

_Sighing, the pseudo-god moved over to sit beside her, and wrapped a warm arm around her shoulders. "It's okay. Really. I just wish I could help you more."_

_Hwan finally raised her face and pulled her glasses off to wipe her rosy cheeks._

_Seimei didn't comment on the tears, but he did reach over and lift her chin gently, staring down into her stormy eyes. "You know, you're always wearing those glasses, so I haven't noticed before, but you have beautiful eyes," he whispered, leaning down, pausing, and then finally pressing his forehead to hers. "I'll try to be better, okay? Just…I'll try."_

"_Stop that," she said tightly, though there wasn't much feeling in it. Awkwardly, she drew away and replaced her lenses, avoiding his concerned gaze. _

_Seimei didn't bother to fight. Hwan had as many issues with men as Lydia did—well, Lydia just had issues, but for both women the end result was pretty much the same. He just hoped that he could find some way around her frigid exterior and get to know the person she really was. After all, if Konran could tame his own wildcat, why couldn't Seimei attempt the same thing?_

"_Anyway, they're getting ready to go," the clone said. He nodded towards the dragon, who had finally decided that waking up was a good idea. "Shall we get moving? I overheard them saying that there's a village somewhere nearby. Even if they don't make it by nightfall, maybe we can get a comfortable room at an inn and skip surveillance for one night. I'll even find some way to treat you to a nice meal."_

_The doctor watched him with a hint of suspicion in her narrow gaze, but eventually nodded and let out a long sigh. "Fine, I could use the break."_

_Seimei smiled despite himself. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind something sweet. I miss dessert."_

_To his surprise, the tiniest of smirks quirked up the corners of her lips, too. "Agreed."_

* * *

**(San Long Village)**

Thanks to the disturbing events in the morning, Hakkai drove us like slaves throughout the entire day so that we could arrive in the next town over before nightfall. I couldn't really figure out his motives—he was a tough nut to crack—but I suspected that being trapped for an extended period of time in the wilderness with our group was taking its toll on the poor man. I also suspected that Sanzo's absence—and thus, the absence of the monk's banishing gun—was to blame, as well. Although the priest's methods were unorthodox, I couldn't actually argue with the results.

By the time I tumbled onto the sweet, sweet earth in front of the next inn, I was sure that I had lost all feeling in my legs. It seemed as though every bump and every pothole had left its mark on my spinal column. Not even the Land Rover's impressive off-road suspension could protect my fragile nerve bundles from the tortures of a high-speed rally race through boulder fields and frozen swamplands.

Honestly, the only thing that kept me from remaining on the cold, inviting earth was the whisper of a voice that only I could hear.

"Konran?" I muttered in surprise, before choking on some dust that the others had kicked up in their haste to find accommodations.

_Hello again, Princess. How are you?_

I finally stopped coughing long enough to reply, "Well, my vertebrae are misaligned and I think I've pinched my sciatic nerve, but otherwise I'm fine. Hakkai was kind of…impatient with the traveling."

_Well, I'm sorry it was rough, but at least Sanzo can be happy to know that you've made progress in his absence. _It sounded suspiciously as though he were speaking for the benefit of someone standing in the room with him. His voice was a bit louder than it needed to be, and somewhat shrill, as though there were a gun pointed to his head.

Whatever.

"So have you figured out how to get back?" I asked instead, forcing myself up and sitting back on my heels. "Yumoa's being really weird without you here—like, he's serious one second, then he's a Southern Belle the next."

_Wait, what?_

I decided that it was probably best if I didn't elaborate any further on that topic. "Anyway, I miss you, and the others miss Sanzo for some reason. I'm not entirely sure why they would miss him, but they do." I shrugged to nobody, earning myself the worried stares of many pedestrians who quickly decided to cross to the other side of the street.

_Don't worry. The distortion is clearing up now that the time loop is about to reset. I'm not sure when that will be, but I'm monitoring the portal's stability and plan on getting us through as soon as it's safe to cross over. Have you seen any signs of Loki? Sanzo wants to know._

I shook my head, earning even more nervous glances from the passers-by. "No, and there haven't been any more weird occurrences other than the problems in my own head and that thing with Comedy's dress."

_Dress?!_

I didn't have time to pretend that I hadn't heard him, because at that moment the row of stores across the street began to shimmer wildly. They undulated as though I were viewing them through the ripples of a pond, and the light intensified until it flashed and nearly burned my retinas into ash. Like a thousand suns, I felt the light sear my face and skin like a T-bone steak just as I raised an arm to defend my ocular region.

And then, just as suddenly, the lights went out.

_Lydia? Lydia, what's going on?_

I tuned out Chaos' frantic shouting for a moment as I opened my lids and gawked at the scene before me. I really wasn't sure what to think, especially because it was impossible for more reasons than there were numbers in the universe.

Somehow—I would never have been able to explain it so I didn't bother trying to understand—the street had split in half perfectly down the middle of the road. There wasn't a crack or anything, no gaps to speak of, but there was a division nonetheless. My side was the Chinese city that we had driven into only minutes prior…

The other side was Domino City.

Like, Yu-Gi-Oh's Domino City.

Like, Yugi Mutou was staring at me from across the way, frozen in the entrance of his grandfather's game shop and holding a deck of cards in his hand.

He stared at me, his jaw moving awkwardly as though struggling with severe, crippling aphasia.

I stared right back, my expression as deadpan as I could physically manage.

_Lydia?! SPEAK TO ME!_

At last, I returned to the attention-starved god and said vaguely, "Kon, I take that back. Things are about as screwed up here as they could possibly ever be. Please hurry back. I don't think any amount of medication can fix whatever the hell is going to happen to my brain if this keeps up." With that, I stood, brushed off my knees, and headed into the inn.

Honestly, it probably didn't matter whether or not I told everyone. Maybe if I just ignored it, the problem would go away. Just this once, perhaps, I would keep it to myself.

…Yes. That was an excellent idea.

* * *

_**(Hinamizawa—The Journey Home)**_

_Despite Kon's incessant calls, Lydia had stopped responding through the portal. The god could tell, however, that this was not due to any sort of distortion or interference within the connection itself. No, Lydia's tone had given him everything he needed to know roughly what was going on, and now that the portal was stabilizing properly he was more than ready to get back to her._

_Sanzo watched the exchange in passing interest, nursing yet another cigarette and contemplating homicide for the twenty-seventh time in about an hour. The only thing keeping him from murdering the god was the news that his band of idiots hadn't completely lost the ability to function without him. Most of him was glad for this, but a teeny, tiny part deep down in the stagnant recesses of his shriveled heart was just a little bit annoyed that he wasn't as essential to the group as he'd always assumed._

_Irritated for reasons even he couldn't understand, he chucked the remnants of his cigarette into the pond…and smirked just a bit when a fish came up to eat it._

"_So can we go through yet or are you just wasting time again?" the monk growled, brushing off his irritated thoughts._

_The fish splashed wildly, as though choking on the soggy butt._

_Kon frowned at the poor animal, then returned to staring at the glowing portal within the large mirror that Shion had set up for him at Rika's behest. "Look, if you want to jump through without making sure that the path is clear, and potentially wind up in some other unknown dimension, be my guest. Just remember that the next dimension might be a space opera, and that you might not be lucky enough to end up on an actual ship with a livable environment."_

"_Answer the fucking question, dammit!"_

_At last, Kon met the monk's enraged glare, and said with a sigh, "Yes, the portal is stable. We're as close to the time loop's scheduled reset as I think we can get without being trapped within it."_

_This was all Sanzo needed. He got up from the cushion on the porch and reentered the room, pulling his robe back over his shoulders and stashing his gun in some undisclosed pocket within the garment. "Let's go. We've wasted enough time here. This whole fucking place is like a disease—if I don't get out of here _now_ I'm going to wind up shooting one of those brats."_

"_Actually, that's entirely possible according to how Hanyuu described it to me," Kon said._

_Sanzo shot him another seething glare. "All the more reason to get the hell out of here."_

"_Of course." Sighing again, Kon stood and touched the edge of the blue, swirling portal within the mirror._

_At first, there was no response, but after a few seconds of patience on his part—and impatient growling on Sanzo's part—the portal's center began to expand beyond the edges of its frame. Like a spiraling galaxy of light and stars, it reached out to the edges of the darkness and opened a channel through its middle. Just past the surface of the glass, the mismatched duo could see Togenkyo's misty forests and snowy peaks._

_Konran focused his thoughts on Lydia, and the image zoomed in like a time-lapse video of a plane's flight, zipping past the trees and mountains until stopping at an unassuming inn in an unassuming village. Outside, there was a Land Rover conspicuously parked in one of the side alleys. Pedestrians had gathered around it, some commenting on the strange vehicle while others seemingly stared past the portal's viewpoint at something across from the inn._

"_Odd…"_

"_What?" Sanzo demanded, already sick of the amount of time that this was taking._

"_Well…they're looking at something. They seem scared." The god frowned and swiped a finger across the portal's surface, rotating the viewpoint one hundred and eighty degrees to see what the crowds were looking at._

_They both stared, their expressions perfectly matched with the expressions on the pedestrians' faces._

"_Yep, time to go," Chaos said with finality. He rotated the view again and tapped on the glass, removing the barrier and motioning to Sanzo. "You go first. I'll close the portal behind us so that no one else can get through. Your realm is already incredibly unstable—an invasion from Hinamizawa's realm is the last thing your people need right now."_

_The monk gave him a dirty look. "Those are _not_ my people," he snapped, shoving past the god and stepping through without another word._

_Kon rolled his eyes despite his irritation and sighed a third time. "Well, at least _he_ hasn't changed a bit."_

_At that, he, too, stepped into the portal and vanished from Hinamizawa right when Hell once again descended on the tiny village. Fortunately, Chaos had the presence of mind to make one last motion towards the portal's opening, and just as the tendrils of that madness reached towards the escape route, the portal shut tight and the room went dark._

* * *

_**(A Disappointed Loki)**_

_Loki fiddled with the knobs and buttons on the glorified oscilloscope for perhaps an hour before he realized that he had neglected to turn the power on. Once that was taken care of, however, he managed to locate his son's clone quite easily. Despite Wang's incessant chuckling and the occasional rude remark, he was happy. Of all the people who might understand his plan and help him bring it to fruition, maybe this one would be the most useful!_

"_Okay!" he said with a laugh, standing and clapping his hands together in eagerness to begin. "I've found them. See you later, old man!"_

"_Hold on, there," the youkai interrupted before the Trickster could get going. "If I recall Lady Koushu's orders, shouldn't you be working on turning that scroll over there into something useful?" He hadn't looked up from his screens or given any other outward indication that he was even paying attention to Loki's movements._

_The semi-god paused to squint at the old youkai. "Well, yeah, but I have stuff to take care of. Time's a-wastin' and all that."_

_Wang wasn't dissuaded in the least. "Now, I'm not the one in charge around here, but it seems to me that when you make a promise to a lady, you ought to keep it. Isn't that right?" He chuckled a little. _

_Loki frowned even harder. He wasn't sure if the whack-job was just overly intense or downright creepy, but he _was _sure that he suddenly felt guilty for trying to weasel out of helping the nice Queen lady._

_After a long, long hesitation, the Trickster grabbed the scroll off the shelf and sat back down with a sigh._

"_Oh, fine, but once I'm done with this I've got stuff to do," he said, giving Wang a begrudging frown._

"_Once you're done," Wang replied with another eerie chuckle._

* * *

**(San Domino Village-City)**

There was a loud explosion, and the inn's foundations shook hard enough to knock over the plasma screen TV that Yumoa had set up for DDR and Disney movies. Like cockroaches, the occupants of the room scattered under various structures: the bed, the table, the doorways, and the cupboards.

Once more, Gojyo cursed his long legs as he tried to fit into one of the aforementioned cupboards, and I couldn't help but giggle from my vantage point beneath the queen-size bed. Despite being on the opposite end of the room, he heard me and gave me a baleful leer, then finally slammed the door shut.

Goku and Comedy had yelped and leapt under the bed with me, while Solitus stood within the doorway to the bathroom and glanced around in terror. Hakkai remained at the breakfast table and sipped his tea, even as Harry and Ichigo clung to his legs under the table like frightened toddlers clinging to their mommy.

Oddly enough, it seemed to suit Hakkai's personality…but I decided not to point that out to him.

After several long moments of shaking and rumbling from the streets below, the tremors ceased. A few bits of plaster sloughed off the walls to reveal old-fashioned strapping beneath, but, other than the cosmetic damage, it seemed as though the building had survived.

Cautiously, we peeked out from our safe zones and glanced around for signs that someone was doing something to fix whatever the hell had gone wrong. In the distance, ambulance sirens and fire truck horns blared loudly enough to wake the dead in the next dimension over.

I paused and rewound my brain a bit.

Wait.

"Guys, do you have fire trucks here?" I asked suddenly.

Goku gave me a baffled stare. "Why would you set a truck on fire?"

"I see…"

"It's probably coming from the guys across the street," Yumoa supplied with a grin. "They have fire trucks in the Yu-Gi-Oh world, I'm sure."

"Hey, I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that!" Goku said.

"I'm just trying to help. Lydia asked a perfectly normal question, and I provided the most logical answer. Isn't that right, Bob?"

"Okay, enough!" I said in exasperation as I crawled out from under the bed. "What the hell was all that about?"

"Um…I think I know what happened." Solitus had left his safe zone and crossed to the only window in the room, which faced the street. He was staring down at the scene below, the expression on his face caught somewhere between utter confusion and deadpan irritation.

"What is it?" Curious, I stood and brushed the plaster out of my hair, then went over to stand beside the Klone, following his gaze to what appeared to be a heated argument between two people. I squinted a bit, leaning as far into the glass as I could.

I gasped.

"_OH MY GODS!"_ I screamed, and before I could even think to offer an explanation to the others, I grabbed Goku by the scruff of his shirt and dragged him down two flights of stairs, only stopping once we were in the rubble-strewn street.

There was broken glass everywhere, and the game shop across the way had caught fire, but I couldn't be bothered with any of that. In all the carnage, there was a beacon of hope, a spotlight from the heavens, a break in the storm…

"ASS-HAT~!" I bolted through the gathering crowd, tackling my precious, precious god just as he was about to yell a few more choice words at the priest. He yelped and struggled, but I was like an octopus clinging to a feisty lobster. That lobster didn't have a chance.

"Lydia!" he cried—well…gurgled, really, since I had him in a headlock.

Off to the side, Goku was having a touching reunion of his own. "Sanzo! You're back! We were so worried!"

"Get the fuck off me!" the priest snapped. I couldn't see, but I could hear that Goku had tackled Sanzo in a similar fashion.

I smiled and nuzzled Kon's soft hair, finally feeling content again even as he lost consciousness in my arms.

At last, everything was okay.

* * *

_**(The Heavens—Pay Per View)**_

_Eris and Aphrodite couldn't help a little sigh of happiness at the scene below. Aphrodite sighed because she was always happy to see Love blossoming. Eris, because she loved seeing swaths of wanton chaos reigning over an unsuspecting village._

_Kannon watched the two foreign goddesses in amusement. As much of a handful as they were, she had to admit that life was far more interesting when half of the show was taking place in her own realm. That wasn't to say that the spectacle in the Lower World wasn't just as—if not more—entertaining, but being present for the action and watching it take place beyond your realm of existence were two vastly different ways to experience entertainment._

_Jiroshin woke up from the Shogi table with a snort when the women cheered, and quickly stood and pretended that he hadn't been sleeping._

_However, when he approached his mistress, the goddess was giving him a knowing smirk._

"_Sleepy?" she asked almost innocently._

"_Just resting my eyes for a bit," he said, avoiding her stare. "I feel like I've been dormant for several years, actually."_

_Kannon chuckled to herself, more aware of the situation than any of the others could possibly have been. "Well, it's time to brush off the cobwebs, Jiroshin. I think it's about time we finished up this long, twisted tale."_

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Yeah…I've been gone a long time._

_It's good to be back. *sigh* I wonder how many of my old pals are still lurking around. I hope you guys at least say hello—I've missed this place terribly. I don't even know if this chapter is long or short compared to my "usual" length. All those documents were purged from the system years ago.  
_

_*brushes the dust off* It's good to be back, folks. Let me know if this one totally fails to live up to the previous chapters. It'll take a bit of conditioning to get back into the wacky crack groove that this story requires. *laugh*_

_Oh, and if anyone's at all interested, I posted my book (an original work) on Fictionpress for all to read and enjoy. It's called "Avenari"—my pen name is still Cyh Scaevola there, too. In case you're curious, that's the reason why I've been gone for almost five years.  
_

—_Cyh Scævola_


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